0:00

Ready in ch'mesh, arva,

0:02

shalosh, sh'tayim?

0:04

["Where My Mom's At"] This

0:25

is what the fuck I'm talking about.

0:27

Kim Kongdon and my girl Sarah Weinshek!

0:31

Yay! We're

0:33

here, bitch! I'm so pumped you guys

0:35

are here. Oh, let me, Comedy

0:37

Club on State, Madison, Wisconsin. I don't

0:40

know if there's tickets left. Buy them. And

0:42

I'm gonna announce some more shit next year

0:45

coming up, too. I'll be going back to Canada. I'm

0:47

so pumped about that. And Judork

0:49

Titties in March! I will be doing Judork

0:51

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0:54

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Anyway, I'm so happy you guys are here. Listen, all the

2:11

moms listening, if you've got an infant,

2:13

if you've got the kids and you want to remember

2:15

what it's like to be fun,

2:18

these two are fucking fun.

2:19

Yeah! We should

2:21

be mothers! We should

2:24

be mothers! We're in our 30s! We should be

2:26

mothers! We should be mothers! We should be mothers!

2:28

We should be mothers! You guys came

2:30

on your mom's house, you were fresh off of Vegas,

2:33

you were still hallucinating

2:34

from LSD, and

2:36

now you're here with me. So

2:39

what's up with you two bitches lately? Let's talk about

2:41

it. What's not? Are we dating?

2:43

Are we singles? Oh, we're

2:46

singles still. Oh, I was going to say we're

2:48

always dating kind of. We're always kind

2:50

of dating and kind of single. Sure. It's

2:52

always like, I mean every week we're like, I'm at

2:55

the one. You know, we're going through

2:57

that. And then the normal? And then next week it'll

2:59

be like, so he's

3:01

a piece of shit. No, it kind of goes like slowly.

3:04

It's like he's the one, I met the one. And then it's

3:06

like, he's flying me out, but I have

3:08

to pay half. Is that weird? And

3:11

then next week we're like, that's it. That

3:13

is so awful. Yeah, there's like three

3:16

strikes. Yeah. We give

3:18

them three strikes. I'm like, okay, it's like

3:20

I hate to do it, but you fucked up, sir. You

3:22

were going to pick me up 30 minutes late for a strike.

3:25

Unforgivable. Especially in the beginning

3:27

of a relationship when he should be so pumped.

3:31

He should be so fucking bricked up that he's

3:33

even dating you. He should be in front of your

3:35

house 20 minutes early, but

3:37

he doesn't want you to see that he's

3:38

parked out front. Maybe he's hiding around the corner and then he

3:40

comes to get you and he walks up to your none of those. Can

3:42

I tell you, I have lots of guys that do that

3:44

for me and

3:45

the only ones that do that are the players. No.

3:48

Yeah. The ones that are really fucking good. They're

3:51

sneaky now.

3:52

I have the internet.

3:53

It's fucking crazy. They know.

3:56

They want, because we're putting too much online. Girls are like, this is

3:58

what I want. And they're picking up on it. And it's

4:00

not genuinely who they are. So hold on. So.

4:03

But do they listen to your podcast and then

4:05

piece together your likes and dislikes?

4:07

Which is so insidious. I don't know, maybe

4:10

sometimes. For sure they do. Sometimes

4:12

that's a situation, but I mean, I've had guys

4:15

come 10 minutes early, car

4:17

still wet from a car wash. That's

4:19

exactly what you said you wanted. Yes, yeah,

4:21

yeah, yeah. Door open as

4:23

I come out, the whole thing. And I'm like, and

4:25

they're the worst ones. Cause they're the

4:28

ones you're like, this is it. And you're fully convinced,

4:30

you go all in. Well, that's why you gotta wait now. You

4:32

gotta wait to fuck them cause you'll start doing cracks.

4:35

Yeah. Wait to fuck, well how long, okay. So

4:37

what's the allowed time to

4:40

wait before you bang on them? If you order it. I

4:42

think four. I think longer. Okay.

4:45

I don't always wait longer cause I've given up on

4:47

love. Sure. I'm like, fuck it, I'm just gonna bang

4:49

this guy out. Sure. Cause he'll just never have sex.

4:51

Sure. So I think,

4:54

I don't know, but I'm, and I had, I'm like, I

4:56

feel like at this point you have to tell a guy you

4:58

only want to be friends with them and not fuck them for like four

5:00

months. That's a great idea. And hang out with them all the

5:02

time and let them bang other girls and be the coolest

5:04

girl around them. And then he falls in love with you. Dude, can I tell

5:06

you something? What? I think you're right.

5:08

Because wait, let me tell you. I'm all confused.

5:11

Okay, I'll tell you. Okay, here's what I did. Here's

5:13

what I did with Sigora. Now keep in mind,

5:15

this is before we had a lot of options. This

5:17

was like my space. This

5:21

is like, Before we had a lot of

5:23

options. This is like, I mean, honestly, if, if

5:25

I were dating, if I were in

5:27

my 20s now and you go out with a guy and you

5:29

have a great night and then he can just go and swipe on

5:31

some hooker the next day and get his dick sucked. Like, yeah, you've

5:33

got no chance. Like, I

5:35

used to, you know, usually it's a, there's finite

5:38

resources, a pussy. So, so, so

5:40

what I do with Tom

5:42

is what you're talking about.

5:44

I actually, he was going to be my first

5:46

one night stand because I'd never done it. I was 28

5:48

when I got with him. Can you

5:50

believe that? And I, so I was like, all

5:52

right, I know you, Tom Sigora. I've known you for years as

5:54

a friend. I've never banged a comic. You're

5:56

going to be my first one night stand. Let's

5:59

just fuck. Yep, and

6:01

then we did it and I was like, oh

6:03

no, I like him I can't I'm not that girl

6:05

like I'm not as cool as I thought I was And

6:08

then I just told him the opposite. I was like, I don't want

6:10

to get married I don't want to have kids. I don't want to do

6:12

any of this shit. I don't give a fuck about you and he

6:14

wanted you bad Yeah, that's

6:17

I was so mentally ill. I read a book one time

6:21

I read a book one time and men hate when

6:23

I bring this up and they're like, that's not what we want Okay,

6:25

what is that? It's called why men love bitches. That's

6:28

my Bible and I recommend every bitch

6:30

read it And I was reading it. I

6:32

read it too. I studied it.

6:35

It's true and Bring this book up

6:37

why men love bitches This is the Bible

6:39

that every woman should

6:40

be reading if you're dating and even if you're in a

6:42

relationship

6:42

and you notice that He's fucking slacking

6:45

you read this book read this book So what I want

6:47

to tell you people are gonna be like, oh if

6:49

Kim's giving a dating advice And why she's been

6:51

single so long I've been single for as long because I've

6:54

had tons of men that I've dated and

6:56

wanted to date me and wanted to be with Me and I don't I'm

6:58

not just gonna marry some dude. I'm not fully into

7:01

you shouldn't I would do that I'm not a settler.

7:03

It's a lifetime commit and by the way

7:05

I used to hate how my mother would say this to me because

7:08

I don't think it's fully true, but there is some truth She

7:10

would say marriage is a business

7:13

arrangement The

7:15

accent for me Again

7:19

Is not about love this is love

7:21

is for fuck nothing. It's a business

7:24

arrangement. So here's the deal Yeah,

7:27

when I married Tom, it was for love. I really

7:29

wasn't thinking this smart But

7:32

she's right because there's the business

7:34

of the family. There's the business

7:36

of children. There's literally the business of money

7:39

You're in a partnership truly We're

7:42

in a partnership. You guys are the greatest

7:44

lesbian couple Thank you.

7:46

Thank you so much. Can you love each

7:48

other we try but like we can't we

7:50

would love to get married We could do it. We already

7:52

fight like a married couple It's more like the

7:55

thought of like actually having to like share

7:57

bed and like wake up next to her

7:59

makes me a little

7:59

nauseous, you

8:02

know. It's true we did it for so

8:04

many years on the road because people would just give

8:06

us hotel rooms together and be like you guys

8:09

are a duo right? We're like no we're

8:11

separate humans but they do this

8:13

a few months. Well yeah it's cool.

8:15

Yeah so basically no.

8:18

No we're very much not one fan. If we could eat each other

8:20

out then we would. It would be

8:23

easier. It'd be easier. I'd be munching

8:25

right now taking a snack between But

8:29

I also think that from what I've heard

8:31

is that the lesbians they

8:34

they become very enmeshed and it gets

8:36

too much of a bummer too. Because then some

8:38

bitch is always on you. Yeah. You know

8:41

how you like you know you know like as a woman like like

8:43

for instance this morning I was so over it I

8:45

was like I'm so glad Tom's out of town. I don't gotta fucking

8:47

listen to his shit right now.

8:50

I don't gotta listen to cold plunge talk. Until

8:53

we came here and I was like yesterday I did a cold

8:55

plunge and you were like it triggered

8:57

you. It triggered you. Or a PTSD

9:00

flare up. I was like I had to pretend

9:02

to be interested in listening to cold plunge. But

9:05

the woman would be like what's wrong?

9:06

Are you okay? What are you talking

9:09

to me?

9:09

You know what I'm saying? That's me and her.

9:12

Yeah she does that to me. I'm like what's

9:14

wrong? I'm not much of a talker and

9:16

Sarah is a talker. She needs to

9:18

be connected. She needs to feel safe. Yeah.

9:21

She'll like

9:22

when we first became friends I was learning

9:24

who she was in terms of like her texts.

9:27

Yeah.

9:27

And her texts are very pulled. Like.

9:30

Yeah. Kim and I are kindred

9:33

spirits. To the point where I'm like I'll

9:35

be like hey I'm on my way. Do you need anything?

9:37

She'll throw it back. Okay.

9:39

I'll be like

9:41

okay I hope. Maybe she's mad

9:43

at me. She didn't say okay see you

9:45

soon. Love you. It's always like okay.

9:48

Well I didn't need anything and I was okay with

9:50

her being on her way. I don't feel like that's

9:54

rude. Was it you Annie that was upset when

9:56

I wrote back something you invited me to something?

9:58

Uh.

9:59

I don't think so. Anyway, one of you guys,

10:02

maybe it was Nadav, invited me to something

10:04

and I texted back, I'd rather die. And

10:07

he was like, that really hurt

10:09

my feelings. I was like,

10:11

did it? I just, I was joking. I like when people

10:13

message me and they're like, come to Wisconsin and

10:15

I write, no, thank you. But

10:18

I will. Wisconsin message. I

10:20

know, I'm going to Madison. It's a two

10:22

planer. I'm not looking for the plane. Oh, two planer? But

10:25

actually quite nice. Madison's great. It's

10:27

a good market. Is it? I just really talked to your

10:29

agent about that. Oh, you

10:31

hear that? If

10:33

he's watching. So, so

10:35

I don't know if the putting the putsy

10:38

outsies is I do think if you

10:40

can withhold sex as long

10:41

as possible, this is the way

10:43

you have to like you don't give in when you

10:45

think they're going to go fuck someone else because they probably will.

10:47

Yeah. Or need to. We're going

10:49

to go get their dick sucked. Whatever. God, I really,

10:51

I really do think that women having to

10:53

compete with the apps is what's killing it. It's

10:56

killing it. It's killing. The

10:58

thing that's also really sad because I've been on and off

11:00

the apps for some time, right? I

11:03

pause my profile, then I reactivate and I

11:05

pause it and I reactivate. I'm in

11:07

a yo-yo relationship with the apps too.

11:10

But so now I'm seeing guys. Oh,

11:12

not you again. You were on here three years

11:14

ago. Oh yeah. When you and then you rematched again

11:16

and you and then he writes like hello again.

11:18

Yeah, this

11:21

is how you again.

11:23

It's horrible. He's like, hello again. Oh,

11:26

I guess maybe you didn't get my earlier messages. Oh,

11:28

well. And you're like, I

11:30

had a really slutty moment. Yeah. On

11:33

the apps recently. And I'm not very one to have

11:35

very many slutty moments. Is that true? Yeah.

11:39

I'm 33. Just loves to

11:41

call me out for a laugh.

11:43

She has a

11:44

one night stand. I don't.

11:47

Oh, okay. Puritan. I

11:50

am a virgin. I had a couple

11:53

in my time. But mostly

11:55

in college. Most of mine were like early on in

11:57

college. And then I really just like if

11:59

you see me. because he there's like cobwebs in it. I'm

12:01

not slut. I do never get fucked. It's actually

12:04

shameful. I'm more shamed. I'd rather get fucked more.

12:06

Yeah. But I did hook

12:08

up with someone like 10 years ago when I first moved

12:10

to LA off an app. And then we

12:12

matched again and I forgot.

12:15

Oh, that you banged him? That I banged him. Isn't

12:17

that kind of slutty? Yeah, that's really slutty.

12:20

That's really slutty, right? That's crazy. He

12:22

looked different. I forgot his name. It was truly a one night

12:24

stand. But he looked different. He looked different.

12:26

Maybe that's why. Maybe, but still I should remember

12:29

who was inside of me. Maybe. That's

12:32

kind of crazy. I don't know, but maybe your generation has

12:34

it right. I mean, maybe. No, I'm

12:36

serious. We've tasted the rainbow.

12:39

That sounded gay. Splits in my Skittles.

12:42

That sounded gay. Give me a Skittle. Hit us

12:45

up. We'll have our pockets gling-gling.

12:47

Because my generation was still

12:50

old

12:51

school, right? You pretty much meet the

12:53

person you're gonna marry in your 20s and

12:55

then you just do it. You do the normal progression

12:57

of things. But that being

13:00

said, who's to say that that's the

13:02

right way of doing things? I mean, maybe

13:05

I should have been more of a whore in my 20s and 30s

13:07

and then. I'm about to start

13:09

being a whore again. I started, I was in

13:11

my 20s. I was, what? Let's

13:13

talk about it. I was in my 20s

13:16

and I stopped and now I'm gonna go back again. I think

13:18

I'm gonna whore it up. Fuck it. Yeah.

13:21

Life is too short to be shamed for being a slut.

13:23

Well, here's the deal, man. You clip that. Yeah, for

13:26

sure, clip that. Here's the deal, man, is that

13:28

there's this great, can you show her

13:30

the Eastern European woman who

13:32

I love, Marguerite? Marguerite

13:35

has this great, so this is, she's

13:37

got an English accent. She lives

13:38

in England. Her mother is Eastern European. And

13:42

Marguerite says a lot of stuff that makes sense to

13:44

me because my mother said the same thing to me. And I want you

13:46

guys to see this clip. Let him find

13:48

it. Have you seen, cheers. A

13:50

high body count for women is not a good thing. That's

13:52

what they say, right? High body count, not

13:54

good, not good. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing,

13:58

but I will tell you one thing.

14:00

Why are you telling them your body counts?

14:05

Are you in an interrogation? What's

14:08

happening? What's happening that you're so liberal

14:11

with your life and your past? Have

14:14

some mystery, have some mystique, baby. If

14:16

you choose to go on the train of sleeping

14:19

with every man, and then you regret

14:21

it, just don't tell anyone.

14:24

She's not wrong. You don't have to.

14:25

No one will know. Okay?

14:27

Okay? A

14:29

better solution is to

14:30

be more, um, decisive

14:32

with who you sleep with. I agree with that. If you watch my channel,

14:34

you will know that.

14:36

Because we don't let anybody in, we don't just let anybody

14:39

in. I'm very big on that. But, if

14:41

we've made that mistake, who's

14:45

asking you? Who's asking

14:47

you?

14:49

You don't always have to be honest. I love her.

14:51

She's the best. Marguerite, come on

14:53

my podcast. I want to talk to this bitch. Josh, show

14:55

a little bit. Reach out to Marguerite, please. You

14:58

know who I love? Have you seen Sprinkle

15:00

Sprinkle? Sprinkle Sprinkle. Okay. So,

15:03

uh, I want no Dusty's coming around.

15:07

She was writing advice, and it was like, my man,

15:09

I live with my man, we share rent, and he

15:11

hasn't asked me to marry him. Hold up. What do I

15:13

do? And she goes, you don't live with a man, you

15:16

live with a Dusty. And she

15:18

was like, you live with a Dusty roommate. Sprinkle Sprinkle.

15:21

Bring up Sprinkle Sprinkle. Will you look her up on TikTok? We

15:23

love her. Her best moments, she's like, I beg her

15:25

to be on my podcast. I

15:29

beg her. She just doesn't write back. I was like, maybe she needs

15:31

money, because, you know, she's Sprinkle Sprinkle. Yeah,

15:34

she's Sprinkle Sprinkle. I was like, I'll fly you out, I'll put

15:36

you up. Please come on my podcast. She's ignoring me. There she is.

15:38

There's Sprinkle Sprinkle. So,

15:41

for those of you who aren't on TikTok

15:43

obsessively, like, if

15:46

you're a normal human being without mental illness, I

15:49

mentally ill fuck. I love TikTok. I think that

15:51

this is the truth the way this is the next form

15:53

of every entertainment television's dead at TikTok all

15:55

day. So, this

15:58

woman is married. Rich

16:00

man to a rich guy and she gives you advice

16:02

on how to get with rich

16:05

men I'm going to be taken care of no dusty.

16:07

He's a dusty is a fucking scrub. That's what remix

16:10

It's what these calm in the 90s. Well, if you ask

16:12

her it doesn't even have to be a rich man It just has to be

16:14

a man that gives you his money. Okay. Okay,

16:17

sprinkle sprinkle I

16:20

like she went to close She was doing a live one

16:23

time saying that her husband was old and boring

16:25

and she doesn't care because her builder paid in laughing And

16:27

he walked into the room during the live. Yeah, that You

16:30

are on yeah, I'm I'm upset. Listen,

16:32

I have two kids. I literally my

16:35

favorite time Okay,

16:37

back it up. I have the wife. I have

16:39

the wife. I have I'm a lesbian I have a husband. I have the

16:41

kids but my life is painfully mundane.

16:43

Yes. I know it looks so fucking exciting after

16:46

I'm done recording That's I'm just gonna go pick my kids up

16:48

from school and watch them play on the on the fucking

16:51

Driveway mom look mom. Look

16:53

look look mom. Look just some

16:55

shit. That's my life. Yeah So

16:58

I spent a lot every free moment I can looking

17:00

at other people's life So you guys are very exciting to me just

17:02

you know, don't don't poo-poo your single hot dick

17:05

life Let's talk about dicks after this. Yeah Okay,

17:12

but let's Let's

17:14

do a podcast just about generals. Okay,

17:17

let's let's see what sprinkle sprinkle will tell you this

17:19

is the best This chick is fucking amazing. This might

17:21

be off the seat. She's so cute

17:23

men. Do not love you

17:25

They tolerate me she said

17:27

okay,

17:28

so I'm thinking

17:30

that baby They

17:33

tolerate you know memorize

17:35

it lust you yeah, she's right

17:37

Damn

17:42

sprinkle sprinkle if they're your family

17:46

member that is

17:49

Related to you that is a whole different type of

17:51

love but I'm speaking about

17:54

relationship top why okay,

17:57

so

17:58

Never do anything baby based

18:00

on thinking that he loves

18:02

you. Only do it based on your best

18:05

interest. Oh shit.

18:07

Only do something based on your benefit.

18:10

Don't do it, oh but he loves me. And

18:12

he'll love that reason. Because

18:14

you're going to get fooled every single time.

18:17

So love

18:21

is not words.

18:22

Sorry, she was channeling force there.

18:24

She did. She's like a psychic.

18:27

Listen. By the way, the part that we

18:29

were

18:29

talking about

18:30

before I started talking about dick chat is that... Dick

18:33

chat. So Sprinkle Sprinkle's husband

18:35

walks in and there's a

18:37

few where he's like, well get

18:39

the hell off the TikTok. Come on, we're going to go

18:41

to the thing. And she's like, shut up Larry.

18:44

Like, no. They don't have a great

18:46

thing. No, I like when he walked in and

18:48

she was calling him old and boring and he walks in and

18:51

he's like, we're done. Send me the website for the

18:53

divorce website. And she laughed at him. She's like

18:55

divorce website? How old are you? And

18:57

then she was like, anyways. And she goes, Larry,

18:59

get out of here before I interrupt one of your lives. Yeah.

19:02

No. Yes. So

19:04

I don't think there's a lot of love left between Sprinkle Sprinkle and

19:06

Larry. No. And maybe part

19:08

of that is having a transactional marriage as opposed

19:11

to not real love.

19:13

Love? I think the lesson here

19:15

is you take a little bit of advice from everyone. You don't

19:17

have to take everything Sprinkle Sprinkle does. But

19:20

get your rent paid for at minimum. If you're

19:22

living together, he should be covering... I

19:24

need a Sprinkle Sprinkle candle. Like it's her,

19:27

but she looks like a saint. See,

19:29

what I was thinking of... Talk to me about your marriage. So my

19:31

husband was broke as a joke when we met because when you're in

19:33

your 20s, you should be broke. But he was

19:36

never cheap. And we discussed that on your mom's house

19:38

when you guys were on there. So even when he was broke,

19:40

he had the... I could tell that

19:42

he had the

19:43

initiative of a hustler

19:45

and the spirit of a hustler. So he doesn't have to be rich

19:48

when you meet him. I just believe in a man who should have

19:50

ambition and have the drive and the discipline

19:52

to go I

19:55

don't mind if you're broke. I hate if you're cheap. Cheap

19:57

is inexcusable. Now,

20:00

surprise me with the McDonald's apple pie, King.

20:05

It's the least you could do, right? King.

20:10

My girl has a bar set high.

20:12

Yeah. Yeah. They

20:14

were on apple pie. I do like, but you know, they used to make them

20:16

real greasy in the 80s and now they fucked them all up.

20:19

They did.

20:19

They don't have that grease from them. Like a

20:21

pussy. It's like

20:22

a dry pussy. Just french fries, son. Notifying

20:25

my order now. But Sprinkle

20:27

Sprinkle is right. Like don't let just any

20:29

dusty in there because then you're wasting your time.

20:32

She said if a man ever asked you what you bring to the

20:34

table, tell him another man.

20:38

No man would ever ask you that. No,

20:41

they actually don't. And he's right about a lot of

20:43

things. She's right about a lot of things. Here's what she, oh, by the way, I was going

20:45

to say a lot of the 50, 50 liberal women get really

20:48

mad at Sprinkle Sprinkle. Like they'll have to have

20:50

their TikToks and they're like, my husband

20:52

and I are 50, 50. And

20:55

I'm like, oh, does he borrow your tampons too? Good

20:57

luck. What is that?

20:59

The Amber Alert.

21:03

No, National Wireless Emergence.

21:05

Is that the thing that they've been talking about on TikTok that's supposed

21:08

to affect our brains or something? I

21:09

think so. That

21:10

was that thing, right? TikTok's been saying turn

21:12

off your phone. The government's going to

21:14

send a thing and it's going to be a fake national emergency.

21:17

Oh, you just got one? Oh my God. What's

21:19

happening? I don't know. Is everything

21:21

okay? Yeah. Test of national

21:23

wireless emergency. Everyone cover your ears. It's the 5G. Yeah,

21:27

this is bullshit. Christina, cover your ears. It's

21:29

the 5G. They're sending it through. This is

21:31

bullshit.

21:32

Oh wow. That's weird. Let me just make sure.

21:35

Oh my God. Can they all get on the same page? My

21:38

suppose on do not disturb because it's

21:40

not my first merry go round.

21:42

No, it's even supposed to go off on the other

21:44

side. Well, it's not working. Give it a

21:46

second. I know it's at night.

21:47

That was kind

21:49

of scary. I didn't like that at all.

21:52

Is everyone done getting these fucking things? It's

21:54

scary that the government can override your

21:57

audio settings on your phone and like shank. I

22:00

put mine that do not disturb airplane mode.

22:02

Ooh, airplane mode.

22:04

I'm

22:06

sorry, is this sponsored by Apple

22:08

suddenly? That's a

22:10

funny thing to do during

22:13

a quiet part of a podcast. If

22:16

it ever gets quiet during a podcast, you need

22:18

that as a drop. Airplane

22:20

mode. How does that feel

22:23

so good? That's really good. I wish I'm

22:25

out, Dusty Dust Sprinkles. Yeah, so like. I

22:27

don't think she was right about saying a man

22:30

will never love you. I think her mom doesn't love her. I

22:32

think so. I think she was a little off in that video. We probably

22:34

chose one of her off ones, but most of

22:36

the time she's right. She's right. She's

22:38

normally firing on all cylinders. Yeah. We

22:41

all bomb. She's right. So I was

22:44

going to say, the one thing I do

22:46

think helps is valuing your

22:49

pussy as a special

22:52

and as a treasure and like, yeah, nobody's just

22:54

fucking allowed. I actually get so offended

22:57

if I date someone and it doesn't work out because

22:59

I'm like, how dare he have

23:01

the memory of fucking

23:03

me? I agree. How dare he hold that? I'm

23:06

like annoyed. Can you, so how do

23:08

we, how do we fix this? Like can you, you just don't

23:10

fuck them. Yeah. I just don't fuck anyone

23:12

because I get pissed when we break up and I don't like them

23:14

when they see me or

23:17

they're like, yeah, I fucked her. I hate the thought

23:19

of that. Yeah. I

23:21

hate that. I wish you could un-fuck people. Me too.

23:23

Oh, like delete. Yeah. Like

23:26

erase it. But that girl is right. You could just pretend it never

23:28

happened. And that's what I do. That's what I

23:30

did in the nineties. I've had people before being like,

23:32

didn't you hook up with that guy? And I go, who?

23:34

What? I don't even know him. Deny,

23:37

deny, deny. That's my mom said. She said, do

23:39

what you want, but deny, deny. No. That's

23:41

how fucking Eastern European bitches do it. That's what Marguerite's

23:43

talking about. Do what you want, but deny, deny, deny. I'm going to

23:45

get that tattooed. Americans

23:48

are like, I have to be honest. 50 50 equal. Shut

23:51

the fuck up. Like don't tell them everything. Don't

23:54

need to know. No, please. And

23:56

like, by the way, I don't think there is a quality

23:59

in marriage. There's no equality in

24:01

the world for anybody ever. This

24:03

is a fucking myth. And especially because women have

24:05

the biological burden of making

24:08

babies. This automatically wipes

24:10

out any sense of equality. Now,

24:13

unless you're completely outsourcing

24:15

the raising of the children, which some women do, like

24:17

some women are surgeons, and that

24:19

bitch can't take off, you know, eight

24:21

weeks or whatever, and then you just have nanny

24:24

on nanny on nanny, then both of you are contributing

24:26

to paying for the nanny on the nanny on the nanny.

24:30

You know, if you can do that in your conscience, if

24:32

you can, you know, and then

24:34

how do you feel about too

24:36

many nannies raising a kid? Then you feel guilty. Then

24:38

you walk around feeling guilty. You're

24:41

like, I should be with my kids, but this person

24:43

needs a new lung. Yeah.

24:46

Yeah. And then you're like, fuck, but.

24:49

But what do we do? The man needs braces,

24:51

and this person needs a new lung. It's

24:53

a lose-lose, honey. We're all just doing our

24:55

best. We're all just doing our best, you

24:57

know? Yeah. We

25:00

should have never been surgeons. No.

25:03

No, right? We should

25:05

be relaxing. Women should be, our job

25:07

should be to relax and raise babies

25:09

with our friends. And there should be a lot of friends

25:12

doing it together, and then all the babies

25:14

hang out. That would be dope. That would be dope.

25:16

That's why I really, my dream is to become

25:19

a millionaire, like a multimillionaire

25:21

in the next three years, and I wanna buy a 22-acre plot

25:25

and put my family on each end of it, and

25:27

then have a house in the middle where everyone

25:29

can hang. It's a great idea, and

25:31

then have everyone work for each other, and so the money just

25:33

keeps circulating. It's a great idea. I

25:36

like this. I'm gonna do this when my husband dies. I'm

25:38

already planning what my future will look like when

25:40

I'm widowed and my kids are grown. It's

25:43

just precautionary. I'm gonna open up a Golden Girls

25:46

mansion. I'm gonna buy a dope-ass

25:49

estate, just like what you're saying, and then if you're widowed

25:51

and you don't wanna age and die alone, you can come stay with me.

25:53

That's fun. Cool bitches only, though. Cool bitches

25:56

only. And then we have Puerto Rican pool boys.

25:58

I'm like... hot dudes.

26:01

I mean, bad bitches only. Yeah. Bad

26:03

grannies only. Like comedian, like a lot

26:06

of crazy bitches like us. Comedians

26:08

only. Like Whitney Cummings with dementia. You

26:12

get there, you get grippy socks as

26:15

a welcoming present. Here you go. We don't

26:17

want any of you slipping. No slips. Here's

26:19

your helmet. Yeah. And then Whitney

26:21

would bring like 20 horses. Yeah. And those

26:24

fucking horses and a bunch of like influencers

26:26

still. She knows. Gosh.

26:29

The silver influencer. She got too many

26:31

animals. Whitney, what's with the ant too many animals?

26:33

I like dogs,

26:35

but the horses. See, I

26:37

like the horses. I like

26:39

the dogs. I'm allergic to dogs and

26:42

cats. So people think I'm evil.

26:44

Maybe she

26:45

did asthma. Huh? Give

26:47

asthma to. Yeah. You know, it's crazy. I used to have

26:49

a really bad asthma when I was a kid. Like

26:52

I was in the hospital like two weeks out of

26:54

the month. Whoa. When

26:56

I was little, little until I was like five, I was

26:59

on ECMO. I think it's called ECMO when

27:01

they put like the the lungs

27:03

and everything. I almost died a few times. It was so bad.

27:05

My dad was a fisherman in Puerto Rico and

27:08

he was on the beach one day and this lady

27:10

was like, how's your daughter doing? And he

27:12

was like, you've been in the hospital for asthma.

27:14

It's really bad right now. She keeps

27:16

almost dying. And the lady told my dad,

27:18

this is a true story. She told him to go into the ocean, catch

27:20

a shark, cut the fin off, put

27:22

the fin in aluminum foil, leave

27:25

it on the roof for the day. And then take

27:27

the oils that come off from the sun and

27:29

put it in a dropper in my food and a week later, I never

27:31

had asthma again. Hey, Puerto Rico,

27:34

don't come after me, government. Puerto

27:35

Rico.

27:37

Oh, I did not kill myself. I

27:40

did not kill myself. Amazing.

27:43

Don't. Well, the Chinese believe

27:45

in shark fin soup as being it's

27:47

such a commodity. It costs hundreds of dollars.

27:50

And it's also rare. You're not supposed to do it. The thing

27:52

about the shark fins, I'm getting a shark tattoo because of it. You

27:54

should. Yeah. I ever feel

27:56

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27:59

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33:26

It's just like, it's so

33:28

dumb and like, I was just, no, that's a little of

33:30

her ass crack. What

33:34

the fuck is that? Is that a Grateful

33:36

Dead bear? I'm sorry. That

33:38

looks like when I find a bug in the house and I smash

33:40

it up too much. What? Is that a Grateful

33:42

Dead bear? That looks like someone

33:44

gives you a map and they're like, if you go to the end of this

33:47

trail. It does look like a map. Yeah.

33:50

I'm sorry. Wait.

33:53

Look on the skin of Christina to

33:55

escape. The answer

33:58

lies on the crack of mummy. What

34:00

does that mean? Where do we go?

34:02

To follow mother's tattoo to find the

34:04

treasure. If you want to escape, follow

34:07

mother's crack. Wait, what is

34:09

it? It's so bare.

34:12

What is it supposed to be? A Grateful Dead

34:14

bear? Oh my god.

34:16

Is that the road from Road Rules? No,

34:19

but two people got those. Oh really?

34:22

It's the Road Rules logo. Okay,

34:23

it's supposed to be a dragon. Okay.

34:27

But it looks more like a juggalo. I've

34:29

heard that before my agent goes. Is that

34:31

a juggalo? It looks like a man

34:33

beating an animal. Oh, it's just... Fists

34:36

in the air just about to lay it on a horse. Yeah,

34:39

and we had submissions from your mom's

34:41

house. They're like, another woman emailed

34:43

me the exact same one. No, no,

34:46

no. She got it somewhere

34:48

in the UK. I got this in Australia. This is much

34:50

worse than I thought. Terrible. What

34:52

do you guys got? You got anything worse than that? I had

34:54

a bad 818 that I had covered up.

34:57

I'd have it covered up. And now it's a butterfly. Those

34:59

are just numbers. How did they fuck up numbers? It

35:01

was like, I can

35:04

try to look and find it. It was the last gangfest.

35:07

We were not the place to get tattooed.

35:11

I have this year, Kintsugi,

35:14

which I got in my 20s. I thought it was cool because

35:16

I got it when I first started stand up.

35:18

And then I have the bowl of soup from where the wild

35:20

things are. That's cool. I got that in

35:22

my friend's apartment at five in the morning. But that's

35:25

really cool. And then a bee.

35:26

That one's super cool. It's

35:27

a matching bee. Oh, that's

35:30

really cute.

35:31

See, I go back and forth with

35:34

tattoos because I got it every

35:36

now and then.

35:36

I'm like, I should just get a fucking sleeve because

35:39

I like it. You should.

35:39

You should. Just don't go to that.

35:42

I know. But then I feel like a dork because I'm a

35:44

dragon guy. Because when he turns 60 and

35:46

then 80 and I'll go. But who cares by all of them? Who

35:49

gives a, who's looking at your sleeve? They're all like,

35:51

oh, get away. Your face is fucked up.

35:53

Don't worry. No one will look at us then.

35:55

That's true. No one cares. I've never looked

35:58

at an old person that has tattoos. When have you ever looked?

36:01

Well, I do because I'm like because I'm always

36:03

thinking about the ghost of Christmas future You know

36:05

like now I'm looking at bitches to see how

36:07

they age. Oh, yeah, cuz like Like

36:10

truly I want it cuz I'm looking now like okay What's

36:12

the next 20 years gonna look like who's cool

36:15

and there's like Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth

36:17

and I like a Kim Gordon I'm a winkle who's

36:20

that? Daddy winkle

36:22

okay. Look at that bitch. Let's

36:24

see it. Baddie winkle and jujitsu

36:26

grandma two of the baddest bitches in the game Let's

36:29

see right now. Oh, I like her. Yeah Daddy

36:32

winkle put in the word sexy after images.

36:35

Oh, she looks great. She's

36:37

incredible She's 95

36:39

click on the one in the orange the pink dress Daddy

36:43

winkle is that girl? 92 she

36:47

looks amazing. That's what I want to be Yeah,

36:49

see and I do think so much of aging

36:52

is mental because like she's in lingerie

36:55

She's caught like I looked at when I watched a

36:57

pesh mode I was watching Dave

36:59

Cajon. He's 61. Yeah, and I like

37:01

dude. He's moving like a 20 year old

37:04

the one in the One in the bed. Oh,

37:07

she's incredible. Yeah, she looks great

37:10

But so much of this is your mindset

37:12

and you're sorry. Look at her body mean Well,

37:16

there's no old fat people. You can't

37:18

be old as fat. They don't get they don't get a wall

37:22

You don't see no fucking ninety two year old fat those Just

37:25

blow your minds up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

37:27

Yeah, then I also don't see very meant you'd

37:29

never see a tall old person Okay,

37:36

you know

37:36

you don't see Asian retarded

37:38

Or

37:42

homeless Asians

37:45

Right you ever seen a

37:47

homeless no, I've never seen a homeless Asian

37:50

What

37:52

fuck where are they we're really onto

37:54

something here the three of us could solve

37:56

the world's problems You never see in

37:58

an office. You never see an Indian

38:00

person with Down syndrome

38:05

So wait Google Indian

38:08

Down syndrome you very you don't did they kill

38:10

them so they just kill it off maybe I'm

38:13

curious to see what even looks like you only see white people

38:17

White people love having oh we got

38:19

some On our adorable

38:21

fucking are way cuter than white ones Oh

38:29

Stop it. Oh, he's here. He's like. I'm

38:31

serious guys He

38:34

looks more handsome. Yeah,

38:36

he's dapper. Oh, I like the

38:38

I don't know this is gonna be so offensive Yeah, it's okay

38:41

the advanced down syndrome kid.

38:43

Oh, like they're like there's some on tiktok that are like

38:46

hot and they dance Yeah, yeah, yeah, I follow

38:48

them And

38:51

then the comments will be like

38:53

he's down, but we're all up Because

38:56

the video will be so good Yeah,

38:59

yeah, yeah, yeah,

38:59

I love when people just take whatever whatever

39:02

they have and work with it Yeah, I do

39:04

there's a lot of that down syndrome people that make down

39:06

syndrome jokes and like yeah I love it people

39:09

are fucking cool around dude. I found the down

39:11

syndrome guy on tiktok That's like

39:13

jacked like he works out and he's got a

39:15

better body Oh wait, I think my husband sent

39:17

it to me. I was like babe. Don't send this shit to

39:19

me because Like I'm very conflicted

39:22

you know what I mean? I Don't

39:25

want to be like that downs guys hot

39:27

is there something fucking wrong about it because they're

39:29

like children, you know, yeah, right Can't

39:32

lust after Try

39:35

me Okay,

39:39

let's put it okay Kim here we go hottest down

39:41

syndrome dude right now on the internet Google

39:43

hottest down so watch me. I'll get wet. All

39:46

right. Oh, but would you okay? Would you would

39:48

you just listen to me it would you? Let's

39:51

say he's a multimillionaire

39:52

Okay,

39:54

and the only downside downside

39:59

Okay He's but he's mildly

40:02

down. He's not like Totally

40:04

totally down. He like his eyes are a little

40:06

too. It's like something's a little off. Yeah, he

40:08

spits when he talks. Yeah and But

40:12

he looks okay, where's my Google

40:14

I don't see hot down syndrome

40:16

guy

40:18

Okay,

40:19

well

40:21

Why is he in a jail outfit? Wait,

40:23

wait, wait with the one in the jail outfit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

40:25

Yeah. Yeah Oh man went

40:27

down syndrome dies in hot car

40:29

as caregiver. Oh, I think that's the caregiver.

40:32

That's the caregiver I was like, okay, I picked

40:34

that one Okay, you're

40:36

gonna have to pick Now

40:38

keep going. There's gotta be more that

40:41

one that one. Okay, that's your husband.

40:43

Now. Hold on there. He is No,

40:45

that's I'd rather just be poor.

40:48

No, hold on.

40:50

He's 22. His name is Kyle and he look He's

40:53

shocking the world. This is amazing physique. Okay, so that's

40:55

this is your this is your husband

40:57

There

40:58

he is Kimmy go get him. Okay, your

41:00

man does he have that thing on him what

41:02

thing? Oh, well,

41:05

let's talk about it. How big does he need to

41:07

be? We'll give you full dick ring. You

41:09

can have whatever I don't really know.

41:12

What are you are you been to big big honkers?

41:14

I know you like a big We're

41:18

not slut shaming here today Kimmy I'm

41:21

just trying to understand listen. I it's been so long

41:23

big I've had the

41:25

same dick for 20 years. This

41:27

is the dick that I want to marry is Big

41:30

enough to when we have sex. It just

41:32

hurts a little. Okay Okay,

41:35

not like please get it out. Yeah.

41:37

Yeah, not that I'm hurting the whole time, but that it hurts

41:40

like the first That's cool.

41:42

Yeah, because I know women that I know a woman who

41:44

was married to

41:45

a very big Dick and

41:47

she was like it's really a nightmare. I actually

41:49

don't enjoy it. Yeah, I'm gonna pass him

41:52

on

41:53

He's remarried already Oh God, yeah

41:59

I'm getting really offended

42:02

when they hear that I am like a size thing.

42:04

They're like, what a whore. And I'm like, you

42:06

should know I have so many friends that don't care.

42:09

I have so many friends that actually don't care about big size.

42:12

You're there at all, sir. Well, well,

42:15

actually, let's take that back a little. I

42:17

don't want like a micro. If it's a micro,

42:19

a bitch is out. What if it's a micro, but it's

42:21

good pussy? Does he last

42:23

a long time with the micro? Not

42:26

a micro. No, no micro. No

42:28

micro. Look, I agree. I'm somewhere

42:30

in the middle of like what's acceptable, but

42:33

not a micro. I just call it a nice boyfriend size.

42:35

Like six to seven inches is fine

42:37

for me. Boyfriend size is great. They all laughed

42:40

when he said six to seven. Is that big? I

42:42

think that's like I think the average is five, right?

42:44

Yeah. I don't know what's average. I think average is

42:46

five. We'll see what the Internet. The

42:49

average is five. I say I was like,

42:51

I don't want anything crazy. Just seven,

42:53

seven and nine inches. No,

42:55

she's right. Can we

42:57

see what an average penis looks

43:00

like in comparison? I need to see an image.

43:02

I need something for scale. Banana

43:05

for scale. There we go. Banana for scale

43:07

penis size.

43:08

What's that say?

43:10

Not the banana for scale. Oh,

43:13

here we go. Oh,

43:17

five inches is kind of big. Yeah, that's big.

43:19

Oh, that's cool.

43:21

That's not bad. Yeah,

43:24

I would say it looks like the country has the biggest penis.

43:27

Oh, yeah, we should get a flight. I know

43:29

where it is. Oh, one way. I watched an episode.

43:32

Nigeria, naked day in Nigeria. All

43:34

the black eyes in the Africa. Is it the

43:36

biggest dicks, dude? It's

43:39

got to be OK. Look, let's see who's got the biggest penis.

43:43

They are. It says Ecuador.

43:45

Yeah. And

43:48

the land. Why?

43:50

Closer to the equator.

43:52

Nigeria is down here. Wow. Right.

43:54

Yeah, the heat is hotter and your

43:57

balls get hangier and your dick gets hangier. Oh.

44:00

You guys didn't know that she's right the equator

44:02

is the gravitational pull is different It

44:04

pulls on the dick and stretches it same as your breasts.

44:07

It'll be much flappier in Sagging

44:10

Ecuador And get some

44:12

slutty. I mean sloppy today. I

44:15

can't wait Take these titties to Ecuador

44:17

and let them flop what happened to your boobs. I

44:19

went to Ecuador Guys,

44:22

I love you. You should listen to their podcast called

44:24

this bitch They're gonna do it live

44:27

on November 26 at the Comedy Store in Los

44:29

Angeles The greatest comedy club besides the mothership

44:31

on earth and then shank podcast

44:34

with Sarah one shank her own stuff and then Kim

44:36

Kong been take over both of these

44:38

girls are on patreon if you want to see their

44:40

feet, right? Yeah Just

44:43

kidding. No, are we doing it for real? Yeah, I put my

44:45

feet on patreon. There you go dollars a month, baby I Love

44:53

you guys so much. Thank you for having us main

44:55

mommy. All right. I love

44:57

you. Mommy You subscribe to my show and until next

44:59

time stay cool bitches. Bye

45:18

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