0:00

Ready in Gmesch, Arba,

0:02

Shalosh, Stein.

0:24

Come see me to stand up in Chicago

0:28

Gizanoi at the Park West Theatre

0:31

April 29th. Milk Jockey

0:33

Giz-Conson, Turner Hall Ballroom April

0:35

30th. Charlestown West Virginia,

0:38

Hollywood Casino at Charlestown Races,

0:41

May 13th. And then Calma

0:43

de Vex downtown September 14th, 15th, and

0:47

16th. And I'm proud

0:49

to announce, finally, finally,

0:51

a

0:53

return to my birth

0:56

country of Canada. That's

0:59

right. I'm going to be announcing it very, very soon.

1:02

I will be doing Toronto and

1:05

Winnipeg September 7th and 8th. And

1:08

I'm fucking stoked.

1:11

Just so you guys know, I've been trying

1:14

to get back to Canada for the longest

1:16

time, but because of COVID, I wasn't

1:18

allowed to go into your country. I'm sorry, our

1:21

country.

1:22

and I will be renewing my Canadian passport just

1:24

for the event. Also, secondly,

1:27

buy my lipstick. If you haven't already, I've

1:30

just got them all restocked from Italy. A

1:32

fresh crop, they're so beautiful.

1:35

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1:37

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1:40

I have sucks and I decided

1:42

to make my own. And Chase is with me and she's got

1:44

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1:46

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Okay, guys, I'm so

2:52

proud of my guest, Chase O'Donnell. You

2:54

guys have watched her grow up before

2:56

your very eyes in the last

2:59

few years as my little baby

3:01

feature and you are just blossoming baby

3:03

bird. Tell everybody, first of

3:05

all,

3:06

they can see your new comedy hour on

3:09

YouTube right now. Yes, it's 35

3:12

minutes. So

3:14

we'll call it a comedy special. It's a special. And

3:18

it's on YouTube, it's called People

3:20

Pleaser. I love that. And what's your channel

3:22

that they can find it at?

3:23

Well, it's on the page

3:25

that the production company. So

3:28

if you just search Chase O'Donnell, People Pleaser.

3:30

Perfect. It pops right up.

3:32

And Heather

3:35

did the little design. Amazing.

3:38

Of me standing there.

3:39

Doing your thing. And also you've got so many

3:41

views on it already. It's really hot and people

3:44

have been putting it on TikTok and on the Gram.

3:46

People have been using my voice

3:49

to overdub their,

3:51

Like you know how people do that on TikTok?

3:53

I do. It's very- You know

3:56

the TikTok. The ticks, I love it. See how their

3:58

mills did that. Oh my gosh. Really

4:00

good cover Heather. But also

4:02

you've hit, a lot of these clips have gone

4:05

viral, you've gone over a million. So

4:07

it's a huge deal and I'm so

4:10

proud of you. It was in the New York Times.

4:13

I sent you that, you already knew that. Look at me just

4:17

sharing the news again. Amazing.

4:21

You're so hot right now, I'm so proud

4:23

of you. And then we have, you're doing

4:25

colleges pretty soon. You just signed with the

4:27

big college agent.

4:29

Yes, correct. What

4:32

was the other thing I knew? I'm doing, I'm

4:35

headlining in La Habra in April.

4:38

Will this be out by then? Yeah, what's the date?

4:40

And then April 22nd. April

4:43

22nd. And then here in Austin, May

4:45

18th. Even bigger news, y'all.

4:48

She will be headlining the Red Room

4:50

in Austin at Cap City Comedy Club,

4:53

May

4:53

18th. May 18th. Woo!

4:56

Nadav, will you be there?

4:58

Yeah, I'll be there. Any

5:00

you two, everyone's gonna actually be

5:02

required to come from the required. So

5:06

get your tickets right now, right now, right now, right

5:08

now, because I know it's going to be, they're going to go fast.

5:10

The red room is the beautiful intimate room.

5:13

I think it's the perfect size for comedy. So

5:16

get your tickets while they're still here because I think they're

5:18

going to go really, really fast. And I'm so

5:20

proud of you, dude. Thank you. Yeah.

5:22

And it's crazy, because I've watched

5:25

you do this from when you filmed

5:27

your special,

5:28

and literally the next week

5:31

you had a full new hour of material, which

5:33

I think is so incredibly impressive.

5:36

And I- I hope it was very good, but thank

5:38

you. It was. And now- There was

5:40

something. I mean, not

5:42

that, I feel like I can

5:44

do the same jokes, because it's not like everyone

5:47

has seen it, but the challenge of

5:49

doing new material is,

5:51

Yeah,

5:54

it's always scary, but

5:56

I think now there is a level where

5:58

you get proficient and they think

6:00

you're there now where you know how to write a joke.

6:02

And Bill Burr once told me, he was such a brilliant

6:04

thing, he's like, you know how to write a joke. So

6:07

yeah, all you have to do is write five new

6:10

minutes a month and

6:12

at the end of the year, you'll have an hour. And it's

6:14

like, well, yeah, that's not true. When you just think of it that

6:16

way, like five minutes a month. That's so true.

6:19

And then I got the best piece of advice

6:21

from Ron White this last week, who I just

6:25

idolized for so long and I've like studied Ron

6:27

White. And he said to me

6:29

in the green room, he's like, one thing I learned

6:31

in comedy, Christina, if you're doing

6:33

good,

6:34

slow down. And if you're

6:36

doing bad, slow

6:39

down. I just love him so

6:41

much. That's really good advice.

6:44

Yeah. Because I speed up. Everyone does.

6:46

That's why he told me that. I just did

6:48

a show this week.

6:49

The whole

6:52

crowd only spoke Spanish. The

6:54

bartenders, like to even to order

6:56

a drink, you had to order in Spanish, nobody

6:59

spoke English. And I was the draw, I

7:01

was the headliner. What? And I was

7:04

five minutes. Yeah. I did.

7:07

You were like, I'm done. I started with crowd work,

7:10

but no, I was like, who's here? What

7:12

venue, what city is this? It was a sports club

7:14

in North Hollywood. Isn't that funny that

7:16

in North Hollywood, Los Angeles, you can

7:18

go somewhere where like nobody speaks

7:19

English. That's so fascinating. So

7:22

you just did a tight five? I did a tight, it

7:24

wasn't tight, but I did a five. I

7:27

got out of there really fast.

7:30

Yeah.

7:31

Did they expect you to speak Spanish? I

7:34

think they didn't expect,

7:37

like I think, no, no,

7:39

they didn't. I don't know what

7:42

happened. Yeah,

7:44

it's ironically enough, I had something similar

7:47

happen to me in Texas a million years ago.

7:49

I was booked in, I think like Odessa,

7:52

Texas. And it was like in a shed

7:54

somewhere. And it was all people that didn't

7:56

speak English. A shed? There's a shed, an Odessa

7:59

metal shed.

8:00

It was rad and

8:02

I was like, this is gonna be bad. Cause I could tell

8:04

no one spoke English. I knew before. You

8:07

knew, yeah.

8:07

But like, what do you do? Oh, I'll tell you

8:10

what I did. I dared

8:12

the MC to light his fart.

8:14

Cause I was like, this is gonna be

8:17

a disaster. We may as well have fun.

8:19

I mean, this is a hell of a cake. And he did,

8:22

he lit his fart. And we

8:24

laughed so fucking hard. And

8:26

then it was downhill from there. and then I just ate a

8:29

bag of shit for an hour. Literally.

8:31

Like whatever. Yeah, okay. So now I

8:33

know. You just eat shit.

8:36

You just have to welcome failure.

8:39

Josh Potter came to the show. Shut

8:41

up. And he's like,

8:42

wait, what is this thing?

8:46

What are you thinking? What was the night called?

8:48

Was it like Latin? Like did you

8:50

know it was Spanish night? No,

8:53

I didn't. I thought it was a comedy show and a sports

8:55

bar. They didn't

8:57

tell you anything. Okay,

9:00

so you show up and you can tell Riley,

9:02

like, oh shit, everything's in span. Well,

9:05

I originally couldn't do the show because

9:08

I had a conflict and I said, I'm only

9:10

available at 9.30, so they switched the show

9:12

to 9.30. Oh God. So that I

9:14

could be there. That's how much of

9:17

a draw I was for this crowd. Wow.

9:19

They really wanted to be there. You should really learn

9:21

Spanish. It sounds like you've got a whole, They

9:24

like blondes, these Latins love blondes. They

9:26

just wanted to look at you for an hour. That's

9:28

good, show them your tits next

9:30

time. Okay, okay. Well,

9:33

he got through it and that's all he can to show

9:35

this. I sped up though and I needed to

9:37

take his advice and just. Slow down.

9:39

Slow down. First day when you're

9:41

doing good. Slow down.

9:44

When you're down bad. Slow down.

9:46

So you're incredibly successful,

9:49

things are going your way. I'm

9:51

really excited for you. And

9:54

we were talking about, I'm always fascinated by

9:56

your dating life because as a

9:58

married...

10:00

mom of two children. You know, once

10:02

you get married and you have the kids, life is just mundane.

10:05

And I really look forward to hearing about the excitement

10:07

of single girl life. Oh, I

10:09

think you forget so quickly. It's

10:13

not so exciting. But

10:18

you know, here's the switch. Yeah.

10:22

I I

10:26

went to a psychic in

10:29

January. Whereabout? She

10:32

came to me. What? House

10:34

call. You're

10:36

like, you're officially showbiz. This is what

10:39

Hollywood people do. Pick Hollywood.

10:41

So she shows up at your house. Does

10:43

she bring her crystal ball with her? She had her tarot

10:45

cards. Cards. Tarot cards. Not

10:48

runes, I know sometimes they do that. Runes?

10:51

Rune stones. No, just

10:53

tarot. Okay.

10:55

And this is why I don't,

10:57

like we're about to find out

11:01

if she's the best psychic to ever live or

11:03

if she's just completely,

11:06

she's lost it. Because she

11:09

said, I'm

11:10

gonna meet my husband in April.

11:13

This April or just A-A-M and April.

11:15

No, like literally right

11:18

now. I mean. But a

11:20

lot of psychics do that. They say this is when

11:22

you're gonna meet your person.

11:24

but she kept going and she

11:27

said, he's from

11:29

Indianapolis. He's

11:32

younger than you. I said, uh-oh, and she

11:34

goes, only two years. I said, okay. He's

11:36

in TV development. She

11:39

had everything, she said, he's not

11:41

in my circle of friends. He's right outside

11:44

of my circle of friends. And

11:46

I

11:47

just felt like that specificity

11:51

was way too specific. Or

11:54

do you think she's just a brilliant psychic? She

11:58

says he works in TV development. That's

12:00

fucking great. It's two years younger

12:02

than me from Indianapolis. I like this,

12:05

I like the specificity. You do. I

12:08

one time, I mean, I've seen psychics

12:10

when I was like so desperate, like, am I gonna

12:12

succeed in show business? And

12:14

I had one lady tell me after

12:17

I first had Ellis, she's like, I see

12:19

a baby blonde hair with blue eyes.

12:21

And I go, nope. She's like, it's not

12:23

the one. And my second child has blonde hair and blue

12:26

eyes. So I was like, whoa. And

12:29

then I had a psychic tell me one time, she's like,

12:31

I go, will I succeed? Please tell me I'm gonna succeed

12:33

in showbiz. And she goes, yes, I see

12:36

you living on a house on a hill

12:38

and went, yeah, and near water. And one day you'll just

12:40

pick up a phone and go, yes, no, yes, no. And

12:42

I was like, please God, let that be true.

12:45

So I do live by water and it did happen. And it

12:47

was great. But she didn't tell you April.

12:48

No. Because

12:51

we're gonna find out if it's like

12:54

right now, we're gonna find out. Right

12:56

now. are you like asking people where you from?

12:59

Yeah, I am. Actually in audiences

13:01

I've been who's from Indiana here. But

13:05

I feel like I'm,

13:07

if they're not from Indiana, do I just

13:09

like,

13:10

sorry, thank you next. I mean, I'm not sure if it's

13:12

good that you do know so much, you

13:14

know? Cause you want to leave some of it. Yeah,

13:16

cause what if you disqualify that? What if that person

13:18

you meet, because they live in LA, they don't

13:20

want to admit they're from Indiana. So

13:23

like, I was a little bummed they're from Indiana.

13:25

Same, I hate

13:26

to be a snob, but, cause you're

13:28

like, I'm an Angelina, it's LA or

13:30

nowhere, I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

13:33

I feel like I've always been, but my husband's from the Midwest.

13:35

Listen, now I feel like I'm coming off, yeah, no.

13:38

But don't, don't be like that, because

13:41

my husband's from the Midwest and they're fucking

13:43

great, they're normal. You want normal

13:46

dudes, you don't want an Angelina, like a fucking.

13:48

Yeah, I don't like actually like.

13:50

The LA guy, the turn burger. The artsy

13:53

guy. I like just a normal man.

13:55

Yeah, you want a meat and potatoes. Yeah.

13:59

nice. You go to San Diego, I like

14:01

all the guys there. Oh, those are bros though.

14:03

Bros. Yeah, you're into bros. Yeah, but

14:06

LA is more artsy, artsy

14:08

guys, like band guys. Does

14:12

her wine shank? Kinda,

14:14

she likes those troubled guys, yeah. Yeah,

14:18

I like bros. There's a lot of bullshit in

14:20

LA, there's a lot of bullshit guys with like string bracelets

14:24

and a lot of personality. You're a whole, you're a producer.

14:26

You're a producer, yeah, which you're not doing shit

14:28

with your life. Okay,

14:30

well bros are good. So

14:33

anyways, that's the latest

14:35

on my dating life. I'm just sitting

14:37

back and waiting. Waiting, okay. We're

14:40

off the apps for now, are we doing the apps? I

14:43

literally though have every single

14:45

dating app downloaded.

14:49

If you see this. Whoa, you really do. But

14:51

I'm off all of them. You're done. Yeah,

14:54

just for, I go through waves. Yeah, I don't

14:56

blame you. I honestly, I'm

14:59

the guys on the apps, no offense to

15:01

the guys.

15:02

I just,

15:05

I've gone on too many dates where I meet them in

15:07

person and they're not who they, I

15:09

thought they were, and I'd rather just meet the person

15:12

in person and know.

15:13

Yeah, I agree. That's so

15:15

tough because, oh my

15:18

gosh, like if it's one thing I've learned

15:20

is that people misrepresent themselves

15:23

on the internet. And I can't fucking

15:25

believe it. Now, you know, you're in

15:27

a picture on my dating app. Really? Mm-hmm.

15:30

Ooh, that should help, because then someone's a fan of your

15:32

mom's house. Well, I also have a clip of me and Dr. Drew.

15:35

I really play it up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

15:37

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Ba da ba ba

17:05

ba.

17:09

And there's some people that are like, hey,

17:12

mommy, say something about it. Then

17:14

the right one will come. The right one will

17:16

come. But, yeah, I feel

17:18

like a lot of people misrepresent themselves.

17:21

Yeah, it's so, well

17:24

you almost have to

17:25

in this day and age to get anybody to

17:28

swipe right, that's the good one, right? To

17:31

swipe good on you. You

17:34

don't wanna be like, here's the truth.

17:36

I'm 10 pounds overweight. I

17:39

don't really like doing stuff a

17:41

whole lot. Like if I were honest in my

17:44

20s, I would be like, I like smoking cigarettes,

17:47

drinking beer. But you were honest about

17:49

that with Tom. I know, but he knew me

17:52

before, like there was a rapport. It's the

17:54

rapport. Yeah, the difference is the billboard

17:56

is, My

17:58

billboard would be a disaster.

18:00

like it was goth for way too many

18:02

years. I dropped on a

18:05

law school, I wanna be a standup

18:07

comic. Right, oh I don't put standup comic.

18:11

Yeah, it's like, I don't know dude.

18:13

Yeah. And like I didn't, I don't,

18:15

I'm still not sure I have interests.

18:18

Do you know what I mean? Like if someone were to be like, what's

18:20

your interest? I'm like, you

18:23

know, fart jokes.

18:25

I like videos of inappropriate stuff. It's almost

18:27

your career, not your hobby. hobby.

18:29

Well, that's the thing. I made my hobby, my career, my

18:32

hobby was I like weird stuff. Yeah.

18:34

You know, when the internet was first invented and I

18:36

worked in an office,

18:38

my friends and I would send each other videos of guys

18:40

shitting into Saran Wrap and laughing. Like

18:43

that's the kind of stuff, that's who I am. I'm

18:45

a degenerate. I don't like normal

18:47

things. I don't like... But I think

18:49

guys like that. I don't know. I think

18:52

guys really like, Nadaab's nodding

18:54

weirdness. Yeah, how do you but how would I

18:56

represent that on a dating site

18:59

weird videos? Attract

19:07

the right guy or maybe it'll attract

19:09

the perfect guy. Yeah,

19:12

that's what people tell me To

19:15

put well you guys were telling me about

19:17

the cat like the musicals

19:19

that that's gonna track the right guy I did.

19:22

Well, no, but I. I.

19:25

I. I

19:29

don't love putting up these videos,

19:31

but everyone says that the guy. The guy's

19:33

going to like that. The right one will come.

19:35

The right one will. And I don't know.

19:37

Well, listen, you've had some suitors.

19:40

May you read us the DM that you received?

19:43

Oh, yes, I received such a lovely DM.

19:45

I didn't respond, but these

19:48

are the type of DMS I get. Sure.

19:50

Do you want me to read it? I would love for you to read

19:52

this aloud, but in the voice that you

19:53

read it to yourself and like, I

19:56

mean, like I want you to do it like it's in your own head. Oh,

19:59

I read. Just in my own voice here. Go for

20:01

it. Okay. Hello

20:04

beautiful heart, heart, heart. Do

20:06

you need a sugar daddy that will take care

20:08

of your bills and rent and pay you weekly

20:11

allowance? Is

20:14

that US?

20:15

I didn't confirm, but yeah. In

20:18

exchange of your attention,

20:21

care and advice, no

20:24

sexual activities. Let

20:26

me know if you're interested. XX

20:28

Rose heart kissy face and

20:31

then hold on that was sent on Thursday at 8 23 a.m So

20:34

he was up early. He

20:36

wants to make sure it's not a booty call This

20:38

is none of this is love and

20:40

then Sunday cuz he didn't hear from you.

20:42

He follows up with hello Are you

20:45

still interested? But you

20:47

never responded so yeah, you

20:49

never gave interest now I posted

20:51

this on my finsta because you know, I have a finsta.

20:54

What's

20:54

that the fake and stuff?

20:56

Oh Oh, you have a Finsta, which

20:58

is like your real Instagram you mean. No, I'll

21:01

just post, like I feel like I can't post this

21:03

on my real Finsta cause

21:05

he would see that. He'll see that and then yeah, yeah.

21:08

But I posted this on my Finsta

21:11

and said, what do you think? Do

21:14

I go for it? And everyone said yes. Those

21:17

people are not your friends. Okay, well,

21:19

I'm obviously not doing it, but 5500 a

21:21

week would be a game changer. That's

21:25

a huge amount of money and no sex,

21:28

just in exchange of your attention,

21:31

care and advice. Something tells me English is

21:33

not his first language. Really? Yeah.

21:36

Look at his picture. Let's look at his photo. Can we look

21:38

at it just between us? Can you just zoom in? Just zoom in

21:40

on his photo on the job.

21:42

No, not on the text on his photo. Oh,

21:44

okay. He's going there. You

21:47

know, I saw- Oh no, go down to

21:49

the left. God, it's like- Okay. The

21:51

dog was just made of retarded parts. He

21:54

looks like English is his first language,

21:56

but I don't know how you would say that. Can I tell you

21:58

what I signed, Tech Tech?

22:00

a room of men in Nigeria. There

22:05

he is. Should I do it,

22:07

Christina? Oh, absolutely. For those of you

22:10

guys just listening,

22:13

he looks like the captain from Below

22:16

Deck. Can you Google the

22:18

captain from Below Deck, the male guy,

22:20

not the female. This is 100%. So

22:23

first of all, this guy is not the

22:26

man in the picture. I think we all know that. Yes,

22:28

that's what he looks like. That's right, he

22:30

looks like the guy in the picture. Wait

22:33

a minute,

22:34

what's his name again? Captain Lee,

22:36

you got Captain Lee from Below Deck to

22:39

make you a sugar baby?

22:41

Wow. But is

22:43

that rare? Do you guys just want

22:46

care, advice and attention

22:48

and nothing else for 5,500? Not

22:52

at first, I mean at first, yes.

22:55

No. No, sweetie. Yeah. He's

22:58

gonna, no, that's, no. The care is

23:00

what worries me. I would give advice.

23:04

Do you think he needs medical care?

23:06

Like he would change his die down. I

23:08

feel like there's some bandages that

23:11

need to be changed. Now I don't

23:13

think that's what he needs? Okay. There

23:15

he is, Captain Lee. Yeah, yeah.

23:18

Wow, so whatever grift, I wonder, is

23:20

this, do you guys think this is from Nigeria? Like

23:22

this is some like foreign fucking.

23:25

I mean, it would be, I did get hacked by-

23:28

Yeah, these are Nigerian guys catfishing

23:31

you. Wow, this is amazing. Can we

23:33

answer just to see?

23:35

Just, can we just go down the path a little? Yeah,

23:37

of course. Okay, Chase, guys, what should

23:40

we write back? Yeah, you guys are good at

23:42

this stuff. I will only write back what you think,

23:44

what you tell me. Yeah, I'm interested.

23:47

Really? What kind of care, which

23:49

we ask them to get more specific? What's

23:51

the care? Or can we say, send me some pics? You've

23:53

seen me, I'd like to see more of you. Let's

23:56

see

23:56

because that's how you get dick pics. That's

23:58

what I'm saying. I don't want that I don't want

24:00

that. Send me your dick pics. Yeah, send them.

24:03

I don't want that. No, we do want that. And then I'm

24:05

giving him off the wrong impression. Okay, hold on. The wrong impression.

24:08

Wait, wait, wait. Let's get serious here. What

24:10

are we going to say to him, Captain Lee? Uh, ooh, you know

24:12

what? Just give him more opportunity to elaborate. Be

24:14

like, this sounds interesting. Tell me more. Oh,

24:17

okay. I am interested. Don't go anywhere.

24:19

But can you tell me what his name is? I know we can't say that

24:22

on the air, but. I would

24:24

say I'm thinking 10. Oh,

24:26

like I would do it for 10 KOE. Well,

24:28

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Say 10. My

24:32

first thing is I was like, but that's so unreasonable.

24:35

Not for Captain Lee. He's so

24:38

famous. Ask for 10K. Okay.

24:41

Oh, has a new account.

24:44

Oh, I just said his first. We're gonna cut this part

24:46

out, right?

24:47

Yep. Okay. Okay,

24:50

so I'm responding. You

24:53

just type it. Okay,

24:55

what am I saying, Annie? How about?

24:59

I'd say, well, that's

25:01

probably something that I wouldn't do for less than 10,

25:04

but what do you mean? Could

25:07

you be more specific? That's probably

25:09

a really genuine response. I

25:12

think he's really good at this stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

25:16

I've done this before, actually, before. That's

25:19

probably something I wouldn't do for less than 10K. Can

25:21

you be more specific?

25:22

Yeah, 10K a week,

25:25

so. Shit, that's

25:27

40k a month. Oh wait. He said a week. Oh,

25:29

yeah, still say ten, but yeah, that's crazy

25:31

Yeah, never take the first number. Can you be

25:34

more specific

25:34

and what you're looking for? Yes,

25:37

yes. Yes. Yes. He's gonna write back so

25:39

fast. Although what's the time in Nigeria

25:41

right now? He's sleeping Can

25:44

you be more specific and what you're looking the

25:46

fact it says new account under anything?

25:49

Hold on. Should I put XO XO? No. No.

25:51

That's probably

25:53

something I'm... We don't want to leave

25:56

10K a week. Can you be more specific

25:58

in what you're looking for? Send. If

26:01

I get hacked... Don't

26:03

worry, just don't click a link. Don't click a link. Okay,

26:05

just don't click a link. That's all they get you, just don't click a link. Okay. And

26:08

don't send a password. Don't send a password

26:10

and don't send a link. Don't send him anything. Okay,

26:12

I'll keep this open. Oh my god,

26:14

please keep us updated on your new sugar daddy.

26:17

And it's only $8.50 right now in Nigeria,

26:19

so there's a good chance. He's at his computer. Keep

26:21

that open. Oh, he's up right now. He's

26:23

feeling lonely as fuck right now.

26:26

She's gonna be like, ooh,

26:28

we got one.

26:29

My

26:31

favorite, did you ever watch 90 Day

26:34

Fiancee the other way? No, tell

26:36

me more. Oh my God.

26:39

There was this rapper named Soja

26:41

Boy, not Soulja Boy, but

26:44

Soja Boy, S-O-J-A. And

26:47

he was

26:48

with baby girl Lisa. Baby

26:51

girl Lisa. That's me. Oh.

26:53

She looks like Yoda. And

26:56

no, it's true. So, Soja boy

26:59

and

26:59

baby girl, Lisa were

27:01

together. They're no longer together.

27:04

He dumped her and he's on to a different

27:07

lady from America. But the best

27:09

episode

27:10

is when she shows up in Nigeria

27:14

and his friends are clowning him so hard.

27:16

They're laughing behind his back when she comes

27:18

and gets into his car. And you see the Nigerian,

27:21

his friends being like, She's so fat,

27:24

she's so fat. Oh my God.

27:26

She looks so fucking funny. Yeah, he

27:29

got her good.

27:30

He got her

27:32

fucking good. I've never watched

27:35

like even a full episode of 90 day fiance

27:37

but my roommates, my old roommates used to

27:39

watch it. So I'd always like come in and be like,

27:41

what is this? It's so depressing

27:43

and depraved. But like, here's

27:46

the deal. Everyone's getting something out of

27:48

it. Baby girl Lisa is getting in love

27:50

for a minute. And he wrote a song about

27:52

her and she was like, I want to be in the video.

27:54

But she's

27:56

fat and 52 years old. And

27:58

he's like, no, no, no, no. I have to have muddles,

28:01

baby girl. And she's like, why

28:03

can't I be in the video? She was so

28:05

mad at him, yeah. Thousands

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Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

28:49

Oh my God, baby girl, Lalisa.

28:52

Yeah. What's she up

28:54

to? I'm sure she's with some other Nigerian

28:56

rapper. See, I feel like

28:59

she would take this offer in a second.

29:01

Oh yeah, anybody interested in

29:03

her. God, life is cruel

29:06

and sad, isn't it? But she is

29:08

a hard 52, let's be honest.

29:11

You could have taken care of yourself a little.

29:14

Yeah. But

29:16

she doesn't need to, she's got Soja boy. Not

29:19

anymore, do what he dumped her ass a while

29:21

ago. Anyway, okay, so

29:23

I'm happy to hear that you've at least got one

29:26

love offer on the table. I have an

29:28

offer. And it

29:31

comes with

29:33

some money. Some scratch. Yeah.

29:35

What a cool, you know what's interesting the other day? I

29:37

was thinking to myself that

29:40

I should have gone that route.

29:43

Really? Yeah. Because

29:45

my stupid ass always

29:48

did everything the hard way as a young

29:50

woman. I was like, no,

29:52

I'm gonna study for lunch and be the

29:55

smartest. Yeah, I'm gonna

29:57

do what the boys are doing. Do you stand in comedy

29:59

and and

30:00

You know, I always did everything the hard way.

30:02

And now look at my stupid ass. Like I

30:04

could have just... What? I

30:07

know, but the thing is, is like, I could have been

30:09

sitting on my ass. Here's

30:11

my other point. Okay. Okay. So

30:14

that was, I'm so exhausted because I worked so hard.

30:16

You're tired. I'm tired. You're tired, yeah.

30:19

But if I could have used what looks I had

30:21

in my 20s

30:23

to rope in some

30:25

rich old guy, and then

30:27

he dies and I get half his scratch.

30:29

It's a few millies there. And then

30:32

I'm still young enough to remarry the next sucker.

30:34

And then you get those millies there. What

30:38

was I doing? I'm a fucking idiot.

30:40

Here I am trying to be a feminist. I

30:42

feel the same way.

30:44

I use my whole 20s was

30:46

work,

30:47

work, work, work, work, work. I mean, I had actually

30:50

I did have relationships, but and

30:52

I thought some of them might work out. But

30:56

I feel like I could have been a lot of my

30:58

friends that are now married and starting

31:00

to have kids. Yeah.

31:02

Like, that would

31:04

have, I feel like I would have been on that path

31:06

had I been more focused on

31:09

relationship and not career. Well,

31:11

I'm just saying that none of it matters. And what you

31:13

should do is just get rich and like

31:16

marry an old guy and then he dies.

31:19

No, so then you have independence,

31:21

you can get your own kids, get some nannies.

31:24

What about just making my own

31:26

wealth? No.

31:28

No, listen, here's the problem

31:30

with women making their own money. I'll tell you the problem.

31:33

This whole feminist dream is a fucking nightmare.

31:36

Because, okay, so now we've proven to the

31:38

men that we can do it all, right? So I can

31:40

make money too. Well, shit, now

31:42

what happens when I have a baby?

31:44

Now I'm expected to work and take care

31:46

of the baby. So now you're doing both the

31:49

male and the female role. And

31:51

it's exhausting. And God love the single

31:53

mothers out there who are the breadwinners

31:56

and the mothers.

31:57

It is incredibly difficult. So.

32:00

So what I'm saying is after 46 years

32:02

on this planet, Anna Nicole Smith

32:04

wasn't such a piece of shit. She figured

32:06

that out. She just sit on some lap

32:09

of some old guy, JSD

32:11

for a few years, he croaks, you get his money

32:14

and then you go on to the next one. Or if I was hot

32:16

enough, I would have banged Leonardo DiCaprio for

32:18

a few years because I'm sure he gives the

32:20

money and stuff. Yeah, here's where Gieser, Gieser,

32:23

Gieser, Gieser, Gieser, Gieser, Gieser, Gieser, Gieser, What

32:26

are you finding? Wait, well, I would also

32:28

have- This is where I would be going. The

32:30

thing is, Chase, is that you need

32:32

to be,

32:33

we should have been more concerned with our looks to begin

32:35

with. Like the girls that land

32:37

these Geezer gazillionaires. Models.

32:40

I mean, we're not models, but we're enough.

32:42

Like if I just had focused on my looks and nothing

32:45

really else, I think that's what I should have done. Okay.

32:49

Personality highly over-

32:51

But you're saying it's too late for me too. It's

32:53

not too late for you. And that's not too late

32:55

for you. Well, it's too late for Leo. He's 25

32:57

and under. Yeah, you missed that.

32:59

But if you just quit comedy now and just

33:02

work on being hot all day,

33:04

that's what these girls do on TikTok. Listen,

33:08

I'm picking up, but you're throwing down. Just

33:11

do Pilates all day. I

33:13

do Pilates. But all more. No, I do

33:15

it once every month or something. That's

33:17

what these super rich guys who only like hotties

33:19

do. They just, they go for like the youngest hottest.

33:22

And then he'll discard you in five years, which is why

33:24

you have to like marry them,

33:27

fuck a prenup, you know what I mean? Like you gotta get

33:29

in there and get the money and get out. I hope all

33:31

the ladies are listening. This guy. Okay.

33:34

You see, but Christina, I wouldn't do

33:36

it.

33:37

Albert, ooh, shit.

33:40

I wouldn't do it. He passed away last

33:42

October at age 95, but you could

33:44

have sat on his lap. I wouldn't have done it. For

33:47

a couple of years.

33:47

I wouldn't. I would. I

33:50

wouldn't. He's an oil baron. This

33:53

guy, this guy looks the sprite.

33:55

Look how young he is. Click on his gallery.

33:58

Let's see. Let's see this.

34:00

this old geeze. I'd rather

34:02

be single and no money.

34:04

You don't want to share. I'd rather.

34:07

You sounded like me when I was young. Don't be stupid.

34:10

Forget about your dignity. Forget about making

34:14

your own money. Well, this has proven to be

34:16

a bad article. I can

34:18

tell, I see his face.

34:20

Okay. Well,

34:23

thank you for that advice. 95, Carl,

34:26

last check, 95 years old. three

34:29

billion, but the family knows when

34:31

the woman's coming in just for the money. Doesn't

34:34

matter, you know why? Because it's his money.

34:36

He left his money to Anna Nicole and yeah,

34:38

they went after her, but I believe she

34:41

got a chunk at the end of it. Yeah, that's the

34:43

thing. You do have to go to court. It's their money, they're adults. You

34:45

have to go to court.

34:46

You have to be prepared for the lawsuit after. Okay,

34:50

yikes. You have to be prepared. You

34:52

go into it knowing you're gonna lose about

34:54

a million to legal fees and then you're

34:56

fine. Okay, listen,

34:58

I'll let you know if I go down this path. Well,

35:01

goddamn, you know, the worst thing happened to Paulina.

35:03

Did you get it? Did he write back?

35:05

Oh no, sorry. I thought I got a notification,

35:08

but it wasn't. Oh. I

35:10

might've waited too long to respond.

35:13

That romantic ship is sale. Yeah. So

35:16

I was reading about Paulina Poriskova.

35:19

She was a famous model and

35:22

still is. She's on Instagram, she's lovely.

35:24

And she was married to Rick Ocasek

35:27

of the band The Cars. And

35:29

they were together for, I don't know, 30, 40 years.

35:33

They had two children together.

35:35

Anyway, Rick Ocasek dies

35:37

at the age of like 72.

35:41

And I mean, it was a classic,

35:44

hot model with like the Uggo

35:46

rock star, but

35:47

she was really into him. So that's Rick Ocasek

35:49

in the middle there. And those are their two adult

35:52

sons. This seems like true love. Right,

35:54

and it was. You liked it. Yeah, I loved them.

35:57

Yeah. Huge fans. He

35:59

was kind of like...

36:00

the unattractive

36:02

rock star and they really had a real thing

36:04

going well. Okay, tell

36:06

me. On his death bed. Oh,

36:09

spell. He claimed

36:11

he had the lawyers draw up a

36:13

thing saying that she had abandoned him

36:16

because

36:16

she was dating other men. They

36:19

were still, they were separated but they still lived

36:21

in the same home for many years and they

36:23

were on good terms, she thought. And

36:25

then he wrote that

36:27

she had abandoned him

36:29

and wrote her out

36:31

of his will.

36:34

So she spent the last two years

36:36

in litigation from the estate

36:38

to get her half of the money, because that's just not legal.

36:41

In the state of New York where

36:43

they live, the wife

36:45

is entitled to half of whatever they accrued

36:47

during the time of their marriage. So he

36:49

basically just put a roadblock in the way of her

36:51

getting the money and made her broke for two years,

36:54

which was horrible. So he punished her for

36:56

dating other people. Just

36:58

heartbreaking. And I don't

37:00

know if he was kind of out of it at the end of his life.

37:04

Maybe they're pumping him full of painkillers or

37:06

something, but could you imagine you spend a life

37:08

with a man and then at the very end, he writes

37:10

you out of his will because he's mad at you?

37:12

Like,

37:13

and they tried reconciling several times

37:16

and she was really into him and he was just

37:18

not willing.

37:20

That's her side of the story. I don't know what his side is because he's dead,

37:23

but- He can't tell us. Yeah.

37:26

Well, she is the mother of his kids. And

37:28

like, yeah, I mean, that's, that

37:31

to me is very different than just like

37:33

marrying someone when they're 95. Yeah.

37:37

And she put in her time. I mean, she raised

37:39

his children. I think she really liked

37:41

him. She, no, she loved him. Yeah.

37:44

Absolutely. She seems like a lovely person

37:46

too. And just sweet. And

37:49

that's unreal. But she got the money in the end.

37:51

Of course. She got what she was entitled to by

37:53

law. Okay. It was just a roadblock

37:56

at the end.

37:57

He just did it to stick it to her. a-

38:00

beautiful shoes, so we have to look

38:02

like her. Oh, she's amazing. Is the moral of

38:04

the story. Paulina Torres, good

38:06

luck, baby. Ain't nobody

38:08

look like Paulina but Paulina. She

38:11

is just

38:12

beyond a stunning woman. You know who's

38:14

gorgeous is Tom Brady's ex-wife.

38:17

Giselle Boyceau. Giselle. Oh,

38:19

I was stalking her.

38:21

Gorgeous

38:23

human inside and out. You know her

38:25

well. I know her well. I

38:28

watched her 72 questions with Vogue.

38:31

And now I feel like I know her. Those are so weird. Those

38:33

are so like forced. Yeah,

38:35

she's stunning. Oh, you know what couple I'm obsessed

38:38

with? Who?

38:39

Tom Holland and Zendaya. Zendaya!

38:43

You know the Spiderman couple? They're

38:45

a real life couple. Real life couple.

38:48

And they're the cutest couple ever. I've

38:50

been just watching their videos. I

38:52

love Zendaya.

38:54

So Tom Holland, he's British, right? He's

38:56

a lot shorter than hers. I don't like that. Oh,

38:59

no, it's so cute.

39:00

It's so cute. It's not gonna last. Yes,

39:03

it is. It's not gonna last. I've

39:05

dated shorter guys. Twice I've

39:07

dated shorter guys. It doesn't last. You'll

39:10

always be embarrassed on some level. I promise you, the

39:12

internet doesn't think it's gonna last, but

39:15

just watch. No. Just

39:17

watch them interact. No. Can I tell you

39:19

why? Okay, tell

39:20

me. So it's cool when you're in love, and then

39:22

the minute

39:24

Zendaya starts to notice shit that's

39:26

annoying about this guy. Like, I don't like his

39:28

fucking, he puts Vegemite or

39:30

Marmite on his crackers. It tastes like shit.

39:33

I don't like that he's eating fucking pork and

39:35

beans for breakfast. You know what I'm saying?

39:37

And then she's gonna be like, and this motherfucker's

39:39

short.

39:40

And then it's gonna start to be embarrassing. I

39:43

fucking mark my words. Okay.

39:47

And he knows it's true. That's why he did that just

39:49

now. That woo. It's called truth.

39:52

Am I right? Hey, am I

39:54

right?

39:55

I'm not a short man. I wouldn't

39:57

know. But you know how some bitch you date, you

39:59

date a girl. You're in love a little bit. You think

40:01

she's cool. And then there's one thing

40:03

that could be a deal breaker. And then a few things

40:05

go wrong and all of a sudden it is a deal breaker. Cause

40:08

he's short. Have you ever dated somebody that you

40:10

knew was not your

40:12

physical equal?

40:14

Yeah. And then- No, I've

40:16

been so

40:18

obsessed with boys that are shorter than

40:20

me.

40:21

And what happens? Well,

40:24

I'm clearly single. But,

40:28

but I, I, height doesn't, height isn't an issue for me.

40:33

Boys. Okay, we'll see. Indiana

40:35

doesn't matter. We'll see. Okay.

40:38

Can I tell you something? Dylan Sprouse height,

40:40

he's taller. I think he's like 5'10". Would

40:43

you, would you double check me? Oh, this is the boys that you like.

40:46

I'm 11. Are these the ones that we

40:48

saw there? Deep Hicks and it freaked you out. Yeah.

40:51

Yeah, that was cool. Yeah. I

40:53

don't think I looked when you pulled it up though. I

40:56

still haven't seen. Well you pull it up again. Yeah, pull

40:58

it up, let's look at their Ds. No. Okay,

41:00

let's do a little game. How tall is Dylan

41:03

Sprouse? Well, they said 5'11". Okay,

41:06

and let me look at his build. What ethnicity is he? Is he

41:08

white?

41:08

Sprouse is German. Yeah.

41:12

I'm gonna go for an average D. I don't think it's gonna

41:14

be too. Russian Jews have

41:16

huge ones. Puerto Ricans have huge ones

41:18

in my experience.

41:21

I don't want to look. I'm

41:23

scared. That's average. That's average as fuck. Oh

41:26

wait, you didn't see it. I don't want

41:28

to see a little bit. I'm going to blur that shit. God

41:30

damn. Don't

41:33

make me look, don't make me do it. See the problem with the photograph

41:35

is that it's blinking

41:38

out. I

41:41

can't see. I just saw some shaft. I didn't see the whole

41:43

film. It's not bad. Yep,

41:45

they're only showing shaft but good

41:47

shaft. I've looked it's a good. Now.

41:50

I'm looking It's not

41:52

bad chase. It's not bad. He's

41:54

not sure he's 511

41:56

Yeah, his body's too young for

41:58

me. years

42:00

ago. How old is he in this photo?

42:02

He's probably like 26 here. Now he's 31. I think

42:05

I like older men. I

42:07

think this feels gross. He's too

42:10

pubescent. And

42:12

he shaves his pubes too.

42:14

No, I don't think it's that crazy of a dick. See,

42:17

if a guy had a crazy dick, he'd show him a whole dick. I can't believe

42:20

we're still looking at the photo. Can

42:22

we look at his face? But he only shows the shaft.

42:24

The

42:24

face is in here too. But Annie,

42:27

hear me out. somebody that's taking dick pics

42:29

I'm sure you have. Okay. Still

42:31

you feel like this

42:34

is an optical illusion

42:36

because he's highlighting

42:38

what's good. You understand? He's

42:40

not showing you the whole dick because it probably ends

42:42

right fucking there. By not showing you the whole

42:44

dick? No, I mean there's also

42:47

the argument. What

42:49

are you

42:50

talking about? This

42:52

is the only thing we're talking about. That

42:54

it keeps going? Exactly. Yeah,

42:57

there's the argument that it's like, you know, there's kind of,

42:59

there's more, there's more, I'm kind of keeping

43:01

you guessing, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you

43:03

can't fit it in one picture. There's so much.

43:06

All right. Like, I don't know. I'm not saying

43:08

that, no. I'm just saying that like,

43:10

I'm keeping you wanting, you know? It's like, if you saw the whole thing,

43:12

it's like, well, that's that, you know? It's like, what more do you need to see?

43:14

Oh, it's a tactic. I see, I

43:16

see it's the opposite. I like

43:18

to see the whole presentation. I've,

43:20

do you get- And then I can make up my mind. Do you get sent?

43:23

No, I mean, I do, but I don't know it. I

43:25

don't look for them in the 99 plus. I'm

43:28

sure they're there, I'm not looking. I've never,

43:30

I've gotten one dick pic and it

43:32

was a joke.

43:34

A joke? Yeah, like it was like

43:36

a gay friend. Oh

43:38

yeah. He was like

43:39

just joking. Was it his dick or

43:42

like someone else's on the internet? Oh God,

43:44

I thought his, but maybe someone else's. Okay.

43:47

Yeah, you don't want that. So

43:50

you've dated short kings. I

43:53

wouldn't say dated. What did

43:55

you do with those short kings? Um... hook

44:00

up with the short kings? Yeah.

44:02

OK, so you like this. There's guys like you

44:04

don't talk when you're sober.

44:06

It's

44:14

just a damn chase. This

44:16

is college. You are. This is college.

44:19

Damn, she a gangster.

44:22

There's guys you don't talk to when you're

44:24

sober. There's no such thing as Wednesday.

44:27

I mean, she is. Remember that?

44:29

She's a gangster, dude. Ice

44:34

cold, I didn't realize, dude. We're

44:38

talking, I'm talking 2011, 2012. Sure,

44:40

sure, this is young Chase, super young

44:42

Chase. I mean, you're still young. Okay. Thank

44:45

you, thank you. So then you just hookups. So

44:47

why not take it into dating town? Cause you're ashamed

44:50

to be, what's that called? The moped? You

44:52

can get around, but you don't want your friends to see you writing

44:54

it.

44:55

Yeah, like on Sex and the City, the episode

44:57

where like, He takes her to the Chinese restaurant

45:00

that no one goes to. Yeah. No,

45:02

no, it was, it was,

45:04

it was because, I

45:06

mean, I think you guys think that I'm better

45:09

at getting a guy than I actually

45:11

am. I don't know. I feel like- Could you stop with the shit?

45:13

Like, you know how I don't think you- I don't know what I would do to be like, hey,

45:15

let's move this to the next level.

45:19

I'm so upset with your- She's- And he's

45:21

hitting the table because we're so upset with you.

45:23

Like, you don't- you

45:25

need to know what you look like. Like you're

45:28

so pretty, right guys? Like

45:30

she doesn't need to fucking. Right? I'm

45:32

just kidding. I'm super pretty. She doesn't need,

45:35

you know, need to do nothing, man. So

45:38

I posted a guy in my story

45:40

and like three girls wrote back, date

45:42

him.

45:43

And it was like, okay,

45:47

like how do you, the

45:49

guy has to kind of pursue you. I

45:51

know. The guy has to. But this

45:54

is a symptom of the technological

45:56

era that we're in, where I think

45:59

men are not.

46:00

I don't know, is this the dating conundrum?

46:03

How do you approach women? How do you,

46:05

it's a whole thing now. They can't just talk

46:07

to you, right? I don't know. Definitely, there's

46:10

some fear behind that, some shame behind it,

46:12

but yeah, you're just leaving breadcrumbs, you know what I'm

46:14

saying? You can kind of let them know without letting them know. Yeah.

46:17

How does she let them know without letting them know? Yeah, how

46:19

do you let them know without letting them know? I think you could

46:22

let them know though. Be like, hey, I'd like to

46:24

go grab a drink with you. Oh no. That's

46:26

after me before and that's like, it's

46:29

good stuff. There's too much that you already got her then. It's

46:31

like, you don't gotta work. Thank you. Yeah, hey,

46:33

that's normal for some people. Like, yeah, that's

46:35

cool. I don't need to feel like I worked

46:37

for this girl. Right. Christina,

46:40

don't make that face. Wrong. You're not gonna like it.

46:42

Men don't like that shit. I also

46:44

don't like being the pursuer. Of course

46:47

not, because I'll tell you what ladies listening,

46:49

don't buy into this feminist horse

46:51

shit that men want

46:53

you to ask them out. Men want you to court

46:55

them. The only guy that's gonna want

46:57

you to court him

47:01

is a beta fucking fake

47:04

lie. He doesn't really have a

47:07

unit, you know what I'm saying? There's

47:09

no lead in his pencil. You don't want,

47:12

that's a lazy lion. You don't want a lazy

47:14

lion. Yeah, we want the

47:16

guy, but very specific guy.

47:19

We wanna like the guy because also

47:21

if I don't like the

47:24

guy and they do that, I'm like, ugh. Well,

47:26

yeah, it's always the ones you don't want that come after

47:28

you in court. That's the rule of the

47:30

universe. The one that you don't

47:32

care about. But why? Because you're aloof

47:35

and mysterious like Jackie Onassis. And he just

47:37

thinks that's like. I could write a book on

47:39

how

47:40

to get a guy. How

47:42

to get a guy that you don't like? Yeah,

47:46

how to get a guy you don't like. So

47:51

could I, I think too. Like in college

47:54

and. I think we could sell some copies.

47:56

Yeah.

47:57

It's always the one, and the one that you do like not

47:59

calling.

48:00

the one you like

48:01

as an interested in you. It's such a

48:03

fine thing. Everyone says don't play games. Play

48:07

games. You got to play games.

48:09

Yeah. I mean like it's always to care and not care at the

48:11

same time. Yeah. That's the secret to every

48:14

is to care and not care at this. Yeah. And it's

48:16

obvious a lazy lion. He

48:19

likes it. He's like when a woman is

48:21

like here's my post post on a plate. I

48:24

didn't have to work for

48:25

it. Well you know in the lion pride

48:27

it's the females that hunt and then

48:30

I'm just protect you know

48:35

I just

48:39

don't see it I've never approached

48:43

a man I just don't think they

48:45

say different strokes

48:48

for all the same folks to say strokes

48:51

for everybody huh

48:54

but I've Tom Tom and I have discussed this at

48:56

length, like in our past, when

48:58

like a woman would come up to him, he was

49:00

always

49:00

like, whoa, why are you? Right,

49:03

you told me this. But no, he liked

49:05

it, right? Or no? I think it's flattering,

49:07

but at the same time, it's kind of like, whoa, this

49:10

goes against

49:10

the forces of nature a bit.

49:13

I don't know, I'm a traditionalist. That's

49:16

just my lane. I try to be, but then sometimes

49:19

if guys

49:20

aren't getting the hint, you do have to, the

49:22

breadcrumb of like, Hey, so when

49:25

are we

49:26

hanging out? True.

49:27

Yeah, it's, I

49:29

feel like a lot of guys need a lot of

49:31

time. They get like, especially nervous

49:34

in the moment, where they would love to ask you out, but they

49:36

gotta think about how to do it. And so they're trying

49:38

to think of something, whatever. You kinda lead

49:40

him into asking the question that you would ask if you

49:42

were gonna approach him. So it'd be like,

49:45

if I was gonna ask you out for drinks, just

49:47

be like, so what are you gonna do later? Are you gonna get drinks?

49:49

Or like, what's your plan? That's smart.

49:51

He's like, oh, yeah, I was thinking

49:53

maybe you could come out with me. You know, if it's

49:56

a guy like that, that can't kind

49:58

of.

49:59

Yeah, but do we want the guy that can't um

50:02

you might you might okay you want the

50:04

guy that always does though that could be a

50:06

little bit creepy too right yeah

50:08

also true so

50:11

well said What

50:22

do you think? I

50:26

mean it's just a fine alchemy. It's

50:31

like

50:32

the guy that's always there asking, you're right, it's

50:34

disgusting. Because you're like, that guy's just shotgunning

50:36

it out. He don't care. He's just doing the

50:39

numbers thing. And you can smell that guy a mile away.

50:41

Yeah. and the shyer one might

50:44

need a little prompting. And that's okay,

50:46

you can prompt. But what

50:48

you're saying is for me

50:50

and most, and

50:53

girls in general, we

50:57

shouldn't feel like we should have the

50:59

confidence that in our heads, in

51:01

my head, look

51:02

at me babbling. I don't know what I'm saying. No, you're

51:04

doing it. But what I'm trying to say

51:06

is, I should just assume the guy wants to

51:08

go out with me and is too shy. I would,

51:11

sometimes, sometimes. You

51:13

know what? Okay. I should have the confidence

51:15

or someone. Okay, let's talk about this. Here we

51:18

go. Here we go. Can I tell you the biggest fucking,

51:21

the stupidest thing I've ever heard women

51:23

say? And I hear a lot of successful

51:25

women say this, especially female comics that

51:27

are single,

51:28

that I'm friends with, that are older, not you, obviously.

51:31

Or successful women in business. I've heard them

51:33

say things like, men are just intimidated

51:36

by me. Men are just intimidated

51:39

by me. And I'm like, I don't know if I buy

51:41

this. I don't know if I buy that.

51:43

What I think it is is sometimes you need

51:45

to make yourself more approachable because

51:47

yeah, maybe you are a performer, maybe

51:50

you are in the public, whatever, but

51:53

there's a way to talk to somebody to make

51:55

them feel Like

51:58

they're the only person...

52:00

in the world and that you're

52:03

relatable.

52:04

So what I'm trying to tell you is like, even before, let's say

52:06

I was a performer and I was married or

52:08

dating Tom, I was never intimidating

52:11

men. I was on road rules in the 90s, I was on television.

52:14

Didn't fucking slow anybody down. So I'm

52:16

not sure I buy the intimidating

52:18

bullshit.

52:20

If there's a guy that's into you, they're

52:22

gonna, they're into you. It's like, I

52:24

don't know. Am I wrong? Are you guys? Well,

52:26

at

52:27

the end of the day- But then again, I'm not Giselle Bündchen.

52:30

Maybe if I'm a supermodel, that's

52:32

different. At the end of the day,

52:35

if I was going for a guy in his

52:37

80s, 90s. Perfect.

52:41

A lot easier and like

52:43

no problem. No problem. So I think more

52:46

of the story is, we'll go back to what we were

52:48

talking about before. Yeah.

52:49

Just date. Just date. Old,

52:52

soggy, dead dudes. Speaking

52:54

of, should we see a pee? Let's see if your Nigerian

52:56

boyfriend got back to you.

52:58

You didn't get back to me. It's okay. Okay.

53:02

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

53:04

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right, let me do, I've

53:06

got this great Pajitsky effect. Oh,

53:08

I've been dying to hear it. Oh my fuck.

53:10

This one, I mean.

53:12

Pajitsky effect. Oh yeah, I forgot how

53:14

we had those. You guys, I don't

53:16

know if I've ever, if this person's related

53:18

to me, Hazel wrote this in

53:21

and man, this just hits home. This

53:23

is so specifically immigrant. Nadaavi,

53:26

maybe you have this in your family.

53:28

I don't know. This is so

53:30

fucking immigrant.

53:34

Hello, my big titted animal. I

53:36

have an immigrant slash poor Pajitsky

53:38

effect. Growing up, my mother would

53:40

open condensed milk

53:43

with the pointy ends of a can

53:45

opener. One slit on

53:47

each side. Did

53:49

your parents do that? Mmm.

53:52

No, we always had the the

53:54

the turntable my dad

53:57

did this and then then she writes then

53:59

she would blow into

54:00

one side forcing the condensed milk

54:02

out of the can. It wasn't until

54:04

I was in my 20s, when watching people online

54:06

make random recipes, that I realized that you can fully

54:09

open the fucking can of condensed milk and scoop

54:11

it out with a spoon. When I asked my

54:13

mom about why she does this, she

54:15

just said it's easier to store if you only use

54:17

half a can. Bruh, was it really

54:20

worth all that effort just to store

54:22

a fucking can on the off chance

54:24

you don't use the whole can. A can of condensed

54:27

milk

54:27

costs about a dollar. piss on me, beat

54:29

me, Hazel. Hazel, I think

54:31

you and I related,

54:32

my father, I would watch him get a can of condensed

54:35

milk and do the same thing, one slit

54:37

on one side, one on the other, but this nasty

54:39

motherfucker would drink it straight

54:42

out of the can, condensed milk,

54:44

and then put it back and I would watch him work

54:47

down that can over the course of like

54:49

two weeks.

54:50

And it was, it's so specific that I'm

54:52

really, this must be like a German, you're German,

54:55

Hazel's German, I'm assuming.

54:57

So my dad was born in Germany, so I'm assuming

54:59

this is, and my grandmother was German, what?

55:02

It was just like an after dinner, like

55:04

he would take an after dinner sip of condensed milk? This

55:07

is his sweets. So like my dad, it was

55:09

so gross, and this was his form

55:11

of sweets, the condensed milk, and then, or he

55:13

would just take a jelly, like

55:16

a jar of jelly, and just take a spoonful

55:18

of jelly,

55:18

and then put it back in. Bro, that's so

55:21

immigrant. I know! I think

55:23

I need a, can you pull up a picture of what condensed

55:26

milk is? I don't think Americans are. I'm glad I'm

55:28

not the only person. I don't know what stuff. I

55:31

don't know what stuff. Me either. So it's.

55:34

Dude

55:34

drizzle it. It's usually this Eagle Brown one. And

55:36

it's like, it tastes like it's thick

55:39

milk that's very, very sweet. And

55:42

you can put it on top of like la

55:44

lechera, that like cakes

55:47

and you know, tres leches, whatever

55:49

you put the fucking condensed milk on it.

55:51

It tastes good. It tastes good as shit. No.

55:54

By itself, taking swigs though, I don't know. So you're

55:56

saying like you put a hole in the middle

55:58

and then chug on one end and on

56:00

the other end for like an air to cycle through

56:02

so it could pour out easy. Like the physics

56:05

of it. But then just taking sips

56:07

of it like that's wild.

56:09

Like this is such a specific

56:11

immigrant behavior. I'm blown

56:13

away Hazel that you had a family member that

56:15

did this because I watched him do this and I was

56:17

like surely he's the only human on planet

56:19

Earth. That was wild. Like

56:21

there was one time where I was really stoned and I didn't have any dessert

56:24

at home and I just I was like I got jelly

56:26

and then I just like ate jelly with this spoon

56:28

for a little bit and I was like and I felt

56:31

really gross about myself. Yeah.

56:32

Because you need you can't just

56:34

eat jelly. You need jelly's good. You

56:36

just a spoonful. It's weird. It's

56:38

sad to just eat straight out of the drugs and jelly.

56:41

Yeah. Hmm. I

56:43

do a lot of gross shit. What? Who what?

56:46

Chad just agreed that it was sad. Yeah.

56:49

It's very lonely. Did

56:52

your parents eat anything nasty like

56:54

that? Like what's their treat that you're just

56:56

like, yo, they don't. This is why like

56:59

we never had dessert growing up. So

57:01

sad, which is why

57:04

I think I don't ever crave

57:06

sweets or do you please tell the audience

57:09

what sweet you were allowed to have? I was allowed

57:11

to have a McFlurry once a year.

57:16

I've OK, so Chase told

57:18

me this about two months ago. Isn't

57:20

this awful? I've been saying I think about

57:23

it once a day.

57:23

So

57:26

tell them what your strategy was. So sometimes

57:28

I would beat the system and I would have one

57:31

in December and one in January and be like,

57:33

haha,

57:34

once a year. But

57:36

then I'd have to wait a long time

57:39

for the other. That is the saddest

57:41

thing I've ever heard. Because my mom was

57:43

like so healthy. So

57:47

she like raised London and I like super

57:50

healthy. but then it like

57:52

backfires sometimes because,

57:55

you know, I'll be like, food.

57:57

Yeah, creates weirdness. But

58:01

anyways, that rule was when I was a kid. Now

58:08

I'm an adult. You can do whatever you want. I can do whatever I

58:10

want now. You can't five McFlurrys

58:12

a day. Yeah, Christina sent

58:14

me a picture of him at McFlurry the other

58:16

day and was like,

58:18

this is, I forget what you said. I

58:20

think we went to McDonald's and I was

58:22

like, look what I got, jealous.

58:27

Well now how many do you have a year? I

58:29

don't think I've had a McFlurry in

58:32

years and years and years and years. But see,

58:34

but I'm not like a,

58:36

I never crave sweets. I

58:38

crave pizza. But I think, see,

58:40

I think that maybe your parents

58:43

beat

58:44

the sweet tooth out of you, which

58:46

is not a bad thing because sugar isn't great for

58:48

you. But like, I don't even think you admit to yourself

58:50

that you might enjoy sweets. Is that a possibility?

58:54

No, because like when someone, it's

58:56

like a birthday and they bring out the cake, I'll

58:59

eat it to be polite. But I'm like, ugh.

59:01

You don't like sweets. I don't even like it. I

59:04

like, I take bites

59:07

of sweets to like look normal

59:11

to appear as if I'm normal, but I'm like, I

59:13

don't like eating it. You might be the only

59:15

human on planet earth that doesn't like sweets.

59:18

London doesn't either. Yeah, but that's because you guys

59:21

were, you were raised with an aversion

59:23

and a fear. Yeah, but if

59:25

there's pizza in front of me, I

59:27

would much rather, people are eating

59:29

dessert, I'd much rather have like four

59:32

more slices of pizza. Okay, I gotta take

59:34

a survey. Guys, do you

59:36

hate sweets too?

59:38

Let me know, 213-375-5184. Email

59:41

me where my mom's at, at gmail.com. Now, do

59:44

you hate sweets, but did your parents

59:46

also limit it? Don't just say,

59:48

oh, hey, you have to tell me, Were you raised

59:51

not able to have them as well?

59:53

And if there's a correlation, Are

59:56

you traumatized by McFlurries?

1:00:00

does the side of a one a year

1:00:03

visions of your dad beating you with a McFlurry.

1:00:06

Oh, I'm sorry to my parents that

1:00:09

they come off not looking so good

1:00:11

here. So you eat

1:00:12

a bite of sweets just

1:00:15

to look normal to like not make people

1:00:17

think I'm weird, that I don't like sweets.

1:00:21

Creme brulee, get it away from me. Yeah,

1:00:25

I don't like it. See,

1:00:29

when you were saying jelly and I was like, isn't jelly

1:00:31

good? I was pretending to be normal.

1:00:33

That's

1:00:40

what people like, right? People like

1:00:42

that. Okay. Okay. Okay.

1:00:51

All right, this one's pretty great. Okay,

1:00:58

what's the next Pizzzitzki? She's

1:01:01

like, I pretended to be normal. I'm like, yeah.

1:01:04

And then you're like, no. That's like me, like

1:01:06

Tom. Talks about

1:01:07

sports and I'm like, yeah, I love

1:01:09

basketball games. or like trying to pretend like I

1:01:11

know what he's talking about with football.

1:01:13

Oh, same. No, well, you

1:01:16

know, my dad would write me monologues for

1:01:18

sports facts and I would

1:01:20

spew them out to guys. So

1:01:23

it seemed like I was, I

1:01:26

think my whole life has been pretending to be

1:01:28

normal. Um, yeah, me too.

1:01:30

And then I would pretend that I knew

1:01:33

all these sports facts. Can you,

1:01:35

do you remember something that he had you memorize? Of course.

1:01:37

Go ahead.

1:01:38

conventional

1:01:41

wisdom. Have I said, I said this on Josh

1:01:43

Potter show. Okay. Right. Yeah. Conventional

1:01:45

wisdom would say that Michael Jordan

1:01:47

is the greatest player of all time. However,

1:01:50

I disagree. And I share this opinion

1:01:52

with many educated sports fans and

1:01:54

coaches. When I say that magic

1:01:56

Johnson is the great, oh I switched

1:01:58

it.

1:01:59

It's supposed to be.

1:02:00

of Magic John. Michael Jordan is

1:02:02

the greatest player of all time where he

1:02:04

led his team to the champions six out

1:02:06

of nine times and won five finals.

1:02:09

Wow that was really impressive

1:02:12

and did that work for you? Oh yeah. And

1:02:18

then everyone thinks like whoa like she's

1:02:21

a she's a girl and

1:02:23

no sports that well. Ugh. That's

1:02:26

so funny. And then I'd

1:02:29

just play it up. And then how did

1:02:31

that work out for you later? Like,

1:02:34

did you date people that were really into sports and eventually

1:02:36

it'd be like, look, I don't even understand what's happening. Yeah,

1:02:41

this never turned into someone I dated.

1:02:44

Again, this is just

1:02:47

the drunken. Ugh. We

1:02:50

didn't have many sober combos. Oh,

1:02:54

right. Right. Your dad taught

1:02:56

you how to get laid, basically. That's

1:02:59

cool. Man, that's fucking

1:03:01

wild.

1:03:02

They had you memorize

1:03:04

monologues. And that's just one that

1:03:06

was like, there's so many,

1:03:08

but that's the one like is ingrained in me.

1:03:11

Sports ones or just other topics? Sports

1:03:13

ones. Football, anytime the

1:03:15

Super Bowl is on the ground, Any

1:03:18

time the Super Bowl's on, I'll know my,

1:03:21

I'll tweet things. I'll

1:03:23

tweet about the Super Bowl every year as

1:03:25

if I'm a knowledgeable Super

1:03:27

Bowl

1:03:28

person. Chase underscore

1:03:31

O'Donnell on Twitter. What

1:03:33

do you say? You're like, this team

1:03:35

is incredible. Oh, the fumble.

1:03:39

Whatever

1:03:41

the name of the guy is. The

1:03:44

fumble. I don't even know what a fumble

1:03:46

is. I know. That's how stupid I am. Well, me neither.

1:03:49

Don't even care. Yeah. Don't care. I don't want to know. Gone

1:03:52

this long. Don't fucking care.

1:03:54

Don't want to know. Don't care. Wow,

1:03:58

it's amazing. And all this

1:04:01

to just gain acceptance from men that

1:04:03

essentially don't really want to be with anyway.

1:04:05

I think it's as if I'm like, I think girls that

1:04:07

skateboard are really cool. Yeah. So

1:04:10

it's kind of like just like putting

1:04:12

on this act. I'm a really cool girl. Sure.

1:04:14

Yeah. Yeah. And you know cool guy stuff.

1:04:17

I'm a cool girl. Yeah. Yeah,

1:04:19

I get that. Mm-hmm. I

1:04:21

get that. You get that? I

1:04:23

do. Yeah, I'm trying to think like I'm sure I've

1:04:26

you know done that in my life as

1:04:28

well. You're like, I know what you're talking

1:04:30

about. Trucks

1:04:33

or whatever. I'm like, I don't fucking care. Trucks.

1:04:37

Trucks. Cars, trucks. That

1:04:40

blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I find it fun

1:04:42

to like, it's almost like an acting

1:04:44

exercise. I know I'm lying,

1:04:47

but I treat it as like an exercise

1:04:49

to see like

1:04:51

how many people can like

1:04:53

think I like know what I'm talking about. Well,

1:04:58

I love that you have on when you're dating profiles

1:05:00

that you're a car mechanic. Motorcycle

1:05:02

mechanic.

1:05:05

Did you not know that? No. I'm

1:05:08

a motorcycle mechanic on Bumble and

1:05:11

all my photos are me with motorcycles.

1:05:17

I'll show you. Can I tell you something? You're

1:05:19

amazing. I would date you. I would marry you.

1:05:22

Like I feel like if I were a guy, you'd be perfect

1:05:24

for me. But see, this one has gotten

1:05:26

me in trouble

1:05:27

because the guys wanna

1:05:30

talk combustion engines and then

1:05:33

I don't know what. Well, you're strictly

1:05:35

electric, I know. Oh, that's what I need.

1:05:38

Yeah, a Tesla.

1:05:39

Okay, this is, I have

1:05:44

since put like normal, but

1:05:47

there's three. That is so funny. That's

1:05:50

me with the motorcycle. She's also

1:05:52

her with the motorcycle. I'm at the motorcycle.

1:05:55

Oh, that one's cute. matches the color of the

1:05:57

motorcycle.

1:06:00

Very cool.

1:06:02

Oh my God. You

1:06:04

guys are like, I really like your

1:06:06

motorcycle collection. They're all stoked. They're

1:06:08

so excited. And then I went on a date with a guy

1:06:10

that like, he just went on

1:06:13

and on and on and on about motorcycles and cars and like

1:06:16

how he's like just following his passion

1:06:18

and cars and everything. And this is the

1:06:21

guy that I had

1:06:23

to be like, did you just swipe right? Because

1:06:26

I'm a motorcycle mechanic. And

1:06:28

he was like, no, it's because you're blonde. Like that's that.

1:06:31

Oh God, cool. A lot of cool guys

1:06:33

out there. Cool guys. Okay,

1:06:36

this one you'll be, it's definitely in your wheelhouse. This

1:06:38

is about tea. Which you're an avid

1:06:40

tea drinker. Yes.

1:06:42

Oh, this is great. My wife

1:06:44

discovered iced tea last

1:06:46

week. We were traveling around Maui with

1:06:48

a friend who kept ordering it.

1:06:50

On the last day of our trip, she

1:06:52

inquired as to what our friend

1:06:54

kept ordering. The words, oh,

1:06:57

it's literally cold tea came

1:07:00

out of her mouth. She tried it

1:07:02

and loved it and excitedly explained

1:07:04

to the table that she loves tea, but

1:07:06

hates drinking hot beverages. We

1:07:10

all asked, well, what did you think

1:07:12

iced tea was? She thought it was some

1:07:14

type of alternative sweet beverage,

1:07:17

like juice or something. She had

1:07:19

no idea you could just

1:07:20

brew black tea and stick it in the fridge.

1:07:23

That's totally something I

1:07:25

would do. I'd be like, oh my God, that's just cold tea?

1:07:28

That's so funny. Oh,

1:07:31

I love it. All right, Paul, thank you, Paul. That's

1:07:34

so fun, Paul. So fun. Speaking

1:07:37

of fun, can you please play a

1:07:39

Pajitsky effect voicemail?

1:07:41

Hi, this is Tina Calling from San

1:07:44

Francisco. And I just

1:07:46

have two Pajitsky effects because

1:07:48

the first is I have

1:07:50

really bad dermatophilia.

1:07:53

So I pick at my fingers and toes

1:07:56

constantly. And I was

1:07:58

always kind of embarrassed with my hair. because

1:08:00

it gets really bad and

1:08:02

I had a friend actually suggest why

1:08:05

not just use hand cream so

1:08:08

I started using moisturizer and lo and behold

1:08:11

my hands are curious so

1:08:13

who would have thought I could use moisturizer?

1:08:17

I would often re-wear leggings

1:08:20

because I only had so many and I started getting yeast infections

1:08:28

and I had no idea why. So

1:08:30

I put yogurt

1:08:32

in my cooch actually trying to solve

1:08:35

that when I realized I

1:08:37

could just buy more leggings. Wow.

1:08:40

Thank you guys so much

1:08:43

for all the laughs. Love you. Uh

1:08:46

keep them high and tight and keep them coming

1:08:48

up in May. Yeah you can use

1:08:50

lotion for dry hands and you

1:08:52

can buy many leggings like they're

1:08:54

very reasonably priced. She was wearing dirty

1:08:58

leggings? Yeah, like she only get, like

1:09:00

she thought that she could only own like one pair and

1:09:02

you wear them over and over and you get infections

1:09:04

and she's like, oh, I can just buy many. Yeah,

1:09:07

that's a classic Pajitsky effect. Classic,

1:09:09

really. You know, I can own more than one. We can

1:09:11

buy more than one thing. Oh my God. And speaking

1:09:13

of I,

1:09:14

cause I'm a really bad night sweater,

1:09:17

I sweat a lot at night. I was like, oh

1:09:19

my God, dude, because I'm sweating through

1:09:21

my jammies every night, I should be

1:09:23

like buying them regularly. It's basically like

1:09:25

wearing athletic clothing to

1:09:27

bed. Yeah, so I bought

1:09:29

like a whole new set

1:09:31

and I'm like, yeah, you shouldn't keep these forever.

1:09:34

Like- Oh, yeah. Yeah,

1:09:36

pajamas are not forever clothing items.

1:09:39

And for some reason I like, I've been holding onto

1:09:41

pairs I've had since like, you know, a decade

1:09:43

or something. That's a Pajitsky effect. Fucking

1:09:45

crazy, okay. Wow, yeah, no, I

1:09:48

don't really buy that many pajamas but

1:09:50

I love to just wear a big T-shirt.

1:09:53

saying me. Yeah, it's been a long time. Okay,

1:09:56

one more Krizhevsky effect. I do love these.

1:10:00

It's Tiana from Alaska. I'm

1:10:02

calling with a pajit gift book.

1:10:06

We're a family of three and I often use

1:10:09

minute rice for dinner. And on the back

1:10:11

of the box it says for four servings use

1:10:13

two cups of rice, two cups of water.

1:10:16

So I've just been doing that and then I have this extra

1:10:19

like half cup of rice that no one wants to eat

1:10:21

and I end up throwing out.

1:10:23

I didn't realize until today it's just equal

1:10:25

parts rice and water. So I

1:10:27

can just make one and a half

1:10:29

cups of rice and

1:10:32

everyone will eat it and then we know what they're gonna grow

1:10:34

up. I'm fucking retarded. Okay,

1:10:37

yeah, we're good today. That's

1:10:39

funny. Oh my gosh. I

1:10:42

know, are you like? I would do that. Do you even have

1:10:44

the idea where you're like, I

1:10:47

want macaroni and cheese, but I don't wanna make the whole

1:10:49

box. Like you don't have to. You make

1:10:51

half the box and then you use

1:10:53

like half the orange and then

1:10:55

you put it back. Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:58

But the race. Yeah. Cause

1:11:02

I do the same thing. You

1:11:04

just throw away. Cause I didn't realize that you

1:11:06

can do the math to compute what you

1:11:08

wanna do. Right,

1:11:10

you're like, just follow directions. I gotta follow

1:11:13

this as a block. All right, let's do one more.

1:11:15

Those are so much fun.

1:11:18

Hi, Christina. I had

1:11:20

a Pajitky effect that hit me recently. So

1:11:24

when I go into the grocery store thinking I'm only

1:11:26

going to pick up a few things, I'll grab the

1:11:28

small handheld shopping basket.

1:11:31

And inevitably I remember, oh, I forgot

1:11:33

I need milk and paper towels, etc.

1:11:36

and start throwing more things than I expected

1:11:38

into the basket until it's so

1:11:40

heavy that I can actually barely lift it.

1:11:43

And I've actually pulled a muscle in my arm multiple

1:11:46

times over the years. And then here's

1:11:48

the worst part. I would decide I'm going to use the self-checkout.

1:11:51

Oh fuck that. I'm going to bring everything

1:11:53

up myself

1:11:55

and then have to carry all the bags out to my because

1:11:58

you can't take the handheld shopping basket.

1:12:00

get outside to help you. So, you know,

1:12:02

if I just use the bigger push

1:12:04

shopping card originally, none of this would have happened.

1:12:07

And I've been doing this for years. So I just

1:12:11

learned you can use the push shopping cart

1:12:13

every time, even if it's a small grocery

1:12:15

shopping. All right. So

1:12:17

saw me beat me by jeans. How

1:12:20

many fucking times have I done that? I feel like every

1:12:22

time. Every fucking time. I always grab the thing because I'm

1:12:24

like, it's just I'm

1:12:30

just getting a little bit. But here's what

1:12:32

I've discovered over the years is that even

1:12:35

just the act of carrying it, even if there

1:12:37

is one or

1:12:37

two things in it, fucking sucks. Like,

1:12:40

especially if you have a purse and

1:12:42

that stupid thing, now you're like, ugh. I'm like,

1:12:45

box, so I just, I now automatically too,

1:12:47

just get the shopping cart, even if it's like the tiny one,

1:12:49

there's like tiny versions. I like the tiny version

1:12:52

better. Seems. Yeah. Put your fucking

1:12:54

purse in there, no one's

1:12:54

gonna steal it if you're close to it. And then

1:12:57

just get on with your own. It's

1:12:59

so relatable. Also

1:13:02

what I've discovered, if

1:13:04

I do go to the grocery store, I never

1:13:07

buy bulk

1:13:08

water or bulk, Topo

1:13:11

Chico bottles or whatever the fuck. I always

1:13:14

insta card it so that I don't have to carry it. Yeah.

1:13:17

Genius. Yeah. Ugh! All

1:13:23

right. I do that too. All

1:13:25

right, we're wrapping up. I wanna close on this cat

1:13:28

video that my kids and I have just been

1:13:30

LOL-ing at

1:13:32

forever. It's so silly and

1:13:34

it's just been in my head all week. So I thought I would

1:13:36

share it with you guys. This

1:13:39

is real. This is real. This is

1:13:41

real. This is real. This is real.

1:13:43

This is real. This is real. This

1:13:45

is real. This is real. Oh my

1:13:48

god. This is talking. What's

1:13:50

it, is he saying is anyone home?

1:13:52

Oh wow. Sorry, let's play it again. This

1:13:54

is just talking. What's it, is he saying is anyone home? Oh, wow.

1:13:57

Sorry, let's play it again. Anyone

1:14:01

home? Anyone home?

1:14:04

Anyone home? That is so stupid.

1:14:12

Wait, play another animal video. I can't

1:14:14

get enough of cats talking. My mouth's just been

1:14:16

dropped. Well, there's

1:14:19

one where there's a cat that's like, Nicole!

1:14:22

Oh, with the buttons. Nicole!

1:14:26

No, it's just him talking. fine

1:14:28

cat says Nicole.

1:14:30

It's really worth it. Okay. Oh,

1:14:33

oh. Where

1:14:36

dad? What?

1:14:42

Whoops. Oh my god, all

1:14:45

right. Oops. Start

1:14:47

over. Where? Dad?

1:14:50

Dad. Is

1:14:54

that your question? What?

1:15:00

What?

1:15:01

What? What?

1:15:06

What? What?

1:15:10

What? What?

1:15:14

What? What?

1:15:19

Later. Later. Later. Later.

1:15:22

Later. Later. Lots of leaders.

1:15:26

Do you buy this so the cat can speak like

1:15:29

that? Absolutely. I

1:15:36

don't know. You guys are cat guys in the booth. But

1:15:38

you said, hold on, you're about to say there's another

1:15:40

video too. I just- Where

1:15:42

the cat- Ugh. Ahh!

1:15:45

Okay. I

1:15:54

mean I buy that one

1:15:56

I bet I definitely think they can learn that. Angry.

1:16:01

Huh? Is

1:16:07

this not the most intelligent

1:16:09

cat? Food. Press it. Press

1:16:16

it, you stupid

1:16:18

fucking cat. Dude,

1:16:23

that was crazy. If

1:16:26

she was like, do you want water? And he goes, water. And

1:16:29

then he's drinking. So that's. See, and

1:16:31

this is why I just want a dumb dog. I know. Like

1:16:33

if I have an animal that's this smart, it's just like you're going to

1:16:35

outsmart me and kill me.

1:16:36

Absolutely. Wow. This

1:16:39

cat is cat. Unless all of them say. I

1:16:41

don't buy it. Did

1:16:43

you say this cat is what? Cat.

1:16:46

Oh. Unless

1:16:48

all of them say food, water, want. I

1:16:52

mean, look, I don't

1:16:54

know, dude. I like to believe that cats can

1:16:56

understand some shit. Look, animals

1:16:58

understand food. That

1:17:01

was- And taking a shit, because you can teach a cat to shit

1:17:03

into a box. Yeah. That's pretty

1:17:05

impressive. You can teach a cat to shit into a toilet.

1:17:08

So why can't you teach a cat to push a food button?

1:17:10

I think that's totally possible. She

1:17:13

probably has like 600 videos of the cat

1:17:15

just pushing other buttons. I know. Literally. She

1:17:17

literally has them. She sits there and records her 24 hours

1:17:19

a day and she's like, oh that was great. Right. Well

1:17:22

this is why I'll- Oh my god. Oh, okay.

1:17:25

Watch this one. This one has been haunting me Okay.

1:17:27

Two weeks now I've been this this one's

1:17:29

good.

1:17:29

Mom?

1:17:34

Nicole? Nicole? Nicole?

1:17:38

Nicole? Nicole? Is her

1:17:40

name Nicole? Yes. Yes! Ahh!

1:17:45

Ahh! Ahh!

1:17:48

Nicole! Anyway,

1:17:51

my kids really love that. That's scary.

1:17:54

But I'm so impressive. Mom?

1:17:58

Nicole? Oh! Do it! Let's

1:18:00

play I like Nicole

1:18:11

Jesus you're

1:18:14

gonna teach it to say the N word Slick

1:18:25

Fuck you, cat. I think

1:18:27

he's playing these fucking games. Hahahaha!

1:18:32

Hahahaha! I heard what you said.

1:18:35

Hahahaha! You

1:18:37

think that's what the cats really sing? Hahahaha!

1:18:40

Thought I wouldn't catch them slipping. Hahahaha! Oh

1:18:42

shit. Oh no! The

1:18:44

racist ass cat. Oh no.

1:18:47

The Jews! Hahahaha! On

1:18:49

the banks! Hahahaha! The cat

1:18:51

is half black though, it looks like. There

1:18:55

you go. So it's allowed to

1:18:57

say... Mexican! Disappointed.

1:19:01

Mexican! How lazy! Like,

1:19:05

what did you say, kitty-kitty? Wow, that was...

1:19:08

That's fucking amazing. A catch.

1:19:11

People teach their birds to say crazy stuff all the time. Parents.

1:19:16

Why not teach a cat? Teach a fucking

1:19:19

cat. But parents are like...

1:19:22

It's a good idea. Could

1:19:25

you imagine how much time it would

1:19:27

take to teach a cat to say the N

1:19:29

word or. Nicole,

1:19:32

gosh.

1:19:32

Imagine if anyone heard you training it.

1:19:35

Oh, my God. Guys, I'm trying

1:19:37

to do a cool thing with my cat. A cool thing.

1:19:39

I'm just training my animal.

1:19:41

That's all this is. But

1:19:46

you know, right now, someone's doing that

1:19:48

shit. Someone in the world

1:19:50

is like, my parrot can say that. Hey

1:19:52

guys, if you have a video of a parrot saying

1:19:56

the n-word and it has to be yours

1:19:59

or maybe Yeah, go ahead and send it in. It

1:20:02

has to be there. Wheremymomsatatgmail.com,

1:20:06

two, one, three, three, seven, five, five, one, eight, four. Do you know

1:20:08

somebody that's trained their animal to say the worst

1:20:10

possible shit? If so, take

1:20:12

a video and send it in. Because

1:20:14

I know there are parents that can say a

1:20:17

lot of horrible phrases. I

1:20:19

want to say my dad even had a friend that

1:20:22

taught the bird Hungarian phrases, like bad

1:20:24

Hungarian

1:20:24

phrases, and we all get a good

1:20:26

laugh. That's fun. Yeah, that

1:20:28

is kind of fun. but I don't think it was the N word.

1:20:30

I don't think it, I think it was just like, go fuck your

1:20:32

mom,

1:20:33

Hungarian. I think cursing in English

1:20:35

is way different than four, because like no one's

1:20:37

checking for and slaying

1:20:40

insults. Yeah.

1:20:42

Annie, can we isolate that

1:20:45

clip of the cat saying Nicole and

1:20:47

play it for Tom on your mom's house and see

1:20:49

what he hears, but don't put that

1:20:52

in the word. Just the audio. Let's

1:20:54

see if everyone else hears what Annie hears,

1:20:57

because I feel like we don't. I

1:21:00

feel like that's just any- Oh, no, no. I didn't

1:21:02

hear it in words. No. Big words.

1:21:04

No, I didn't, but I heard it after. Yeah,

1:21:08

let's hear it. Listen to it now, knowing

1:21:10

what we know about this racist cat.

1:21:14

Listen and listen for the N word this time. Okay.

1:21:17

Okay. Okay. Bye

1:21:20

bye. Bye. Bye

1:21:24

bye. Nicole? Nicole?

1:21:28

Nicole? Nicole?

1:21:31

That one sounded like the N word. I'm

1:21:33

hearing some nicoles but I'm hearing some other ones too. Nicole? That

1:21:38

last one was a... Yeah, it's

1:21:40

like back and forth. It was a hard R on the last

1:21:42

one. Yeah, that's right. It's getting worse

1:21:44

and worse. Since when did Nicole end with uh? I

1:21:47

don't know that. Hm. God

1:21:51

bless the internet. All

1:21:53

right. Thank you for being here Chase. Check out

1:21:55

Chase's comedy special

1:21:58

on YouTube.

1:22:00

Please or her name is Chase O'Donnell. Follow

1:22:02

Chase on Instagram. When does it Chase

1:22:04

underscore O'Donnell? Yes. Get her

1:22:07

on the TikTok. Come see her headline

1:22:10

in Austin, May 18th, in

1:22:13

the red room at Cap City.

1:22:16

And that's it. Just love her the way I love

1:22:18

her. Thank you so much for being here, Chasey. Thank

1:22:20

you. My little baby bird. I always love

1:22:22

being here. Let's see one time if

1:22:24

the Nigerian guys answered. I

1:22:27

actually just checked, but let's check again.

1:22:29

Yeah, no. Okay. Well,

1:22:31

next time you come back. Next time I'll give you an update.

1:22:34

Please. All right. Okay.

1:22:37

This has been an awesome episode. We've had racist cats

1:22:40

and

1:22:41

sugar daddy offers. And sugar

1:22:43

daddy offers. What a great episode. This

1:22:45

is definitely a banger. Please

1:22:47

subscribe to my channel if you already have

1:22:50

not. And yeah, I got

1:22:52

to go. I'll see you next time. Stay cool, moms. Bye. Hi.

1:22:55

Okay. So after me and Christina wrapped

1:22:57

recording, I heard back from

1:22:59

my suitor and I haven't

1:23:01

opened the message yet, but this is what he

1:23:04

said. So Christina said, I said,

1:23:07

that's probably something I wouldn't do less for 10K. Can

1:23:10

you be more specific in what you're looking for? He

1:23:14

says, all it entails in you being

1:23:16

my sugar baby is just make me happy.

1:23:18

Keep my company when I'm online. Make

1:23:21

me smile, be loyal. Tell me

1:23:23

the funny things about you. sexting

1:23:25

in nudes while I'll be helping you financially

1:23:27

with weekly allowance. Heart. And

1:23:29

I can rely on you when I'm emotionally

1:23:31

down and also keep my company

1:23:34

as best friends."

1:23:36

Then he said, what's your

1:23:38

name and where are you from? Oh I just accidentally

1:23:40

hearted it. I

1:23:43

won't be responding. That's

1:23:46

clearly, this This is clearly someone

1:23:48

trying to hack me, right? Is

1:23:52

it low? I don't

1:23:54

know. I mean, he could be legitimately looking for a sugar

1:23:56

baby. I don't think so. that

1:23:58

response was. Did

1:24:02

he send a link or something? So many emojis.

1:24:07

Like, I don't think he- there was no link

1:24:09

sent actually, so. You

1:24:13

think I respond? My name and where I'm from? Oh,

1:24:15

probably not. I won't. We're done.

1:24:18

Deleted. But thanks for

1:24:20

going along that journey with me.

1:24:22

Where my moms, where my moms, where my moms at? Where

1:24:25

my moms wearing thongs and bongs at?

1:24:27

Raising kids cleaning shits need a long nap. Where

1:24:30

my moms, where my moms, where my moms at?

1:24:32

Where my moms at? Hot gas!

1:24:36

With Christina P. ["The Best

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News of the Year"] ["The

1:24:41

Best News of the Year"] ["The

1:24:43

Best News of the Year"] ["The

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