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Why because Sotva doesn't have a

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storefront. They're not paying salesmen

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and you're like, but Christina How do you buy a mattress without

1:21

trying it? Don't worry about it

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buy the mattress. They'll ship it to you

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Try for 90 days if you don't like it send

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that listen with that I'm so pumped to

1:45

introduce you to this next comedian What

1:47

you guys are gonna love her story you're gonna

1:49

love her she's just so fucking

1:51

rad She's the next big thing who's gonna be at the

1:54

Apollo. Hello. That's a huge theater

1:56

November 9th in Jew dork titties Zhao

1:58

Ying summer

1:59

Hi! I love it. I'm

2:02

so excited to be here. I'm so happy you're

2:04

here. I'm marrying you and looking

2:07

up to you and watching you since I started

2:09

comedy. You're kidding. I am serious. I started

2:11

the open max as the floppers and all over the place

2:13

and you would headline and I would just

2:16

sneak in to watch you. Listen, you've

2:18

got such a crazy story

2:20

and I want people to know it because they're going to love

2:22

you even more. Like, okay, first

2:24

of all, you're Chinese. There's like no

2:27

Chinese comedians, period. And

2:29

then a female comic on top of it

2:32

who's a mother

2:32

of two. It's just

2:34

so crazy.

2:36

I mean, English isn't even your first

2:38

language. I learned English when I

2:40

was in Kentucky, when I was 18. It was

2:42

bad. It was really bad. I still

2:44

don't speak

2:45

English, but I'm charging money for it, so I'm

2:47

being Chinese.

2:47

You guys, you've noticed she's

2:49

so popular. You have to look her up on TikTok.

2:51

You have to see how funny she is because, you

2:54

know, there's so many assumptions about Asian

2:56

women being polite and being submissive

2:59

and this and that. And not you, bitch.

3:01

I love it. I mean, if you see

3:03

an old Asian lady, you know, they are not submissive. They

3:05

will not pick you up. They

3:08

will fuck you up. Yeah, they will eat your turtle and kill

3:10

you. They will do whatever. Oh,

3:13

my God. Asian moms are brutal. They're the

3:15

worst. So, no, so I can say that because I

3:17

almost had an Asian mother-in-law. I almost married

3:19

a Taiwanese guy before a time, don't tell

3:21

him. And they're very

3:23

demanding.

3:25

They are. So your mom helps

3:27

you with your kids. She helps

3:29

me with my kids, but she also demands

3:31

my soul to pay for it. Your

3:34

soul? Yeah. What's

3:36

the most annoying thing she does? She

3:39

just keep trying to tell me that my

3:41

daughter is so much better than me when I was –

3:43

your daughter's skin is so white because in China,

3:45

they are colorless. They

3:48

think white skin is beautiful, dark skin

3:50

is not. But in America, if you are

3:52

not tan, you can't afford vacation. Right. In

3:55

China, if you are not pale, you have to work at a farm.

3:57

So it's just you don't understand. I

4:00

can't. I try to convince her, I'm beautiful in America.

4:02

My dark skin is good. Bips is good. She's

4:04

like, Americans eyes are bigger. They should see better.

4:07

It was so brutal. But she made me famous

4:09

in China because that clip of the Chinese

4:11

girls were like, my mom is the same way. They are

4:14

so abusive. So now my mom

4:16

is like, oh, 800 million views. What should I do next?

4:18

Slap you on camera? Whatever. Make me more

4:20

famous. I'll do whatever. She's just

4:23

annoying. She cannot stop

4:25

telling me that I'm not pretty. I know.

4:27

I cannot say you are not pretty. You are

4:29

the smart one. It's OK. You don't have to be pretty, too. But

4:32

I'm not ugly in America. She's like, yes, you

4:33

are.

4:37

I just don't know

4:39

why. I try to tell her I'm pretty, but she don't

4:41

she don't buy it. Never. But see, this is

4:44

and I think if you don't have immigrant parents,

4:47

Americans really cannot wrap their head

4:49

around how fucking cruel and

4:52

traumatized our parents.

4:55

Now, I'm a European, Eastern Europeans. We had communism.

4:57

You're Chinese. What part of China

5:00

are you? I went on like close to

5:02

Beijing. Do you like how I

5:04

corrected your accent? It's Hunan. It's

5:06

a very delicious food. We

5:09

have good food and we also have amazing

5:12

child labor. I really think child labor should be legal.

5:14

You know, like the kids should learn how

5:16

to work hard. You know, they have to they should make

5:18

our jewelry. Smarter fingers, you

5:20

know, little diamonds and they should work.

5:23

When they work hard, they understand they don't

5:25

they are not mad at us because they just

5:28

I think it's good for the kids to work for the kids to work.

5:30

Get them motivated. My son,

5:32

he always work like we watch

5:34

a pop a show, you know, like a car. I belong on the

5:36

mommy. That's scary. So so painful.

5:39

I said, pause the TV. I would just stop

5:41

at the Winston. I did not use a door like

5:43

a birth to you. That's what happens in the vagina. So go get

5:45

some green tea and rub my feet. You

5:47

just do that. I'm sorry, mommy. I'm like, you should. Yeah,

5:51

we should make them feel guilty about it. For sure.

5:53

All right. Because we are giving our life to them. They

5:55

feel guilty about it. They should feel guilty. And

5:57

also it's the the trauma that.

6:00

that honestly motivated me and

6:03

motivated you, I imagine, to

6:05

get the fuck out of Kentucky when you dropped

6:07

from Hunan, right? Yes, from Hunan to

6:10

Kentucky. Now how did you get to Kentucky? Well,

6:13

I wanted, so while I was a little

6:15

girl, I just really liked

6:17

to perform, but the thing is, in China,

6:19

they think I wasn't pretty and I cannot be in school

6:21

plays. For Alice in Wonderland, I

6:23

played a tree stump. Like, they would not let me do

6:25

anything. They say, you can blink. I

6:28

was like, what? Can I play

6:30

the goat, at least? No, you can't, no.

6:33

So it's just, I cannot, and I

6:35

just happen to don't believe that I'm not

6:37

pretty. I know. I know. They

6:39

want the white skinny little bleached-ass little girls

6:41

to be in the front. You can see all the

6:43

K-pop, right? Like all the K-drama. Yeah.

6:46

They are so skinny, they are so white, they are kissing them

6:48

in front, all the leading men, and then all

6:50

the dark-skinned thick bitches like me, mocking

6:52

the floor in the back, you're like, I'm here, but

6:54

you just don't show us. We are not all white

6:57

like that in Asia. They are dark-skinned

6:59

like me. And I was watching,

7:03

my cousin, she opened the video shop. She borrows

7:05

some money from my mom. My mom give her

7:07

some money, and in exchange, she babysit

7:09

me after school. I watch all the Hollywood movies. I

7:12

see Halle Berry, I see all the Tina, the 10

7:16

beautiful skinned women. I'm like, why

7:18

are they beautiful? Why am I ugly? Something wrong

7:21

with these people's standard. I'm going to America.

7:23

Good for you. I just applied for school,

7:25

met my mom, and she asked me to raise

7:27

my first year tuition in two days, which is like,

7:30

no. But I took my bicycle, and

7:32

I went to my high school classmate. I

7:34

tutored her math, and her father

7:36

is rich. I'm like, you should make me and your daughter

7:38

God's sisters, because I'm going to be so successful,

7:41

and your daughter is kind of like, a little weak, you

7:43

know? Maybe seven. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

7:45

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

7:47

He said, you know what? I know, I met your mom at a super restaurant.

7:50

You know, you're not going to go anywhere, so let's just do that. And

7:52

he did the phone choice. Why not? I'm good

7:54

for his money luck. So

7:57

I become his God's daughter. And so... Is that

7:59

true? Are you being...

9:08

That

10:00

is amazing. That's amazing. And

10:03

then, I mean, obviously you started funny. I

10:05

think comedy is something that either you're born

10:08

with or you're not, and then you

10:10

have to have the psychotic discipline

10:13

to pursue that gift. So

10:16

you have both of these things. So

10:18

what prompted you? You're in Kentucky.

10:20

Did you graduate, or were you like, f*** this? I

10:22

left the last semester because I read, I paid

10:25

the last semester and become a star.

10:29

I was saving money to go to LA.

10:32

Good for you. I was saving money to go to LA, and

10:34

I learned theater on the side, but I learned business

10:36

because I don't want to be a starving artist. I want

10:39

to have money. I love

10:41

it. So I don't want to wait table because I was waiting,

10:43

I was working nine jobs on

10:46

Craigslist, changing diapers for old ladies,

10:48

and working in all restaurants. It

10:50

was awful. But I did all the shitty

10:53

work, and then I decided to

10:55

learn business. So I went to LA 2013. I

10:59

started taking acting classes. When

11:02

I auditioned for John Singleton's TV

11:05

show Rebel, I started improvising.

11:07

He started laughing. Literally he fell off his chair.

11:10

He walked over me, over the

11:12

table. It was easy. He's

11:14

back. He walked fast. He had

11:16

his phone playing Ali Wong's baby cobra. He

11:18

said, do you know what this is? I said, what is this? He

11:20

said, this is stand-up comedy, and you should do

11:22

this. You're going to be a star.

11:25

He said, oh my god, do I have a job now? Hell

11:27

no. I'm going to say, where are

11:29

you at, honey? It

11:33

was like a black girl. She's the

11:35

lead. She's a cop. Her sidekick is a Chinese

11:37

girl who knows kung fu. It's rush hour on my

11:39

budget. It was. Yeah.

11:42

Yeah. But anyway, you've been doing stand-up

11:45

just for four years, you guys. She's

11:47

already headlining the

11:50

Apollo November 9th in New York City.

11:52

That is a major, major

11:54

gig. Do you know that I think only one other comic I've

11:57

heard of do that was Phyllis Diller?

12:28

And

14:00

after they die, you can try to do something different. But

14:02

they will never die, because the Asian moms, they will

14:04

live forever. They are waiting, we're 100

14:06

years old, they're already waiting in the morning,

14:08

and they wake up in the morning like, I want to just look at my

14:10

daughter's face and say, you are fed and ugly one more

14:13

time. And that drives them to live

14:15

forever. They won't die. They're so fucking, say

14:17

my mom was abusive to, oh, your legs are ugly,

14:20

you're ugly, you're not model, you're not pretty, and

14:22

but all that stuff, yeah, it just fuels

14:25

the comedy. It really makes you like, and

14:27

also too, I have to say, if I ever thought about

14:29

leading with my looks ever, I don't think

14:31

I would be successful. Because if you lead

14:33

with your looks, like

14:35

for instance, if you go to Instagram and some bitch posts, like some

14:37

hot girl picture, what's the first thing everyone does?

14:40

You're ugly, you're fat, you're old, but if you're just like,

14:42

look, I'm fat, I'm old, I'm ugly, then they go,

14:44

no, you're not. You're so pretty. And then

14:46

you're like, oh, thank you. You are so

14:48

gorgeous. Like, you have the

14:51

movie star face. I used to, yeah,

14:53

but anyway, okay. No, I don't think so anymore. I

14:55

think I look like my Uncle Steve. I'm aging

14:57

into a handsome, I

14:59

don't know. You're sweet. I don't

15:02

know. Bobby leave is no elocities. I can go to Bobby. The

15:04

moment I rip it off, you would think you have

15:06

Bobby here. Do you know Bobby yet? Are

15:08

you friends with Bobby? I was on the tiger belly. Yes,

15:11

it was so much fun. I'm like, if I remove my

15:13

lashes, we are the same person. I don't know

15:15

why Asian women are popular, but Asian men,

15:17

nobody want. They are Asian women with no makeup.

15:19

Can I say something? I love Asian men. I mean,

15:21

I totally, I almost married a Chinese guy. Sorry, Taiwanese,

15:25

it's very big distinction. Yeah,

15:27

they are very proud. Very proud. I love the

15:29

culture. And you know what I do love is what

15:31

you were saying about liking

15:34

money. And Chinese culture

15:36

is very, they give the red envelopes

15:39

for New Year's, right? Money. Money

15:41

is everything. It is, yes, and maybe

15:43

a little too much, right? There needs to be love

15:45

and affection and all that. That's a little harder

15:48

in that culture. But

15:50

there is something to admitting, no, prosperity

15:53

is good. Wanting things is good and you

15:55

must be comfortable. Don't poo-poo money. I

15:57

don't like the American something.

15:59

Corporate capitalism

16:00

fuck you and go to China. See

16:02

how that works out for me. I love money I'm a single

16:05

mom. Whoever is gonna rent me a check is my friend

16:11

My daughter need a sniper like she's tubby she

16:13

need to go to piano school and I you

16:15

know, I need money I don't care money. Yeah,

16:17

so I love this. I love it. I just

16:19

love you I think I think you're you're just

16:22

fat You're what comedy has fucking been looking

16:24

for for so long And

16:27

I think it took this long in like

16:29

women's evolution and whatever

16:31

cultural revolution to have you Because

16:34

you're gonna you know Ally Wong She

16:37

brought she ushered in this whole era and now

16:39

I think you're gonna usher in a whole

16:41

new dialect because you've also brought into like single

16:44

motherhood and God damn,

16:46

dude Immigrant first generation

16:48

first earnings are the other words. I'm that I can work.

16:51

Yeah I'm still proud to be this

16:53

weird me love you longtime whore and I'm

16:55

not trying to have any American

16:58

accent. I don't want you to I don't want to stay

17:00

in because I'm not gonna say it again Like I

17:02

cannot even stand outside the Melrose comedy

17:04

club. I own because everybody won't get a nails done.

17:06

It's just hard. I

17:11

Love it. I'm gonna show you a video

17:14

show her let's show her I found this tick tock a while

17:16

back This girl this girl

17:18

is telling her Asian mom. I

17:20

love you Oh, this is probably the funniest fucking

17:23

thing

17:24

if you know anything about Asian culture

17:27

You have your oh yeah

17:28

Tiger

17:30

mom and just telling her

17:33

I love you We

17:35

have never said this

17:39

Yeah, mama yeah,

17:41

hi this one call you so yeah, um, just

17:44

want to tell you I love you Oh

17:51

It's me it's me I Love

17:57

you. No, I love you

18:01

Oh my god, surprise! Surprise!

18:04

What happened? Nothing

18:06

happened. I just want to call you till I love you.

18:08

Tell you I love you.

18:10

Oh my goodness. Can I talk

18:13

to you? Can

18:16

I just not call and tell you

18:18

I love you?

18:20

Oh no, yeah, because if you are 30

18:23

years old, first time mommy is

18:25

here, like, yeah, that's so surprising. Oh.

18:30

I'm so sorry. I'm

18:32

sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

18:34

I'm sorry.

18:36

Yeah, I just wanted to call

18:38

you to tell you I love you. Okay? You're

18:40

gonna tell me you love me too or what?

18:43

No, okay, okay, okay. No. Okay, okay. Mommy's

18:46

so busy. Oh,

18:49

mommy's so busy. I

18:51

said Winston every day. Is

18:54

that your mom right there? Like, is that how she is? Mine would

18:56

be worse. Yeah. But when

18:58

she said, she's like, mom, I love you. She's like,

19:00

oh, I don't want to hear this right

19:03

now. I don't want to hear this right now. I

19:07

don't need this right now. I

19:09

don't want to hear this sugar coating, sugar

19:11

thing. I want you to do something real, like get

19:13

yourself a husband and get famous and rich and don't

19:16

say this nonsense to me and wasting

19:18

my time.

19:19

I'm making down plans right now, you know,

19:21

wasting my time. She'll be angry. She's like,

19:23

why would you say this nonsense? What do you mean? It's

19:26

meaningless. I mean, nothing. But

19:30

Asian mom cooking does slap pretty hard. Is she good dumplings? She

19:33

owns restaurants. She makes dumplings. She can cook. She

19:35

can cook. What's

19:38

her jam? What does she make? She

19:41

makes all kind of food, like dumplings and

19:43

duck, and she just makes everything. She

19:45

can cook. I like

19:47

my ex's mom used to make coke ribs. She

19:49

marinate the ribs. Oh, the ribs. It's

19:51

delicious. Coke. It's like a it's a coated.

19:54

I can't look red. Oh, my God. It's delicious. This

20:00

is sweet. Fucking best dude. Oh my god.

20:03

Let's play, I wanna play some of your clips. Let's play

20:05

some of Zhao Ying's videos. So you

20:07

guys, of

20:09

these, which one

20:10

would you want my audience to see to get familiar with

20:12

you? Cause I think that's so cool.

20:14

You have a four and a two year old. I

20:16

think it's fine, that's what Uber Karen. Cause I think

20:18

they would love Uber Karen, my character. Like

20:21

a racist Asian woman. Hey, I'm Uber

20:23

Karen, welcome to my Uber.

20:26

There's a baby. Yes, I'm taking

20:28

her to school. I thought

20:30

this was an Uber X, like you

20:32

can't bring her. Oh yeah, she has a Google school and her

20:34

father left.

20:36

Actually you're lucky, the red light here has

20:38

camera.

20:39

I can drop her off by the curb. Yeah,

20:41

there's camera. Nobody's gonna take her, there's

20:43

camera, security, America. No,

20:46

you can keep it here. So

20:48

sweet of

20:48

you. You should, don't worry, ma.

20:50

Sure.

20:51

Oh, you speak Chinese. That's

20:53

perfect.

20:55

This is a book, you know, the teacher

20:57

asked me to read for her. I don't have time,

20:59

could you just like, you can

21:01

apply and just like, get her. Hey,

21:04

cutie pie.

21:05

Don't lie, you should do it. I can't

21:08

do it

21:08

while driving.

21:21

Excuse me,

21:23

sir. I feel like your accent is

21:26

not really authentic. What's

21:29

wrong with my accent? It sounds like

21:31

a very northern and rude. Where

21:34

are you from? The

21:37

standard accent, I don't know what you're talking about.

21:40

I don't want her to sound so arrogant because

21:43

even from Beijing, they are very entitled.

21:45

I don't want my daughter to be exposed to the toxic

21:47

energy. I don't think we should speak Chinese

21:49

to her.

21:50

I

21:53

love it,

21:54

I love it. You know what's so cool about Chinese people

21:56

is like, my ex used to say this all the time, that they

21:58

don't give a fuck. Yeah. They just don't

22:00

like if you wanted to know

22:03

what you look like you just you just go to

22:05

see if your Chinese Friends

22:08

mom. They tell you yeah. Yeah. Wow.

22:10

You're fat. Don't eat. Yep. They tell you that

22:12

straight up Yeah, you look fat. You look

22:14

fat. Well and also in Japanese culture I had

22:16

some Japanese friends in college and those girls were

22:18

forever strength try to say thin thin

22:20

thin Then say tiny tiny tiny tiny

22:23

and yes, they had like masks I remember

22:25

when I went to Korea to bleach

22:27

their skin. I know I know It's so white

22:30

skin like they want to in Chinese that

22:32

we say e by to potential and if

22:34

you are a wife is gonna uncover a hundred person

22:37

of you

22:43

Meanwhile we're trying to get tan like this

22:45

we know it's so people do know

22:47

like you know, you are beautiful The way you

22:49

are is cheesy, but it is yeah, there's nothing.

22:51

Yeah, it's I agree. Just just It's

22:55

the same as hair you and I we have to be here We

22:57

want big big big curly curly

22:59

romantic because you're never gonna be curling

23:02

one It just go flat like my hair.

23:04

Yeah, so soft I know some people all

23:06

friends is big curlies make my two-ferred

23:08

girlfriends. They're like I want your hair I'm like I want

23:10

yours. I can have a knife if I kill my husband So

23:15

okay, so you've got the two kids that's crazy

23:17

and you're juggling comedy right now So does mom

23:19

stay with the kids when you're on the road? Yes, my mom.

23:21

I have a full-time nanny She helped my mom.

23:23

I just I'm there slave I make

23:25

money and all the money goes to the kids school after

23:28

my divorce I just start to

23:30

fly like coach, but I still kept

23:32

the kids in this good school My daughter got

23:34

in school. I kept her in the same school with my son.

23:36

I'm a feminist yeah, she didn't deserve that better I

23:39

thought to be like American and Are

23:43

they still doing that in China are they killing the girls?

23:46

They actually the girls even ugly ones

23:48

because of in the 90s, you know

23:50

80s all the girls are gone They only keep with the boys

23:52

now. There's like a one girl

23:55

and 20 guys. Yeah You

23:57

want this pussy gave

24:00

me 20 cards for my 20 projects because they are so

24:02

broke and 20 houses then

24:04

I can give my ugly pussy to you. And the guys were like,

24:06

they don't have a choice. They were like, fuck. I

24:08

want to be this ugly bitch is not. And

24:10

they are so expensive because you were like, there's

24:12

no women. Women are so expensive

24:15

because the ratio is off. See, and I like this

24:17

too about Chinese women and also Eastern

24:19

Europeans are similar is that

24:21

we value our pussies and we tell you

24:23

like, no, no, no, if you want entry into my

24:26

body, you got to come with something.

24:28

You bring, bring things to the table.

24:30

It's not just like, look, I'm

24:32

old. I'm a dinosaur. I don't believe

24:35

in like putting yourself on apps

24:37

and just letting any scumbag on the

24:39

street come inside of you. And you're

24:41

like, dude, what's in it for women?

24:44

Honestly, I really don't see what's in it for

24:46

us. And maybe that's my Eastern Europeanness. I

24:48

agree. My little tiny Chinese, I actually

24:51

want it. Like I want to ask you a while before I can

24:53

talk to you because my time

24:55

is valuable. You know, like I have two kids and I

24:57

just feel like I need to know if we're on the same

24:59

level. You know, I also,

25:01

I don't believe in share

25:03

the bills. No, I'm not.

25:06

I'm like, oh, my pussy's right here. Sharing

25:09

the bill. I'm just like, I hate it. I can I tell

25:11

you when my husband and I were at our brokest poorest,

25:14

he never made me split bills.

25:17

He was always like, no, no, that's a

25:19

real man. I think so.

25:21

Yeah. He's attractive. He's also like,

25:23

he's from Peru.

25:25

So he's like a real

25:28

like, like, it's a

25:31

lot like South America. Latin

25:33

flavor. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They don't, they don't let

25:35

women pay shit.

25:37

No, that's great.

25:38

What would they say in China? How do they like

25:40

if you were to date somebody, the guy has to take you

25:42

out and pay for everything. Yeah, he pays for everything.

25:45

And also like you have to buy iPhones

25:47

for my, my, my, my cousins and

25:49

my, I mean, my cousin make the iPhone,

25:51

but I have to buy it for them and I

25:53

could bring cash also. First time you meet the parents,

25:56

you can bring cash. You know, for sure. I believe

25:59

this is what I got. Yeah, what I have and also

26:01

I remember I don't

26:03

know if Chinese girls are still doing this But

26:05

they would change their names to like celebrity

26:07

names like I met a Chinese girl named Madonna

26:10

in the 90s They

26:12

would pick like crazy Names

26:15

like that. Does that so popular? Oh, yeah, they love

26:17

famous names. They just love

26:20

Britney Spears Yeah, they have Britney Spears. They have just

26:22

like they have Angelina Jolie They

26:24

have all like they wanted to name like

26:27

my name was like Catherine I want

26:29

Catherine Zeta Jones one was in college. That's a good

26:32

one. I'm at a Catherine is very ugly. I'm like,

26:34

oh my god Equals

26:38

out become no average. I'm not gonna know I can't

26:40

do this Can't you go back to my real name? So what's

26:42

the shop my biggest shock to you about

26:44

American culture when you landed

26:46

in, Kentucky?

26:48

in Kentucky I

26:50

first time in my life, I saw people

26:54

so fat they have to sit

26:56

down See my

26:58

moves and I don't understand like you

27:00

have American citizenship that I get

27:03

a job I don't feel bad for people begging

27:05

food. I can't I just don't I

27:07

just don't I think if you are a kid

27:09

you are Five you should be working and I guess

27:12

if you are sitting there asking me for money.

27:14

I don't understand I'm like you're you can move,

27:17

you know, you're gonna go you're gonna

27:19

go go to work You know, like I just don't understand

27:21

they could they are so fat. They just say

27:24

they can't drink water They drink the Coca-Cola

27:26

and they drink a broccoli cheese soup.

27:28

They just don't they can't do that the water taste nasty

27:31

I'm just like a what why why

27:33

would you do that? Why I'm so shocked cuz

27:36

I mean, yeah I mean in China, they're not eating broccoli

27:38

cheese They can't pick cheese

27:40

because no I know some color. Yeah. Yeah,

27:42

I don't understand it Well, also the food

27:45

is so salty so salty so much

27:47

sodium so much so you know, how to kill

27:49

like a wait What was it us we were

27:51

talking about the other day why Asian people don't have? Dairy,

27:54

but they had something else but they eat Cows

27:58

or is that the Hindus? Anyway Sorry, I'm

28:00

having a brain fart. I'm weaning off Alexa Pro.

28:02

I got lots of brain pops this week. They're

28:05

called brain zaps. So I like look to the

28:07

right and I'm like, my brain just restarts

28:10

every now and then.

28:11

It's been a fun week, you guys. Alala,

28:13

alala, alala, Alexa Pro.

28:15

Been weaning for a while. Are you on anything? You

28:18

on any 10 persons? I just, I

28:20

believe in nature selection. And if

28:23

I'm sad, I should be sad because I'm

28:25

not doing well in life. And if I'm not

28:27

doing well in life, I should not be happy. So I don't believe

28:29

in pills. That's

28:32

what's up. See, any. And the present pill.

28:34

I feel like I feel. I don't laugh at things I don't believe in.

28:36

I love you. You see, you are a piece of shit. You should

28:38

see what I'm giving you. You're a piece of shit. Yeah. See,

28:40

this is, this is, what your sentiment

28:43

is, and Annie and I talk about this too, is

28:46

how fucking utterly weak so many Americans

28:48

are about their health. For instance,

28:51

I, one time I was headlining Cobb's Comedy

28:54

Club in San Francisco. And I got a call

28:56

from my doctor

28:57

right before I get on the plane. And

28:59

the doctor said, oh, you have blood in your urine.

29:02

You know what I said? I got a headline

29:04

in these shows in San Francisco. I'll see you in a week.

29:06

Click. And

29:08

I got on the fucking plane and the headline shows

29:11

pissing blood. And you know what happened? Nothing.

29:14

I got better. I healed myself. I think it is

29:16

that the Eastern European bad

29:18

bitch. Also, I really believe

29:20

in, because you are so

29:22

powerful that, like a virus

29:25

can't fuck with you. You're like, I

29:27

don't give a fuck about you. You're like, oh, they

29:29

just walk away. But if like you are, not

29:32

to be racist, but I suck a little Jewish dick, I can say

29:34

if you are a Jewish lady, you'd be like, oh my God, I'm

29:36

gonna die.

29:36

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

29:38

And then you get sick, you go to the hospital. Neurotic.

29:41

And you waste all the people's money. So

29:44

what is it about, what is this? How come

29:46

the Chinese and Eastern Europeans have this

29:48

strength in us? Is it because of communism?

29:50

Because it is a code, and you have

29:52

to just like really be a bad bitch to survive

29:55

there, and the communist, is the survival,

29:57

you're starving. You're starving. Your

30:00

mom is like, you have food, shut the fuck up, you know? Like,

30:02

uh... It's so true! Yeah, you're just food

30:05

to eat. It's so true, shut up. Do

30:07

better, dummy. Yeah, do better. But this

30:09

is why immigrants come to this country. Immigrants

30:11

built this country. Because they're... Not

30:14

to say that Native Americans, not the Native

30:16

Americans, the... I mean, the people born here,

30:18

they do cool shit too. But we're

30:21

so fucking motivated, immigrants. We are.

30:23

We're just so... I'm so juiced up. I

30:25

watched my parents come to this country with

30:27

nothing, dude. And they just crushed

30:30

it. They worked their dicks off. And that's the

30:32

same thing I have too. Like, what are you fucking

30:34

pussies? You cry baby pussies. You

30:36

go, oh, COVID, two years of my life

30:39

are ruined. What the fuck are you talking about?

30:41

I... Go to India. Don't say how fucked up

30:43

India is. I know. Every year is COVID

30:45

year, though. Every day sucks in these countries.

30:48

I know. I just... I just really

30:50

want the women to just be like, uh... No

30:53

man can control you. Like, your mom isn't... I

30:55

can't control you. You do whatever the fuck it takes.

30:57

You just get... You just get so good. You

30:59

women are so good. The

31:01

things that have women coming, you're like, oh my god.

31:04

It's just not fair. I'm like, no, it's not.

31:06

You're a woman. Men are gonna get better opportunities.

31:08

But you can't be a hundred times better than a

31:10

man.

31:10

And you get what you want, bitch. So complaining.

31:13

They fire because you are slow. Chinese dragons

31:15

right here. What year are you? What's your animal? I'm a...

31:18

I'm a snake.

31:20

Yes. I just like... I really

31:22

understand, though, like the Eastern European battle. Like,

31:25

you just have to work... Just go. Go

31:27

complain. Don't complain. Don't complain. Life

31:29

is not fair. I agree. And I also think...

31:32

I know right now we're trying to equalize

31:34

everybody, right? With a pronoun. I'm

31:36

a zimzer. And then I am a disabled.

31:39

Or I have this identity and this and that. And

31:41

I understand the intent is to create equality.

31:45

Yeah. Good luck. Because the world

31:47

is never going to be equal.

31:50

There's somebody born in the right place at

31:52

the right time with the right skin color and the

31:54

right everything. Financial,

31:56

whatever, parents that were loving and supportive.

31:59

That's all. You

34:00

and I can just take over the East and the West.

34:02

We can. Fuck. We got to, let's

34:04

do this, man. Let's think about it. You are

34:06

Drew Barrymore and Carmen

34:08

Diaz combined. I'm Lucido. I'm

34:11

Lucido. I'm Lucido. I think

34:13

it's very funny. West, let's do it. I know. Let's

34:16

do it, man. We can do it. I'm telling

34:18

you with the TikTok, it's billions of people.

34:20

And the world is changing. It's going to

34:22

be a global citizenship at one point.

34:25

There won't be any colors in the 100 years. Everybody

34:27

is going to be looking like Obama. 100% so

34:30

hot. I mean, I wish Obama was so hot. Yeah,

34:32

I know. I just

34:34

don't care if he's gay. I don't care if he's such a dick. I still fuck

34:36

Obama. I don't care. I want Obama. The only

34:38

reason I don't want to go after him is because

34:40

I'm afraid of Michelle. You think she's a man? There's

34:43

a rumor that she's a transgender.

34:45

She could be. She could be. There's actual

34:48

memes that show Michelle Obama's dick

34:50

shadows. Have you seen these? Don't you

34:52

even think about editing this out? This stays. That's

34:55

hot. I can see them panicking in the booth like,

34:57

oh no. The

34:59

comments. I don't have to have a reason with

35:01

Michelle and Obama. Because

35:04

if she does have a dick, then that'll be a nice one.

35:06

That'll be a nice guy. That'll be dope, dude. One of the

35:08

pink one and the stinks. That's real black magic. Real

35:11

black magic. Dude, she's hot. Black magic

35:13

woman. She's fucking amazing, dude. She's

35:15

gorgeous. And she's just so powerful,

35:18

her energy. So powerful. Yes.

35:20

I was going to tell you, actually,

35:23

it's so funny. I was just having this talk today

35:25

with somebody before I met you. How

35:28

much of life? How much? Oh,

35:30

oh. It was about this woman's mother is

35:33

bedridden, has COPD that's

35:35

a lung, can't breathe, and couldn't

35:38

get out of bed for the last, I

35:40

don't know, year. And then some change,

35:42

big change, happened in her life. And

35:44

now she can get out of bed. She can walk

35:46

up and down the stairs. So it's not that her

35:48

health changed, but it was that her brain,

35:51

her mind. Her husband died?

35:53

Yeah. Yay! Yay!

35:55

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

35:58

Yay! Yay! Bitch!

35:59

guess it the husband was dragging

36:02

her down. Oh my god. Psychologically.

36:04

Always. They are so abusive

36:07

mentally because they are burning a frog

36:09

with warm water and then they include a temple. You don't know what's

36:11

wrong. Yeah. They drain. They can drain your

36:13

energy if they're not a good. If it's not a good

36:15

man, a good man can rob you of your

36:18

life force, of your energy, of valuable

36:21

time and energy that could be put into your

36:23

children or into your career or anything

36:25

else. Yeah. My god. They just rob you.

36:28

Wow. But I was thinking about for this show

36:30

anyway, about teaching this to my children.

36:32

I think this is the most important thing. And I

36:34

know society says, no, you gotta learn how to

36:36

read and write blah, blah, blah. Listen,

36:39

we're fucking illiterate comics. This woman

36:41

and I, I don't think English. I don't understand

36:43

what you're talking about. Actually, you

36:46

don't have to be the most beautiful. You don't have to be

36:48

the smartest. You just, I think so much

36:50

of life is the will. Oh yeah.

36:54

The mind conquers everything. The mind

36:56

is just so powerful. I just, I,

36:58

I'm always, this is a shitty garbage

37:01

bitch. Nobody wants that from the dumpster to

37:04

the little village in Beijing and

37:06

Kentucky to LA. But I just, they

37:08

think they look at me like, eh, I just, I think

37:10

I'm the fucking queen. I have the queen's comment here

37:13

because I'm going to live for 300 years old.

37:15

It's going to happen someday because I'm an Asian woman. I won't

37:17

die. They never die. Asians. Yeah.

37:20

They don't crack. After two century, I'll be like,

37:22

I'm still here. My pussy killed Bruce

37:24

Lee. You know, I am the queen. Asians

37:27

don't, they look good. So you're going to age well. You're so

37:29

lucky. Thank you. Yeah. Okay.

37:32

I love Korean people. Not all of

37:34

them, but I can make my plastic surgeon. He's the best. You

37:36

have a plastic surgeon who's Korean. Yeah. He's Korean.

37:39

They are the best. The Korean people, they have the best

37:41

in Korean girls. They do because they eat

37:43

all the goddamn kimchi. Kimchi is so

37:45

good for you. Well, don't kill your preservatives. I think

37:47

that's what it is. I think so. I think, listen, I learned how

37:49

to make Calbee this summer

37:51

on TikTok. Yeah. I learned

37:53

how to cook Asian food on TikTok. I learned

37:56

how to do the rice cakes. Oh, nice.

37:58

I fucking.

37:59

house yeah you're gonna cook for me we're gonna

38:02

make a husband I can cook I

38:04

think I could do everything I need to know how to make dumpling

38:07

I can make it I want to make I can make from like from

38:09

flour from the from the ooh I like yeah we

38:11

can make a hot dog through tone

38:13

cashier one man I want to come empty

38:16

we can use the like a little glass and just like

38:18

a step and then there's a little circle so we

38:20

can put the stuff in there and I've

38:22

seen crazy rich Asians

38:23

I remember when they're folding the dumpling

38:24

oh my god I do not

38:26

like constant ooh is that the girl who

38:28

plays yeah she's so phony baloney yeah

38:31

yeah and I hate that too do you ever have somebody

38:36

go to you try to impress you and be like tell

38:38

you you look like a celebrity but that person is not hotter than you

38:41

it is the worst I was walking on

38:43

the street it's like old friend running

38:45

to me in farmer's market in Malibu

38:47

like oh my god you look so good you look

38:49

like constant woo I just took him I

38:52

said did Lucy do die? she dies

38:55

I'm gonna kill you go away you're way

38:57

more beautiful I know I'm like no I do not look

38:59

like her she's from fucking Virginia I'm fresh

39:01

off

39:01

the boat you're gorgeous thank

39:03

you I am fresh off the boat and she's she has a fake

39:05

Asian accent I think she's

39:07

faking Asian too I agree

39:09

wait because where is she really from Virginia

39:13

she's not even like Chinese Chinese like her parent

39:15

or her parents even Chinese I think their cousins hopefully

39:19

I like that guy he's oh

39:21

he's hot he's hot where's he from is

39:23

he is he seeing a part he's half white they want

39:26

to they don't want the full chinky chinky I just

39:28

don't like I want Bruce Lee I mean I want

39:30

like a Bobby Lee to

39:32

be like a to play the guy I don't want

39:35

a half white guy I'm like I don't need that I like

39:37

full Chinese I liked I had a big crush

39:39

on Bruce Lee I like him he's so

39:41

great so hot the yeah bring up we

39:43

gotta wrap up bring up Bruce Lee look at the bod

39:46

on this guy that's what my ex look like Bruce

39:48

Lee damn so cute great cheekbones

39:51

yeah yeah that could have been my baby

39:53

daddy right there honey yeah

39:55

there he is there's my ex

39:56

from oh from college could

39:59

it

39:59

could have woulda shoulda, could have had cute

40:02

half Asian babies. But, you know, I got

40:04

my kids, I'm happy. Your kids are so beautiful.

40:06

Thank you so much. And I have my

40:09

husband, he's great too. You guys are such

40:11

a powerful couple. Very powerful. You guys

40:13

are so powerful and I can see how big his

40:15

heart is, that you let

40:17

his lady shine and

40:20

this powerhouse. Not all of

40:22

like, he's one of, you know, you guys are the biggest

40:24

comedians. And not big male

40:27

comedian can handle that. You have to have a big

40:29

heart. He has no,

40:31

he is an anti-

40:55

You're

40:58

taking hormones, like I'm telling you, because all the Asian

41:00

men, they are just naturally taller

41:02

than women. They have

41:04

long legs, they have rough pussy legs. And

41:07

when they tuck their dick, they are the, basically

41:10

they are Asian women, they're like a kind

41:12

of general legs. So they're like, oh, exotic.

41:15

Yes. So beautiful. So beautiful. They

41:17

just, they look so good. Anyway,

41:19

your mom's crazy. I think you're perfect. And

41:22

I'm so, I'm just so impressed. And

41:24

I can't wait, I just can't wait to see what

41:26

happens in your career. I think you're gonna, you're gonna

41:28

rule the world. It's total domination.

41:31

Everybody check her out. Zhao Ying Summers, find

41:33

her on TikTok, or you're on the gram, obviously.

41:36

Yeah. And then see her headline, The Apollo, and

41:38

she's going to be at Jimmy Kimmel Comedy Club in Las Vegas in November.

41:41

And then, is it laughs

41:43

plural, right? And Boston? All right. I

41:46

love you so much. Please come back

41:48

and do the show again. I would have loved you. You're

41:50

fantastic. You are amazing. Thank you so much. Let's see just a six.

41:53

I was just

41:53

gonna say that. I was just

41:54

gonna say that. I have my

41:56

sister. Until next time. Oh my God.

41:59

Stay cool,

41:59

mom. When

42:00

my mom's wearing ons and moms die, bring

42:05

the kids clean and see the long-time. When

42:07

my mom's wearing ons and moms die, when

42:10

my mom's at home dying, with

42:14

the sympathy.

42:30

You