0:01

Wind Down with Jane Kraler and Michael

0:04

Coughlin and What's

0:06

Up Gang, Happy Monday, Happy

0:09

Monday to everybody. Got Easton

0:11

and Mark in the studio, Hi

0:16

popping, popping lights, al bottles up

0:18

in their hand sanitizer, Clorox

0:21

wipes, We got it everywhere, just going

0:23

up. We're just talking off air. We're

0:25

comparing the people at lightsol like they're partying,

0:27

like it's Wolf of Wall Street over there. Just those

0:30

guys going nuts

0:32

because so serious, they're

0:34

so nervous and so anxious about this whole thing. But the

0:36

people who make hand sanitized it must be having a

0:38

party right now. Bonus, it's for everybody.

0:40

Oh yeah, everybody gets some. Oh yeah. I

0:42

honestly though, I was talking to my trainer

0:45

and her husband trains a doctor

0:48

at Vanderbilt, and he was saying, like his wife had it,

0:50

but she was totally fine.

0:53

And then you know, people don't even

0:55

realize they have it, but they do have it, and but it's

0:57

fine. But then I think what worries me is just the old

1:00

their people for sure. But

1:02

but then I saw one this morning and guy was

1:04

forty eight years old and nearly died. He

1:06

said he was like he was inches from death and I'm

1:08

forty eight years old, So I guess you just don't know how

1:10

it's going to hit you. Is that how it

1:12

is? How did you know him? How

1:14

do you know? No? No, I saw some something

1:16

on social media just pops up about they did an interview

1:18

with him. That's so scary. Yeah,

1:21

it's just I guess it just depends. But

1:24

um, well, when everyone's listening to this, we're not

1:27

there right now, but we'll be in Canada when

1:29

this comes out next week. So

1:32

um but I'm not like, I'm not too

1:34

worried about it, and I do what wipe the seats

1:37

with? You know, when we did our wind down

1:39

tour, we were wet wiping everything and which,

1:41

by the way, Easton are the dates got moved?

1:44

Did you hear? I saw that. I saw

1:46

it and I with a single tear rolled down my

1:48

cheek and then I changed my calendar

1:50

and my phone. The dates for Californian

1:53

Sacramento are being moved to May.

1:55

So yeah, so

1:57

hopefully people can still know that's a that's at

1:59

the Yeah, May thirty in Los

2:01

Angeles Saturday and May one

2:04

Sunday with a

2:06

Sacramento. I just have to double check because

2:08

you just never know, you know, and we're hoping

2:10

everything is going to be better by that is that the idea,

2:13

We're just going to keep going. Well, it

2:15

got canceled because I'm doing a movie up in

2:17

Canada, so

2:19

that's why I got rescheduled. But

2:22

yeah, I mean hopefully, I mean, are people canceling

2:25

things? So, I

2:27

mean I heard stagecoaches maybe gonna get

2:29

you rescheduled. That's done, that's

2:31

going to October. Coachella is going to October

2:35

moved Like I don't because that's that. I feel

2:37

sad for people's you know, everyone's jobs

2:39

and everyone happening. But at least

2:41

those things are getting moved. Sporting events

2:44

might be being played with like no fans,

2:46

like March madness, like college basketball, same

2:48

with a c m S. They might have no audience. That's

2:51

just the energy. Yeah.

2:53

I just wish they would do this for the flu though, I really

2:56

do. We'd be having it all the time,

2:59

like every yeah, every every October

3:01

to January. Everything. You should just be dark, dark

3:04

season, every just

3:07

off the grid, zombie land like the Apocalypse.

3:09

No more summer break, it's flu break.

3:12

What's that movie where they

3:14

go around they have like twelve hours

3:17

dawned to dusk where they can just like go around and it's

3:19

like yaking people off. What's perch

3:26

from people? Are ya?

3:30

What does that means? My words?

3:32

You know? I like to come up with a new words and piss michaelf

3:35

yea. It's like jacking, but

3:39

yeah, come off, it's

3:43

funny. How you are you?

3:45

I'm tired from that tour. I'm tired,

3:49

but I'm I'm good. I'm just getting

3:51

ready for the movie and just there's

3:53

just a lot to do before we leave. But it's

3:56

good. About a hundred and seventy

3:58

three pages to memorize A Wow,

4:01

can you tell us anything about the movie? Wow,

4:05

it's filming at the Ice Hotel in Quebec

4:07

City. That's so cool, so cool,

4:09

stet out of ice and

4:12

um, you know, it's the typical girl

4:14

meets boy, boy falls in

4:16

love with girl. Maybe girl might fall in love with

4:19

boy. I don't know. We'll

4:21

see. I

4:23

mean like a not

4:25

really but maybe maybe

4:28

a kisser too too

4:34

a PG audience. But the

4:36

one of the producers emailed me today

4:39

and she's like, hey, how are you with UM

4:42

country or how are you with UM skiing? And

4:44

I was like she's like zero to ten,

4:47

and I was like ten just because I'm want to

4:49

be excited, and you know, because I am excited.

4:52

Never skied, but I said ten. But

4:56

then I looked back at the email and she meant cross

4:58

country skiing, and I like, it's just like walking, right,

5:01

So I'm I'm saying I'm still a ten and

5:03

I'm not going to go back on it. But I did respond

5:05

and I was like, but if there's a ski lift, I'm negative

5:07

one. So if

5:09

we could just confirm there's no heights, the

5:12

ski lifts are a challenge the element.

5:15

Yeah, I mean that's what I had a

5:18

massive panic attack when I was filming an episode one

5:20

Tree Hill on a ski lift. It was awful. It's

5:22

harder on a snowboard, really,

5:25

yes, because you have only

5:27

one foot in and you have to get off and

5:29

just put your other foot on the board. Last

5:31

time we went, like a couple of years ago from my birthday

5:34

in Park City, I took some guy out getting

5:36

off, some random guy that had

5:38

to be sitting next to me. I felt so bad. That's

5:41

hilarious. Everybody exaggerates on their resumes,

5:43

you know, everyone always says they're better at things than they are,

5:45

they speak more language, and than they do they hire g

5:47

p A. It's funny to know that still even

5:50

at your situation, you've already booked the gig and you're

5:52

still lying about your personal skills. I know. Is

5:54

that's something, isn't it? Because I I

5:56

just think I want to just be so like Gung

5:58

Ho and like yeah, I'm so sighted and like

6:01

I'm a ten skier, and then I'm like, I'm

6:03

not. I've never skied before.

6:07

I'm screwed. Here's the thing with that though.

6:09

I'll actually back up jan on this because

6:12

when it comes to something like athletic

6:15

athletic or just really anything,

6:18

Janna is one of those people like

6:20

you know, we all know that guy that he's

6:22

just good at everything, right, He's just you give him

6:24

a baseball and he's throwing strikes. You're give him basketball,

6:26

he's hitting three pointers like for the first time ever.

6:29

Janna is like the same way if it's

6:31

like, hey, we're gonna do this. You see me

6:33

snowboard about a year and a half ago,

6:36

but that you're also pregnant,

6:38

so you're just kind of like standing on a board. But we

6:40

just clarify that I wasn't pregnant snowboarding.

6:42

I was like, I was, I was two days

6:44

pregnant. That was when we had a miscarriage.

6:46

Yeah, not because of snowboarding, because

6:49

I see that. I was like, let's clarify that.

6:51

But I was technically pregnant, like by

6:54

two days. But then we lost the embryo, right,

6:57

But so you you didn't really go after

6:59

it, you didn't really try. So I'm just I have

7:01

so much confidence in you doing something athletically

7:04

that I'm like, yeah, probably by the end of this movie,

7:06

she will be attend at cross country skiing. But

7:08

it isn't cross country skiing, just like walking, like

7:11

I did it when I was I think seven.

7:14

I mean, yeah, I think you'll be okay. But had you

7:17

said eight, I don't think that would have been

7:19

a big lie necessarily, and they maybe

7:21

would have had somebody there to kind of make sure you understand

7:23

how to get your boots into this better

7:25

than this. You all know Janna is all or nothing

7:28

cross country skiing the next few

7:30

days. But no, it is a very interesting point that, like,

7:32

why didn't I be more honest about my

7:35

skill level? Did

7:38

she ask your skill level? What did she

7:40

ask? How do you feel about on

7:42

a second, this is I'm going to read it to you exactly what she

7:45

said one second. Let me get my password

7:47

in three one once she

7:51

goes okay, so she says

7:54

okay. Um skiing, she

7:56

says, good afternoon. Um,

7:59

reaching to find out, on a scale of

8:01

one to ten, how comfortable you are with

8:03

cross country skiing comforts?

8:07

So are you comfortable with skiing up a slight incline?

8:10

And I was like ten, brilliant,

8:13

Yeah, I think you're okay. There, she'll be right,

8:17

we'll see. Now I have a new question answer that's

8:20

an iPhone. Yes, why

8:22

don't you use facial recognition? I

8:25

do, but my face has the headphones

8:27

on, and I don't think it. Okay,

8:29

all right, all right, I'm just curious.

8:32

But thanks dad, Why

8:35

aren't you doing this stuff? Trigger?

8:39

Trigger? Trigger? Well, because

8:42

we were a couple of weeks ago we realized

8:44

Seacrest doesn't use the face things.

8:49

Well, he was like, I don't want that stuff, like it seems

8:51

like he's paranoid that the camera's watching him or

8:53

something. I think some people are like that. It's

8:55

always watching a man. He's filmed

8:58

ol day long. Yeah,

9:01

of all people, I'm

9:04

excited I'm excited for Canada. Yeah,

9:06

I saw. I was wondering, how are you Are you pumped?

9:09

I am actually really pumped. I'm really looking

9:11

forward to. I'm looking forward to. Mike had no

9:13

desire to come to New Iberia. When

9:15

I said we're going to Quebec City, He's like, we're calming,

9:17

will calm. The whole time. It was like, let's do it.

9:21

Finds out that there's a ski left

9:23

place like twenty minutes away. Yeah, um

9:26

no, I am excited because I'm

9:28

really pumped just to get the kids out and

9:31

take them somewhere. We haven't really taken him

9:33

anywhere this year, you know, just

9:35

get him out and get him in the snow and

9:38

have some fun. Um.

9:40

I got the cutest snow pants for Jolly

9:42

and Jay. So I'm so. I just think

9:44

it's gonna be cool. You know, it's so magical

9:47

for kids, it is, and I think that's why

9:49

I'm so excited, because I'm still a big kid. So I'm

9:51

just like, well,

9:55

it's so,

9:59

I'm pumped. Fine,

10:01

Um, Well, I am excited because we have Jancy

10:03

done Um on the show today. Her

10:06

book Perfect Time title just honestly

10:09

makes me just happy inside it's

10:11

called How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

10:16

Mark. So we're going to get her on the phone, but first

10:19

let's take a break. It's

10:24

Janina from Love and Sight, a

10:26

new I Heart Radio podcast all

10:28

about the TV show Love Is Blind? Are

10:31

you addicted to Love is Blind? We

10:33

are here to satisfy all your

10:35

Love is Blind cravings and if you haven't watched

10:38

yet, join us everywhere

10:40

you listen to podcasts for everything you

10:42

need to know. Do you want to find out

10:44

how Damian and I got back together? Yep,

10:47

I'm the girl that got left at the altar. The

10:50

Love is Blind cast will join us, telling

10:52

us things they have never revealed, and

10:54

you get all the behind the scenes, all the details,

10:56

all the never seen footage, and the ultimate

10:58

question, can an experiment like

11:01

this actually work? Is love truly

11:03

blind? And I Heart Radio is

11:05

bringing you every little nugget Love

11:07

Insight available now everywhere

11:09

you listen to podcasts. Hi,

11:17

Hi, jan It's Mike and Jana. Hey.

11:20

Hello, I've listened

11:22

to every single episode, so I'm a super

11:24

fan. I hope I won't creep both of you out.

11:27

I love it, um and I love

11:30

How to Not Hate your Husband After Kids? Um?

11:33

I love that you wrote that book. That is so

11:35

awesome. Um, how

11:37

how old are your kids? Okay,

11:40

I just I just have the one.

11:43

I mean I didn't even have to like you guys,

11:45

it was just one and cheese. Now ken

11:48

and I wrote. I wrote the book

11:50

for the same reason that

11:53

you all talk about what can be painful

11:55

subjects on the podcast,

11:57

because there's so much shame

12:00

around fighting when you

12:02

first have a baby. I felt

12:04

like no one did it, and now I know, like everyone

12:06

does it. Yeah. It's so funny because

12:08

I was just talking to a friend the other day

12:11

and she was I'm

12:13

not going to name her name, but she was like, you

12:15

know, it's crazy. Their

12:17

baby is like five months old, and she's

12:19

like, I really don't like my husband. And I was like, girl, it's

12:22

just a thing. After you have kids. It's really hard,

12:24

but you guys just have to really work on your

12:26

communication. And but she's

12:28

like, but I didn't know it was going to be like that, and I'm like, yeah,

12:31

I feel like people should have it like a pamphlet on

12:33

how to not hite your kids. How did I hate

12:35

your husband after kids? And just exactly

12:37

why you wrote your book because people

12:40

don't really talk about it. No,

12:42

no, And I have friends after I wrote the book

12:44

who said, oh yeah. I didn't talk to John

12:46

for two years after the twins were born. I

12:48

was like, why why didn't you say anything to

12:50

me? I mean, you know, it's just it's

12:52

this thing where when you have a boyfriend

12:55

or a girlfriend, you kind of talk about them, maybe with

12:57

your friends a little bit, but it's a little different when

12:59

you're married. And I felt like I couldn't talk

13:01

about it with my mother, who has a

13:03

really long memory and would would remember

13:05

twenty years from now anything that I told her. So

13:08

and I just felt and I also felt embarrassed.

13:11

I thought, you know, we would get in these

13:13

fights and our pattern, um,

13:15

this may sound familiar to a lot of people, is called

13:18

pursuer distance, or where I would yell and

13:21

he would retreat, and the more I

13:23

would yell, the more he would sort of like turn

13:25

gray and crumple into a little ball

13:28

and so so, and

13:30

I would be like, can you hear me now? And I would I would

13:33

swear I'm from New Jersey. I'm very creative

13:35

with my variations of you know, dick

13:37

dick, dick head, dick bag, and

13:40

so what my daughter saw I

13:43

mean you all, I know, on another um

13:45

wind down, you were talking about being worried

13:48

about you know, oh, how much is my daughter

13:50

seen in the early days and isn't going to impact

13:52

her later? Is Joey going to be you know, will

13:55

the show up later? I'm sure you've heard

13:57

from many parents that have said they

13:59

don't remember anything, you know, before

14:01

the age of four, including the expensive Disney vacation

14:03

we took him to. But like with

14:06

with us, I started noticing Sylvie,

14:08

my daughter started changing her

14:10

personality at around age four.

14:13

Like you already through a lot of that stuff, but

14:15

with us, it was really reaching

14:18

a crescendo. And so what were

14:20

you seeing now?

14:23

She just turned for She

14:25

just turned for So she's

14:27

and you you have learned how to

14:30

disagree in like a healthy

14:32

way. And we were in

14:34

the meantime, our daughter was four, and what

14:37

started happening is You're

14:39

like, are you going to get a question in at any point? I'm

14:41

sorry, I'm like talking about this is the subject I loved

14:43

talking about. We noticed

14:45

that her personality was changing. She was this bubbly,

14:47

happily happy girl, and she started

14:49

getting kind of quiet and she started

14:51

getting a little watchful and then because

14:54

I was the one yelling, even though Tom

14:57

admits, now that's my husband. He he

15:00

was the problem with us when when we had

15:02

the baby, is that he he was this

15:04

evolved guy and he was like, oh, I'm going to help out. He

15:07

didn't. We we fell back into these really

15:09

old patterns where he didn't do

15:11

much. Like my life changed a lot and I did

15:13

most of the housework in the childcare, and his didn't change

15:15

that much. Not only that, he took up long distance

15:18

cycling the week our baby was born and training

15:20

for the New York Marathon perfect time. It

15:23

was, yeah, So he was literally like

15:25

running away and cycling away from us. And

15:27

so there was a tension. And anyway,

15:30

when when I would get upset that he

15:32

was like not doing anything and

15:34

I was doing most of the stuff. What

15:36

our daughter saw was not like

15:39

gender inequality. She's not some

15:41

feminist scholar. She saw me yelling

15:44

and him like shrinking,

15:46

and so she would jump in front of him and say, don't

15:49

yell at daddy, and I thought, oh crap.

15:52

And so that's the dynamic she saw

15:54

and we that's what prompted me to

15:56

sort of do this and to write the book and to go

15:59

through intense they're up be we do intensive

16:01

to is because I thought, oh,

16:03

I'm changing my daughter's personality. And

16:06

it makes me sort of sad now because I think, like,

16:09

gee, I wasn't even concerned that our marriage

16:11

was falling into the toilet. It was more about

16:14

we're ruining our kid. But look whatever gets

16:16

you there, you know we we

16:18

we took steps to improve after that and

16:20

how to fight fair? So

16:23

how do you not hate your husband after kids? What

16:26

are was? What are son? Like? Please give me something

16:28

tangible to hold onto? Okay?

16:32

What I Okay? Fighting in

16:34

a healthy way number one? And

16:37

you know, just one more thing about

16:39

if if your children you know, see

16:41

you disagree in a healthy way, as

16:43

you've mentioned both of you've mentioned on

16:45

the podcast, like, it is a good thing.

16:48

And I just wanted to tell you before

16:50

I go on that there was this great research

16:53

at the University of West Virginia that I think about a lot,

16:55

and they observed thirteen year olds, a bunch

16:57

of them who um were

17:00

watching their parents fight in both healthy

17:02

and unhealthy ways. And that's where

17:04

all my issues come from.

17:06

Yeah, Like and then they

17:08

went back and it was a hundred and fifty

17:10

seven teenagers when they were sixteen.

17:13

They found that those kids were more

17:15

likely, the ones that saw their parents disagree

17:18

in a healthy way, more likely

17:20

to stand up to peer pressure when offered alcohol

17:22

or drugs. So

17:25

I think about that all the time. I'm like, Okay,

17:28

now that we're disagreeing in mostly a healthy

17:31

way, this is good modeling,

17:33

behavioral modeling for her to

17:35

follow. Like, so,

17:37

so that makes me feel a little bit

17:39

better, Like if if you know, then it isn't

17:41

scary like in my family it

17:44

was like simmering tension and then explosions.

17:46

Well, that's not a healthy way to disagree, you

17:48

know. And so she sees us we use

17:50

the same therapy language that you guys used. Don't

17:52

say no, say yes, and you know,

17:55

talk about your feelings. So

17:58

the best ways that I have found to

18:00

not have that hatred. And I

18:02

really should have called the book How How to Love Your

18:05

Husband after Kids, but it wouldn't have sold as well.

18:11

Look at it like I don't have time to love him

18:13

right now. So

18:17

one is, don't expect

18:19

him to read your mind. And this was my classic

18:21

thing that I did. I really was doing

18:23

that thing that Burnet Brown calls this the story

18:26

I'm making up, which is I would make

18:28

up a story for him like ha ha, I'm sitting on

18:30

the couch when my wife's doing all the work me. You

18:32

know, he wasn't gloating, he just

18:34

didn't know. And I would do this thing where I

18:36

would hate prepare dinner and bang

18:39

pats pots around, and it was like, what Just

18:41

tell him how you feel, tell him what you need. And

18:43

so one thing is just

18:45

don't expect him to read your mind. Number

18:48

two it's fight fairly use

18:50

I describe the problem

18:53

and not the person, not you're sitting

18:55

on the couch, but I need some help, or

18:57

there's there's crap on the floor, can you pick it

18:59

up? Describe the situation. I know you

19:01

know all of this, and also describe

19:04

how you feel, because I have found someone

19:06

can't argue with how you feel. If

19:08

you say I feel depressed

19:11

that you forgot to pick up diapers, well they

19:13

can't argue with that you feel depressed. It's

19:16

kind of concrete, you know, So that sort

19:18

of heads off that like next argument.

19:21

And another thing is paraphrasing, and that I

19:23

learned from I I interviewed

19:25

a couple of FBI crisis negotiators

19:28

because I thought they would know

19:30

how to calm someone down in three minutes. They

19:32

do so. My friend Gary,

19:35

who used to run the crisis negotiation

19:37

unit of the FBI for thirty years,

19:39

he said that everyone just wants to be heard,

19:42

whether it's someone that's like holding up

19:44

a bank or a prison riot

19:46

which he had to put down. He said,

19:48

people want to be heard, so you paraphrase

19:51

what they're trying to say to you. I hear you. Guys

19:53

do it all the time on the podcast. Is like you

19:56

repeat back what the person is saying in

19:58

your own words. Has if

20:01

I felt like tom my husband was hearing me,

20:04

it immediately called me down, like

20:06

it really did, and and

20:08

so that helps. And also saying

20:11

thank you. There's this research from

20:13

the University of Georgia that

20:15

that's one of those habits that predict

20:18

whether someone will stay married for

20:20

a really long time is just saying

20:22

thank you to each other. And it can

20:24

be annoying when you're kind of in

20:26

it and you're fighting or squabbling. You don't really

20:28

necessarily want to say, like, oh,

20:30

you know, thank you for um picking

20:33

up the kid after school. But those

20:35

little thank you's make a huge difference.

20:39

I mean, I could go on and on. I learned

20:42

so much that I put into practice

20:44

every day because it is something you have to practice,

20:47

isn't it. Um. Another

20:49

one that someone told me is a

20:51

phrase that I use a lot is what does it cost

20:53

you? And that is don't

20:56

would do this thing where he would come home

20:58

from a soccer game on the week and then he would take

21:00

a shower for twenty minutes, and for some reason,

21:03

that shower annoyed the crap out of me. I would

21:05

be like, you know what I mean, I

21:07

take a military shower for what are

21:09

you doing in there? Why? But

21:11

then I thought like, but we're not giving ourselves

21:14

that time. That's what I've realized

21:16

too though. It's like, you know what, why can't I take a long

21:18

shower, Jianna,

21:20

That's exactly why, Like you default to

21:23

resentment, but you could take a

21:25

long shower too. Yeah, and that's and that's something

21:28

Mike. You say to me, why can't because

21:30

I have to do this and then the kids and whatever. He's like, that's

21:32

on you, and I'm like, you know what, I was like, crap, it

21:34

is on me. So now I take a really long showers

21:37

because he takes really long poops and I don't resent

21:39

his poops anymore because I'm taking a really long shower.

21:43

Yeah, and it's okay. And the more you

21:45

do that the better. And like even

21:47

you know, and I would I would ask myself,

21:50

what does it cost me? Like here,

21:52

I'm baking. I love to bake. My

21:54

child is fine, she's playing with legos or whatever.

21:57

It's not costing me anything. I'm just annoyed.

22:00

So I had to I have to ask myself all the

22:02

time. And you're so right about the

22:04

resentment, Like is it because you're

22:06

jealous that you you're not giving yourself

22:09

permission to do that too? Like I

22:11

would do this thing where he would go out

22:13

for a run or whatever, and I would think, oh, yeah,

22:16

nice, and I thought I could go out for a run. I

22:18

just choose not to. He's okay

22:20

with the kid, he's not going to kill the kids, okay.

22:24

But we put so much pressure on ourselves.

22:26

So that's the same thing where it's like I get resentment. I'm

22:28

like, man, I'm resentful that you can sit there and

22:30

have a twenty minute poop because I'm like, do not think

22:32

about what maybe Joelian Jason's right now

22:34

or what we have to do or the next step or maybe fully

22:37

you know, forwarding the laundry or if it's like so, then

22:39

I get resentful that maybe he's not thinking about

22:41

those things. But it's maybe not and he might

22:43

not be thinking about those things. But that's okay, that's not

22:45

how his brain works, but it's how my brain works.

22:47

And so it's like, but do I really

22:49

want him to think of things that I think? No, because then it would

22:52

just be you know, super chaotic.

22:55

We Yeah, we have a similar dynamic in

22:57

that I cannot. I have a hard time

23:00

with downtime, and I feel like I need to, like

23:02

you, I need to beat Jenna. I need to do something

23:05

productive every second of the day, which is

23:07

also it's called time contamination,

23:10

and it pertains to women only

23:12

where you get a spare twenty minutes and

23:14

instead of like sitting down in the cup

23:16

of tier doing anything that's a little seft

23:18

care, you're like, I gotta go buy you know, sports

23:21

equipment for the kids, or got to go pick up something the grocer,

23:23

Like you can't. It gives me anxiety.

23:27

It gives me anxiety witnessing that, and that's

23:29

my time is. Lunch has

23:31

become my favorite meal of the day. He puts

23:34

on his little his

23:36

his his Beats headphones, he grabs

23:38

his thing, brings his iPad. And for

23:41

the longest time, I was so resentful of your lunch

23:43

time, and I'm like, wow, a lunch time. Wouldn't

23:45

that just be so great to have my

23:48

own time for thirty five minutes,

23:50

I sit in the office, I watched whatever show I'm

23:52

watching at the moment, I eat my lunch. And the thing

23:54

is is breakfast is chaotic because you got the kids.

23:57

Dinner is usually chaotic, and I'm usually the one

23:59

cooking dinner, so we gotta feed the kids. I gotta

24:01

cook dinner and and everything. So I'm like, lunch

24:03

is my meal. I was like, this is my thirty

24:05

or forty minutes every day. Don't

24:08

bother me. And now Genna finally realizes if

24:10

she comes by the office door like window and see

24:12

that my friends on, She's like, oh, I'll come back. Yes,

24:15

I'm finally respecting it. But in the beginning at

24:17

a really hard time, because I was like, oh, he

24:19

just sits down and he doesn't even know, like

24:21

what has to happen in the house, and I just

24:24

spew all this hatred in my head. And then I was Then

24:26

I finally realized it's the same thing with the poop, Like

24:29

I am entitled to have my

24:31

long shower, and I sit in the shower now and

24:33

I'm just like, ah, this is amazing.

24:37

But I still don't drink my tea in the morning. I

24:40

can do a lot like that really is

24:42

restorative. Even if you grab ten minutes

24:44

like of just time where you're not where

24:47

your mind isn't going, it can really help

24:49

throughout your day. Right, Yeah,

24:52

Jancy, what do you see? So you

24:54

mentioned kind of some things about you know, um

24:57

asking what you need and not

24:59

allowing basically telling him

25:01

that so he doesn't have to read your mind. Is there anything

25:03

that Tom's doing that he's changed that

25:06

you've seen that's been helpful for you

25:08

and y'all's marriage.

25:11

Um, yes, that's a good question,

25:13

and you know, he

25:15

he I. There's a couple of things. One

25:18

is that he would just simply ask need

25:20

a hand, Like I wish that. We're

25:23

still at the point where I wish

25:25

he would, um just

25:28

get up and do what needs to be done. He's

25:30

not quite there yet, but he says, if I say

25:32

to you, do you need a hand? You know, tell me

25:34

what to do, and I'll do it. Does that

25:36

bother you? Though? Sorry, I don't want to interject with that, because

25:38

sometimes that bothers me that I have to ask. I

25:41

understand that it's against the mind reading thing,

25:44

but I'm like, why why? Why?

25:46

Why do I have to ask? But

25:49

if it's something right in front of your face, I just

25:51

have such a hard time being like, why can't you see that's

25:53

what I need you to do right now? And

25:56

I have the hardest time with that.

25:58

And I'm learning to be like, yes, I would

26:01

love for you to help me while I'm carrying ten

26:03

other things right now, to pick up the bag that

26:05

I'm carrying. Would love that, But

26:08

it's why is that so? But I understand

26:10

the mind reading, but I don't understand the man's

26:12

brain. Sometimes you

26:14

look through a pink lens, we look through a blue

26:17

lens. We're just different species. Is

26:20

that truly what it is? Might because I we're

26:23

not taking my sprain. I

26:25

think I think it is part of what it is. It's

26:28

because sometimes those things will be right under

26:30

my nose and my brains just not there.

26:33

Women, like you said, you guys have

26:36

that time contamination that you talk

26:38

about because your brains are just constantly going

26:40

into doing ten million things

26:42

at once. I truly think that

26:44

women should be the CEOs

26:46

and presidents of this world because we would probably be

26:49

a much more efficient uh government

26:51

and economy if that was the case. So

26:54

it's just one of those things where we're just we're simplistic

26:57

generally speaking, where it's I have one task

26:59

at hand, to do that task, Okay, onto the next

27:01

one. Where scientifically, Janna, if she had

27:03

to go do something in the office, it would take

27:05

her twenty minutes just to walk fifty ft because

27:08

she would everything she would walk by, she would have to Oh,

27:10

I gotta do this, Oh I gotta do that, I gotta do

27:12

this. On her way to

27:14

the office to do whatever it is that I said,

27:16

Hey, we got to meet the office to do this at this time, and

27:18

I still would't have Pete from that morning.

27:22

Well, what what helped Tom a lot

27:25

is when I explained the concept of behavioral

27:27

modeling, and it's it's simply that

27:30

you can say anything you want to kids, but

27:33

what they what they act on, is

27:35

what they see you do. See. So I was

27:37

doing a lot of like Gold's rule,

27:39

you know, all that like rhetoric that you do for

27:42

our daughter. But what she saw

27:45

was dad sitting on the couch. And so

27:47

I showed him some research and I said,

27:49

this is what is happening right now, is

27:51

she is forming expectations

27:54

of how her mate is going to treat her when she

27:56

grows up. So if you want her to

27:58

eventually marry some guy who sits on his

28:00

butt, then keep doing what you're doing.

28:03

He didn't like that people are just

28:05

putting myself in his shoes. I would have been right

28:07

up off the couch right,

28:10

like like you're already like picturing,

28:12

like putting your hands around the

28:14

future husband's neck, right. And so

28:17

she that worked for him

28:19

like nothing else. And again it

28:21

was because he's thinking of our child, not

28:24

like, oh, your wife needs a hand, and again

28:26

like it's kind of sad, but it

28:28

did work because he was like every

28:30

time he jumps up and helps me

28:33

with the dishes or whatever, you know, she

28:35

sees that and she forms an expectation

28:37

of what she's going to have later. That was that

28:40

was life changing for both of us. So

28:42

he and and it was almost like he was acting

28:45

in a bad community theater play

28:47

at first, like honey, do you new

28:49

do you can I cook a little dinner with you know. But

28:51

but after a while it became natural and

28:54

this is now what she thinks as her

28:56

new normal. So great. You

28:58

know, do you have any regrets

29:00

at all with anything that you've done parenting

29:02

wise that you were like, man, I wish I could go back. Is it the

29:04

not yet? Is it screaming or is

29:06

it you know, is there something that's really

29:09

You kind of think back and you're like, oh, that kind of stings

29:12

a little. Oh

29:14

god, yes, I mean our

29:17

fights got intense and I was

29:19

so naive at the time. I hadn't done any

29:22

research and I just didn't know. But you know, I write for

29:24

like Oprah magazine. You think I'd know this

29:26

crap, but I didn't. It was like, we're

29:28

damaging her and we didn't know, and we would

29:31

we would do the classic thing. We would sit and

29:33

watch we all three, you would watch Tree

29:35

George and we would fight over

29:37

her big toddler head and I would think, you

29:40

know, she doesn't know what we're doing. She has no idea,

29:42

and she did know, and like you

29:44

know, babies brains they're measured.

29:47

Um, I know you had an expert talking about this, but like

29:49

they react to. They have a stress response

29:51

to the tone of your voice. Because I was thinking, our

29:54

baby doesn't understand English. You know, we can fight,

29:56

I could, she doesn't know the word dick head, and

29:59

she was thinking I see now I

30:02

am eating up with regret because that's what we do,

30:04

right. We feel guilty and I'm thinking,

30:06

like, why did we do it? Why didn't

30:08

I treat him with respect? It's her father

30:11

and another thing that I feel guilty about. As I

30:13

was doing the classic thing where if

30:16

you thought the night before, at lunch

30:18

or breakfast the next day, I would be like

30:21

a little chilly with Tom, but

30:23

super sweet to Sylvie, my daughter, so

30:25

it would be like, yeah, okay, are you

30:27

taking her to school or what? Like what's the deal? And

30:29

then to her I would be like medius,

30:33

okay, you know well,

30:37

and I that that

30:39

really bothers me that I did that, you

30:41

know, but what can you do? Well, here's here's

30:44

the reason. Here's why I said that and asked you that

30:46

is because we all wish we could

30:48

maybe go back. I wish there was plenty of arguments

30:50

that I wish we could go back and redo

30:52

and have it in our room and not have the kids witness.

30:55

But that's just the thing where Mom's we're doing

30:57

our best and we're learning, and that's like the you

31:01

know, that's the best we can do. So yes,

31:03

and like and really they don't if

31:06

if you want to, you know, I've quitted Sylvie.

31:08

I've remember we got her tickets to the circus

31:10

in the front row. There was practice. She was practically

31:12

riding an elephant at the circus. Right.

31:15

She doesn't remember it at all. And I took at

31:17

a second mortgage to get those circus tickets,

31:19

and like every time I asked her about stuff

31:21

like this, I'm like, oh, if you don't remember like

31:23

the circus, then you maybe you don't remember

31:26

us fighting. And I just try to like give myself

31:28

a break, which is another thing, you

31:31

know, like that. That's another thing that threw

31:33

a lot of therapy. You know. I remember

31:36

when therapist said to me, when you're getting down

31:38

on yourself, how do you talk to yourself?

31:40

Like what do you call yourself? Or what do you say?

31:42

And it's that self talking. I was I

31:44

realized that not only was that not being nice, it wasn't

31:47

being nice to me. She said like, well what do you call yourself? And

31:49

again I'm from New Jersey, so I would say like, oh,

31:51

I don't know. I'll say like, oh, you shouldn't have done that, you

31:54

you stupid bitch. And she's like, well you,

31:58

uh huh, why would do that? Why

32:01

would you do that? And you know, she even

32:03

taught me this corny little thing that I do

32:05

now when I'm feeling anxious. She said,

32:07

hold your own hand, you know, remind yourself

32:10

that you're on your own side. And

32:13

you know I do that too. I try to not

32:16

not. It's hard, though, isn't it. I mean, it's

32:18

hard, don't don't you find like both

32:20

of you, it's just it's hard not to look

32:22

back. But but what can you do? And you

32:25

do a better job going forward? I you

32:27

know, it's like what Oprah says, you know better, you do better

32:29

now. I do know better since I researched all

32:32

this stuff in the book, So I do better,

32:34

you know. I have a question about another one of your

32:36

books, Jancy, the one why

32:39

is my mother getting a tattoo? And other questions

32:41

I wish I never had an answer. So was

32:43

that an actual question you had to answer? Mike,

32:47

listen to this. We're all Thanksgiving

32:51

and my mother she's um Southern.

32:53

She grew up in Alabama. She was a beauty

32:55

queen mother and bell. She was

32:58

the Azalea trail Aid

33:00

of Mobile, Alabama. And she

33:02

she wears pink table mit sweaters and she belongs

33:04

to the Garden Club. Right, so we're

33:07

all eating and she says, I have an

33:09

announcement. I'm gonna get a tattoo.

33:11

She was sixty eight at the time, So all of this, like

33:14

did this thing where the fork is in midair when we're

33:16

eating. We're like, what you just say?

33:18

And and I worked at Rolling

33:20

Stone for many years. I don't have a tattoo. And

33:22

and so she said, I want to Raven

33:25

on my wrist. She went and got.

33:27

I mean I supervised it because I'm like, oh,

33:29

well, I'll write about this if nothing else. You know,

33:31

my dad was horrified. And we

33:34

went to a big tattoo

33:36

parlor and we got she got a big

33:38

black tattoo of a raven. It's maybe

33:40

like three inches. And I

33:42

said, why a raven. She's like, I just like Ravens.

33:45

I'm not, it's not about ed grow and Poe.

33:47

I just like Ravens. I was like, all right, So

33:49

now you know she's almost

33:51

seventy eight, and she loves going

33:53

to like Target and like reaching

33:56

out with the credit cards so that people can

33:58

see that big black raven poking out of her

34:00

pink cable sweater rocking

34:04

streak that I never knew about. It's

34:06

still weird to me out a little bit, but um,

34:09

but yeah, you never know what people are gonna do, right,

34:11

Yeah, And it's I'm interested. I

34:14

was wondering, you know where that story was personal

34:16

for you, because I mean that's something Janna

34:18

and I are going to have to talk about with our

34:21

kids. And it's interesting because

34:23

we both have a lot of tattoos. I mean, I have a full

34:25

sleeve that I've been working on, and so I

34:28

know that it's inevitable the kids already noticing

34:30

them. But I already feel

34:32

myself not being a hypocrite,

34:34

really, But so I have a brother that's fourteen

34:37

years younger than me and the

34:39

same parents everything. He was just a nice little surprise

34:42

in addition to the family. He's a freshman

34:44

in college right now. He got his first

34:46

tattoo actually with Janna and

34:48

I. He came out to l a last year when he was eighteen.

34:51

He already got a second one and

34:53

even the part of me like, because

34:55

we're so far apart, I feel like another

34:58

parent almost. At the same time time,

35:00

I kind of want to be like, hey, man, like,

35:03

why don't you slow it down a little bit? You're

35:05

still young, you know. But here I am with

35:08

all tatted up, and yeah,

35:10

there's not much I can really say so, but

35:13

I'm already anticipating that

35:15

that, you know, interaction with

35:18

my children where it's just like I can't

35:20

really see anything. But I'm just gonna

35:22

try to at least push them along to wait

35:24

later on in their life so they know for sure.

35:27

My goal is to get them to twenty six. Okay,

35:33

twenty six. But when Mike, when did you

35:35

have do your very first tattoo? How old

35:37

were you? I was in college. I was probably

35:40

nineteen, okay

35:43

nineteen. That's kind of when you know

35:46

your own mind, right, I mean, looking

35:48

back, was that the right was it? Was it a

35:50

design you still like or was it a good decision?

35:52

Yeah, there's I don't have anything on me that

35:55

I necessarily regret from that standpoint, from

35:57

from the purpose or from getting

35:59

them, but it's still still

36:03

you grow, you you things change

36:05

in your life, so to get something that's

36:09

particular for one situation, especially

36:11

if it's words, it's difficult

36:13

to turn that into something else. So it's just one of those

36:15

things that reading that title of that book just kind

36:18

of brought up from me. Where you know, we

36:20

all have we're all going to be hypocrites

36:22

at some point as parents, right, we're gonna say,

36:24

hey, don't drink and tell you're this age, don't try

36:27

we eat and tell you this that you know, any of that stuff,

36:29

when really we might have done it way before that.

36:33

I still don't know how to frame it though. Have

36:36

you Have you guys talked about how you're going

36:38

to when they get older, how you're going

36:40

to do something like drinking, because again, my daughter

36:42

is going to be eleven in May, and

36:45

I don't know how much to share. I'm

36:47

now a't that like, I'm sure it seems so far

36:50

off to the two of you, right, but like we

36:53

have to get an alignment Tommy about what we're

36:55

going to share, and

36:57

I just don't know. And also, jes

36:59

you ever had any drinks or drunks

37:01

or any you were like totally clean in

37:03

high school? Right? But yes, the

37:06

only reason is I truly

37:09

believe is because my parents because well my

37:11

mom, my mom was like, you want a wine cooler?

37:14

And when I'm fifteen, and I was like sure,

37:17

like I'll have a sip of it, so I

37:19

didn't feel like I had to hide it, you

37:21

know. And when I'm at my friend's house where

37:23

my friends came over, it was a key basket

37:25

and hey, if you're going to drink, you're gonna do it here and

37:27

you're not leaving, and everyone's staying. And at that time there

37:29

wasn't any ubers or whatever, so everyone

37:32

stayed at the house, but no one was getting drunk because

37:34

it was just it was so cool with my mom, let us have a

37:36

wine cooler. So for me, in my opinion,

37:38

it's you know, I don't want them to fear

37:40

it because then they're going to hide it. I

37:43

want them. I want them to be able to be like, hey,

37:47

if you're going to have a sip, you know, do

37:49

it with me and you can try it.

37:51

But after that, like I'm not your buddy, buddy, Like we're

37:54

not gonna sit here and have a drink. You're not gonna finish

37:56

it. I'll give you a sip of it if you want to taste it,

37:58

but you have to be responsible about it too, and

38:00

will never we will never be that house

38:03

where oh we can go over to the

38:05

Carson's house and when we're sixteen

38:07

and week are on all the drink there because the parents don't care. That

38:09

ain't never happen. No, no, no, no, But I

38:12

just I still, you know, if if she

38:14

wants to try a sip, I'm gonna let her have a sip

38:16

and then I'm going to educate or like, hey, you

38:18

know, I don't you know, she's definitely not going

38:20

to have a glass of wine, you know, at

38:22

the house. But at the same time, if she isn't a senior

38:24

in high school, like I'm gonna let her have a glass of wine with

38:26

me when she's a senior, because I know they're all probably

38:29

getting they're eighteen years

38:31

old. I know it's not legal. But at

38:33

the same time, I'm like, I didn't really drink in high

38:35

school. I mean I didn't either, But you

38:37

know, if they're going to my mom,

38:39

like I had, I had a margarita with my mom and when I

38:41

was a senior year when I was senior, like my graduation

38:44

party had a margarita. Scandalous,

38:48

scandalous, But my

38:50

thing is like the vaping and stuff. But I don't

38:52

know what the kids are going to get into in

38:55

ten years. I don't know what's going

38:57

to be worse now. But right now, drugs are really

38:59

big issue in middle school, which I'm like,

39:01

middle school, I'm like, what, that's

39:04

going to be really hard because I'm just like, don't

39:06

touch it, don't do it. Don't you know that's

39:08

not it's not good. I

39:11

mean, either's drinking. But in that case, do

39:13

you think you would be so drinking? You're right,

39:15

it's so prevalent, it's in so

39:18

many different it's all over the place, you

39:20

know, with everyone. So you feel like to

39:22

remove the taboo and make it not some

39:24

secretive, alluring thing. I would

39:26

want to say, Yeah, I would. I think

39:29

what I would want to say, And again, I have ten years to or

39:31

fifty eleven, twelve years figure this out

39:33

until she gets to that fifteen sixteen range.

39:36

But I'll be like, you know, I I would ask that

39:38

you don't drink um when you're

39:40

at a friend's party, if people are

39:42

drinking, I would ask that you call me um

39:45

because I'd love to you know, no,

39:48

And also if you want me to come pick you up, because you feel

39:50

uncomfortable, and if you're wanting

39:53

to try a glass of wine, I'll give

39:55

you one sip and you're probably

39:57

gonna hate the taste of it. But because I remember

39:59

at six sean I didn't like I didn't like the taste of it. My

40:02

mom gave it to me. But I'm not gonna

40:04

I'm not gonna. I'm gonna tell her like you're not going to get in

40:06

trouble. I want you to call me if

40:09

the parties and they're drinking, but just know that

40:11

you know, I don't know, I don't know. I feel

40:13

like I'm gonna keep being a hypocrite. I have no

40:16

idea. Let's just be honest with no clue what

40:18

I'm gonna do. But I just don't want her to be scared

40:20

of it, because you're

40:22

gonna cross that bridge way before we do, so you

40:24

tell us, And honestly, I just don't want.

40:26

I'm just what I don't want to say is don't

40:28

ever touch that. Don't But again with

40:31

drugs, I'm gonna say that, don't ever touch that. So

40:33

that's why I feel like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm like, I'm

40:35

gonna say, don't ever touch drugs and

40:38

then they're going to be like terrified of it, which

40:40

is good. But then isn't

40:43

that the same thing with alcohol. I don't know, I don't

40:45

know. I

40:48

don't know what the answer. You didn't drink in high school

40:50

really either? Right? Is it because you were, you

40:53

know, an athlete and or just an interest

40:55

to you or I just always want the secrets of everybody

40:57

that didn't really do it too much? Both was

41:00

well, it was a it was a triple threat. It was

41:03

just wasn't that interested I it

41:05

was because of sports. And then also my

41:07

parents were kind

41:09

of put the fear of God into me at

41:12

the same time. But having

41:14

said that, my parents also understood

41:17

that I was a young kid and if

41:21

the off chance I did drink, call

41:24

us. We will pick you up wherever you're at. Just

41:27

don't ever drive home. So it's like

41:30

they said, very firmly, like you're not

41:32

twenty one, don't drink. But

41:34

at the side of their mouth, it's like, but call us,

41:37

call us if you need us, you

41:39

know what I mean. So, yeah,

41:42

but why weren't you interested? You said you weren't that interested.

41:44

How come it didn't hold an appeal for you? Um?

41:49

I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know.

41:51

I think it was just you see some

41:53

people who act that way, and

41:56

I just wasn't about that. I've always been

41:58

more of a kind of calm,

42:00

cool, collected type of person. Um.

42:04

So yeah, I just I don't know. I just never really

42:06

did. But let us know when

42:08

you figure out. Chancey. Um, seriously,

42:10

we appreciate you so much. You've

42:12

got some amazing books out there. Where can our listeners

42:15

um find you? Um

42:18

My, my website is just Chancey done

42:21

dot net. Somebody's parked on

42:23

calm so I have net Chancy done dot

42:25

net and you know I'm on Instagram

42:27

and so on and so forth. Okay, well

42:29

you're the best, um, and everyone go get

42:31

how to Not Hate your Husband after Kids.

42:34

Amazing title, amazing book. Appreciate

42:36

it so much, Chancey, Thanks Chancy, thanks

42:39

for having me. Bye bye.

42:50

Man. She was like, I love that she

42:52

loved the podcast. I was gonna say she was actually

42:54

a fan. That was awesome. She's actually

42:56

a fan, you know. I love during that whole conversation

42:59

how she made the point to be like, well, I didn't

43:01

want to title the book like how to Love your Husband After

43:03

Kids? Because that's boring. I

43:05

was like, yes, very good

43:07

point. You're right, no one would buy that. It's true

43:09

though the title like you really have to like really

43:11

grab you, you know, because I

43:13

probably wouldn't have bought that either. But

43:16

how not to hate your husband after kids? Perfect?

43:18

Tell me everything. No,

43:21

that was a lot of fun. I think there's a lot of good stuff

43:23

in that book, and you know, looking forward

43:25

to reading it and hopefully others do too. Yes,

43:29

I agree, we should read it together. It

43:32

is tough as a husband after kids.

43:35

You do kind of feel in the way a lot of the time.

43:37

We feel like You're like I don't feel like, um,

43:39

I want to be helping, but I don't feel like I'm helping. I

43:41

feel like I'm just causing problems. Question though

43:43

for you, because this kind of came up during a tour the

43:46

tour of this past weekend. One of the couples that came

43:48

on stage was like it,

43:51

are you asking for help? Though? Are

43:53

you? I mean, are you asking to help or no? Am

43:56

I asking to help? Or am I just trying to help?

43:59

The difference? Huh, Yeah, probably

44:01

a little of both, but asking is probably going smoother,

44:03

especially if I'm there on a weekday morning, oh

44:05

man, because they've got it down. They've got a science

44:08

and dad's around. So it's like kids getting the weekend

44:10

mode because dad's here, and so they're slower going

44:12

around and I'm in the way in the kitchen. So I's got

44:14

it. It's really that's when it's really ugly. But yes,

44:17

I should ask more rather than just try because

44:19

you don't know what is needed. Yes, I

44:22

can concur to that. Okay,

44:24

good, I think that's a I think

44:26

that's a solid note that I also learned because

44:28

it's one guy that came on stage. He

44:31

you know, he would go to work with then he'd come home and

44:33

cut the grass. Now in his mind he's

44:35

thinking, well, I'm cutting the grass, so I'm

44:37

helping her out by cutting the grass. But maybe

44:39

that's not what she really needs in that moment. Maybe

44:41

she needs help because she's been home all day with the kids or

44:44

needs a second to p by herself. So instead

44:46

of going straight out to the grass, maybe he could come in and say,

44:48

hey, how can I help you. I know you've had the kids

44:50

all day. I want to go cut the grass, but do

44:52

you need a few minutes or can I help

44:54

you do this. I don't know. I think that just goes a

44:57

long way. We've gotten better at that. We

45:00

didn't this morning, but no,

45:02

we didn't. But everyone,

45:11

I just got out in my smart food white Cheddar

45:13

popcorn and I'm ready to hear this. Tell

45:15

me more. Yeah, Easton's

45:19

rubbing his hands. Yeah.

45:24

No, we didn't handle it well this

45:26

morning. I don't know if we

45:28

we know don't. I

45:32

could have said things differently, but I did not.

45:34

I did not raise my

45:36

voice and get on my high horse.

45:39

I tried to do the safe talk process.

45:41

Men defensive,

45:45

we typically accelerate

45:49

things, can accelerate things because

45:52

of our defensiveness or temperas

45:55

or whatever. And

45:57

so yes, I could have handled myself

45:59

in a calmer manner, and

46:02

I'm still trying. Mm

46:04

hmm. I

46:07

also felt like you

46:09

were being passive. So here's the deal.

46:11

So I already answered a question. Can

46:14

I see? Yes? Okay,

46:18

So let me just lay out the scene

46:20

for you and we can

46:23

get perspective. And it's fine either

46:25

way. So last

46:28

night when we were going to bed, um,

46:31

we're kind of planning out the day and

46:34

jas has um my

46:37

gym at nine in the morning, and Jolie

46:39

usually goes to school around between

46:42

eight and thirty. I dropped off at eight. He's usually around

46:44

eight thirty, and so I was

46:46

like, okay, well, um, you know, I'll

46:49

just get the kids or I'll take Jeweler to school

46:51

in the morning and then I'll go to my gym with with Jason.

46:53

And that was just kind of like okay, not

46:55

a real big discussion, but just I did say that. So

46:58

in the morning, Um, when I got

47:00

up, I was just like Jolie.

47:03

I was like, hey, Jolie, who do you or no, I said, I didn't

47:05

say, I didn't ask her. I was like, hey, Daddy's gonna take

47:07

you to school. Mommy's going to pick you up. And then then

47:09

he says, actually,

47:12

Jolie, mommy is gonna take you to school and Dady's gonna

47:14

pick you up. And but in the because

47:17

um, that's what mommy said last night, And

47:19

then I said, do you mind taking

47:22

her? And then I can just take Jace to

47:24

um to my gym, and he was

47:27

like And how I received it

47:29

was he was like, yeah,

47:32

that's fine, but like his response

47:34

kind of made it seem like it wasn't fine. So

47:37

I already know how to astricting that

47:39

because there's something that I know I could have done better. Okay,

47:42

let me ask you that. Let me just continue within story that.

47:45

So I just felt like this really

47:48

weird energy. So as

47:50

I'm getting you know, Jace his

47:52

blueberries, I say to him

47:54

because I'm uncomfortable. In my head, I

47:56

make up that he's annoyed

47:58

that I asked him to take Joel. But in my head, I'm like,

48:00

well, last week we split duties.

48:03

You took Jolie and I took or I took Julia

48:05

school. You took Jace to my gym and I And

48:07

in my head I'm like, well, he doesn't have anything going on this

48:10

morning, so like we'll

48:12

do the same thing we did last week. So like, go,

48:14

team go. So I say, in a very

48:16

nice place, I say,

48:19

I mean, it's it's good right that you

48:21

know you're you're taking Jolia to school and I'm

48:23

taking Jason. I mean, because you know you

48:25

don't have anything else going on today. So I just figured,

48:28

you know, teamwork. Yeah, And

48:30

then I didn't get the response like ya,

48:32

team work back, So I was like, did

48:35

I do something wrong to upset you? And

48:37

he's like then he got defensive

48:39

and angry about well, yeah, like, you

48:41

know, why not Originally

48:44

in the moment is sometimes like you were

48:46

passive and I was like, wait, how was I passive?

48:48

He's like you were passive when he made

48:50

the comment about I didn't have anything to do, and I was like,

48:53

oh no. I was like, I'm sorry you took it that way, and I

48:55

kept saying I'm sorry you took it that way. I just

48:57

was uncomfortable, and that's on me.

48:59

I should have said, but I did end

49:01

up saying like, did I you know, did I do

49:04

something wrong to upset you? And he

49:06

got really upset and he still kept calling

49:08

me passive, and in my mind, I'm like, there is a difference

49:10

between passive and that was just I

49:12

was just And then I did the whole safe

49:14

talk thing that our therapist tells us to do. I

49:16

said, I'm so sorry you

49:19

felt like I was being passive. The story

49:21

I made up in my head was that you didn't want to take Jolie,

49:23

so my uncomfortable et nous made

49:25

me want to be like, well, I mean you're not doing anything, so

49:28

it's all good, right, like teamwork. And

49:30

then when you said no, then

49:32

I asked you, is everything

49:34

okay? And then clearly it wasn't

49:37

okay because you responded with like being

49:39

angry. And then it

49:41

got even worse because he kept going and I'm

49:43

like, Michael, I like again, I'm

49:45

not saying I wasn't trying to. I'm just blah

49:47

blah blah blah blah. Well you said that you were going

49:49

to take her in the morning. I'm like again, I'm

49:52

so sorry. And he just kept going.

49:54

And this is where sometimes I just want to like

49:56

like wring your neck. But then I

49:58

was like, you know what, never mind, I'll take to It's fine,

50:00

I have time. And then he picks up Joeli

50:02

and he goes, no, Jolie, no Jolie,

50:05

mommy can't take you because she can't do uh

50:08

what would you say? It was kind of crappy. I'll let you say

50:10

that one. No Jolie,

50:13

mommy can't take you because because

50:17

Daddy wants you. And oh my god,

50:20

it's not what you said. You said, no Jolie

50:22

because mommy can't like do you

50:24

know two things at one or something like that, like mommy

50:26

can't handle taking both of you. And

50:29

it was a total job, and it was there was a

50:31

job, and that was wrong with me. I was really frustrated.

50:34

Um, and it just

50:37

yes, I could have had

50:40

better control on my part for

50:43

me, like, I understand, I hear you when

50:45

you say the story I made of my head,

50:47

and I can understand your logic behind it.

50:50

It's just in that moment as soon as you after

50:52

I had already agreed like yeah, I'll take Jolie, like

50:55

it's not a big deal, and then you

50:57

had to make another comment, you know, five

51:00

ten minutes later, about well

51:02

it's okay that you take your right because you don't

51:04

have anything going on. It just felt passive,

51:07

like you're just trying to like justify

51:09

me taking her when I had already said yeah, I'll take her.

51:12

And then it was just like why is she taking

51:15

a job? It felt like a job because I was like, why else

51:17

would she be clarifying this, Why

51:19

else would you feel the need to say something other than

51:22

to be passive. Well,

51:24

I get I'm sorry you took it that way. I really just was

51:26

uncomfortable. What was the

51:28

you felt insulted by you've got nothing going on today?

51:32

I felt that there's no it's more of just

51:34

like, well that's how you got angry. We're like, yeah, what if

51:36

I did want to do something. The more I work up it was. It

51:38

was more about the fact that

51:40

that felt so passive because I already

51:42

agreed, like, yeah, I'll take her. And

51:44

then it's like to make

51:47

a comment that felt passive, especially

51:50

when you say something like, well, it's not like you have got anything

51:52

going on this morning. But

51:55

that's how I receive it when you talk about nothing going

51:57

on. Yes,

52:00

it was what you just asked, Mark, Yeah,

52:02

and I get that. I think

52:04

that, like and I think I'm guilty of this too, sometimes

52:07

where my wife would say something like that that is totally

52:09

innocuous, but I take it as a slight and

52:11

also I take it as in

52:14

my mind, if I have nothing going on that

52:16

day, I'm scheduling things in my head. Okay

52:19

today I can do this, I do this, I can do this, so

52:21

that when my wife says, you've got nothing going on today,

52:23

I'm like, is my stuff not important? She

52:26

doesn't know any of that stuff that's in my head, you know, So

52:28

like I do, I get my dander up to I get

52:30

that. I see where that's coming from.

52:32

Right, And I'm not saying either

52:34

of you is a fault in any way. I totally just I

52:36

could I would have also taken that the same

52:38

way, even though Jane, I know you didn't mean anything

52:40

by that. Yeah, I truly didn't, because I'm

52:42

like, I know when I'm being passive, but I'm

52:44

like, I can't I can keep saying

52:46

I'm sorry that you felt like I was being

52:48

passive. I just felt uncomfortable. And then I was just like

52:51

trying to be like, we're teamwork, we got this together.

52:54

And then when I still didn't feel that same excitement,

52:57

I was just like, what did I do wrong? And

52:59

then when I asked you what I did wrong? It was just like a

53:01

war. And then I was like, wait, why couldn't we communicate

53:04

from a better place? And I continue to communicate

53:06

from a good place, but you were So that's what's frustrating

53:08

from me because I'm like, why why

53:10

does it have to go? Because

53:13

I feel like lately it's been kind of like you're not communicating

53:16

from a good place when we get to that part and

53:18

I have to be the one to control my anger,

53:21

but yet you've been able to have your anger

53:23

the past few times, and it's frustrating. I

53:31

hear you. Mark

53:35

is like laughing right now. That

53:39

was a very very pregnant. Pause.

53:43

Um, yeah,

53:45

I mean I

53:49

don't really have an explanation for it.

53:51

It's I mean, people, you know, you go in waves

53:53

emotionally about things. Sometimes you you know things better

53:55

than others. But yeah,

53:58

I just it's just practice. I gotta get better consistently,

54:02

you know, talking

54:05

from a better place. Uh

54:08

huh what.

54:12

I just it's just frustrating because we've

54:15

you know, went to that couple's intensive and every instant

54:17

since then that has you've had an a

54:21

chance to you haven't

54:24

when we've gotten into that heated argument,

54:27

like you've gotten super different. So it's just it's just it's

54:30

honestly, like just being super honest.

54:32

It's starting to like really frustrate me because it's

54:34

like in my mind, I'm just like, well, this is so unfair.

54:37

I you know, I'm like keeping my you

54:39

know, doing what they're telling me to do, and then I

54:42

keep wanting you to meet me halfway

54:46

and do the same thing back. I was frustrated too, you

54:50

know, and so I just it's just been the past few times

54:52

that we've gotten to arguments, you haven't met

54:54

me there, and then that's just I'm getting frustrated for

54:59

sure. Do you any methods Mike for like

55:01

for that sort of thing. Because I've found myself

55:03

I've had to really focus because

55:06

I will lose my temper with the kids, and I really

55:08

really really wanted to stop doing that, even

55:10

though one of the kids really seems

55:13

to um have that be her goal

55:15

sometimes is for me to lose my temper. So

55:18

I really really try. And one thing I did is I

55:20

put a note in my and I'm not recommending this,

55:22

everybody is different, but I put a note in my phone and said

55:24

November six, because I lost

55:26

it on November six, and and so now

55:28

whenever I feel it's starting to rage up inside

55:31

of me, I think November six, I gotta keep that

55:33

as the date, you know. I I don't want

55:35

to start that time or over again. I've made it

55:37

this far. And then

55:39

I just breathe, and I just try not

55:41

to give a crap, which is not easy to do

55:44

when you're feeling disrespected, when you feel

55:46

like a terrible parent, when you feel like your

55:48

kids are just out of control. It's really

55:50

hard to keep that. But I really try to focus

55:52

on November six, which by the way, is

55:54

now February. Because I had to restart

55:57

the timer, I

55:59

love that though. I think that's such a

56:02

and I try to keep my manter in my head is d

56:04

GAFF. That's my mantra in my head. I keep saying d dcaf

56:07

dcaf DCAFF, which stands for it don't give an

56:09

F. And I'd really try to focus

56:12

on that. That's good for

56:15

me. It's similar in the

56:17

sense of just I

56:19

have to get out of the conversation on

56:22

the earlier end done the later. So

56:25

I think, like today, you

56:28

know. Yeah, her initially asking

56:30

me kind of caught me off guard because kind of like you Mark,

56:32

I'm in my head, I'm like, okay,

56:34

I'm I'm getting up early. I'm going

56:37

to get the kids in the morning, you

56:39

know, I told you, and I'll to get Jace, okay.

56:41

But she said she's taking them to school

56:43

in my gym. So in my head, it's like, all right,

56:46

once a thirty hits like,

56:49

I'm good, I can you know my work

56:51

out, I'm gonna start laundry. We're just on the road

56:53

for four days, like I started in my head, just

56:55

planning things I'm probably gonna do at this time. And

56:58

then so yeah, my heasit tation when she first

57:00

asked me, it's just like, yeah,

57:03

okay, sure it's

57:06

something you said, but yeah, no problem.

57:08

And then that

57:10

when she said the thing around you know,

57:12

it's not like you had anything else going on, and then

57:15

the third thing of it

57:18

does it doesn't matter? And then the third

57:20

thing of like,

57:22

what's wrong? Are you mad at me? It's like

57:25

I didn't say anything at those

57:27

previous moments, even though maybe the very

57:30

from the very first time she asked me, I had like a

57:32

small inkling inclination of a

57:34

feeling. I was like, okay, I felt

57:37

that, okay, I don't need to say

57:39

anything about this right now. Let me just like sit on

57:41

this and swall. I'm good. It's just for

57:43

those reasons. And then when the next thing came

57:46

up that felt passive, I had some more and I reacted

57:48

a little bit, but I didn't really react

57:50

react yet. And then

57:52

finally it's like she doesn't

57:54

let it go, then has to say, well, what's wrong with you?

57:56

Like did I do something? And then I'm like, I'm

57:59

trying to not react to any of this

58:02

and come back to you. In my head, I'm like, I'll come back

58:04

to you later on. But then I just she

58:07

always it seemed like she just had something else

58:09

to like pull that to be like,

58:12

tell me what's going on? And I

58:14

wasn't ready yet. But I also wasn't ready to say,

58:16

look, i'm having these feelings. I'd

58:19

really like to come to you later. I was

58:21

just like receiving them

58:24

and letting them be at that moment, and

58:26

then I just kinda once another

58:28

thing was said or put or tugged

58:30

at, I was just like, then

58:33

I got defensive. That's interesting. I

58:35

think that's interesting for anybody in a relationship. If

58:37

you're getting that energy from your partner, what's

58:40

the right thing to do. Is it to pursue it and say

58:42

what's wrong witht's talk this out? Or is it to wait

58:44

it out because it's probably stupid and it'll go away

58:46

in an hour. And I'm not sure what the right answer

58:49

is there, because even Gene will get on me because she'll

58:51

be like, Mike, just stop because I'll keep

58:53

going times

58:55

And so that's how I felt beforehand.

58:57

But then just tell me to stop, right, But that's all I'm

58:59

saying, and I'm still trying to figure it out. It's not even

59:02

it's not during it's like when

59:05

you're when you're asking what's

59:07

wrong or whatever I don't want to be like Janna

59:09

just stop and you're like, wait, I'm just asking you questions

59:12

like what, but you don't have the capacity

59:14

to say, like, I don't have I have a feeling. I just let

59:16

me work through it. I'm getting there.

59:19

It's just hard when it's like and

59:23

I think market's it depends on the relationship

59:25

really. I think you know, some

59:28

people were at the time you're

59:30

being crap, you know, like it's just the sensitivity

59:33

that day, maybe right, because there

59:35

have been times that you said something I think you've read my energy

59:38

and you haven't done anything and I've come to

59:40

you

59:40

or was

59:42

like his energy says and then I walked away

59:45

because I'm like I didn't care, but I felt like I

59:47

hurt him and somehow, So

59:49

that's why I kept kind of going

59:52

like it would we cool, like teamwork were good,

59:54

everything all right, like, and so because I

59:56

didn't want to feel like that

59:58

I like upset him or hurt him or

1:00:01

you know, or that he was mad at me because

1:00:03

I asked him to take Joli instead.

1:00:06

Right, interesting, So

1:00:08

it's just one of those things I think, at least for

1:00:10

our relationship to keep in mind where it's

1:00:14

you know, you start to learn your partner enough

1:00:16

to kind of you feel their their energy.

1:00:19

If you start to pull on that string too much,

1:00:22

it you'll cause a bigger

1:00:24

issue than there actually is. I mean, I

1:00:26

think next time, you know. Obviously,

1:00:29

the most ideal thing I could have done is,

1:00:31

hey, I know you. I know I said

1:00:34

last night that I would take Jolie, but do you

1:00:36

mind taking And

1:00:38

you know I said that, but not in

1:00:40

that long form. I said it like, hey, do you mind

1:00:42

taking Jolie? But I think if I acknowledge,

1:00:45

like, hey, I said this, but do you mind,

1:00:47

like did you have anything else planned? Like to

1:00:49

be conscious of what he said? And

1:00:51

so if in a perfect world I could have said that,

1:00:54

but I still don't think it needed

1:00:56

the like I didn't deserve the like no, And in

1:00:58

the perfect world, I could have said, hey,

1:01:02

uh, I'm having these feelings come up after

1:01:04

you ask me to take Jolie. You

1:01:07

know it's not really anything, which also in this moment

1:01:09

though, I'll be fearful of because I

1:01:11

feel like that would validate your fear of you

1:01:15

bothering me with asking me to take Jolie. Would

1:01:17

you know? I never care, That's the thing. I never

1:01:19

care we split those duties.

1:01:22

Yeah, I never care if I have

1:01:24

both kids. I never care if I have one kid. I never

1:01:26

have Like, I never complained

1:01:28

about that. I

1:01:31

think you can even back me up on that. I never

1:01:34

complain about having the kids

1:01:36

won both whatever, I just do

1:01:38

it. So

1:01:40

I think, you know, it would have been hard in this

1:01:42

moment, in this morning to navigate it

1:01:44

a little bit better. But it's a learning thing and it's one

1:01:47

of those things. It's like, all right, this happened. Ultimately,

1:01:50

I am sorry for escalating it more than it had to be

1:01:52

for sure, but uh,

1:01:54

I mean that's part of our work and my work.

1:01:57

M hm boom

1:02:01

boom, wind down.

1:02:07

Well this is this is this. I think this

1:02:09

is good. I think that I need a minute might be

1:02:11

something in the future, although I'm not sure.

1:02:13

Sometimes you say I need a minute, that just creates

1:02:15

more questions. But

1:02:18

um, but that might be something to try. I

1:02:21

think I might try it myself. I do that

1:02:23

I need a minute. I know that I'm a I'm a very

1:02:25

cool, calm collected guy, but I

1:02:28

can lose my temp uh

1:02:31

there. You know, there's there's there's times

1:02:34

where, uh my wife will

1:02:36

asked me to do you know, I was thinking

1:02:38

about the like, if you had nothing going on today,

1:02:40

uh something my wife will do sometimes

1:02:42

that She'll be like, hey, could you would you mind

1:02:45

taking out the garbage? And I said yes, and then

1:02:47

she goes so that our house doesn't just fill up with garbage

1:02:49

and become a complete garbage And

1:02:53

then I I interpret that is you're

1:02:55

a You're a filthy animal person. It

1:02:57

doesn't know how to do anything unless I tell you

1:03:00

you. But she was just I mean, you

1:03:02

know, she just says that stuff and I

1:03:04

try not to react, but sometimes I have

1:03:06

to go. I've been awake

1:03:08

for many hours, I'm very tired. I might not react

1:03:10

to the way a normal human should. So

1:03:14

I'm going to take a minute on this and

1:03:16

take out the garbage and everything will be fine. And

1:03:19

uh and yeah, everything, everything's good.

1:03:21

My wife is very happy at home. Well

1:03:24

you can just tell it next time, Alison. You're really ruining

1:03:26

my plans of creating this place as

1:03:28

a dump and now this is messing

1:03:31

it all up. So thanks. I have design

1:03:33

plans for this house too. It gets shot down all the time,

1:03:36

trash everywhere. Sorry, that's an investment

1:03:38

that garbage can tip

1:03:40

of the day. Take a minute,

1:03:43

guys. I don't know if I'm going to be

1:03:45

on the next episode, but either way,

1:03:48

Mike has a very special guest. I'm

1:03:51

gonna hopefully be in it, but I would

1:03:54

be filming. So it'll be a dad day.

1:03:57

Wow, because we had mom January

1:03:59

and then to be you know, we have a dad day in March. You

1:04:03

get a day. It

1:04:05

sounds about right. But hopefully I'll be able to

1:04:08

like say something. I think we're

1:04:11

taking our gear with us, so maybe we can just do a little

1:04:13

pre interview. You can with me if

1:04:15

you want, if you know, it's just

1:04:17

like when we get nine months, you know, to do their

1:04:19

thing and Dad's if we get sick, we get like two

1:04:21

hours. I don't want to talk about

1:04:24

it, Okay,

1:04:26

I don't want to talk about it, all right. I love you guys,

1:04:29

See you later.