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responsibly. What I wish you

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did your fans. Welcome back to the show is your first time

1:39

joining the show. Welcome to the show.

1:41

Man, we got a good one for you today like Man Steve Harvey

1:43

Dunn say. It's Nick Swartzin.

1:46

Nicky Swartzin. He's telling jokes

1:48

from his face. He's on tour right now, and I'm done

1:50

with my tour as of

1:52

tomorrow. Tomorrow, Denver,

1:54

Colorado. I'm taping my special two

1:56

shows seven to nine thirty, At the Paramount

1:58

Theatre, Denver, I'm so happy to be shooting my special

2:01

in your city. I love Colorado so

2:03

much. It's a second home to me. Denver,

2:05

come out and see me andressantina dot com. Come

2:07

see me take my special tomorrow night, andrew

2:09

santino dot com,

2:11

enough rambling from me. Let's go

2:13

to the episode. In here,

2:16

we poor. Whisk.

2:16

Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk.

2:20

You're that creature in the ginger beer.

2:22

Sturdy. Yes. Binger. Like that.

2:25

The Ninja Genius. Instages are

2:27

pugels. You only five dollars

2:29

for the whiskey for seventy five dollars

2:31

for the whole ginger out here now. This

2:33

was confused. Tanger.

2:36

I like tenders.

2:39

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to which YouTube I guess today is one of my

2:41

favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guess what I mean once

2:43

again. Today, it is

2:45

Nick. So Worten. What?

2:47

Where is he? Where is he? Oh,

2:49

he's right there. Okay. Let me just start off

2:51

by saying, I don't get political.

2:54

I don't talk politics. Not typically. No.

2:56

That's not what I'm about, but I finally,

2:58

I'm at a breaking point where

3:00

I want to endorse vehicles.

3:05

Moose caught a ninety eight. That's

3:09

dude, honestly, go go Viking's way

3:11

to go. way to go. People you

3:14

good job beating the packers, dude. Yeah, man.

3:16

As you're very you're very exciting. You're

3:18

very proud yourself aren't you? I'm very proud of myself,

3:20

and it was a perfect timing because I

3:22

just started my first leg of the tour, so I wanna give a

3:24

shout out to Grand Rapids, Detroit, Indianapolis

3:27

and Pittsburgh Phenomenal Phenomenal. Thank

3:29

you for coming to shows. But I got

3:32

I watched the game just

3:34

as my show started. Mhmm.

3:36

So the Steelers are just won and over time.

3:39

And then the Vikings are just won. So

3:41

I went on stage with

3:43

so much energy that

3:45

I felt like the crowd is

3:47

kind of like, oh, you feel

3:49

like it was just Like, I I it

3:51

was just a fucking like so

3:54

I'm sure they're like, oh, he just stayed a and

3:56

size and ate all the sides of pumpkin before

3:59

he came on stage. But no, I was just so

4:01

fired up. So it's such a big win. Well,

4:03

she could start the season. Congrats. Also,

4:06

you know, my bears one

4:08

in week one, which is huge for me. No.

4:10

I was the the

4:12

bears lions and Vikings all won. I

4:14

know that's crazy. Look at us. Who are we? What are

4:16

we doing? Just end the season. By the way, this

4:18

episode will come out next week after

4:20

this this upcoming week's game that we

4:22

both end up losing and are

4:24

sad about. But for right now, Yeah. Right

4:26

now, we're totally happy. We don't know how that's

4:28

gonna happen. What did you play in Grand Rapids

4:30

at DGLC Live? Is that what it

4:32

is? Yeah. I played twenty Monroe.

4:34

Twinman Road. Yeah. That's GLC. That's GLC Live. Yeah.

4:37

Yeah. It was great. I like that because it's like in the

4:39

basement of a hotel. Yeah. It's like a

4:41

it's a it's like a huge theater in a fucking

4:43

hotel. Yeah. It was really nice. And

4:45

the green room is nice too. The green room is great.

4:47

And then the next is the bob. Oh,

4:49

yeah. The bob. So if you don't know what the

4:51

bob is, which you probably don't, Once

4:53

you live there, it's a complex that's

4:55

like, you know what I mean? They build bars and that

4:57

they just make it into like a fort.

5:00

Mhmm. It's not even like a bar.

5:02

It's just eight levels, and

5:04

there's, like, forty bars in it. So

5:06

cool. And in the Midwest, that's just danger,

5:08

Will Robbins. Well, that's who we really are. I just

5:10

got back from Chicago. That you just you

5:12

remember how much people can drink in the

5:14

Midwest. It's it's fucking

5:17

mind blowing, going home,

5:19

and then it's totally

5:21

normal to have a couple of beers,

5:23

you know, in the morning

5:25

ish. Right? With the cereal. Yeah. And

5:27

then have more of the beer in your cereal. roasted

5:30

flakes and then have, like, thirteen

5:32

beers at lunch or dinner and just drink through

5:34

the night until you go till you go

5:36

to bed. I mean, it's like that's the that is a very

5:38

normal way to live and drink in the Midwest.

5:40

Yeah. That's what's really funny because when at the

5:43

peak of my drinking, I

5:45

remember people would be like, they were looking me

5:47

like horrified. They're like, how can you

5:49

how can you just keep drinking like that? I'm like, I'm

5:51

from Minnesota. And then most of the time, you're

5:53

like, oh, like, then

5:55

it would just exfoliates everything. Oh.

5:57

Right. Do you think do you think Midwest drinks

5:59

more than Florida? Do you think Florida drinks more than I

6:01

think Midwest drinks weren't anybody. Really?

6:04

I would put because you know Florida is not

6:06

Go in the comments on this. I

6:08

would put Minnesota Wisconsin

6:10

begrudgingly. Yeah. Does

6:13

Chicago, Illinois, Michigan?

6:15

I'll throw in Iowa. I'm not gonna leave you

6:17

guys down. I would But I would say pound

6:19

for pound. I mean, it's fucking

6:21

insane. Yeah. It's absurd. It's

6:24

absurd. Who who thinks they make the list, but

6:26

they don't make the list at all? com

6:30

Like Saint Louis. Saint Louis,

6:32

I I would be I I would be scared of

6:34

them to drink with them. Really?

6:36

Yeah. I would say Narnia. the

6:39

people of Narnia. Yeah. They're wild creatures.

6:41

They kinda talk a lot, but they're

6:43

one of the things that can handle it. Have you had

6:45

one of those moments where someone's like, I wanna drink I can

6:47

drink you wanna a table -- Yeah. Totally. --

6:49

and you ruin it. I'm

6:51

like, fuckin' chicken, raiders

6:53

of the lost art. She's in that,

6:55

like, time Drew. Kevin, she's

6:58

just sitting there. That's me.

7:00

Fucking just crushing my labia. No

7:02

one's even come close. Okay.

7:04

I'm gonna say this for sure

7:06

UFC fighters. In my experience,

7:08

which is a lot, I've drank with

7:10

them, and it's not enjoyable

7:12

because they get to a point where then they

7:14

kind of wanna start doing

7:16

moves. So Oh, more.

7:19

Yeah. So this happened several times. This

7:21

is one story. A friend of

7:23

mine is UFC fighter. I'm not gonna say who it is. And

7:25

I was in Hawaii and I was

7:27

doing shows and I was fucking on it. I was

7:29

just going out partying and I

7:31

came a week early -- Mhmm. -- drinking

7:33

and then I'm like, hey, let's drink. And he

7:35

goes, no. I'm not drinking right now. And his girlfriend's

7:38

like, yeah. He's not. And I go,

7:40

come on, dad. Like being a dickhead.

7:42

So he's like, no. And so every

7:44

night, me and my buddies would get

7:46

drunk, and he wouldn't, every

7:48

night, and I would have barbecues, whatever.

7:51

Last night, we go out for sushi

7:53

and we're doing saki bombs. I'm like bro, I

7:55

mean, it's my last night and

7:57

he looks at me and he goes, okay,

7:59

you want

8:00

me to drink? And I'm like, Yeah.

8:03

And he goes, okay. But

8:05

let me just tell you this right now.

8:08

You wanted this. And I'm like, Oh,

8:10

good. It's like so dumb. Like a

8:12

child. Yeah. Like a child. And

8:15

he's like, okay. So boom boom.

8:17

We just start getting after it. and

8:19

he starts getting, like, like, the

8:21

fucking hulk. Like, a hulk,

8:23

seabreeze at hulk. Just seabreezes.

8:26

And then he all of sudden

8:28

starts doing moves where I'm like, out.

8:31

And everyone's like, hey, stop. And he's like,

8:33

what? And he just goes into, like,

8:35

lights out. Yeah. And he he fucking

8:37

strokes out my friend at David Busters.

8:39

Showed him out my butt fell on the

8:41

ground, starts foaming, and

8:43

we're all like, And then my

8:45

buddy wakes up like like twenty

8:48

eight days later. It was like twenty eight

8:50

seconds later. And he's like, what?

8:53

And we're oh my god. And now we're

8:55

just scared. Yeah. And now it's like not enjoyable.

8:57

And then he put

8:59

a fucking beer on my head and did

9:01

a jump kick and kicked it off.

9:04

Which yeah. That's why I wasn't

9:06

enjoying? No. because I was like, well, I mean, I could

9:08

die. Yeah. So long story

9:10

short, it it was just the next day No

9:12

UFC fighters ever. The next day

9:14

I call him and he just

9:16

goes, don't even say

9:18

anything. I go, no

9:20

button. He goes, nope. What did I

9:22

fucking say? Yeah. He goes, I would get,

9:24

like, fucking crazy. I'm like, yeah.

9:26

Yeah. You did. The last time

9:28

that I was at a DNB

9:30

was Dave and Busters. What I last

9:32

time was at Dave and Busters was

9:34

New York after SNL

9:36

had, like, the after after party?

9:38

And I had friends on the show and I went and

9:40

visited because I wanted to see Drake. And

9:42

Drake rented out

9:44

Times Square, Dave and Buster's for the

9:46

after after party. and I want to

9:48

spend hundreds of dollars. It's

9:52

free ski ball, all night

9:54

long. That's insane. And I went in there playing

9:56

games and stuff and fucking around. And of course, in the middle

9:58

of all this, like, fun, two

10:00

chicks clearly

10:01

who are there for the same celebrity.

10:04

Like, you can tell it's like, crowded

10:06

around this person, not gonna say who.

10:08

And -- Right. -- it is not

10:10

Drake, by the way. Another but it was

10:12

so cute. Bobby Lee. It was Bobby

10:14

Lee. They were all there for Bobby. And these two women

10:17

started fucking going at it, and it was like hair was

10:19

getting ripped off. and they were beating the

10:21

shit. It was so fun to watch a girl fight

10:23

because I hadn't seen a girl fight since we were in, like,

10:25

high school. I saw, like, two girls fight surfing.

10:27

They're so fucking cool. because

10:29

it's endless. With guys, when guys fight,

10:31

you're like, oh my god. You Like,

10:33

pretty quick. Yeah. You're like, guys guys

10:35

latch onto hair. Mhmm. And then it's

10:37

like, they come around and then it's

10:39

just both hair. I love to

10:41

watch the hair the hair struggle and

10:43

the flying fingernails and shit.

10:45

Yeah. I I love girl fight. I watch that documentary

10:47

about that the the the

10:50

the the female boxer, like, one of the greatest female

10:52

boxers on untold on Netflix. And it

10:54

was a, you know, like, how she was

10:56

touted as, like, the best Tyson thought she was, like, the

10:58

greatest female boxer of all time. And her life

11:00

story behind that, I don't wanna give it away is

11:02

insane. But to watch her, throw

11:05

punches. It's it's wild hound. You're with a

11:07

running show? Yeah. Oh my

11:09

god. Yeah. That's

11:11

amazing. She was killer, dude. She

11:13

was killer. Wow. No. It

11:15

was incredible to watch her throw

11:17

because it was even Tyson was, like, this is the hottest

11:19

I've ever seen someone throw as a woman.

11:21

And I also watch the mic doc the mic show, which

11:23

I don't wanna see that. It's good. Well, sometimes,

11:25

you're in handy companies to wrestle women.

11:27

Oh, dude, that's so amazing.

11:29

If you don't know that. If you don't know who Andy

11:31

Kaufman is, just look him up. Yeah.

11:33

And he's a comedy icon and just a

11:35

complete anomaly as

11:37

a performer, and that's Look at Daniel Day Lewis was

11:39

a comedian. Like, in terms of, like,

11:41

burying himself in something Oh,

11:43

yeah. He worked at that. But it was, like, a

11:45

role. he so what he did was he never knew if he

11:47

was real or not what he was doing. And he was

11:50

doing stunts, and he had an alternate persona.

11:52

And there's a movie man on the moon that

11:54

Jim Carrey played him. Yeah. but

11:56

he wrestled women. Like,

11:58

in a ring, he would physically wrestle

12:01

He went on letterman and and went on

12:03

letterman promoted it. and he

12:05

had a woman on and Basically wrestled

12:07

women to the ground, like And hard. It was this

12:09

was not a joke. No. No. No. This was not a joke. I mean,

12:11

I don't know what it was. It wasn't wild. But

12:13

the only thing that kinda busted was what's his name

12:15

was Lalor, Jerry Lalor. Jerry Lalor. Jerry

12:17

Lalor. That was a a little bit of a bit.

12:19

They admitted later. Right? think

12:21

so. Yeah. So Jerry Lawler is a big wrestler at

12:23

the time. Right. Called Andy out. It was like, why don't

12:25

you fight men? And then they just that

12:27

you can YouTube that. We won't spoiled. No. We don't spoil

12:29

it. But also but the women one, he

12:32

did get he got sued by a bunch of different

12:34

women, like, it was wild. He actually, like,

12:36

what do I mean, he did I mean, if you get in the ring,

12:38

I mean, guy who was promoted, but he didn't

12:40

just go up to women on the street and

12:42

fucking that David Busters

12:44

jump off the fucking papa shot

12:47

publish it. started snapping. He

12:49

was he was incredible. But I think if you tried

12:51

to do anything like that today, performance art at

12:53

that level, you'd it would you'd never get away

12:55

with it. It's just a different We can't

12:57

move anything now. No. It's just a different time

12:59

back then. I mean, my favorite was what was the story

13:01

recently where, like, a woman

13:03

flipped out because Schwartz

13:05

and I are farted on her? No. Is that

13:07

real? Do you hear about that? No. I think it was real. But

13:09

I again, I don't even know what's real anymore.

13:12

Yeah. This woman, I'm pretty sure, and she

13:14

said that he deliberately farted

13:16

into her face when he was either

13:18

standing next to a walking buyer. And that's if

13:20

that's real, that's where we're at, you know. farming

13:23

is so I mean, but I

13:25

mean, that was a story. Yeah.

13:27

That that she was she was,

13:29

like, I don't know what how it was gonna

13:31

escalate with her. But, I

13:33

mean, chewing for farting on you. I I yeah. I

13:35

don't know. It's When you're on a when you're on,

13:37

like, a zed assault, Oh,

13:39

shit. Yeah. Oh. That's just the kind of

13:41

material here on Nick Swartz and not

13:43

Matt for Georgia. Okay. When

13:45

you're in an elevator, if you have to fart,

13:47

will you do it? So my buddy just

13:49

told me about a thing that he loves to do

13:52

where he works at office building

13:54

and he will go and

13:56

will hold a fart until the elevator --

13:58

Mhmm. -- because he just loves to have

14:00

people walk into it. You know what I mean?

14:02

It's just like walking into, like, a force field

14:04

where it's like, And he

14:07

just loves it and he just laughs and

14:09

he'll be like, yeah, the guy just got

14:11

off. Dick. Fucking Rick.

14:13

Well, you gotta be great. What you can really do is

14:15

pretend like they walked on with it. So you're

14:17

standing there. And when they walk on, go, oh

14:19

my god. Oh my god. Look,

14:21

like, right at my god. What did

14:23

you say? one of those, like,

14:25

really, bro? That's

14:28

where that Fritz didn't really want. Really?

14:31

It doesn't matter who it is.

14:34

Now if six or bros,

14:36

dude, I will almost always fart

14:38

when I'm in a congested space. on the New

14:40

York, farted on it. I love

14:42

it so much. And I like it. I just I

14:44

like the because I like the eyes. You

14:46

get hard. I like to yeah. That's how they

14:48

know. Perhaps. That's how they know. I

14:50

like people reading a book and when they when

14:52

they they do that thing for a second. And they

14:54

look around because they're like, Jesus. Christ.

14:56

I love I love the darting eyes.

14:58

That's it for now. So, I mean, I used

15:00

to love doing that at bars, and this

15:02

is back when I used to eat dairy. I don't eat dairy

15:05

anymore, but I would get I would just

15:07

have gnarly farts and my

15:09

friend, Pat, to Luca, one of my close

15:11

friends. And I would just I

15:13

would let the mist out. It was

15:15

almost like where it would just

15:17

where you would see it, like, on the floor, where,

15:19

like, mist would Yeah. And like a movie,

15:21

whatever. Slowly feeling with fun. And I would just wait.

15:23

because Pat had a really keen sense of smell,

15:25

which is great. If you have friends, I

15:27

have certain friends that their smell is so

15:29

strong. So Pat would be like He'd

15:31

be like, yeah. So, yeah, the game starts and then,

15:34

I'm fucking fucking come on,

15:36

man. And I

15:38

tiers than my eyes. Like and

15:40

he would always know it was me, but I just

15:43

or I would start laughing. Everybody knows

15:45

that move. where I would start like a

15:47

tier, would start going, and I'd be

15:49

like, and then and Pat

15:51

would be like, no. No. you.

15:54

Fuck you, man. He gets so

15:56

mad. And it's like, when you

15:58

know it's coming, it's the mess. It's so

15:59

It's a weapon. The

16:02

anticipation really is a weapon. Yeah.

16:04

It's a little secret sneaky weapon

16:06

to let out let other people slowly

16:08

get it. Yeah. I like when people pretend like they don't

16:10

smell it. That's my favorite. When they go, I

16:12

don't I don't smell it. Or

16:14

if you say somebody

16:16

fart and then people act like they smell

16:18

it. I'll be like, who did that? And

16:20

somebody be like, come on man,

16:22

but nobody did. So that's

16:24

another fucking mine, but I

16:26

just talked about fart fart on fart ons.

16:28

fart on holland Williams podcast.

16:30

Oh, you did? No. I already have a site. Well,

16:32

let's move off a farthest. I

16:34

can't let that identify me.

16:37

Women, you know, it's it's

16:39

us. Diarion fart is kinda your brand. Yeah.

16:41

I know. It's funny. It's part of your shit.

16:43

It's part of my shit. We'll be

16:45

right back.

16:49

Yeah. So you when was last time you had a drink,

16:51

by the way? I had

16:53

one drink over the last, like, two

16:55

and a half months. But I I'm

16:57

gonna, like, drink again. I just I

16:59

it's great being busy -- Yeah. -- with

17:02

movies and stuff and touring.

17:04

But so I just don't wanna I just have a lot

17:06

to do and I wanna I don't wanna, like, clean

17:08

it around. Yeah. I mean, there's

17:10

so much travel in the shows

17:12

I'm so excited about. and the

17:14

next stop is Texas. So to be Dallas, San

17:17

Antonio, Wisconsin. And then

17:19

back to the middle restaurant, Chicago, Iowa,

17:21

Madison. What are you doing in Chicago Theatre? Yeah.

17:24

favorite. Beautiful. Yeah. I love it. It's

17:26

so pretty, man. It's such a beautiful theater. And it's

17:28

for me, it's just classic. It means something for

17:30

me as a kid. We would go you'd go

17:32

there for, like, shows. Like, that's like a mayor what

17:35

is it? Joseph and a

17:37

Technicolor dream coat. I went there as a

17:39

kid. Oh. That was gay when I was a

17:41

kid. Right. grew out of

17:43

it. Right. But you We cut right out of the

17:45

Technicolor. you. Yeah.

17:47

I wanna see Joe Coy in the Technicolor dream

17:50

code. Joe Coy and Technicolor -- Yeah. -- amazing Joe

17:52

Coy. The only thing Joe Joe

17:54

fucking work on that, man. Come on, Joe. Go

17:56

ahead. the Technicolor dreamcoat.

17:59

But, yeah, the shows have been great. And the the good

18:01

thing is is now that I'm older, like my

18:03

fans, it's not as chaotic because

18:05

I don't know. is I

18:08

fan base. I still do, which is

18:10

fine. Yeah. But, like, my shows would get

18:12

so rowdy.

18:15

that I went I went on social media on one

18:17

of my tours. And I was like, hey,

18:19

if you come to the show,

18:22

like, try to maintain a little bit. You know what I mean? Like, I'm

18:24

not slip not. You know what I

18:26

mean? It's like fucking just

18:28

chaos. And I only say that

18:31

shot out to slipknot because I did

18:33

a show in Indianapolis at the

18:36

Egyptian room. Mhmm. And

18:38

I was there the night after slipknot, and the

18:40

people were like, Thank god. And I go,

18:42

what do you mean? And they're like,

18:45

yeah. We we just had slipknot. We just been

18:48

cleaning up. the floor because there was, like,

18:50

blood and vomit. And

18:52

and they're, like, we're just relaxing

18:54

to have a comedian. And I'm,

18:56

like, wait for wait

18:58

for it. Yes. Night's not over.

19:01

There was more blood common faucet.

19:03

Nick Sportsman Show. than any of the episodes, I wouldn't

19:05

be surprised. One of my favorite stories I would tell

19:07

all the time in Orlando is I

19:11

show up and it was a performance art center.

19:14

So I walk in and I'm in the back

19:16

stage and I look at any of these big

19:18

signs for the Lion King and Phantom of

19:20

the Opera. and I look around and I'm

19:22

like, and I go,

19:24

hey, is this normally like a

19:26

music venue or enoch musicals and

19:28

stuff? And the guy's like, yeah. Yeah.

19:30

It's a performance art center. And I'm like,

19:33

okay. Do you guys have, like,

19:35

security? And he was

19:37

like, no. And I'm like

19:39

Mhmm. Okay. He goes, we have got ushers.

19:42

And I'm like, you know, let's do, like,

19:44

old people. They volunteered to be

19:46

ushers that For me, the median age is, like, eighty four for sure.

19:48

Exactly. So I was,

19:50

like, oh, no. And

19:52

then, of course, show comes,

19:55

people rowdy, I just stopped the show, so it fist

19:57

fight, girl fight, love, in the

19:59

balcony. And

20:01

we had stopped

20:03

the show. And then I was like, oh my

20:05

god. So I Show's great. I love

20:07

Florida. Get off stage. And the

20:09

guy comes back and he's like, Yeah.

20:11

Yeah, man. You weren't you

20:14

weren't wrong. And I'm like, yeah, I know.

20:16

Is it bad? And he's like, well, people

20:18

are sleeping in the bathroom.

20:21

They're cleaning up the vomit, and the bathroom,

20:23

and the miss vomit, and the aisles.

20:25

There was some vomit. And then we had

20:27

to get the fight, and we had to cut the call,

20:30

please. or I think and I was like, yeah.

20:32

I told I told you. But I

20:34

just picture these poor ushers. She's

20:36

lady's sleeping up, vomiting.

20:38

That's not Simba. Like,

20:40

they're just trying to, like, figure out

20:42

what's going on. They've survived world wars, you

20:45

know. Nick Swartz's comedy show

20:47

comes in hot. God bless though, dude. That's what you bring you

20:49

bring in the fucking heat. But, you

20:51

know, I'm I'm like, come to the show,

20:54

get drunk, But, like, I'm

20:56

I was the same way where I'm at

20:58

it myself because I missed so many

21:01

shows where I got so fucked up. I

21:03

don't remember Yeah. And they were

21:05

great shows. I know what I mean.

21:07

Like, I'm talking bobby

21:09

Lee live. Goodness.

21:13

No. But, like, I was just people would come

21:15

up to me and be like, oh, dude, I saw you in

21:17

San Antonio, loved it. I don't remember any

21:19

of it. Yeah. But I remember laughing. And

21:22

I'm like, So, you know, do whatever you want,

21:24

but keep in mind I'm bummed out for

21:26

shows, I've I've missed. Me too. I feel the same

21:28

way. I feel like it it's sad

21:30

knowing that there were shows that No.

21:32

I was there, but I wasn't there. Where you're

21:34

like, I don't remember much of that show. Yeah.

21:36

When I was three years old, I saw

21:39

led Zeppelin. Oh, really? How is it so

21:41

much peyote? He just blacked.

21:43

Don't even fuck. I fucking suck. How

21:45

do you how do you break through an hour

21:47

then if everyone is yelling? What do you

21:49

do then? Like, if you're trying to eat dog, they're people

21:51

are really cool. Like, once I get on,

21:53

they're they're they're really awesome because

21:55

it's tricky with because I have a lot of stories. You really have

21:57

to pay attention. Yeah. because there's details

22:00

to the stories and stuff, but

22:02

people are really, really good. I mean, I don't

22:04

I don't remember the last time I

22:06

was doing clubs full time as

22:08

a club comic, I did Carol lines on

22:11

Broadway, which I love. It's one of my home clubs in New

22:13

York. And the

22:15

crowd was probably

22:17

the rowdyest crowd I've ever. It was a

22:19

late show Saturday. Mhmm. And that was

22:21

when I'm like, I gotta do theaters just

22:23

to kind of because this is too

22:25

much. Yeah. And granted I was, like,

22:27

mid twenties, but it was

22:30

so, you know, so everybody was

22:32

young. My fan base and me. And

22:34

it was it was chaos.

22:36

I mean, New Yorkers now. It

22:38

was Jersey, New York. Yeah. So it

22:40

was just loud talking.

22:42

where they're not even realizing -- Right. --

22:45

like, eighteen had got me the

22:47

fucking drinking the rainbow ball. And I'm just

22:49

like, you you guys Like,

22:51

I don't know. But it was the

22:53

whole crowd. No. Sono crowd was everybody was

22:55

just loud and just like, this

22:57

fucking wreck. So I'm talking about, you know what

22:59

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I like Tanger. Death I talk

26:21

I can't break it up anymore like I used to. It's hard. Like,

26:23

I used to be able to, like, bounce the crowd

26:25

But now it's tough for me.

26:28

If someone's being super distracting,

26:30

I can't I can't use it as much as

26:32

I used to because I'm trying to do this hour.

26:34

So when I'm in the my mindset, I get kind

26:36

of fucked up when people start getting, like,

26:38

over the top and all that bullshit, and they

26:40

start yelling. And you you want them to be involved, but you're

26:42

also like, don't fucking take the

26:44

show over and do the whole thing because then it's about you

26:47

and all this shit. And the other people are like,

26:49

oh man, fucking. Well, that's the thing.

26:51

Like, for me,

26:53

I can just deal with it. Yeah. If it gets

26:55

to a boiling point, I mean, I've

26:57

rarely thrown people out. It means that I can just

26:59

feel like, Dude, what do you do? You know, what are

27:01

you doing? Yeah. But I feel bad for the

27:03

people around them when and that's something about getting,

27:05

like, that wasted where I've had

27:07

people being, like, great show,

27:09

but People next to me were so just screaming

27:11

and blah blah blah blah. And that's when it sounds like

27:13

you don't wanna be that. I only threw out one guy in

27:15

San Diego. He threw a shoe at me.

27:17

a sandal. Oh my

27:20

god. Yeah. Through sandals,

27:22

India. because I made fun of

27:24

sandals who would have bottle openers on the bottom, you know.

27:26

Right. Yeah. had one, and he just

27:28

threw it right at me. And then he was

27:30

like, oh, dude, now you have to leave. Yeah.

27:32

And he lets us I mean, that's a

27:34

salt. He's like, I'm just kidding, dude. No. Fucking kidding. I'm

27:37

just fucking around. I'm just

27:40

fucking around. I'm just kidding,

27:42

dude. up with you, man. Warburian

27:44

fucking dick about it. Weird. And

27:46

then you were like, the sandal

27:49

boone long before That's just

27:51

the kind of material you'll see on tour.

27:53

Next sports and stuff. What do you know? Thirty five

27:55

cities? Forty cities? I don't know. I

27:57

don't know. I don't know. I don't probably

27:59

like thirty

27:59

five.

28:00

What's the most you've ever done on tour? I wanna look

28:03

right now and how many nicks works. And what's the

28:05

biggest show I ever did was twenty five

28:07

thousand. And that wasn't me. That

28:09

was me. Will Ferrell. No. I mean, how many cities?

28:11

Twenty twenty five thousand people that were you planning? Will

28:13

Ferrells at Galvanakis and Dmitry Martin.

28:15

Where was that at? That was in Ohio

28:17

State at their arena. 3456

28:20

That was insane. And

28:23

I don't know if I'd wanna consistently do

28:25

that, but 789 ten eleven. Yeah. He's

28:27

busy. But Sixteen six busy. Yeah.

28:29

You're doing twenty city. Twenty some odd cities, twenty two.

28:31

Could you have it some of them or multiple shows? Yeah.

28:34

That's right. Because I'm doing some clubs like

28:36

Tacoma. Yeah. You're doing We're in the Seattle

28:38

area. Tacoma is my only play because some more

28:40

theater was booked. I love

28:42

the Tacoma comedy club. So I'm there. And

28:44

then Portland, helium -- Yeah. -- and then

28:46

COGS in San Francisco. I love

28:48

jobs. Clubs I love. Yeah. No. There's

28:50

clubs that I'll always do. twenty

28:52

five thousand feels so It's

28:54

overwhelming dude. It was just

28:56

surreal. It was cool though, but it would be

28:58

like, you know, I would just tell a joke and I'd be

29:00

like diarrhea and I'd be like, It

29:02

was

29:05

like a slow roar.

29:09

Yeah. I So The slow build of diarrhea.

29:11

I did one with Rogen. The biggest one I think we

29:13

did was, like, I don't know.

29:15

Well, he does. Yeah. That's Twelve thousand. Oh,

29:17

nine to twelve thousand. Was kinda Those

29:19

were tough though. When we played Chicago, we played

29:21

the United Center with a bowl of

29:23

play. Yeah. That's insane. It was nuts. But, dude,

29:25

up in the top, you can see, like, the

29:28

top row like the top

29:30

concourse that's lit up, you know, for, like, you

29:32

know, for beer and concessions. Right. And

29:34

you could see even then, even the middle

29:36

of the show, thousands of people just walking around

29:38

to get beer. It's like a baseball game. It's a it's

29:40

a sporting event. Yeah. Literally. That's the

29:43

craziest shit. I know. It's

29:45

I mean, some venues have bars in them

29:47

like that, but also some theaters have

29:49

bars in the back. Yeah. And my age won't be like, do

29:51

you want me to kill the bar

29:53

during your show. And I'm

29:56

like, part of me is like, you know, I want

29:58

people to have fun and listen, but I was like, I'm

29:59

not gonna fucking You know what I mean? No. No. I'm

30:02

gonna my panic attack guy. I wouldn't

30:04

want that. I'd be like, what? I would have a panic

30:06

attack. Yeah. When I showed up, I might be

30:08

like, the it's not oh,

30:10

We're leaving. Get in

30:12

the car. Let's go. I had a friend of mine come to

30:14

my show in Key West. Shout out

30:16

Key West. And my friend came and

30:18

he's such a drunk. And

30:20

he came to the show, I set him up,

30:23

and he was, like, mad.

30:25

because he said the tickets got fucked up,

30:27

but then my friend was, like, No. He couldn't get a

30:29

drink right away. So he

30:31

just left. And I called him

30:33

out, I'm like, dude, why don't you just get

30:35

a buzz and then, you know, wait, and he

30:37

was like, No. The tickets of

30:39

Obalon was a mess, and I was like, no. He just

30:41

but anyway, like But the pre game You wanna

30:43

get there? Yeah. Pre game. Pre gaming is important for

30:45

them. But when they get there, they need to have the

30:47

regulator. You gotta have a cocktail? You have to. It regulates the pregame.

30:49

I'm not just judge But a new

30:51

pregame? Judge Jed. Are you not

30:53

Judge Jed? Not yet. Judge

30:57

Nikki. Look at little Judge Nikki and his

30:59

gavel. Do you have people I have people pregame

31:01

my shows. They do? Tailgate. I saw I

31:03

was actually, like, behind

31:05

Where were we? I was

31:07

behind

31:07

a venue, like, out back for a second,

31:09

making a phone call, and I see people out by where

31:11

the parking lot was. and him and his

31:13

girlfriend. I thought it was, like, so cute. It was, like, him and

31:15

his girlfriend had, like, just a little little little little

31:18

flask, you know, and they're both

31:20

ripping and handed it back to each other and they will smoke and sharing a cigarette

31:22

at the same time. It was like, oh, I

31:24

so badly wanted to be like,

31:26

hey, I love you guys. because

31:28

they're they're coming to see the show, but they wanna get in a

31:30

little bit of sauce before they get in there because drinks are

31:32

always expensive as fuck. Yeah. But it was cute to

31:34

watch them rip it together. And they and

31:37

then He's like, you finish it. She's like, finish it. And I badly

31:39

wanna be like, boom. Both of you finish it.

31:41

Both of you finish it. You walked up like,

31:43

I'll finish it. And

31:47

then just I drilled a

31:50

pumpkin, but I'm be like,

31:52

welcome now. I spun him like a basketball. I

31:54

put my finger in his ass, and I just

31:56

went green. like plates? Yeah.

31:58

I was doing that. Yeah. I was on America's

31:59

got talent. I've had people I've had

32:02

people get too fucked up with the show multiple times,

32:04

though. Denver.

32:05

Denver. Denver.

32:06

Denver is a big town for a

32:09

party. The last time like,

32:11

tomorrow night. Tomorrow night. I'm shooting my special and

32:13

Denver come out and say Oh, wow. Let me check.

32:15

And then but the last time or

32:17

two times ago, I was there. a dude was

32:20

I've had two two times people

32:22

have gotten taken out because of edibles,

32:24

like they've taken too many edibles. Right.

32:26

And they need to leave. One of them, a

32:28

woman passed out, fell. She fell on the

32:30

stairs. Right. You know, Denver has his like it's

32:32

like stadium seating inside the club, you know? Yeah. So

32:34

when she was coming all the way down and

32:36

she fell. and then I had to stop the

32:38

show and she was okay. But I was like,

32:40

what's wrong with that girl and her friends like, she

32:42

edibles too many edibles.

32:45

Why would she be Yeah.

32:47

I know. I mean, why don't you take an edible

32:49

before show? Yeah. But dude, not they take they

32:51

don't take they don't take fucking

32:53

anything. They're Wow. I love it,

32:55

dude. I fucking fucking go rogue. They go

32:57

fucking rogue, dude. Row Denver. I

32:59

love it so much. And then a dude in the front row, the last

33:01

time I was at Comedy Works was off his head on

33:03

mushrooms. And I was trying to have conversation with it because I

33:05

could tell because he was, like,

33:07

really animated. Like like, he'd laugh. He'd

33:09

be like, It

33:11

was like super animated. Yep. It was

33:13

awesome. mushroom land. And I was like, are you

33:15

good, dude? And and at some point, his buddy

33:18

is like, he's on

33:20

he's on eight of his And I was like, are you on mushrooms

33:22

too? He's like, much I'm on much less. And I was

33:24

like, oh, okay. So you're the babysitter. Then

33:26

he took half. He's on sick. Yeah.

33:30

Why? No. But honestly, though,

33:32

that's their they weren't disruptive. I

33:34

just had to say something Yeah. No. I mean, I

33:36

go fucking innovative. I just said somebody

33:38

that, like, I've done mushrooms. don't wanna go to I don't wanna

33:40

fucking go to anywhere, like, where it's

33:42

crowded or He looked like a like, the

33:44

the the alien escaping a body and men

33:46

in black. Like, it's coming out

33:48

of the fucking potty potty. Yeah. To your,

33:50

like, like, sloughing your

33:52

skin off. Now

33:54

he fucked that. I would never the busiest place I've ever

33:56

done mushrooms is at like a

33:59

festival or a music show. Oh,

34:01

that's it. That's not that bad because at

34:03

least you're outside. You can walk around

34:05

and ride it at an indoor thing

34:07

is panicked to me. I inside with mushroom rooms

34:09

is not my shit. But if I'm outdoors and I can kind of

34:11

move away from people, no big deal. For

34:14

some reason, when I'm inside and I'm really high on

34:16

mushrooms, that's when I start to get

34:18

to like, we should get we should go we should take a walk

34:20

or something. Yeah. That'll be all you didn't do.

34:22

My friends grandma took mushrooms at

34:24

the Holocaust. Did

34:26

she really? Yeah. During it? Yeah. Nile. Yeah. She

34:28

survived, but she was like, yeah, it was a bad idea.

34:30

She's like That's the only thing I got.

34:33

That's a great movie. The only reason she survived is because

34:35

she was on an

34:38

eighth ishrooms. I

34:40

know that's probably gonna get yelled. How did you celebrate nine eleven, by the way? Speaking

34:43

of atrocities? I was on stage at

34:45

in Pittsburgh. I was fly I

34:47

was on an airplane.

34:49

I flew on nine eleven. I flew on nine eleven. I fly I

34:52

almost fly on nine eleven every year for some reason. I feel

34:54

like every year it's a thing that I do is to

34:56

celebrate, you know. It's just be like, look what we did.

34:58

We can get away with it now. Of course, I

35:00

got random screened the

35:02

day that I flew. I never get random screened and I

35:04

got random screened. And of course, they

35:06

found my they found my explosive and they

35:08

took it out. And I was like, I wasn't gonna detonate it. I

35:10

just wanted to -- Right. -- it's it's like

35:12

your Xanax. Just knowing you have it.

35:14

Just knowing I need I need to know it's in the

35:16

bag. Right. Yeah. That's

35:18

fine. I mean, I remember I had a bit about it in

35:20

my standup, but on the things that you

35:22

can't bring on the plane when you go to

35:24

security. I remember they had a bomb

35:26

on the sign. And I did a bit

35:28

about because it was like an like, the bowling ball,

35:30

old time with the wiggle wick coming out

35:32

of it. That was on the sign. I'm

35:34

not gonna do the bid, but it was

35:36

just like, I don't know why you no. This is like, do

35:38

you have to, like, fucking no shit. You

35:40

know what I mean? Well, the guy's gonna pull it

35:42

out of his bag, and it's and it and it's

35:45

a cartoon that's already burning down. He's like, oh,

35:47

frozen away. I've done the thing where it was holding it behind his

35:49

back. You could hear

35:52

it like, Yeah.

35:54

I mean, again, that's just like the level of kinda sales

35:56

agency. And here at Nick's work. It's so

35:58

funny about mushroom laughing because it's such

36:01

a specific thing about that. because when I

36:03

took mushrooms, I've taken this a handful of times,

36:06

but no pun intended a handful of

36:08

times. Mhmm. because you

36:10

can take that's the kind of stuff you're

36:12

gonna see, and it's horton dot

36:14

net. No. Don't do.

36:16

Anyway, I took, like, five grams.

36:18

My buddy's brother went to Colorado. It's

36:20

always about Colorado. I think they

36:22

legalized mushrooms. They did. Yeah. They decriminalized

36:24

it. They decriminalized it.

36:26

Oh, of course, Colorado -- Yeah. -- because

36:28

then in, you know, It's just funny, like, now

36:30

I'm picturing people like working in a funeral

36:32

home like, hey, we're looking for a casket

36:34

for my mother and then being like,

36:38

Yeah. What color?

36:41

What color? I

36:43

don't fucking know, man. Mikey's

36:45

painting one right now. This

36:47

is huge huge bro. Do

36:49

you like Bs? Her birds? I painted a

36:51

lot of birds and bees on this one.

36:53

Hey, this one. We already used recycling it. You know what

36:55

I mean? You got a

36:58

recycling. Usher laughing is

37:00

panic laughing. It is ridiculous. panicking

37:04

and this this happened to me, I'd taken

37:06

five grams. That's a that's a pretty good amount. That's

37:08

a fucking lot. That's a pretty good amount of

37:10

mushrooms. And I was in

37:12

high school I mean, my friends were like,

37:14

we're gonna go to a movie. So we took

37:16

them and we laughed, I'll keep

37:18

this story short, but we went went

37:20

to go to the movie and I forgot my wallet. I was like, fuck

37:22

it. I gotta go back. and I started peak

37:24

as I came back. And I was like,

37:26

oh, no. And I slipped into my

37:28

mom's apartment and I go and get my wallet and

37:30

I just hear Nicholas and

37:31

I'm like, and I

37:34

go and she's sitting there and she's like, what are you doing?

37:36

And I'm

37:38

like, I forgot my wallet. I gotta go. And

37:40

she said, well, hold on. And then I'm not

37:42

joking. She had like these neon snowflakes

37:44

on her face. And I start mushroom

37:46

laughing. And

37:48

I go, And

37:51

she goes, what's so funny? And I

37:54

go, my buddy, Sam, told me

37:56

a joke. She

37:58

goes, oh, what is it? And I go,

38:00

I have no idea. And then

38:02

she looked at me like I was crazy person, and

38:05

I just laughed immediately. She never knew?

38:07

No. My buddy, Tyler's mom, was like, she came home

38:09

right as we were peaking. We ate him in his basement. We were

38:11

gonna go to our friend, Mike's

38:14

house. and we're chilling down there. And I thought and I was like, should we smoke?

38:16

Should we smoke to kick this into full gear?

38:18

He's like, let's just get in the car. We'll get stoned

38:20

on the way to Mike's house.

38:23

And so we're going to the dude's house. Alright. I mean,

38:25

we're we're on our way up through the house of the dude's

38:27

house. And the moment my foot, like, hits

38:29

the stair to walk

38:32

upstairs. Right. tie,

38:32

tie, tie, tie. I was like, the

38:34

wave was like, I

38:37

mean, honestly, dude, and I turned to him,

38:39

and I was like, dude.

38:41

I'm I'm like, it's happening hard right now. Like, it hit

38:43

me it hit me harder than it's ever hit me.

38:45

And he's like, you'll be cool, dude. You'll

38:48

be cool. you'll be cool to just go upstairs,

38:50

slow, and I was like, and then as soon as I go upstairs, his mom's like, hey, babe. And if you

38:52

have to walk to the kitchen and get to their garage, and

38:54

I just looked over to her and I go, the trash

38:58

smells She was like, what? Oh my god. I'll take it out. She's

39:00

like, what? And I grabbed the trash. There

39:02

was, like, three things in it. It you know what I mean? It

39:04

was like It was a paper towel and a new and I take

39:06

it. I

39:08

was like, this is gross. I gotta go

39:10

outside. And and

39:12

we jumped right in the car immediately. I mean, honestly,

39:14

she never said anything about it. But

39:17

that my first instinct, my brain was like, what's

39:19

a way to get out of the kitchen without having to

39:21

have a conversation with her? And I was like, trash is bad. I'll

39:23

take out the trash. because we would

39:25

help push it around the house. My favorite thing is that if you weren't holding

39:27

anything, the chest smells.

39:30

And she's like, alright.

39:34

In here, we pull I

39:36

gotta tell you some guys, as we get older,

39:38

you know, it gets a little bit

39:42

softer yet hard harder

39:44

to last longer. Fuck

39:48

this. I don't know what

39:50

that is. I'm sorry, dude. I don't know what that I don't

39:52

even know what I'm trying to

39:54

say.

39:55

Hey fellas. Listen.

39:58

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40:00

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41:10

Tanger. I like Tangerously.

41:13

If you don't ask it,

41:15

I've tried everything, but here's

41:17

a fucking thing. people think I

41:20

keep hearing rumors that I'm like a coke

41:22

head. That's what I said. Somebody just told

41:24

me that. That people think you do a lot of coke. My

41:26

friend yeah. And then somebody was on a said they heard

41:28

a podcast. and someone's, like, next to a

41:30

big coconut. I'm not. I did jokes about it. I've done it. But, like, I'm not

41:32

at all. Like, I've done it, but

41:36

that's the fucking worst. I talk about it on stage, but

41:38

it's just so I'm just clearing it up. Like,

41:40

I I'm not at all. It's just weird for

41:42

me to hear that. I've never known you to be a coke.

41:45

Yeah. That's why I was, like, shocked. Booz Two people said

41:47

it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a drinker. I mean, obviously, I

41:49

said talk about that. Yeah. But I say I've

41:51

done Coke. And then this is, like, one

41:54

time I did Coke, And

41:56

I was in Los Angeles, and

41:58

my brother and some friends came visit

42:00

me from Minnesota. And we

42:02

got cocaine from a strip club.

42:05

And this whole Twenty twenty years ago. What

42:07

do you mean? There was a guy working in the strip club. You

42:09

got COVID. My friend, there was strip earnings, like, I answered

42:11

coke, whatever. stripers always have one of those shocker.

42:13

and spoiler alert.

42:16

Turns out strippers might have coke.

42:18

Yeah. So we we're

42:20

doing blow in this hotel, my brother's

42:22

hotel room. And I don't care if I throw him out of the

42:24

bus. So we're doing coke at

42:26

six in the morning and I have a

42:28

panic attack. because

42:30

I can't sleep. Like, I wanna go to sleep. That's why I don't like cocaine. Yeah.

42:32

It's because I just wanna drinking like you

42:34

just pass out. You know what I mean? Yep.

42:37

or you drink until you do sleep. If you're still awake,

42:39

you're like, oh, yeah. Or you'll just sleep, walk, and

42:41

then, you know, you wake up

42:43

in a dumpster. you hit your

42:45

head and you say, welcome to Well, maybe you're in the Amazon.

42:47

Who knows? Fun.

42:52

Fun travel. You can't sleep, but six AM. So you can't sleep, and then I

42:54

panicked, and I called my

42:56

mom. And boop, boop, boop, boop. And I'm

42:58

like, hey,

43:00

it's Nick. and I

43:02

identified myself. And she

43:04

goes, hey, why are you why are you up so early?

43:06

Then I go, and I realized, like,

43:08

oh my god. It's called my mom. High on cocaine.

43:10

And I go, oh, I'm going to the

43:12

gym and she's like, oh, that's good.

43:15

And I'm like, yeah. Anyway,

43:18

my brother's doing coke on the coffee table. And I go,

43:20

anyway, here's John, and

43:22

he's like, he doesn't know what I'm doing.

43:24

He goes, who is it? And I go, It's

43:28

mom.

43:28

And he

43:29

goes, fuck.

43:30

Fuck. And I'm

43:32

like, and he's like, hey, mom.

43:35

Yeah. Now what's going on? Yeah.

43:38

No. Yeah. The gym. Yeah.

43:40

We think we're gonna hit the gym. Okay. We'll call

43:42

you later. And he

43:44

was like, hey, so funny. He said, what the

43:46

fuck are you doing? And I was like, I

43:48

don't know, man. I'm like,

43:50

Sam panicked. just didn't know what to

43:52

do. Love that mom is the person that you'd call me, like, freaking out. My fucking mom. Did

43:54

Lord, she won't know. She didn't call me. She

43:58

does Coke. Imagine your mom on the other side is also up doing

43:59

coaching. Nick, what are you doing? What's

44:02

going

44:02

on? That would be amazing. Two people

44:03

covering up that they're doing

44:06

Coke. Yeah. Sometimes, gym too. Yep. We're also going to your father

44:08

and I are

44:08

going to the gym as well. Hold

44:10

on one second. We're

44:11

going down on gym. What?

44:14

What? For

44:16

Coke. mean, for a Coke Cola. Wait. What's going on? It's

44:18

actually one of my favorite things to see as

44:20

people coming out of the bathroom after they've done Coke, but

44:22

play it off that they did

44:24

co. Yeah. It's amazing. just hold them and grab your

44:26

hand and go, buddy. It's fine. Nobody cares. But they're they're like,

44:32

they always have to have a comment. If there's a line and they come out from doing coke, they

44:34

have some kind of comment. They're like, they better

44:36

read out a toilet paper soon. And

44:39

you're like, you don't you don't need to connect

44:42

with me, dude. It's cool. You can just

44:44

go do Coke and go back to

44:46

the bar. Well, I told her I

44:48

was gonna have a climate change. What's gonna what time is the movie tonight? And they just walk away like a fucking

44:50

whack a do. Barneys. Barneys.

44:52

There's coke at Barneys for

44:56

sure. your old stomping grounds. That's a rumor. That's

44:58

true. It's true. Yep. It

45:00

is funny. What's the same

45:03

thing? I was Like, if my

45:05

friends would go out, come

45:05

out of the bathroom, I would always tell him, like,

45:08

just say you guys were having

45:10

gay sex. instead

45:12

of doing a code. Yeah. No one's gonna say, my buddy's gonna deal just

45:14

be like, yeah. because some people be like, alright.

45:16

Yeah. They won't judge Don't take questions

45:18

people hooking up in a bathroom.

45:20

No. They'll be like, oh. They're not gonna

45:22

they're not gonna wanna know. Mhmm. Yeah. Well,

45:24

so their wife sits calm. one

45:27

time in Denver. Not COVID.

45:30

A guy was a guy everybody thought was doing

45:32

Coke in Denver. Same thing. And I've learned

45:35

Denver. Was it John Denver? Banging on the fucking stall

45:37

door. They're like, come on, dude.

45:39

Get out. Get out. Then they

45:41

push it open. He's not doing

45:43

Coke. He's sleeping. like hug in the toilet. Oh, okay. And I had to let him I

45:45

was like, leave him alone. Let him I was like, close the door and let

45:47

him stay there. The poor bastard. Fuck.

45:50

Yeah. But I've

45:52

been there. fuck. Yeah. I've done that to a toilet toilet naps.

45:54

Mhmm. I've done that where

45:56

I'm, like, I'll sit on the toilet and

45:58

I'll be, like, okay. I'm gonna sleep

46:00

for, like, a minute.

46:02

And I'll just take, like, a

46:04

toilet now. Close my eyes. Yeah. That's not

46:06

okay. I'm just resting my eyes.

46:08

On the toilet. am resting my

46:10

eyes on the toilet seat. How many times

46:12

how many times do you think you puked at a

46:14

bar? No. I've I've never done that. Never

46:16

puked at a bar? Not really. No.

46:18

Man, I have for sure. fuck. One time,

46:20

this is one of the grossest things I've

46:22

done. I went to

46:24

an after party for Saturday Night Live.

46:27

And taping busters with Drake?

46:30

No. I went to the

46:32

taping. It went to an afterparty.

46:34

and

46:35

then there was Yeah. I'm only saying

46:37

dropping the

46:37

S and L. I just because it was like a

46:39

really exclusive party. So

46:42

I'm with my brother and some friends and the host was I

46:44

mean, there was a lot of celebrities there. It was a

46:46

really nice fun party and stuff. And I'm

46:49

trapped in a booth. and

46:51

I'm sitting there's people around me and I have to urinate

46:54

violently. I have a drinking

46:56

nonstop. I have to pee really bad, but there's just

46:58

everybody who's talking, it

47:00

was crowded, There's no way to leave. So I just there's all

47:02

these empty glasses on the

47:04

on the on the table, so I just start

47:06

taking him. urinated?

47:10

Urinated? No. And I

47:12

filled up, like, four

47:14

glasses. And then I looked over and

47:16

there's a Bounces security guard. And I just go and I look

47:18

over, I make aite contact with him,

47:20

and he

47:22

just goes,

47:24

knew exactly what I was doing, but

47:26

didn't throw me out. It was just

47:28

like and then I was like,

47:31

hey, and then people are like, oh, because they saw, like, then now they're, like,

47:34

shot. Well, yeah, it was like, well, they've been

47:36

full of things. But I was like, no.

47:38

No. No. No. No. Don't. don't drink that because

47:40

all of a sudden there's just full glasses of

47:42

something. So and everybody's fucked

47:44

up and after after. Yeah. They're they might

47:46

take it. Yeah. Sorry to be I've never

47:48

missed at the bar. my

47:50

buddy in London, Brian

47:52

Bryant. Shout out to Brian. Brian

47:54

Bryant. Brian Bryant was so

47:56

annihilated, and he was and it was a

47:58

high bar. He's one of these, like,

47:59

really nice, fancy high bars. And he's

48:02

leaning at the bar like this. He's leaning on

48:04

it, and he's, like, pat and then he's, like, ready to pass on. I'm,

48:06

like, Brian, we gotta go. And my friend Tyler

48:08

said, we should, dude, we should get the fuck out of here.

48:10

He's gone. And he's, like, shut

48:12

up. Shut up. And I'm

48:14

trying to pull on his arm. And he's he

48:16

need any he gets like he

48:18

like snaps out. He goes, don't don't. And he gets serious. I was like, why?

48:20

And he goes, look down.

48:23

look down I his

48:24

cock is out and he's pissing all under

48:27

his ass. He's just wanted

48:29

to finish. By the way,

48:32

also, huge horse on this guy. I mean, a massive cock. That's why

48:34

I was like, oh, he would be in public because if he gets

48:36

kicked out, he wants his cock to be. I'll be like,

48:39

my bad. and walk to the bar. Right. It was

48:41

fucking dick out. because the bounce is not gonna tuck

48:43

your dick back in. They're not. No. They're gonna make

48:45

You do pull you out with it, though.

48:48

Oh, yeah. come on. Yeah. You wanna come on,

48:50

Brian. Oh.

48:52

And it's that bounces, Bobby. Well,

48:54

you ever seen somebody hook up at

48:56

show? Have you seen people have you ever known people to hook up at your show? feel your crowd might fuck

48:58

up the show. During no. Hook up. Hook up.

49:00

Hook up. Hook up during your show. What

49:03

do you hook up someone's fucking or doing something

49:06

during During the show? Yeah.

49:08

No. I don't I mean, not that I know of. I bet you

49:10

it's happened. with your

49:12

family will. Let me know it out. Well,

49:14

it's what I always love when they show that in, like,

49:16

stadiums. When, like, up in the raft, their A's game,

49:18

they'll show fucking.

49:20

Yeah. Yeah. That couple, she was sitting on his lap. And I was like, that leave

49:22

those people alone. That's great. That happened to me

49:24

in an Uber pool. This this

49:26

couple's hooked up. I was I was like,

49:29

Yes. I'm right. You were

49:32

jealous though. Let me join. fucking so

49:34

jealous then. Have you been playing

49:36

with my Oh, that shows? Had people proposed? No. Yeah. Like

49:38

three something shit like that. Have you had that?

49:40

Yes. For sure. Have you done it?

49:42

I've never done it. It's something

49:44

that's always intrigued me,

49:46

but I'm too guarded and weird. To

49:48

do it. But like you you've said before, it's

49:50

very nice of them. I think it's sweet.

49:52

to be asked for by a a couple I've had a couple of couples

49:54

ask me. A couple of couples. And it's how

49:57

many so a couple of couples at one time?

49:59

No. A couple of couples are

50:01

asked me over over the course of the time.

50:03

And been to orgies I've to. Right. I just stood there in my chips. I just

50:06

went to an orgy, and I stood there in my little

50:08

chips. They had a snack

50:10

bar? Yeah. Oh, or do you have

50:12

a snack bar? Really? The

50:14

veggie tray had no more ranch, which is a little fucking

50:16

annoying and a little, you know. I

50:18

would think it would have no

50:20

more ranch. That's just a kind of comedy you'll see

50:22

when Nick Swartzens on

50:24

tour. No. I've never had anybody fucking

50:26

at my

50:28

shows. Never? No. Like, just for some reason, I'm sure they had Your crowd

50:30

seems like it'd be weird. Oh, well, someone would give

50:32

somebody head in the rafter and up in the fucking Yeah. I

50:34

mean, if they're up

50:36

in the the rafties. So I'm saying this right now, if you're going

50:38

to Nick show like

50:40

this. If you're going to Nick show on

50:42

the rest the tour. I want

50:44

someone to suck or fuck someone at

50:46

this point at this point. Please do. Please,

50:48

please. Just make just be

50:50

discreet about it. Don't

50:52

be obnoxious. don't.

50:54

Please do. Please. Please. And send

50:56

me the footage at hey i fucked

50:58

at nick show at gmail

51:00

dot com. when I was gonna say one of my friends

51:02

told me a story about leaving a bar. Mhmm. So

51:04

we're talking about penis pulling. penis

51:06

pulling. Yeah.

51:08

This isn't like that, but it my friend was

51:10

fucking hammered with another friend of

51:12

my Doug Stannholt who's such a Bob,

51:15

Doug. Gray comic notorious drinker. And -- Yeah. --

51:17

so my friend was drinking with him, and

51:20

they were at some die bar, like, out

51:22

in, like, the desert or

51:24

something. Mhmm. And

51:26

my friend was getting kind of

51:28

out of control. I think he got into

51:30

it with one of the regulars. And the

51:32

bouncer comes over and he goes, hey

51:36

man, you gotta get the fuck out of here. And my

51:38

buddy's like, really? Why

51:40

don't you go fuck yourself? And the monster

51:42

goes? My friend told me that the monster goes.

51:44

Okay. Do you wanna do this the hard way or the

51:46

easy way? And my friend just goes, and he

51:49

told me this is just because I was like

51:51

fuck it. He just goes, hard

51:53

way and then

51:56

tackled, faced down, and just

51:58

dragged out by him and another bouncer.

52:01

just super ugly, like, smashed his

52:03

nose. But it is funny. And then afterwards, he

52:05

was, like, didn't regret he's kind of a he's

52:07

a tough guy, but it was just funny that he he was like, I just

52:09

wanted to see what the hard way it was. I just wanted to see just

52:11

to feel like, dude, if you're in a

52:13

desert bar, the hard way

52:15

it could be the hardest way. Yeah. It could be a

52:17

fucking taking up fire hose in your dick full of, like, ants or

52:20

something. I don't know. That is the kind of that is

52:22

kind of the

52:24

desert thing. fire hose ants. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I know that's kind of their

52:26

vibe. How do you want the hard way? Here's the

52:28

box of tarantulas. We have to stuff them up your

52:30

asshole one by one. Yeah. Have you ever been

52:32

thrown out of

52:34

a bar? Like that, like aggressively thrown

52:36

out? No. No. I'm

52:38

pretty docile when I drink. I

52:40

don't get I'm not one of those

52:42

people that gets, like,

52:44

angry or just, like,

52:46

weird. Like, if I'm really drunk, III

52:48

know to go home. Yeah. I

52:50

don't like Have you been

52:52

tossed? No. No. I've never

52:54

been I've never been thrown

52:56

out of a ball. I've

52:58

been like, asked to leave if I'm with a group of rowdy

53:00

assholes. Right. That has happened to me.

53:02

Yes. Many. Yes. That has happened.

53:04

Actually one time, my little sister was

53:06

out here. and

53:08

my parents were out here. I don't even know what

53:10

we were celebrating. Like something, you know, I don't know. Maybe

53:12

it was, like, the premiere of a show I did

53:14

or something. And they're out here and we're at a

53:16

local bar that's not in West Hollywood anymore shutdown.

53:20

And this guy apparently grabbed my

53:22

sisters, but And she told me after the fact, I didn't know and she's like, yeah,

53:24

this fuck. I can tell she was upset. She's like, this

53:26

fucking guy. And at the

53:28

time, I I

53:30

had known the whole bar because I'd gone there all the time. And I'd known the the

53:32

managers and all the bar tenders and the

53:34

bouncer that night happened to be like

53:36

the one bouncer you want there.

53:39

who's, like, not only just huge,

53:41

but also will fuck shit up. Like, is you

53:43

know the other sponsors that are, like, are ready to fuck

53:45

shit up. Right. So they're waiting

53:47

they're like First, someone or someone. Yeah. Yeah. And be, like,

53:50

legitimately inappropriate. You know what I mean? I go

53:52

over and I say something to him. I go, this guy's

53:54

grabbing girl's asses and my sisters. And

53:56

he goes, show me the way.

53:58

And I literally show him to the

53:59

guy, and I go, hey, man, you're

54:02

fucking out of here. And he starts to kinda like he's

54:04

like fuck, who the fuck are you gonna

54:06

he's getting my face and all this shit. And the bouncer's, like, waiting for, like, a

54:08

fight to start. He it was actually clever. He

54:10

sat back because he was, like, waiting

54:13

for the guy to get aggressive because he could get aggressive and

54:16

justify. It was awesome. And he, like,

54:18

he was great. He was, like, wait. Like, it was, like,

54:20

David Andro, like, as the bounce

54:22

so white, beneath the crowd. Like, he was, like, hitting on the wall,

54:24

like, waiting there really, like, really

54:26

slightly. And the guy is, like, the fuck out of my

54:28

fucking face and then he

54:30

pushes me. And in the it's

54:32

almost like the moment his

54:34

hand touched my chest. The meaning oh

54:36

my god. And the pouch, I've never seen this

54:38

before. He grabbed him with two hands. by

54:40

the throat. And I'm not kidding. Oh. Pick this man up. Like like he

54:42

was a but it looked like he was a doll. He

54:44

picked him up and he drug him

54:47

and his feet were, like, dragging on the

54:49

middle of the park. It it it was

54:51

like them. And honestly, it was the because

54:53

I looked cool because then I turned on my

54:56

sister was just like, Thank you. And the

54:58

dudes actually knew, like, that was a mate.

55:00

Dad Dad Dad Dad Dadout came out of nowhere. I was

55:02

like, it was all very coordinated, but

55:04

it looked Super smooth. It was perfect. That's awesome. By his throat,

55:06

I'd never seen that. I mean, literally --

55:08

Yeah. -- that's fun to watch.

55:10

Yeah. I just like to It's

55:12

like And here we are

55:14

the douche bag in the wild. Yeah. He's now flexing. Somebody's

55:16

in his territory, and he's

55:20

and watch her as the bouncer

55:22

dismembers the douche bag within seconds by his

55:24

neck. By his neck. The

55:27

guy that grabs the girl's butt at the bar, man.

55:29

That guy that guy deserves to be drug out by

55:31

his neck. What are you doing? Yeah. What

55:34

are you doing? Yeah. To

55:36

just physically be inappropriate with

55:38

somebody is But the guy that

55:40

guy is a guy that exists at every

55:42

bar for for for since the beginning

55:44

of time. Yeah. Like, like, since the beginning of time, there

55:46

was a guy a caveman who

55:48

and they grabbed some girl's ass and

55:50

then fucking the faults. Yeah. It's a

55:54

it's a they did that, like I mean, not what they did, but, like, they said, like,

55:56

caveman, just, like, club people, and, like, club

55:58

women and, like, drag and bring them out or

55:59

see, like, like,

56:02

fucking psycho. I'm

56:04

surprised I just suck because I would like my

56:06

friends, I would always they would

56:08

never get like that. But I mean, there there

56:10

was times where I would have to

56:14

I would always tell my friends I'm like, did you gotta maintain

56:16

when we go out? You know what I mean?

56:18

Like, it's a marathon? Yeah. It's

56:20

a marathon and also when

56:23

you're with somebody who's, like, you know, a public figure people know who I am. Yeah.

56:25

You know what I mean? Like, you can't you're

56:27

an extension. Like, don't be a

56:29

fucking asshole. Right. It's

56:32

just, you know, just maintain. Have you had one of those moments where

56:34

someone did something that you thought would come back

56:36

at you? Because publicly, it was you were, like,

56:38

fuck. Did I look really bad? I've

56:42

had friends be assholes,

56:44

like raging assholes. And then you You

56:46

got a couple of things. You come over to me, and I'm

56:48

like, nope. want nothing to do with that person.

56:50

Don't know them. No. Then they're like, well, we're gonna

56:53

I'm like, go for do whatever you want. Get them out

56:55

of here. Like, I prefaced them before we bought

56:57

out. Like, hey, just keep it you

56:59

know, you can tell too when people, you know, it's like there is a meme

57:02

that I love every posted it

57:04

many times. And

57:06

it's from Toy Story, and it's Woody.

57:08

And the caption is when

57:10

you see your friend do that last shot

57:12

before they black out. Yeah. And

57:15

then it's What do you need? Just looking? He just goes,

57:17

so long, partner. It's

57:20

like everybody's been there. when

57:24

we when I post this on

57:26

Instagram, tag your tag your

57:28

friend who's the so long partner

57:30

friend. I'll tag my friends and they

57:32

fucking know. You didn't know who they are.

57:34

It is funny when you see the we went to

57:36

New Orleans for my buddy. Oh god.

57:38

We went to New Orleans and this guy that we were

57:40

within the group had had, like, as

57:42

kids, a family, and he's not been

57:44

away. Like, he hasn't had a night out and you can tell

57:46

in the poor fight. Oh, no. So he ruined the whole he

57:48

ruined his whole trip the first night we go

57:50

out and everyone's partying. and there's a

57:52

famous there's a famous liquor

57:56

drink in Chicago called Malore. Do you

57:58

know Malore? Yes. And a

57:59

lot

57:59

of people don't know Mallard. Mallard is

58:02

famously fucking like a joke shot

58:04

for people from Chicago to give to

58:06

somebody. And

58:08

the bartender had a Chicago, like, something had on, something

58:10

that had whether it was I think it was at the white box

58:12

or something. And one of the guys, like, oh, Santa Fe

58:14

knows from Chicago. I was like, good shit. He's like,

58:16

you want mallort and I started laughing and I was like, no. No. Thanks. And the guy

58:18

that's in our group was like, I'll do it. And I

58:20

was like, don't You don't need to do it. He's

58:22

like, I'll do it? I'll do it

58:24

right now. I was like, please don't

58:26

do it. He doesn't want the fucking shot. He was

58:28

already fucking wasted holding onto the

58:30

bar. Right. And I have video of this.

58:32

Sure enough. gives him a

58:34

shot him a Lord. And I was like, he's like, we all got in a

58:36

tank yet. I was like, we will. That's fine. And

58:38

he rips it. We all do it. And he

58:40

does that face that

58:42

you know where his body's trying to figure like, it's it's like doing a a really

58:44

intense math equation where it's like fuck, how do we

58:46

keep this down? How can we keep this down without him thrown up at

58:48

the barn? How do how much time do we I mean, he literally

58:50

was gone? It

58:52

was like it was his body was

58:54

like the internal machine was just

58:56

cracking down and he did that last

58:59

one of those things where it was just the air bubble.

59:01

Yeah. And all I did was try to turn his

59:03

head down. I was like, ugh, and I just turned his

59:06

head down. but wasn't enough time to -- Alright. -- all all over the fucking

59:08

bar. Yeah. because that's probably projectile. Oh,

59:10

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That comes out with a four. That

59:12

kinda yeah. But also the bartender was so

59:14

fucking cool that

59:16

he goes. he's gotta go, man. And I go, I know. And he's like, you

59:18

guys are fine, but he I'm sorry. He's gotta you guys

59:20

gotta send him home. So he let us stay. We

59:22

put him in an Uber back to the

59:24

fucking house. But I was like, this

59:26

guy in New Orleans must see this shit. I mean, it's

59:28

Sky Campground. Oh my god. New Orleans is

59:30

bonkers. I mean, I love

59:32

that city. So really

59:34

quick, when I was in Key West,

59:36

I did. I was at

59:38

the bar, and I'm like, oh,

59:40

when I just walk outside, throw up into

59:43

the street. Just walk back in. You know what

59:45

I mean? Wasn't a whole scene? I just walked out

59:47

-- Right. -- and then walked

59:49

back. Everybody knows. fucking maintain. But,

59:52

yeah, it's the puke thing. When I was

59:54

in New Orleans, one of the most strong

59:56

I was really I was nineteen.

59:59

And I had a fake ID and I was shooting a commercial

1:00:02

error. And me and my friend

1:00:04

Ross and Carrie Kenny from Rio 911

1:00:06

First time I remember. It

1:00:08

was nineteen ninety eight for for Parks Rupier.

1:00:11

And we went out and we

1:00:13

drank so much and I

1:00:15

was drinking Jamieson rocks, and

1:00:18

I was just drinking, like, water. Like, after a

1:00:20

while, like, certain obviously, as a

1:00:22

drinker, you know. it just goes down

1:00:24

like water. Yeah. Jamison rocks. I mean,

1:00:26

it was just like boom boom. And I

1:00:28

was so fucked up that I was, like, kinda

1:00:30

scared, like, I

1:00:32

was wasted. And I just started throwing up we're walking another

1:00:34

bar, and I just throw up into

1:00:36

my hands, and then

1:00:38

I just throw it off.

1:00:42

And my buddy goes, why don't you just throw up?

1:00:44

Why are you doing it into your hands?

1:00:46

And I'm like, I just I don't wanna

1:00:48

throw up on the street. So I thought it would be

1:00:52

rude. I was nineteen. I was young. I didn't

1:00:54

get a new city. So I just

1:00:56

threw up and then it

1:00:58

was dumb. But you think

1:01:00

after all the drinking that you've done over the

1:01:02

years, is everything

1:01:04

still okay on your insides now? Yeah.

1:01:06

like, shockingly, you're back to square one. Well, that's what I tell people is because

1:01:09

people well, honestly, you know and I

1:01:11

I don't wanna keep talking about I

1:01:13

mean, I did almost die. I've almost died a couple times from drinking.

1:01:16

Yeah. But I've always

1:01:18

maintained a really good diet

1:01:20

for the most part. That's it. And cut

1:01:22

dairy out twelve years ago. Dairy's really hard

1:01:24

on your liver. So that was something somebody

1:01:26

turned on to me. Information

1:01:29

that was invaluable because I

1:01:31

would always get sick. Football Sunday, I

1:01:33

would have pizza and get

1:01:36

wasted. And I would wake up

1:01:38

Monday sick. And then a friend of mine was like, yeah. Because

1:01:40

when you drink with dairy, your

1:01:42

liver's working ten times

1:01:44

harder. Not maybe not ten, four

1:01:46

times, whatever. working way

1:01:48

harder to process the dairy, so the alcohol

1:01:50

stays in your system. Anyway, so I cut

1:01:52

out dairy and then I just I take a lot of

1:01:54

vitamins. I take a

1:01:56

lot of a lot of stuff to just maintain, you know,

1:01:58

even like milk thistle or anything to just

1:01:59

keep your liver. What is milk thistle?

1:02:02

It's a it's a it's a it's like

1:02:04

an herb and Yeah. you it

1:02:06

tastes like shit, but you just put it in something to

1:02:08

kill the taste. You have what's the secret

1:02:10

one? What's your, like, secret sauce herb that you

1:02:12

take? You take, like, a ton of vitamins

1:02:14

every day. I take here's what I take in the morning.

1:02:16

Take your drink. No. I take

1:02:18

collagen. Oh. Collagen powder.

1:02:20

It's put in water. You barely

1:02:22

taste it. of

1:02:24

two cups of lukewarm water a

1:02:26

day, a cup of collagen water.

1:02:28

I take it matcha tea,

1:02:31

high class amount of tea. Mhmm. Mhmm. Meringa

1:02:33

powder, which is incredible. What is that?

1:02:35

I'll text it to you. Just look it up. It's just this

1:02:38

basically, it's been around

1:02:40

for centuries. and it's just really good for your body. Like, I think,

1:02:42

like, Mayans used it, ancient

1:02:44

Greece, Rome used it. I mean -- Okay. -- it's

1:02:46

been around.

1:02:48

I take that. I'll take apple cider vinegar.

1:02:50

I'll do like a super greens. Just

1:02:52

any kind of like they're like gummies

1:02:56

I have. like that and then I'll take and then I'll eat

1:02:58

breakfast and, like, eggs

1:03:01

and vegetables and then

1:03:03

I'll take, like, zinc and

1:03:05

stuff like that. No meat either. You don't eat

1:03:07

meat either? I I eat meat. Yeah. Okay. But

1:03:09

you just cut out just dairy. I cut out

1:03:11

dairy carbs and sugar. Jesus. As

1:03:13

much as I can. How the fuck do you not

1:03:15

have sugar? It's really hard. But I mean, we

1:03:18

fucking fucking we live

1:03:20

in a fucking world now. first of all, I'm not Willie

1:03:22

Wonka. I don't own a chocolate

1:03:24

factory. So it's not that fucking hard. There's

1:03:26

no, like, fucking

1:03:28

dark chocolate waterfall. I'm

1:03:30

gonna have dessert. When you go out to have dessert or

1:03:32

dinner, you don't have dessert. I do. But, see, this is my

1:03:34

thing. It's a fucking sore bay or some

1:03:36

bullshit. No. Sugar bay

1:03:38

is all sugar, but It is it. Yeah.

1:03:40

It's a perfect memory.

1:03:42

So here's what I do is I'd started

1:03:44

walking. That's how I lost weight is I

1:03:46

don't take elevators. I take stairs everywhere.

1:03:48

and I walk as much as I conceivably can. And

1:03:50

I'll do push ups and stuff. Mhmm. So

1:03:52

you don't need all this shit. You

1:03:55

don't need a Peloton and

1:03:57

a fucking robot. This episode brought you

1:03:59

by Peloton. I know. Sorry, Peloton. They're

1:04:01

really cool, but No. You're saying minimal

1:04:03

stuff gets gets it done. Yeah. I'm saying if you can't

1:04:05

afford a Peloton, walk, take stairs -- Right. -- you know what

1:04:07

I mean? So, you know, that's what I do for exercise.

1:04:10

Anyway, my point being is that I

1:04:12

earn my

1:04:14

dessert. So essentially, like, if I am

1:04:16

active enough during the day, if I go to

1:04:18

dinner, I'll be like, okay, I'll get a

1:04:20

dessert. You know what I mean? But no sugar.

1:04:23

I mean, sometimes you have to. I mean, I'll cheat, you know, fuck it. Yeah. I

1:04:26

don't care. I mean, you don't you don't live

1:04:28

forever. Spoiler

1:04:30

alert. That's just the kind of knowledge I dropped onto our

1:04:32

nick sorts and dot net. But

1:04:34

yeah. No. And it was funny. So I

1:04:37

was on a cruise ship. and

1:04:40

I'll be on the train, the band train, I'm doing that

1:04:42

cruise. I'm performing on that. When is that? I'm

1:04:44

really excited. That's February seventeen to

1:04:46

twenty one. How do you know those guys?

1:04:48

You They were fans. Okay. It's Sarah's a fan pat. He's awesome. He's like, come

1:04:50

on the boat with us, dude. Yeah. I was one of

1:04:52

the two. this boat thing now. Oh, dude.

1:04:54

There's a huge With three eleven,

1:04:58

That one I saw. I saw you do that. I did that with Doug Benson.

1:05:00

Yeah. Benson did it. That's right. Yeah. And that that's a side

1:05:03

story. Jesus Christ. Love three

1:05:05

eleven. That band I

1:05:08

mean, that's cruise was so fun. That's the most drugs I've seen

1:05:10

people do ever. Here's Silver.

1:05:12

Right? Yeah. They weren't partying.

1:05:16

I'm saying, like No. But it's funny to me that, like, they're after all those years,

1:05:18

they're associated with, like, party like,

1:05:20

they're all sober. That's what I've heard.

1:05:23

Yeah. I mean, I didn't see them going on. So anyway,

1:05:25

that's a separate story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's other cruise

1:05:27

ship, and it's fourteen levels on the

1:05:29

ship. And I'm walking up and

1:05:31

down the stairs. So my friends are all

1:05:33

taken elevator. And I'm walking up the stairs.

1:05:35

I'm like, alright. Bye. And they're like,

1:05:38

really, the stairs. I go, why don't I have

1:05:40

dessert tonight? There's an

1:05:42

elderly lady, probably eighty years old,

1:05:44

taking the stairs with me. Sold out of the

1:05:46

railing, and she looks at me. It was

1:05:48

amazing. It was so beautiful. and she turns

1:05:50

to my friends, she goes, you've

1:05:52

gotta earn your dessert.

1:05:54

And I was like, exactly.

1:05:57

And then I fucking just a fucking You

1:05:59

push it

1:05:59

on the stairs to do it after like moral

1:06:02

combat. I just

1:06:04

seems like, and

1:06:04

she fucking went back and landed on her feet.

1:06:06

And she was like, you

1:06:08

earned your dessert. Crew ships. No. Thank you.

1:06:10

No. But but my point being decided, you

1:06:14

know, she's she got it motherfucker. That old bitch she's eighty. Yeah. She's

1:06:16

dead now for sure. There's no doubt. Oh. She

1:06:18

got it c. Yeah. I

1:06:20

just went. god.

1:06:23

Right, Dominic. I'm sure. I can't

1:06:25

I can't do boats at sea for days at a time.

1:06:27

It scares the shit. Like that one. I have

1:06:29

people that have phobias like that Half people. I know people there. I'm

1:06:31

a half person. I don't I don't oh, no. No.

1:06:33

No. It's pretty Yeah. I have friends that I gotta do a

1:06:35

a thing with Bill Bur

1:06:38

about it. because he's always shits on cruise ships. So I did a Nick

1:06:40

Swartz and a friend show -- Mhmm. -- and he

1:06:42

went out and he's like, Yeah. fucking bullshit. Fuck

1:06:44

this man. And

1:06:46

I went after him and I'm like fuck you, Bill.

1:06:48

You're fucking wrong. And then I

1:06:50

did my pro cruise ship thing.

1:06:53

And, you know, we talked about it. But, yeah,

1:06:55

I know people that hate them. Like, hate them. I

1:06:57

just feel like when people that are afraid of them.

1:06:59

You're out you're out there. You're out there.

1:07:01

you're just you're out there. Like, you're you're just so like,

1:07:03

I was on a boat for a week in Italy,

1:07:05

but we docked at a fucking port or we

1:07:08

were in a Marina area.

1:07:10

Well, you always there's always a port.

1:07:12

You guys you sleep every night in a

1:07:14

port? Well, not every night, but if that's what I'm saying,

1:07:16

there's nights where you're just out at sea. Right? Right.

1:07:18

But it's like maybe one day. Yeah. But I don't wanna be out in

1:07:20

the middle of the ocean at night in case some shit

1:07:22

doesn't jump off the boat. Nobody

1:07:26

wants to on the fucking thing anyway. I can't do them. I'll never

1:07:28

step foot on a cruise ship. I prom. I I just

1:07:30

I cannot. Well, what if you're drinking

1:07:33

the whole time? then

1:07:36

then I'll start thinking about it even more. I'll be like, no.

1:07:38

You won't. And I'll Drinking disarms all that

1:07:40

shit. It really does. It gets rid of it. I'll probably jump

1:07:42

off the boat when I drink. I don't mind being

1:07:44

known for. But I just something

1:07:46

about all those humans too. It gives me

1:07:48

the creepy, creepy. Yeah. You get a nice

1:07:50

cabin. You can fucking Do any cruise

1:07:52

ships have? Alright. I'll come with you on the cruise. --

1:07:54

idiot. Come with me on a cruise ship. You'll have

1:07:56

fun. Let's do it. It's so fun. Honestly,

1:07:58

why why don't you do a comedian cruise

1:07:59

tour? That would be fucking dead

1:08:02

kids. That's why. I I

1:08:04

don't know why they

1:08:06

haven't done that. Like, why

1:08:08

comic hasn't done that? Like, I kinda wanna

1:08:10

do because I toured with Sandler and Spade.

1:08:12

I have before and Adam's going on tour

1:08:14

again by the way for people out there. He's going

1:08:16

on tour. But

1:08:19

yeah. Like, a whole comedy cruise would be so fun.

1:08:21

Well, then let's set it up. This will be the first

1:08:23

time I get on a cruise ship is with

1:08:25

you because you can Who would go on

1:08:27

call me, Chris. Let's say it's you me and what? Bobby.

1:08:30

Bobby. Theo would be

1:08:33

Bobby would do

1:08:35

it. Maybe. Cricher would do it in a fucking

1:08:37

heart. Wouldn't you mind? Or would a heart son do it? Tom might do it,

1:08:40

actually. That would

1:08:42

be all you would need. four or

1:08:44

five comics? I mean, if you had five or six To because

1:08:46

you have to sell out the whole like, because they rent the whole boat for you

1:08:48

guys. Right? Yeah. It's you have the whole ship. Like,

1:08:50

how many people were on the three eleven boat?

1:08:54

forty? forty Forty

1:08:56

thousand? Forty thousand? Forty billion. No.

1:08:58

I don't know. It's

1:09:00

it's a couple thousand.

1:09:02

but it was so fun. Yeah.

1:09:04

Three eleven's great. And then they had

1:09:07

other bands. I mean, stick figure was

1:09:09

on there. I mean, it was How

1:09:11

big is the room that they perform in? Is there like a huge ballroom

1:09:13

or do they perform? Like, they perform in

1:09:15

each cabin. Everyone

1:09:18

gets their own show. So but did they tell you when they're coming into your room or no?

1:09:20

No. Usually, they just you wake

1:09:22

up and there's Nick Hexam. Yep. Down

1:09:25

down. That's

1:09:25

when they put

1:09:27

you to bed. Yep. That's all I would

1:09:29

ever receive. It's a night sun. Not a mess. And my English will be god. You're like,

1:09:31

you guys I'm trying to

1:09:34

take a shower. Can you get the fuck out of my room? Mhmm. Three

1:09:37

eleven. Exactly. Whoa.

1:09:40

The area is the color of

1:09:42

your energy. That's what they're saying to

1:09:44

me. it's nice because they walked me

1:09:46

on the bathroom. But no, it's really fun. But the three eleven cruise was the most drugs ever

1:09:49

seen. People

1:09:52

are just using their money after it. Do they check

1:09:54

you when you get on the boat for? Like like, his people can't bring your own liquor and all that stuff. Do they check their

1:09:56

bags and all that

1:09:58

bullshit? How did they come? wonder

1:10:00

how that well, did you get on the boat? Did they

1:10:02

not check any of your shit? I don't have any drugs. No. Your bag did not look to your bag at all do security? go through

1:10:05

a thing, but I mean, I don't know. Yeah. Metal

1:10:07

detectors are probably at most. I

1:10:10

mean, I, you know, I think a lot of it was, you

1:10:12

know, I mean, I shouldn't spoiler

1:10:14

alert people do drugs -- Yeah.

1:10:17

-- whatever. But

1:10:20

I remember When I did the train

1:10:22

cruise the first time, I was at the hotel the night before,

1:10:24

and I'm

1:10:27

at this couple or it was it was a granddaughter and her

1:10:29

grandmother, and they were going on the train cruise. And the grandmother was like sixty. You

1:10:31

know, she wasn't like super

1:10:33

old. The daughter was like

1:10:36

twenty two. granddaughter. And the grandma's

1:10:38

like, she goes, hey, I love your comedy,

1:10:41

and am

1:10:44

I cool. And she goes, do you wanna do you

1:10:46

wanna drink? And I go, yeah, I gotta cocktail right here. And she had a bottle of shampoo.

1:10:51

And she goes, you this? go, no, I

1:10:53

don't drink shampoo. It's weird

1:10:55

you would think. And then

1:10:57

she was like, no. No.

1:10:59

It's not shampoo. It's fireball. And she had

1:11:02

emptied, like, eight shampoo bottles -- Oh, yeah.

1:11:04

-- and filled them with fireball. Good for

1:11:06

her. So she could, like, get them on.

1:11:08

Yeah. And

1:11:10

I'm like, how thoroughly did you rinse such?

1:11:12

She was like foaming at the mouth. And I'm like,

1:11:14

no. I'm kidding. It's your two in

1:11:17

one. I'm congesting my

1:11:20

teeth. So but no. She

1:11:22

was drinking it. I'm like, no. I'm

1:11:24

good. Like,

1:11:26

I still don't I still don't want it. Shout out to grandma

1:11:29

for fucking being being And then so

1:11:31

clever. We set the

1:11:33

bar, drink, drink, drink, drink, and then the

1:11:35

hours, she goes by. And then somebody goes, hey, to the

1:11:38

girl, she goes, your grandma

1:11:40

fell down in

1:11:43

the parking lot. And she's like, oh, okay. And

1:11:45

she just leaves. There's no emergency. It's like That's Nana. Nana

1:11:48

got shampoo

1:11:50

with urine. Alright. So you know what? I'm gonna go on the train tour. I'm announcing it right

1:11:53

now. I'm skipping out whatever I was gonna do in

1:11:55

February. It doesn't matter. I'm coming.

1:11:57

Yes, I can. I'm gonna buy tickets right now and I'm gonna

1:11:59

go. You should look at it. It's really fun, man. I I maybe I will. We

1:12:01

should look into doing a cruise thing, and maybe that

1:12:03

would convince me as long as we Maybe he's out

1:12:05

there and they're listening on how to do that. I mean,

1:12:08

I could probably

1:12:10

figured out. But leave in the comments when we post this, would people go on a cruise tour? Yeah. It's me and

1:12:12

Santino. you

1:12:17

get to pick three other comics. Pick them down below. Name

1:12:19

them down below. Pick what? Yeah. Name in

1:12:23

the comments. a cruise ship, me, Santino, three fucking comments. Now I'm kind

1:12:25

of excited to do this. Believable. You know what I

1:12:27

mean? You can't say, like,

1:12:29

Sam Kennison or something.

1:12:32

Yeah. Carlin, Thank you, Brian. We'll get him.

1:12:34

Charlie Chaplin. Alright. Leave it down below. And in the meantime, when you're clicking around

1:12:36

the Internet, please go to

1:12:38

next sports and dot net. and

1:12:41

buy some tickets to go see my little prince

1:12:43

live. He's got probably fourteen more cities left

1:12:46

for thirteen more cities.

1:12:48

He's one of the funniest people to ever grace

1:12:50

this earth tomorrow night. Come see me, Denver. Please come see your boy tape my special. See you special. Again, one

1:12:53

of the funniest people. Tomorrow tomorrow.

1:12:55

Come out Denver, Colorado. we

1:12:58

understand the same way. Look in that camera and you

1:13:00

say one word or one phrase that's gonna end

1:13:02

the episode for the rest of time when

1:13:05

you're ready. Squeeze.

1:13:09

point

1:13:12

In

1:13:13

here, we pull. Whisk. Whisk.

1:13:15

Whisk. Whisk. You're that creature

1:13:18

in the ginger beer.

1:13:20

Sturdy. Ginger.

1:13:22

Like that. The gingerbread. Yes.

1:13:24

Ginger's up hughes. You want me

1:13:26

five dollars for the whiskey for seventy

1:13:28

five dollars for Ginger are

1:13:31

here now. Let's Swiss confuse. Ginger. I like ginger.