Episode Transcript
Transcripts are displayed as originally observed. Some content, including advertisements may have changed.
Use Ctrl + F to search
0:00
This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by
0:02
rabbit hole distillery, and they're one of
0:04
a kind Kentucky Bourbon Rye whiskeys. I
0:06
love rabbit hole. I've talked to you guys
0:09
about them before. I'm a big fan of
0:11
the rabbit holes. They got
0:13
four different vibes. They've
0:15
got the cave hill. the boxer
0:17
grille, the high gold, and that derringer that's
0:19
finished in Sherry Cast. What I love
0:21
about this is a lot of places brag about small
0:23
batch. That's something that you hear lot in the bourbon
0:26
world. But I gotta tell you, they're
0:28
super small batch. They're extremely exclusive.
0:31
That's under fifteen barrels. under fifteen
0:34
over there. So you know the quality
0:36
will be there in every single bottle and
0:38
that's what I like consistency, baby. It does tastes
0:40
the same every time you take a sip from any bottle. And
0:42
trust me, I've ripped through 1234567855
0:45
I've ripped a lot of bottles. They've ripped
0:47
through a lot of bottles. and they're very, very good.
0:50
This is my favorite is the Cahill. This
0:52
is their OG, their original, that's the original
0:54
bourbon release, the four grains, and this mash
0:57
are delicious. It is so good, man. I
0:59
really like this. I also love
1:01
the boxer Greyhound and their high
1:03
gold. The Darringer was finished in Sherry Castle, like I
1:05
said, you're gonna love it. And the best part about this
1:07
stuff to me is a lot of these places
1:09
talk about, you know,
1:11
toasted barrels and all that stuff. Everyone is
1:13
charred and toasted and it's
1:16
a low entry and it's never chill filtered
1:18
just as it should be. It tastes delicious. Go get
1:20
you a bottle of rabbit hole right now. Go to
1:22
rabbit hole distillery dot com slash drizzly
1:24
get it delivered and use that
1:26
promo code rabbit for five dollars off your first order once
1:28
again is rabbit distillery dot com slash treasly
1:30
promo code is rabbit for five dollars
1:33
first order, get yourself some rabbit hole drink
1:35
responsibly. What I wish you
1:37
did your fans. Welcome back to the show is your first time
1:39
joining the show. Welcome to the show.
1:41
Man, we got a good one for you today like Man Steve Harvey
1:43
Dunn say. It's Nick Swartzin.
1:46
Nicky Swartzin. He's telling jokes
1:48
from his face. He's on tour right now, and I'm done
1:50
with my tour as of
1:52
tomorrow. Tomorrow, Denver,
1:54
Colorado. I'm taping my special two
1:56
shows seven to nine thirty, At the Paramount
1:58
Theatre, Denver, I'm so happy to be shooting my special
2:01
in your city. I love Colorado so
2:03
much. It's a second home to me. Denver,
2:05
come out and see me andressantina dot com. Come
2:07
see me take my special tomorrow night, andrew
2:09
santino dot com,
2:11
enough rambling from me. Let's go
2:13
to the episode. In here,
2:16
we poor. Whisk.
2:16
Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk.
2:20
You're that creature in the ginger beer.
2:22
Sturdy. Yes. Binger. Like that.
2:25
The Ninja Genius. Instages are
2:27
pugels. You only five dollars
2:29
for the whiskey for seventy five dollars
2:31
for the whole ginger out here now. This
2:33
was confused. Tanger.
2:36
I like tenders.
2:39
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to which YouTube I guess today is one of my
2:41
favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guess what I mean once
2:43
again. Today, it is
2:45
Nick. So Worten. What?
2:47
Where is he? Where is he? Oh,
2:49
he's right there. Okay. Let me just start off
2:51
by saying, I don't get political.
2:54
I don't talk politics. Not typically. No.
2:56
That's not what I'm about, but I finally,
2:58
I'm at a breaking point where
3:00
I want to endorse vehicles.
3:05
Moose caught a ninety eight. That's
3:09
dude, honestly, go go Viking's way
3:11
to go. way to go. People you
3:14
good job beating the packers, dude. Yeah, man.
3:16
As you're very you're very exciting. You're
3:18
very proud yourself aren't you? I'm very proud of myself,
3:20
and it was a perfect timing because I
3:22
just started my first leg of the tour, so I wanna give a
3:24
shout out to Grand Rapids, Detroit, Indianapolis
3:27
and Pittsburgh Phenomenal Phenomenal. Thank
3:29
you for coming to shows. But I got
3:32
I watched the game just
3:34
as my show started. Mhmm.
3:36
So the Steelers are just won and over time.
3:39
And then the Vikings are just won. So
3:41
I went on stage with
3:43
so much energy that
3:45
I felt like the crowd is
3:47
kind of like, oh, you feel
3:49
like it was just Like, I I it
3:51
was just a fucking like so
3:54
I'm sure they're like, oh, he just stayed a and
3:56
size and ate all the sides of pumpkin before
3:59
he came on stage. But no, I was just so
4:01
fired up. So it's such a big win. Well,
4:03
she could start the season. Congrats. Also,
4:06
you know, my bears one
4:08
in week one, which is huge for me. No.
4:10
I was the the
4:12
bears lions and Vikings all won. I
4:14
know that's crazy. Look at us. Who are we? What are
4:16
we doing? Just end the season. By the way, this
4:18
episode will come out next week after
4:20
this this upcoming week's game that we
4:22
both end up losing and are
4:24
sad about. But for right now, Yeah. Right
4:26
now, we're totally happy. We don't know how that's
4:28
gonna happen. What did you play in Grand Rapids
4:30
at DGLC Live? Is that what it
4:32
is? Yeah. I played twenty Monroe.
4:34
Twinman Road. Yeah. That's GLC. That's GLC Live. Yeah.
4:37
Yeah. It was great. I like that because it's like in the
4:39
basement of a hotel. Yeah. It's like a
4:41
it's a it's like a huge theater in a fucking
4:43
hotel. Yeah. It was really nice. And
4:45
the green room is nice too. The green room is great.
4:47
And then the next is the bob. Oh,
4:49
yeah. The bob. So if you don't know what the
4:51
bob is, which you probably don't, Once
4:53
you live there, it's a complex that's
4:55
like, you know what I mean? They build bars and that
4:57
they just make it into like a fort.
5:00
Mhmm. It's not even like a bar.
5:02
It's just eight levels, and
5:04
there's, like, forty bars in it. So
5:06
cool. And in the Midwest, that's just danger,
5:08
Will Robbins. Well, that's who we really are. I just
5:10
got back from Chicago. That you just you
5:12
remember how much people can drink in the
5:14
Midwest. It's it's fucking
5:17
mind blowing, going home,
5:19
and then it's totally
5:21
normal to have a couple of beers,
5:23
you know, in the morning
5:25
ish. Right? With the cereal. Yeah. And
5:27
then have more of the beer in your cereal. roasted
5:30
flakes and then have, like, thirteen
5:32
beers at lunch or dinner and just drink through
5:34
the night until you go till you go
5:36
to bed. I mean, it's like that's the that is a very
5:38
normal way to live and drink in the Midwest.
5:40
Yeah. That's what's really funny because when at the
5:43
peak of my drinking, I
5:45
remember people would be like, they were looking me
5:47
like horrified. They're like, how can you
5:49
how can you just keep drinking like that? I'm like, I'm
5:51
from Minnesota. And then most of the time, you're
5:53
like, oh, like, then
5:55
it would just exfoliates everything. Oh.
5:57
Right. Do you think do you think Midwest drinks
5:59
more than Florida? Do you think Florida drinks more than I
6:01
think Midwest drinks weren't anybody. Really?
6:04
I would put because you know Florida is not
6:06
Go in the comments on this. I
6:08
would put Minnesota Wisconsin
6:10
begrudgingly. Yeah. Does
6:13
Chicago, Illinois, Michigan?
6:15
I'll throw in Iowa. I'm not gonna leave you
6:17
guys down. I would But I would say pound
6:19
for pound. I mean, it's fucking
6:21
insane. Yeah. It's absurd. It's
6:24
absurd. Who who thinks they make the list, but
6:26
they don't make the list at all? com
6:30
Like Saint Louis. Saint Louis,
6:32
I I would be I I would be scared of
6:34
them to drink with them. Really?
6:36
Yeah. I would say Narnia. the
6:39
people of Narnia. Yeah. They're wild creatures.
6:41
They kinda talk a lot, but they're
6:43
one of the things that can handle it. Have you had
6:45
one of those moments where someone's like, I wanna drink I can
6:47
drink you wanna a table -- Yeah. Totally. --
6:49
and you ruin it. I'm
6:51
like, fuckin' chicken, raiders
6:53
of the lost art. She's in that,
6:55
like, time Drew. Kevin, she's
6:58
just sitting there. That's me.
7:00
Fucking just crushing my labia. No
7:02
one's even come close. Okay.
7:04
I'm gonna say this for sure
7:06
UFC fighters. In my experience,
7:08
which is a lot, I've drank with
7:10
them, and it's not enjoyable
7:12
because they get to a point where then they
7:14
kind of wanna start doing
7:16
moves. So Oh, more.
7:19
Yeah. So this happened several times. This
7:21
is one story. A friend of
7:23
mine is UFC fighter. I'm not gonna say who it is. And
7:25
I was in Hawaii and I was
7:27
doing shows and I was fucking on it. I was
7:29
just going out partying and I
7:31
came a week early -- Mhmm. -- drinking
7:33
and then I'm like, hey, let's drink. And he
7:35
goes, no. I'm not drinking right now. And his girlfriend's
7:38
like, yeah. He's not. And I go,
7:40
come on, dad. Like being a dickhead.
7:42
So he's like, no. And so every
7:44
night, me and my buddies would get
7:46
drunk, and he wouldn't, every
7:48
night, and I would have barbecues, whatever.
7:51
Last night, we go out for sushi
7:53
and we're doing saki bombs. I'm like bro, I
7:55
mean, it's my last night and
7:57
he looks at me and he goes, okay,
7:59
you want
8:00
me to drink? And I'm like, Yeah.
8:03
And he goes, okay. But
8:05
let me just tell you this right now.
8:08
You wanted this. And I'm like, Oh,
8:10
good. It's like so dumb. Like a
8:12
child. Yeah. Like a child. And
8:15
he's like, okay. So boom boom.
8:17
We just start getting after it. and
8:19
he starts getting, like, like, the
8:21
fucking hulk. Like, a hulk,
8:23
seabreeze at hulk. Just seabreezes.
8:26
And then he all of sudden
8:28
starts doing moves where I'm like, out.
8:31
And everyone's like, hey, stop. And he's like,
8:33
what? And he just goes into, like,
8:35
lights out. Yeah. And he he fucking
8:37
strokes out my friend at David Busters.
8:39
Showed him out my butt fell on the
8:41
ground, starts foaming, and
8:43
we're all like, And then my
8:45
buddy wakes up like like twenty
8:48
eight days later. It was like twenty eight
8:50
seconds later. And he's like, what?
8:53
And we're oh my god. And now we're
8:55
just scared. Yeah. And now it's like not enjoyable.
8:57
And then he put
8:59
a fucking beer on my head and did
9:01
a jump kick and kicked it off.
9:04
Which yeah. That's why I wasn't
9:06
enjoying? No. because I was like, well, I mean, I could
9:08
die. Yeah. So long story
9:10
short, it it was just the next day No
9:12
UFC fighters ever. The next day
9:14
I call him and he just
9:16
goes, don't even say
9:18
anything. I go, no
9:20
button. He goes, nope. What did I
9:22
fucking say? Yeah. He goes, I would get,
9:24
like, fucking crazy. I'm like, yeah.
9:26
Yeah. You did. The last time
9:28
that I was at a DNB
9:30
was Dave and Busters. What I last
9:32
time was at Dave and Busters was
9:34
New York after SNL
9:36
had, like, the after after party?
9:38
And I had friends on the show and I went and
9:40
visited because I wanted to see Drake. And
9:42
Drake rented out
9:44
Times Square, Dave and Buster's for the
9:46
after after party. and I want to
9:48
spend hundreds of dollars. It's
9:52
free ski ball, all night
9:54
long. That's insane. And I went in there playing
9:56
games and stuff and fucking around. And of course, in the middle
9:58
of all this, like, fun, two
10:00
chicks clearly
10:01
who are there for the same celebrity.
10:04
Like, you can tell it's like, crowded
10:06
around this person, not gonna say who.
10:08
And -- Right. -- it is not
10:10
Drake, by the way. Another but it was
10:12
so cute. Bobby Lee. It was Bobby
10:14
Lee. They were all there for Bobby. And these two women
10:17
started fucking going at it, and it was like hair was
10:19
getting ripped off. and they were beating the
10:21
shit. It was so fun to watch a girl fight
10:23
because I hadn't seen a girl fight since we were in, like,
10:25
high school. I saw, like, two girls fight surfing.
10:27
They're so fucking cool. because
10:29
it's endless. With guys, when guys fight,
10:31
you're like, oh my god. You Like,
10:33
pretty quick. Yeah. You're like, guys guys
10:35
latch onto hair. Mhmm. And then it's
10:37
like, they come around and then it's
10:39
just both hair. I love to
10:41
watch the hair the hair struggle and
10:43
the flying fingernails and shit.
10:45
Yeah. I I love girl fight. I watch that documentary
10:47
about that the the the
10:50
the the female boxer, like, one of the greatest female
10:52
boxers on untold on Netflix. And it
10:54
was a, you know, like, how she was
10:56
touted as, like, the best Tyson thought she was, like, the
10:58
greatest female boxer of all time. And her life
11:00
story behind that, I don't wanna give it away is
11:02
insane. But to watch her, throw
11:05
punches. It's it's wild hound. You're with a
11:07
running show? Yeah. Oh my
11:09
god. Yeah. That's
11:11
amazing. She was killer, dude. She
11:13
was killer. Wow. No. It
11:15
was incredible to watch her throw
11:17
because it was even Tyson was, like, this is the hottest
11:19
I've ever seen someone throw as a woman.
11:21
And I also watch the mic doc the mic show, which
11:23
I don't wanna see that. It's good. Well, sometimes,
11:25
you're in handy companies to wrestle women.
11:27
Oh, dude, that's so amazing.
11:29
If you don't know that. If you don't know who Andy
11:31
Kaufman is, just look him up. Yeah.
11:33
And he's a comedy icon and just a
11:35
complete anomaly as
11:37
a performer, and that's Look at Daniel Day Lewis was
11:39
a comedian. Like, in terms of, like,
11:41
burying himself in something Oh,
11:43
yeah. He worked at that. But it was, like, a
11:45
role. he so what he did was he never knew if he
11:47
was real or not what he was doing. And he was
11:50
doing stunts, and he had an alternate persona.
11:52
And there's a movie man on the moon that
11:54
Jim Carrey played him. Yeah. but
11:56
he wrestled women. Like,
11:58
in a ring, he would physically wrestle
12:01
He went on letterman and and went on
12:03
letterman promoted it. and he
12:05
had a woman on and Basically wrestled
12:07
women to the ground, like And hard. It was this
12:09
was not a joke. No. No. No. This was not a joke. I mean,
12:11
I don't know what it was. It wasn't wild. But
12:13
the only thing that kinda busted was what's his name
12:15
was Lalor, Jerry Lalor. Jerry Lalor. Jerry
12:17
Lalor. That was a a little bit of a bit.
12:19
They admitted later. Right? think
12:21
so. Yeah. So Jerry Lawler is a big wrestler at
12:23
the time. Right. Called Andy out. It was like, why don't
12:25
you fight men? And then they just that
12:27
you can YouTube that. We won't spoiled. No. We don't spoil
12:29
it. But also but the women one, he
12:32
did get he got sued by a bunch of different
12:34
women, like, it was wild. He actually, like,
12:36
what do I mean, he did I mean, if you get in the ring,
12:38
I mean, guy who was promoted, but he didn't
12:40
just go up to women on the street and
12:42
fucking that David Busters
12:44
jump off the fucking papa shot
12:47
publish it. started snapping. He
12:49
was he was incredible. But I think if you tried
12:51
to do anything like that today, performance art at
12:53
that level, you'd it would you'd never get away
12:55
with it. It's just a different We can't
12:57
move anything now. No. It's just a different time
12:59
back then. I mean, my favorite was what was the story
13:01
recently where, like, a woman
13:03
flipped out because Schwartz
13:05
and I are farted on her? No. Is that
13:07
real? Do you hear about that? No. I think it was real. But
13:09
I again, I don't even know what's real anymore.
13:12
Yeah. This woman, I'm pretty sure, and she
13:14
said that he deliberately farted
13:16
into her face when he was either
13:18
standing next to a walking buyer. And that's if
13:20
that's real, that's where we're at, you know. farming
13:23
is so I mean, but I
13:25
mean, that was a story. Yeah.
13:27
That that she was she was,
13:29
like, I don't know what how it was gonna
13:31
escalate with her. But, I
13:33
mean, chewing for farting on you. I I yeah. I
13:35
don't know. It's When you're on a when you're on,
13:37
like, a zed assault, Oh,
13:39
shit. Yeah. Oh. That's just the kind of
13:41
material here on Nick Swartz and not
13:43
Matt for Georgia. Okay. When
13:45
you're in an elevator, if you have to fart,
13:47
will you do it? So my buddy just
13:49
told me about a thing that he loves to do
13:52
where he works at office building
13:54
and he will go and
13:56
will hold a fart until the elevator --
13:58
Mhmm. -- because he just loves to have
14:00
people walk into it. You know what I mean?
14:02
It's just like walking into, like, a force field
14:04
where it's like, And he
14:07
just loves it and he just laughs and
14:09
he'll be like, yeah, the guy just got
14:11
off. Dick. Fucking Rick.
14:13
Well, you gotta be great. What you can really do is
14:15
pretend like they walked on with it. So you're
14:17
standing there. And when they walk on, go, oh
14:19
my god. Oh my god. Look,
14:21
like, right at my god. What did
14:23
you say? one of those, like,
14:25
really, bro? That's
14:28
where that Fritz didn't really want. Really?
14:31
It doesn't matter who it is.
14:34
Now if six or bros,
14:36
dude, I will almost always fart
14:38
when I'm in a congested space. on the New
14:40
York, farted on it. I love
14:42
it so much. And I like it. I just I
14:44
like the because I like the eyes. You
14:46
get hard. I like to yeah. That's how they
14:48
know. Perhaps. That's how they know. I
14:50
like people reading a book and when they when
14:52
they they do that thing for a second. And they
14:54
look around because they're like, Jesus. Christ.
14:56
I love I love the darting eyes.
14:58
That's it for now. So, I mean, I used
15:00
to love doing that at bars, and this
15:02
is back when I used to eat dairy. I don't eat dairy
15:05
anymore, but I would get I would just
15:07
have gnarly farts and my
15:09
friend, Pat, to Luca, one of my close
15:11
friends. And I would just I
15:13
would let the mist out. It was
15:15
almost like where it would just
15:17
where you would see it, like, on the floor, where,
15:19
like, mist would Yeah. And like a movie,
15:21
whatever. Slowly feeling with fun. And I would just wait.
15:23
because Pat had a really keen sense of smell,
15:25
which is great. If you have friends, I
15:27
have certain friends that their smell is so
15:29
strong. So Pat would be like He'd
15:31
be like, yeah. So, yeah, the game starts and then,
15:34
I'm fucking fucking come on,
15:36
man. And I
15:38
tiers than my eyes. Like and
15:40
he would always know it was me, but I just
15:43
or I would start laughing. Everybody knows
15:45
that move. where I would start like a
15:47
tier, would start going, and I'd be
15:49
like, and then and Pat
15:51
would be like, no. No. you.
15:54
Fuck you, man. He gets so
15:56
mad. And it's like, when you
15:58
know it's coming, it's the mess. It's so
15:59
It's a weapon. The
16:02
anticipation really is a weapon. Yeah.
16:04
It's a little secret sneaky weapon
16:06
to let out let other people slowly
16:08
get it. Yeah. I like when people pretend like they don't
16:10
smell it. That's my favorite. When they go, I
16:12
don't I don't smell it. Or
16:14
if you say somebody
16:16
fart and then people act like they smell
16:18
it. I'll be like, who did that? And
16:20
somebody be like, come on man,
16:22
but nobody did. So that's
16:24
another fucking mine, but I
16:26
just talked about fart fart on fart ons.
16:28
fart on holland Williams podcast.
16:30
Oh, you did? No. I already have a site. Well,
16:32
let's move off a farthest. I
16:34
can't let that identify me.
16:37
Women, you know, it's it's
16:39
us. Diarion fart is kinda your brand. Yeah.
16:41
I know. It's funny. It's part of your shit.
16:43
It's part of my shit. We'll be
16:45
right back.
16:49
Yeah. So you when was last time you had a drink,
16:51
by the way? I had
16:53
one drink over the last, like, two
16:55
and a half months. But I I'm
16:57
gonna, like, drink again. I just I
16:59
it's great being busy -- Yeah. -- with
17:02
movies and stuff and touring.
17:04
But so I just don't wanna I just have a lot
17:06
to do and I wanna I don't wanna, like, clean
17:08
it around. Yeah. I mean, there's
17:10
so much travel in the shows
17:12
I'm so excited about. and the
17:14
next stop is Texas. So to be Dallas, San
17:17
Antonio, Wisconsin. And then
17:19
back to the middle restaurant, Chicago, Iowa,
17:21
Madison. What are you doing in Chicago Theatre? Yeah.
17:24
favorite. Beautiful. Yeah. I love it. It's
17:26
so pretty, man. It's such a beautiful theater. And it's
17:28
for me, it's just classic. It means something for
17:30
me as a kid. We would go you'd go
17:32
there for, like, shows. Like, that's like a mayor what
17:35
is it? Joseph and a
17:37
Technicolor dream coat. I went there as a
17:39
kid. Oh. That was gay when I was a
17:41
kid. Right. grew out of
17:43
it. Right. But you We cut right out of the
17:45
Technicolor. you. Yeah.
17:47
I wanna see Joe Coy in the Technicolor dream
17:50
code. Joe Coy and Technicolor -- Yeah. -- amazing Joe
17:52
Coy. The only thing Joe Joe
17:54
fucking work on that, man. Come on, Joe. Go
17:56
ahead. the Technicolor dreamcoat.
17:59
But, yeah, the shows have been great. And the the good
18:01
thing is is now that I'm older, like my
18:03
fans, it's not as chaotic because
18:05
I don't know. is I
18:08
fan base. I still do, which is
18:10
fine. Yeah. But, like, my shows would get
18:12
so rowdy.
18:15
that I went I went on social media on one
18:17
of my tours. And I was like, hey,
18:19
if you come to the show,
18:22
like, try to maintain a little bit. You know what I mean? Like, I'm
18:24
not slip not. You know what I
18:26
mean? It's like fucking just
18:28
chaos. And I only say that
18:31
shot out to slipknot because I did
18:33
a show in Indianapolis at the
18:36
Egyptian room. Mhmm. And
18:38
I was there the night after slipknot, and the
18:40
people were like, Thank god. And I go,
18:42
what do you mean? And they're like,
18:45
yeah. We we just had slipknot. We just been
18:48
cleaning up. the floor because there was, like,
18:50
blood and vomit. And
18:52
and they're, like, we're just relaxing
18:54
to have a comedian. And I'm,
18:56
like, wait for wait
18:58
for it. Yes. Night's not over.
19:01
There was more blood common faucet.
19:03
Nick Sportsman Show. than any of the episodes, I wouldn't
19:05
be surprised. One of my favorite stories I would tell
19:07
all the time in Orlando is I
19:11
show up and it was a performance art center.
19:14
So I walk in and I'm in the back
19:16
stage and I look at any of these big
19:18
signs for the Lion King and Phantom of
19:20
the Opera. and I look around and I'm
19:22
like, and I go,
19:24
hey, is this normally like a
19:26
music venue or enoch musicals and
19:28
stuff? And the guy's like, yeah. Yeah.
19:30
It's a performance art center. And I'm like,
19:33
okay. Do you guys have, like,
19:35
security? And he was
19:37
like, no. And I'm like
19:39
Mhmm. Okay. He goes, we have got ushers.
19:42
And I'm like, you know, let's do, like,
19:44
old people. They volunteered to be
19:46
ushers that For me, the median age is, like, eighty four for sure.
19:48
Exactly. So I was,
19:50
like, oh, no. And
19:52
then, of course, show comes,
19:55
people rowdy, I just stopped the show, so it fist
19:57
fight, girl fight, love, in the
19:59
balcony. And
20:01
we had stopped
20:03
the show. And then I was like, oh my
20:05
god. So I Show's great. I love
20:07
Florida. Get off stage. And the
20:09
guy comes back and he's like, Yeah.
20:11
Yeah, man. You weren't you
20:14
weren't wrong. And I'm like, yeah, I know.
20:16
Is it bad? And he's like, well, people
20:18
are sleeping in the bathroom.
20:21
They're cleaning up the vomit, and the bathroom,
20:23
and the miss vomit, and the aisles.
20:25
There was some vomit. And then we had
20:27
to get the fight, and we had to cut the call,
20:30
please. or I think and I was like, yeah.
20:32
I told I told you. But I
20:34
just picture these poor ushers. She's
20:36
lady's sleeping up, vomiting.
20:38
That's not Simba. Like,
20:40
they're just trying to, like, figure out
20:42
what's going on. They've survived world wars, you
20:45
know. Nick Swartz's comedy show
20:47
comes in hot. God bless though, dude. That's what you bring you
20:49
bring in the fucking heat. But, you
20:51
know, I'm I'm like, come to the show,
20:54
get drunk, But, like, I'm
20:56
I was the same way where I'm at
20:58
it myself because I missed so many
21:01
shows where I got so fucked up. I
21:03
don't remember Yeah. And they were
21:05
great shows. I know what I mean.
21:07
Like, I'm talking bobby
21:09
Lee live. Goodness.
21:13
No. But, like, I was just people would come
21:15
up to me and be like, oh, dude, I saw you in
21:17
San Antonio, loved it. I don't remember any
21:19
of it. Yeah. But I remember laughing. And
21:22
I'm like, So, you know, do whatever you want,
21:24
but keep in mind I'm bummed out for
21:26
shows, I've I've missed. Me too. I feel the same
21:28
way. I feel like it it's sad
21:30
knowing that there were shows that No.
21:32
I was there, but I wasn't there. Where you're
21:34
like, I don't remember much of that show. Yeah.
21:36
When I was three years old, I saw
21:39
led Zeppelin. Oh, really? How is it so
21:41
much peyote? He just blacked.
21:43
Don't even fuck. I fucking suck. How
21:45
do you how do you break through an hour
21:47
then if everyone is yelling? What do you
21:49
do then? Like, if you're trying to eat dog, they're people
21:51
are really cool. Like, once I get on,
21:53
they're they're they're really awesome because
21:55
it's tricky with because I have a lot of stories. You really have
21:57
to pay attention. Yeah. because there's details
22:00
to the stories and stuff, but
22:02
people are really, really good. I mean, I don't
22:04
I don't remember the last time I
22:06
was doing clubs full time as
22:08
a club comic, I did Carol lines on
22:11
Broadway, which I love. It's one of my home clubs in New
22:13
York. And the
22:15
crowd was probably
22:17
the rowdyest crowd I've ever. It was a
22:19
late show Saturday. Mhmm. And that was
22:21
when I'm like, I gotta do theaters just
22:23
to kind of because this is too
22:25
much. Yeah. And granted I was, like,
22:27
mid twenties, but it was
22:30
so, you know, so everybody was
22:32
young. My fan base and me. And
22:34
it was it was chaos.
22:36
I mean, New Yorkers now. It
22:38
was Jersey, New York. Yeah. So it
22:40
was just loud talking.
22:42
where they're not even realizing -- Right. --
22:45
like, eighteen had got me the
22:47
fucking drinking the rainbow ball. And I'm just
22:49
like, you you guys Like,
22:51
I don't know. But it was the
22:53
whole crowd. No. Sono crowd was everybody was
22:55
just loud and just like, this
22:57
fucking wreck. So I'm talking about, you know what
22:59
I mean? And I'm like, You guys
23:02
I'm up here. show. In here,
23:04
we pull Whiz. Hey. Are
23:06
you looking to design a website, but you
23:09
don't know to do. Squarespace
23:11
is the place I've talked about Squarespace so many
23:13
times on this show. I'm a huge
23:15
fan of Squarespace. What they do is they they
23:17
give you a template so you can
23:19
create amazing sites, whether you're selling something, whether you're
23:21
showcasing your work, whether you're
23:23
promoting something. Squarespace is the place to
23:25
do an all in one site It's pretty
23:27
incredible. I've used it over the years. I really enjoy
23:30
them. What I like about them, they got a video studio on
23:32
there. If you wanna do video editing right on
23:34
there inside Squarespace
23:36
is very convenient. They have email campaigns that connect
23:38
all your customers or fans or whomever you're trying
23:40
to reach out to. They use
23:42
all your connect social media accounts in
23:44
one place and they connect us all to analytics so
23:46
the data can show you where people are searching your
23:48
site from, where the traffic is driving, who's
23:51
clicking, and where are they clicking from?
23:53
Squarespace. I'm such a big fan of a talk to
23:55
you guys about using this if you're creating your own
23:57
site. And I say, hey, man, if you got a site and you
23:59
use my promo code. Let me know.
24:01
We got a website. This just buried co
24:04
dot com. They
24:06
specialize in funky after
24:08
life jazz baby. home handmade
24:11
curiosities including not limited to
24:13
signature coffin mirrors ranging in
24:15
size from one to six feet. Pretty well,
24:17
they get them coffin mirror. So you're into if you're into being
24:19
dead while you're alive, you gotta check these guys
24:21
out, shout out to just buried co, and
24:23
thank you for using Squarespace to
24:25
create your site.
24:27
Love to hear that. Keep sending us your website
24:29
at emissantino fan at gmail dot com
24:31
and we'll showcase your work that you've
24:33
done on Squarespace And if you're looking to build
24:35
a site and you wanna know how to
24:38
get a discount, go
24:40
ahead and head over to squarespace dot com
24:42
slash whiskey. squarespace dot com slash whiskey
24:44
for a free trial. When you're ready to launch the offer code
24:46
whiskey, of course, to save ten percent off your
24:48
first purchase of a website at romaine squarespace dot
24:50
com slash whiskey. Do you
24:52
like cars? You like cars? You know, I
24:54
love cars. I'm a big car guy. And if you're looking to
24:56
buy a car, it's kind of a nightmare as you
24:58
know. And that's why I'm here to tell you about
25:00
room, room is incredible.
25:02
Do not waste another weekend at a finance department
25:04
inside of a car dealership that you don't wanna
25:06
be at getting hassled and
25:08
haggled by bunch of dudes and suits,
25:10
cheap suits might I add, who are just
25:12
milling about trying to rip you off the best way
25:14
that they can, cut right through all the
25:16
fat and use of room Room is
25:18
incredible. Instead of going to a dealership, yeah, you can buy
25:20
a car from home, a park, a bench,
25:23
your bed, your bathtub. However,
25:25
you wanna buy at room, you can browse
25:27
thousands of cars in one place so you don't have to spend your weekend driving
25:29
out to a million different dealerships. And
25:31
when you shop on room dot com, you never have
25:33
to haggle or negotiate the price of
25:36
a car. It is what it is. And when you sell your car in
25:38
room, if you got a car to give away, sell it to
25:40
them and you got a price instantly. You don't have to waste
25:42
time at a dealership or deal with flaky buyers
25:44
that are doing a lot of back and forth. This is huge
25:46
for me. This is the future I believe because
25:48
dealerships are antiquated and they're not
25:50
that efficient and they're also a rip
25:52
off and they know they're ripping you off. That's why they're
25:54
winning. That's why they're always smiling
25:56
with that gold teeth. Yeah. Get in.
25:58
Payments are only seven hundred thousand
25:59
dollars a month
26:00
a month. but the car's only twenty grand. It's
26:04
disgusting. If room is entirely done online, check
26:06
out room if you're looking to buy or sell
26:08
your car, So next time,
26:10
you need to buy a car. Just grab your phone.
26:12
Go to room dot com and check out thousands of gray cars.
26:14
That's room dot com. Room
26:17
dot com. Tanger.
26:19
I like Tanger. Death I talk
26:21
I can't break it up anymore like I used to. It's hard. Like,
26:23
I used to be able to, like, bounce the crowd
26:25
But now it's tough for me.
26:28
If someone's being super distracting,
26:30
I can't I can't use it as much as
26:32
I used to because I'm trying to do this hour.
26:34
So when I'm in the my mindset, I get kind
26:36
of fucked up when people start getting, like,
26:38
over the top and all that bullshit, and they
26:40
start yelling. And you you want them to be involved, but you're
26:42
also like, don't fucking take the
26:44
show over and do the whole thing because then it's about you
26:47
and all this shit. And the other people are like,
26:49
oh man, fucking. Well, that's the thing.
26:51
Like, for me,
26:53
I can just deal with it. Yeah. If it gets
26:55
to a boiling point, I mean, I've
26:57
rarely thrown people out. It means that I can just
26:59
feel like, Dude, what do you do? You know, what are
27:01
you doing? Yeah. But I feel bad for the
27:03
people around them when and that's something about getting,
27:05
like, that wasted where I've had
27:07
people being, like, great show,
27:09
but People next to me were so just screaming
27:11
and blah blah blah blah. And that's when it sounds like
27:13
you don't wanna be that. I only threw out one guy in
27:15
San Diego. He threw a shoe at me.
27:17
a sandal. Oh my
27:20
god. Yeah. Through sandals,
27:22
India. because I made fun of
27:24
sandals who would have bottle openers on the bottom, you know.
27:26
Right. Yeah. had one, and he just
27:28
threw it right at me. And then he was
27:30
like, oh, dude, now you have to leave. Yeah.
27:32
And he lets us I mean, that's a
27:34
salt. He's like, I'm just kidding, dude. No. Fucking kidding. I'm
27:37
just fucking around. I'm just
27:40
fucking around. I'm just kidding,
27:42
dude. up with you, man. Warburian
27:44
fucking dick about it. Weird. And
27:46
then you were like, the sandal
27:49
boone long before That's just
27:51
the kind of material you'll see on tour.
27:53
Next sports and stuff. What do you know? Thirty five
27:55
cities? Forty cities? I don't know. I
27:57
don't know. I don't know. I don't probably
27:59
like thirty
27:59
five.
28:00
What's the most you've ever done on tour? I wanna look
28:03
right now and how many nicks works. And what's the
28:05
biggest show I ever did was twenty five
28:07
thousand. And that wasn't me. That
28:09
was me. Will Ferrell. No. I mean, how many cities?
28:11
Twenty twenty five thousand people that were you planning? Will
28:13
Ferrells at Galvanakis and Dmitry Martin.
28:15
Where was that at? That was in Ohio
28:17
State at their arena. 3456
28:20
That was insane. And
28:23
I don't know if I'd wanna consistently do
28:25
that, but 789 ten eleven. Yeah. He's
28:27
busy. But Sixteen six busy. Yeah.
28:29
You're doing twenty city. Twenty some odd cities, twenty two.
28:31
Could you have it some of them or multiple shows? Yeah.
28:34
That's right. Because I'm doing some clubs like
28:36
Tacoma. Yeah. You're doing We're in the Seattle
28:38
area. Tacoma is my only play because some more
28:40
theater was booked. I love
28:42
the Tacoma comedy club. So I'm there. And
28:44
then Portland, helium -- Yeah. -- and then
28:46
COGS in San Francisco. I love
28:48
jobs. Clubs I love. Yeah. No. There's
28:50
clubs that I'll always do. twenty
28:52
five thousand feels so It's
28:54
overwhelming dude. It was just
28:56
surreal. It was cool though, but it would be
28:58
like, you know, I would just tell a joke and I'd be
29:00
like diarrhea and I'd be like, It
29:02
was
29:05
like a slow roar.
29:09
Yeah. I So The slow build of diarrhea.
29:11
I did one with Rogen. The biggest one I think we
29:13
did was, like, I don't know.
29:15
Well, he does. Yeah. That's Twelve thousand. Oh,
29:17
nine to twelve thousand. Was kinda Those
29:19
were tough though. When we played Chicago, we played
29:21
the United Center with a bowl of
29:23
play. Yeah. That's insane. It was nuts. But, dude,
29:25
up in the top, you can see, like, the
29:28
top row like the top
29:30
concourse that's lit up, you know, for, like, you
29:32
know, for beer and concessions. Right. And
29:34
you could see even then, even the middle
29:36
of the show, thousands of people just walking around
29:38
to get beer. It's like a baseball game. It's a it's
29:40
a sporting event. Yeah. Literally. That's the
29:43
craziest shit. I know. It's
29:45
I mean, some venues have bars in them
29:47
like that, but also some theaters have
29:49
bars in the back. Yeah. And my age won't be like, do
29:51
you want me to kill the bar
29:53
during your show. And I'm
29:56
like, part of me is like, you know, I want
29:58
people to have fun and listen, but I was like, I'm
29:59
not gonna fucking You know what I mean? No. No. I'm
30:02
gonna my panic attack guy. I wouldn't
30:04
want that. I'd be like, what? I would have a panic
30:06
attack. Yeah. When I showed up, I might be
30:08
like, the it's not oh,
30:10
We're leaving. Get in
30:12
the car. Let's go. I had a friend of mine come to
30:14
my show in Key West. Shout out
30:16
Key West. And my friend came and
30:18
he's such a drunk. And
30:20
he came to the show, I set him up,
30:23
and he was, like, mad.
30:25
because he said the tickets got fucked up,
30:27
but then my friend was, like, No. He couldn't get a
30:29
drink right away. So he
30:31
just left. And I called him
30:33
out, I'm like, dude, why don't you just get
30:35
a buzz and then, you know, wait, and he
30:37
was like, No. The tickets of
30:39
Obalon was a mess, and I was like, no. He just
30:41
but anyway, like But the pre game You wanna
30:43
get there? Yeah. Pre game. Pre gaming is important for
30:45
them. But when they get there, they need to have the
30:47
regulator. You gotta have a cocktail? You have to. It regulates the pregame.
30:49
I'm not just judge But a new
30:51
pregame? Judge Jed. Are you not
30:53
Judge Jed? Not yet. Judge
30:57
Nikki. Look at little Judge Nikki and his
30:59
gavel. Do you have people I have people pregame
31:01
my shows. They do? Tailgate. I saw I
31:03
was actually, like, behind
31:05
Where were we? I was
31:07
behind
31:07
a venue, like, out back for a second,
31:09
making a phone call, and I see people out by where
31:11
the parking lot was. and him and his
31:13
girlfriend. I thought it was, like, so cute. It was, like, him and
31:15
his girlfriend had, like, just a little little little little
31:18
flask, you know, and they're both
31:20
ripping and handed it back to each other and they will smoke and sharing a cigarette
31:22
at the same time. It was like, oh, I
31:24
so badly wanted to be like,
31:26
hey, I love you guys. because
31:28
they're they're coming to see the show, but they wanna get in a
31:30
little bit of sauce before they get in there because drinks are
31:32
always expensive as fuck. Yeah. But it was cute to
31:34
watch them rip it together. And they and
31:37
then He's like, you finish it. She's like, finish it. And I badly
31:39
wanna be like, boom. Both of you finish it.
31:41
Both of you finish it. You walked up like,
31:43
I'll finish it. And
31:47
then just I drilled a
31:50
pumpkin, but I'm be like,
31:52
welcome now. I spun him like a basketball. I
31:54
put my finger in his ass, and I just
31:56
went green. like plates? Yeah.
31:58
I was doing that. Yeah. I was on America's
31:59
got talent. I've had people I've had
32:02
people get too fucked up with the show multiple times,
32:04
though. Denver.
32:05
Denver. Denver.
32:06
Denver is a big town for a
32:09
party. The last time like,
32:11
tomorrow night. Tomorrow night. I'm shooting my special and
32:13
Denver come out and say Oh, wow. Let me check.
32:15
And then but the last time or
32:17
two times ago, I was there. a dude was
32:20
I've had two two times people
32:22
have gotten taken out because of edibles,
32:24
like they've taken too many edibles. Right.
32:26
And they need to leave. One of them, a
32:28
woman passed out, fell. She fell on the
32:30
stairs. Right. You know, Denver has his like it's
32:32
like stadium seating inside the club, you know? Yeah. So
32:34
when she was coming all the way down and
32:36
she fell. and then I had to stop the
32:38
show and she was okay. But I was like,
32:40
what's wrong with that girl and her friends like, she
32:42
edibles too many edibles.
32:45
Why would she be Yeah.
32:47
I know. I mean, why don't you take an edible
32:49
before show? Yeah. But dude, not they take they
32:51
don't take they don't take fucking
32:53
anything. They're Wow. I love it,
32:55
dude. I fucking fucking go rogue. They go
32:57
fucking rogue, dude. Row Denver. I
32:59
love it so much. And then a dude in the front row, the last
33:01
time I was at Comedy Works was off his head on
33:03
mushrooms. And I was trying to have conversation with it because I
33:05
could tell because he was, like,
33:07
really animated. Like like, he'd laugh. He'd
33:09
be like, It
33:11
was like super animated. Yep. It was
33:13
awesome. mushroom land. And I was like, are you
33:15
good, dude? And and at some point, his buddy
33:18
is like, he's on
33:20
he's on eight of his And I was like, are you on mushrooms
33:22
too? He's like, much I'm on much less. And I was
33:24
like, oh, okay. So you're the babysitter. Then
33:26
he took half. He's on sick. Yeah.
33:30
Why? No. But honestly, though,
33:32
that's their they weren't disruptive. I
33:34
just had to say something Yeah. No. I mean, I
33:36
go fucking innovative. I just said somebody
33:38
that, like, I've done mushrooms. don't wanna go to I don't wanna
33:40
fucking go to anywhere, like, where it's
33:42
crowded or He looked like a like, the
33:44
the the alien escaping a body and men
33:46
in black. Like, it's coming out
33:48
of the fucking potty potty. Yeah. To your,
33:50
like, like, sloughing your
33:52
skin off. Now
33:54
he fucked that. I would never the busiest place I've ever
33:56
done mushrooms is at like a
33:59
festival or a music show. Oh,
34:01
that's it. That's not that bad because at
34:03
least you're outside. You can walk around
34:05
and ride it at an indoor thing
34:07
is panicked to me. I inside with mushroom rooms
34:09
is not my shit. But if I'm outdoors and I can kind of
34:11
move away from people, no big deal. For
34:14
some reason, when I'm inside and I'm really high on
34:16
mushrooms, that's when I start to get
34:18
to like, we should get we should go we should take a walk
34:20
or something. Yeah. That'll be all you didn't do.
34:22
My friends grandma took mushrooms at
34:24
the Holocaust. Did
34:26
she really? Yeah. During it? Yeah. Nile. Yeah. She
34:28
survived, but she was like, yeah, it was a bad idea.
34:30
She's like That's the only thing I got.
34:33
That's a great movie. The only reason she survived is because
34:35
she was on an
34:38
eighth ishrooms. I
34:40
know that's probably gonna get yelled. How did you celebrate nine eleven, by the way? Speaking
34:43
of atrocities? I was on stage at
34:45
in Pittsburgh. I was fly I
34:47
was on an airplane.
34:49
I flew on nine eleven. I flew on nine eleven. I fly I
34:52
almost fly on nine eleven every year for some reason. I feel
34:54
like every year it's a thing that I do is to
34:56
celebrate, you know. It's just be like, look what we did.
34:58
We can get away with it now. Of course, I
35:00
got random screened the
35:02
day that I flew. I never get random screened and I
35:04
got random screened. And of course, they
35:06
found my they found my explosive and they
35:08
took it out. And I was like, I wasn't gonna detonate it. I
35:10
just wanted to -- Right. -- it's it's like
35:12
your Xanax. Just knowing you have it.
35:14
Just knowing I need I need to know it's in the
35:16
bag. Right. Yeah. That's
35:18
fine. I mean, I remember I had a bit about it in
35:20
my standup, but on the things that you
35:22
can't bring on the plane when you go to
35:24
security. I remember they had a bomb
35:26
on the sign. And I did a bit
35:28
about because it was like an like, the bowling ball,
35:30
old time with the wiggle wick coming out
35:32
of it. That was on the sign. I'm
35:34
not gonna do the bid, but it was
35:36
just like, I don't know why you no. This is like, do
35:38
you have to, like, fucking no shit. You
35:40
know what I mean? Well, the guy's gonna pull it
35:42
out of his bag, and it's and it and it's
35:45
a cartoon that's already burning down. He's like, oh,
35:47
frozen away. I've done the thing where it was holding it behind his
35:49
back. You could hear
35:52
it like, Yeah.
35:54
I mean, again, that's just like the level of kinda sales
35:56
agency. And here at Nick's work. It's so
35:58
funny about mushroom laughing because it's such
36:01
a specific thing about that. because when I
36:03
took mushrooms, I've taken this a handful of times,
36:06
but no pun intended a handful of
36:08
times. Mhmm. because you
36:10
can take that's the kind of stuff you're
36:12
gonna see, and it's horton dot
36:14
net. No. Don't do.
36:16
Anyway, I took, like, five grams.
36:18
My buddy's brother went to Colorado. It's
36:20
always about Colorado. I think they
36:22
legalized mushrooms. They did. Yeah. They decriminalized
36:24
it. They decriminalized it.
36:26
Oh, of course, Colorado -- Yeah. -- because
36:28
then in, you know, It's just funny, like, now
36:30
I'm picturing people like working in a funeral
36:32
home like, hey, we're looking for a casket
36:34
for my mother and then being like,
36:38
Yeah. What color?
36:41
What color? I
36:43
don't fucking know, man. Mikey's
36:45
painting one right now. This
36:47
is huge huge bro. Do
36:49
you like Bs? Her birds? I painted a
36:51
lot of birds and bees on this one.
36:53
Hey, this one. We already used recycling it. You know what
36:55
I mean? You got a
36:58
recycling. Usher laughing is
37:00
panic laughing. It is ridiculous. panicking
37:04
and this this happened to me, I'd taken
37:06
five grams. That's a that's a pretty good amount. That's
37:08
a fucking lot. That's a pretty good amount of
37:10
mushrooms. And I was in
37:12
high school I mean, my friends were like,
37:14
we're gonna go to a movie. So we took
37:16
them and we laughed, I'll keep
37:18
this story short, but we went went
37:20
to go to the movie and I forgot my wallet. I was like, fuck
37:22
it. I gotta go back. and I started peak
37:24
as I came back. And I was like,
37:26
oh, no. And I slipped into my
37:28
mom's apartment and I go and get my wallet and
37:30
I just hear Nicholas and
37:31
I'm like, and I
37:34
go and she's sitting there and she's like, what are you doing?
37:36
And I'm
37:38
like, I forgot my wallet. I gotta go. And
37:40
she said, well, hold on. And then I'm not
37:42
joking. She had like these neon snowflakes
37:44
on her face. And I start mushroom
37:46
laughing. And
37:48
I go, And
37:51
she goes, what's so funny? And I
37:54
go, my buddy, Sam, told me
37:56
a joke. She
37:58
goes, oh, what is it? And I go,
38:00
I have no idea. And then
38:02
she looked at me like I was crazy person, and
38:05
I just laughed immediately. She never knew?
38:07
No. My buddy, Tyler's mom, was like, she came home
38:09
right as we were peaking. We ate him in his basement. We were
38:11
gonna go to our friend, Mike's
38:14
house. and we're chilling down there. And I thought and I was like, should we smoke?
38:16
Should we smoke to kick this into full gear?
38:18
He's like, let's just get in the car. We'll get stoned
38:20
on the way to Mike's house.
38:23
And so we're going to the dude's house. Alright. I mean,
38:25
we're we're on our way up through the house of the dude's
38:27
house. And the moment my foot, like, hits
38:29
the stair to walk
38:32
upstairs. Right. tie,
38:32
tie, tie, tie. I was like, the
38:34
wave was like, I
38:37
mean, honestly, dude, and I turned to him,
38:39
and I was like, dude.
38:41
I'm I'm like, it's happening hard right now. Like, it hit
38:43
me it hit me harder than it's ever hit me.
38:45
And he's like, you'll be cool, dude. You'll
38:48
be cool. you'll be cool to just go upstairs,
38:50
slow, and I was like, and then as soon as I go upstairs, his mom's like, hey, babe. And if you
38:52
have to walk to the kitchen and get to their garage, and
38:54
I just looked over to her and I go, the trash
38:58
smells She was like, what? Oh my god. I'll take it out. She's
39:00
like, what? And I grabbed the trash. There
39:02
was, like, three things in it. It you know what I mean? It
39:04
was like It was a paper towel and a new and I take
39:06
it. I
39:08
was like, this is gross. I gotta go
39:10
outside. And and
39:12
we jumped right in the car immediately. I mean, honestly,
39:14
she never said anything about it. But
39:17
that my first instinct, my brain was like, what's
39:19
a way to get out of the kitchen without having to
39:21
have a conversation with her? And I was like, trash is bad. I'll
39:23
take out the trash. because we would
39:25
help push it around the house. My favorite thing is that if you weren't holding
39:27
anything, the chest smells.
39:30
And she's like, alright.
39:34
In here, we pull I
39:36
gotta tell you some guys, as we get older,
39:38
you know, it gets a little bit
39:42
softer yet hard harder
39:44
to last longer. Fuck
39:48
this. I don't know what
39:50
that is. I'm sorry, dude. I don't know what that I don't
39:52
even know what I'm trying to
39:54
say.
39:55
Hey fellas. Listen.
39:58
There's no shame in PE whatsoever. And I'm not
40:00
talking about gym class if you're having a
40:03
tough time lasting longer in
40:06
bed. If you're shooting quick at the hip, if you're pulling the trigger too if
40:08
you're unloading before the truck has
40:10
gotten all the way to the station, I gotta tell
40:12
you, there is a solution that's Roman
40:16
knows that, look, it's a
40:18
very
40:18
common thing. And if you wanna
40:20
last
40:20
longer a bed, Roman swipes are clinically proven
40:23
to last longer in the sack.
40:26
There's no prescription needed at all. And Roman
40:28
is is excellent. They
40:31
make great products. and the Roman swipes are no
40:34
exception. They're incredible. They got free two day
40:36
shipping and the PE treatments are safe effective and
40:38
they're used by millions upon millions upon
40:40
millions of
40:42
men all had different experiences in the bedroom, whether it's lasting
40:44
longer, whether it's staying Howard
40:46
Des O'Rourke. And Roman is here to
40:48
take care of you if you need to laugh
40:51
longer in bed because it's proven. You care
40:53
about your body, your mind, and
40:55
the downstairs show
40:58
yourself to the partner that
41:00
you're with that you can last longer in bed with roman
41:02
swipes. Go to get roman dot com slash
41:04
whiskey today. If you're approved, you get ten dollars off your first
41:06
order. That's get roman dot
41:08
com slash Whiskey.
41:10
Tanger. I like Tangerously.
41:13
If you don't ask it,
41:15
I've tried everything, but here's
41:17
a fucking thing. people think I
41:20
keep hearing rumors that I'm like a coke
41:22
head. That's what I said. Somebody just told
41:24
me that. That people think you do a lot of coke. My
41:26
friend yeah. And then somebody was on a said they heard
41:28
a podcast. and someone's, like, next to a
41:30
big coconut. I'm not. I did jokes about it. I've done it. But, like, I'm not
41:32
at all. Like, I've done it, but
41:36
that's the fucking worst. I talk about it on stage, but
41:38
it's just so I'm just clearing it up. Like,
41:40
I I'm not at all. It's just weird for
41:42
me to hear that. I've never known you to be a coke.
41:45
Yeah. That's why I was, like, shocked. Booz Two people said
41:47
it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a drinker. I mean, obviously, I
41:49
said talk about that. Yeah. But I say I've
41:51
done Coke. And then this is, like, one
41:54
time I did Coke, And
41:56
I was in Los Angeles, and
41:58
my brother and some friends came visit
42:00
me from Minnesota. And we
42:02
got cocaine from a strip club.
42:05
And this whole Twenty twenty years ago. What
42:07
do you mean? There was a guy working in the strip club. You
42:09
got COVID. My friend, there was strip earnings, like, I answered
42:11
coke, whatever. stripers always have one of those shocker.
42:13
and spoiler alert.
42:16
Turns out strippers might have coke.
42:18
Yeah. So we we're
42:20
doing blow in this hotel, my brother's
42:22
hotel room. And I don't care if I throw him out of the
42:24
bus. So we're doing coke at
42:26
six in the morning and I have a
42:28
panic attack. because
42:30
I can't sleep. Like, I wanna go to sleep. That's why I don't like cocaine. Yeah.
42:32
It's because I just wanna drinking like you
42:34
just pass out. You know what I mean? Yep.
42:37
or you drink until you do sleep. If you're still awake,
42:39
you're like, oh, yeah. Or you'll just sleep, walk, and
42:41
then, you know, you wake up
42:43
in a dumpster. you hit your
42:45
head and you say, welcome to Well, maybe you're in the Amazon.
42:47
Who knows? Fun.
42:52
Fun travel. You can't sleep, but six AM. So you can't sleep, and then I
42:54
panicked, and I called my
42:56
mom. And boop, boop, boop, boop. And I'm
42:58
like, hey,
43:00
it's Nick. and I
43:02
identified myself. And she
43:04
goes, hey, why are you why are you up so early?
43:06
Then I go, and I realized, like,
43:08
oh my god. It's called my mom. High on cocaine.
43:10
And I go, oh, I'm going to the
43:12
gym and she's like, oh, that's good.
43:15
And I'm like, yeah. Anyway,
43:18
my brother's doing coke on the coffee table. And I go,
43:20
anyway, here's John, and
43:22
he's like, he doesn't know what I'm doing.
43:24
He goes, who is it? And I go, It's
43:28
mom.
43:28
And he
43:29
goes, fuck.
43:30
Fuck. And I'm
43:32
like, and he's like, hey, mom.
43:35
Yeah. Now what's going on? Yeah.
43:38
No. Yeah. The gym. Yeah.
43:40
We think we're gonna hit the gym. Okay. We'll call
43:42
you later. And he
43:44
was like, hey, so funny. He said, what the
43:46
fuck are you doing? And I was like, I
43:48
don't know, man. I'm like,
43:50
Sam panicked. just didn't know what to
43:52
do. Love that mom is the person that you'd call me, like, freaking out. My fucking mom. Did
43:54
Lord, she won't know. She didn't call me. She
43:58
does Coke. Imagine your mom on the other side is also up doing
43:59
coaching. Nick, what are you doing? What's
44:02
going
44:02
on? That would be amazing. Two people
44:03
covering up that they're doing
44:06
Coke. Yeah. Sometimes, gym too. Yep. We're also going to your father
44:08
and I are
44:08
going to the gym as well. Hold
44:10
on one second. We're
44:11
going down on gym. What?
44:14
What? For
44:16
Coke. mean, for a Coke Cola. Wait. What's going on? It's
44:18
actually one of my favorite things to see as
44:20
people coming out of the bathroom after they've done Coke, but
44:22
play it off that they did
44:24
co. Yeah. It's amazing. just hold them and grab your
44:26
hand and go, buddy. It's fine. Nobody cares. But they're they're like,
44:32
they always have to have a comment. If there's a line and they come out from doing coke, they
44:34
have some kind of comment. They're like, they better
44:36
read out a toilet paper soon. And
44:39
you're like, you don't you don't need to connect
44:42
with me, dude. It's cool. You can just
44:44
go do Coke and go back to
44:46
the bar. Well, I told her I
44:48
was gonna have a climate change. What's gonna what time is the movie tonight? And they just walk away like a fucking
44:50
whack a do. Barneys. Barneys.
44:52
There's coke at Barneys for
44:56
sure. your old stomping grounds. That's a rumor. That's
44:58
true. It's true. Yep. It
45:00
is funny. What's the same
45:03
thing? I was Like, if my
45:05
friends would go out, come
45:05
out of the bathroom, I would always tell him, like,
45:08
just say you guys were having
45:10
gay sex. instead
45:12
of doing a code. Yeah. No one's gonna say, my buddy's gonna deal just
45:14
be like, yeah. because some people be like, alright.
45:16
Yeah. They won't judge Don't take questions
45:18
people hooking up in a bathroom.
45:20
No. They'll be like, oh. They're not gonna
45:22
they're not gonna wanna know. Mhmm. Yeah. Well,
45:24
so their wife sits calm. one
45:27
time in Denver. Not COVID.
45:30
A guy was a guy everybody thought was doing
45:32
Coke in Denver. Same thing. And I've learned
45:35
Denver. Was it John Denver? Banging on the fucking stall
45:37
door. They're like, come on, dude.
45:39
Get out. Get out. Then they
45:41
push it open. He's not doing
45:43
Coke. He's sleeping. like hug in the toilet. Oh, okay. And I had to let him I
45:45
was like, leave him alone. Let him I was like, close the door and let
45:47
him stay there. The poor bastard. Fuck.
45:50
Yeah. But I've
45:52
been there. fuck. Yeah. I've done that to a toilet toilet naps.
45:54
Mhmm. I've done that where
45:56
I'm, like, I'll sit on the toilet and
45:58
I'll be, like, okay. I'm gonna sleep
46:00
for, like, a minute.
46:02
And I'll just take, like, a
46:04
toilet now. Close my eyes. Yeah. That's not
46:06
okay. I'm just resting my eyes.
46:08
On the toilet. am resting my
46:10
eyes on the toilet seat. How many times
46:12
how many times do you think you puked at a
46:14
bar? No. I've I've never done that. Never
46:16
puked at a bar? Not really. No.
46:18
Man, I have for sure. fuck. One time,
46:20
this is one of the grossest things I've
46:22
done. I went to
46:24
an after party for Saturday Night Live.
46:27
And taping busters with Drake?
46:30
No. I went to the
46:32
taping. It went to an afterparty.
46:34
and
46:35
then there was Yeah. I'm only saying
46:37
dropping the
46:37
S and L. I just because it was like a
46:39
really exclusive party. So
46:42
I'm with my brother and some friends and the host was I
46:44
mean, there was a lot of celebrities there. It was a
46:46
really nice fun party and stuff. And I'm
46:49
trapped in a booth. and
46:51
I'm sitting there's people around me and I have to urinate
46:54
violently. I have a drinking
46:56
nonstop. I have to pee really bad, but there's just
46:58
everybody who's talking, it
47:00
was crowded, There's no way to leave. So I just there's all
47:02
these empty glasses on the
47:04
on the on the table, so I just start
47:06
taking him. urinated?
47:10
Urinated? No. And I
47:12
filled up, like, four
47:14
glasses. And then I looked over and
47:16
there's a Bounces security guard. And I just go and I look
47:18
over, I make aite contact with him,
47:20
and he
47:22
just goes,
47:24
knew exactly what I was doing, but
47:26
didn't throw me out. It was just
47:28
like and then I was like,
47:31
hey, and then people are like, oh, because they saw, like, then now they're, like,
47:34
shot. Well, yeah, it was like, well, they've been
47:36
full of things. But I was like, no.
47:38
No. No. No. No. Don't. don't drink that because
47:40
all of a sudden there's just full glasses of
47:42
something. So and everybody's fucked
47:44
up and after after. Yeah. They're they might
47:46
take it. Yeah. Sorry to be I've never
47:48
missed at the bar. my
47:50
buddy in London, Brian
47:52
Bryant. Shout out to Brian. Brian
47:54
Bryant. Brian Bryant was so
47:56
annihilated, and he was and it was a
47:58
high bar. He's one of these, like,
47:59
really nice, fancy high bars. And he's
48:02
leaning at the bar like this. He's leaning on
48:04
it, and he's, like, pat and then he's, like, ready to pass on. I'm,
48:06
like, Brian, we gotta go. And my friend Tyler
48:08
said, we should, dude, we should get the fuck out of here.
48:10
He's gone. And he's, like, shut
48:12
up. Shut up. And I'm
48:14
trying to pull on his arm. And he's he
48:16
need any he gets like he
48:18
like snaps out. He goes, don't don't. And he gets serious. I was like, why?
48:20
And he goes, look down.
48:23
look down I his
48:24
cock is out and he's pissing all under
48:27
his ass. He's just wanted
48:29
to finish. By the way,
48:32
also, huge horse on this guy. I mean, a massive cock. That's why
48:34
I was like, oh, he would be in public because if he gets
48:36
kicked out, he wants his cock to be. I'll be like,
48:39
my bad. and walk to the bar. Right. It was
48:41
fucking dick out. because the bounce is not gonna tuck
48:43
your dick back in. They're not. No. They're gonna make
48:45
You do pull you out with it, though.
48:48
Oh, yeah. come on. Yeah. You wanna come on,
48:50
Brian. Oh.
48:52
And it's that bounces, Bobby. Well,
48:54
you ever seen somebody hook up at
48:56
show? Have you seen people have you ever known people to hook up at your show? feel your crowd might fuck
48:58
up the show. During no. Hook up. Hook up.
49:00
Hook up. Hook up during your show. What
49:03
do you hook up someone's fucking or doing something
49:06
during During the show? Yeah.
49:08
No. I don't I mean, not that I know of. I bet you
49:10
it's happened. with your
49:12
family will. Let me know it out. Well,
49:14
it's what I always love when they show that in, like,
49:16
stadiums. When, like, up in the raft, their A's game,
49:18
they'll show fucking.
49:20
Yeah. Yeah. That couple, she was sitting on his lap. And I was like, that leave
49:22
those people alone. That's great. That happened to me
49:24
in an Uber pool. This this
49:26
couple's hooked up. I was I was like,
49:29
Yes. I'm right. You were
49:32
jealous though. Let me join. fucking so
49:34
jealous then. Have you been playing
49:36
with my Oh, that shows? Had people proposed? No. Yeah. Like
49:38
three something shit like that. Have you had that?
49:40
Yes. For sure. Have you done it?
49:42
I've never done it. It's something
49:44
that's always intrigued me,
49:46
but I'm too guarded and weird. To
49:48
do it. But like you you've said before, it's
49:50
very nice of them. I think it's sweet.
49:52
to be asked for by a a couple I've had a couple of couples
49:54
ask me. A couple of couples. And it's how
49:57
many so a couple of couples at one time?
49:59
No. A couple of couples are
50:01
asked me over over the course of the time.
50:03
And been to orgies I've to. Right. I just stood there in my chips. I just
50:06
went to an orgy, and I stood there in my little
50:08
chips. They had a snack
50:10
bar? Yeah. Oh, or do you have
50:12
a snack bar? Really? The
50:14
veggie tray had no more ranch, which is a little fucking
50:16
annoying and a little, you know. I
50:18
would think it would have no
50:20
more ranch. That's just a kind of comedy you'll see
50:22
when Nick Swartzens on
50:24
tour. No. I've never had anybody fucking
50:26
at my
50:28
shows. Never? No. Like, just for some reason, I'm sure they had Your crowd
50:30
seems like it'd be weird. Oh, well, someone would give
50:32
somebody head in the rafter and up in the fucking Yeah. I
50:34
mean, if they're up
50:36
in the the rafties. So I'm saying this right now, if you're going
50:38
to Nick show like
50:40
this. If you're going to Nick show on
50:42
the rest the tour. I want
50:44
someone to suck or fuck someone at
50:46
this point at this point. Please do. Please,
50:48
please. Just make just be
50:50
discreet about it. Don't
50:52
be obnoxious. don't.
50:54
Please do. Please. Please. And send
50:56
me the footage at hey i fucked
50:58
at nick show at gmail
51:00
dot com. when I was gonna say one of my friends
51:02
told me a story about leaving a bar. Mhmm. So
51:04
we're talking about penis pulling. penis
51:06
pulling. Yeah.
51:08
This isn't like that, but it my friend was
51:10
fucking hammered with another friend of
51:12
my Doug Stannholt who's such a Bob,
51:15
Doug. Gray comic notorious drinker. And -- Yeah. --
51:17
so my friend was drinking with him, and
51:20
they were at some die bar, like, out
51:22
in, like, the desert or
51:24
something. Mhmm. And
51:26
my friend was getting kind of
51:28
out of control. I think he got into
51:30
it with one of the regulars. And the
51:32
bouncer comes over and he goes, hey
51:36
man, you gotta get the fuck out of here. And my
51:38
buddy's like, really? Why
51:40
don't you go fuck yourself? And the monster
51:42
goes? My friend told me that the monster goes.
51:44
Okay. Do you wanna do this the hard way or the
51:46
easy way? And my friend just goes, and he
51:49
told me this is just because I was like
51:51
fuck it. He just goes, hard
51:53
way and then
51:56
tackled, faced down, and just
51:58
dragged out by him and another bouncer.
52:01
just super ugly, like, smashed his
52:03
nose. But it is funny. And then afterwards, he
52:05
was, like, didn't regret he's kind of a he's
52:07
a tough guy, but it was just funny that he he was like, I just
52:09
wanted to see what the hard way it was. I just wanted to see just
52:11
to feel like, dude, if you're in a
52:13
desert bar, the hard way
52:15
it could be the hardest way. Yeah. It could be a
52:17
fucking taking up fire hose in your dick full of, like, ants or
52:20
something. I don't know. That is the kind of that is
52:22
kind of the
52:24
desert thing. fire hose ants. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I know that's kind of their
52:26
vibe. How do you want the hard way? Here's the
52:28
box of tarantulas. We have to stuff them up your
52:30
asshole one by one. Yeah. Have you ever been
52:32
thrown out of
52:34
a bar? Like that, like aggressively thrown
52:36
out? No. No. I'm
52:38
pretty docile when I drink. I
52:40
don't get I'm not one of those
52:42
people that gets, like,
52:44
angry or just, like,
52:46
weird. Like, if I'm really drunk, III
52:48
know to go home. Yeah. I
52:50
don't like Have you been
52:52
tossed? No. No. I've never
52:54
been I've never been thrown
52:56
out of a ball. I've
52:58
been like, asked to leave if I'm with a group of rowdy
53:00
assholes. Right. That has happened to me.
53:02
Yes. Many. Yes. That has happened.
53:04
Actually one time, my little sister was
53:06
out here. and
53:08
my parents were out here. I don't even know what
53:10
we were celebrating. Like something, you know, I don't know. Maybe
53:12
it was, like, the premiere of a show I did
53:14
or something. And they're out here and we're at a
53:16
local bar that's not in West Hollywood anymore shutdown.
53:20
And this guy apparently grabbed my
53:22
sisters, but And she told me after the fact, I didn't know and she's like, yeah,
53:24
this fuck. I can tell she was upset. She's like, this
53:26
fucking guy. And at the
53:28
time, I I
53:30
had known the whole bar because I'd gone there all the time. And I'd known the the
53:32
managers and all the bar tenders and the
53:34
bouncer that night happened to be like
53:36
the one bouncer you want there.
53:39
who's, like, not only just huge,
53:41
but also will fuck shit up. Like, is you
53:43
know the other sponsors that are, like, are ready to fuck
53:45
shit up. Right. So they're waiting
53:47
they're like First, someone or someone. Yeah. Yeah. And be, like,
53:50
legitimately inappropriate. You know what I mean? I go
53:52
over and I say something to him. I go, this guy's
53:54
grabbing girl's asses and my sisters. And
53:56
he goes, show me the way.
53:58
And I literally show him to the
53:59
guy, and I go, hey, man, you're
54:02
fucking out of here. And he starts to kinda like he's
54:04
like fuck, who the fuck are you gonna
54:06
he's getting my face and all this shit. And the bouncer's, like, waiting for, like, a
54:08
fight to start. He it was actually clever. He
54:10
sat back because he was, like, waiting
54:13
for the guy to get aggressive because he could get aggressive and
54:16
justify. It was awesome. And he, like,
54:18
he was great. He was, like, wait. Like, it was, like,
54:20
David Andro, like, as the bounce
54:22
so white, beneath the crowd. Like, he was, like, hitting on the wall,
54:24
like, waiting there really, like, really
54:26
slightly. And the guy is, like, the fuck out of my
54:28
fucking face and then he
54:30
pushes me. And in the it's
54:32
almost like the moment his
54:34
hand touched my chest. The meaning oh
54:36
my god. And the pouch, I've never seen this
54:38
before. He grabbed him with two hands. by
54:40
the throat. And I'm not kidding. Oh. Pick this man up. Like like he
54:42
was a but it looked like he was a doll. He
54:44
picked him up and he drug him
54:47
and his feet were, like, dragging on the
54:49
middle of the park. It it it was
54:51
like them. And honestly, it was the because
54:53
I looked cool because then I turned on my
54:56
sister was just like, Thank you. And the
54:58
dudes actually knew, like, that was a mate.
55:00
Dad Dad Dad Dad Dadout came out of nowhere. I was
55:02
like, it was all very coordinated, but
55:04
it looked Super smooth. It was perfect. That's awesome. By his throat,
55:06
I'd never seen that. I mean, literally --
55:08
Yeah. -- that's fun to watch.
55:10
Yeah. I just like to It's
55:12
like And here we are
55:14
the douche bag in the wild. Yeah. He's now flexing. Somebody's
55:16
in his territory, and he's
55:20
and watch her as the bouncer
55:22
dismembers the douche bag within seconds by his
55:24
neck. By his neck. The
55:27
guy that grabs the girl's butt at the bar, man.
55:29
That guy that guy deserves to be drug out by
55:31
his neck. What are you doing? Yeah. What
55:34
are you doing? Yeah. To
55:36
just physically be inappropriate with
55:38
somebody is But the guy that
55:40
guy is a guy that exists at every
55:42
bar for for for since the beginning
55:44
of time. Yeah. Like, like, since the beginning of time, there
55:46
was a guy a caveman who
55:48
and they grabbed some girl's ass and
55:50
then fucking the faults. Yeah. It's a
55:54
it's a they did that, like I mean, not what they did, but, like, they said, like,
55:56
caveman, just, like, club people, and, like, club
55:58
women and, like, drag and bring them out or
55:59
see, like, like,
56:02
fucking psycho. I'm
56:04
surprised I just suck because I would like my
56:06
friends, I would always they would
56:08
never get like that. But I mean, there there
56:10
was times where I would have to
56:14
I would always tell my friends I'm like, did you gotta maintain
56:16
when we go out? You know what I mean?
56:18
Like, it's a marathon? Yeah. It's
56:20
a marathon and also when
56:23
you're with somebody who's, like, you know, a public figure people know who I am. Yeah.
56:25
You know what I mean? Like, you can't you're
56:27
an extension. Like, don't be a
56:29
fucking asshole. Right. It's
56:32
just, you know, just maintain. Have you had one of those moments where
56:34
someone did something that you thought would come back
56:36
at you? Because publicly, it was you were, like,
56:38
fuck. Did I look really bad? I've
56:42
had friends be assholes,
56:44
like raging assholes. And then you You
56:46
got a couple of things. You come over to me, and I'm
56:48
like, nope. want nothing to do with that person.
56:50
Don't know them. No. Then they're like, well, we're gonna
56:53
I'm like, go for do whatever you want. Get them out
56:55
of here. Like, I prefaced them before we bought
56:57
out. Like, hey, just keep it you
56:59
know, you can tell too when people, you know, it's like there is a meme
57:02
that I love every posted it
57:04
many times. And
57:06
it's from Toy Story, and it's Woody.
57:08
And the caption is when
57:10
you see your friend do that last shot
57:12
before they black out. Yeah. And
57:15
then it's What do you need? Just looking? He just goes,
57:17
so long, partner. It's
57:20
like everybody's been there. when
57:24
we when I post this on
57:26
Instagram, tag your tag your
57:28
friend who's the so long partner
57:30
friend. I'll tag my friends and they
57:32
fucking know. You didn't know who they are.
57:34
It is funny when you see the we went to
57:36
New Orleans for my buddy. Oh god.
57:38
We went to New Orleans and this guy that we were
57:40
within the group had had, like, as
57:42
kids, a family, and he's not been
57:44
away. Like, he hasn't had a night out and you can tell
57:46
in the poor fight. Oh, no. So he ruined the whole he
57:48
ruined his whole trip the first night we go
57:50
out and everyone's partying. and there's a
57:52
famous there's a famous liquor
57:56
drink in Chicago called Malore. Do you
57:58
know Malore? Yes. And a
57:59
lot
57:59
of people don't know Mallard. Mallard is
58:02
famously fucking like a joke shot
58:04
for people from Chicago to give to
58:06
somebody. And
58:08
the bartender had a Chicago, like, something had on, something
58:10
that had whether it was I think it was at the white box
58:12
or something. And one of the guys, like, oh, Santa Fe
58:14
knows from Chicago. I was like, good shit. He's like,
58:16
you want mallort and I started laughing and I was like, no. No. Thanks. And the guy
58:18
that's in our group was like, I'll do it. And I
58:20
was like, don't You don't need to do it. He's
58:22
like, I'll do it? I'll do it
58:24
right now. I was like, please don't
58:26
do it. He doesn't want the fucking shot. He was
58:28
already fucking wasted holding onto the
58:30
bar. Right. And I have video of this.
58:32
Sure enough. gives him a
58:34
shot him a Lord. And I was like, he's like, we all got in a
58:36
tank yet. I was like, we will. That's fine. And
58:38
he rips it. We all do it. And he
58:40
does that face that
58:42
you know where his body's trying to figure like, it's it's like doing a a really
58:44
intense math equation where it's like fuck, how do we
58:46
keep this down? How can we keep this down without him thrown up at
58:48
the barn? How do how much time do we I mean, he literally
58:50
was gone? It
58:52
was like it was his body was
58:54
like the internal machine was just
58:56
cracking down and he did that last
58:59
one of those things where it was just the air bubble.
59:01
Yeah. And all I did was try to turn his
59:03
head down. I was like, ugh, and I just turned his
59:06
head down. but wasn't enough time to -- Alright. -- all all over the fucking
59:08
bar. Yeah. because that's probably projectile. Oh,
59:10
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That comes out with a four. That
59:12
kinda yeah. But also the bartender was so
59:14
fucking cool that
59:16
he goes. he's gotta go, man. And I go, I know. And he's like, you
59:18
guys are fine, but he I'm sorry. He's gotta you guys
59:20
gotta send him home. So he let us stay. We
59:22
put him in an Uber back to the
59:24
fucking house. But I was like, this
59:26
guy in New Orleans must see this shit. I mean, it's
59:28
Sky Campground. Oh my god. New Orleans is
59:30
bonkers. I mean, I love
59:32
that city. So really
59:34
quick, when I was in Key West,
59:36
I did. I was at
59:38
the bar, and I'm like, oh,
59:40
when I just walk outside, throw up into
59:43
the street. Just walk back in. You know what
59:45
I mean? Wasn't a whole scene? I just walked out
59:47
-- Right. -- and then walked
59:49
back. Everybody knows. fucking maintain. But,
59:52
yeah, it's the puke thing. When I was
59:54
in New Orleans, one of the most strong
59:56
I was really I was nineteen.
59:59
And I had a fake ID and I was shooting a commercial
1:00:02
error. And me and my friend
1:00:04
Ross and Carrie Kenny from Rio 911
1:00:06
First time I remember. It
1:00:08
was nineteen ninety eight for for Parks Rupier.
1:00:11
And we went out and we
1:00:13
drank so much and I
1:00:15
was drinking Jamieson rocks, and
1:00:18
I was just drinking, like, water. Like, after a
1:00:20
while, like, certain obviously, as a
1:00:22
drinker, you know. it just goes down
1:00:24
like water. Yeah. Jamison rocks. I mean,
1:00:26
it was just like boom boom. And I
1:00:28
was so fucked up that I was, like, kinda
1:00:30
scared, like, I
1:00:32
was wasted. And I just started throwing up we're walking another
1:00:34
bar, and I just throw up into
1:00:36
my hands, and then
1:00:38
I just throw it off.
1:00:42
And my buddy goes, why don't you just throw up?
1:00:44
Why are you doing it into your hands?
1:00:46
And I'm like, I just I don't wanna
1:00:48
throw up on the street. So I thought it would be
1:00:52
rude. I was nineteen. I was young. I didn't
1:00:54
get a new city. So I just
1:00:56
threw up and then it
1:00:58
was dumb. But you think
1:01:00
after all the drinking that you've done over the
1:01:02
years, is everything
1:01:04
still okay on your insides now? Yeah.
1:01:06
like, shockingly, you're back to square one. Well, that's what I tell people is because
1:01:09
people well, honestly, you know and I
1:01:11
I don't wanna keep talking about I
1:01:13
mean, I did almost die. I've almost died a couple times from drinking.
1:01:16
Yeah. But I've always
1:01:18
maintained a really good diet
1:01:20
for the most part. That's it. And cut
1:01:22
dairy out twelve years ago. Dairy's really hard
1:01:24
on your liver. So that was something somebody
1:01:26
turned on to me. Information
1:01:29
that was invaluable because I
1:01:31
would always get sick. Football Sunday, I
1:01:33
would have pizza and get
1:01:36
wasted. And I would wake up
1:01:38
Monday sick. And then a friend of mine was like, yeah. Because
1:01:40
when you drink with dairy, your
1:01:42
liver's working ten times
1:01:44
harder. Not maybe not ten, four
1:01:46
times, whatever. working way
1:01:48
harder to process the dairy, so the alcohol
1:01:50
stays in your system. Anyway, so I cut
1:01:52
out dairy and then I just I take a lot of
1:01:54
vitamins. I take a
1:01:56
lot of a lot of stuff to just maintain, you know,
1:01:58
even like milk thistle or anything to just
1:01:59
keep your liver. What is milk thistle?
1:02:02
It's a it's a it's a it's like
1:02:04
an herb and Yeah. you it
1:02:06
tastes like shit, but you just put it in something to
1:02:08
kill the taste. You have what's the secret
1:02:10
one? What's your, like, secret sauce herb that you
1:02:12
take? You take, like, a ton of vitamins
1:02:14
every day. I take here's what I take in the morning.
1:02:16
Take your drink. No. I take
1:02:18
collagen. Oh. Collagen powder.
1:02:20
It's put in water. You barely
1:02:22
taste it. of
1:02:24
two cups of lukewarm water a
1:02:26
day, a cup of collagen water.
1:02:28
I take it matcha tea,
1:02:31
high class amount of tea. Mhmm. Mhmm. Meringa
1:02:33
powder, which is incredible. What is that?
1:02:35
I'll text it to you. Just look it up. It's just this
1:02:38
basically, it's been around
1:02:40
for centuries. and it's just really good for your body. Like, I think,
1:02:42
like, Mayans used it, ancient
1:02:44
Greece, Rome used it. I mean -- Okay. -- it's
1:02:46
been around.
1:02:48
I take that. I'll take apple cider vinegar.
1:02:50
I'll do like a super greens. Just
1:02:52
any kind of like they're like gummies
1:02:56
I have. like that and then I'll take and then I'll eat
1:02:58
breakfast and, like, eggs
1:03:01
and vegetables and then
1:03:03
I'll take, like, zinc and
1:03:05
stuff like that. No meat either. You don't eat
1:03:07
meat either? I I eat meat. Yeah. Okay. But
1:03:09
you just cut out just dairy. I cut out
1:03:11
dairy carbs and sugar. Jesus. As
1:03:13
much as I can. How the fuck do you not
1:03:15
have sugar? It's really hard. But I mean, we
1:03:18
fucking fucking we live
1:03:20
in a fucking world now. first of all, I'm not Willie
1:03:22
Wonka. I don't own a chocolate
1:03:24
factory. So it's not that fucking hard. There's
1:03:26
no, like, fucking
1:03:28
dark chocolate waterfall. I'm
1:03:30
gonna have dessert. When you go out to have dessert or
1:03:32
dinner, you don't have dessert. I do. But, see, this is my
1:03:34
thing. It's a fucking sore bay or some
1:03:36
bullshit. No. Sugar bay
1:03:38
is all sugar, but It is it. Yeah.
1:03:40
It's a perfect memory.
1:03:42
So here's what I do is I'd started
1:03:44
walking. That's how I lost weight is I
1:03:46
don't take elevators. I take stairs everywhere.
1:03:48
and I walk as much as I conceivably can. And
1:03:50
I'll do push ups and stuff. Mhmm. So
1:03:52
you don't need all this shit. You
1:03:55
don't need a Peloton and
1:03:57
a fucking robot. This episode brought you
1:03:59
by Peloton. I know. Sorry, Peloton. They're
1:04:01
really cool, but No. You're saying minimal
1:04:03
stuff gets gets it done. Yeah. I'm saying if you can't
1:04:05
afford a Peloton, walk, take stairs -- Right. -- you know what
1:04:07
I mean? So, you know, that's what I do for exercise.
1:04:10
Anyway, my point being is that I
1:04:12
earn my
1:04:14
dessert. So essentially, like, if I am
1:04:16
active enough during the day, if I go to
1:04:18
dinner, I'll be like, okay, I'll get a
1:04:20
dessert. You know what I mean? But no sugar.
1:04:23
I mean, sometimes you have to. I mean, I'll cheat, you know, fuck it. Yeah. I
1:04:26
don't care. I mean, you don't you don't live
1:04:28
forever. Spoiler
1:04:30
alert. That's just the kind of knowledge I dropped onto our
1:04:32
nick sorts and dot net. But
1:04:34
yeah. No. And it was funny. So I
1:04:37
was on a cruise ship. and
1:04:40
I'll be on the train, the band train, I'm doing that
1:04:42
cruise. I'm performing on that. When is that? I'm
1:04:44
really excited. That's February seventeen to
1:04:46
twenty one. How do you know those guys?
1:04:48
You They were fans. Okay. It's Sarah's a fan pat. He's awesome. He's like, come
1:04:50
on the boat with us, dude. Yeah. I was one of
1:04:52
the two. this boat thing now. Oh, dude.
1:04:54
There's a huge With three eleven,
1:04:58
That one I saw. I saw you do that. I did that with Doug Benson.
1:05:00
Yeah. Benson did it. That's right. Yeah. And that that's a side
1:05:03
story. Jesus Christ. Love three
1:05:05
eleven. That band I
1:05:08
mean, that's cruise was so fun. That's the most drugs I've seen
1:05:10
people do ever. Here's Silver.
1:05:12
Right? Yeah. They weren't partying.
1:05:16
I'm saying, like No. But it's funny to me that, like, they're after all those years,
1:05:18
they're associated with, like, party like,
1:05:20
they're all sober. That's what I've heard.
1:05:23
Yeah. I mean, I didn't see them going on. So anyway,
1:05:25
that's a separate story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's other cruise
1:05:27
ship, and it's fourteen levels on the
1:05:29
ship. And I'm walking up and
1:05:31
down the stairs. So my friends are all
1:05:33
taken elevator. And I'm walking up the stairs.
1:05:35
I'm like, alright. Bye. And they're like,
1:05:38
really, the stairs. I go, why don't I have
1:05:40
dessert tonight? There's an
1:05:42
elderly lady, probably eighty years old,
1:05:44
taking the stairs with me. Sold out of the
1:05:46
railing, and she looks at me. It was
1:05:48
amazing. It was so beautiful. and she turns
1:05:50
to my friends, she goes, you've
1:05:52
gotta earn your dessert.
1:05:54
And I was like, exactly.
1:05:57
And then I fucking just a fucking You
1:05:59
push it
1:05:59
on the stairs to do it after like moral
1:06:02
combat. I just
1:06:04
seems like, and
1:06:04
she fucking went back and landed on her feet.
1:06:06
And she was like, you
1:06:08
earned your dessert. Crew ships. No. Thank you.
1:06:10
No. But but my point being decided, you
1:06:14
know, she's she got it motherfucker. That old bitch she's eighty. Yeah. She's
1:06:16
dead now for sure. There's no doubt. Oh. She
1:06:18
got it c. Yeah. I
1:06:20
just went. god.
1:06:23
Right, Dominic. I'm sure. I can't
1:06:25
I can't do boats at sea for days at a time.
1:06:27
It scares the shit. Like that one. I have
1:06:29
people that have phobias like that Half people. I know people there. I'm
1:06:31
a half person. I don't I don't oh, no. No.
1:06:33
No. It's pretty Yeah. I have friends that I gotta do a
1:06:35
a thing with Bill Bur
1:06:38
about it. because he's always shits on cruise ships. So I did a Nick
1:06:40
Swartz and a friend show -- Mhmm. -- and he
1:06:42
went out and he's like, Yeah. fucking bullshit. Fuck
1:06:44
this man. And
1:06:46
I went after him and I'm like fuck you, Bill.
1:06:48
You're fucking wrong. And then I
1:06:50
did my pro cruise ship thing.
1:06:53
And, you know, we talked about it. But, yeah,
1:06:55
I know people that hate them. Like, hate them. I
1:06:57
just feel like when people that are afraid of them.
1:06:59
You're out you're out there. You're out there.
1:07:01
you're just you're out there. Like, you're you're just so like,
1:07:03
I was on a boat for a week in Italy,
1:07:05
but we docked at a fucking port or we
1:07:08
were in a Marina area.
1:07:10
Well, you always there's always a port.
1:07:12
You guys you sleep every night in a
1:07:14
port? Well, not every night, but if that's what I'm saying,
1:07:16
there's nights where you're just out at sea. Right? Right.
1:07:18
But it's like maybe one day. Yeah. But I don't wanna be out in
1:07:20
the middle of the ocean at night in case some shit
1:07:22
doesn't jump off the boat. Nobody
1:07:26
wants to on the fucking thing anyway. I can't do them. I'll never
1:07:28
step foot on a cruise ship. I prom. I I just
1:07:30
I cannot. Well, what if you're drinking
1:07:33
the whole time? then
1:07:36
then I'll start thinking about it even more. I'll be like, no.
1:07:38
You won't. And I'll Drinking disarms all that
1:07:40
shit. It really does. It gets rid of it. I'll probably jump
1:07:42
off the boat when I drink. I don't mind being
1:07:44
known for. But I just something
1:07:46
about all those humans too. It gives me
1:07:48
the creepy, creepy. Yeah. You get a nice
1:07:50
cabin. You can fucking Do any cruise
1:07:52
ships have? Alright. I'll come with you on the cruise. --
1:07:54
idiot. Come with me on a cruise ship. You'll have
1:07:56
fun. Let's do it. It's so fun. Honestly,
1:07:58
why why don't you do a comedian cruise
1:07:59
tour? That would be fucking dead
1:08:02
kids. That's why. I I
1:08:04
don't know why they
1:08:06
haven't done that. Like, why
1:08:08
comic hasn't done that? Like, I kinda wanna
1:08:10
do because I toured with Sandler and Spade.
1:08:12
I have before and Adam's going on tour
1:08:14
again by the way for people out there. He's going
1:08:16
on tour. But
1:08:19
yeah. Like, a whole comedy cruise would be so fun.
1:08:21
Well, then let's set it up. This will be the first
1:08:23
time I get on a cruise ship is with
1:08:25
you because you can Who would go on
1:08:27
call me, Chris. Let's say it's you me and what? Bobby.
1:08:30
Bobby. Theo would be
1:08:33
Bobby would do
1:08:35
it. Maybe. Cricher would do it in a fucking
1:08:37
heart. Wouldn't you mind? Or would a heart son do it? Tom might do it,
1:08:40
actually. That would
1:08:42
be all you would need. four or
1:08:44
five comics? I mean, if you had five or six To because
1:08:46
you have to sell out the whole like, because they rent the whole boat for you
1:08:48
guys. Right? Yeah. It's you have the whole ship. Like,
1:08:50
how many people were on the three eleven boat?
1:08:54
forty? forty Forty
1:08:56
thousand? Forty thousand? Forty billion. No.
1:08:58
I don't know. It's
1:09:00
it's a couple thousand.
1:09:02
but it was so fun. Yeah.
1:09:04
Three eleven's great. And then they had
1:09:07
other bands. I mean, stick figure was
1:09:09
on there. I mean, it was How
1:09:11
big is the room that they perform in? Is there like a huge ballroom
1:09:13
or do they perform? Like, they perform in
1:09:15
each cabin. Everyone
1:09:18
gets their own show. So but did they tell you when they're coming into your room or no?
1:09:20
No. Usually, they just you wake
1:09:22
up and there's Nick Hexam. Yep. Down
1:09:25
down. That's
1:09:25
when they put
1:09:27
you to bed. Yep. That's all I would
1:09:29
ever receive. It's a night sun. Not a mess. And my English will be god. You're like,
1:09:31
you guys I'm trying to
1:09:34
take a shower. Can you get the fuck out of my room? Mhmm. Three
1:09:37
eleven. Exactly. Whoa.
1:09:40
The area is the color of
1:09:42
your energy. That's what they're saying to
1:09:44
me. it's nice because they walked me
1:09:46
on the bathroom. But no, it's really fun. But the three eleven cruise was the most drugs ever
1:09:49
seen. People
1:09:52
are just using their money after it. Do they check
1:09:54
you when you get on the boat for? Like like, his people can't bring your own liquor and all that stuff. Do they check their
1:09:56
bags and all that
1:09:58
bullshit? How did they come? wonder
1:10:00
how that well, did you get on the boat? Did they
1:10:02
not check any of your shit? I don't have any drugs. No. Your bag did not look to your bag at all do security? go through
1:10:05
a thing, but I mean, I don't know. Yeah. Metal
1:10:07
detectors are probably at most. I
1:10:10
mean, I, you know, I think a lot of it was, you
1:10:12
know, I mean, I shouldn't spoiler
1:10:14
alert people do drugs -- Yeah.
1:10:17
-- whatever. But
1:10:20
I remember When I did the train
1:10:22
cruise the first time, I was at the hotel the night before,
1:10:24
and I'm
1:10:27
at this couple or it was it was a granddaughter and her
1:10:29
grandmother, and they were going on the train cruise. And the grandmother was like sixty. You
1:10:31
know, she wasn't like super
1:10:33
old. The daughter was like
1:10:36
twenty two. granddaughter. And the grandma's
1:10:38
like, she goes, hey, I love your comedy,
1:10:41
and am
1:10:44
I cool. And she goes, do you wanna do you
1:10:46
wanna drink? And I go, yeah, I gotta cocktail right here. And she had a bottle of shampoo.
1:10:51
And she goes, you this? go, no, I
1:10:53
don't drink shampoo. It's weird
1:10:55
you would think. And then
1:10:57
she was like, no. No.
1:10:59
It's not shampoo. It's fireball. And she had
1:11:02
emptied, like, eight shampoo bottles -- Oh, yeah.
1:11:04
-- and filled them with fireball. Good for
1:11:06
her. So she could, like, get them on.
1:11:08
Yeah. And
1:11:10
I'm like, how thoroughly did you rinse such?
1:11:12
She was like foaming at the mouth. And I'm like,
1:11:14
no. I'm kidding. It's your two in
1:11:17
one. I'm congesting my
1:11:20
teeth. So but no. She
1:11:22
was drinking it. I'm like, no. I'm
1:11:24
good. Like,
1:11:26
I still don't I still don't want it. Shout out to grandma
1:11:29
for fucking being being And then so
1:11:31
clever. We set the
1:11:33
bar, drink, drink, drink, drink, and then the
1:11:35
hours, she goes by. And then somebody goes, hey, to the
1:11:38
girl, she goes, your grandma
1:11:40
fell down in
1:11:43
the parking lot. And she's like, oh, okay. And
1:11:45
she just leaves. There's no emergency. It's like That's Nana. Nana
1:11:48
got shampoo
1:11:50
with urine. Alright. So you know what? I'm gonna go on the train tour. I'm announcing it right
1:11:53
now. I'm skipping out whatever I was gonna do in
1:11:55
February. It doesn't matter. I'm coming.
1:11:57
Yes, I can. I'm gonna buy tickets right now and I'm gonna
1:11:59
go. You should look at it. It's really fun, man. I I maybe I will. We
1:12:01
should look into doing a cruise thing, and maybe that
1:12:03
would convince me as long as we Maybe he's out
1:12:05
there and they're listening on how to do that. I mean,
1:12:08
I could probably
1:12:10
figured out. But leave in the comments when we post this, would people go on a cruise tour? Yeah. It's me and
1:12:12
Santino. you
1:12:17
get to pick three other comics. Pick them down below. Name
1:12:19
them down below. Pick what? Yeah. Name in
1:12:23
the comments. a cruise ship, me, Santino, three fucking comments. Now I'm kind
1:12:25
of excited to do this. Believable. You know what I
1:12:27
mean? You can't say, like,
1:12:29
Sam Kennison or something.
1:12:32
Yeah. Carlin, Thank you, Brian. We'll get him.
1:12:34
Charlie Chaplin. Alright. Leave it down below. And in the meantime, when you're clicking around
1:12:36
the Internet, please go to
1:12:38
next sports and dot net. and
1:12:41
buy some tickets to go see my little prince
1:12:43
live. He's got probably fourteen more cities left
1:12:46
for thirteen more cities.
1:12:48
He's one of the funniest people to ever grace
1:12:50
this earth tomorrow night. Come see me, Denver. Please come see your boy tape my special. See you special. Again, one
1:12:53
of the funniest people. Tomorrow tomorrow.
1:12:55
Come out Denver, Colorado. we
1:12:58
understand the same way. Look in that camera and you
1:13:00
say one word or one phrase that's gonna end
1:13:02
the episode for the rest of time when
1:13:05
you're ready. Squeeze.
1:13:09
point
1:13:12
In
1:13:13
here, we pull. Whisk. Whisk.
1:13:15
Whisk. Whisk. You're that creature
1:13:18
in the ginger beer.
1:13:20
Sturdy. Ginger.
1:13:22
Like that. The gingerbread. Yes.
1:13:24
Ginger's up hughes. You want me
1:13:26
five dollars for the whiskey for seventy
1:13:28
five dollars for Ginger are
1:13:31
here now. Let's Swiss confuse. Ginger. I like ginger.
Podchaser is the ultimate destination for podcast data, search, and discovery. Learn More