0:00

God can't bless who you pretend to

0:02

be or who you compare yourself to. He

0:04

can only bless you and the

0:07

lame that was created for you. I feel

0:09

that for somebody, you

0:12

don't need no edge entity, you need boundaries.

0:15

What I don't need your mics,

0:17

I don't need your validation.

0:19

All I need is a god hoddy prob me

0:21

that said all things, all

0:23

things, all things.

0:28

Chad.

0:30

For all day. It's

0:33

interview time.

0:34

I'm exciting.

0:35

How does this go?

0:36

We just kind of you know, that's

0:38

live your life.

0:39

He's sister. Yes, I like

0:41

that. Pjonmas. They're saved.

0:43

They are saved, Okay, showing.

0:47

A little little better.

0:52

Yes, thank you for doing this. Of course,

0:55

I'm so excited to talk to you. It's always a joy

0:57

to talk to you. You know. Just moments ago I

0:59

found out that you flew out for this. Yeah,

1:02

I am blown away by

1:06

the sacrifice.

1:07

That's what friends do. You don't have no friends

1:09

that get on a plane for you. You need

1:11

some new friends.

1:13

That's true. That's a nugget, that's tweetable. Yes,

1:15

it is. You better started already that I

1:18

don't know. I guess friendship

1:20

in the nature of friendship and womanhood

1:23

just changes so much throughout the years,

1:25

and I think sometimes you know that there are

1:28

certain things you would do for people, but you don't

1:30

always know, like what what are

1:32

the depths of what they will do in

1:34

return? It's good? Yeah, so

1:36

like, but you showed up. No,

1:39

I'm very grateful for that. Thank

1:42

you.

1:42

I am grateful for you. I am grateful

1:44

for everything that you do.

1:47

The phone call meant the world to me,

1:50

and I just felt that

1:53

I am supposed to be here, so it

1:55

was no problem.

1:56

It was no problem, have the app on my phone, you plane,

2:00

come here and land. I hate some calamari and

2:02

a lobby. We're here. I

2:05

feel like the last year of your life

2:07

that I've known you, that you have been so

2:09

intentional about being

2:11

where you want to be and

2:13

not where you people think you should

2:16

be, and doing what feeds you.

2:18

How did you come to that place? Have you always

2:20

been there? And maybe I'm just now more exposed

2:23

to it than I was before. But no,

2:25

I think circumstances, life, things

2:29

will happen that kind of shake you to

2:32

maybe shift you, and you're like, way, hold

2:35

up, what do I need to be doing?

2:37

I am at an age where

2:40

I think you know twenty years in the

2:42

entertainment business.

2:43

At such a young age, you're kind of spoiled.

2:46

People are doing things for you,

2:48

you know, and it's like.

2:49

Okay, at what point do you grow up?

2:51

At what point do you begin to make

2:54

meaningful, intentional moves

2:56

that set you up even

2:58

better for the rest of your life. So I'm

3:01

in a place where I'm happily saying

3:03

no. I am

3:06

literally looking for sales to see what accent

3:08

chairs I can get for my new

3:10

place. So that's where

3:13

I am. God has been so good that I

3:15

needed to I

3:17

just wanted to take some time out to say,

3:20

Okay, these next moves

3:22

got to be God moves. And

3:24

that's where I am.

3:26

So how do you say no without feeling the

3:29

fear of letting people down or maybe

3:31

people pleasing? I thought about that

3:33

the other day.

3:34

I have a situation that has

3:36

come up, and it's

3:38

a situation.

3:39

Where now I know my worth okay,

3:42

And I was like.

3:43

In oh with like three exclamation

3:45

points, and it felt so good.

3:49

And when people say how do you do it? You

3:52

just do it?

3:53

Or maybe it's because you've done

3:56

You've been put in situations so many times

3:58

where you do do things for other and

4:00

then you.

4:00

Kind of feel lucky.

4:02

Yeah, like I should

4:04

have said no because I know my worth, yeah

4:06

you know, and so that's where I am. I know my worth

4:08

and that that means me sitting out, then

4:11

that's what I'll do.

4:12

So if you had to go back and give

4:14

yourself and I know, like we don't live

4:17

with regrets and all of those things. If you had to

4:19

go back twenty years ago when you were

4:21

that young girl in the entertainment industry

4:23

who was starting golf and people were doing

4:25

things for you, what's one thing that you would whisper

4:27

in her ear.

4:30

I would whisper her in her in her

4:33

ear and say it's okay to speak up.

4:36

It's okay to speak up. And

4:38

that's that.

4:39

Yeah, it's okay to speak up. And when

4:41

you look back, you know, people

4:43

will respect you later, like, yeah,

4:46

she had a backbone.

4:48

Yeah you know, Because I think

4:50

that that's really significant because people end

4:52

up feeling trapped in their own lives and

4:55

it's like, how do I get out of this

4:58

without upsetting it? Yeah you

5:00

know, But the truth is you can't

5:02

get out of it without upsetting it in

5:05

some capacity, because if it were working,

5:07

then you could keep it the same, but it's not working.

5:10

So how do I get out of this with peace

5:12

that the upset is only so that I

5:15

can reset? She

5:17

got bar okay, and God

5:19

can give me the foundation that I really

5:22

need. But I think there's a fear of

5:25

my life falling apart, a fear of

5:27

people changing the way that they see me.

5:29

At what point do we come to this place

5:32

where it's like, yeah, but what I need is

5:34

more important than where I am.

5:37

I think when you find yourself,

5:40

you know, yes,

5:43

when you get in certain positions, you

5:45

are to be a blessing, you're supposed to help, You're supposed

5:48

to help launch, you're supposed.

5:49

To do this.

5:49

When when you find out you're

5:51

at a deficit, then

5:54

that's an issue, you know, because you're not

5:56

taking care of you. You're not You're saying

5:58

yes to so many other people, but you're not even

6:00

you don't know how to say yes to you anymore. And

6:02

so in this season, it's me, you

6:05

know, saying yes to myself, and

6:09

that's really, really an

6:12

awesome feeling. I don't know if

6:14

forty has anything to do with it.

6:17

I don't know if experience

6:19

hurts this and that,

6:22

but I just want better. I

6:25

just want better.

6:26

I just want better. And you've been so transparent

6:29

on social media about that pursuit

6:31

of better, and you have shared

6:34

so many things that I have related to

6:36

that I know so many other people relate

6:38

to. And I know that social media

6:40

can be a challenging place for all of

6:42

us. But I know that it has not

6:44

been easy growing up in the

6:47

spotlight the way that you have, with

6:49

so much with people having so much

6:51

access to you. You know what I mean, Because

6:54

before social media, you could be famous and what

6:56

people were saying like they'd have to be a reporter

6:58

to get to you. But now anyone can say

7:00

anything. And yet you steal with

7:03

so much clarity, with so much

7:05

seeming confident, share your vulnerability

7:08

so that people can be helped.

7:10

Yeah. I know for me right now running

7:13

my own social media, which one day

7:15

that will change, but it's like I don't want to put

7:17

anything out there that's not real.

7:20

At the same time, I still believe in it, having

7:22

some mystique about me, just like you do.

7:24

But giving people enough like.

7:26

Okay, lord, this this is gonna help somebody,

7:28

It's gonna inspire somebody. They probably gonna

7:30

find out anyway, you just put another you tell

7:32

your story. Don't let anybody else tell your story.

7:36

But I am at a place where I feel

7:38

like I've gone through some

7:40

of the same things that other

7:43

people, the person who brought the cookies

7:45

here might have gone through. It.

7:47

It's like, no share that. Let people know that.

7:50

And I think that one of the things that I mind

7:52

the most is how you're kind of like un weaving

7:55

some of the things that your childhood experiences

7:59

placed into the woman you are now. My

8:02

husband and I say all the time, are like everything that's wrong

8:04

with everybody started when they were a kids. There

8:06

was anexperience or an exposure

8:09

that shaped how you see the world. Would

8:11

have been some of those things that you're comfortable sharing

8:14

that kind of shaped you as a woman

8:16

that you had to decide, no, I want to take a different

8:18

form. Well, words

8:20

are very powerful.

8:23

Words that were spoken to you at

8:25

three or thirteen, twenty

8:28

three or thirty three, words are very

8:30

powerful. And so when you look

8:32

at words that are spoken to you, if somebody

8:35

says, you know, I wish you were never here, okay,

8:38

well at thirteen, you kind of don't

8:41

you kind of like that was mean, yeah,

8:44

okay, But then something

8:47

in you internalizes

8:50

it and you take that in now.

8:51

It might not.

8:54

It might not like manifest itself right

8:56

then and there, but maybe seven years, ten years

8:59

from now. You're wondering

9:01

why you don't feel like you're valuable

9:03

and you're worthless. Well, somebody told you that they

9:06

wish you weren't here. So what does that tell you?

9:08

Oh you wish? Oh so I don't mean anything

9:10

to you. I am of no value.

9:13

So what you'll begin to do is you seek

9:16

out opportunities. You'll seek out relationships

9:20

that maybe you're trying to am

9:22

I worthy on my list, and then you start performing,

9:24

you know, you start doing all these things. And

9:27

so I'm at a place where I want to be so

9:29

filled up with God's love because

9:33

God's love is supposed to trickle down

9:35

to the parents, from the parents

9:37

down to the children. Okay, so for me,

9:40

what am I pouring out? I

9:42

can't pour out something that's not in me,

9:45

right, So I'm in a place where, Okay, God,

9:47

you have to saturate me. I want this love

9:49

that I hear these people talk about.

9:52

And I'm saying about it.

9:54

I've read devotionals about

9:56

it, but I'm like, I just really want to

9:58

sit on my swing and like God, Okay,

10:01

I want to feel your love, and there moments

10:03

where I'm like, I really am feeling

10:06

his love to be so filled

10:09

up that I am now choosing

10:12

opportunities and choosing relationships

10:14

out of being holed and full, not

10:16

out of what I lack.

10:18

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woman Evolve again, zochdoc

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them we sent you. I

11:46

think that for me my

11:48

relationships because I have were spoken over

11:50

me too right that I internalized

11:53

that. I didn't think we're a big deal in the moment, But

11:55

then I looked up and I was like, wait a minute.

11:57

I've been trying to find someone who would help

12:00

me uprout these words. I think that

12:02

that's what toxic relationships really

12:04

are, Like, please help me uprout this. I'm

12:06

bleeding, I'm hurting. I can't figure out where the lead

12:09

is helped me uprooted, uprooted, and

12:11

to your point, coming to a place where you're like, you know

12:13

what, I just want wholeness. The people who I

12:15

thought would help me uprooted planted more

12:17

seeds and now I'm in more of a mess. And

12:20

so now I think the healthiest relationships

12:22

are people who plant and so into you.

12:25

It's so good, that's right. What have you had

12:27

to uproot?

12:29

Oh gosh, I've

12:32

had to uproot a lot of anger.

12:35

Funny enough, like I feel like

12:37

I am one of the most nicest, outgoing

12:41

to people.

12:42

I know all

12:46

of those things and didn't know

12:48

that.

12:49

Man, I've got some stones in my heart

12:51

because you feel like a stony

12:54

hearted person.

12:55

I just remember old mean church

12:57

mothers.

12:58

Yeah, now a church mother and should

13:00

not be in the same sense as me. But you know

13:02

people that just look like this, Yeah,

13:05

you would think, okay, they have a stony heart,

13:07

but no, it's those of us who

13:10

got this good bakeup on honey, got

13:12

that two inch barrel curling

13:14

nine these waves and they're flowing, and

13:17

you have some stones around your heart. And

13:19

it's like those stones are

13:21

like each word that was spoken to

13:23

you, each betrayal, each

13:25

hurt, and before you know it, there's

13:28

just like stones around

13:30

your heart. So I've had to uproot

13:33

all of that anger, bitterness, some

13:35

resentment, some regret.

13:37

Shame, Oh shame is my

13:39

shame stone? Oh man, I

13:42

knew.

13:42

Better even if I said it out of anger.

13:45

You steal the soul. It's

13:47

like words spoken

13:49

to me. I've spewed them out

13:52

on people. So I'm doing the same thing

13:54

that I said that I would never do.

13:56

You have really been

14:00

intentional about how you're

14:02

in the spotlight and when you're in the spotlight,

14:05

and maybe most people would be surprised, maybe they

14:07

wouldn't that you really do have a very

14:09

low key life. It's a very low

14:11

key life.

14:12

And if if anybody's in my life right

14:14

now, or who wants to be in my life right

14:16

now based off of who they know me to be,

14:18

They're going to be really bored and really mad

14:20

because I'm not at all the

14:22

like happening scenees

14:25

and parties and fashion shows and

14:28

run this like if

14:32

it's meaningful and I have

14:34

like a sincere attachment to

14:36

it, I'll go. But I

14:39

really would rather eat

14:41

Panda Express and watch Judge Judy.

14:43

And I know that to be true because when you came

14:45

to LA, I don't think you were here.

14:48

You were like, can we I think we were going to

14:50

hang out and I was like, well, I'm at home. I think

14:53

maybe I was pregnant or just had baby.

14:55

My mom was there, She cooked them, always

14:57

cooked them. That's

14:59

my That is hard, and we

15:01

had the best time. That's

15:04

my kind of party.

15:06

I am trying to really, like, Okay, Lord,

15:08

be a good steward over the

15:10

platform you give me, over the access

15:12

you give me. And there are people who are

15:14

dying to like have

15:17

this seat and have this access. But

15:19

if I don't have, like an I don't

15:22

like just going to parties just just to

15:24

look at people. And that's a lot of money I gotta

15:26

spend on glam. Got

15:29

to do that and wondering

15:31

if you like me over there and this. So

15:34

I don't do that at all.

15:35

But in your downtime, you

15:38

have really been doing not just a lot

15:40

of like soul work, but

15:43

I think like spiritual work too. Definitely

15:46

the spiritual work.

15:47

I have been just

15:49

trying to get to know this

15:53

word. Getting

15:55

this word broke down because

15:57

what I'm not going to do is cullt something even

16:00

in Sarah be like, that's

16:04

not what that means.

16:05

Okay, call me later, Okay,

16:09

you know I don't I don't want that at all.

16:11

And so I just believe I have a

16:13

feeling of where God is

16:16

taking me, and I'm just in

16:18

just taking this time of preparation

16:22

to be ready. I'm

16:24

writing I'm writing a book. I

16:26

can't believe it. I've

16:29

been doing these intensives called healing

16:32

the heart, and I really

16:34

am like, okay, God, I know you want me to spread

16:36

this message of your healing

16:39

and your love for

16:42

people like us. Okay for

16:45

people that for

16:48

actually the messages for everybody. I won't

16:50

say that, the messages for everybody

16:52

whoever. He allows me to tell

16:55

it too. That's what I'm preparing for.

16:57

So we're talking inner healing, inner

16:59

healing, inner healing, inner healing.

17:03

So for me, last year, I went to this retreat

17:06

and to

17:09

make a long story short, they're

17:11

talking about how a child needs

17:14

ten emotional needs met and

17:17

I didn't have any of them met. What

17:19

are them? Less of it? And then so some

17:21

of them.

17:22

Are like affirmation, security,

17:26

respect, safety,

17:30

you know. Now we had things

17:33

like you got clothes on your back,

17:35

you.

17:36

Got a roof over your head, and.

17:38

What like shoes on your feet or something like

17:40

that. But when it comes to.

17:42

Like you are awesome,

17:45

you did good baby, And

17:47

when I.

17:48

Say security, meaning

17:50

okay, yes I have a roof over my

17:53

head, but are you making

17:55

sure that the.

17:55

Atmosphere in this house is safe?

17:58

You know?

17:59

Can I come to you and share things how

18:01

are you and daddy doing? But you have to remember

18:03

some of our parents were just doing the best that they

18:05

could shore what they knew. Okay,

18:07

So but now that I'm learning, you

18:10

can learn, and now you can have compassion on

18:12

your parents or whoever raised you, like

18:15

man, Okay, so they just didn't know. But to

18:17

know that there are certain emotional needs that were

18:19

not met as a child, and then what happens

18:21

is as an adult you begin to

18:23

show some of those symptoms. You

18:26

know, some of those symptoms could be you're you're

18:28

not confident in making decisions.

18:31

You know.

18:34

You are.

18:35

If you didn't get affirmation, it's

18:38

a possibility you will be insecure. You

18:41

might even be promiscuous. You might

18:43

because you're seeking it. And it's not

18:45

a bad thing. It's something that you're longing

18:47

for and you're seeking it. I don't think the

18:49

act of seeking it is necessarily

18:52

bad. I would think just who you're

18:54

trying to get it from and

18:57

what kind yeah

18:59

fulfillment getting that I think is wrong.

19:02

That affirmation, like the idea

19:04

of affirmation being one of those ten

19:06

emotional needs like really struck me

19:09

because I think I

19:11

think I had a lot of those other things,

19:14

at least some of the other things that you named.

19:17

But I think that when I wasn't affirmed

19:19

specifically after my pregnancy,

19:22

and not in what I did, but like in who

19:24

I was, I think that

19:26

that really did something to my mind because

19:28

now I have all of these questions about who

19:30

I am and what this means about

19:33

me now, and so I need

19:35

someone to tell me who I am now,

19:37

to tell me I still have worth, to tell me I shall

19:39

have value. And I don't

19:42

know that I ever heard that. Wow.

19:44

Well, I know you're a world changer.

19:46

You're out here changing a

19:48

life, changing lives,

19:51

changing people's world.

19:55

So I can affirm that in

19:57

you. I can affirm that you

19:59

are a great mother. You're

20:02

one of your beautiful to

20:05

you know, your beautiful son is sitting

20:07

right here, amazing. So that's

20:09

what I can affirm

20:12

to you. You are a great friend.

20:15

That's what I can definitely tell you

20:17

you. We might not talk all the time, but

20:19

I know that you are there.

20:22

You know what I mean.

20:23

So, oh

20:26

my gosh, you're a great gift

20:28

giver. What You're

20:31

a great gift giver. That

20:33

pan that y'all were frying those chicken

20:35

wings in you.

20:36

Sent one to me.

20:38

Okay, so, okay, I can

20:40

affirm and tell you artists

20:43

love.

20:43

Your cheap bones.

20:44

Okay, alright, Like, let's

20:47

go on and on and let

20:49

me tell you.

20:53

I don't want anymore. I don't

20:55

want you.

20:57

Barre a gifted. I affirmed

21:00

you and who you are. Then the Holy

21:02

Spirit, thank you.

21:11

I swear it water.

21:13

I swear with water. What is

21:15

wrong? I swear to water.

21:17

I just had to let out of Hallelujah. If their song

21:19

is says yes, there is

21:22

in.

21:24

Here, honey. Okay,

21:29

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23:15

would you say, how long has this transformation

23:19

been taking place within you? And what was like

23:21

the thing where you said, all right, enough is enough.

23:24

Yeah, I would say top of January

23:27

two thousand nineteen

23:29

is when the transformation started taking place. But

23:32

I'll go ahead and say it. I think for me was

23:34

the loss of my engagement because

23:36

it's like, how can you I

23:41

would say,

23:44

the root of the depression, right, if

23:47

that is not dealt with, that

23:49

will rob the very

23:52

thing you've been praying for. It

23:54

can rob the very thing you're not praying for. It

23:56

can make your clarity off,

23:59

it can just you know. And

24:01

I would say I was pretty lost there for a minute,

24:04

you know, and some people got hurt along the

24:06

way. And so I think when

24:08

my engagement ended, I was like, you

24:12

can't get this right. You

24:14

know, you had somebody who

24:16

was faithful, someone like I never had

24:18

to check his phone, and who like all that petty

24:20

stuff us, you know, doing

24:22

the past. And so it's

24:25

I think it took me losing

24:28

that to be like, all right,

24:31

what is it?

24:32

What is it?

24:33

What is it that you could not keep that?

24:36

And so I definitely became a runner,

24:39

you know, to like this

24:42

is so stupid, it's fine, where

24:45

like you're thinking

24:47

they're thinking in the relationship because

24:49

they said no, you just need to pluck.

24:51

You got a little mustache, you gotta need to pluck. And

24:54

I'm like, he doesn't want to

24:56

be with me. It's so extrage

24:59

He's gonna get one who's had laser hair removal

25:02

the whole thing. She never has hair on her little and

25:05

it's like, no, he just sait here

25:07

bab, here's some tweezers. Yeah, that's all

25:09

he want to be a that's

25:13

real life's true life story.

25:14

By the way, Like that's I

25:16

mean, that's that's but

25:18

I totally get it. But you know

25:21

what I think it is. I do think that when

25:23

you've been in emotionally abusive relationships,

25:26

they use anything as a reason for why they

25:28

acted out the way that they did. So you

25:31

see anything as a reason for someone

25:33

to leave.

25:33

Yeah, yeah, And I'm just

25:35

like, but it's good that

25:38

you know.

25:39

I'm getting it now.

25:40

I hate that it took that, you

25:43

know, because I'm supposed to be

25:45

celebrating like a year marriage

25:47

next week.

25:48

Literally I'm supposed to be. Let

25:50

me tell me what I'm supposed to be, right, this

25:53

is what God, this is what I was supposed to be pregnant,

25:57

So.

25:57

You know, but I am I am learning

26:00

all of this now, and I know whatever this

26:03

intentional time of preparation. I'm

26:05

like, lord, I believe the other side

26:08

is going to be beautiful.

26:09

Yeah. I don't know.

26:11

What it is, who it's with, what,

26:13

I don't know everything, but I know it's

26:15

beautiful.

26:16

I think you were always the other side.

26:19

I don't think the other side

26:21

that's so good. Come

26:24

on, you spent bar you

26:26

were always this. I almost had to think

26:28

about that for a minute. Yeah, you it

26:31

was me. You are the other side.

26:34

But no, honestly though, I'll

26:37

never forget. And my husband always

26:39

talks about like psychics having a gift

26:41

that they abuse him and they be like for power vies

26:43

in my toxic marriage. I want to go see

26:46

a psychic because I needed answers. I

26:48

needed answers what's happening here? And

26:50

I was married at the time, and I was like, is

26:52

he ever going to be faithful? Is anything going to

26:55

happen? Like what is going to happen? And

26:57

he just kept saying it's about you, It's

26:59

about you, It's about you, And I

27:01

was like no, and

27:04

I want my money back because I came here

27:07

about this and him. Yeah,

27:10

but I understand now

27:12

that it was always about me. And

27:14

I do think that we have this picture in

27:16

our head of what our life is supposed to be

27:19

like, and we're like, when we get there, then

27:21

we made it to the other side.

27:23

But because I would have

27:25

went into marriage not

27:28

knowing this

27:30

stuff that I needed to know about me, I would

27:32

have gone into marriage trying to know

27:35

me. Yeah, And I think

27:37

in marriage tell me if I'm

27:39

wrong. I think in marriage you will

27:42

be trying to know you. But

27:45

I didn't know me at the at the

27:47

place that I should know me before I get

27:50

into a marriage.

27:52

You know, it is because marriage is very much

27:54

so introducing yourself to a person

27:57

over and over and over again. Yeah,

27:59

and they introduce you to a version

28:01

of you that you don't know either.

28:03

And I actually something I saw your dad

28:05

say today. Bringing kids

28:07

in, you know, it'll

28:10

be changed you. So you have to keep growing

28:13

going and you know. So you

28:16

know, a part of me is like, Okay, God, I can

28:18

do that, and a part of me is like,

28:21

yeah, I'm cool with just me and.

28:22

These walls, right, because inviting

28:25

someone into that space is

28:28

it takes a lot of vulnerability. But

28:31

I think when you feel like God

28:33

brought that person into your life. That's

28:35

ultimately where the trust is. It's

28:38

not even in the person being consistent

28:40

and remaining the same. It goes

28:42

back to where was I when we got together?

28:45

Could I recognize God when you came

28:47

into my life? And so if

28:49

God is the core, because that's what we get,

28:51

and.

28:52

I know for me, you know, we

28:56

have to be careful too and be

28:59

like, Okay, what God you did

29:01

bring this person?

29:03

But where am I to where I don't.

29:05

Feel worthy of who or

29:07

what you brought into my life?

29:10

Too? So feeling feeling

29:13

worthy of it, you know, is

29:15

a thing. You know. I will

29:17

look at my engagement ring sometimes

29:19

like.

29:19

Really, well, why

29:22

didn't he Maybe he should

29:24

be with a praise and worship leader, Maybe he should

29:26

be with somebody that he can copastor

29:29

with.

29:30

I know I can sit on the front row, you

29:32

know.

29:32

And the thing isn't I'm saying, I'm thinking

29:35

all these things and you're thinking yourself

29:37

out of the.

29:38

Very thing that God gave you. Yeah. I

29:40

feel like when I met Trey that he made

29:43

me wonder what it was that

29:45

God saw in me that

29:47

I felt worthy?

29:51

But I also felt intrigued, hmmm,

29:54

like what is it that you see

29:56

in me? That I don't fully

29:58

see. That's it's amazing,

30:01

that's right, yeah, which

30:03

is how we feel with God, you know

30:05

what I mean. The love

30:07

didn't make me feel insecure.

30:10

It made me stand in wonder, you

30:12

know. And I always talk about

30:15

how he created a space that

30:18

was bigger than me. You talk

30:20

in paintings. I just could see in

30:23

wondering, Yes,

30:26

just standing in all But

30:29

when a person creates a space that's

30:32

bigger than you, it makes you wonder

30:35

can I feel this space like you think?

30:37

I can feel this space? And

30:40

I constantly gave the love,

30:43

took the love that he gave me and put

30:45

it in the ground so that it could produce

30:47

roots and so that I could grow into

30:49

that space. And I

30:51

believe that I added value to him

30:53

too. But it does go

30:56

back to really believing that you can add

30:58

value to someone. Yeah. Yeah.

31:02

The crazy thing is is that I feel

31:04

like in certain ways I

31:07

knew what I brought to the table. You

31:09

know, I can add value to you.

31:12

But can I receive what

31:14

you give to me and what

31:17

you.

31:17

Bring to me? Am I worried? Can I open up?

31:19

Can I really receive it? Can I? You

31:21

know?

31:22

I saw this picture

31:24

of a cup and it had

31:26

holes in it, okay, and

31:28

pouring water into a water is going into

31:30

it. You would think the cup should could be able

31:32

to hold it. But I think of all

31:34

those holes and all those wounds.

31:37

You know, whatever it is trying to be poured

31:40

into you, it cannot stay there,

31:42

you know, because you're not healed.

31:44

Yeah, you're not healed.

31:46

And you know, people can think that

31:49

nothing can be too little or

31:51

too big that you that you cannot

31:53

or should be healed from.

31:55

I don't care if it's because you were bullied into.

31:57

Whatever whatever it is and

31:59

whatever where it is too that even

32:03

traumatized you. I've

32:06

got to get into the book about the

32:08

body keep score.

32:11

Okay, So the body keeps.

32:13

Score of every word,

32:15

every physical hit,

32:18

every betrayal, everything,

32:21

the body it does

32:23

keep scoring. And I think people wonder why,

32:26

man, at certain times of the year, why

32:28

do I get sad your body

32:30

got used to that? It's I

32:32

don't know, our bodies are incredible,

32:35

you know, so.

32:38

Really really really

32:41

being.

32:41

Healed of that. I don't want my body keeping

32:43

score nothing

32:46

traumatic anymore.

32:49

And I think seeing things as traumatic

32:51

is helpful too, and not like it,

32:53

Oh it just hurt my feelings. But it's fine,

32:56

but like this was a trauma. Yeah, no, call les

32:58

call things what it is.

33:00

No, this was abuse. Abuse just

33:02

isn't physical. It could be

33:04

emotional, verbal, you know,

33:07

let's call it. Let's call it what it is.

33:09

And if you were the inflictor, that's

33:12

call it what it is. I inflicted this pain.

33:14

I inflicted these words, this

33:16

abuse onto somebody. And if it means going

33:19

to go sit with the therapist, a Christian

33:22

counselor to have

33:25

somebody to process that with,

33:28

you know, because a lot of people, the ones

33:30

who had the pain done to them, they'll go sit.

33:33

But no, I got it. I inflicted the point.

33:36

I need to go sit and figure out why I

33:38

was inflicting the pain.

33:40

And I also think that we have to realize

33:43

that the person who hurts you may not be the person

33:45

who can fix you. That's so good, that's

33:47

so good. So to take ownership

33:49

of your own healing instead of waiting on

33:51

someone to finally apologize and finally

33:54

get it together. That's good because so many

33:56

people, I mean, how many how many times have you heard

33:58

a lot of people that hurt you don't even though that hurts you,

34:00

They've gone on and they married with kids, right,

34:03

You know if you ever apologize to have you

34:05

know, gone to somebody and they be like

34:08

I did that, Yeah,

34:10

they didn't even realize.

34:11

Or no, and you've carried it for twenty

34:14

thirty years and they've gone on with life.

34:16

They're good. Yeah, Or

34:18

even parents, because I know a lot

34:20

of questions that we get on mom and EVOLV

34:23

has to do with like toxic parenting or

34:25

maybe toxic siblings and how

34:27

they want their parents or want those

34:30

people who've been in their life to fix what

34:32

occurred. But they can't

34:34

fix it. And to be fair,

34:36

it's not their responsibility to fix it

34:39

because in the perfect

34:41

world we would want them to. But if

34:43

it comes down today fix it or I

34:45

stay broken, then that

34:47

that's not gonna work. Yes, believing

34:50

people from their responsibility

34:52

to fix you even when

34:54

they broke you. Is it

34:57

changed my life? It really

34:59

changed my life. Yeah. When is the book coming

35:01

out?

35:02

Oh gosh, we are trying to fast track

35:04

it for fall of this year.

35:06

I know that that is in.

35:08

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FDIC. Who

36:46

needs to read this book?

36:48

Oh man, everybody

36:50

needs to read this book. It's

36:53

about checking in with yourself,

36:55

checking in with others, and checking in with God.

36:58

Everybody needs to read this book. And

37:01

for the person who I'm

37:05

very transparent, So everything that I'm

37:08

that we're maybe even talking about today, little

37:10

bits and pieces of that will be in the book too.

37:12

So that person

37:14

that does not feel worthy because

37:16

of things that have happened to you were

37:18

spoken over you. You know, this book

37:21

is for you to speaking

37:24

life into that person. Hopefully

37:27

where I've been, it

37:30

can be a road map for you, like, Okay,

37:33

she can do this, this is how she did it.

37:35

I believe this can work for this can work

37:38

for me.

37:38

And just carefully, the spirit of God

37:40

is all over that book to have

37:43

major breakthrough for people.

37:45

Is this your purpose? Oh

37:48

yeah? Oh? Will you better? And

37:51

is? I know?

37:52

My mom was telling me the one day that

37:55

her mother that

37:57

she was laying on her deathbed, she called

38:00

all of her kids and then prophesied to each

38:02

of her children what they're

38:04

what my with her children children?

38:07

So when it got to.

38:09

My mom, and then when it came to me, you

38:11

know, she said that I would be an evangelist,

38:13

and I was like, hm, the

38:16

one that has to like have the room tim apple

38:18

juice with the napkin on top and

38:21

the armor bear they bring you your Bible into the pulpit

38:23

like that kind of evangelizing. And

38:26

it's not not quite looking that

38:29

way, but I think in what we're doing now

38:31

is evangelizing me being

38:34

responsible with my platform.

38:38

Is he is evangelizing not

38:40

necessarily tent revivals,

38:43

because that's what I was scared of. That's like no,

38:46

I was like, but let

38:48

me tell you what my mama said. She said, if you can

38:51

get up on that stage and sing, you

38:53

can get in that pulpit and teach

38:55

the word.

38:56

I was like, all

39:00

right, all right.

39:02

She read me.

39:03

It's crazy though, because obviously

39:06

you've had this incredible have

39:09

this incredible career, but

39:11

the career wasn't the purpose.

39:14

The career led to purpose. Yes, the

39:16

career definitely led to purpose.

39:19

And even my

39:21

appetite is changing in

39:24

certain areas of my career. So

39:27

it's like, okay, Jesus, he's

39:30

doing it, Like all right,

39:32

yeah, because I know when

39:35

you are following God, there is

39:37

no there shit, there

39:40

is no missing.

39:41

Out for sure.

39:43

Yeah, what God has for you

39:46

is just follow and be obedient.

39:49

Each step of obedience I'm

39:51

learning lights the path for

39:53

me.

39:54

Because I'm nosy. Yeah,

39:56

I want to know the ending.

39:59

Jesus am I going to sleep? Lord, just

40:01

show me to show just

40:03

show me, just show me. Be

40:06

obedient. And I think that's why

40:08

we're in relationship with God, you know, like

40:11

I'll move, you move, you

40:13

know, and we continue to do this dance.

40:15

Oh that's so good. So if somebody is.

40:17

Feeling stuck right now, it's

40:19

because you just need to make a move,

40:22

make a move. You need to make a move, And

40:25

I cancel the whole fear of

40:27

missing out that

40:29

whole vibe and energy

40:31

and spirit, like the fear of missing out

40:34

of what yeah, what's going on

40:36

Instagram?

40:37

Because when you're not making a move, you're missing out

40:39

on what God has for you. So

40:42

I think that, yes, when

40:45

that that is our my

40:48

greatest fear. I say our

40:50

because terrain. I talk about that all the time

40:52

because like, if we don't do what God told us

40:54

to do, then there's not going to be

40:56

grace on where we are right now, because

40:59

sometimes we don't want to leave the grace where

41:01

we are because we're afraid there's no grace

41:04

in that next step, there's no favor

41:06

in that next step. But the favor

41:08

for here has run dry. That's why I'm being

41:10

cooled to next. Yeah. Yeah, that's

41:12

good and I feel like too.

41:14

So that just lets me know when you feel like, Okay,

41:17

it's kind of dry over here.

41:19

Yeah, because

41:21

the season is done.

41:22

Yeah, move on to the next,

41:25

Move on to the next, move on to the next,

41:27

and just have confidence in that you

41:29

you made great stride, you made

41:33

made a great name, may get great relationships.

41:35

Whatever's supposed to be will be. Just just

41:37

keep it moving. I haven't always been that confident,

41:40

right.

41:41

Do you know what step is

41:43

lit up for you next? Gosh?

41:49

Trusting trusting

41:51

my yes, trusting

41:54

God. I've been getting amazing

41:56

text messages from people who don't even know each

41:58

other. Mong girl was like, hey, I just

42:00

want.

42:00

To I'll read it. And I

42:03

was like, oh m gee,

42:05

I don't know. Do people have their phones in your interviews?

42:08

It doesn't matter. You can do all things through Christ.

42:11

She said, just wanted

42:13

to let you know that you came across my mind praying

42:15

for you and your trust in God's perfect

42:20

and someone else reached out to me and just hey, I just

42:22

want you to be encouraged. I just want you to trust

42:24

the process because this is kind of new

42:26

for me. Sure to really

42:29

be by myself, literally

42:32

me and God waking up in the morning

42:35

saying God, what are we doing today?

42:38

Because I'm taking a lot of time off because

42:40

I want my next moves to be God

42:43

moves.

42:43

Yeah, you know, and.

42:48

I really, I know, I think

42:51

I am.

42:53

I don't know, I don't I don't know. I don't

42:55

want to be a cornball, but I know it's ministry

43:01

that's what's next.

43:03

In a real way, I

43:06

need you in a way I need you to I

43:08

need I need you in a real way,

43:11

in a real, real way. I think

43:13

that you know, there aren't a

43:16

lot of people in

43:18

ministry who can

43:21

reach outside of

43:23

the walls of the church in

43:26

a really impactful way, and

43:30

we need it now more than ever. We

43:33

people need representation. And

43:36

I really do feel like there's a whole generation

43:40

that felt misrepresented in the church

43:43

and more familiar

43:45

with what was happening in the world,

43:48

you know what I mean. And so but I

43:50

know God. I believe in God, but I

43:52

don't see anyone doing God that looks like

43:54

me or who speaks the language

43:57

that I speak. And I think that

43:59

there is such a great need, Like

44:01

we're going on tour with

44:03

Women Evolved, and like we're

44:05

going into places where

44:08

like you just don't see ministers

44:11

going and like filling these types

44:14

of places up. Like I haven't

44:16

been in ministry for like a super long time.

44:18

I don't preach every Sunday. The fact that God

44:20

has given me a platform that people feel connected

44:23

to and will come out to these cities that

44:25

I'm not from and like fill them up

44:27

to me speaks to the need And

44:30

there's such a great need for

44:33

for you and thank

44:35

you.

44:35

I'm I'm

44:38

like, okay, I'm kind of believing

44:40

it, you know, like right,

44:43

I want you to come to of

44:46

course, of course I'm excited.

44:48

I told you I'm gonna be on the tour bus. Yes,

44:52

Bump, I have to send you to day because

44:54

I think that you know you're going to do

44:56

something that's going to be totally

44:59

unique to your sound and what God is doing

45:01

in your life. But I do think there's something

45:03

that just seeing different different

45:06

flows. Yeah, I would love that. I

45:08

would love that.

45:09

You know, I definitely consider

45:11

you a

45:14

mentor. I don't care what our age

45:16

differences are, but yeah, you're

45:18

a mentor.

45:19

So I'll be looking. I

45:23

love you,

45:25

girl. I'm gonna

45:27

make them take always wear

45:30

dark. Come

45:33

on, I affirm you in

45:35

this road show.

45:41

Look at me single, Listen

45:45

exactly what we wear to bed?

45:47

You need. I'm gonna some

45:49

nicer pajamas, but

45:51

this is what we wear. Okay,

45:55

this is what I wear. It is what

45:57

it is. Control, this

46:01

is it. These are the pajama interviews.

46:03

Right or yes,