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Today The Wrong Station is proud to present

1:00

Barmbrack, written

1:02

by Alexander Saxton and performed

1:04

by Oliver Smith.

1:13

October 31st in a new country,

1:16

and it was already black cold outside,

1:19

with hard frost forming on standing

1:21

puddles and a bitter grit falling

1:24

from the lightless sky.

1:26

But it was warm inside the small pub,

1:29

and Siobhan had arrived with a large wicker

1:31

basket covered in white cloth,

1:34

and the smell coming out from underneath

1:36

the linen was rich and

1:38

wholesome.

1:39

Smelling of home. BARMBRACK!

1:43

she announced to great sighs and shouts

1:45

of delight. Placing the basket down

1:48

on the table, she whipped off the cloth,

1:50

revealing a heaped pile of fresh-baked

1:52

rolls, gold-crusted on

1:55

top, and leopards spotted with sultanas,

1:57

raisins, chunks of...

1:59

candy date. The drinkers

2:02

gathered around, their bodies dimming

2:04

the candlelight. All of them

2:06

heavy framed, heavy-handed

2:09

from a life of hard work, but with

2:11

the warm barn breaking their hands, they

2:14

looked like children again. The years

2:17

and cares falling away for one

2:19

short moment, revealing the half-formed

2:22

sprites, the might of beans. Now,

2:25

Siobhan, have you made these the

2:27

traditional way? Ask Seamus

2:29

Cowan, given his row an experimental

2:32

sniff.

2:33

Course I have. And

2:35

do they have trinkets in them? Ask

2:37

me if. Some do,

2:39

some don't.

2:41

She held up one of the barn-bracks.

2:43

Twenty loaves, she informed

2:45

them.

2:46

One of them's got the coin baked into it.

2:49

One of them's got the ring. You got the coin,

2:51

you'll be a rich man this year. You

2:53

get the ring. You'll be married

2:56

before the year's done. What

2:58

about the rag? Declan O'Brien

3:00

was looking dubiously at his bun. Had

3:03

enough bad luck this year. Don't

3:05

really need to risk finding more of it baked into

3:07

my dessert. Well, none of us

3:09

do. Siobhan was a steady

3:12

and solid woman, kind and

3:14

orderly in her ways. Figured it

3:16

was hard enough without the barn-bracks making it

3:18

worse, so I left out all the bad

3:20

prizes this year. No rag,

3:23

no stick. Just the coin

3:25

and the ring. Well, what

3:28

about the pay? Ask Maeve.

3:31

No pay either. Don't need anyone

3:33

else getting poor in this community. No,

3:36

you've got it wrong, said Maeve.

3:39

That's the bean, not the pay.

3:41

The bean's the worst one. And the

3:43

pay's the best. Everyone knows that.

3:47

I thought the pay was the bad one, said

3:49

Seamus Cown. It's not exactly

3:52

worth as much as a coin now, is it? Or

3:54

the hell of a lot more if you ask me, said

3:56

Maeve. Pay means you're

3:59

not getting married this year.

3:59

year.

4:01

That got a general laugh, except

4:03

from Seamus Cowan, who frowned.

4:07

"'Well, what's so great about that?'

4:09

he asked. "'I'd like to get

4:11

married.' He blundered

4:14

right into a trap. "'And

4:16

that,' said Maeve, "'is exactly

4:18

why I don't.' This

4:21

earned another general round of applause, and

4:23

Maeve made a few mock bows while

4:26

people tossed small coins at her. Either

4:29

way,' said Siobhan, when she didn't have to raise

4:31

her voice too much, there's no pea

4:33

and no bean either. There's nothing

4:35

in these loaves except for flour, fruit, a

4:38

ring, and their coin. And

4:41

a bit of cream for richness." "'Well,

4:44

if you say so,' said Declan

4:46

O'Brien, still looking at his bread

4:48

like a possible enemy. A

4:50

bit of a born loser,' people said about

4:53

Declan. "'He was a scarecrowish

4:55

man, with a ragged black coat

4:58

and lank hair graying prematurely.'

5:01

"'Still seems like playing with fire, if

5:03

you ask me.' "'A week

5:05

that bread, Declan,' shouted Maeve.

5:08

Siobhan slaved over it, and it's sound.'

5:11

There was a general scramble for the basket,

5:14

and after a moment or two, everybody had

5:16

their loaf. And on Siobhan's

5:18

count of three, people began to crack

5:21

them open, and the air filled

5:23

anew with the rich fragrances contained

5:25

therein. For a few

5:28

moments, not many people talked,

5:31

except to mumble thanks and appreciation

5:33

to Siobhan, because they really were

5:35

spectacular loaves. The

5:38

silence was only broken when Poredash

5:41

whooped and jumped up on the table and began

5:43

to dance a little jig. Something

5:47

gold and shiny sparkled as

5:49

he juggled it between his fingers.

5:51

Somebody's gonna be a rich man this

5:54

year! A

5:55

chorus of laughs and boos

5:57

and congratulations and mild curses

5:59

was birthed." broken when Maeve shouted,

6:01

Oh piss! revealing

6:04

despondently to the room that she'd found the ring

6:06

in her loaf. And moreover,

6:08

that had fit her perfectly. Oh,

6:12

good! said Seamus Cowan.

6:14

Well, I guess that makes things simple

6:17

for us, eh? For once the

6:19

wave of general laughter went against Maeve,

6:22

and she scowled, folding her

6:24

arms and retreating to a corner. When

6:27

relative silence fell, Declan

6:30

O'Brien raised his voice at

6:32

last. Ah,

6:35

Siobhan! he said. I

6:39

don't suppose you could tell me what you've baked into

6:41

my cake? The

6:43

room went silent as he raised

6:45

the two halves to show him. Siobhan

6:49

turned pale as milk. I…

6:53

she stammered.

6:55

I didn't put that in there. And

6:58

a chill passed through the room as

7:00

they saw what he was holding, for they

7:03

all believed Siobhan immediately. She

7:06

was a kind and steady woman,

7:09

not the sort to play pranks, and

7:11

less so the kind to play a prank like this.

7:15

A small and armored thing was

7:18

baked inside of Declan's loaf, with

7:20

a pale body and segmented

7:23

legs, and a long,

7:25

straight stinger that thrust

7:27

obscenely out from its abdomen. Small

7:30

enough to fit in the palm of your hand, large

7:33

enough that a weight of its cool, clicking

7:36

body would drive its bristly

7:38

hairs into your skin. A

7:41

creature of the desert? Declan

7:44

murmured, bending close. Like

7:46

us, a stranger in a new land.

7:50

Then he glanced up at the crowd. You

7:53

don't suppose it's an omen of anything,

7:55

do you? And as he waited

7:58

for some reply, the crowd was

7:59

silent.

7:59

The creature suddenly shook itself to life and

8:02

scuttled onto his bony wrist and stung him

8:04

right in the blue vein of his forearm.

8:07

The whole stinger went in, nearly two

8:09

inches deep.

8:11

Then

8:12

the creature was lost inside his clothes.

8:15

He exclaimed, as

8:17

everybody shouted, jumping backward to

8:19

their feet.

8:20

I suppose an omen after all.

8:25

Then he fluttered up his eyelids,

8:28

leaned back in his chair, and

8:31

died. When

8:34

the shock had passed and their

8:36

frenzied search for the lethal creature had

8:38

ended fruitless, they

8:41

all sat back in their chairs and

8:43

drank ale and picked up

8:45

their loaves in silence. Yvonne

8:49

was sobbing in the corner, and

8:51

Seamus Cowan was doing a half-hearted

8:54

and ineffective job of comforting her. Maeve

8:58

was the first one to speak. Poor

9:02

Declan, she murmured.

9:06

I was going to marry him.