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with wings. Calm Marc Maron

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that's willing w. I t

0:37

h. I n n g s Marc.

0:40

M, a r c Maron m a r o n, okay.

0:44

do the show lead to do it

0:56

all right let's do this how are

0:58

you as the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the

1:00

fuck next what's happening i marked marin this

1:02

is my podcast welcome

1:04

to it how are you are you okay

1:07

i'm just back from canada i'm a little tired

1:10

i'm always tired when i travel i tend

1:12

to take as earlier flight as possible

1:14

out and ,

1:16

then i have a whole days of being exhausted

1:19

it's as you don't want to lose that day you want to get

1:21

out early to see get home and have an entire

1:24

day we just cannot get your shit

1:26

together cause you to fucking tired that's

1:29

, way to do it's stay busy

1:32

Get up early leave on the first

1:34

flight out and then get home because

1:36

you have things to do and you

1:38

barely can keep awake. Great

1:41

look, people.

1:44

they were going to canada and i will tell you bought

1:46

it in a second let me just tell you this today

1:48

on the show rosie perez is

1:51

here susan like delhi i

1:53

know said that she hasn't my golly she hates to travel

1:55

but she was out here as he's you're promoting

1:57

her new series the thriller now and

2:00

the non apple tv plus she's also in

2:02

the flight attendants season

2:04

two of that show is streaming now on h

2:06

b o max but you know rosie

2:08

perez you know if i'm do the right thing from

2:10

white men can't jump your from fearless

2:12

you know or from of million movie

2:15

and tv shows after the last thirty years it's

2:18

rosie perez that's an

2:20

amazing conversation it's

2:22

one of the conversations that happens here wtf

2:26

occasionally that is just it

2:29

goes deep it's

2:31

it's it's heavy but it's also

2:34

reviewing and exciting i mean a

2:36

and emotionally moving it was

2:39

like when rosina got done with

2:41

this conversation we have to take a few minutes just

2:43

to sort of like gather ourselves

2:46

in the and there's a lot here but

2:49

it is one of those it's a monumental episode

2:52

it was for me ah

2:54

, i know these episodes this is one of

2:56

the all timers in that this is

2:58

what this show does at its best

3:00

is whatever happened between me

3:03

and rosie perez was your here in a few

3:05

minutes a few back

3:08

from canada or before i tell you about that's

3:10

i do want to mention seem on mars

3:12

new special theme on mars is

3:14

really one of the funniest guys working today

3:17

truly smart funny

3:20

and east he does the work it's

3:23

called for him on wore a hat trick it's available

3:26

now on you tube ah he performs

3:28

a special in all three rooms of the comedy

3:30

store for those you don't know the comedy source

3:33

the diary room the a resume the main month

3:35

hence the title patrick which is

3:37

what we call that and they're

3:40

telling yeah i'm telling you he's won the funniest

3:43

guys working currently

3:46

so , i was in i was in vancouver

3:48

which is one of my favorite places and

3:50

i know i talked about this before but as soon

3:52

as i get off the plane in canada

3:55

the entire week

3:58

then psychic

4:00

the chaos and

4:04

dark electricity the

4:07

american culture just dissipates

4:10

and it is such a relief

4:12

the just enter the kind of practical

4:16

the whiteley mundane grounded

4:20

culture the vancouver

4:23

canada i just even pretentious

4:25

people in canada whack pretense it's

4:27

just i went out walking

4:30

well i'll tell you exactly what i did i got there

4:33

the night before and i went out with the

4:36

charlie the mares the great

4:38

comic from canada we went out had dinner

4:41

usually open for me but cameron esposito

4:43

wanted esposito work to do a few minutes so

4:46

she got that gig and

4:48

i've been using an opener by want camera i wanted

4:50

to see cameron's she wanted to do some

4:52

new stuff says i go case

4:54

of mean char we went out to tell jokes had some

4:57

sushi talked about life was

4:59

very good was connected you know he

5:01

was sort of in a place you know and his

5:03

wife were you doing some thinking i've i've

5:05

been doing some thinking we are able to talk

5:07

some stuff through ah about

5:09

where we were in our lives in that's what you do with

5:12

friends and was lovely i

5:14

saw saw people i went and saw a went right

5:16

step what's roy would junior work on some

5:18

stuff i saw andrew sent tina i

5:21

didn't watch him i felt no need no need

5:23

to watch and you sense enough by we flew out

5:25

together and that guy he's

5:27

, influence i gotta tell you haven't smoked

5:30

a cigar in like three years have had no nicotine

5:32

and my body for years and

5:35

as anti or talk me into i

5:38

went out bought a few key as you cubans

5:40

and we fucking we did it was

5:42

great to be nice walk across

5:45

the bride's the bridge and i just

5:47

saw the people of kansas holding hands

5:49

out walking everyone outside it's beautiful

5:52

there it's sad that i am living the

5:54

life were not only my thrilled that

5:56

i don't have these the kind of frenetic

5:58

dark electric the of american

6:01

culture pulsating through my phone into

6:03

my goddamn face but

6:06

it there's water there's water

6:08

in vancouver the reins are all the time

6:11

it's lush green there's beautiful

6:14

foliage shares oceans and mountains

6:16

and snow capped hills whatever man

6:19

what i'm trying to say that i'm jealous

6:22

of rain i'm living i'm living

6:24

and i think about is when is everything going to

6:26

burn one is going to be no water and it's soon

6:28

and i got to figure out where to go i gotta figure out what

6:30

to do the any part

6:32

of a climate migration

6:34

at some point and we've gotta get we

6:37

got to start buying property the midwest before

6:39

they close the borders to progressive

6:41

as induce that luck this

6:44

one being and carrots or relaxing this

6:47

people wearing practical close you

6:50

know having a life it seems well

6:52

integrated it does it doesn't seem

6:54

to be i'm not say i don't know much about

6:56

it it doesn't and maybe i'm romanticizing

6:59

i know it's not perfect i know they have their

7:01

problems it's

7:03

always relaxing they

7:05

took that walk some berries

7:08

the i sat down i'd i damage i sat down

7:10

with dana gould and james a dummy them seem gain

7:12

and years just doing the old comics

7:14

a world comics now talking about the old days

7:18

the so fucking funny though and

7:21

then our that neither did the show to vogue and

7:23

it was so spectacular i was happy to see

7:26

everybody is and i sold out crowd cameron

7:28

know esposito did a great job had

7:30

a great show and after

7:33

i smoked my third cigar and i was almost nauseous

7:35

and now i'm exhausted and

7:37

everything that down

7:40

to my

7:41

Skin smells

7:43

like cigar wash it off

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Yeah, so I just who have did aid

9:00

some good stuff and i did some nice

9:02

stuff i why i just it's so relieving

9:06

the here's the deal this i think you'll find

9:09

this conversation with rosie the

9:12

kind of amazing i

9:14

know i did then i

9:16

just i don't know what's gonna happen when

9:19

people come in here and i

9:22

can't i can't really explain that he is enough

9:24

that even when people ask me if i get

9:27

tired of the show or the

9:29

you know is it a job or whatever i never

9:33

no what's going

9:35

to happen when someone comes

9:37

on when someone comes in here it's a wildcard

9:40

i i only know what i can like look

9:43

around and watch i can i can know their

9:45

work like you know things

9:47

about them but i don't know how

9:49

the hours gonna unsold ever and

9:51

the amount of anxiety and dread and excitement

9:54

that i see a leading up to it is always just

9:57

the when when somebody shows

10:00

the up and it's is we're we're

10:02

one on one some magic happens

10:04

man it's just i just lose

10:07

myself in it and and and

10:09

listen and and stay locked in

10:12

with whoever i'm talking to here and it

10:14

never the exploring

10:17

it never feels like a job to be honest

10:20

with you if

10:22

exhausting sometimes i

10:24

mean after our conversation like you're here

10:26

now between me and rosie perez i mean

10:29

ah you know it was it was and

10:32

the and was satisfying

10:34

and deep in thought human the

10:37

you after it's done it's it's it's

10:40

like when you sort of sold in

10:42

all the other shit young when young at your phone

10:46

occupy most of your brain and suck

10:48

your hope out of your face on

10:51

top of the conversation like this against was using

10:53

some like you we had to take a minute roseann

10:56

i after this conversation we

10:58

had the take a minute to

11:00

gather ourselves and and think about what

11:02

we're just done as , said earlier

11:05

rosie perez ah her new show

11:07

now and then is now streaming on

11:09

know apple tv plus the flight

11:11

attendant is now and season two two

11:14

can watch that both seasons on

11:16

h b o mats and this is me

11:19

talking to her aid there is you know i wouldn't

11:21

say to trigger warning but we discuss

11:23

fairly openly your childhood

11:25

trauma and and

11:28

he was moving , me

11:30

and helpful and in the

11:33

either i don't know i don't know what to say this is just

11:35

what they showed does at its

11:37

best this is me talking

11:40

to rosie perez

11:49

her with her they have a direct college

11:53

palin in i have long hours

11:55

and hours maybe

11:58

seven

12:00

for what allows some flour

12:02

now i'm only asking sorry i'm trying to figure out

12:04

if i haven't

12:06

i'm an analogy allergies

12:08

or the allergies that not

12:11

oh really if you don't know what they are the just general

12:14

the general late so they said that

12:16

most likely allergic to smile

12:19

allergic to arms dust particles

12:21

that matters or air vents and

12:24

six about it also everything also

12:26

yeah so it says as little

12:28

as have some air

12:29

thank you thank goodness i've never

12:32

gone to check if i

12:34

you know if i have actual houses but something's

12:36

gone wrong since i've gotten older me

12:38

to write in amman your kids as

12:41

did notice i'm in our some days my feeling the faces

12:43

and papa puts

12:45

, our in town for the it you you

12:47

i come as you know know

12:50

that say

12:54

i get em in my eyelids monica

12:58

pier how you been here at last

13:01

night lately

13:02

okay this is ssssss

13:05

it is included it as my son was the

13:07

of words would you do to do some tv ah

13:10

no i came in here for

13:13

i'm something

13:15

that h feel is suing for the flight

13:17

the can react and it's a whole day

13:19

saying so after the junket thing we to

13:21

see how to answer the same question over and

13:23

over and , and and you're a you guys

13:25

just accept that that's part of the job is that yeah

13:28

i know that feel and is in everyone protests

13:30

you like the the first one ask a new yes yes

13:32

yes yes yes

13:34

that was yes show i mean

13:36

that gay to it's gotten very popular

13:39

and he ate the like the owners

13:42

more like a fear of we thought

13:44

it sure we spotted yes

13:46

so my allergies and sinusitis has gone

13:49

okay

13:50

so mad , you don't want it is

13:56

that's the one thing you don't wanna know stuff

14:01

no no i liked the cell i

14:03

like in a lot like work in the presume you

14:05

know like when you get older you wanna work with

14:07

people that

14:10

you could work quiz yeah you know

14:12

i barely want to work at all yeah

14:16

you gotta convince me to work at all but

14:18

i don't stop but like every day

14:20

i'm sorta like why am i

14:22

a right yeah we're going to say

14:24

major get ice ice some days i'm certainly

14:26

one of my working towards sit

14:29

, sit next to me

14:31

raised here are some the one has to go

14:33

i i'm done here but

14:35

then when you do oh so of but you like

14:37

working with her seems interesting yeah seasons

14:39

yes he some overly generous

14:42

messiah

14:43

like of week allow like a good start paying for

14:45

everything you don't have the the i am i

14:47

am my own money

14:49

yeah yeah i could use it now you know my paycheck drugs

14:51

executive producer yeah yeah yeah

14:55

he's a gun or came he always

14:57

wants everybody the have fines even

14:59

asked to but we wrap yeah

15:01

she's like

15:02

the i'm buying drinks and likelihood of work tomorrow

15:05

is it of omega just such a character right now

15:07

i said in your being such a character right

15:09

now school during the night before

15:11

you go to words we can be up at five

15:14

we have seen you know thirty five

15:16

business or do son is gay

15:18

licenses lakers

15:20

is a part of a is that the character

15:22

to write those yeah can junkies yeah

15:25

yeah yeah yes on them and

15:27

i'm not i'm i'm i'm not that why

15:30

i like it via i could drink a

15:33

glass or two vs after the second

15:35

one untidy patty or yes i much

15:37

i don't i don't shut up and

15:40

and then and licensed producer wider usually

15:46

right yeah yeah when people when they work

15:48

with me they they think something's wrong

15:51

you know are you okay i'm here

15:54

yeah i'm i'm i'm kinda quiet

15:56

you want

15:57

a

16:00

when they see this this this this

16:02

this is it was that like years so that's

16:04

but what about this other thing the i got was just watching

16:06

the the , now and then thing

16:10

thing is amazing

16:12

he asked the at that asked the that

16:15

one that one almost

16:17

did me and yeah

16:18

yeah dallas dallas like gum

16:20

i haven't had a project like that since

16:23

fearless this movie this did with peter weir

16:26

remember that movie that was a big movie was

16:28

a big nominated for oscars yeah

16:30

i'd me i still like when i was thinking about

16:32

talking to you may i add that's that

16:34

seem where you and jeff bridges in the car with a tool

16:36

box and i guess what weakness

16:39

place to say say say this once

16:41

as a similar effect on you this less and less

16:43

as on the how so none am

16:45

i am also like frankie and the our

16:47

plant alone that one way and because

16:49

i got i got i die so

16:52

in and so heavy in

16:55

they have some issues so when i

16:57

get too heavy

16:58

a hoax need

17:01

a place right so like so

17:03

like

17:04

the work it was very difficult to

17:06

shake it and i'm usually very good at that i can

17:08

say gets you know the i say wrap

17:10

up the number i can meet yeah i

17:13

want that to me but is just the heaviness

17:15

in the sarles like a it was just too

17:17

high the me an angle day with

17:19

now wait now and then it's it's on

17:21

the cancerous and out the

17:24

vm executive producer and code

17:26

director gideon raf yeah the whole

17:28

thing he goes well it's kind of your fault

17:30

too and i would he talking about he does you develop

17:32

this character into this rice

17:35

into this realm it was it she was

17:37

supposed to be so heavy and door

17:39

clear and and i

17:41

said yeah but i realize how the

17:44

walk in heavy was the to be right

17:46

answer i am my sister calm

17:48

and whitley on and

17:51

you know the first day she was

17:53

there in spain and i came from work

17:55

vs he was like what happened

17:58

yeah work and

18:00

she goes oh my god yes

18:03

and like she hugs me and i so christ goes

18:05

if someone recruits you go fuck a mechanical

18:08

know if , it's

18:11

it's a new york as

18:14

so was it was it was really dark thoughts

18:17

dog character slaughter and even when i

18:19

watched i just watched the whole city recently

18:22

my husband via

18:23

the grabbed a thought we were laying in bed he goes oh

18:25

my god who goes to

18:27

it pains me that and it upsets

18:29

me to feel like this if it's not me supply

18:31

of gas

18:32

and he goes by oh my god

18:34

and and you know and so was really

18:37

have

18:37

what if what but that's interesting about about

18:39

the way you work i mean you always bring yourself

18:41

to it right i mean he had you

18:44

not you know you're not the a learning a russian accent

18:46

or anything you will discipline

18:49

this this

18:52

i'd use limits atheist

18:55

you have to bring

18:56

an element of who you want to every rollers

18:59

has and it's not that isn't too

19:01

they know a not authentic right here in

19:03

but it's descent the cars

19:07

the character flora she plays a detective

19:09

she got into homicide because some things

19:12

cause i have brother ended up killing herself

19:14

the killing himself because he was wrongly

19:16

accused of rape and he got a life

19:18

sentence on it harder and

19:20

and so she dedicated herself

19:23

to fighting the bad guys year

19:25

she never addressed for trauma

19:27

little brother she never addressed to suck that

19:29

she lost both her parents fear

19:31

and though she just has blinders on in

19:33

has this blind ambition just going

19:36

going going to get kids to back as

19:38

a nice bad guys happen to be entitled prick

19:40

and those are the same had caused his dad's

19:43

pin a crime on her brother

19:45

yeah i'm and the

19:48

know i i understand and justice

19:51

the just is happening to me when i was a

19:53

kid i guess that's and and

19:55

i understand pain and i understand

19:57

sorrow and sent all that

20:00

difference between me and the cat the florida

20:02

is the i don't want to stay there right right

20:05

i don't want to stay there i don't want it to be my driving

20:07

for any more right you know

20:09

and she was like that twenty years

20:12

ago and then flora twenty years later she's

20:14

still like that

20:15

where are your she lives in it she lives in at

20:17

night and like i i mean

20:19

personally yes i can't survive

20:22

like that know course not but did you

20:24

say like says ios time

20:26

i talk about the that sort of the effective

20:28

trauma lot i just talked to a guy yesterday

20:30

who has ptsd from afghanistan and

20:32

a guy ran for president stuff and i

20:34

think that like most people have

20:37

some version have ptsd

20:40

we're from you know from their life but

20:42

did you but like now because

20:45

there's focus on it and there's treatment for

20:47

it and they can identify it i mean how

20:49

much your life did you go through not knowing

20:53

i a huge chunk of it's a huge

20:55

tenth of the i thought that success

20:57

was going to them

21:00

salvo that why i

21:02

thought i thought like

21:04

i'm not going to be a statistic i'm

21:06

going to the five this childhood trauma

21:09

and abuse and i'm gonna

21:11

be successful ran them

21:13

when the six mean yeah

21:16

still fucked up i

21:18

you know i hit a wall

21:19

here and and

21:21

when was that how far it's that

21:24

probably like when i was about

21:27

the redeem ah that's a long time to

21:29

deal with that and eleven years already yeah

21:32

my point i thought i was faking the funk

21:34

i thought you know i had i had

21:36

it in the back

21:37

yeah yeah yeah i didn't just cause you have leaders

21:39

were work you're immersed in your work constantly

21:41

our the most in my were constantly but

21:44

also i thought i

21:46

was a boss at all i

21:49

thought like why survived

21:51

hummus

21:51

i don't know i'm right i'm above it all right i'm

21:53

tough like a hours behind me is finally

21:56

fucking yeah yeah that might be other

21:58

people the my mom through what i went

22:00

yeah i'm like that yeah yeah

22:02

yeah now yeah and

22:05

hi time to come to grips

22:07

that i wasn't says it's was

22:09

those a painful was very

22:11

pay

22:12

can't imagine sit so i i present

22:14

and going back there were isolated grew up

22:16

with the i feel like you have seen my whole life to

22:19

, on where you know you are you such a presence

22:21

and you're always sort of there somewhere work

22:24

in i mean can't like

22:26

the other with back and think that holy shit it's been

22:28

this many years at it again

22:31

if you do you still talk spike lee yeah

22:35

he hates that i'm that essentially his wife

22:37

our allies , they together

22:39

few the debt as a profit for

22:41

yes yes it was it

22:44

out to dinner in here is started crying in

22:46

porto rico this

22:47

me and tana like chatting back and forth

22:50

and he's sitting there knew it would neither

22:52

of us as sleep with him and , not

22:54

on purpose around all and he

22:56

starts crying i said cycle hoping

22:58

he goes to know that tomorrow's

23:01

gonna be the twenties twentieth

23:03

year anniversary of to the what

23:05

the twenty fifth avenue to i do the right thing i go

23:07

oh cynical she'll she'll

23:10

you like tiny more than me i don't understand

23:12

what went wrong we both thought it for

23:14

acting all were laughing so hard

23:17

he was you go to sooner was are using other

23:19

george's how are you deaf invite

23:21

me i go outside and

23:23

eagles why i go we'll see

23:27

the arena yes there

23:29

are that makes sense he doesn't strike

23:31

me as of a particularly fun guy he

23:33

is he is this is that

23:37

i didn't even can hear

23:39

socially awkward as as the he doesn't know

23:41

it

23:41

the a right away he doesn't

23:44

he doesn't eat up not at this point he doesn't know

23:46

as screen doesn't know here you know and and

23:48

and night you know and i recognize

23:50

that in is a great artist and that's

23:52

always going on now to me but his office

23:55

funny is funny my yes

23:57

to be very they caught they volume yeah my

23:59

yeah my

24:00

hi well that makes sense you know because i find

24:02

him to be a little intimidating have met him once in

24:04

his ears as for like wow he doesn't mean they

24:06

as is that makes sense that he just has to be comfortable

24:08

inside great doubtless allow us here

24:11

hi i didn't know i was coming off

24:14

commiserating as i was and

24:17

i didn't know this coming off

24:19

as that is

24:22

angry

24:23

the i to i didn't i think i didn't understand

24:27

you know my best friend julie yeah i'm

24:29

tommy people think

24:32

that you

24:32

i

24:36

right yeah night because i didn't

24:38

i didn't recognize that doesn't it does so

24:42

weapon of defense

24:43

will also like i have to assume that you hear

24:45

there is a away people like

24:48

outside of what you experience but

24:50

there is a cultural thing in new york

24:53

right and in you know brooklyn in there

24:55

there's a toughness to it isn't that

24:57

enough air outside of you

24:59

what you experience personally there is sort of us

25:01

got something intimidating i think a little

25:04

a little bit been mine was alive so

25:07

what he he he where you were born in brooklyn

25:10

i wish i was born in brooklyn here

25:12

the summer i'm a product of an affair vs

25:15

ah i'm in back in those days that

25:17

was in all the handler both your parents

25:19

lived in brooklyn ah i'm

25:21

know my father lived in porto rico okay

25:24

my mother lived in brooklyn above puerto ricans

25:26

that they both married to different people

25:29

i met them and okay my father

25:31

was gonna cheat not with

25:33

my mother but with assistant yeah

25:36

my mother saw him out the windows

25:38

analytical take out the trash is

25:40

she cut him off the said eagles oh my

25:42

god you're such a beautiful woman which

25:44

elect have a cup of coffee here so he

25:46

forgot about her sister fear and they want

25:48

to have a couple of the and then i popped

25:51

out nine months later

25:52

quite a cup of coffee that's cool

25:58

enough yeah

26:01

yeah so i'm yeah

26:03

so how do you find that out how

26:05

to find the story

26:07

i i found that out

26:10

not the whole it's highest level of the whole

26:12

anti so when i was noise but i

26:14

found that outlay when i was around

26:18

one i'm

26:20

because my mother gave me away away the

26:23

a week old the my father's

26:25

sister my my biological father's

26:28

sister

26:29

so okay so she okay so that was

26:31

sort of like we gotta hide this kid why

26:34

i don't i don't know

26:35

i'm i'm a great as long as your biological father's guy

26:37

here as she had an affair with like his

26:39

sister took you play and

26:42

and is that was the mother the choose my mother

26:44

called mommy here

26:46

and then i remember the senate leader

26:48

was made us three i don't know

26:50

three or four and dumb there

26:52

was having one of the gathering singapore

26:55

weekends we have gathered

26:55

the know we have yeah so you know for raising

26:58

yeah do everything right

27:02

from a minute amount of money

27:05

so little as us so i'm

27:07

as he was sitting

27:10

in the ten years drunk

27:12

and he kept coming all is a commit

27:14

to me he has he done i'm

27:17

doing yeah i

27:19

looked at him then i just

27:21

started crying

27:23

screaming and whole party went

27:25

quiet it went to my

27:28

on my daughter was my my

27:29

the here in a screen that he say

27:31

he's my body and

27:33

then i remember she like your stored fat and

27:35

she starts hitting him over the head

27:37

when he started crying never forgot

27:39

that moment wow and so on

27:41

your three it exists

27:44

here how you can forget that yeah and i'm

27:47

and she kept calling me all he's

27:49

done he's a liar this and this not

27:51

and all and or something and

27:53

mean knew there was an uncouth

27:55

to that but us to

27:56

we're to understand that because you didn't have

27:59

another father figure right are you doing man

28:01

that nice and and so

28:04

my mother comes back the you know

28:06

when i'm for that's me away

28:08

from my wife

28:10

we don't know and she

28:12

put me in a in a convent

28:15

the a pack orphanage

28:18

yeah but it's it's it's

28:20

if wasn't technically an orphanage he was

28:22

a home the killed and right okay

28:25

that meant they were orphanages

28:27

here and then they were home for children

28:29

vs and home for children were

28:31

for displaced unwanted

28:34

arms , you know

28:36

an abandoned and

28:38

only a few orson our children

28:41

with fps and cells they

28:43

are like on on on sundays

28:46

you would have family day vs

28:48

on i used to wait my mother

28:50

to never show up my god so she was show at once

28:52

in awhile a limited that that because us now set

28:55

of us she was so up once to while

28:57

but there were times a we would wait the whole

28:59

day and she's just one show but

29:01

my it's and what was messed up as those

29:03

were the days where my aunt put a came to visit

29:05

pfc blocked my aunt from

29:07

coming to visit me but all the

29:10

other day my i would come to visit me

29:12

or she would take me i'm

29:14

, the weekends back down of brooklyn to

29:16

be with her and then i would have to go

29:18

back to the nuns

29:20

and yet so it's it's it it was it

29:22

was like that and then when i was nine years old

29:24

the nuns pulled me in mother superior

29:27

court mirrors and told me

29:29

i'm you have you have

29:33

i do you mean the please hear

29:37

that let that guy

29:38

that worked with the rule is for that show a i

29:40

like gets an arm said know your father's

29:43

here i'm here i'm

29:45

you know he has rights in the

29:47

records and like

29:49

you're telling me the signaling with this was this

29:51

this was the guy who your uncle who he thought was

29:53

your uncle flat right

29:55

and then i walk out and he sitting there and

29:57

you know him and i know him and i just sat

29:59

there and nothing to have is it

30:02

he can try to talk the whole visit my said

30:04

nothing and then then

30:06

me down to this restaurant of course

30:08

rentals i remember here downhill

30:11

from the pundits and

30:13

in brooklyn no this was in peace

30:15

skill on

30:17

york and damn he

30:19

you know now member he held my farm

30:21

and out my yanked the i didn't know she he was being

30:24

a gentleman like right and

30:26

i'm he ordered

30:29

me all this food and i some

30:31

may i be excused got as about through the ice

30:34

is to zero comment you add that

30:36

sure that the regional while

30:38

that yes and

30:40

he said of course i walk through to the bathroom

30:42

i said that's okay sir and he goes no

30:45

i'm your daddy

30:47

okay and i went to the bathroom

30:49

and i climbed out the window and went back to

30:52

the they let that for man

30:54

sitting there and

30:56

said yeah was so sad him he

30:59

was in a panic they said you

31:01

are

31:02

he thought it he lost me and and

31:04

, you know and

31:07

i got a beating so that i wasn't

31:09

put on punishment he and i didn't

31:11

have ah i couldn't have supper

31:14

for three days

31:16

they wouldn't be you for that's crazy

31:19

that's not punishment that's wrong seems

31:21

the duck how they look so so

31:24

what about your mother when she does

31:26

have mental problems she was

31:28

was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenia

31:31

and they told me that like in my tween

31:33

years six what are you doing

31:36

really you're a product of an affair your uncle

31:38

is your father you know and then then

31:40

oh and by the way your mother's a paranoid schizophrenic

31:43

you know it's like okay yeah i don't have

31:45

any adult issues now i'm fine

31:49

it's crazy is clay how does that but like

31:51

the is so this happens when you nine where your father's

31:53

so how does the rest of it unfold the voice

31:56

but is he like he does she have a place to live

31:58

your mother and stuff have

32:00

you he went back to her husband

32:03

so she's a functioning paranoid schizophrenia

32:05

yes wow isn't

32:08

how my siblings you have on her

32:10

size there were nine she had nine

32:12

of the kids if it's cancelled

32:14

while cap with your okay yes they

32:16

don't believe in a voices they just keep having kids

32:18

is is given so how

32:21

does this level lost family wise me when

32:23

do except what except what

32:25

you know in terms of like now you know all the information

32:27

at least you know who your father is how does that does

32:30

that get easier or do you you expected

32:34

that's it i don't know like the ice a does a good

32:36

question said my psychiatrist and humanists

32:40

why you think

32:45

i think it wasn't a

32:47

crisis success senators

32:49

it is what it is sir and it

32:51

was that and and

32:53

i i

32:55

guess i'm feeding accept the fully because

32:58

i used the law

32:59

hi in school here you

33:01

know about where you come from where came from

33:03

and i made up this whole so you're worried a shame

33:05

that yeah yeah yeah and

33:07

i'm

33:08

you know an unlimited

33:11

day this one the school

33:13

she totally by

33:14

it may be i told everyone at school

33:16

about the realized my realize his

33:18

name yeah she's one of the kids from the catholic

33:21

homes over

33:23

if you think oh my father he's gonna bring

33:25

his chauffeur to bring me back down to new york city

33:28

stele likes it is a cell

33:30

phone was the metro

33:32

you know when i went by myself as soon as

33:34

he started acting oh

33:36

i've been acting some as the gate zero him ever

33:38

since that's that time while me a daddy

33:40

them it was it that was in my neck

33:43

you know if it was it was it was

33:45

intense i guess i didn't really except

33:47

it except until i started therapy

33:50

seven

33:50

the years ago okay i started to accept

33:52

it or theory but yet you know yoda when

33:54

you start that stuff it's like and passed

33:57

since it's it's it's really a

34:00

weird when you realize like you know life is only

34:02

so long the are you living in

34:04

some sort of discomfort that you can identify

34:06

in and young when some a unified did willing

34:09

to the to try to sort it out

34:11

you can you understand why yeah

34:13

you know well but the so but

34:16

do you go as as a teenager and stuff

34:18

to of relationship with the real father and with

34:20

your mother and i am free i heights

34:23

i didn't really have a relationship with my

34:25

mother she would have

34:27

court appointed visits to her and at

34:29

first i was like cunning saturated

34:31

with yeah you're one of her to like me

34:34

ask me off by it

34:35

i looked just like the man that you

34:37

know how to an affair with them enough right

34:40

so she didn't like

34:42

me too much because of that i'm

34:44

not going on a mentally ill

34:45

we'll tell me i was ugly like my father

34:48

yes sure like your father like

34:50

lady i'm taller than you yeah

34:52

yeah yeah yeah i'm

34:55

does she have other problems you have drug problems to know

34:57

a i'm just mental issues yeah

34:59

metal alcohol the

35:02

am by damn yeah fuck

35:08

interfax some and it's a wasn't for

35:10

my i am i followed think i would be the

35:13

nutjob live with me on with the real father

35:16

is a when the modern thought that was the so

35:18

i have to get that means so much credit because

35:20

he spent his he told me this yeah

35:23

he spent his entire life making

35:25

it up to me and dumb we

35:27

handed out one time in and i felt

35:29

so bad

35:32

i can't go there that makes the to accept my anyway

35:34

we had about one time here in

35:38

anyway

35:39

yeah and and here on there on a heater

35:42

he stepped up

35:43

no he is he stepped up funds

35:45

from them from the

35:47

he did that i'm you daddy yeah he went to court

35:49

and when he was riding yeah yeah and

35:52

that's where he got right yeah i'm

35:55

the basket me to change my last thing to

35:58

his which is savannah yeah he

36:00

and i could now you know because i didn't

36:02

want to admit

36:03

i didn't understand but as a kid i don't want met

36:05

my mother gave me away i didn't want a minute seen as

36:08

on the adding why mit that i was amazed that assess

36:10

if i change my name than that mean

36:12

oh right you know yes and

36:15

i could i could have

36:17

save myself off a lot of heartache if

36:19

i had done that but i didn't understand as

36:21

a kid rice too much vs

36:24

and you

36:26

know then i remember the

36:29

day my father told

36:31

me you

36:33

don't have to please forgive

36:35

me higher then

36:39

it broke something me

36:42

and needed to be broken the

36:44

family korea how these i

36:47

was saw when

36:50

tv those twenty

36:52

years old here and

36:55

no we cried and we have on

36:58

everything

36:59

that's when i realized my man

37:02

is deciding forms since

37:04

forms since three years old

37:06

heading east , may

37:08

have for his mistake here ever since

37:10

then and i remember there was something he told

37:12

me to as in that conversation he said

37:15

said please be

37:18

careful what you do the

37:20

new used cars you will pay for it area

37:23

when you old

37:24

the moment in

37:27

, a that semi he have given

37:29

that you are who you

37:32

are a product of that yes yeah

37:34

yeah yeah wow so he

37:36

was there for you he was anthony

37:39

my the a new to nice and then i guess eventually

37:41

you didn't know it at the yes that's amazing

37:43

so like so you had all these

37:45

i imagine all the that the insanity

37:47

was the like has waited

37:49

years am i wrong did your

37:52

mom spend time prison yes

37:54

she did she did he ever say

37:58

because my have other sources so get upset

38:01

no she spent some time here please

38:03

and she went to prison it's flights and

38:05

the i have to assume that all that the complicated

38:08

trauma that he had to process was the abandonment

38:10

gonna love issue everything right and

38:13

there's no them has been overwhelming

38:15

if it was overwhelming it's still overwhelming

38:18

it's just not tsunami

38:21

your loyalty right right right yeah my

38:24

psychiatrist tommy's something so

38:26

great she says when i met you you are treading

38:29

water in the atlantic ocean yeah

38:32

the wanting to like forever

38:34

and then to a lake in the into a pond

38:37

and now yes if build a bridge the

38:39

puddle is their house and i said when

38:41

is the puddles on her back away as see those seats

38:43

never gonna go why am i paying you

38:47

yeah don't live in a plateau

38:49

if he says wow a puddle the lot better

38:51

than

38:52

oh shouldn't be an ocean yeah you know

38:54

know it still there it's just not

38:56

as palpable yeah yeah so

38:58

like when you start dancing and stuff i

39:01

i i was born in severe

39:03

oh i was dancing for my

39:06

aunt told me that i used to on dancing

39:08

the crib of honor yeah yeah

39:10

yeah and when i would suck my thumb

39:12

when i got tired v i'll hold onto

39:14

the crimp i'm ray yeah

39:16

right back and forth so the music and my causes

39:19

would come home from school and i i

39:21

she said it was like i had a time clock

39:23

in my body and i'll pop up

39:25

at the time where they were supposed to come home

39:27

and just scream until they walked in a door and that

39:30

meant that they had to play one of my favorite records

39:32

i was once she told me she told me this

39:34

is who i was when i was once and

39:36

arm ah muscle we're

39:39

and cool just say i love my say

39:41

the to that gets you see an arm

39:44

and i would dance with them and via until i literally

39:47

passed out and then the man is

39:49

see a nuns taught me how to tap really

39:52

they taught me how to taps they told me how to tap

39:54

and how to play ah baseball that's

39:57

good governance the good

39:59

thing

40:00

yeah they

40:06

did a lot of bad things still

40:07

yeah but they were legally of another whole other layer

40:09

the trauma then there was this just the nuns

40:12

yet another one sadistic not all

40:14

of them by a majority of them they were sadistic

40:16

i mean the beatings were brutal and

40:18

arm

40:20

the you know and he got to the point where

40:22

i live right arm sister pinata

40:24

she's to beat the shit me

40:27

one day she slapped me across the say that

40:29

was her say the things mary across the face

40:32

she grabbed me by my shirt lift

40:34

me up and slightly across they are my yes

40:36

in one day i to slapped her back

40:39

yeah oh my god oh

40:41

my goodness man did i get

40:43

it so bad that i

40:46

member i

40:49

was laying in bed for today the

40:51

the girls dormitory at the comments

40:54

and they had suddenly to the in summary

40:56

of them they thought of getting scared proceeding

40:58

report it yeah

41:00

and then they were like wait a minute something is wrong

41:03

that's how bad the me all my guys

41:05

at his

41:06

when i came back from the are in summary

41:09

you know you would

41:11

think that she would apologize since

41:13

a post be a christian rice

41:15

in only i came back and she says

41:18

you'd better watch your step miss the

41:20

your all happen again wow

41:24

just like i have to figure how

41:26

have it was being and suicide torture being

41:28

fucking prison or something

41:29

he was like prison i always say that's laser

41:31

that there's always tell people like i was doing

41:34

yeah you know and for what some just

41:36

being a kid

41:37

in a kid i remember one time she

41:39

beat this girl so bad with

41:41

a paddle or are honored as

41:44

they love to lift up your your dress

41:46

and pull your panties sounds pretty over

41:48

the and and spank the savior out on and

41:51

she beat her so bad this little girl

41:54

yeah i still finds that this girl by the way

41:56

really

41:57

and i'm sad and then she made

41:59

her kneel down in

42:01

front of the wall and pray to god for forgiveness

42:04

and i remember i had this david

42:06

memories of her bobby socks

42:09

just lonely getting drenched

42:11

with blood oh my god he

42:14

was like she had sat farm on the back

42:16

of her

42:17

yeah see you know kneeling by

42:19

she couldn't neil any as he and of the radio

42:21

links

42:22

the just kind of slumped dance and i

42:24

remember that image like oh my

42:26

gosh and like everybody was like

42:28

terrified hum of this nine

42:30

why wouldn't they be the don't

42:32

know how that woman doing

42:34

he said know your friends not

42:36

have none the one that you're friends with oh the

42:38

one on friend emma got his

42:40

she's doing the best she can she has the sakes

42:42

what we call the say oh

42:45

like it's like nervous

42:48

like shakes his he asks

42:50

she's married vs on to

42:52

wonderful man and ah the

42:55

us has children and she has great career

42:57

yeah lights yes

43:00

the still carries a trauma because she never

43:03

got processional help flour and

43:05

and you know and she such as a sweet

43:08

woman yeah but we still

43:10

there is a close we call each other sister yeah

43:13

yeah but the nuns death the man

43:15

dad the remember when she died

43:17

now we just heard about it i i went i

43:19

went i went back on too

43:21

long yeah the

43:23

scale because

43:24

i had written a book which was a disaster

43:26

because i didn't promote it clear and i wasn't ready

43:29

us to tell that story even though i pulled

43:31

it i defeated are you get treatment no

43:34

no i was getting treatment right

43:37

but i just wasn't really and i've never my psychiatrist

43:39

does i don't think you're ready to write this book feel

43:41

like i'm ready i'm ready i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm

43:44

good now yeah right and

43:46

someone or the promo i just

43:49

didn't do well and i buried it and they didn't

43:51

sell for a lot of the promotional events

43:54

i just was really bad and people with

43:56

serious you should write a book as i did it

44:00

edward you i'd feel that way of about

44:02

the book or the was a just promoting it that

44:04

was the problem the that the do like the book

44:07

i like the park i think it's

44:09

a little puddle

44:10

in my writing that really bothers me more

44:13

than anything out the information dory

44:19

no i just recently

44:21

started

44:22

really talking about the story in

44:24

depth still hot for me like even

44:26

when i'm told me i can't look you nice

44:28

the idea of like is you don't emit

44:30

said yes side of metal is still

44:32

hi me you know but i'm

44:35

you know anyway i'd go back

44:37

up there because there are

44:39

the i was your the

44:42

publicists a we need some pics yes

44:45

when i went out become one of the convent

44:47

oh my god

44:48

so i went with the photographer one way to cook

44:51

and , sister went with me and my niece

44:54

went with me and they started crying

44:56

ago really the only guy says muscles

44:58

the congolese athletes for my taking

45:00

care you right now you know and we

45:03

we went in there and

45:06

they would notice that would still allow

45:08

your home when i knew and there was

45:10

this one net none

45:12

in your big star this point so they know you round

45:14

they had no idea of like oh my god yes

45:17

they really should they are also

45:20

oh sister and finance yeah and

45:22

she goes yes then

45:24

i go it's rosie the

45:28

money one he

45:31

hugged me and i was like

45:34

i froze because like a nun hugging zero

45:36

god virus in an arm and

45:38

she goes i could do you remember me as

45:40

she suggests i used to give you some which is

45:42

because just a pinata would punish you with no

45:44

food and

45:47

i goes yes that's why i'm a greedy pig now

45:51

edit the lab and then another know some

45:53

some of those sister antoinette then

45:56

she goes yes goes to the a room the

45:59

she has dementia

46:00

know what she's talking about both snow she remembers

46:02

me sister says no she doesn't

46:04

ago yes he does

46:08

then she remembers that sister the not a

46:10

was horrible to me and with

46:12

health food from a child as punishment

46:15

and the no goes you need to leave wow

46:20

but now i'm a grown

46:22

ass woman while another kicking

46:24

me out did you leave now i

46:27

see why newsletters battle size city still

46:30

like that in the yellow bed

46:33

hi diane delhi a child yes

46:35

animals and i went to the bathroom

46:38

and my friend eric johnson the photographer

46:40

skis eat he was fascinated by this

46:43

all makes teacup that light he didn't

46:45

mean to but he was like because this is so

46:47

you see in

46:49

a snap and away the rethinks and

46:52

i'm ah i went to the bathroom

46:55

they leave this no security there when

46:57

they leave i told him my clients so

46:59

the so the with the girls

47:01

yeah and that live in a good thing

47:03

now has won i won in their year

47:06

in the dormitory and

47:08

i saw the that i

47:11

got a panic attack in

47:13

a clue breeze really on

47:16

he goes a you're right and ice and a cleaning

47:18

and talk i

47:20

remember pushing him away and

47:22

i said i get the fuck

47:24

outta here for us the time and

47:28

then i was leaving

47:30

the namco scares me you have to sign out

47:32

and i go the do anything unicode

47:37

and them and

47:40

he came from behind the desk

47:44

waving her finger at me and

47:48

i guess started to freak out because

47:51

part of my ptsd flashes

47:53

of what i wanna do i know that sounds weird

47:55

be an ass flashes of what i want to do and a half

47:59

i've learned that

48:00

the console it's because of what i wanted

48:02

to do was take off break it yeah you

48:04

know because i memo so

48:07

many times fingers been pointed out yeah

48:10

and so hi

48:12

my sister common goals though

48:16

inadequate he goes

48:18

it's okay grandma year

48:20

as she said you know him anymore

48:23

he have with family

48:24

go and south korea costs

48:27

and i went to the costs and i looked back

48:29

in my sis those my hero

48:32

mostly the climb and is cursing or

48:34

the nuns l a specific

48:36

books in the woods he gets back to the cargo

48:39

in a cousin that you know and i still

48:41

have that immediate else has mr

48:44

personality those are the door off fuck

48:46

i want it

48:48

like fuck them in a while house

48:51

and and and it was weird because i couldn't take

48:53

positions at the time as i didn't

48:55

in hosts it took us like carefully

48:57

down you know route nine

49:00

that i turned around and i looked at her went humor

49:02

humor oh my god you

49:07

it is likely i couldn't believe it

49:09

you can if there was some nuns that was that nice

49:12

to me you exist the internet

49:14

the system or that francis

49:17

you know those three words

49:19

we're so kind and so wonderful

49:22

and right they never tried to squash mice

49:24

they are yeah you know they didn't have one is

49:27

in our to smear forth

49:29

for yeah and when

49:31

you find out that one died though with money when with

49:33

went there are bullish they tell me she had died

49:37

the mile

49:39

thank god oh my god that wasn't

49:41

going to sell

49:44

was includes look at what apps

49:47

ah the a the a school in

49:49

that's when the nuns

49:50

i'm now oh really

49:52

yeah on surround system

49:55

internet system internet a famous i

49:57

mean like dislike that the eat you

49:59

know this sort of

50:00

ophelia thing with the catholic church i mean they must

50:02

real they must have to deal with people coming

50:04

back dramatize

50:07

wanting some vengeance or some accountability

50:09

skills the funny thing they used

50:11

to have an annual reunion

50:14

the killed in that were in home

50:17

and i love is some of the the kids the sakes

50:20

oh yeah you're ashamed of the apache don't want

50:22

to go there and ago i might be ashamed

50:24

of my past but i don't wanna gold enough

50:27

about riesling i don't want to go there because i

50:29

don't want to go back to the scene of the crime

50:31

rate they will crimes committed the

50:33

right i don't wanna go there i don't understand

50:35

why you want to keep going back you guys

50:38

are acting like domestic

50:40

violence that right for you not

50:42

concerned yes yes

50:43

and on what they did so good for us

50:45

no no no they gave

50:48

us a roof over our head and gave us food when

50:50

when the wasn't withheld as

50:53

after punishment

50:54

yeah yeah yeah no mere they have

50:56

a proper last year you know

50:58

they can find us in the skated us

51:00

is so many things in it

51:02

opening her deadliest or spending

51:04

years trying to like this program

51:06

ourselves me or as announced it and they

51:09

they would go up there and spins and

51:11

so pieces on the phrase book and

51:13

i'm like i'm don't

51:14

yeah you know a yeah i mean where

51:16

i mean that's how the trauma keeps happening right

51:18

yes and as and that was my asshole this

51:20

year the current that that was part

51:22

of me thinking i was the

51:25

public that i was better than

51:27

and i had survived because i was

51:29

put on the whole stronger than them and you're angry

51:32

that says you identified what it was

51:34

your anger kind of you have made you

51:36

feel like you are rising above it and

51:39

i was it because i was a victim to

51:41

right but i had i had to consider

51:43

understanding and then

51:45

i stop judging them and started

51:48

really

51:49

finding compassion for them that time

51:51

a really did damage not the you just

51:54

can't shake the walk

51:56

away mere you have to keep coming

51:58

back

52:00

there were similar it but that's

52:02

why also repressing it like obviously

52:04

they're choosing in voluntarily

52:07

the

52:08

whatever good memories a put in there

52:10

you know like he at over

52:12

the truth phone right so they're just

52:14

kind of sleepwalking almost right near

52:17

thin so when you like in terms

52:19

of

52:20

we were functioning in any word would

52:22

you start doing either was all this

52:25

anger it's being poor the

52:27

into your work into your like

52:29

you did you do when you were dancing when you it's

52:31

like acting and stuff like when

52:33

did it start to be a a job for you

52:37

what i was i was cornered college

52:40

to be a marine biologists

52:42

i was studying biochemistry yeah

52:45

and then

52:46

the here is a vase white like best

52:49

about happens and changed my life when you're

52:51

like nineteen

52:52

yeah and i i saw i'm i'm

52:54

at a club or a a pilot scouts from

52:56

soltanieh asked me to go on so team in

52:59

case things and then i'm at a nightclub and i get

53:01

an odd will would spike lee and

53:03

then that's the thing like my the

53:05

past that i was on that i thought you

53:08

know would lead me to the success i was craving

53:11

as as as my

53:14

they'll be here and ah

53:16

you know kiss my around

53:19

you know it just took a different pain and

53:23

in what what did you think it was going to be marine biologist

53:25

yes

53:27

what i was gonna be a marine biologists

53:29

not in the water because i don't like to get my here

53:31

he has so much trouble doing

53:33

, all off against some was in this

53:36

this some the both cigarette

53:40

place cigarette would be in the lab percent of

53:42

it all that exactly that was my thing

53:45

in i'm i'm not looking down a micro

53:47

you know what little i so

53:49

that was really your passion at that point us

53:52

what where where'd that come from

53:54

ah i almost drowned in

53:58

seaside heights new jersey

54:00

in our one summer and

54:02

i kept having these dreams that

54:04

a whale swallowing the ah the have

54:06

the catholic church australia jonah

54:09

yeah right and stuff and arm in

54:11

octopus is yeah i mean to get me

54:14

when i didn't realize it

54:16

but my psychiatrist cause you so strong

54:19

you are you will like you thought you were gonna

54:21

get swallowed by whalers or suffocated

54:23

by not for years so you decided well

54:25

i'm going to be a marine biologists and conquer

54:27

all that that will that you will that plays into

54:29

the other traumatized

54:31

right i mean like that's that's the mindset

54:33

it's like out the i'm i'm just gonna fight it

54:36

and rise above it exactly has

54:38

so you're going to master the ocean yes

54:41

yes yes from a boat for the last

54:43

monday that he has not in the us i'm still scared

54:46

the outside on i'm terrified of the isn't

54:48

that funny i can have been a pool i can see

54:50

the bug fixes , this

54:52

this is especially it's eggs or

54:54

pool at nights i know there's no starts

54:56

in there but it's still free pizza hut of a disappear

54:59

in the ocean we don't know if somebody can take it it

55:03

was this sounds like so you just

55:05

out dancing you just and you get found

55:07

here and then then yeah that's a whole

55:09

new thing but it seems i just try more fitting obviously

55:12

to do this other things better

55:14

it's that a year but it's but it's

55:17

it's better and i and i have no regrets

55:19

i love my life but then at times

55:22

there's to be honest that

55:24

his first time as his as there

55:26

are times where times like froze walk away

55:29

because like like projects

55:31

like let's see yeah like

55:35

come really good

55:38

the number on the yeah you know

55:40

again

55:43

the me how the really

55:46

i can go that deep give

55:49

me that i understood the

55:53

pain right without having any control over

55:55

like you could go there but you'd if

55:58

he was in a safe place

56:00

when they wanted a safe place like like like peta

56:02

we're was like kill you

56:04

he was he taught me the concept of

56:06

technique

56:07

right hideously never did any acting training

56:09

or never acting training then

56:12

i said oh i i i

56:14

don't think that take was really goes why as

56:16

sick as sick was faking it and he goes

56:18

he does your job of physicists

56:21

assists and like right

56:24

play eagles no eagles no no don't think you fully

56:27

yeah

56:28

could you so instinctual and acting

56:31

and yes you're good at i saw him

56:33

like i wasn't the i didn't even realize you

56:35

know and like i am it as you don't know that

56:39

right the necromancer

56:42

cause he was via i didn't know the yeah and

56:44

he says you the way you say

56:47

get that says such a class

56:50

the way to get that yeah as

56:52

a while and then what hoping

56:54

instead of that giving me comfort and carlson

56:56

is it pains me that

56:59

i can see pain

57:02

passing really is i am a lawyer

57:04

and i'm good at it yeah that's really depressing

57:08

you know when it's it is

57:10

it is simply you're not i mean and

57:12

and i remember

57:15

dreams that kept dropping a baby as

57:17

as love my character was yeah this is after

57:19

we wrap yes you know and itis

57:21

was like what is going on with me you

57:23

know and i didn't tell anybody except my

57:25

sister and here

57:27

amy body and you know

57:29

her know her does for years

57:32

he nodded

57:34

ever since our for now

57:36

mm you know and is something

57:38

or franklin county she plays a a woman

57:41

who was shut down because she was the sousa

57:43

that some of the best domestic violence with

57:45

people miss

57:47

added that place you know that's

57:49

why she just wants have sex with no feel

57:51

right right now he has want to get

57:53

attached yeah

57:55

completely understood that here in

57:57

i mean and then enough night after night

57:59

after night

58:00

the night after night you don't have never

58:02

tell enjoyment hello one day ago

58:05

we're sending us family is

58:07

doing so well like a white people keep telling

58:10

me that see fit

58:13

and he didn't say well come from rice

58:15

funny enough testing sally did the

58:18

yeah

58:18

mcnally blew my mind and

58:21

the ball one day he was so mad at me i'm

58:23

ah for something and ah

58:26

the anything and he just looked at me and

58:29

i go what then he goes you

58:32

get this dementia the corner

58:35

with you there were

58:37

nothing anyway oh

58:40

wow he hugged me the

58:42

i pushed him away

58:44

i don't mind when we

58:48

know this

58:49

and it wasn't two years later and i time

58:51

limit a tiny goes yes and this

58:53

is my god you're right he goes wins

58:55

the to come around to say that comic

58:58

wow fear any said

59:00

what are you in therapy as a michael

59:01

yeah so illness if

59:08

it's hot in is even with now and then read

59:10

the new and yeah the new one i

59:15

gideon would always we were filming

59:17

in spain with something in miami and

59:20

gideon raf would always look after me and zeljko

59:22

ivanek as will away and and

59:24

stuff and one

59:27

day he goes are you okay and ago

59:30

i think i'm depressed and

59:32

eagles why ago the snow

59:34

days me okay

59:40

then i go yeah the

59:44

you want to hang out this weekend ago the and

59:47

like he was so wonderful

59:49

to me because he didn't know anything

59:51

about my past year and

59:55

the was like no

59:59

like holding my hand throughout the house of yeah

1:00:02

then one day there was a scene

1:00:04

where i talk about my brother my

1:00:06

character's talking about brother salvia

1:00:09

later that day i

1:00:11

just couldn't stop crying kind in

1:00:13

the house what's wrong and a golf scaring

1:00:16

me this can happen again what

1:00:19

ago she getting enemy

1:00:21

i come to sit on her ears

1:00:23

sit on her snuggles old is

1:00:25

that your process you method

1:00:27

gideon picking out a new funding images

1:00:30

and ago it's scaring me here and

1:00:32

he goes oh how i

1:00:35

i i need to they

1:00:37

need to my sister

1:00:39

hey i need to fly we're and i need to

1:00:41

call my doctor oh

1:00:43

this is serious again the hear

1:00:47

a gun and then he goes we

1:00:49

do good work of point

1:00:51

it it will fight over

1:00:53

here

1:00:53

it is you know what i'm saying yes

1:00:57

, role as yes even

1:01:00

even when i started to talk about like that sowell

1:01:03

vn my body will i will

1:01:05

that's like that's with

1:01:07

it like newer naturally sort of

1:01:11

trying to manage it right this is oh so

1:01:13

when people say like you know you he had this reservoir

1:01:16

of never ending pain prisons that you could

1:01:18

see sort of tap into it wasn't he doesn't seem like you

1:01:20

worth seeking it baby sister you have

1:01:22

it in new jersey tap into it

1:01:24

you know a it is almost

1:01:27

as a way to avoid it racism and

1:01:29

then why do you just became overwhelming

1:01:31

and people were thinking that you had some sort of control

1:01:33

over it and you do but i

1:01:35

think the more work to do with that's what's interesting about

1:01:38

like with this with now and then is that

1:01:40

what you've done a lot of work right but

1:01:42

still the you know it's rich

1:01:44

that's what gave it to the to

1:01:46

the that pc life from fearlessness

1:01:49

how many years ago amount ninety three when

1:01:52

you know nearly ninety four i guess now

1:01:55

i'm sad i

1:01:57

have tools right i know the poor

1:02:00

yeah

1:02:00

i know to call my my husband eric

1:02:03

i know to call my doctor yeah

1:02:05

you know now i can go okay and

1:02:07

it allows me to breathe and release it

1:02:09

yeah and and and understand

1:02:12

where it needs to be placed

1:02:15

this is my job you ,

1:02:17

and and feelings

1:02:22

are real damn

1:02:25

what they are not the a real for

1:02:27

my job in and guess and i

1:02:29

i know that sounds and simplistic but

1:02:32

when you're in it it's not that

1:02:34

simple well , like the pond

1:02:36

problem is that you still have the pond

1:02:38

they made their not can a yeah overtake you

1:02:40

and you know what's up here but with sometimes

1:02:43

when he opened the door to those feelings

1:02:45

they can consume yes yes says

1:02:47

nuttall please don't have a i'm past the point i'm

1:02:49

sorry power is is he could eat

1:02:52

is it it is it's we

1:02:55

as but you've done so much worse

1:02:57

but there are these one these with the specific

1:02:59

ones

1:03:00

that really stand out your mind as as as

1:03:02

risky like as we work all the time

1:03:05

he pointed even hundred movies all the

1:03:07

tv shows but you don't have that experience all the

1:03:09

time yeah right now sometimes

1:03:11

you can just do the game doesn't require

1:03:13

descent exactly right

1:03:16

yeah

1:03:16

yeah so i mean i've had jobs where

1:03:19

it's never been in and or

1:03:21

maybe funny

1:03:22

yes a lot of fun together lotta

1:03:24

a lotta lotta fun and you

1:03:26

know and i'm but it's

1:03:28

, cause you know even though i had

1:03:30

a piece of that sorrows with

1:03:32

me you have to we wrapped now and then

1:03:36

i was able to exhale when i got home

1:03:38

because that's part of my work

1:03:40

to is to create

1:03:42

the home that i never had the

1:03:44

closest thing closest thing was at my aunt's house

1:03:47

or my father's house but it still wasn't

1:03:50

right

1:03:51

you know what you can return back to something and

1:03:53

then trying to have young kind of recover

1:03:55

from the work right and if you frame

1:03:57

it like that it's not as many thing is is

1:04:00

is is ever gonna go away exactly

1:04:02

and i also learned that i can't recover

1:04:04

by going home and and laying in bed for couple

1:04:06

days worth of that that would be good for me rice

1:04:08

that doesn't work for me it's a what for other

1:04:11

people here for me i need

1:04:13

to have my day of rest and

1:04:15

i need to get yeah and

1:04:17

the get up and i need to go out in the

1:04:19

sunshine here because hot

1:04:22

a bad is the home

1:04:24

the children home the blight

1:04:28

so insulated it's

1:04:30

a false

1:04:32

security security right to be indoors

1:04:35

yeah we were literally indoors

1:04:37

and inside

1:04:38

compound yeah you know shut away

1:04:40

from your real world sure you know

1:04:43

then you know even even when

1:04:45

we went to a public school they

1:04:47

had their own school in the comments

1:04:50

and there was certain kids who they have

1:04:52

felt would guess there's enough to integrate

1:04:54

into society earth and make

1:04:56

home public school not

1:04:59

public school they say those

1:05:01

you have been picked for outside school and

1:05:03

man the man's would say oh

1:05:06

did you meet any of the outside kids to

1:05:08

have any

1:05:08

outside friends also was really yeah

1:05:11

it was like that you know area

1:05:13

the when i think i you know what i'm

1:05:15

doing well by staying in the house yeah so long

1:05:18

that slim everybody my family and my husband

1:05:20

they're like in his gotham

1:05:21

i gotta go yeah go play with the outside kids

1:05:24

so you're enjoying

1:05:26

the real world you know yeah know

1:05:28

yeah stay there yeah in your head yeah

1:05:31

yeah yeah wow so

1:05:33

how did you how did you get resolution

1:05:35

with your mother

1:05:38

i don't think that ever really keen

1:05:40

i think if there was any type of resolution

1:05:43

she told me i had to suggest her

1:05:46

when she was passing and i go in

1:05:48

my head i was like oh have to forgive you for

1:05:50

anything and but what came out of

1:05:52

my mouth was i forgive you you

1:05:55

know we're and we have ten she cried

1:05:58

and and

1:06:00

the everything and and i'm glad that happens

1:06:02

most people have why he perceives

1:06:04

to be the show me to some

1:06:07

and ice and ice said you

1:06:09

gotta give people a chance

1:06:11

the guy want people give me a chance like

1:06:14

i want it i want another chance of people that

1:06:17

maybe i was an asshole to leave

1:06:19

the that i was shut down to or

1:06:21

maybe i was like

1:06:22

came off as intimidating and i'm i'm actually

1:06:24

not in i mean yes i have a temper

1:06:27

a dozen the snob but actually i'm connie

1:06:29

prices in almond nerdy corny

1:06:31

via kids and still am

1:06:34

and i'm and you

1:06:37

know it that's

1:06:39

why did because it's

1:06:41

like you doing it for

1:06:43

them here i in away right

1:06:46

image

1:06:47

you're offering her the like the difference

1:06:49

a if he's on her deathbed between you saying

1:06:51

i forgive you and you saying you know go fuck

1:06:53

yourself in way i sent him off

1:06:55

like that for an ice you still gotta carry

1:06:57

the burden of whether or not you really forgive

1:07:00

them but you let them off them hook at the

1:07:02

last minute and is facing charity

1:07:05

why not milan amina like and

1:07:08

she was mentally ill in like

1:07:10

so how so how can i really

1:07:12

for her rice and it was a different

1:07:14

time as well we're the treatment

1:07:16

wasn't great piano and seamless

1:07:19

poor here is a lot of things you know when

1:07:21

you grow up he sought to see the reality of the

1:07:23

world and and your heart opens

1:07:25

up hopefully

1:07:26

i feel a little bit yeah it's

1:07:29

, it's hard yeah

1:07:32

yeah it's because when when

1:07:35

you come from a certain amount of whatever it

1:07:37

is if you the sensitivity

1:07:39

that comes from abuse

1:07:42

if you open your heart is still a fear of being

1:07:44

overwhelmed you know like you

1:07:46

not you're gonna lose control

1:07:48

that you know because you don't have any real placed

1:07:51

on land emotionally you are brought up

1:07:53

with it so like if you open your heart like enough

1:07:55

who you take their own again it

1:07:57

is it's it's weird that the

1:08:01

we get all of them were in our our brains are in

1:08:03

our own bodies but like it's still like never

1:08:05

changes this course until

1:08:07

you can get in their rights and

1:08:10

legally and here and yeah

1:08:12

but you know it you

1:08:14

know and

1:08:16

i don't know if i will people say for

1:08:18

me to like well

1:08:21

aren't you glad what happens

1:08:23

he'll because

1:08:25

you know in major strong person

1:08:27

and i my response to those

1:08:29

people as fuck you you validating

1:08:31

the abuse right pretty major oh

1:08:33

oh oh it's a good thing that i got the

1:08:35

shit beat out of me and i was abandoned and

1:08:38

and not only you know should be that

1:08:40

me by the nuns but also by my

1:08:43

my birthmother yes and then also

1:08:45

abuse by my half siblings

1:08:48

and siblings and oh yeah yeah i agree

1:08:50

yeah yeah let's applaud that we're not

1:08:53

that i'm strong now that i survived a

1:08:55

miracle he has miracle call that strength

1:08:59

yes and i said let's let's look

1:09:01

at it a different way my rights

1:09:03

because the reason why system for not a heathen

1:09:05

me so much is because i had a strong will as

1:09:07

strong spirits that was in me before

1:09:10

yeah i was in me before my mother

1:09:12

beat the shit out of mania

1:09:14

so if those things seating happens imagine

1:09:17

how much stronger i would have them

1:09:19

imagine how much effective of a person of a

1:09:21

human being i would have been because

1:09:23

that still me didn't take

1:09:25

that away your rights yeah they

1:09:27

density see a know that i tell people

1:09:29

i'm a density and fear you know that means

1:09:31

you know but the goods are still

1:09:34

sure what they they manifest they they changed

1:09:36

it in debt to anger

1:09:37

yeah for years yeah i think is

1:09:39

what happened yeah and you could have been more

1:09:42

loving had you been given the

1:09:44

opportunity

1:09:45

exactly right you know and

1:09:47

it's like i'm stronger he

1:09:51

my what

1:09:52

yeah yeah like let's try saying that

1:09:54

via email he added everything because

1:09:56

it generates that gulp

1:09:58

the like a really gets me oh and

1:10:01

what kind of dismissive the you

1:10:03

know any like whoa you should be grateful you know you tough

1:10:05

it's like if you want to know the truth i

1:10:07

definitely wanna say something

1:10:10

like that in order to the

1:10:13

key my experiences

1:10:15

is that they don't know

1:10:17

what to say sure because it's

1:10:19

just much this year year and

1:10:21

i was another reason why and how my story here

1:10:24

not only because i was ashamed

1:10:26

of it you know you have some people understand

1:10:28

the sex of poverty

1:10:29

the abuse it's it

1:10:32

brings so much shame on you and that's

1:10:34

it that's mentally debilitating

1:10:36

vague there's no way they can be empathetic

1:10:38

with you because they don't understand the

1:10:41

to hardship of of of

1:10:43

what you go through right

1:10:45

if they can't be empathetic but also

1:10:47

it's just too much for them to

1:10:50

oh yeah of course if he is too heavy for them

1:10:52

yeah no yeah i tend to believe that enough

1:10:55

people in handle things

1:10:58

but by the that they don't

1:11:00

take the time

1:11:01

any don't you know they don't see this air sort

1:11:03

of responsibility or or their side of

1:11:05

it takes to really take it ends and

1:11:08

then also he you know even as as somebody

1:11:10

who's been through what you've been through yet there

1:11:13

the shame you may have worked through a lot of stuff

1:11:15

but you don't want to burden somebody like

1:11:17

right so there's that part of it too so it's a difficult

1:11:19

equation sports are you don't get

1:11:22

it and i'm not gonna give it to yes because

1:11:24

you know it's it's not yours the have but

1:11:26

we'll go fuck yourself for not interests

1:11:34

yeah but it's it's it's just hard the a

1:11:36

a cards but on the the the

1:11:39

the flipside of yeah thank god i i

1:11:41

got out yeah yeah

1:11:42

god because you know what people

1:11:45

like i know i do you want your we seem

1:11:47

so happy ago and i was here

1:11:49

that was authentic sure you know the

1:11:51

means split when i wasn't

1:11:53

happy you're out was authentic to

1:11:55

assist that i hit it

1:11:56

the meal or yeah you know here

1:11:59

in now

1:12:00

one i'm trying to show

1:12:02

up as my wholesale yeah and

1:12:04

it's ten difficult like

1:12:07

even sitting here talking about it is difficult

1:12:10

sure but i the

1:12:12

all this mean what

1:12:15

about it yeah you know to

1:12:18

get it the my system what

1:12:22

also maybe maybe

1:12:24

someone listening could the

1:12:27

get to the place law met quicker

1:12:29

than i did

1:12:30

yeah he only because fear

1:12:33

like yeah i get the help

1:12:34

get the help is that what i mean here in

1:12:36

on him he likes my work that that a

1:12:38

because i got help yeah you're

1:12:41

not a media more control over

1:12:42

more than two hours out and keep getting

1:12:45

more more out of my way and

1:12:47

then i can move forward even with the

1:12:49

work like work like like a silly but

1:12:51

now and then i know how to manage it sir

1:12:53

and know how to manage all of these things

1:12:56

and dumb hopefully

1:12:58

you know maybe some as someone

1:13:00

else can use

1:13:02

the commiserations some share a

1:13:04

common as to be as is a one score through

1:13:06

this before

1:13:08

but you're also able to show up for yourself as yourself as

1:13:11

person yeah you know hiding something

1:13:13

about you know the transparency

1:13:15

of of copying to you

1:13:18

know your your same and did the abuse

1:13:20

and and i was because it's missiles you up you

1:13:22

don't have this other side you

1:13:24

that that you keep yourself because

1:13:26

you're ashamed of it are afraid of it or you think

1:13:28

people can handle a slight you gotta walk

1:13:30

through life you know at least feeling

1:13:33

yourself right that

1:13:35

mean sensing it's all more vulnerable and

1:13:37

it's uncomfortable

1:13:39

but they ultimately heel erg he

1:13:42

he

1:13:43

when something taken from he was a kid in

1:13:45

iraq in this weird sort of disjointed

1:13:47

way like party cat showed anybody

1:13:50

and that party was very young and very scared

1:13:52

but once i think you get used to it will

1:13:54

integrate

1:13:55

right i also

1:14:01

i chose so you

1:14:03

know but

1:14:04

yeah you know this it's i

1:14:06

dunno it's it's it's still

1:14:08

a process a process yeah yeah well

1:14:10

you're doing good work yeah

1:14:19

, ended up

1:14:21

in the right way in the real way yeah

1:14:24

so what about what how you feeling about work in

1:14:26

general you're going to keep doing stuff keep you have do

1:14:28

you have things are on the that

1:14:30

you're going to you're working on now

1:14:33

yeah we're working on developing certain

1:14:36

the and for you yeah

1:14:38

okay and i'm i'm from

1:14:41

i'm other thing here i would

1:14:43

i would say that

1:14:46

i know deep down in my so even though

1:14:48

those moments where like i have to walk away

1:14:50

from the vienna that

1:14:52

i can't the

1:14:55

it serves it's purpose

1:14:57

for me it's in me it's

1:15:00

the me that i have to it's

1:15:03

yeah i i love

1:15:05

acting

1:15:06

you know the even know it's sometimes it's torches

1:15:09

me i am i love it

1:15:11

because those

1:15:14

moments of florencia arm very

1:15:17

small compared to all the other

1:15:19

joys that it brings me and

1:15:21

even like when i sat and watched now and then

1:15:23

like the or how i felt a sorrow but i felt

1:15:25

as so great that the

1:15:28

know

1:15:29

the entire cast we made magic

1:15:31

fear is that fills my

1:15:33

hot up with so much

1:15:35

joy yeah and love them

1:15:38

and i you know i

1:15:40

just have to keep doing this until

1:15:43

the served its purpose but i

1:15:46

feel like i'm not finished

1:15:48

well i think he i i feel honestly

1:15:50

that you your best work as a headache

1:15:54

the sense that the more you find

1:15:56

out about the south and the more you

1:15:58

have sort of control over your story

1:16:01

how's that not going to make the the

1:16:03

characters are the rose you taken place

1:16:05

so much deeper and and and and and

1:16:08

sort of more powerful than away

1:16:10

yeah i hope so

1:16:12

i hope so i look

1:16:14

forward to that possibility

1:16:16

you know because one thing that

1:16:18

i did learn in therapy or like

1:16:20

you said a site i've been acting all my

1:16:23

life right

1:16:24

this working on a screen on a state

1:16:26

vs you know the or it would he

1:16:28

was necessary for your survival

1:16:30

the necessary for my survival so i can play

1:16:32

other people very the way for yeah you

1:16:35

know in the sense that i can

1:16:37

get into character

1:16:38

well now it but now as it as a professional

1:16:40

you gotta do it because you're terrified it's

1:16:44

it's yes yes yes all

1:16:47

the number of the nuns for the first the put

1:16:49

the month and oh really

1:16:50

yes i was the lead easter bunnies in the

1:16:52

easter bunny for

1:16:54

yeah it alex elite bunny yeah

1:16:57

eminem ah in in in

1:16:59

the candy man that's where they taught me how to tap

1:17:02

for a put me as they would do the stage

1:17:04

productions two and a holiday inside

1:17:07

comment at a theater the catholic

1:17:09

it had money let me tell you the oh sure thing

1:17:11

i'll be as you know these

1:17:12

the shit out of us yeah you know i'm

1:17:14

say had money via an arm the death

1:17:16

of like

1:17:18

spike lee of he never acted no no

1:17:20

no and i wiping

1:17:22

out of my brief vs on one

1:17:24

my thought is therapy i

1:17:26

went oh my god the nuns saw it it's

1:17:29

a fucking know how to give them the

1:17:31

it might cause if he is only

1:17:33

a survey some worst says the worst

1:17:35

moments cystic

1:17:37

, those fucking nuns credit words

1:17:40

well there you go with you go this is something

1:17:43

although we talked about your how a

1:17:45

young people can understand but there is

1:17:47

something about at least acknowledging

1:17:50

whatever good whizzing by of the

1:17:52

doesn't take away from the bad enough

1:17:54

but it is diverse it gives a little balance

1:17:57

i have to be with the bed and i stated that

1:17:59

attic the only two birds awesome not going

1:18:01

to survive the course

1:18:03

i mean i'm not going to survive because you

1:18:05

know it for me what what

1:18:08

it says is that fading to

1:18:11

the behavior a the still

1:18:13

able to enjoy life

1:18:15

the had moments of enjoy yes he

1:18:17

went off to at all the like they

1:18:19

just couldn't trust me nobody could

1:18:22

yeah i you know i know i

1:18:24

i on you know that

1:18:26

stage i remember the candyman can't

1:18:28

i remember i still kind of remember the routines

1:18:31

on the of me to do it see as an arm

1:18:33

i remember being on that stage when i

1:18:35

loud myself to remember

1:18:37

right vs how much joy

1:18:39

he sells most beautiful in

1:18:42

thanks for tottenham oh

1:18:45

my pleasure of lutheran

1:18:46

sure we knew we could talk more

1:18:49

now and i think god this was torturous thank

1:18:55

you for my

1:18:56

i thank you is really a honor to meet

1:18:58

you thank you the same here name

1:19:06

why a take

1:19:10

it easy for the rest of day what

1:19:12

amazing conversation on telling

1:19:14

you to take it easy telling me to take

1:19:16

it easy a as take said

1:19:18

the flight attendant is now in season

1:19:20

to a on h be max and you can watch

1:19:22

new show and now and then now

1:19:25

streaming on apple tv plus you can go to new

1:19:27

tv com dot com be putting

1:19:29

up some new dates this week and

1:19:31

this some a you know i

1:19:34

think some metal music not sure why

1:19:37

answer i play something very much like it's not

1:19:41

, ago says the new guitar

1:19:43

guitar good i'm

1:19:46

tired

1:21:57

no or the

1:22:00

thanking the find and

1:22:02

cat angels everywhere