0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of

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the you Are Not Alone podcast . I'm

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your co-host , debbie Gold , and I'm here

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with my co-host and son , greg

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, and we're so glad that you're here . Each

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week on this show , we will talk about

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issues that matter most to you , and

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it is our wish that you will find hope

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, encouragement and a little bit of

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Jesus in every show . Again

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, we're so glad that you're here and thanks for listening

0:25

. Hello

0:31

, welcome to our show

0:33

today . Yeah , we're

0:36

excited to be here . We're going to be talking

0:38

about assertiveness and

0:40

being able to say no to people

0:42

. Last week we talked about self-esteem

0:45

and this sort of is a piggyback

0:48

A carry-on . A carry-on or a piggyback

0:50

onto that ?

0:53

It was funny . You were discussing

0:55

the topics of this podcast and you were

0:57

like , what about assertiveness

0:59

? And I was like , oh sure

1:01

, but inside my head I was like , what is that

1:03

? And so I was like , honestly , mom ?

1:04

But inside my head I was like what is that you know ? And so I was like honestly

1:06

mom what is assertiveness ?

1:08

And then I Googled it or you told me

1:10

what it was and I was like oh , I know how to do that

1:13

, you know . So I did it without knowing what it was

1:15

basically .

1:15

Right , it's such a good topic

1:18

though . Yeah , for sure

1:20

. It's a skill that we all need to have

1:22

, Right yeah , because communication runs

1:24

the world .

1:25

So I googled it just

1:27

for like a little you know heads

1:29

up on this episode and it said being

1:32

assertive means that it's communicating

1:34

with others in a direct or honest manner

1:36

without intentionally hurting anyone's feelings

1:38

.

1:40

Isn't that awesome . Yeah , I

1:42

like that is so simple .

1:44

It sums it up perfectly .

1:45

And how often do we get

1:47

like , oh , I'm not going to say

1:50

anything because I don't

1:52

want to rock the boat . Or

1:55

you have something happen over and

1:57

over again and then you just start

1:59

yelling at somebody because you

2:03

didn't get it across yes , or you didn't

2:05

speak up . Yes , and so I

2:07

think

2:09

it's definitely a good topic

2:12

and something that we could , all you

2:15

know . I'm just reminded I love doing these podcasts

2:17

because I get reminded of some of the habits

2:19

that I need to break or that I've gotten into

2:22

, or some you know , we all make mistakes right

2:24

, we're sinners .

2:25

You work on your traits as you . You know

2:27

we all make mistakes .

2:27

Right , we're sinners , but you work on your traits , as you you

2:30

know , talk about and discuss them . And so , as I was thinking about assertiveness

2:32

and I was being reminded of when I first

2:34

was in my internship , after

2:36

I had my master's degree

2:39

and I was working , I did a group

2:41

with women on how to be assertive .

2:43

Oh yeah .

2:43

Yeah , I used to work with women that were

2:46

.

2:46

Tell me about it .

2:47

Well , they were women that were

2:49

in usually hard

2:51

situations you know abusive relationships

2:54

or

2:56

single moms and

2:58

so we would talk about being assertive , being

3:01

aggressive and the difference between

3:03

those two . And then the difference between

3:05

being passive , aggressive which is

3:07

a whole nother .

3:08

I hate passive aggressive . Yeah , keep going about

3:11

that .

3:11

So , yeah , I mean , there's just the different levels . So

3:14

where we want to get to is a place of being just

3:16

assertive , being able to express our needs in

3:19

a very respectful way and

3:22

without hurting anyone's feelings Without hurting anyone's feelings without

3:24

hurting anyone's feelings . When was this class ? It

3:27

was just a small group , a therapy group that

3:29

I did okay yeah , cool how many

3:31

people were in that was well varied

3:33

. I did a series you do like a six-week

3:35

series .

3:36

Oh , okay , yeah , and they sit around in

3:38

a circle and it's

3:40

like a little intervention .

3:41

Right , I do the educational part where I teach

3:43

it , and then we talk about our issues .

3:44

Oh , so you taught it , yeah , okay . Yeah . So

3:47

you went over like you know different topics and stuff

3:49

like that Interesting , okay , and

3:51

they came from . You know different backgrounds or the people

3:53

, okay , cool .

3:54

Yeah , it was at a nonprofit agency

3:57

. Oh

4:07

, that's cool to 1995 there you go

4:10

that's when I worked there so long ago . Yeah , it was a big year . I got married

4:12

and we bought the house wow and

4:14

I was becoming a therapist big

4:16

, big year for you .

4:17

Big year , yeah , that's crazy anyways

4:20

.

4:20

so now that we kind of know what assertiveness

4:22

is , I think that

4:24

I recognize it so much

4:26

yeah .

4:27

It's so in high school , middle school

4:29

and college . Because , think about it , gossip

4:32

, gossip , gossip , gossip

4:34

. Right , that is the opposite of being assertive

4:37

, because , like I mean , assertive

4:39

is communicating with each other directly

4:41

or honestly . Gossip

4:43

is not that it's going behind each other's backs

4:45

, it's being sneaky and stuff like that

4:48

.

4:48

It's not talking to someone directly about something

4:50

that happened .

4:51

It ruins um relationships

4:53

and friendships my freshman year of high school

4:55

. You remember that little friend group I had with those girls

4:57

. Like nasty and toxic gosh

5:00

, they hated each other one week and

5:02

then the next week I'm going over to

5:04

her house . I was like I thought

5:06

you said you hated her . Well , that was

5:08

just because I said that , and I was like

5:10

you tell me that you hate her guts when I'm

5:13

driving in the car with you . Two

5:15

days later , you're at her house having a picnic

5:17

. I'm like what is going on here ?

5:23

So it was so toxic and I didn't know what was going on with each other .

5:24

Well , there you go . Nobody communicated honestly . Everyone

5:27

was just making up stories . They were gossiping

5:29

. Relationships were in the way . It was

5:31

just a mess .

5:32

Yeah , that's exactly . That's such

5:34

a good example . That's what will happen . And

5:36

also gossip , I just want to add , is

5:38

something

5:41

the Bible does not promote , not at all , but it's so childish

5:43

something the Bible does not promote , right Not at all , but it's so childish .

5:45

No , if you've got a problem with someone or like something , you

5:47

can just speak up . You know yeah . I

5:49

agree , I've heard a lot of people be like if you have a problem

5:51

with something say it , you know . There's

5:53

no point of hiding it , because then the problem's not going to

5:55

get resolved , right ?

5:56

And I think when you say things , eventually

5:59

people are going to come to know that you're that kind of person

6:01

.

6:01

That will say something that you can talk to right

6:04

and they're going to become , uh

6:07

, more okay with with you and who you

6:09

are and they'll be more open with dialoguing

6:11

with you yeah , I had a friend

6:13

in high school his name is david um

6:16

, he would just say anything or like he

6:18

was like almost the loud kid , but

6:20

he wasn't like disrespectful loud , like he

6:22

would say his opinion like on a . He

6:24

would laugh out loud oh my gosh

6:26

, that's funny . And then the whole class would be kind of

6:29

off to it . But then as the year

6:31

went by people started to love it

6:33

and he was so loud and

6:36

he just didn't have any confidence

6:38

issues and he would just

6:40

be loud , but he would be up front

6:42

and stuff like that . Everyone loved it

6:44

because they felt so comfortable . Sure , he's not going

6:46

to judge me because he doesn't care .

6:48

You know he's funny and goofy . They've come to know

6:50

. They came to know who he was His

6:52

character .

6:53

His character yeah , that's awesome

6:55

. I love that . Yeah , he was such a character

6:57

. So .

6:59

You know , I think , that we

7:01

deal with situations every day

7:04

of our lives where we can practice our being

7:06

assertive . We were mentioning

7:08

or talking , before we got on the show here , about

7:12

going to one of your professors or a teacher

7:14

with a question that you have

7:17

.

7:17

Right , so many people don't do it in college

7:19

. Yeah , so many people are like oh , the professors

7:22

are evil , they're gremlins and stuff like that

7:24

.

7:24

Those are evil , they're gremlins and stuff like that . Those are excuses .

7:26

No , those are excuses . But for larger schools

7:28

like A&M , tech or something like that , I can see

7:31

how kind of because some professors

7:33

might not be , you know , the most open or outgoing

7:35

but if you , if you make the

7:37

extra effort . Like my first

7:39

semester of high school or college

7:42

, I met my professor , dr Farwell

7:44

. It was for intro to business and

7:47

it was like four classes in

7:49

or something like that . I just finally went to him with a

7:51

question after class and he was like super

7:54

nice to where . I almost was

7:56

like surprised that he was so happy that I was asking

7:58

a question . I was like why is he so

8:00

happy that I'm asking a simple question ? I need

8:03

something I need help yeah um

8:05

, and then the second class . After

8:07

I asked him the question , he was like

8:09

why is he so happy that I'm ? Asking a simple question . I need something , I need help , yeah

8:11

. And then the second class after I asked him the question , he was like

8:13

yeah , you have a good day , man , something

8:15

like that . And I don't know what he said , but we clicked off a little conversation

8:17

no-transcript

8:27

. He was such a cool professor because we had

8:29

, you know , he was a . State Farm employee

8:31

as well , that's right . Yes , yeah , so he had his own

8:33

little State Farm firm and

8:36

it was like his first year of being a professor

8:38

and for the first time a teacher

8:40

kind of opened up up to me . He was like , oh

8:43

my gosh , greg . Um , I'm stressed as

8:45

hell because I'm managing my state farm firm

8:47

and then also I'm trying to teach a class and four

8:49

months ago I didn't know I was going to be teaching this

8:51

class when the uh university

8:53

reached out to me or something like that and

8:56

I was like , really I had no idea and he's

8:58

like yeah , I had to help one of one of

9:00

the uh co-workers had to print some of the

9:02

slide shows for the coursework

9:05

and stuff like that . I had to research

9:07

late at night . You know how do I ? You know , da , da

9:09

, da , da da . He's like how do you think I'm

9:11

doing ?

9:12

Oh my gosh . I was like you're doing great

9:15

. That is so good . I love your class .

9:17

I enjoy your class . He's like , really , yeah , I'm

9:19

like , no , you're doing a great job as a professor

9:22

. You're a lot better than most of my high school teachers

9:24

and stuff like that . So it was cool because I could

9:26

.

9:26

I hope they're not listening yeah

9:28

.

9:30

That'd be funny , reaches out to me . I'm

9:34

sure he'd love it

9:36

. But

9:40

yeah , it was so cool because he came to me for help and advice

9:42

almost , and I was like this guy's a professor and he's

9:44

asking me for advice .

9:45

You know , super cool . That's another thing about being a . We have to remember

9:47

that we all are human and we

9:49

all have needs .

9:50

Yeah , you can view your professor as a human . He's

9:52

not just a professor . He's also a human

9:54

that goes home and has a family and a wife he wants to

9:56

be happy .

9:57

He wants to do a good job . He's like everybody

9:59

else . Right , even though they're looked

10:01

at on more of a hierarchy

10:04

above you . But yeah

10:06

, and you also talked about like maybe

10:09

being in a larger university and

10:12

this can happen in small or large , but where

10:15

they're maybe not as personable or

10:17

they don't really get to know their students , whatever . But

10:22

you know , maybe they act like they don't have time for

10:24

you or they kind of

10:26

blow you off or whatever , but

10:29

you have to be prepared for some of those kind

10:31

of situations as well . Absolutely , you know

10:34

professors they're busy ass people .

10:35

Yeah , they don't have

10:37

time for some things , or ?

10:39

maybe it's not a good day for them , right you ?

10:40

caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a bad answer . Right , shoot them an email . You have

10:43

to for them , right ? You caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a bad answer , right ?

10:44

uh , shoot them an email you have to be , yeah

10:47

, you have to be able to

10:49

know that you may not always get

10:51

that warm fuzzy right , yeah , exactly

10:53

but you , you know , most likely you will , but not

10:55

always yeah , and so you have to just put

10:57

your armor on and be

10:59

okay with that yeah , it

11:02

sucks , but sucks .

11:03

but yeah , go to plan B , there you go .

11:06

Um , okay , so when we're being assertive

11:08

, there's something called the three

11:11

C's of assertiveness . Um

11:14

, to

11:16

be confident when you're talking

11:18

, make sure your message is real clear and

11:21

be really controlled and speak in a very

11:23

calm and controlled manner .

11:25

Yeah , I've .

11:25

I've heard um people

11:27

say that if you speak slower , it makes

11:29

you sound more confident because , it

11:33

makes you sound like you know what you're talking about more

11:35

, and you know what you're going to say yeah

11:37

and you see more calm about the subject I

11:39

think when you talk fast , it there's

11:42

like this underlying sense that there may be

11:44

some anxiety there yeah

11:46

I'm really nervous about this you

11:49

know that kind of something like that . Yeah , I'm

11:51

not sure about what I'm talking about or you

11:53

know any of that yeah , um um

11:56

, so

12:00

what are the obstacles to

12:03

being assertive ? I think I want to kind

12:05

of hit on that a little bit .

12:06

Feelings .

12:08

Feelings like you don't know what you're feeling .

12:10

No , you don't want to hurt their feelings .

12:13

Oh well , you can't manage anyone else's

12:15

feelings .

12:16

Let's get that set down so

12:18

whatever someone else feels from

12:20

a conversation that's their stuff

12:22

. But for topics it can differ

12:24

too . You know , if it's a sensitive topic and you

12:27

don't want to hurt somebody's feelings

12:29

, it might be hard to come across that

12:31

way .

12:33

Yeah , but I also think like

12:35

if you think

12:37

it might be a sensitive issue , you have to

12:39

be a little more sensitive and think more

12:42

about what you're going to say Right

12:44

, right , exactly .

12:45

Get clear on that that , yeah , you can't just , you know

12:47

, hop in , oh my god , jenny's sick , or something like

12:49

that , or something

12:51

worse .

12:52

But yeah , um

12:54

, I think another obstacle is you think that your , your

12:56

, your needs don't matter . Oh , it's

12:59

okay I'll be fine , don't worry about

13:01

me , those kind of things . Yeah , or

13:07

another obstacle is you think you're going to get flustered

13:09

, because you've done that before . It's like I tried this

13:11

once and I got flustered and it

13:14

didn't turn out . Well , you know , you've got to practice

13:16

what you're going to say . Yeah , you really have to . So

13:18

don't let what

13:21

you think the outcome might be .

13:23

Affect what you're going to do .

13:25

Stop you ? Yes , right , go ahead and

13:27

practice , practice , practice and I

13:29

would tell the ladies to do that over and over

13:31

. Write it down . Write down what you want to say

13:33

. Get a good idea in your head .

13:35

But also don't overthink it . Be confident , it's

13:37

you know , you can do this yeah .

13:40

Well , there is that and that's okay for some people but some people

13:42

do need to , you know . But

13:45

you're right , I like that .

13:46

So you know be confident . Yeah

13:48

, cause a lot of times you know if

13:50

you're going to say , let's say you're

13:53

practicing assertiveness to tell

13:55

someone something like , let's say , you

13:57

have to go talk to your neighbor downstairs or something

13:59

like that , but you have anxiety with doing that

14:01

right to your class . You teach assertiveness

14:04

or something like that , but , um

14:06

, you know you're still kind of

14:08

nervous or something like that . You know you can just practice

14:11

it and people tend to overthink

14:13

it and they eat themselves up with

14:15

it , you know . And so you can just

14:17

stand in front of the mirror and like practice what you're going

14:19

to say . Practice what you're going to say . Practice what you're going

14:21

to say . But if you overthink it , like it . Practice what

14:23

you're going to say , but if you overthink it , it hurts you kind of . So

14:26

just tell yourself that you're confident you

14:28

got this , because when you back yourself up like that

14:30

, it's helpful .

14:31

Right , I feel , and

14:33

I think more toward the end . Here we'll talk about

14:35

how do you be assertive , how

14:37

can you do that , and so that'll

14:39

help with some of that , I

14:43

think I want to put you on the spot here just a little

14:45

bit .

14:46

Oh yeah , yeah .

14:46

Okay , Um so , a

14:48

situation where you could be , um , not

14:51

real comfortable with and I'm not talking about

14:53

you in general , I'm just saying in general- or not

14:56

specifically you , but in general . What

14:59

about ? I mean , this is really an awkward thing

15:02

for a lot of young kids , young

15:04

Zen , you know Gen Z people . But

15:07

asking someone out on a date right

15:09

.

15:09

There you go .

15:10

So I mean , if you saw the pretty girl

15:12

at the coffee shop or you know

15:14

whatever , what , how , how

15:16

do you think you really wanted to like ? Do

15:19

you ? Do you have a sense about how

15:21

you might handle that ?

15:22

Yeah , so she's behind

15:24

the counter .

15:25

Sure she can be behind the counter , she can be doing

15:27

.

15:27

I've seen one at a coffee shop before , so you

15:29

just go up to her . Hey , I thought you were really cute

15:31

. I was wondering if I could get your number

15:33

or if you're free later , or something like

15:36

that .

15:36

Yeah .

15:37

And say it slow , say it slow .

15:39

Say it slow . Say it slow , hey , it's a little bit slow , I know right , and they're like

15:41

what ? Hey ?

15:41

my name is yeah , and I thought you were cute .

15:43

Oh , that's a great way to start . Hey , my name is Greg .

15:45

Yeah , and I thought you were cute , I noticed you and

15:47

was wondering if . Yeah , If

15:56

I could you know , ask for your number

15:58

or you know that are recently done

16:00

. Compliment those that's right see if their

16:02

toes toenails are done because girls they

16:05

like that when you compliment their toes um

16:08

see if they have a nice dress on

16:10

anything you can compliment just

16:12

there's always something you can say nice

16:14

about somebody and their appearance . Yeah , because once

16:16

you get a smile in , you're golden , there you go

16:18

but um what I heard you do

16:21

was using I statements .

16:23

You know , like you know , I noticed

16:25

you back here working and I was

16:27

wondering if I could get your phone number

16:29

.

16:30

I'd love to go have some coffee , make him blush a little bit

16:32

yeah , yeah . Then

16:34

you're in , so anyway .

16:36

Okay , so that's , that's good .

16:38

Yeah .

16:39

I think also like during

16:41

job interviews or when we're sort of this

16:43

you know we already talked about

16:45

that being this sort of the superior person

16:47

.

16:50

Oh , job interview one's a really good thing

16:52

to do too , because at the end of every

16:54

single job interview I've been to

16:56

, they always ask you , do you have any questions

16:58

for us about the job ? And I used

17:00

to say no , and dad was like no

17:02

, no , no , no , no You're doing everything wrong okay

17:05

so you want to ask them questions .

17:06

That's right . Dad is a . You know he does executive

17:09

recruiting and recruiting for high-tech companies

17:11

. Right to get employees

17:13

in open positions at companies

17:15

.

17:16

So he's very very

17:18

good at interviews interviews 24 7

17:20

. He interviews people all the time over the

17:22

phone , stuff like that , yeah right so he

17:24

was like greg , you're doing

17:26

this wrong here , you want it and you want

17:28

to know golden question , that'll help your interview

17:30

, uh , and I was like sure , and

17:33

he goes okay . So when they ask you , you

17:35

know , do you have any questions for us ? Either

17:37

, if there's one person in the interview or two people

17:39

in the interview , go to them . What

17:42

is your favorite part about working here ? And

17:44

you know , eye contact , direct , you know

17:46

, and then they'll have to , you know , have a personal

17:49

experience and stuff like that . And if it's a

17:51

personal experience , maybe you can relate that

17:53

way , build a little deeper relationship

17:55

there and then if you have any other concerns

17:57

or questions that that , even

17:59

that are small or big , ask them

18:01

, because they're there for your questions . That's why

18:03

they asked you know , do you have anything else we

18:05

can help with ?

18:06

So I love the one . I

18:09

know that young people are afraid

18:11

to ask well , what's the starting pay

18:14

? Yeah , it seems like you and your brother

18:16

avoid that whole question . I've talked to other parents about

18:18

it . I hate to ask

18:21

. So here's another way you can say

18:23

you can say so I'm curious what the starting

18:25

pay for me would be .

18:26

Right , exactly .

18:27

So I'm curious , you know .

18:28

I statement yeah , right .

18:29

Now what is the starting pay ?

18:31

Yeah , I'm curious to know what the starting pay is going to

18:33

be for this position .

18:35

For this position . Yeah , so

18:37

very fair question .

18:38

No , absolutely yeah . So it doesn't hurt to

18:40

ask too , because you just want to get informed

18:42

, you know , of why

18:44

you're working there .

18:46

Yeah , yeah , is

18:48

this going to fit for me .

18:49

Is this going to work for me ? Is this a good paying job

18:51

for me ?

19:08

You need to know what you're going to get paid , because you may want to buy a car

19:10

or something and you've got to save up . And how do you , how do you do that right ? So I think

19:12

the first thing that you need to do is really kind of look at your style , like

19:14

really assess yourself . So

19:17

does you

19:19

know , um , do you like to express

19:21

your opinions or do you kind of keep quiet about those

19:24

? Right ? Do you like to

19:26

say yes

19:29

when you really need to say no because

19:31

your schedule is so full right now ? Right ? yeah

19:33

, like if someone asks you to do something for them .

19:35

I hate doing that . I don't know why I do that . I

19:37

always , you know , are you free right now ? Yeah , yeah , yeah , because

19:40

I want to be nice to them , or something like that . But

19:45

are you free right now ? Yeah , yeah , cause I want to be nice to them , or something like that . But then I'm like mentally or physically exhausted and I just got done with something

19:47

and I'm like inside .

19:47

I know you did that for me . I know you go out

19:49

and you do your job and you work and you do your college

19:52

and then , like when you're home this summer

19:54

and I know you've been out doing your landscaping

19:56

business and which I'm really

19:58

proud of you for- You're

20:04

doing a really great job . We got another client as well

20:07

, nice , yeah , so wait to hear . Yeah , um , anyway . But and then I go , you know , you come

20:09

home and I'm like , can you help me move

20:11

this thing over here , can

20:13

you help me with that ? And I know you probably just want to get

20:15

in the shower and you

20:17

know , but that's another thing you could say too . It's like , hey

20:20

, mom , I want to help you and I will . I let

20:22

me get in the shower first . I really need to take

20:24

a shower yeah so there's , you

20:26

know , you can meet your needs before all

20:29

right , jumping on my stuff .

20:30

I see it as mama first , then

20:32

me second .

20:32

Well don't yeah , you got to put your

20:35

needs first , it's okay , I mean , I appreciate

20:37

that .

20:37

Yeah , I always want to help you , I know you do well .

20:39

You're so sweet , but you always want

20:41

to help everybody too . Yeah , you're very , very

20:44

there for people yeah , that's another thing . It's

20:46

like saying no without feeling guilty it's

20:48

another thing of exactly being a surter yeah

20:51

, so so , and I used to feel that way , like

20:53

if you don't even have the time for something .

20:55

Yo , do you want to come over to my house later ? We watch a

20:57

game or we watch , you know , a tv

20:59

show or something like that . No , I can't , because

21:01

I have dinner or something like that , with my family .

21:04

Yeah , I

21:06

would love to do that , but I've already got plans

21:08

.

21:08

It sucks saying no , but if you can't

21:10

make it , you can't make it .

21:12

Yeah , and people understand that . You have to remember

21:14

that , right , yeah .

21:17

Stuff comes up and different things like that .

21:19

So anyway , kind of looking at what are your tendencies

21:22

, are

21:29

you

21:31

afraid to talk to people that are superior to you , you

21:33

know , just really looking at yourself , kind of taking a deep dive into how do I

21:35

respond and how do I act in situations

21:38

when I'm around other people . Do I put myself at a compromise

21:41

or Um , or do I put

21:43

myself first ?

21:44

Right .

21:44

And you know that I think that's really important to

21:46

do . But again , then

21:48

we talked about I statements um

21:51

earlier , and so

21:53

I I think I asked you um

21:56

, what would you do if you went to McDonald's

21:58

and you got an order um

22:02

and your order ? You received

22:04

your order and it was like totally messed up , totally

22:06

not even anything that you ordered . Okay , so it's not

22:08

even close , yeah .

22:10

Let's say you get a quarter pounder with fries and I get a

22:12

Filet-O-Fish with brownie . Let's

22:16

say drive-thru or

22:18

drive-thru .

22:18

Sure , you can take drive-thru .

22:20

I mostly do drive-thru . So

22:24

let's say I pull up at the drive spot because I'm , or the parking spot

22:26

because I'm gonna eat in my car , because I'm weird , and

22:29

then I'm gonna open the bag . I do that too , and

22:31

then I'm gonna be happy because I get a quarter pounder

22:33

and stuff , and then I'm gonna be upset

22:35

because I don't get my food . So I'm gonna

22:37

pull around . I'm either gonna go , I'm

22:40

probably just gonna go inside , cause I don't want to wait

22:42

in a drive-thru line cause that's going to take forever

22:44

.

22:44

Yeah .

22:44

I'll just wait at the line and it'll be like excuse me

22:47

, yeah , I just ordered this through the drive-thru

22:49

and I noticed after looking at it that , um

22:51

, this isn't my order , and things like that . Um

22:53

, so I was wondering if I could get this changed out

22:56

or corrected .

22:56

That is so perfect . Oh my gosh .

22:58

The .

22:59

I statements in there were amazing .

23:00

Oh yeah , yeah , I didn't even notice Like I

23:02

ordered this .

23:03

I ordered so-and-so . Whatever , this

23:06

isn't what I ordered

23:08

. I forget what y'all said , but

23:10

you know , could I get

23:12

a ?

23:13

Mm-hmm , can I get a ?

23:16

A quarter pounder with cheese , what I really ordered Exactly

23:18

. Yeah , yeah , so

23:21

, anyway , yeah , perfect . Yeah

23:25

, yeah , um , so anyway , yeah , perfect instead of . You know , some people get really angry and

23:27

I get it . You know people have bad days . Y'all messed up . You messed up my order like

23:29

it's like you , you , you , pointing , pointing

23:32

, pointing the blame . I've seen like public freak outs

23:34

online and stuff like y'all can't even get my burger

23:36

right , and stuff like that . Well , I've seen him in person

23:38

yeah , I know um

23:42

, anyway , and I think um , so that's

23:44

using I statements versus you and

23:46

you know that's really coming from a place of blame

23:48

when you say you yeah and

23:50

so always try to reframe it what

23:53

it is . It's distracting the blame , so

23:55

yeah , yeah , it's what's putting it on something

23:57

taking the blame off you and putting it on someone

24:00

else yeah , well , there's , and it shouldn't be a blame

24:02

, it just should be like this this is that's

24:04

the point , is okay

24:06

, so there's no blame . And so I was at the gym the other

24:08

day and , um , I

24:11

had signed chase up for gym membership and

24:13

it's a once a month fee right . It's

24:15

so much a month $30 , whatever and

24:18

they billed me on the first and then on the 15th

24:20

I got another charge . And so when I

24:22

went into the gym , um

24:25

yesterday , the day before yesterday , and

24:27

um I said

24:29

to the owner I go , hey , I

24:31

got charged twice this month . I go I mean

24:34

, I've been here forever , I know that it's a once a month

24:36

fee , I don't know what's going on . He looked

24:38

at it and he goes uh , who set this up

24:40

? And I said , well , so-and-so , and

24:42

um , he goes

24:44

, well , he didn't do it right . And I go , he's charging

24:47

you . He puts you as bi , bi-monthly

24:49

, so he's going to get billed or bi-weekly

24:51

is it . So you get billed every two

24:53

weeks for the one , the fee . That's . So

24:56

basically , I'm getting billed twice yeah

24:58

. And um . So when I went

25:00

to go , um , I walked

25:02

over to the guys later after I got done working out

25:05

and the

25:07

gentleman that set me up , he goes

25:09

. I am so sorry . He said I I

25:11

messed this up and he

25:13

was very apologetic and I go , hey man

25:15

, I go . You were really busy that day

25:17

. You were trying to work me in and get

25:19

my son signed up and I had

25:21

two of you . I signed you up for the summer membership

25:24

and I right , yeah , and I go . And you were

25:26

trying to work with a client . Work with

25:28

a yeah and while he was doing his reps , you were trying to help

25:30

me and get me going . I mean , you were crazy that

25:32

day Multitasking and everything .

25:33

I go , I totally get it yeah , and so Well

25:45

that's nice way to

25:47

start a conversation about something

25:49

, yeah , exactly .

25:51

So anyway , those I statements are so important . And

25:53

just taking some ownership .

25:55

Yeah .

25:56

Another thing I think that you can do when you're learning

25:58

how to be assertive is you know practicing what you

26:00

want to say . You know . For you maybe that isn't

26:03

so important , maybe you're better off the cuff

26:05

, but you know .

26:05

For you maybe that isn't so important , maybe

26:07

you're better off the cuff , but if you really need to write it

26:10

out , that was the thing about my buddy in high school , david

26:12

. He would debate you on almost anything

26:14

, and I mean anything To where the debates

26:17

would get so funny at the lunch tables Everyone

26:19

would chime in no

26:21

, the Roman Coliseum . No , no , no , no , no . Did

26:24

you know that ? And it would be about anything so anyone

26:26

could get like interested in it . And

26:28

he was so dang strong about

26:30

his opinion like he would scream oh , his

26:33

opinion and stuff . It was so funny too

26:35

, like he'd make a little show out of it , yeah um

26:38

, and it was so funny . So because

26:40

he expressed , you know , what he liked , what he what

26:42

he thought was right , his opinions and stuff

26:44

like that and just he was being funny

26:47

while doing it , so everyone got a kick out

26:49

of it .

26:49

Yeah , and there's nothing wrong with expressing your

26:51

opinion , as long as you're not imposing on

26:53

somebody else .

26:54

Yeah .

26:56

Keep your emotions in check . That's a really big thing

26:58

. It's real easy to get thrown off

27:00

or get frustrated or get angry or those

27:04

kind of things . But try to remain calm . That's really

27:06

, really important . And

27:09

keep your voice excuse

27:11

me , keep your voice even , and

27:13

you know just strong and firm

27:15

.

27:15

There you go yeah .

27:17

And then body language . What about body language

27:19

? What do you think is good about being showing

27:21

assertiveness through body language ?

27:23

I mean , don't have like your arms crossed because

27:26

it kind of shows . You're closed off yeah um

27:29

like I said eye contact , eye contact eye

27:31

contact right so keeping

27:33

um .

27:33

You know , don't be making faces

27:35

firm handshakes , stuff like that . I'm bad at that

27:37

. I make faces oh yeah don't

27:40

you notice ? Sometimes I go through periods

27:42

um yeah

27:45

, so yeah , hands to

27:47

your side or in your pocket . You know , keep your body

27:49

open .

27:49

Yeah , firm , handshake , all that stuff

27:52

.

27:52

Keep upright position , don't ? No

27:55

, there's nothing assertive about someone hunching over

27:57

and looking at the floor when they're trying to have a conversation

27:59

with somebody .

28:00

Yeah .

28:00

There's nothing assertive about that , not at all . So

28:03

. So

28:08

, anyway , I'm realizing that we have gone almost to 30

28:11

minutes here , and I know we like to keep it a little bit shorter for our

28:13

audience . So anything else that you want to add ?

28:15

I think you covered it all .

28:17

Just a couple of things just to add . I mean , if you

28:19

can just practice being assertive , it is

28:21

going to change your world . It will change your life . No

28:23

, it's not going to happen overnight and

28:26

it's going to take practice , but you can do

28:28

it . Anybody can do world . It will change your life . No , it's not going to happen overnight

28:31

and it's going to take practice , but you can do it , anybody can do it . It's a skill that

28:33

we should all learn . There you go , and it'll build confidence in

28:35

yourself . It'll build your self-esteem , it

28:37

will help your relationships

28:39

, your jobs are going to be more amazing . It'll

28:43

just help you be better with people overall . And guess what ? We all have people

28:45

in our lives . There , you go yeah , so

28:48

anyway .

28:49

All right .

28:49

So I guess what would be a good action

28:51

, call to action for everyone to

28:54

take away , to start applying

28:58

their assertive abilities or

29:00

their assertive self , I guess speak

29:02

out on the little things , if anything bothers

29:05

you . Or practice saying no .

29:07

Yeah , like maybe you have a tight

29:09

schedule , one day and someone has to pick you

29:11

up or something like that , and it's going to like really

29:13

really have to like stress you out

29:15

or time crunch your schedule for you

29:17

know to get picked up or something like that , and

29:20

just say , yeah , I wish I could , but I can't today

29:22

because I have this and this . Yeah

29:24

, perfect , yeah , you can just speak up and stuff like that

29:26

.

29:26

So yeah , saying no , um

29:29

, practicing just using

29:31

I statements in general , that would be a great

29:33

way to start .

29:34

That's how I started , yeah .

29:35

You know , I just would say my I statements

29:38

in anything , because you can do that . Um

29:41

so just you know and and assess yourself

29:43

, get a sense about , like , am I one that doesn't

29:46

share their opinion ? Do I think my opinion doesn't matter

29:48

? You know , figure out who you are

29:50

inside and all those thoughts that go

29:52

on in your head .

29:53

Right .

29:54

And so start with that and then find

29:57

a way to start working on um

29:59

your those little issues

30:01

, um one by one

30:03

.

30:03

There you go yeah .

30:04

Yeah , so

30:07

anyway , I think that is our show

30:09

for today .

30:10

I think so alright . Thank you Jesus for

30:12

this episode .

30:13

It was fun and remember

30:15

you are not alone .