Episode Transcript
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0:00
Hello and welcome to another episode of
0:02
the you Are Not Alone podcast . I'm
0:05
your co-host , debbie Gold , and I'm here
0:07
with my co-host and son , greg
0:10
, and we're so glad that you're here . Each
0:12
week on this show , we will talk about
0:14
issues that matter most to you , and
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it is our wish that you will find hope
0:19
, encouragement and a little bit of
0:21
Jesus in every show . Again
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, we're so glad that you're here and thanks for listening
0:25
. Hello
0:31
, welcome to our show
0:33
today . Yeah , we're
0:36
excited to be here . We're going to be talking
0:38
about assertiveness and
0:40
being able to say no to people
0:42
. Last week we talked about self-esteem
0:45
and this sort of is a piggyback
0:48
A carry-on . A carry-on or a piggyback
0:50
onto that ?
0:53
It was funny . You were discussing
0:55
the topics of this podcast and you were
0:57
like , what about assertiveness
0:59
? And I was like , oh sure
1:01
, but inside my head I was like , what is that
1:03
? And so I was like , honestly , mom ?
1:04
But inside my head I was like what is that you know ? And so I was like honestly
1:06
mom what is assertiveness ?
1:08
And then I Googled it or you told me
1:10
what it was and I was like oh , I know how to do that
1:13
, you know . So I did it without knowing what it was
1:15
basically .
1:15
Right , it's such a good topic
1:18
though . Yeah , for sure
1:20
. It's a skill that we all need to have
1:22
, Right yeah , because communication runs
1:24
the world .
1:25
So I googled it just
1:27
for like a little you know heads
1:29
up on this episode and it said being
1:32
assertive means that it's communicating
1:34
with others in a direct or honest manner
1:36
without intentionally hurting anyone's feelings
1:38
.
1:40
Isn't that awesome . Yeah , I
1:42
like that is so simple .
1:44
It sums it up perfectly .
1:45
And how often do we get
1:47
like , oh , I'm not going to say
1:50
anything because I don't
1:52
want to rock the boat . Or
1:55
you have something happen over and
1:57
over again and then you just start
1:59
yelling at somebody because you
2:03
didn't get it across yes , or you didn't
2:05
speak up . Yes , and so I
2:07
think
2:09
it's definitely a good topic
2:12
and something that we could , all you
2:15
know . I'm just reminded I love doing these podcasts
2:17
because I get reminded of some of the habits
2:19
that I need to break or that I've gotten into
2:22
, or some you know , we all make mistakes right
2:24
, we're sinners .
2:25
You work on your traits as you . You know
2:27
we all make mistakes .
2:27
Right , we're sinners , but you work on your traits , as you you
2:30
know , talk about and discuss them . And so , as I was thinking about assertiveness
2:32
and I was being reminded of when I first
2:34
was in my internship , after
2:36
I had my master's degree
2:39
and I was working , I did a group
2:41
with women on how to be assertive .
2:43
Oh yeah .
2:43
Yeah , I used to work with women that were
2:46
.
2:46
Tell me about it .
2:47
Well , they were women that were
2:49
in usually hard
2:51
situations you know abusive relationships
2:54
or
2:56
single moms and
2:58
so we would talk about being assertive , being
3:01
aggressive and the difference between
3:03
those two . And then the difference between
3:05
being passive , aggressive which is
3:07
a whole nother .
3:08
I hate passive aggressive . Yeah , keep going about
3:11
that .
3:11
So , yeah , I mean , there's just the different levels . So
3:14
where we want to get to is a place of being just
3:16
assertive , being able to express our needs in
3:19
a very respectful way and
3:22
without hurting anyone's feelings Without hurting anyone's feelings without
3:24
hurting anyone's feelings . When was this class ? It
3:27
was just a small group , a therapy group that
3:29
I did okay yeah , cool how many
3:31
people were in that was well varied
3:33
. I did a series you do like a six-week
3:35
series .
3:36
Oh , okay , yeah , and they sit around in
3:38
a circle and it's
3:40
like a little intervention .
3:41
Right , I do the educational part where I teach
3:43
it , and then we talk about our issues .
3:44
Oh , so you taught it , yeah , okay . Yeah . So
3:47
you went over like you know different topics and stuff
3:49
like that Interesting , okay , and
3:51
they came from . You know different backgrounds or the people
3:53
, okay , cool .
3:54
Yeah , it was at a nonprofit agency
3:57
. Oh
4:07
, that's cool to 1995 there you go
4:10
that's when I worked there so long ago . Yeah , it was a big year . I got married
4:12
and we bought the house wow and
4:14
I was becoming a therapist big
4:16
, big year for you .
4:17
Big year , yeah , that's crazy anyways
4:20
.
4:20
so now that we kind of know what assertiveness
4:22
is , I think that
4:24
I recognize it so much
4:26
yeah .
4:27
It's so in high school , middle school
4:29
and college . Because , think about it , gossip
4:32
, gossip , gossip , gossip
4:34
. Right , that is the opposite of being assertive
4:37
, because , like I mean , assertive
4:39
is communicating with each other directly
4:41
or honestly . Gossip
4:43
is not that it's going behind each other's backs
4:45
, it's being sneaky and stuff like that
4:48
.
4:48
It's not talking to someone directly about something
4:50
that happened .
4:51
It ruins um relationships
4:53
and friendships my freshman year of high school
4:55
. You remember that little friend group I had with those girls
4:57
. Like nasty and toxic gosh
5:00
, they hated each other one week and
5:02
then the next week I'm going over to
5:04
her house . I was like I thought
5:06
you said you hated her . Well , that was
5:08
just because I said that , and I was like
5:10
you tell me that you hate her guts when I'm
5:13
driving in the car with you . Two
5:15
days later , you're at her house having a picnic
5:17
. I'm like what is going on here ?
5:23
So it was so toxic and I didn't know what was going on with each other .
5:24
Well , there you go . Nobody communicated honestly . Everyone
5:27
was just making up stories . They were gossiping
5:29
. Relationships were in the way . It was
5:31
just a mess .
5:32
Yeah , that's exactly . That's such
5:34
a good example . That's what will happen . And
5:36
also gossip , I just want to add , is
5:38
something
5:41
the Bible does not promote , not at all , but it's so childish
5:43
something the Bible does not promote , right Not at all , but it's so childish .
5:45
No , if you've got a problem with someone or like something , you
5:47
can just speak up . You know yeah . I
5:49
agree , I've heard a lot of people be like if you have a problem
5:51
with something say it , you know . There's
5:53
no point of hiding it , because then the problem's not going to
5:55
get resolved , right ?
5:56
And I think when you say things , eventually
5:59
people are going to come to know that you're that kind of person
6:01
.
6:01
That will say something that you can talk to right
6:04
and they're going to become , uh
6:07
, more okay with with you and who you
6:09
are and they'll be more open with dialoguing
6:11
with you yeah , I had a friend
6:13
in high school his name is david um
6:16
, he would just say anything or like he
6:18
was like almost the loud kid , but
6:20
he wasn't like disrespectful loud , like he
6:22
would say his opinion like on a . He
6:24
would laugh out loud oh my gosh
6:26
, that's funny . And then the whole class would be kind of
6:29
off to it . But then as the year
6:31
went by people started to love it
6:33
and he was so loud and
6:36
he just didn't have any confidence
6:38
issues and he would just
6:40
be loud , but he would be up front
6:42
and stuff like that . Everyone loved it
6:44
because they felt so comfortable . Sure , he's not going
6:46
to judge me because he doesn't care .
6:48
You know he's funny and goofy . They've come to know
6:50
. They came to know who he was His
6:52
character .
6:53
His character yeah , that's awesome
6:55
. I love that . Yeah , he was such a character
6:57
. So .
6:59
You know , I think , that we
7:01
deal with situations every day
7:04
of our lives where we can practice our being
7:06
assertive . We were mentioning
7:08
or talking , before we got on the show here , about
7:12
going to one of your professors or a teacher
7:14
with a question that you have
7:17
.
7:17
Right , so many people don't do it in college
7:19
. Yeah , so many people are like oh , the professors
7:22
are evil , they're gremlins and stuff like that
7:24
.
7:24
Those are evil , they're gremlins and stuff like that . Those are excuses .
7:26
No , those are excuses . But for larger schools
7:28
like A&M , tech or something like that , I can see
7:31
how kind of because some professors
7:33
might not be , you know , the most open or outgoing
7:35
but if you , if you make the
7:37
extra effort . Like my first
7:39
semester of high school or college
7:42
, I met my professor , dr Farwell
7:44
. It was for intro to business and
7:47
it was like four classes in
7:49
or something like that . I just finally went to him with a
7:51
question after class and he was like super
7:54
nice to where . I almost was
7:56
like surprised that he was so happy that I was asking
7:58
a question . I was like why is he so
8:00
happy that I'm asking a simple question ? I need
8:03
something I need help yeah um
8:05
, and then the second class . After
8:07
I asked him the question , he was like
8:09
why is he so happy that I'm ? Asking a simple question . I need something , I need help , yeah
8:11
. And then the second class after I asked him the question , he was like
8:13
yeah , you have a good day , man , something
8:15
like that . And I don't know what he said , but we clicked off a little conversation
8:17
no-transcript
8:27
. He was such a cool professor because we had
8:29
, you know , he was a . State Farm employee
8:31
as well , that's right . Yes , yeah , so he had his own
8:33
little State Farm firm and
8:36
it was like his first year of being a professor
8:38
and for the first time a teacher
8:40
kind of opened up up to me . He was like , oh
8:43
my gosh , greg . Um , I'm stressed as
8:45
hell because I'm managing my state farm firm
8:47
and then also I'm trying to teach a class and four
8:49
months ago I didn't know I was going to be teaching this
8:51
class when the uh university
8:53
reached out to me or something like that and
8:56
I was like , really I had no idea and he's
8:58
like yeah , I had to help one of one of
9:00
the uh co-workers had to print some of the
9:02
slide shows for the coursework
9:05
and stuff like that . I had to research
9:07
late at night . You know how do I ? You know , da , da
9:09
, da , da da . He's like how do you think I'm
9:11
doing ?
9:12
Oh my gosh . I was like you're doing great
9:15
. That is so good . I love your class .
9:17
I enjoy your class . He's like , really , yeah , I'm
9:19
like , no , you're doing a great job as a professor
9:22
. You're a lot better than most of my high school teachers
9:24
and stuff like that . So it was cool because I could
9:26
.
9:26
I hope they're not listening yeah
9:28
.
9:30
That'd be funny , reaches out to me . I'm
9:34
sure he'd love it
9:36
. But
9:40
yeah , it was so cool because he came to me for help and advice
9:42
almost , and I was like this guy's a professor and he's
9:44
asking me for advice .
9:45
You know , super cool . That's another thing about being a . We have to remember
9:47
that we all are human and we
9:49
all have needs .
9:50
Yeah , you can view your professor as a human . He's
9:52
not just a professor . He's also a human
9:54
that goes home and has a family and a wife he wants to
9:56
be happy .
9:57
He wants to do a good job . He's like everybody
9:59
else . Right , even though they're looked
10:01
at on more of a hierarchy
10:04
above you . But yeah
10:06
, and you also talked about like maybe
10:09
being in a larger university and
10:12
this can happen in small or large , but where
10:15
they're maybe not as personable or
10:17
they don't really get to know their students , whatever . But
10:22
you know , maybe they act like they don't have time for
10:24
you or they kind of
10:26
blow you off or whatever , but
10:29
you have to be prepared for some of those kind
10:31
of situations as well . Absolutely , you know
10:34
professors they're busy ass people .
10:35
Yeah , they don't have
10:37
time for some things , or ?
10:39
maybe it's not a good day for them , right you ?
10:40
caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a bad answer . Right , shoot them an email . You have
10:43
to for them , right ? You caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a bad answer , right ?
10:44
uh , shoot them an email you have to be , yeah
10:47
, you have to be able to
10:49
know that you may not always get
10:51
that warm fuzzy right , yeah , exactly
10:53
but you , you know , most likely you will , but not
10:55
always yeah , and so you have to just put
10:57
your armor on and be
10:59
okay with that yeah , it
11:02
sucks , but sucks .
11:03
but yeah , go to plan B , there you go .
11:06
Um , okay , so when we're being assertive
11:08
, there's something called the three
11:11
C's of assertiveness . Um
11:14
, to
11:16
be confident when you're talking
11:18
, make sure your message is real clear and
11:21
be really controlled and speak in a very
11:23
calm and controlled manner .
11:25
Yeah , I've .
11:25
I've heard um people
11:27
say that if you speak slower , it makes
11:29
you sound more confident because , it
11:33
makes you sound like you know what you're talking about more
11:35
, and you know what you're going to say yeah
11:37
and you see more calm about the subject I
11:39
think when you talk fast , it there's
11:42
like this underlying sense that there may be
11:44
some anxiety there yeah
11:46
I'm really nervous about this you
11:49
know that kind of something like that . Yeah , I'm
11:51
not sure about what I'm talking about or you
11:53
know any of that yeah , um um
11:56
, so
12:00
what are the obstacles to
12:03
being assertive ? I think I want to kind
12:05
of hit on that a little bit .
12:06
Feelings .
12:08
Feelings like you don't know what you're feeling .
12:10
No , you don't want to hurt their feelings .
12:13
Oh well , you can't manage anyone else's
12:15
feelings .
12:16
Let's get that set down so
12:18
whatever someone else feels from
12:20
a conversation that's their stuff
12:22
. But for topics it can differ
12:24
too . You know , if it's a sensitive topic and you
12:27
don't want to hurt somebody's feelings
12:29
, it might be hard to come across that
12:31
way .
12:33
Yeah , but I also think like
12:35
if you think
12:37
it might be a sensitive issue , you have to
12:39
be a little more sensitive and think more
12:42
about what you're going to say Right
12:44
, right , exactly .
12:45
Get clear on that that , yeah , you can't just , you know
12:47
, hop in , oh my god , jenny's sick , or something like
12:49
that , or something
12:51
worse .
12:52
But yeah , um
12:54
, I think another obstacle is you think that your , your
12:56
, your needs don't matter . Oh , it's
12:59
okay I'll be fine , don't worry about
13:01
me , those kind of things . Yeah , or
13:07
another obstacle is you think you're going to get flustered
13:09
, because you've done that before . It's like I tried this
13:11
once and I got flustered and it
13:14
didn't turn out . Well , you know , you've got to practice
13:16
what you're going to say . Yeah , you really have to . So
13:18
don't let what
13:21
you think the outcome might be .
13:23
Affect what you're going to do .
13:25
Stop you ? Yes , right , go ahead and
13:27
practice , practice , practice and I
13:29
would tell the ladies to do that over and over
13:31
. Write it down . Write down what you want to say
13:33
. Get a good idea in your head .
13:35
But also don't overthink it . Be confident , it's
13:37
you know , you can do this yeah .
13:40
Well , there is that and that's okay for some people but some people
13:42
do need to , you know . But
13:45
you're right , I like that .
13:46
So you know be confident . Yeah
13:48
, cause a lot of times you know if
13:50
you're going to say , let's say you're
13:53
practicing assertiveness to tell
13:55
someone something like , let's say , you
13:57
have to go talk to your neighbor downstairs or something
13:59
like that , but you have anxiety with doing that
14:01
right to your class . You teach assertiveness
14:04
or something like that , but , um
14:06
, you know you're still kind of
14:08
nervous or something like that . You know you can just practice
14:11
it and people tend to overthink
14:13
it and they eat themselves up with
14:15
it , you know . And so you can just
14:17
stand in front of the mirror and like practice what you're going
14:19
to say . Practice what you're going to say . Practice what you're going
14:21
to say . But if you overthink it , like it . Practice what
14:23
you're going to say , but if you overthink it , it hurts you kind of . So
14:26
just tell yourself that you're confident you
14:28
got this , because when you back yourself up like that
14:30
, it's helpful .
14:31
Right , I feel , and
14:33
I think more toward the end . Here we'll talk about
14:35
how do you be assertive , how
14:37
can you do that , and so that'll
14:39
help with some of that , I
14:43
think I want to put you on the spot here just a little
14:45
bit .
14:46
Oh yeah , yeah .
14:46
Okay , Um so , a
14:48
situation where you could be , um , not
14:51
real comfortable with and I'm not talking about
14:53
you in general , I'm just saying in general- or not
14:56
specifically you , but in general . What
14:59
about ? I mean , this is really an awkward thing
15:02
for a lot of young kids , young
15:04
Zen , you know Gen Z people . But
15:07
asking someone out on a date right
15:09
.
15:09
There you go .
15:10
So I mean , if you saw the pretty girl
15:12
at the coffee shop or you know
15:14
whatever , what , how , how
15:16
do you think you really wanted to like ? Do
15:19
you ? Do you have a sense about how
15:21
you might handle that ?
15:22
Yeah , so she's behind
15:24
the counter .
15:25
Sure she can be behind the counter , she can be doing
15:27
.
15:27
I've seen one at a coffee shop before , so you
15:29
just go up to her . Hey , I thought you were really cute
15:31
. I was wondering if I could get your number
15:33
or if you're free later , or something like
15:36
that .
15:36
Yeah .
15:37
And say it slow , say it slow .
15:39
Say it slow . Say it slow , hey , it's a little bit slow , I know right , and they're like
15:41
what ? Hey ?
15:41
my name is yeah , and I thought you were cute .
15:43
Oh , that's a great way to start . Hey , my name is Greg .
15:45
Yeah , and I thought you were cute , I noticed you and
15:47
was wondering if . Yeah , If
15:56
I could you know , ask for your number
15:58
or you know that are recently done
16:00
. Compliment those that's right see if their
16:02
toes toenails are done because girls they
16:05
like that when you compliment their toes um
16:08
see if they have a nice dress on
16:10
anything you can compliment just
16:12
there's always something you can say nice
16:14
about somebody and their appearance . Yeah , because once
16:16
you get a smile in , you're golden , there you go
16:18
but um what I heard you do
16:21
was using I statements .
16:23
You know , like you know , I noticed
16:25
you back here working and I was
16:27
wondering if I could get your phone number
16:29
.
16:30
I'd love to go have some coffee , make him blush a little bit
16:32
yeah , yeah . Then
16:34
you're in , so anyway .
16:36
Okay , so that's , that's good .
16:38
Yeah .
16:39
I think also like during
16:41
job interviews or when we're sort of this
16:43
you know we already talked about
16:45
that being this sort of the superior person
16:47
.
16:50
Oh , job interview one's a really good thing
16:52
to do too , because at the end of every
16:54
single job interview I've been to
16:56
, they always ask you , do you have any questions
16:58
for us about the job ? And I used
17:00
to say no , and dad was like no
17:02
, no , no , no , no You're doing everything wrong okay
17:05
so you want to ask them questions .
17:06
That's right . Dad is a . You know he does executive
17:09
recruiting and recruiting for high-tech companies
17:11
. Right to get employees
17:13
in open positions at companies
17:15
.
17:16
So he's very very
17:18
good at interviews interviews 24 7
17:20
. He interviews people all the time over the
17:22
phone , stuff like that , yeah right so he
17:24
was like greg , you're doing
17:26
this wrong here , you want it and you want
17:28
to know golden question , that'll help your interview
17:30
, uh , and I was like sure , and
17:33
he goes okay . So when they ask you , you
17:35
know , do you have any questions for us ? Either
17:37
, if there's one person in the interview or two people
17:39
in the interview , go to them . What
17:42
is your favorite part about working here ? And
17:44
you know , eye contact , direct , you know
17:46
, and then they'll have to , you know , have a personal
17:49
experience and stuff like that . And if it's a
17:51
personal experience , maybe you can relate that
17:53
way , build a little deeper relationship
17:55
there and then if you have any other concerns
17:57
or questions that that , even
17:59
that are small or big , ask them
18:01
, because they're there for your questions . That's why
18:03
they asked you know , do you have anything else we
18:05
can help with ?
18:06
So I love the one . I
18:09
know that young people are afraid
18:11
to ask well , what's the starting pay
18:14
? Yeah , it seems like you and your brother
18:16
avoid that whole question . I've talked to other parents about
18:18
it . I hate to ask
18:21
. So here's another way you can say
18:23
you can say so I'm curious what the starting
18:25
pay for me would be .
18:26
Right , exactly .
18:27
So I'm curious , you know .
18:28
I statement yeah , right .
18:29
Now what is the starting pay ?
18:31
Yeah , I'm curious to know what the starting pay is going to
18:33
be for this position .
18:35
For this position . Yeah , so
18:37
very fair question .
18:38
No , absolutely yeah . So it doesn't hurt to
18:40
ask too , because you just want to get informed
18:42
, you know , of why
18:44
you're working there .
18:46
Yeah , yeah , is
18:48
this going to fit for me .
18:49
Is this going to work for me ? Is this a good paying job
18:51
for me ?
19:08
You need to know what you're going to get paid , because you may want to buy a car
19:10
or something and you've got to save up . And how do you , how do you do that right ? So I think
19:12
the first thing that you need to do is really kind of look at your style , like
19:14
really assess yourself . So
19:17
does you
19:19
know , um , do you like to express
19:21
your opinions or do you kind of keep quiet about those
19:24
? Right ? Do you like to
19:26
say yes
19:29
when you really need to say no because
19:31
your schedule is so full right now ? Right ? yeah
19:33
, like if someone asks you to do something for them .
19:35
I hate doing that . I don't know why I do that . I
19:37
always , you know , are you free right now ? Yeah , yeah , yeah , because
19:40
I want to be nice to them , or something like that . But
19:45
are you free right now ? Yeah , yeah , cause I want to be nice to them , or something like that . But then I'm like mentally or physically exhausted and I just got done with something
19:47
and I'm like inside .
19:47
I know you did that for me . I know you go out
19:49
and you do your job and you work and you do your college
19:52
and then , like when you're home this summer
19:54
and I know you've been out doing your landscaping
19:56
business and which I'm really
19:58
proud of you for- You're
20:04
doing a really great job . We got another client as well
20:07
, nice , yeah , so wait to hear . Yeah , um , anyway . But and then I go , you know , you come
20:09
home and I'm like , can you help me move
20:11
this thing over here , can
20:13
you help me with that ? And I know you probably just want to get
20:15
in the shower and you
20:17
know , but that's another thing you could say too . It's like , hey
20:20
, mom , I want to help you and I will . I let
20:22
me get in the shower first . I really need to take
20:24
a shower yeah so there's , you
20:26
know , you can meet your needs before all
20:29
right , jumping on my stuff .
20:30
I see it as mama first , then
20:32
me second .
20:32
Well don't yeah , you got to put your
20:35
needs first , it's okay , I mean , I appreciate
20:37
that .
20:37
Yeah , I always want to help you , I know you do well .
20:39
You're so sweet , but you always want
20:41
to help everybody too . Yeah , you're very , very
20:44
there for people yeah , that's another thing . It's
20:46
like saying no without feeling guilty it's
20:48
another thing of exactly being a surter yeah
20:51
, so so , and I used to feel that way , like
20:53
if you don't even have the time for something .
20:55
Yo , do you want to come over to my house later ? We watch a
20:57
game or we watch , you know , a tv
20:59
show or something like that . No , I can't , because
21:01
I have dinner or something like that , with my family .
21:04
Yeah , I
21:06
would love to do that , but I've already got plans
21:08
.
21:08
It sucks saying no , but if you can't
21:10
make it , you can't make it .
21:12
Yeah , and people understand that . You have to remember
21:14
that , right , yeah .
21:17
Stuff comes up and different things like that .
21:19
So anyway , kind of looking at what are your tendencies
21:22
, are
21:29
you
21:31
afraid to talk to people that are superior to you , you
21:33
know , just really looking at yourself , kind of taking a deep dive into how do I
21:35
respond and how do I act in situations
21:38
when I'm around other people . Do I put myself at a compromise
21:41
or Um , or do I put
21:43
myself first ?
21:44
Right .
21:44
And you know that I think that's really important to
21:46
do . But again , then
21:48
we talked about I statements um
21:51
earlier , and so
21:53
I I think I asked you um
21:56
, what would you do if you went to McDonald's
21:58
and you got an order um
22:02
and your order ? You received
22:04
your order and it was like totally messed up , totally
22:06
not even anything that you ordered . Okay , so it's not
22:08
even close , yeah .
22:10
Let's say you get a quarter pounder with fries and I get a
22:12
Filet-O-Fish with brownie . Let's
22:16
say drive-thru or
22:18
drive-thru .
22:18
Sure , you can take drive-thru .
22:20
I mostly do drive-thru . So
22:24
let's say I pull up at the drive spot because I'm , or the parking spot
22:26
because I'm gonna eat in my car , because I'm weird , and
22:29
then I'm gonna open the bag . I do that too , and
22:31
then I'm gonna be happy because I get a quarter pounder
22:33
and stuff , and then I'm gonna be upset
22:35
because I don't get my food . So I'm gonna
22:37
pull around . I'm either gonna go , I'm
22:40
probably just gonna go inside , cause I don't want to wait
22:42
in a drive-thru line cause that's going to take forever
22:44
.
22:44
Yeah .
22:44
I'll just wait at the line and it'll be like excuse me
22:47
, yeah , I just ordered this through the drive-thru
22:49
and I noticed after looking at it that , um
22:51
, this isn't my order , and things like that . Um
22:53
, so I was wondering if I could get this changed out
22:56
or corrected .
22:56
That is so perfect . Oh my gosh .
22:58
The .
22:59
I statements in there were amazing .
23:00
Oh yeah , yeah , I didn't even notice Like I
23:02
ordered this .
23:03
I ordered so-and-so . Whatever , this
23:06
isn't what I ordered
23:08
. I forget what y'all said , but
23:10
you know , could I get
23:12
a ?
23:13
Mm-hmm , can I get a ?
23:16
A quarter pounder with cheese , what I really ordered Exactly
23:18
. Yeah , yeah , so
23:21
, anyway , yeah , perfect . Yeah
23:25
, yeah , um , so anyway , yeah , perfect instead of . You know , some people get really angry and
23:27
I get it . You know people have bad days . Y'all messed up . You messed up my order like
23:29
it's like you , you , you , pointing , pointing
23:32
, pointing the blame . I've seen like public freak outs
23:34
online and stuff like y'all can't even get my burger
23:36
right , and stuff like that . Well , I've seen him in person
23:38
yeah , I know um
23:42
, anyway , and I think um , so that's
23:44
using I statements versus you and
23:46
you know that's really coming from a place of blame
23:48
when you say you yeah and
23:50
so always try to reframe it what
23:53
it is . It's distracting the blame , so
23:55
yeah , yeah , it's what's putting it on something
23:57
taking the blame off you and putting it on someone
24:00
else yeah , well , there's , and it shouldn't be a blame
24:02
, it just should be like this this is that's
24:04
the point , is okay
24:06
, so there's no blame . And so I was at the gym the other
24:08
day and , um , I
24:11
had signed chase up for gym membership and
24:13
it's a once a month fee right . It's
24:15
so much a month $30 , whatever and
24:18
they billed me on the first and then on the 15th
24:20
I got another charge . And so when I
24:22
went into the gym , um
24:25
yesterday , the day before yesterday , and
24:27
um I said
24:29
to the owner I go , hey , I
24:31
got charged twice this month . I go I mean
24:34
, I've been here forever , I know that it's a once a month
24:36
fee , I don't know what's going on . He looked
24:38
at it and he goes uh , who set this up
24:40
? And I said , well , so-and-so , and
24:42
um , he goes
24:44
, well , he didn't do it right . And I go , he's charging
24:47
you . He puts you as bi , bi-monthly
24:49
, so he's going to get billed or bi-weekly
24:51
is it . So you get billed every two
24:53
weeks for the one , the fee . That's . So
24:56
basically , I'm getting billed twice yeah
24:58
. And um . So when I went
25:00
to go , um , I walked
25:02
over to the guys later after I got done working out
25:05
and the
25:07
gentleman that set me up , he goes
25:09
. I am so sorry . He said I I
25:11
messed this up and he
25:13
was very apologetic and I go , hey man
25:15
, I go . You were really busy that day
25:17
. You were trying to work me in and get
25:19
my son signed up and I had
25:21
two of you . I signed you up for the summer membership
25:24
and I right , yeah , and I go . And you were
25:26
trying to work with a client . Work with
25:28
a yeah and while he was doing his reps , you were trying to help
25:30
me and get me going . I mean , you were crazy that
25:32
day Multitasking and everything .
25:33
I go , I totally get it yeah , and so Well
25:45
that's nice way to
25:47
start a conversation about something
25:49
, yeah , exactly .
25:51
So anyway , those I statements are so important . And
25:53
just taking some ownership .
25:55
Yeah .
25:56
Another thing I think that you can do when you're learning
25:58
how to be assertive is you know practicing what you
26:00
want to say . You know . For you maybe that isn't
26:03
so important , maybe you're better off the cuff
26:05
, but you know .
26:05
For you maybe that isn't so important , maybe
26:07
you're better off the cuff , but if you really need to write it
26:10
out , that was the thing about my buddy in high school , david
26:12
. He would debate you on almost anything
26:14
, and I mean anything To where the debates
26:17
would get so funny at the lunch tables Everyone
26:19
would chime in no
26:21
, the Roman Coliseum . No , no , no , no , no . Did
26:24
you know that ? And it would be about anything so anyone
26:26
could get like interested in it . And
26:28
he was so dang strong about
26:30
his opinion like he would scream oh , his
26:33
opinion and stuff . It was so funny too
26:35
, like he'd make a little show out of it , yeah um
26:38
, and it was so funny . So because
26:40
he expressed , you know , what he liked , what he what
26:42
he thought was right , his opinions and stuff
26:44
like that and just he was being funny
26:47
while doing it , so everyone got a kick out
26:49
of it .
26:49
Yeah , and there's nothing wrong with expressing your
26:51
opinion , as long as you're not imposing on
26:53
somebody else .
26:54
Yeah .
26:56
Keep your emotions in check . That's a really big thing
26:58
. It's real easy to get thrown off
27:00
or get frustrated or get angry or those
27:04
kind of things . But try to remain calm . That's really
27:06
, really important . And
27:09
keep your voice excuse
27:11
me , keep your voice even , and
27:13
you know just strong and firm
27:15
.
27:15
There you go yeah .
27:17
And then body language . What about body language
27:19
? What do you think is good about being showing
27:21
assertiveness through body language ?
27:23
I mean , don't have like your arms crossed because
27:26
it kind of shows . You're closed off yeah um
27:29
like I said eye contact , eye contact eye
27:31
contact right so keeping
27:33
um .
27:33
You know , don't be making faces
27:35
firm handshakes , stuff like that . I'm bad at that
27:37
. I make faces oh yeah don't
27:40
you notice ? Sometimes I go through periods
27:42
um yeah
27:45
, so yeah , hands to
27:47
your side or in your pocket . You know , keep your body
27:49
open .
27:49
Yeah , firm , handshake , all that stuff
27:52
.
27:52
Keep upright position , don't ? No
27:55
, there's nothing assertive about someone hunching over
27:57
and looking at the floor when they're trying to have a conversation
27:59
with somebody .
28:00
Yeah .
28:00
There's nothing assertive about that , not at all . So
28:03
. So
28:08
, anyway , I'm realizing that we have gone almost to 30
28:11
minutes here , and I know we like to keep it a little bit shorter for our
28:13
audience . So anything else that you want to add ?
28:15
I think you covered it all .
28:17
Just a couple of things just to add . I mean , if you
28:19
can just practice being assertive , it is
28:21
going to change your world . It will change your life . No
28:23
, it's not going to happen overnight and
28:26
it's going to take practice , but you can do
28:28
it . Anybody can do world . It will change your life . No , it's not going to happen overnight
28:31
and it's going to take practice , but you can do it , anybody can do it . It's a skill that
28:33
we should all learn . There you go , and it'll build confidence in
28:35
yourself . It'll build your self-esteem , it
28:37
will help your relationships
28:39
, your jobs are going to be more amazing . It'll
28:43
just help you be better with people overall . And guess what ? We all have people
28:45
in our lives . There , you go yeah , so
28:48
anyway .
28:49
All right .
28:49
So I guess what would be a good action
28:51
, call to action for everyone to
28:54
take away , to start applying
28:58
their assertive abilities or
29:00
their assertive self , I guess speak
29:02
out on the little things , if anything bothers
29:05
you . Or practice saying no .
29:07
Yeah , like maybe you have a tight
29:09
schedule , one day and someone has to pick you
29:11
up or something like that , and it's going to like really
29:13
really have to like stress you out
29:15
or time crunch your schedule for you
29:17
know to get picked up or something like that , and
29:20
just say , yeah , I wish I could , but I can't today
29:22
because I have this and this . Yeah
29:24
, perfect , yeah , you can just speak up and stuff like that
29:26
.
29:26
So yeah , saying no , um
29:29
, practicing just using
29:31
I statements in general , that would be a great
29:33
way to start .
29:34
That's how I started , yeah .
29:35
You know , I just would say my I statements
29:38
in anything , because you can do that . Um
29:41
so just you know and and assess yourself
29:43
, get a sense about , like , am I one that doesn't
29:46
share their opinion ? Do I think my opinion doesn't matter
29:48
? You know , figure out who you are
29:50
inside and all those thoughts that go
29:52
on in your head .
29:53
Right .
29:54
And so start with that and then find
29:57
a way to start working on um
29:59
your those little issues
30:01
, um one by one
30:03
.
30:03
There you go yeah .
30:04
Yeah , so
30:07
anyway , I think that is our show
30:09
for today .
30:10
I think so alright . Thank you Jesus for
30:12
this episode .
30:13
It was fun and remember
30:15
you are not alone .
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