What is self love?

I found this interesting, self love is the conscious decision to put oneself first, but in a commendable manner, NOT in a narcissistic manner. So then how could we tell the difference between an narcissist and someone who just loves themselves? Narcissism is framed by a victim mentality - where everything is happening to you. On the other hand, self love is ownership - where you are taking control of your life for the better

Self love looks like

• Saying no to junk food that you know doesn’t nourish your body

• Making time for your mental health

• Making time for exercise

• Taking time for yourself to look good (or presentable in he way you feel most confident)

  • Ex. Putting on makeup or planning your outfit.

• Taking time to manage your surroundings

  • Ex. cleaning the house or just lighting a candle or buying flowers

• Managing your financial health

For myself, this is why diet can have a bleed over effect into the rest of my life. When I’m working out everyday, I feel sexy, capable, confident and loved. When I’m eating well, I feel energetic and healthy. Put them together and I feel like the baddest women on the planet. It’s a winning combo, and as a result, I find myself showing up more for my work, prepared to conquer, or spending time with my boyfriend, in a more engaged way.

If there is ever any reason why we would not take ownership for ourselves and love ourselves, then it has to be because for some reason, it doesn’t feel good. So how could self love not feel good?

You may feel guilty. You may have negative thoughts that lead to guilt and anger tied to the idea of self love and putting yourself first. You may be seeing self love as selfish or even rude. We feel guilty about taking time for ourselves when there are many demands such as work, family or house work.

If you struggle with guilt related to putting yourself first, then you should seriously consider why?

• Are you afraid of what others may think?

• Has you seen someone who displayed self love be criticized?

• Have you been called selfish or narcissistic?

• Specific to diet - do you feel guilty rejecting someone’s food? Why?

  • Many people think it is rude

The truth about guilt: It’s an excuse. It keeps you trapped in the past, it allows you to avoid the present, it keeps you from growing and it affects your mental and physical health

I want to stay focused on health and wellness, so consider this - there are other ways that actual people will think about the same situation. Take for instance, the cupcakes brought in at work. Some people actually have the thought, “Why would you make cupcakes when I struggle with denying sugar? THAT is rude.” Other’s may have thoughts like, “Why do I have to eat your food to make you feel better?” or, “My health is more important than your ego.”

Consider if you had an illness and it was LIFE & DEATH (maybe for someone reading, it is). Would you feel guilty caring for your health then? Probably not. In fact your mindset would be shifted with thoughts focused intently on your health and well being, and as a result you would not feel guilt or consider yourself as being rude. You would be taking ownership of your health and future.

When we LACK self love, we seek approval. We want people to compliment us because it feels good, but this good feeling is not permanent. It is like a drug.

When we seek acceptance from others we put ourselves last, like in the example of the cupcakes being brought to work and feeling rude. Because of the lack of self love, you are afraid to be rude, and the people pleasing puts our health, your goals, and your best interests last. This is also the indicator that we have no self-esteem.

With all three of these, what we are truly seeking are these things from ourselves. We re looking for our own approval and acceptance, and we are looking to please ourselves. We are looking for ourselves to hold us to a high esteem.

Thought models that reflect self love, or the lack there of. will look like or sound like the following:

• Negative

  • I don’t like “x, y, or z.”

    • I don’t like my cellulite.

  • I should weigh less

  • I should eat less

  • I hate how “my legs jiggle, my tummy rolls, my cellulite dimples.”

  • If I looked like that, then I’d be happy.

    • This thought subconsciously says, “I’m unworthy of happiness.”

• Positive

  • I love “x, y, or z!”

    • I love my arms, I love my legs, I love my tummy!

  • I feel healthy.

  • I take care of myself.

  • I look good.

  • I’m so happy.

  • My body is perfect!

  • I love me!

The models will change, effortlessly just by embracing your body now and creating or developing new thoughts that you believe about your body. As I’ve mentioned before, how you think changes your actions. This is why the mindset is the most valuable part of weight loss!

Ex.

Lack self love - binge eating looks like

C - At a party while dieting

T - I’ve been good all week (because you are dieting to look good so you’ll be happy - all negative) = underlying bias of I’m unworthy

F - justified, but a twinge of guilt

A - Eat a cupcake

C/R - Ate the cupcake [the circumstance of the new model is also the result of the old.]

T - 1 more won’t hurt… I have been good all week

F - more guilt, longing

A - eat a cupcake

C/R - have had 2 cupcakes

T - I went overboard! Fuck it, Might as well keep going (masking feeling with false pleasure)

F - disappointed/indifferent

A - Eat another cupcake

R - Ate 3 cupcakes, Feel bad about it, and loop back into original self hate and why dieting in the first place

In this example, the thought, I’ll be happy when - assumes that you will be happy in the future, but not because you’ve lost weight, but because you’ve gained control. Once in control, you won’t feel this way because you’re in control and you would just eat a cupcake and enjoy it, instead of eating 3-4 then hating yourself.

I want to offer that control is a byproduct of self love. The desire to feel happy will be the result of stopping action of bad eating habits and visa versa. You can stop the action of bad eating habits by just loving yourself and being happy!

Here is another example, but from the perspective of someone who is healthy, fit, and doing it effortlessly:

With (practiced) Self Love & Acceptance

C - At a party

T - Yum cupcakes!

F - excited

A - eat a cupcake

R - ate 1 cupcake you enjoyed

To create this result, the first thing you MUST do is begin to embrace forgiveness. This is a powerful step towards self love. You can’t have self love and acceptance without forgiveness, because humans are flawed. Think of your children. They mess up and they do things they shouldn’t and you don’t stop loving them, or punish them forever. You forgive them and move on.

You must remember:

• No one is perfect = No perfect control

• Everyone has a bad day

• Everyone messes up plans

• Everyone eats the cupcake

  • Not everyone beats themselves up for it.

What is fascinating is, we start the diet to be happy, then are ruthless when we make a mistake like indulging in the cupcake.

• 1 cupcake doesn’t make you unhealthy

• 1 salad won’t make you healthy

Let yourself have desires. Even allow yourself to indulge in them. A diet is not forever, a lifestyle is, and what we are creating is a life style. As a result, you will eat a cupcake and to succeed, you will need to learn to forgive yourself. To forgive yourself, and learn self love and acceptance try and ask yourself, “what is important? What are your morals and values.” For example, if you could only pick one, would you rather be skinny or happy? You could also create an action plan - What did you think would happen, what actually happened, what can you do next time?

I want you to understand that what has happened is perfect and was meant to happen.  This is perfect for you. Because you have made it! The beauty of that is, you get to create the change you want, which is ultimately to be happy. You will be the most effective by creating forgiveness, and deciding to love and accept yourself now.