0:00

What's up guys ? I'm Myel and this

0:02

is the you Plus Me Boulevard

0:05

Show . Welcome

0:15

to the you Plus Me Boulevard Show

0:18

, the show where we explore the beautiful

0:20

, complex and sometimes messy world

0:22

of relationships . I'm your host

0:24

, myel , and each week we'll

0:27

be diving deep into the topics

0:29

that matter most to you , from finding

0:31

and maintaining healthy relationships

0:34

to navigating the ups and downs

0:36

of love , to dealing

0:38

with heartbreak and everything in between

0:40

. True conversations

0:42

with experts , real people sharing

0:44

their stories in my own personal

0:46

experience , will explore

0:49

the joys , challenges and lessons

0:51

of relationships . Whether you're

0:53

single , dating , engaged , married

0:55

or somewhere in between , this podcast

0:58

is for you . So grab a cup of

1:00

coffee , get comfortable and let's dive

1:02

into the world of relationships

1:04

. This

1:15

episode was

1:17

inspired by a

1:19

lady that actually made

1:21

a post on

1:23

Thread . If

1:25

you're not familiar with Thread , it's an

1:27

extension of Instagram . It's

1:30

one of the newest social

1:33

media platform Vibrant

1:36

right now , and it's growing

1:38

, and it's been growing for

1:40

the past couple of months now . Yeah

1:46

, so I saw this lady making a post

1:48

on Thread and

1:52

on her post she said that she's been

1:54

trying to find love

1:56

for the past seven years and

1:58

she goes

2:00

to about two three

2:03

dates a week . She's

2:05

been meeting people , but

2:07

nothing just seems to stick and

2:10

she's getting frustrated

2:12

, she's getting desperate , she's overreacting

2:15

over a lot of things . She just really

2:18

wants to meet a life partner . She wants

2:20

to meet somebody who

2:22

can show her that , that

2:25

who can love on her and

2:27

show her that part of life that

2:29

you can , you know , who can go through

2:31

the life journey with her . And at first

2:34

, when I read the

2:36

post , I was like , okay , one of those people you

2:38

know , I just really don't play the post . I

2:41

was like , okay , it's just another post of somebody

2:44

complaining about men not being

2:46

good enough and things like that . But I had to reread the post

2:48

one more time and

2:53

the first , the very first sentence

2:56

said she's looking for love but she's going on

2:58

dates . And

3:02

the thing that stuck

3:05

out to me was that very

3:07

first sentence basically means that

3:11

she's looking for mangoes on

3:14

an orange tree . Here's

3:17

why I say that , because the

3:19

reality is , a lot of times we and I used to do this too

3:21

we are

3:24

looking for one thing , but we are

3:26

looking for that one thing in

3:30

all the wrong places or in all the wrong ways . And

3:33

so a lot of times you hear people say I'm looking

3:36

for a husband , I'm looking for a wife , I'm

3:38

looking for love and all that . But

3:44

all they're doing is going

3:46

on dates and they're expecting to find love . Going on dates and don't

3:48

get me wrong , if

3:53

you go on dates , you might meet someone and you

3:55

might interact with someone who

3:58

actually stick out . But the reality

4:00

is like first of all , you have this expectation of finding

4:02

something specific while going

4:04

on date . That's number

4:07

one . Expectation really rules out

4:09

the result , because what's going to happen is

4:11

that you're going to find someone who actually stick

4:13

out . Expectation really rules

4:15

out the result , because what's going

4:17

to happen is when you go on a date expecting to

4:19

find love , when

4:22

the person in front of you actually turns out not

4:24

to be this amazing

4:27

match that you were

4:29

expecting , with all the

4:31

criteria that you were expecting , you

4:34

get disappointed and you

4:37

rule out all the other possibilities

4:39

that this person in front of you could turn

4:41

out to be . So a lot

4:43

of time we'll pass our opportunities just

4:46

because we went into the date with

4:48

a set of expectations . So

4:52

expectations are big deterrent to

4:55

the date itself . Now , the

4:57

other thing also is if

4:59

you're looking for love , that

5:01

means you're looking for somebody to love on

5:03

you . That means you're looking

5:05

for somebody who has a lot of love for

5:08

themselves . You cannot give

5:10

love if you don't have

5:12

enough to give . It's

5:15

like you cannot do charity

5:18

if you don't know what you're going to be eating

5:20

tomorrow . You cannot do charity

5:22

if you don't have

5:24

the money or the resources

5:27

available to share , to give

5:29

to other people . You can't give what you

5:31

don't have , and so

5:33

for someone to love on you , they

5:36

need to have plenty of it themselves

5:38

. They need to have a lot

5:40

of self-love for themselves . Their

5:42

cup needs to be full and overflowing

5:45

so that they will be able

5:47

to give out to other people . Now

5:50

, if you're expecting somebody's cup

5:52

to be overflowing so that they can give you some

5:54

, you best believe

5:56

yours needs to be overflowing too , because

5:59

no one is going to love you if you don't

6:01

love them back . People

6:03

love what loves them back . If

6:05

you want someone's cups to be overflowing

6:07

, you need your own cup

6:09

to be overflowing too . Only

6:12

people who can see you radiate

6:14

with love get

6:18

drawn to you because

6:20

they feel safe . They feel like

6:22

. Unfortunately , the

6:25

human being feels

6:28

like they don't

6:31

want to sacrifice their all

6:33

for something or somebody

6:35

who's not worth it , and what that

6:37

means is they want to get as much as

6:39

they give . Unfortunately , that's just the equation

6:41

that we

6:44

have in our head most of the time . So

6:47

while you're out there going on dates , meaning

6:49

all these people , if nothing sticks

6:51

out , you need to ask yourself number one

6:53

do I have enough

6:56

self-love ? Is my cup

6:58

overflowing ? Do

7:01

I have enough love for myself so I can share

7:03

? Do

7:10

I have enough self-image for

7:12

me to try

7:14

effortlessly

7:17

to be

7:19

as self-conscious as I am ? Because

7:21

ultimately , at the end

7:23

of the day , you only attract people like

7:25

yourself . If you're going

7:27

to trauma right now , you put yourself in

7:29

the dating world , you're going to attract a lot of people who

7:32

are going to trauma themselves

7:34

. If you are

7:36

struggling financially

7:38

right now , you

7:41

are going to attract a lot of people

7:44

who are also struggling

7:46

financially themselves . That's what makes

7:48

me laugh when I go on social media and

7:50

I see a lot of women talking

7:53

about they're expecting their rich husband

7:55

or the rich man , their wealthy man

7:57

. They're waiting for the wealthy man while

8:01

they don't have a job or they

8:03

just got fired , or they

8:05

make minimum wage , or they make

8:07

barely enough to become middle class and

8:10

you're expecting the rich man . Nothing wrong

8:12

with the expectation is where the expectation

8:15

is coming from . So

8:17

I strongly believe that you

8:19

cannot give something that you don't have

8:22

, and you will not . I tried

8:24

anybody that has what you don't have

8:26

. Why ? Because the equation is

8:28

not balanced . God means no mistakes

8:30

. You're not gonna be giving

8:32

anything that you don't deserve and

8:35

you're not gonna be giving anything that you don't

8:37

need . So the

8:40

result of that , that expectation

8:42

, when we're going out there looking for something

8:44

and looking for it in all the wrong places

8:46

, in all the wrong ways , is

8:48

that we get in

8:51

. Even when we land a relationship

8:53

, we get in that relationship

8:55

for the wrong reason , and

8:58

I've seen I've seen

9:00

it happen so many times

9:02

in other people's relationship

9:04

. I heard stories and

9:06

even my own life . I remember

9:09

dating people that

9:12

I look or sound like these

9:14

people were perfect matches with me

9:16

and I will get

9:19

into what I used

9:21

to think was a relationship

9:24

, but it was . It

9:27

was really a situation ship . I'll

9:29

get into situations with those people thinking I've

9:31

finally met my person

9:33

and then I end

9:35

up realizing that I

9:38

got this person for the wrong reason and

9:40

they probably did too , or they

9:43

got in for the right reason . But

9:45

there's no chance that you can match

9:47

with someone and realize you

9:49

got . You got with them for the right for

9:51

the wrong reason , and they certainly got with

9:53

you for the wrong reason . It's it's . It's

9:56

gotta be a balance somewhere . So once

9:58

you realize that you you've

10:01

got in a relationship with

10:04

someone for the wrong reason , you

10:07

will notice that the

10:10

intention that you had

10:12

did not match the

10:14

process that you adopted . And

10:17

so how do

10:19

you identify

10:22

a relationship that you got

10:24

into for the wrong reason

10:26

? There's a couple of questions

10:29

that I found out really

10:31

helped to identify relationship that is

10:34

not meant to be , a

10:36

relationship that you're not meant to be in

10:38

. Something you started that you should

10:40

have never started , someone you

10:42

met that to match with because

10:45

you were maybe desperate to find

10:47

love , maybe desperate to find

10:50

a companion , to find companionship , maybe

10:52

you were frustrated that you're frustrated

10:54

and lonely because everybody is

10:56

around you has a partner . You

10:59

want your own partner to . You got any

11:01

relationship for selfish reason . There's a

11:03

couple questions that I found that

11:05

can help easily identify such said

11:07

relationships and I would

11:09

like to share those questions with you

11:11

. It's about three to four

11:14

questions that you can ask yourself once

11:16

you are in a relationship

11:18

that kind

11:20

of is tilting

11:23

to the wrong side a little bit . You

11:25

know you decided to realize that , okay , I'm

11:28

not finding , I'm not , I'm

11:31

not , you know , idealistically

11:34

enjoying

11:37

this journey with this person anymore , I'm

11:39

not identifying

11:42

myself with this relationship anymore

11:44

and you kind of dislocating

11:47

your brain from theirs

11:49

, your mindset is not aligned

11:52

with this relationship anymore . There's

11:54

a there's , there are four questions

11:56

you can ask yourself to

11:59

make sure maybe you to make

12:01

sure whether you are overthinking it

12:03

or you are in the wrong relationship

12:05

. And we'll dive into that , those

12:08

four questions , right

12:11

after the break . So

12:27

four questions

12:30

you can ask yourself to

12:32

make sure that you're in the

12:34

relationship you're in for the right reason

12:37

. This only applies to romantic

12:39

relationships , because with

12:41

your friends the dynamic is very

12:43

different . Your friends are

12:45

very interest based . Sometimes

12:50

your friends can turn into romantic partners

12:52

. That means you've been friends

12:55

forever and eventually

12:58

you develop romantic feelings for

13:00

each other and maybe you fell in love

13:02

with each other and things like that . But

13:04

in general , friendships

13:07

is really very much interest based

13:09

, which can transition over

13:11

time into maybe

13:13

sharing the same kind of pain

13:16

, trauma , maybe sharing

13:18

the same kind of career

13:22

path and things like that . So

13:25

that's what those

13:27

are . And in a romantic case

13:29

, when you end up in a romantic relationship

13:32

and you're not too sure where this is going . Maybe

13:35

you're having a feeling that maybe you created

13:37

a situation you may not have

13:39

a solution for . Maybe you're feeling

13:41

like you're not with the right person and it's

13:43

tilting to the left a little bit . You

13:46

just wanted to make sure and

13:48

clarify for yourself that maybe

13:51

you're overthinking

13:53

it or there is something there to actually

13:55

explore

13:58

. Here are the four questions

14:00

. Number one fears

14:02

. Are you more

14:05

afraid of losing

14:07

them than losing

14:09

yourself ? Are

14:11

you more afraid of losing them

14:14

than losing yourself ? So

14:17

if the answer to that

14:20

question is yes , we

14:23

got a problem , because essentially

14:26

, losing yourself

14:28

in a relationship

14:30

should be more

14:33

of the

14:35

concern over

14:37

losing them . See

14:40

, I understand

14:42

it's tough to lose someone

14:44

, especially somebody that you know

14:46

you care for . It's really

14:48

tough . You don't want to lose somebody you

14:51

love with . You don't want to lose

14:53

a precious person , you

14:55

don't want to pathway with them , and

14:57

it's really tough to get

14:59

into that space . There's the heartache

15:02

, there's brain depression

15:04

, all of that . I've been there , I've done that . I

15:06

understand , but losing

15:09

yourself can cost you life

15:11

because , let's

15:13

say , somebody like me , for example , I

15:16

am very ambitious , I'm very

15:18

entrepreneurial , I

15:21

value a very strong

15:24

set of beliefs that have dictated

15:26

my life for the past

15:28

10 years and

15:31

in the course of those 10 years

15:33

, people that I have

15:35

dated or been in a serious

15:38

relationship with have

15:40

until now proven

15:43

not to be in alignment with

15:45

a lot of the things that I believe in

15:47

, not to say that I'm closed-minded

15:50

. You should not be closed-minded

15:52

. You should be pretty open-minded . But

15:54

there's a difference between being

15:56

open-minded and not

15:59

knowing who you are . And

16:01

if you know who you are , you know what you stand

16:03

for . You know the beliefs that

16:06

really shape your

16:08

life . You know the beliefs

16:10

that make you who you are . And when

16:12

someone comes in , they

16:14

are not . They

16:16

don't have to agree with all your beliefs

16:19

. Partner is not

16:21

one like your person , your lifelong

16:24

partner . It's not someone

16:27

who is supposed to be agreeing to all your

16:29

beliefs . It's someone who

16:31

knows your beliefs and still

16:33

loves you in spite

16:36

of the potential differences

16:38

between theirs and yours

16:40

. That's what

16:42

real love is . So

16:44

if you meet someone who is head

16:46

over heels for you , you

16:49

want to make sure they know what you

16:51

stand for and what you believe

16:53

in . They know your

16:55

vision for life and your goals

16:58

for life . If said

17:00

person feels like they

17:04

can come in and right

17:06

now is okay , but

17:09

they will try to change

17:11

you later . I think you want to stay

17:13

far away from that person , because

17:16

the only person who can change you is you

17:18

. If you don't

17:20

want to change , if you believe in God , let's say

17:22

you don't believe in God , and that's just you

17:24

. The only person

17:27

who is entitled to change you is

17:29

you . Only

17:31

you can decide one day Huh

17:34

, you know what ? Maybe

17:36

God does exist . Anybody

17:38

that comes in , whether

17:40

it is a romantic partner , your

17:43

own family , your

17:45

best friend none of those people

17:47

have the right to come in and change you , because

17:49

being a friend or a partner

17:52

a lifelong partner means

17:54

you appreciate

17:57

the differences between you

18:00

and the person and you're willing

18:02

to navigate it in a very mature

18:04

and emotional

18:07

, emotionally detached way

18:09

. Basically

18:11

, you're not going to get your pains crossed

18:14

in the process of the other person

18:16

just expressing their own beliefs and identity . You're

18:18

not going to get your feeling hurt . You're not

18:20

going to get both hurt or offended

18:22

when they're saying the things that they believe in . You're

18:26

going to take it with an open mind . You're going to appreciate

18:29

it . You're going to have a discussion around it , ask them why

18:31

they believe what they believe in and

18:34

express your gratitude for them having

18:36

the courage to express it to you , because

18:39

that may just be , that

18:41

may just ignore you . That could just ignore you

18:43

, right ? So if

18:45

you're more afraid of losing that person that

18:47

you are afraid of losing yourself

18:50

, there is a strong unbalance

18:52

there . There is a terrible

18:54

discrepancy between who you are and

18:58

who you want to be . Basically

19:01

, what that fear means is

19:03

you don't care who

19:05

you are . You care more about

19:07

having that person in your life than who

19:09

you are , which ultimately means

19:12

you will sacrifice everything

19:14

that's important for you and

19:16

to you for

19:19

them . I

19:24

don't think that that level of sacrifice

19:27

is necessary when you are with somebody

19:29

that you care for . I

19:37

think sacrifice just means to be able

19:39

to put away certain things that

19:41

are not livelihood related

19:44

for the person you care for

19:46

, so that you can tend to them , and

19:49

then you can revisit those things

19:51

together as a team

19:53

. So

19:55

again , number one are you more

19:57

afraid of losing them

19:59

than losing yourself ? Number

20:02

two what happens if

20:04

you don't get your ways ? I've

20:06

seen in a lot of relationships

20:09

or even situations , one

20:12

person gets super

20:14

offended when they

20:16

want one thing and

20:18

the other person wants something else

20:21

, and that starts

20:23

an argument which quickly , extremely

20:26

quickly , transition into a

20:29

full on

20:32

fight basically war

20:34

and they go at each

20:36

other like it was something so

20:39

big . I'm going to give you an example

20:41

. I had an

20:43

amazing Sunday . It

20:47

was a peaceful , chill

20:49

Sunday yesterday . What

20:52

made it very amazing was that I did

20:54

almost nothing other than just

20:56

casually perusing social

20:59

media , planning

21:02

the week on my phone , in

21:04

my notes , making a

21:06

schedule , planning tasks

21:08

, talking to my wife , just

21:11

peacefully sitting on the couch

21:13

, being a couch potato and enjoying

21:16

what I found to be one

21:19

of the most terrible TV shows on the planet

21:21

. But why

21:23

did I enjoy that with my wife ? Why

21:26

did I hate Isomarjan ? Yet I still enjoy

21:28

it with my wife , by the way

21:30

. She loved it . She watched

21:32

it the whole fucking day . So

21:35

why did I enjoy that with my wife ? It's

21:37

very simple Just

21:40

because you disagree with something , that's not

21:42

mean it must become

21:44

a topic or a subject

21:47

of war . You can disagree

21:49

with someone without fighting them

21:51

for it . You

21:54

can like we are not

21:56

the same . No

21:58

, two people are ever the same

22:01

. For every ten

22:03

things that you find similarities

22:05

between two people , there are

22:08

a hundred more that

22:10

are differences . You

22:13

might think that you met your person A

22:15

lot of time . You see couples like

22:17

oh , my high school sweetheart

22:19

, we are so similar , we've

22:22

done this together , blah , blah , blah . We've

22:24

graduated together and 10

22:26

, 20 years down the road they realized

22:29

that never knew this person in the first place

22:31

. It's because you

22:33

spend your entire life

22:35

with that person Just

22:38

disagreeing

22:40

, not seeing them for who

22:42

they are , but seeing them for who you wanted

22:45

them to be . Too

22:47

many times we only

22:49

focus on what we want someone

22:51

to be , but

22:53

we need to be focusing

22:55

on what the person actually

22:58

is . So what

23:01

happens when you don't get

23:03

your way ? Are you

23:05

on a war food

23:07

? Are you triggered by

23:10

them disagreeing with you ? Do

23:12

you want to go to Whole Foods today

23:14

and they don't want to go to Whole Foods ? Maybe

23:16

they want to go to Trader Joe's ? Do

23:18

you want to eat pasta tonight for dinner

23:21

and they want to eat potatoes

23:23

? Do

23:25

you want to have kids and they don't see

23:28

, people have a very

23:30

strong idea

23:33

at least they think they have an idea

23:35

of what they want , until they die . And

23:38

then you have to also realize people

23:40

change all the time , all the

23:42

time . So while

23:44

you're getting butthole that somebody may not

23:47

maybe the person you are getting into a relationship

23:49

right now you're thinking , oh , that

23:51

may be a deal breaker . They don't want kids

23:53

, they don't want to do this . I want to travel

23:55

. They don't like to travel . Blah , blah

23:57

, blah . You're doing all the stuff and

24:00

you're getting all offended about all

24:02

this little stuff . I'm

24:05

calling it little , I know it is important

24:07

for you , but you're getting offended

24:09

about those things . Tomorrow

24:13

they may change their mind , you don't know . Now

24:16

it's up to you to wait

24:18

and find out or to move on

24:20

. But you

24:22

should not be offended that this person

24:24

that you thought

24:27

was your person is

24:29

not your person Just because they have a

24:31

diverse views on several topics

24:33

with you . So what

24:36

happens when you don't

24:38

get your ways ? If that question

24:40

triggers

24:44

you ? If that question triggers you , we

24:47

have a problem . You are probably not

24:49

in the right relationship , or you

24:51

are probably not in the relationship

24:53

you are for the right reason . If

24:56

you are going to get emotionally

24:58

triggered every time someone disagrees

25:01

with you , you probably don't want to be in a relationship

25:03

in the first place . So

25:06

, number two what happens when you don't get your way ? Number

25:10

three are you there because

25:12

you're happy or are

25:14

you happy because you're there ? This

25:17

one is a very tricky one and

25:19

it is so important . A

25:22

lot of times , you hear people

25:24

and I'm sorry I'm going to come at

25:26

you women . I hear

25:29

more women saying

25:31

this than men . Yes

25:33

, there are some men who say that

25:35

, who have this

25:38

very concept

25:40

in mind all the time , but I

25:42

hear more women saying this next

25:45

thing that I'm about to say more

25:47

often than men do . And

25:49

here it is . I hear a lot of

25:51

times women say , oh

25:53

, he makes me so happy . And

25:56

that statement couldn't be any more wrong

25:58

, because no

26:00

one should be getting in a relationship to

26:03

be happy . It should be

26:05

happy . Therefore , getting in a relationship

26:07

, if you are there because

26:09

that person makes you happy , you might

26:11

want to re-evaluate what you're there for . You

26:15

might want to revisit the reason

26:17

you got into that relationship in the first

26:19

place , because you're supposed

26:21

to be collected , you're

26:23

supposed to be growing

26:26

, you're supposed to be working on yourself

26:29

, you're supposed to be not

26:31

perfect , but you're

26:34

supposed to be developing . You're

26:36

supposed to be happy . You cannot

26:38

make anybody happy if you're

26:41

not happy yourself . What

26:43

happens when two people come

26:45

together ? One is very happy and the other one

26:47

is not . It's a recipe for disaster

26:50

. You cannot expect

26:52

anyone to check all your boxes

26:54

, because no one can check all your

26:56

boxes . There's a reason you have

26:58

family , friends

27:01

and romantic partners are separate

27:03

. There's a woman . You can't date your

27:05

mother , your father . There's

27:07

a reason you can't date your cousins , your

27:10

nieces and nephews . You

27:12

can potentially possibly

27:15

sometimes date your friend

27:17

, you can fall in love with your friends , but

27:19

even your friends can't check all your boxes

27:21

. No one

27:24

individually can check all your boxes

27:26

, but people in different contexts

27:28

can check some of your boxes . Your

27:31

romantic partner will check some of your boxes

27:33

. Your family will check some . Your friends will

27:35

check some . Your neighbors will check some

27:37

. Your acquaintances will check some . The professors

27:39

will check some . Your coworkers

27:42

will check some of those boxes . Everybody

27:45

in some context of your life

27:47

, in some retrospect and aspect

27:50

of your life , will check some of your boxes

27:53

, but no one can check

27:55

all of them individually

27:58

by themselves . So

28:00

if you're thinking this

28:02

person makes me so happy , that's

28:04

a big red flag for you . You

28:06

might want to ask yourself

28:09

why , what

28:12

makes me so happy in this person ? And

28:14

when they're gone , am I still

28:17

going to be happy ? Because

28:19

if it is the person you weave that

28:21

makes you happy , if it is them

28:24

being there that makes you

28:26

happy when they're gone

28:28

, if they're gone , you're

28:30

not going to be happy , you're going to

28:32

be pretty miserable because your

28:36

source of happiness is gone . If

28:39

you put all your eggs

28:42

in the same basket , what

28:44

happens ? You take

28:46

a big risk . When the basket

28:49

is torn , the eggs are broken

28:51

. When you lose the basket , you

28:53

lose the eggs . So if

28:56

the source of your happiness

28:58

is the person you weave , you

29:01

may want to reconsider . I

29:03

strongly believe you

29:05

should be happy , at least somewhat

29:08

happy , before your entire relationship . You

29:10

shouldn't put all your , you

29:13

shouldn't put your sole source

29:15

of happiness in the person you weave . I

29:18

am not saying that this person should not

29:20

add to your happiness . That's what they should

29:22

be doing . Notice I said add to your happiness

29:24

, not give you happiness . The

29:26

person you weave should be adding to

29:29

your happiness , not giving

29:32

you happiness . You should

29:34

be somewhat happy to

29:37

a certain extent and

29:39

once you get into the relationship , this

29:42

person should be a positive addition

29:44

to your life which adds

29:47

to your happiness . So , number

29:49

three are you there because

29:51

you're happy or are you happy

29:54

because you're there ? You

29:56

should be there

29:59

because you're happy , not

30:02

happy because you're there . You

30:05

should make sure that you're

30:07

there because

30:10

your entire being is

30:12

an alignment . Your frequency

30:15

is an alignment with

30:17

happiness and that happiness draws

30:20

them to you . Your happiness

30:23

should radiate so bright

30:26

that people are drawn to you and

30:28

not the other way around . Your

30:30

desperation should not bring happiness . In

30:32

fact , your desperation cannot bring happy people to you

30:34

. You attract who you are and

30:37

you attract where you are in life . So

30:39

, number three are you there because

30:41

you're happy or are you happy because

30:43

you're there ? Number four is

30:49

the last but not the least . It's the biggest

30:52

, maybe

30:54

not the biggest , one of the biggest

30:56

questions that people overlook

30:59

the most . Yes

31:02

, the happiness part is so important

31:04

. Like I said , that involves

31:07

your likelihood , that involves your mental

31:09

health , that involves your security

31:11

, your safety . That involves

31:13

your self-image

31:15

, your self-love . That involves everything

31:17

in your livelihood . But the

31:20

fourth question , which

31:23

is are you a

31:25

team ? This

31:27

question here defines

31:29

everything . What is a team ? A

31:32

group of people that

31:35

works together to accomplish

31:38

a similar goal . Your

31:41

goals don't have to be 100%

31:43

the same . They have to be

31:45

somewhat similar . Do

31:48

you share

31:50

the same values ? I remember

31:52

I was asked this question . I

31:56

was asked this question . I think my mentor

31:58

asked me this question a couple of years

32:01

ago and I did not

32:03

understand it back then , until

32:05

I met my wife and

32:08

the question was in

32:13

moments where you are selfish you're most

32:15

selfish do you still find

32:18

values in

32:20

the people you claim your love ? In

32:24

the moments you are the most selfish , are

32:26

you still in alignment with the people

32:28

that are around you ? See

32:31

, this question applies so much into

32:33

the context I'm painting

32:36

here , because if you are a team

32:39

and you are a well-owned

32:42

machine

32:44

, you work well together

32:46

. You know each other's vision

32:49

for life . You know each other's

32:51

identity . You are well who

32:53

you are individually

32:55

and as a group . You are aware

32:57

of the team's vision as well . That

33:00

means , even in your most selfish , even

33:04

in your most selfish moments , you

33:06

are still in alignment with the person

33:08

that you're going through life with . I'll give

33:10

you an example . I remember a story

33:12

. It's a story told by Tom

33:14

Billio . Tom Billio is the founder

33:17

and CEO of the Quest brand

33:19

. I don't know if you guys eat

33:21

bars , if you're into protein

33:23

bars or bars in general . There's

33:27

a very famous brand

33:29

of bar called Quest . Tom Billio

33:31

is the founder and CEO of

33:34

the Billion Dollar Protein

33:36

Bar Quest and

33:38

he said one time he

33:41

said when he was building his entertainment

33:44

and media group he

33:47

owns a media group when he was building his

33:49

media group . He was hiring

33:51

a lot of young people . He did not care

33:53

whether they were educated , had

33:55

degrees or whatever . He

33:57

just wanted to source himself

34:00

with people who had a dream , a vision

34:02

that aligns with his own

34:05

, and so that

34:07

he hired

34:10

this young person that

34:12

is his , I think . If

34:14

I remember right , if

34:16

my memory serves right , I think this

34:19

young man was his social

34:22

media manager or something like that

34:25

, or content

34:27

creator , something like that . And he

34:29

said the guy . The young

34:31

man's vision , his goal

34:33

for life was to open his own media

34:35

company . But Tom's

34:39

vision has nothing to do with media

34:41

right . So in

34:44

his very selfish moment , he hired

34:46

somebody who has a totally different goal

34:49

than his own right . But

34:52

the reason he hired the young man is for

34:54

content creation . So

34:58

what do those two people align

35:00

? Tom wants

35:03

a person who's good

35:05

at content creation . The young man

35:07

happens to be good at content creation

35:09

. Tom hired him in

35:12

his own company to take care

35:14

of social media content and to

35:16

build a brand . The young

35:18

man got the job to make money , to

35:22

pay for school , to learn how to

35:24

build a media company . Don't

35:26

you see how those two align perfectly

35:28

? The young man is getting money

35:31

working in a company that's

35:33

growing to be a

35:36

huge brand

35:38

, marketing brand , but

35:40

he's making the money to

35:42

build , to

35:44

go to school to learn

35:47

skills of media . To build a media

35:49

company , tom needs somebody

35:51

who needs content creator . He

35:55

needs somebody who's into content creation . To

35:57

build a media company in the first place , he needs to be

35:59

good at content creation . So

36:01

in their very selfish moment the young

36:04

man is very selfish he just wants the money

36:06

. He doesn't care about the marketing company . He

36:08

could care less . He could have got a barista

36:11

job to make the money , it didn't matter

36:13

much . But he ended up in a

36:15

contest where not

36:18

only he's getting the money for

36:20

school so he can learn the skills that he

36:22

intended to learn in the first place , but

36:25

he happens to be working in

36:27

the capacity of

36:29

something that perfectly

36:32

ties into media

36:35

building

36:37

a media empire . So

36:39

in your selfish moment

36:42

, do you still align with

36:44

the people that you're surrounded by ? And

36:47

if you to the question

36:50

, are you a team ? Your

36:53

answers no , I

36:55

think . None of the other questions

36:57

, the first three questions , don't even matter

36:59

, because occasionally

37:01

what's going to happen is you

37:03

will end up in a situation where you

37:07

know you want to do certain things a

37:10

certain way , but you got

37:12

no support . Remember when I talked

37:15

about support previously on the first

37:17

question . You

37:20

want someone who

37:22

supports you . That person

37:24

does not need to be part of the goal

37:27

, but they got to support the

37:29

goal . If you are with someone

37:31

who's entirely

37:33

against you , you're not

37:35

going to be happy and you're not

37:38

going to be a team ever , because

37:40

you don't have an alignment

37:42

of vision . You're not

37:44

even . Your goals are not even similar . They are

37:46

totally against you . You are not

37:49

a team . There's no such thing as

37:51

being a team with totally different like

37:53

1000% different goals . Your

37:56

goals has to be in

37:58

somewhat alignment . You take

38:01

a football team . You take a soccer team . One

38:03

person in the team wants to be the best

38:06

striker in the world . The other

38:08

one wants to be the best defender , the

38:10

other one , another one wants to be the best winger

38:13

, a best goalkeeper and whatnot

38:15

. But all

38:17

of those people , in their intention

38:20

to be the best in their capacities

38:22

, come together as a team

38:24

to score

38:26

goals which make them

38:28

stand out in the eyes of

38:30

the world and get them in the ranking

38:33

that they want to be in . So

38:35

, in their selfish moment , to be

38:37

the best of whatever they want to be the

38:39

best of , they end up

38:41

realizing , accomplishing their

38:43

individual goals together

38:46

, making that team the best

38:48

A

38:51

team . When you end up

38:53

with a partner who Either

38:57

that does not support your goal

38:59

or is not part

39:02

of your goal , you may

39:04

want to evaluate what

39:08

you guys are doing together . Your

39:11

partner needs to be either part of your goal

39:13

or support your goal . I

39:15

remember my ex . She

39:18

wanted nothing to do with my goals

39:20

. She was not entrepreneurial

39:23

. I didn't care for it . I loved her regardless

39:26

. She not only didn't

39:28

want to , she was an entrepreneur , which

39:30

is cool , but

39:33

she was continuously putting me down

39:35

for my entrepreneurial endeavors

39:38

. So there was that

39:40

thing that I could do that

39:42

was satisfying to her

39:44

. In fact , she wanted me to abandon

39:46

a lot of things and

39:49

she wanted me to put a lot of things aside , just

39:51

because maybe those things were

39:53

not aligned with her vision

39:55

of life . I wanted

39:57

to go out and do XYZ

40:00

. I was a serial

40:03

. I still am . I'm a serial

40:05

entrepreneur . I like to try

40:07

a lot . I like to study

40:10

a lot . I like to read a lot . I like to

40:12

get involved in things and learn

40:14

how the world works and learn

40:17

how financial , learn about finances

40:19

and learn about religion

40:21

and spirituality . I like to

40:24

learn how the world spins

40:26

so I can build my own

40:28

space in it . I

40:32

want to learn how the world works

40:35

so I can build my empire

40:37

in it . I can make my own

40:40

place , I can rank myself

40:42

in it , I can be someone in it

40:44

. I want it to be somebody

40:46

Right . That's just the

40:48

essence of my entire identity

40:51

. My ex wanted nothing

40:53

to do with it . Not only she was totally

40:55

out of the goal , the vision

40:57

, who were not in alignment at all , she

41:00

also was 1,000 percent against

41:02

that vision . So obviously

41:05

we're not together anymore For

41:09

many reasons . That was one of the

41:11

reasons , but that

41:14

is one proof for me to

41:17

tell you that eventually

41:19

, when you find your person at least

41:21

when you find someone you think is your person

41:23

one of the biggest questions

41:25

out of the four questions I

41:27

just talked about should

41:30

be are you a team ? Are

41:32

you a well-off machine ? Are

41:35

you coordinating Right ? With

41:39

my wife right now , I

41:42

highly communicate

41:44

, I highly speak

41:46

out . I say when I don't

41:48

like something and I say

41:51

why I don't like it , and

41:54

she may still disagree

41:56

with it , but she doesn't

41:58

fight me over it . She may express

42:00

her own feelings about it and we

42:02

talk about it and we say you know what we

42:05

can actually do both . We can try

42:07

this and try that and then we can move on . Or

42:10

if she wants to bend , she bends

42:12

Sometimes , I bend A lot of times . I

42:14

bend A lot of times , she bends . See

42:16

, it's not that big of a deal . You can disagree

42:18

with each other without going to war with each other

42:21

. What I end up doing when I see

42:23

that maybe I offended my wife or

42:25

maybe I'm disagreeing

42:27

so strongly with her that she feels like

42:29

I'm actually crossing her , I'm

42:31

not validating her feelings , what I end

42:33

up doing is giving her a hug and say hey , you know

42:36

what , this is how I felt about what we were

42:38

talking about . But you know what ? It's totally fine

42:40

if you do it your way . It's not that

42:42

big of a deal . I'm not going to die if

42:45

tonight she wants to eat potatoes and

42:47

I don't , like I can eat potatoes today

42:49

and eat my pasta tomorrow . It's

42:53

not that big of a deal . She wants to go

42:55

to a Brazilian restaurant tonight . I

42:57

don't want Brazilian tonight , it's fine . If

43:00

she feels strong about it , it's totally fine . We

43:02

can go for Brazilian food tonight and

43:05

tomorrow I'll just order Chinese food , it's

43:07

totally fine . No

43:09

, she doesn't want to travel . It's totally fine

43:11

. I can travel without

43:13

my wife , it's totally okay . I

43:16

am big in anime . I'm

43:18

a voracious anime

43:20

fan . I love video

43:22

games . I love anime . My

43:24

wife loves video games Not

43:27

the same kind , but she loves

43:29

video games nonetheless . My

43:31

anime is not . She's

43:34

not big into anime like that . So

43:36

when I'm watching anime she's

43:39

not there . So

43:42

what happens in

43:44

that particular contest ? I'm

43:47

talking to her while I'm watching . If

43:49

she's maybe in the kitchen or

43:52

she's sitting there on her phone

43:54

, I can tell she's bored . I'm

43:56

talking to her making conversation

43:59

while I'm watching it . I'm asking her if

44:01

it's okay Before I even put it on . I ask her

44:03

is it okay if I watch my show right

44:05

now ? Or if it is a specific

44:07

movie I wanted to watch that she wasn't

44:09

aware of and maybe it's a sequel

44:11

to a movie that I watched previously ? And

44:14

I ask her I want to watch this movie

44:16

. I know you haven't watched the first part and

44:19

is it okay ? And she will say

44:22

sometimes you ask me are

44:25

you okay watching the first

44:27

part again with me ? And things like that

44:29

. It's all about communication

44:32

and I was not always strong in

44:35

that area . I

44:37

was not always strong in communication

44:39

. Before I had to

44:41

build on those things , I had to understand

44:44

. When you disagree with someone

44:46

, the first thing you got to remind yourself

44:48

is we are a team . That

44:52

brings you both back on the same

44:54

stage and

44:57

that sets the record straight . I'm

44:59

disagreeing with you , but I understand

45:02

where you're coming from , or

45:04

I want to understand where you're coming from

45:06

, because here , where I'm coming from , and

45:09

you exchange ideas on

45:11

the divergence of the point of view

45:14

and you let each other know . This

45:16

is why I feel the way I feel , but

45:18

yours also makes sense . So

45:21

we're not going to fight over it . We're

45:23

going to explore both if we can . If

45:25

not , we're going to explore the one

45:27

that we can explore the most optimally , and

45:31

so sometimes you may just fold

45:33

and let her do her thing , or

45:35

she may fold and let you do your

45:37

thing . There's things that don't need

45:39

to become the subject of

45:41

discord . So

45:44

the four questions that

45:46

you can ask yourself I've gone through

45:48

those questions as extensively

45:51

as I can and I don't want to keep yapping

45:53

. All right , number one are you

45:55

more afraid of losing them

45:58

your partner , or

46:01

are you more afraid of losing them than

46:04

losing yourself ? Number

46:07

two what happens if you don't get away ? Number

46:10

three are you there because you're happy or

46:12

are you happy because you're there ? And

46:15

number four are you a team ? So

46:20

I hope this episode clarified

46:22

. I hope this helps clarify

46:24

a little bit some of those miscommunications

46:27

, misunderstanding , maybe , some

46:30

of those cloudy concepts

46:32

in relationship . I

46:34

hope this makes you or

46:37

helps you understand a little bit more why

46:39

you go through some of the things that you go through

46:41

or why you see people going through some

46:43

of the things that they go through in their relationship

46:46

. Some people end up

46:48

working it out together because they

46:50

develop a sense of belonging and

46:52

they ask those questions , those

46:55

questions that I just talked about . They

46:57

ask themselves very deeply and analytically

47:00

and they get the answers

47:02

that are appropriate to those questions . We mix

47:04

them , actually go back to the relationship and

47:07

talk to the partner about some of those things and

47:09

some people just never see the end of it . Those

47:12

questions never end up having an answer

47:14

or end up having very negative answers

47:16

and that just tells

47:19

you that you are at the wrong place

47:21

at the wrong time or you are at the wrong

47:23

place period . So if

47:25

you feel like you're at the wrong place at the wrong time

47:27

or at the wrong place period . I

47:29

would say you got to re-evaluate why you

47:31

got there in the first place and if you

47:33

got there by mistake , better

47:36

move on . If you didn't get there by

47:38

mistake , you got there somewhere along the path

47:41

. You lost track of the

47:43

vision that you had before

47:45

getting there . You may want to redefine

47:47

that vision for yourself . Thank

47:49

you , that's

48:01

it for this episode of the you Plus Me

48:03

Boulevard Show . I hope you've enjoyed this

48:05

episode about how to find love

48:08

and make sure it is the right kind of love

48:10

. Remember , relationships

48:12

are complex and ever-changing , and

48:14

there is a one . There is no one-size-fits-all

48:18

solution , but by

48:20

staying curious , open-minded and

48:22

compassionate , we can all learn and

48:24

grow together . If you have any

48:26

questions , comments or

48:28

suggestions for future episodes

48:30

, please don't hesitate to reach

48:33

out to me . You can find me

48:35

at thelovedudecom

48:37

that's at th3luvdud3

48:42

at thelovedudecom . And of course

48:44

, you can always subscribe to the

48:47

you Plus Me Boulevard to stay up

48:49

to date on the latest episode . Also

48:52

, thank you for everybody that

48:54

support this podcast , this

48:57

show , any way

48:59

that you do , whether financially

49:01

or the feedbacks

49:03

that you send in . Everything that you do

49:05

for this show is greatly appreciated . We

49:07

love you all , and

49:10

so thank you for listening and

49:13

until next time , take care of yourselves and

49:15

each other . Bye-bye .