Ruth Yunker 

Author and Humorist

Ruth Yunker is an author, humorist and memoirist. She's been writing for thirty five years, and has published three books. Two about Paris, and surviving this beautiful but touchy city, traveling solo, staying in apartments, without a hotel at her back. "Me, Myself and Paris" and "Paris, I've Grown Accustomed to Your Ways". Her third book "Baby, I'm the Boss of Me, My Journey to Ageless" takes on aging with vibrant curiosity, personal power and a well-defined sense of humor, to ensure smooth sailing along this most daunting time in our lives. Ruth lives in Los Angeles, has two grown children whom she adores, is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen, and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips.

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www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Ruth Younker is an author, humorous and memoirist. She lives in Los Angeles has two grown children is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips. She has been writing for 35 years and has published three books including Baby on the boss of me my journey to Atlas. Welcome, Ruth.

Ruth

Hi, thank you for having me on.

Marlana

So, I really am looking forward to having this conversation with you because I think aging is a touchy topic when it comes to women because most of us, as we age almost feel like we have to shrink and become a little more invisible. We aren't in the bloom of youth anymore, opportunities seem to be less, all those kinds of things. And even the beauty industry has such an emphasis on being young, staying young, all these kinds of things. So, I know that you use the term agent by viciously so how do we embrace that as opposed to, you know, wallowing in the corner?

Ruth

Yeah, first of all, get out of the corner, and stop wallowing and you're not invisible you're making you're doing it to yourself. Now I know people say I feel less visible now, well darken your eyebrows, for one thing, that's a practical thing women give up on their eyebrows as they get older. And I'm serious about this. I taught this is my book, Baby I'm the boss of me. And one of my chapters in it is about when I discovered the day that my eyebrows had turned white on me, you know. And anyway, that's the as you can see. But it's I don't we are from the very beginning. Beginning given a bad rap. Now I was a teenager in the 60s. So, I hit the baby boomers burn your bra, you're over by the time you're 30 types of attitudes. But it was a crazy time, and it wasn't the first time that women rose up and, you know, did their speech. I mean, it's been going on for a long time. But I think it gets back to the whole don't buy into that, that you're less beautiful as you get older, actually in the modeling industry now there is a huge it's called the classic. And using older models, just as diversities come into that world and but it's up to you, you know, you can't this is not a time when somebody else is going to give you a hand when as one gets older. It's their path. It's my path. You know, it's like you're all alone when you're born and you're all alone when you die, no matter how many people around the bed. It's you taking that next step and the sooner and I think I don't think we're born vulnerable feeling I think it really does have to do about have to do with our looks and that aging part but that affects men as well. I have men friends and pen their pay slips you know, the bottom half never really taught. And I can keep the craggy brow, but you know it's and that starts you're preserving your look starts with keeping, healthy eating healthy,

exercising. The older you get, the more exercise you have to do. I'm sorry to say it but it's like I used to have six weeks grace period of kind of like just letting everything go. Now five days and forget it. I mean I walk I do yoga, I used to do ballet, I used to ride horses, I used to jog. I've been doing something since I was 15 years old. And in spite of those barbecue potato chips, I have a bag waiting up there for me, I just think the health part comes first that I mean yes, because I learned early that when I started jogging, that it got the serotonin or whatever that makes you more cheerful it ramped it up. Exercise can help you achieve a sense of calm and serenity that pills won't do. Or I mean not. Again, I'm not a doctor, I'm telling you it works for me. I'm about as pure as you can get. Unfortunately, I gave up drinking at the age of 50. And, for very good reasons. No one around me was sorry I gave up drinking let's just leave it at that. And that was a huge eye opener and just learning to live life. For on its own. You know, I when I first quit, I was walking into a Starbucks and there was a two-year-old walking out with her mother, and you know hanging onto her mom's arm and she was just a light with joy. And I remember thinking, I want what you have. Because I know her mommy, that little kid barely had sugar in her, you know, I'm not talking about a stringent lifestyle I'm talking about also know what you need, give it to yourself. Like, I've given up alcohol, I will never give up anything else. Like, I'll never say I am never going to eat another barbecue potato chip in my life. I'm not doing that, you know, pick your battles. But so, I think it starts for me, it started with health, and then a good attitude that is hard to come by. I gave up anxiety eight years ago.

Marlana

How do you do that?

Ruth

Yeah, exactly, right. With practice one day at a time. You know, it's a course, anxiety hasn't gone out of the window. But there was a point where I was saying, why do I react to every single new situation, even one I want, like walking into a new dance class or into a party of people, I don't know, wearing an outfit I like feeling pretty good. And I'll still have that flash of anxiety goes through. And I have, you know, a very good acquaintance with panic attacks, you know? Or was

Marlana

is that come as you got older? Or was that always part of your makeup?

Ruth

I think it was a part of my makeup but not as I kind of gotten beaten out of me a little bit by being a new kid a million times when I was growing up. 8 million is my standard number, probably a new kid five times. But, as I got, I think, I think more so. And particularly it was exacerbated towards the end of my drinking. So, since I stopped drinking it, it has reared its head a few times. And I and I believe in therapy. I do a lot of yoga; I am total yogi. Oh my God! I apologize.

Marlana

I'm not a problem. No, it just means you're popular.

Ruth

Telemarketer and I've even signed up for one of those things as soon as get you know, they don't anyway. So, but the anxiety thing, I'm bringing that up in terms of saying giving it up, like someone could say, I'm going to give up worrying about what's going on the other side of the world because I personally cannot do anything about it. And my worry doesn't help me, doesn't help my organs, the inside of me and I was just all tensed up over that. And so, with the anxiety it was really a quote, and it's still there. I mean, I you know, I definitely I had to drive to something new and different the other day and I was like, oh my God, you know, that I just, you know, I had my ways. I left them time I got there just fine but I had to go through that, you know, and it's a practice, it's starting to notice how often I started to notice how often I would go there. I think that's a hint for anyone that had to do, or you notice pay attention to yourself. I'm a writer, I keep a journal and I don't keep a journal and I write in it. Just to write to myself. My children are supposed to burn them after I die but I think I better make sure I get rid of them first and not because of any kind of interesting gossiper titillating stuff. No, they are an honorably boring in terms of the constant whining that constant from starting them in 1982 When my daughter was two years old till now when I am 72 years old, and it's still going on in there. Either, it's good for me because it gets it off my chest, you know, and I can analyze it a little bit. But they are not. These are journals. So, I'm saying you know, keep a journal where you're being truthful to your you're talking to yourself or make lists, I'm big on words and stuff but catch your rep repetitive ways of thinking that are aren't helping, you know, that are negative, as some people think that's the smart way to be. I turn on the news first thing in the morning because I want to know what's going on. I turn on music. I go for a walk on the boardwalk. I mean, I'm going to find out what's going on during the course of the day. I have friends who say okay, Ruth, now let you want to know what's going on. And it depends. Now I have a subscription to The New York Times and the LA Times, you know, scan on it right into real estate, which I think is much more fun. Yeah. You know what I can do something about? I do and I am a big believer of positivity and adding joy in your own personal life. My personal brand and my kind of stand that I'm on is finding the smallest pay attention to your daily life. Get up in the morning smile at the mirror at yourself. I always recommend Botox if you've got a big crease here and get rid of it. Because all that does is and that look a worry into your, into your brain. Like, oh, I'm really tensed to know if you get that removed by Botox, all you see is this calm phase, and it's a very good associate annoyed, calm, we'll figure out how to be calm, being calm is better, being calm is wiser, being calm will help you age better. And I have a friend as to why that takes away the passion in my life. I used to think being angry was passionate, you know, and that really helped matters, you know, ever. I mean, a good solid argument with someone and usually someone you love very much is you that's part of living and that's part of life, you know, but in general with yourself, just try and notice those negative traits and just notice them. That's the first. There's always the first step and then you take it from there.

Marlana

So let me ask you, how do you okay, so now, we're working on our internal, how do you tune out the external because for example, there is this beautiful, amazing model who was in sports Illustrated recently swimsuit. And she I don't remember how old she was. But the minute she came on the scene that the chatter started, who does she think she is? She's too old for this, you know, did she have work done bla bla bla bla bla, meanwhile, she's amazing. And why can't we just embrace that this woman is amazing. Where it seems like, anytime a man is, as he gets older, you know, we look at the Sean Connery's of the world and they become distinguished we become quote unquote, old. So how do you tune out that mess?

Ruth

But you're right. I mean, it's at home. Do you remember who the model was? By the way?

Marlana

I don't remember her name offhand. I have to look for it, send it to you.

Ruth

Okay, well, I get I get, I get that I'm 72. I've had a facelift; I believe in Botox. I believe in get the facelift and skip the filler If you want to do that, you know, just go ahead, and get it done with and you know, it's a much cleaner way of doing things. But all of that kind of work is the same as taking care of your body, you know, not getting up to 250 pounds, which I think the world could do quite all of us could do quite easily. You look at a Sean Connery. He had good face work, man, but he had you know, and he took care of himself, right? There that that kind of one time a woman leaned across a dinner table, or a dinner party and she leaned across the table, and she said to me, okay, Ruth, well, you know, you look good, but that's because you work at it. Like that was an advanced thing. Yeah. And I leaned across to her and I said, and you look like you look like because you don't do a thing about it. She was a plane. She wasn't she didn't have to be playing, but she was pissed off. It was like a mean girl type question. I just tune it out. Because I feel better than them and I know it. And that's another thing is own your ego. Own it, acknowledge it. If you're good at something, you're good at it and be grateful. I mean, alone privately, you do all the grateful you know, the spiritual work and all that but out there in the world, especially as you get older, just stand tall. I remember one time running into a grocery store in Florida somewhere and in I lived in palace a part of Adera at that time, and flirty and women take care of themselves, you know, certainly a certain ilk. Now, there's always going to be those people that don't do a darn thing and you know, fine just stay out of my face. But she was older I think I was I had just turned 50 or something like that. And she was in her 80s I'm sure just this gorgeous woman but as she walked by us with pushing her cart and not leaning on the cart, pushing it, her perfume just was gorgeous. So, I hastened up to her kind of in a wind-blown kind of you know frazzled buying groceries for children at home type thing. And center. Oh, my God, I love your perfume. I love it. And what is it? And I don't know what I expected her to do kind of fall down on her face because I thought she was great, and she was older you know and all that. But I also was truly like telling me and she looked up at me and my kind of messiness and her elegance and she said it's Lucia hold on darling Lucia Hall, and off she went. Hardly a tiny little smile here like maybe you'll be there one day. And I thought that's who I want to be. I want to be like that. I know at home she took one eye I see an older woman or an older man, both anyone who are getting now that I'm 72 I look at people that I know are younger than I am looking older. But so, when I see someone who's like 80-90, and I know what it takes to stand straight, I have scoliosis I have to, I have to constantly do the bet the anyway, I look at them, and I realize how much time and effort it has taken them to be at this age and out fully dressed, walking with authority. Maybe these women who pick on someone like that they're just lazy jerks.

Marlana

Yeah

Ruth

Apart by French, you know, and women can be so nasty with each other. I don't know if men are nasty with each other. You know, but women, a certain ilk of women can be that way.

Marlana

Yeah.

Ruth

And I hate every one of them.

Marlana

Yeah, I yeah, I think it's more prevalent with women.

Ruth

Yeah.

Marlana

So how do you think enough of us step into our power our and own all of the wonderful things about us?

Ruth

Well, I can't answer that. Because I don't know. You know, but certainly in my world, I tend I've gone through not, I'm not weeding out friends, it's not like that. But as I get older, I have less patients are the ones who still kind of seem trapped back are the ones who still you know, do everything with their husband, and everything with their husband, I divorced my second husband in 2000. And I, I've been in a few relationships then but I'm, I also took care of my elderly father, as the older kid. After my mother died, and I didn't, I didn't have to take care of my mom, we live together. We had a family be just been in the family for years. And I lived there. And it was fun. My son lives there. For a while I had a it was an interesting household going on at the time. But I finally for the first time in my life actually lived alone, because I got married at 19 had children when I was divorced, I still had children, you know, at the age of 67, so that was five years ago. And I love it, you know now. I mean, there are times when I wish there were someone who could put on my necklace for me, you know, or if I'm with someone, I'm never living with them. That is wonderful. But in that period of time since I divorced in 2000. I've traveled alone, and I've just gotten stronger because of it. And I mean, I had a good upbringing, I lived in Europe as a kid, when I was 12, we moved to Brussels, Belgium, I was the most ungrateful 12-year-old for that European experience, hated Paris. I've written two I've been back to Paris is where I go. There's a kind of a base, written two books about that. But at the time, I didn't like it. It was a bigger, dirtier Brussels, Belgium, which is where we live. My poor mother was pregnant with her sixth child over there and she's taking her 12-year-old to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa. And I'm going it's so small. You get close to it. You know, it's just this is this museum is ridiculous is too big, you know? Oh, it was awful, you know, but I chose to go back to Paris when I started going back at six weeks staying for six weeks in an apartment was because I used to speak French and I knew some of it would come and I just figured that was reasonable. But anyway, so in terms of I think, I think I really don't know I meet boasts some of my closest friends will suddenly surprise me we're talking about suddenly someone spoke up the other day and said, well, I'm glad Hillary Clinton wasn't, you know, electric. It's just ridiculous to meet a

woman for President. I mean, even the men at the table rose up and said, what are you kidding? It would be good to have a woman as a president in this country, you know, and then they were like, I was like, I thought we were friends.

Marlana

So, is there anything about aging that scares you?

Ruth

No, not anymore. Because I'm in the middle of it. You know, I have the I mean, I would hate to have suddenly a very painful the ability the disease attacked me. But even then, when I talk about in my book, everyone has their Everest's. And it's a funny, I'm a humorous, so the book is funny. Oh, well, hopefully, you know, it's got a bit of everything. And but the first address was having my first child and suddenly realizing, oh my God, I've got to feed this kid three meals a day for the next 18 years. You know, and, and how scary it was. And it was the kid was never, he is now a psychologist, and he is 44. So, it worked out, you know, we had some lumps along the way. And then the second Everest was, you know, doing what I'm talking about is do doing the thing you're most afraid of, but you know you need to. And that was for me giving up alcohol. I just, I just, I knew I had to do it. And so, I did. And the world opened up. And I learned at that point, and I believe that, that if you've got that kind of mountain in front of you jump off it, just jump off it, like your friend who wants to move to Florida, you know, it's like, she must have a reason for it, you know? And so, what was the original question, though, I'm...