But how? “Follow me” she said smiling, and led me out past the back of Ratchly Chemical Factory, which I was a little nervous about, then on through the Ratchly woods and up just outside Charry Marry Fun park. It was a beautiful sunny day, about 3pm so I had another hour before making the dinner and bringing it over to Michael in ‘his house’ as he then liked to scream at me. Ah Michelle was goin’ good-o with the stories of how she never got married and that there were no good men in the town anyway. I said I know, I hadn’t seen a proper man in years and only for Floyd I’d have forgotten what a massive mangler looked like. Michelle gaped at me and said:

“Oh, you should see what they feel like”. She stared. I didn’t know what to say. That’s when we heard it. (Whistle) Michelle said to follow her. So I did. We ventured in our suede boots and loose scarves to a clearing. There stood four middle-aged men and from a distance they looked like they were out of a Crowded House video from the 80’s. Michelle took my hand. The biggest fella approached, spat the fag from his gob and it was then that I recognised him! It was Brendan! Brendan Barty! The best Gaelic footballer of all St. Saville’s! My old classmate! Oh my God, and was that Gavin Moore behind him? And that’s definitely Clement Gansella! What the Janey? But I said nothing. Then at the rear and scuffing his shoes was a man with a familiar sound. 

“Wheeeezeeee!” It was J.J.! Jagger Jordan! I looked at him in horror. We had just met in the morning! But he looked different, as if vacant, as they all lined up. J.J., Brendan, Gavin and Clement! Just like our yearbook from ‘91. A semi-school reunion in the woods outside the Fun Park. “Good woman yourself Michelle, she’s a hefty one!” said Brendan, staring at my buxom motherlode, not seeming to recognise me. And neither did Gavin or Clement. As for J.J.? He just stared ahead with bloodshot eyes. Well, I thought to myself, probably a kilo-a-year since three of them last saw me.

Yep, eighteen extra kilos will do that to a girl! And never mind the slabs of black eye-liner I got off Michelle too! Yet there was no hint of them recognising their classmate 18 years on! Were they letting on? And if not, surely I didn’t want to tell them. I was too busy sweating! Which made what was about to happen one of the strangest episodes of my life. And it was a wonder too that J.J. kept his mouth shut about seeing me that morning at the flat! But soon, I was to realise why…

“Ready? Sure let’s burst it on!” said Brendan again. He sounded brain damaged. Must have been all those years fighting a football. But I was mesmerised. What were we all doin’ in this field Michelle? Just then I made out the big bent helmet under Brendan’s grey stonewash jeans. His fashion sense was always rubbish. His hammer twitched as Brendan took me by the hand. I jolted. No man had done that in such a gentle way since Floyd. I blinked.

Gavin said I was a “very sexy woman” with “big milk and blood.” I don’t know if he had been on drugs the whole time since school but I tell ya, I only went crimson! Then as quick as a snot Clement whips out his skinny aul’ creamy flute and starts riffin’ off strokes! One after the other like a piston engine! Ah! I looked around for Michelle but all I saw was Brendan and Gavin staring at me, each flickin’ their nervous flogs in me face! Oh my God! I was mortified! I hadn’t seen this amount of penis since Michael taped over the wedding video for spite. “Yeah, yeaaaah, take this bitch, have and hold this forever, ya cunt.”

Frumpy Dumpster is an Amplevoicepod feature-length Ear-film. A podcast with bite. The fateful story of Lindor Lamb, a middle-aged woman who has just about had enough of men. As a young woman, those were naive care-free days for Lindor, until that is when she encountered Payter Mayhem at Charry Marry Fun Park and school headmaster Sean Wrigley. Further anguish was caused by her husband, the 'Old Bruiser' himself.

Frumpy Dumpster is a feature-length explicit and sometime farcical story from Amplevoicepod. We create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod.