The Gerbil: Hello. This is a story about a friend I helped guide, while never leaving his side. We were in Cork, Ireland. It was August 22nd 1922. A wet cold summer’s afternoon had a red-haired naked bearded man, taking a trip with his wooden lunch box…

(Falling down hillside)

Holmes: Ah! Uff. Fuck yis! Bad brains! Bad brains! Fuck yis. Ah look it, the knees are tore off us.  Can’t go more. Stop it. No.

(Hinge of bread basket opens)

The Gerbil: But we must.

Holmes: No!

The Gerbil: Tick tock! We have work to do!

Holmes: Akskshsh! Sure look at me! I’m in the rags and only the dirt to keep me warm!

The Gerbil: Shut up!

Holmes: But, but, it’s been a quaren long time. They might be chasing us!

The Gerbil: I’m sure ‘they’ are not.

Holmes: How do you know sure?

The Gerbil: Trust us.

Holmes: But, yis don’t know where we are and what we’re supposed to be doin’!

The Gerbil: We do. Concentrate! Or we forget things…

Holmes: Hah? Am... I... Mad in the head? Is that what you’re sayin’? Am I mad in the head or what?

The Gerbil: Just move!

Holmes: Ah curse a god on it! Akshsksh! Quick.

(Hinge of bread basket closes) (Starts running)

Voiceover: A&M presents… An A&M production… Mental Holmes. Featuring Tomathy Wilson, Seamus Byrnie, Gwen Brindle and Stanton Pulvertuft. Including Eleanora Wilson, Davey Maybury, and Mr. Norman Tash.

Holmes: Ooh! Looka! There be some houses down there. If yis leave the forest yis may be seen, but sure, if yis stay here; forest’ll ate us with the worms in me head n’ all. Gone! Here no more! Ah fuck it! Come on so! Follow me!

(Jumps over a fence)

Holmes: Right, careful now you. Like an adder in the glades… Ooh! Man-clothes on a washin’ line. That be ours now thanks, heheheh… Boots! And a coat too! Hah? Who leaves boots on the back porch…Yis’d be stupid to do that, sure they’d be stolen! Heheh, they’ll fit lovely too and no bother… Akskskskskhh! Quick! Don’t be an eejit! Put them on and let’s get goin’, are, are, are yis Madden the Head or what?? Come on! Jump over the fence will yis!!!

(Jumps over a fence)

Holmes: Come on! Around here… this way…

Policeman: Excuse me sir.

Holmes: Aah! Policemanses. How’d he get there?! Ah that’s it so, the games gone… Bad brains! Raise up the hands, no! no! Keep the hands in the pockets… slowly now… smile, smile at the nice policemanses so he may - not - bate - us.

Policeman: Sir? Sir?

Holmes: Hands - in - the - pocketses…

Policeman: Sir? Can you hear me?

Holmes: Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Very fuckin’ sorry. I didn’t know what was goin’ on and I just ran… ran away. That’s all. I swear! Oooh, what’s this now (fiddles in pocket)...

Policeman: What is your name sir?

Holmes: Looka! It’s a… it’s a… eh… Here ya go Sir… (cough)…

(Card rustle as Policeman looks at the it)

Policeman: This is your card sir? Your name is Aubrey Holmes is it?

Holmes: Eh, well, sure as God it is an’ all yep, listen now, I know. I know. And I’m, I’m very sorry for what I have done.

Policeman: That’s perfectly fine sir. You can’t be too careful these days?

Holmes: Scuse me?

Policeman: It is of course natural to be in a state of shock after seeing such a gruesome scene as this; anyone would be struggling to find words. And what with the current situation down here… well, it’s fully understandable sir.

Holmes: Yes. That. Be. Right.

Policeman: If you ask me I’m not sure we have the resources to deal with such a, forgive me for saying, insignificance, of a young murdered woman.

Holmes: A woman? There’s been bloodery?

Policeman: Thank you for your time Sir. Riordan! Riordan! We must report back to General Dalton at the Railway Station. Bloody irregulars, making it hard for everyone…

Policeman: They’ve found a Thompson gun at Sullivan’s Quay. Under some blankets they said!

Holmes: What’s goin’ on? He didn’t put the moves on us… I’m still freeborn! Askskskshshskkshh!

Policeman: Ah! Mr Holmes? Mr Holmes?!

Holmes: Curse a fuck. He’s copped on. That’s us fuckin’ done.

Policeman: I’m sorry. Your card… I think we can rule you out sir.

Holmes: Excuse me Mr Policeman, I, I’ll be back in a minute.

Policeman: Of course, I shall not keep you, good day sir.

Holmes: (Hinge opens) Wha’ WAS that?

The Gerbil: We played that very well.

Holmes: He was a polis-man.

The Gerbil: Correct. Now stop drawing attention. Get us out of here.

Holmes: No fear o’ that not happenin’. Looks like there’s been slaughter of the innocents. Not stickin’ around for that.

The Gerbil: Exactly… Move! We are behind!

The Gerbil: And there we were… My friend had found a good suit and boots to wear, had shown sufficient identification to the city policeman and we were now ready to move on. We were behind. But in front of us lay a slippery path. There was revolution in the air, confusion around, and a dead young woman on the ground.

(Photographer snaps shots of dead body)

Passerby: Oh God!

Davey Maybury: Examiner! Comin’ through, coming through. Take a shot there Miley. Two slates. Officer! Davey Maybury from the Examiner, what’s the comment? Another lady’s slipper placed in the right hand of the victim. ‘Jim The Slipper’ strikes again? Make sure you get a good shot of ‘er Miley.

(Photographer snaps shot)

Davey Maybury: At last, a bit of work for meself wha?

Tomathy: Tsk, tsk, oh  just lamentable. I mean. Terrible. She must have succumbed in most direful circumstance. The wretch. How many more? You… hmm… well would you look… isn’t that the most damned-est thing… It’s my… my-my… Eh, so if we are finished here officer I have other matters… to.

Policeman: Of course Mr Wilson, we are done here.

Tomathy: I hope you catch the brute, I mean… it’s the third one. 

Policeman: He shan’t get far this time Mr Wilson. If we don’t get him, the army surely will. They’re already at the port and rail stations!

Tomathy: Excellent! Let’s hope so. Good luck to you!

(Bulb flashes)

Passerby: Who was she lads? Was she nice? Ah the Big Fella will save the day sure. He’s the only man.

Passerby: Ah look! Albert Lyons wants to get up on a dead one! Ha! He’d get up on a heifer sure.

Holmes: Listen, no, listen, stop talkin’! Are youse sayin’ I’m mad in the head again?

The Gerbil: Shut up. Someone’s coming.

Tomathy: I say good fellow, how goes it? Terrible tragedy here ay?

Holmes: Hah?

(Hinge slams shut)

Tomathy: I said; ‘terrible tragedy’?

Holmes: I know, I’m very fuckin’ sorry.

Tomathy: Yes, I’m sure you are. She was a seamstress working for Mrs Cotter on Patrick Street. Had her whole life in front of her.

Holmes: Yeah. Sure that’s it n’ all now.

Tomathy: I’m awfully sorry to intrude on you in such circumstances, normally one should keep one to oneself and all that, but, but all these killings do ruffle one’s feathers you know.

Holmes: Feathers?

Tomathy: Yes, feathers. You are not from around here are you?

Holmes: No.

Tomathy: Must be from the capital by the cut of your cloth ay?!

Holmes: City, y-yes, that.... is. Yep.

Tomathy: Ah I knew it! A solicitor too I suspect?

Holmes: Ahp, that’s right, I’m here solicitin’. Solicitin’ all around and everywhere.

Tomathy: Remarkable! My powers of deduction are rapier sharp. I am a solicitor too you see. I could tell by your fashion sir.

Holmes: Yep, that’s right. I am the fashion.

Tomathy: Eh tell me good fellow, have beards and long hair really come back in? I haven’t seen one like yours since the Crimea. It’s all clean shaves and moustaches down here you know.

Holmes: Yep.

Tomathy: Amazing, amazing, tell me if I may be so bold as to ask; where could I obtain such clothes as you possess sir?

Holmes: In a shop.

Tomathy: Ah, yes, keeping the name close to your chest ay? Must be an excellent tailor, very prudent. Give nothing away. That’s it.

Holmes: Excuse me.

Tomathy: Yes, yes of course, by all means.

(Hinge of bread basket)

Holmes: What’s goin’ on?

The Gerbil: Well we may as well talk to the man, now that he’s befriended us. Be careful. Remember, cautious ma precious. We’re still behind!!

Holmes: Ok.

(Hinge of bread basket)

Holmes: Back now.

Tomathy: You know it’s been completely rude and remiss of me but I didn’t do you the courtesy of telling you my name. I am Tomathy Wilson, legal partner at Pulvertuft & Wilson.

Holmes: Hello. I am Aubrey…

Tomathy: Delighted to meet you Aubrey.

Holmes: I am Aubrey Holmes.

Tomathy: Ah, yes, Aubrey Holmes. Delighted. So Mr Aubrey Holmes, who do you think did this ghastly thing? Paper says it’s Jim the Slipper!

Holmes: Jim the Slipperses?

Tomathy: Yes, there’s been a spate of killings of women here in the last month. A purple velvet slipper is placed in the right hand of the woman. See? You see here? The deceased’s arm outstretched above her bludgeoned head? Everyone is afraid to leave their doors open at night, never mind the risk of shots from an irregular’s rifle!

Holmes: Bloodery.

Tomathy: I know it’s shocking.

Holmes: Jim the Slipper? He must have some cock on him.

Tomathy: Eh… well, come to think of it, eh, yes, maybe, eh I suppose he must be, criminally insane? You know, I have a theory…

Holmes: Excuse me again…

Tomathy: Oh, certainly Aubrey, please-

(Hinge of bread basket)

Holmes: This man is makin’ us nervous, his wordseses are like bullets...

The Gerbil: Relax, he thinks we are Aubrey Holmes, whoever he is. Get information. It will come in useful.

Holmes: But… about what…?

The Gerbil: We are behind. Go! Ask him about his theory…

Holmes: Ah, Ok.

(Hinge of bread basket)

Holmes: Back now. Eh, what is your theory Mr.. eh…

Tomathy: Tomathy, Tomathy Wilson, of Pulvertuft & Wilson! Well I’d be glad to share it with you.

Holmes: Share it so.

Tomathy: Yes, I know what you mean, us legal types must stay together what?

Holmes: Yes. Tell me.

Tomathy: You know what, I have an excellent idea, I live just on Rathdrum Street here, would you do me the satisfaction of accompanying me to my home? We can sit and smoke and I can share my thoughts with you.

Holmes: Ehm.

Tomathy: I have a sixpence of WJ Shinkwin’s prime snuff!

Holmes: Excuse me Tomathy Wilson of Pulvertuft & Wilson.

Tomathy: Oh I’m terribly sorry, have I been too forward? I sort of sprang that on you.

Holmes: Gurnp..

Tomathy: Gosh. You look bemused. Please forgive me. My wife will prepare us some of Mrs Murphyarty’s best cupcakes and scones if, if that would seal the deal? Mmm?

Holmes: Back soon.

Tomathy: Of course… you must have time to think it over.

(Gun discharging in the distance)

Tomathy:  (To himself) Mm, that doesn’t sound too far away… I hope the boys in green know what they’re doing… Sigh. (Whistle idly)…

Holmes: (Distant) Fuck yis!

Tomathy: (Whistles) What, IS he doing… Hmm, I must tell Stanton about this fellow…

Holmes: Yes.

Tomathy: What old boy mm?

Holmes: Yes.

Tomathy: Oh, oh yes? You mean… Yes? Oh Yes! Yes, yes excellent!

Holmes: Yes.

Tomathy: Cupcakes and scones it is! Excellent, this way… you know my good man, a good conversational partner is hard to find these days. Please this way…

Holmes: Ok.

Tomathy: Forgive me for saying this Aubrey, I hope you don’t mind but I can’t help notice that large wooden box you are carrying under your arm. What… eh…

Holmes: Hah? Oh, it’s, it’s a lunchbox. Yes. L-lunchbox… For the sang-wedgers!

Tomathy: You know I’ve heard about these, you city boys with your new fads! Better for the freshness yes?

Holmes: Fresh sangwedgers. Yes. The sangers don’t sour in the bread box. In there. Yes. Fresh. Fresh fuckerses akskskshshsh!!!

Tomathy: Yes, I suppose so! Amazing… Ah, here we are, I’ll just see if my good lady is at home…

(Opens front door)

Tomathy: Eleanora?

Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime!

From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges!

The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be…

Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix.

Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.