Every night in college is a slumber party…and then adulthood hits and I want to have a slumber party with my girlfriends, but we’d have to plan it three months out.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m okay taking out my planner and just putting a date in because it is just so live giving when it actually happens.

This whole episode came about mostly because this podcast would not have happened if we didn’t put assumptions aside and realize that friendship is more important so we really want to speak to that and some helpful tips and unpack what this is so hard.

Social media is the worst at connecting us if you’re in an unhealthy mindset.

They call it the highlight reel. It’s hard when we’re looking at our life and we don’t want to connect with these people who look untouchable.

We get into our own little lonely holes where we don’t want to connect when the I feel like the opposite is what needs to happen.

It can connect us, but like you said, you have to be in a healthy state and you have to be willing to show up and be authentic.

I’m kind of done being sold to as far as people living perfect lives, because we’re not perfect.

We want to be authentic and that is what is driving this desire to build a community of women who want to impact or change their lives or be something better than what they are.

You have to market to millennials differently now because they can instantly spot when they are being sold to.

It’s gotten out of control. Let’s bring back the realness and the non-judgementalness and just have fun. That is the “barefaced” to the Barefaced Brunch. That’s why our name is so us.

The assumptions and the feeling judge is really the theme for today and the underlying root to why female friendships are hard.

Assumptions really could have been the undoing of our friendship.

On my end, I saw you move to Hawaii and I was happy for you (but sad for me) and every time you posted on Instagram it was like you were living your best life, but it made feel like over time that you had moved on from our friendship and that my friendship was not a service to you anymore.

So all my own self doubt starting sneaking in. Last spring my life felt like it was gone to heck in a hand basket and because of that I felt like I had such a not-instagram-worthy life. I was really struggling and felt like I couldn’t show up as a good friend regardless.

Which is such a self-defeating way of looking at it, but in the moment it felt really real.

We pushed passed those assumptions and decided our friendship was more important. We didn’t know how to navigate the waters of this friendship that felt new again.

We still wanted the same things for each other and to do life with each other, hard core, even though we are so far away.

If someone is on your heart reach out to them for sure because as we’ve learned they’re probably thinking the exact same thing.

She has this phrase (Brene Brown) “What is the story I am making up in my head right now.

We were both making up these stories about each other that were completely 100% false.

When we talk about holding back and assumptions there’s a lot of reasons why we do that. Most of the time we’re doubting ourselves.

Sometimes we thing that friendships shouldn’t be hard and ultimately yeah, you really do have to cultivate them. You think about the word cultivate, it originally applies to farming. Farming isn’t easy work, my friends.

I think it’s important to note that work means it takes effort. It should be a positive effort because it takes time, but it shouldn’t be emotionally draining or hard as in it shouldn’t make you feel bad or they shouldn't make you feel guilty for the way you are a friend. It just takes effort.

One of the things that I did that I think has helped be a better friend to those in my inner circle is to cut down the distractions of periphery acquaintances.

Here’s a challenge for all of you, if you instantly feel some negative way about someone as their photo passes your feed, instantly mute them. It works wonders. 

I really want to tie in social media with time blocking your day when it comes to productivity. You have to guard your time and your emotional health.

We have finite resources. There’s the finite resource of time, the finite resource of money, and the finite resource of our emotional bandwidth. Time and emotional bandwidth get ignored so easily. 

We have got to assume the best of our friends. We have to think better. Maybe they’re going through a really hard time? We have to take ourselves out of this and not jump to conclusions.

I genuinely think that grace is pivotal to friendships. Competition can really get in the way of friendships.

Don’t be afraid to skip the small talk and really dig into life with somebody. I think that takes bravery, to really go there with someone but it’s so refreshing when I encounter it.

If you have people in your life that you feel you can’t be vulnerable with then maybe ask that question. Why am I feeling that way? Is there a lack of trust there? Is it not a healthy relationship? Is it one of those friendships that you've had for a long time so you keep around but it’s turned unhealthy? Take a moment and really take stock of those friendships. 

When I am in a terrible case of comparisonitis, I have started curing it with comments on social media. In a genuine way I will go and I will comment on everyone I see. Not sure if it’s the power of positivity thinking, karma, spreading kindness, but it fuels my soul.

Besties surprise me all the time. You cannot assume when you meet people where the friendship might go. 

Brunchie fact! The best way to make coffee at home?

Phinny’s espresso machine.

Tori’s Chemex Pour Over.

Tori’s French Press.

Phinny + Tori’s current coffee love.

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