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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and

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by Grainy Nutritional Sand.

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And I would just like to reiterate

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what was said during our sponsorship spot

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at the beginning of the show from our sponsor

1:07

granularity. If your cow is

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seen to walk backwards after consuming granularity,

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that has nothing to do with what

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they have just consumed. And really,

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as an owner, you should see it as

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a new feature that your cows now

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have. So actually, it's a positive,

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isn't it? That they are walking us

1:24

first. Into a bright future.

1:28

This month's episode is all about the well

1:30

loved British entertainer, Sid Anyan.

1:33

Seed, of course, was one half of the British

1:35

Entertainment Juggernaut double act, Cheese

1:37

and onion, a duo whose work

1:39

abruptly came to an end in twenty fourteen

1:41

when Sid was arrested taking beef

1:43

over the Turkish border. And after a

1:45

short trial, he was imprisoned for an

1:47

indeterminate amount of time. You

1:50

may remember a previous episode of this podcast

1:53

in which the charity, Buffsson Frontier,

1:55

were raising money to build up a war

1:57

chest that could be used for bribes to

1:59

get Sid out of prison. However,

2:02

due to some sort of era, the wrong

2:04

Sid onion was released. A

2:07

serial killer responsible for what is thought

2:09

to be over two hundred deaths. And

2:11

deterred, Sardinian's family, most notably

2:13

his daughter, Pam Anyan, started a

2:16

new effort to fundraise and a new

2:18

effort to free him from the prison. And

2:20

six months ago, that came to pass.

2:23

You'll have no doubt heard the story and know what

2:25

happened, but in this episode, we

2:27

hope to get a greater understanding of

2:29

what occurred. So later,

2:32

I will speak to the released Sid Anyon.

2:34

But first, Sid's daughter Pam has offered

2:36

us an exclusive play of an excerpt

2:38

of her new book in audiobook

2:40

form Pam Anions tears

2:42

at the chopping board, a memoir by Pam

2:44

Anion, and in this case, read by

2:47

Pam Anion. It's also worth mentioning

2:49

that this audiobook, Pamunians, tears

2:51

at the dropping board, a memoir by Pamunian,

2:53

read by Pamunian, is sponsored by

2:56

Mcfintons. Tiers

3:13

at the chopping board, a memoir

3:16

by Permian, read

3:18

by me, Permian,

3:27

When I made the appeal, we had no idea

3:29

whether anyone will give money. We'd

3:31

already wasted so much of the public's

3:33

money in our first failed attempt

3:36

to free dad, but I didn't know whether

3:38

people would have lost faith in us. After

3:40

all, I felt such guilt, a convicted

3:42

serial killer had been free because of the mistake

3:45

we made. You

3:47

can only begin to imagine a relief

3:49

I felt when he killed again and went back to prison.

3:52

That was a huge load of my mind

3:54

and my conscience was clear again. Also,

3:58

as time went by, I began to wonder

4:00

whether the public would forget about Sedonian.

4:03

After all, Dad hasn't been on television

4:05

since the ill fated Channel five game

4:08

show he did with Les Cheese. Show

4:10

is a knob where contestants had

4:12

to identify the homes of celebrities from

4:14

the houses door knobs alone, all

4:17

while Les exposed himself and manipulated

4:19

his genitals to make crude skin puppetry

4:21

characters of world leaders. While

4:24

his port Weinstein birthmark led to

4:26

a really uncanny gorbachev, Ultimately,

4:29

the public deemed it too much for lunchtime

4:31

and voted with their feet. Hurling

4:33

their shoes at ITV headquarters until

4:36

it was canceled in nineteen ninety six

4:38

after only twelve series.

4:41

Added to this, I always had

4:43

the creeping suspicion that the public

4:45

always loved Les cheese more

4:47

than they loved dad. After

4:49

all, it was usually Les singing the

4:51

songs and doing the jokes, while

4:54

dad was largely being hit in the face with

4:56

pies or pelted with boiling hot onions

4:58

and pickling vinegar.

5:00

Palm onions, tears of the chopping word,

5:03

a memoir by Permian, read

5:05

by Permian, is sponsored by

5:07

the McFinton's onion. It's

5:09

one big onion. While

5:12

around with a bag of onions when you could buy

5:14

one big onion. This single onion

5:16

will last an average household six

5:19

weeks. When you need onion, simply

5:21

I could chunk off.

5:25

Pleasingly, it seemed that I had

5:27

underestimated Dao's popularity because

5:29

we reached our fundraising target in

5:31

only six hours. After

5:34

a week, we raised more than

5:36

two million pounds We had

5:38

to choose what to do with the extra money.

5:41

I had thought that it might be a nice

5:43

idea to donate the money to a charity.

5:45

To help the families of other people wrongly imprisoned

5:48

abroad. But it was my

5:50

brother Conrad who quite rightly

5:52

made us think, what would dad

5:54

do? And we came up with the idea

5:56

that we should use the surplus to build a

5:58

statue of my father's hero. The

6:01

thing was, Throughout his life, he

6:03

has had two great heroes, and

6:05

we had no idea how to choose between

6:07

them. And so next year,

6:10

on dad's birthday, a fifteen

6:12

foot bronze statue of General

6:14

Pinochet's head with Margaret Thatcher's

6:16

body will be unveiled on more

6:18

concierge front. I want

6:21

to extend my sincerest gratitude

6:23

to everyone who contributed. Now

6:33

we have the money. It was time to

6:35

think strategy. Our attempt

6:37

to bribe officials have backfired last

6:39

time, so that was off the table. In

6:42

the previous months, the charity,

6:44

Bouffson Frontier, or beads

6:46

without borders, had lobbied the UK

6:48

government to apply political pressure

6:50

to secure his release and

6:52

succeeded in setting up a meeting

6:55

between the prime minister and the Turkish

6:57

justice minister. Unfortunately,

7:00

at the time, the prime minister was Boris

7:02

Johnson, and the poor Turkish justice

7:04

minister walked his the meeting

7:06

room to find him hunched over, sweatily

7:09

shagging a rolled up carpet. Despite

7:11

us sending them the money by one of the world's most

7:13

powerful steam cleaners, we learned

7:16

in retaliation for the development of the

7:18

rug by our elected premier my

7:20

father was moved into solitary confinement.

7:25

We find many of our customers get

7:27

solace from their giant Mcfint and onion.

7:29

Why not draw face on it and share

7:31

your innermost thoughts.

7:38

Our next plan was to raise my

7:40

father's profile in Turkey itself.

7:42

If the local population could grow

7:45

to love him as much as the British public,

7:47

Surely pressure will be put on the government to

7:49

release him. We started

7:52

by dissuading a local TV channel

7:54

to repeat the nineteen eighty four cheese

7:56

nuggets straight to VHS movie, Costa

7:58

del Bolix two, Bolix O'Cog

8:00

news. In this ninety

8:02

minute paper, My father in

8:04

Les Cheese play Allen and Nigel

8:06

Bullock's, a pair of British news readers

8:09

trying to make their fortune in Spain. So

8:11

while the first Casa del Balux was watched by

8:13

an audience of over twenty million

8:16

on Christmas day in nineteen eighty three,

8:18

for the sequel, Les and Dad

8:20

decided to try and cash in. And

8:22

lo and behold, in nineteen eighty four,

8:25

it became the biggest selling VHS

8:27

in British history. Which

8:29

would then be overtaken by nineteen

8:31

eighty six's, Castadol Bolux three,

8:34

jilted at Gibraltar. A

8:37

little factoid about the cost of DelBolik's VHS

8:39

releases. According to a

8:41

study by University College London,

8:43

there are now so many parts of

8:45

them in British charity shops that they

8:47

had become structurally integral to

8:50

many of the buildings. And

8:52

if they were all to be bought at the same

8:54

time, The whole of many major

8:56

urban centers in the UK will

8:57

collapse. That is

9:00

only really a hypothetical reality.

9:02

So

9:02

if you fancy a mix of sunny Spanish

9:04

scenery, cheeky harmless

9:06

innuendo, along with quite

9:08

hardcore sexual innuendo that would never have

9:10

been allowed on broadcast television featuring

9:13

songs and cameos by well loved ITV

9:15

News readers of the nineteen eighties. Why

9:17

not pick up a copy? You'll love

9:19

it. Although, I'll

9:21

tell you you didn't love

9:22

it, the Turkish public,

9:24

not because they found any aspect of

9:27

it offensive. I just thought

9:29

it was shit.

9:36

Remember, when your onion isn't in

9:38

use, it makes a fascinating

9:40

talking point for guests. Mcfitness,

9:43

our big onion, your big onion.

9:57

Undeterred. Our next strategy

9:59

involved trying to make the Turkish prison

10:01

system so overcrowded that he would have

10:03

to be released. To

10:05

do this, We framed several

10:07

thousand people for thousands of

10:09

murders that were actually carried out by our

10:11

diligent lawyer, John Wasabi.

10:14

Sadly, Wasabi got into the role a

10:16

bit too much and began leaving cryptic

10:18

calling cards at the scene of every murder,

10:21

which began getting less and less

10:23

cryptic until he was just leaving his business

10:25

card in the victim's mouth. The

10:27

police had no trouble cracking this code,

10:29

and he was arrested, found guilty.

10:31

And sentenced to four thousand girls on the

10:34

electric chair. Fortunately for

10:36

Wasabi, while the first shock

10:38

stopped his hurt, The second one

10:40

started again. And so on and so

10:42

forth, four thousand times.

10:44

Luckily, the final shot was a reviving

10:46

one. And although he's now very crispy

10:48

skinned, he lives to lawyer another

10:50

day. I would hardly

10:52

recommend him as a lawyer. Unless you have a pacemaker

10:54

because now it's not just his personality that's

10:56

magnetic. It's his spine.

10:59

Regularly buying more than one

11:01

onion, Get with the Times

11:03

grandad, Mcfitness, the

11:05

big onion people.

11:10

We next tried myriad other

11:13

schemes involving keys up someone's

11:15

bum, a telephone up someone's bum,

11:17

a file in a cake, a file in a cake up

11:19

someone's bum, serial podcast season

11:21

five from this American life,

11:23

writing a polite email to the pope, and

11:25

writing a surety email to the pope.

11:27

Nothing was working. I

11:29

began to truly believe that my

11:31

father would never get out of prison.

11:34

Then, On top of that, the

11:36

queen died. I

11:50

watched the funeral. Knowing that if dad

11:52

were free, cheese and onion would have

11:54

done a turn in the cathedral. The

11:56

official plans with a cheese and

11:58

onion would burst out of the coffin and

12:00

sing their hit song cheesy does it before

12:02

the

12:02

sermon. The injustice

12:05

burned deep in my heart.

12:10

I didn't get out of bed for six weeks,

12:13

watching the queen's funeral and repeat, and

12:15

eating handful after handful of

12:17

raw beef mince, what the

12:20

Germans call, truer flesh,

12:22

which translates as morning

12:24

meat, weeping flesh, grief

12:26

beef. But

12:32

if I have learned one thing from dad's

12:34

life and career, It is that

12:36

the brightest lights follow the darkest

12:39

darks. I think

12:41

at the time that him and Les

12:43

were performing a song on television

12:46

suggested that the Duke of Edinburgh's

12:48

penis looked like a courgette. This

12:50

led to weeks of tabloid scandal

12:52

and repeated beatings by members of the

12:54

armed

12:54

forces. But ultimately

12:57

led to their big money advertising partnership

12:59

with Sainsbury's. Your

13:01

neighbors will be so jealous of your massive

13:04

onion, they'll start to see you

13:06

differently. They'll see you as someone

13:08

with a huge onion.

13:11

Another example, is the

13:13

time a dad didn't realize how much alcohol was

13:15

in a trifle and drove the wrong way

13:17

at the m one and broke forty

13:19

five bones in a head on collision with coach load of

13:21

Dutch Badminton professionals. It

13:24

was a dark time, not only for

13:26

dad, but for Dutch Badminton. But

13:28

this event would lead him to meeting his

13:30

ninth wife, Aetna von

13:33

Pim, who is responsible for giving out

13:35

the therapy ponies at the convent where

13:37

he recuperated. She would

13:39

go on to be his faithful and loving

13:41

wife for eight weeks.

13:46

What's that in your kitchen? A

13:49

big dried out alien egg?

13:51

No. That's to Mcfintons. Mcfintons.

13:55

We know our onion.

13:59

After six weeks of depression in bed,

14:02

One morning, I got a call from our

14:04

lawyer, John Wasabi. I

14:06

knew it must have been important because

14:09

since the four thousand electrical executions, Wasabi

14:12

doesn't use the phone much these days.

14:14

Something to do with the magnets inside the phone

14:16

speaker and his magnetic spine

14:18

mean that after a minute or two, thick

14:20

blue bolt of electricity fire out of

14:22

his arse. In fact, he

14:24

has to take calls standing on

14:26

expire so that the electricity is

14:29

correctly earthed. Over

14:32

the sound of the howling wind and

14:34

the inferno squeeze peeking and creaking

14:36

of a rusty weather vane. I was

14:38

just about here, John, telling

14:40

me excitedly that an entertainer

14:43

from Turkey, one half of

14:45

Turkey's most beloved a double act, Yogurt

14:47

and Koster, had been arrested in

14:49

London for selling counterfeit eggs to

14:51

a judge. Wasabi

14:53

ascribe it as the perfect opportunity

14:56

for a prisoner swap.

15:01

Finally, we were gonna get

15:03

dad out. Spell a

15:05

bag of onions and you'll be picking

15:07

them up for up to a minute. With

15:09

one big

15:10

onion, You're done in

15:12

seconds. Three days

15:14

later, we were stood on the

15:16

Tarmac as the plane touched down

15:18

at RAF Bryce Norton We

15:20

were going to see dad again. The

15:23

world's press were assembled for some

15:25

reason Rita Ora was there, and

15:27

the UK government and decided to

15:29

celebrate the event by erecting a

15:31

huge fiberglass onion,

15:34

which later blew into the path of Landing

15:36

747, leading to the

15:38

biggest air disaster in British history.

15:40

But for me, that

15:42

was nothing compared to the disaster

15:45

that unfolded as the doors of

15:47

the government plane opened. A

15:50

man, at least thirty years younger

15:52

than my father, stepped off the

15:54

plane. It had

15:56

happened again. This

15:58

time, due to an admin error

16:00

on the part of our recently electrocuted

16:02

lawyer, We had freed

16:04

the wrong zed onion.

16:27

A big thanks to Pam and the in for

16:29

that exclusive play of her

16:31

audiobook. And if you'd like to buy the

16:33

full memoir in hardback, or listen to that

16:35

full audiobook, read by Paminyan with

16:37

a forward from Michael palin. Go

16:40

to the boof some frontier

16:42

website, that's a boof some frontier

16:44

dot beef. Also, it's worth knowing

16:46

that all the proceeds from the book and the

16:48

audio book are going into a

16:50

fund. It's a legal fighting

16:52

fund which will be used to prosecute

16:54

people who graffiti on or

16:56

deface the statue of General

16:58

Pinochet slash Margothatcher.

17:04

So now it's time for another exclusive, we

17:06

are the only UK podcast to

17:08

secure an interview with the Sedonian

17:10

who was released during this attempt to

17:12

secure the release of the much loved entertainers as I'm

17:15

mean, it turns out he's from swansea

17:17

in South Wales and his real name

17:19

or rather his birth

17:20

name. Is Dean Lampf.

17:22

Hello.

17:22

My name is Dean Lampf

17:24

or AKA. All

17:27

will

17:27

become clear later. I started by

17:29

asking Dean about how he ended up in

17:32

Turkey.

17:32

Well, what what had happened was, I was minding my

17:35

own business. One after

17:37

doing watching the film on Channel five. And it was this

17:39

thing, I forget what it was. I think Max Von one of

17:41

the Maxes von Sado, you smell into just

17:43

one of them was in it. And And

17:45

he was Nick in a jewel jeweled jeweled dagger from

17:47

this museum in Turkey. It's Stan Bullock.

17:49

I can't stand to Noble Heislow calling because I'm

17:51

old fashioned in that way. And

17:54

I thought I'll have that because a bit of career criminal

17:56

in. Yeah. Is it is it fair to say that you

17:58

you know, I don't wanna cast those versions,

18:01

but Would you describe yourself as a career

18:04

criminal?

18:04

Well, I'm a da band. You know, career,

18:06

I don't wanna make it seem like I could do anything.

18:08

I could do it. I could be a doctor. This

18:10

is what I'm doing at the moment. But I would say, I'm a

18:12

I'm a dab hand at criminalin.

18:15

Right. And obviously,

18:16

you're based here in swanzy. What

18:18

kind of criminal activity were you doing here before you ended up in

18:21

Turkey? Make Skompin originally.

18:23

That stealing apples.

18:26

Yeah. And PlayStation's

18:29

that it became I was originally scomping for

18:31

Apples as a

18:31

child, and then you're getting your twenties and

18:33

you put childless things behind you and you started making

18:36

hardware. Yeah. Because it is is it

18:38

possible these days to make a living

18:40

entirely just from stealing apples?

18:42

Increasingly. So with the cost of living

18:45

thing, people do wanna achieve Apple.

18:46

I see. Okay.

18:47

So you moved on to PlayStation's anything

18:50

bigger and better than that. It seems

18:51

like PlayStation five.

18:52

Yeah, I I what I'm getting at is it seems like a bit of a leap

18:55

to go from, you know, stealing the odd

18:57

playstation five to then trying to

18:59

get a bajoule dike from

19:00

Museum. You know what I mean? Well, you're

19:02

not wrong there. I mean, I ended up in jail. You

19:04

know? Yeah. I got away with the PlayStation stuff for

19:06

years. And then, what? I I took too much of a

19:08

leap know sometimes you apply for a job that you haven't

19:10

really got the qualifications for. That's what

19:12

happened here. In my head, I'm like, I

19:14

could totally burglarize a

19:17

Constantinople

19:17

museum. And as we now know,

19:20

not. Yeah.

19:20

Okay. See, maybe you could have you should have

19:23

sort of built up to it a bit.

19:24

I mean, I you you said a lot of

19:27

the thoughts that I've had in prison, you know.

19:29

You know, it's not like I was III mean,

19:31

sitting in prison for years going, I probably should've

19:33

gone PlayStation. Playstation five,

19:35

some of the higher end

19:36

PCs, a car

19:39

that

19:39

you will tag that you will

19:41

tag. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

19:43

I know now. I mean, it's obvious. I'm sure to you now, a journalist.

19:46

It's

19:46

obvious. To me, a man who

19:49

basically just stole Atals. You

19:51

know, and

19:51

I could kick myself now. So

19:53

maybe, like, for example, you know, this

19:56

is all very much after the Lord mayor's

19:58

parade, but you could have done the gift

20:00

shop at the museum first just to case

20:02

and did you case the museum before you

20:07

See,

20:07

I'm feeling silly now. Now you're saying, no.

20:09

I hadn't cased it. And I and

20:11

I wanted to case it because it's a sort of thing

20:13

you feel cool doing. I'm sure you're cased in somewhere.

20:15

You people chasing things in films. I'm on a whale of

20:18

a time. What it was is I got a plane out there

20:20

and then I got a return

20:20

flight. It was cheaper if I came back

20:23

that

20:23

afternoon. If I thought ahead, they'll

20:25

be like, you know what? Spend the extra twenty

20:27

quid come tomorrow, spend ten day

20:29

case in.

20:30

Tomorrow, Robin, final. Yeah.

20:33

But I was like, I'll get in for eleven back

20:35

before three. So it really only give you off

20:37

the airport by two weeks. Only at about

20:40

forty To rob the the museum. And obviously,

20:42

you don't have to pay for any accommodation that way

20:43

either. That's the thing.

20:44

I mean, the thing is I might be a thief, but I

20:46

also don't love a bargain. I

20:48

a lot. I mean, basically, a fee for

20:51

someone who bloody loves a bargain. I mean, I want

20:53

something if nothing. You can't make a you

20:55

can't make a plane fight or a

20:57

hotel

20:57

room. That's something you can't deal. You can't put a plane down in

21:00

trousers. Okay. So tell me

21:02

about you you arrive. You've got forty

21:04

minutes on the clock particularly back in

21:06

departure? That's the bank. Yeah. So you make your way to

21:09

the museum. Just taught me through

21:11

it. So I just

21:13

basically I mean, I didn't go through the up, maybe I

21:15

should've done I went through the the air vents,

21:17

which was stupid because it's broad daylight. And

21:19

I had a the only way up is is basically

21:21

on climbing the

21:22

museum. Right?

21:24

Which is daft because I don't

21:26

climb. And the museum was open. Right?

21:29

Yeah. But you can't. You could've just got in

21:31

the front door. I again, kick in

21:34

myself or wait until the museum's

21:35

closed. But I couldn't do that because I have the flight.

21:37

Yeah.

21:37

Okay. Yeah. I'll

21:38

as well as fifteen quid to get

21:40

in. Right? Am I doing do you wanna make

21:43

that saving? Yeah. I wanna make that saving.

21:45

Also, I don't even know what money they've got in

21:47

Turkey. So I haven't changed anything. I

21:49

don't mean you know, and in all the he pictures of the queen, god

21:51

bless us all. So I like I say,

21:53

vent. So I go up there. I didn't have a ladder.

21:55

I went through the vent. Turns out

21:57

You know what? They're a they're

21:59

smaller in real life for me. I

22:02

luckily, I'd add Nick, you

22:04

know, those little tubs of furry gonna play

22:06

in for your I had a bunch of them creased

22:08

myself up and then they went because it was about

22:10

my size. Couldn't breathe. I had a asthma attack.

22:12

And if I'm honest with myself, let's

22:14

be honest about male mental

22:16

health. Had a panic attack -- Right. -- in event

22:19

in Turkey. But

22:21

it's probably a

22:21

hot event than he get in It was a hot turkey.

22:23

It wasn't yeah. God, I tell you

22:26

don't know what I was venting, but I'm cool there. God.

22:28

There it is. I'm greased up, which makes

22:30

you warm anyway. In I go. I finally

22:32

get there and I can there's a sort

22:34

of a grit in thing with

22:36

I could see lasers and stuff, which

22:39

is protecting the the

22:41

museum bits, and and I

22:43

couldn't see the

22:44

dagger. Couldn't see the daggots. I was like,

22:46

right. Well, I'm gonna have to get down there out of a popular

22:48

ground. At which

22:49

point, I just fell through

22:52

the ceiling. The ceiling underneath

22:54

Dean gave way and he crashed into one

22:56

of the galleries landing on a

22:58

security guard. It's fair to say this

23:00

wasn't part of the plan. Despite falling into the main

23:02

gallery of the museum, the bejuel

23:04

Daiger was nowhere to be seen. So

23:07

just to recap, you

23:09

haven't yet found the Bijou taggadi.

23:10

Oh, there isn't

23:11

one. There isn't one. As it turned out, so

23:14

the film's a prop. I don't mean,

23:16

better off, go into a Thai shop to get

23:18

what I was

23:18

after. Long story short, they don't have a dagger. It

23:20

was just for a film fifty years

23:23

ago. Right. I see. So

23:25

what what I'm not quite understanding is you

23:27

obviously ended up in prison. What

23:30

crime had been committed?

23:32

When the security guard did come to ask

23:34

what was going on, I just hit him in the face

23:36

of a fire extinguisher --

23:37

Mhmm. -- which is in Turkey illegal.

23:39

Yeah. That's illegal

23:40

in most jurisdictions, I think.

23:42

But again,

23:43

didn't I I haven't looked into it.

23:45

So was

23:45

that the main charge then?

23:48

The battery or the assault, what you'd what you'd call

23:50

it? That was the one that they really held against me. That's

23:52

the one I could tell look in his face. He's like

23:54

he's gonna hold us against me. I

23:57

I

23:57

assume then that the security guards called the

24:00

Turkish police. Mhmm. Yeah? Yeah. What

24:01

was your interactions with them

24:04

like? Short. Sure.

24:06

Those boys know what they're doing. They love

24:08

a headlock. And I love a headlock. But on

24:10

the other side of

24:11

it, a realist, but on this occasion, I was the

24:13

one in the headlock and it was absolutely

24:16

dreadful. Talk me to

24:17

the to the court case. Well, I

24:19

mean, I can't because I don't speak

24:22

the language. Right. I so

24:24

I mean, I could tell from the way they were looking

24:26

at me, it wasn't going my way.

24:28

And then when I ended up in prison

24:31

for four years, I was like, I reckon I lost that

24:33

one. More

24:37

after this. So my personal goal

24:40

is to eat a little bit more beef

24:42

in twenty twenty three. I eat quite a lot

24:44

in twenty twenty two, but with the help of

24:46

others, I think I can do more

24:48

this year. And to do this, I'm gonna

24:50

need help from a personal butcher, APA

24:52

to sort out the kind of admin side of things.

24:55

And a therapist.

24:57

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25:25

Dean was

25:30

sentenced and sent to a high security prison

25:32

on the outskirts of Istanbul.

25:34

It was

25:34

quite a lonely experience. I I

25:37

made friends with with

25:40

a with a mouse.

25:42

Then

25:44

after six months, Dean was moved to

25:47

a new prison, the same prison

25:49

that housed Sid

25:50

Anion. In fact, he was living

25:52

there back in twenty seventeen when

25:54

the first wrong Sedonian was

25:57

released. And basically, it the

25:59

main thing was like, how were there two people in the

26:01

Turkish prison called

26:03

Sedonian? Before this, I had never heard

26:05

the word. It sounded like his name was

26:07

Derek Jones. He's called Seidanyan. I

26:09

haven't been in the same town with who

26:10

Seidanyan. And now we are

26:13

in a Turkish prison population.

26:15

There was only twenty three people in

26:17

there. Two of them were

26:18

called Sedanian. So

26:20

it wasn't lost on you. An

26:23

extraordinary kind of coincidence that was by the same

26:25

as things. Yeah. It would max.

26:26

Yeah. Okay. And and

26:29

obviously, You're now called Sedanian,

26:31

legally speaking.

26:32

Legally speaking called Sedanian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

26:34

And you, yourself, were freed in a

26:36

very similar admin era.

26:39

How did that come to pass? Because you weren't, just to

26:41

be clear, you weren't christened Sedanian?

26:44

No. No. No. No. No. No. I wasn't

26:46

christened. Basically, what happens, we were

26:48

like, right. We got one Sedonian,

26:50

he's gone. We've got one

26:52

Sedonian left to play with beer. And

26:54

somebody had the idea, right, that

26:56

I they if we were all

26:58

called Sedanian, by the time they

27:01

sorted out, they could be they could

27:03

basically, they could pull up a van,

27:05

pile in twenty four sedamians,

27:08

driving

27:08

apartments, say, yeah. And take

27:10

a lot. Right. So so you were

27:11

hoping that that maybe a similar attempt would

27:14

happen and lo and behold as it didn't happen. Mhmm.

27:16

Yeah. So you all changed your name to Cedonia.

27:18

We all changed our name to Cedonia.

27:20

That was the main thing. Basically, the thing had been smuggling with

27:22

the prison that month were fags,

27:25

whiskey, and deep poll forms.

27:27

Right. And we're all filling it

27:29

in What do you wanna change the name to

27:31

Sid Anyan's reason for name

27:32

change? And then we just you know, that winky sort

27:35

of smiley face emoji, we would just draw that in.

27:37

So the thinking was you hopefully this happens

27:39

again, lo and behold. There

27:41

was, like, an administrative error.

27:43

There was meant to be a prisoner swap.

27:45

In which a Turkish entertainer would be sent back to

27:47

Turkey and Sardinian would be sent back

27:49

to Britain. Instead,

27:52

you came back. Tell me about how you found out that

27:54

you were going to leave. And and why didn't I

27:56

mean, it's obvious. Why in a way? Why didn't you say,

27:58

hang on. I'm I'm not the sit down in

28:00

your ass. I mean, I guess the answer to that is

28:01

obvious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not

28:04

that I found out, basically, we were on in

28:06

the yard playing

28:08

trister. And

28:10

basically, the the warden come out and

28:12

he just said, which one he

28:14

was sitting on the end?

28:15

And everyone there randomly went, I'll

28:18

have you. He's been flicking

28:20

you. Right. He's probably right. I mean, flicking

28:21

you. And I said, I I'll be

28:24

certain, you know, what do you want? And he just

28:26

bundled me into a

28:27

van? They I I would have assumed that there'd

28:29

be something like I end up, you know, speaking about,

28:31

like, the diplomatic service or

28:33

the embassy, something like that. No. They bundled me

28:35

into a van. Eighteen hours later. They opened

28:38

the van up in terms of it was a plane.

28:40

Alright. To I

28:41

just you know, it was dark. It was a van up in

28:43

a plane. It definitely must have been a plane.

28:45

Because I was an Air Force Base called

28:48

Bryce Norton. Right. Okay. So just to

28:50

be clear, when you were bundled into this

28:52

vehicle in Turkey --

28:54

Yeah. You thought

28:54

you're being bundled into a van, which is quite

28:57

quite common. Yeah. But in fact, you're being bundled into a

28:59

plane. That's not common. If you want

29:00

to be bundled into a bit of a twist.

29:02

Yeah. Yeah. Did

29:04

they stamp your passport or anything, you know, during

29:06

the bundling or is it just a classic bundling?

29:08

Oh, it was a classic bundling. I've

29:10

been bundling before. know you've been bundled a

29:12

lot, but I've had my fair share. And this

29:15

was a boom I would give it

29:17

a nine out of ten bundlers one They

29:19

just I must be on the back,

29:21

head down kicking a nakas

29:24

classic in the

29:26

quote

29:26

unquote, Van Cleet. As you are being bundled, and obviously,

29:28

it's hard to do

29:28

anything while it's being bundled. We've both

29:31

been bun you know, I've been bundled. You've

29:33

been bundled.

29:33

I can do

29:34

a Sudhakar while I get bundled. Now, that's the

29:36

experience here. Yeah. Wait.

29:38

You're I've been bundled maybe once or twice. Yeah.

29:40

How many times do you think you've

29:41

been doesn't? Doesn't If I got a pen and paper, I'll

29:44

Sudoku. While you are being bundled, were

29:46

you

29:46

able to look

29:48

back at the other inmate

29:50

and I'm what I'm interested in really is what the real original

29:53

Sedonian

29:53

was looking like because it the way you describe it,

29:56

a man comes out and says, oh, you'll

29:58

do. I assumed the actual sedan

30:00

was

30:00

saying, hang on.

30:01

I'm the

30:02

sedan. I'm the actual sedan. Everyone was saying

30:04

I'm the actual sedan with various accents.

30:06

Right. He was obviously closer.

30:09

He was him. Yeah. He sounded almost exactly

30:11

like him. Yeah. But the block didn't kick.

30:13

I think, basically, the warden was his partner,

30:15

who's the nearest Sedamians to

30:18

the Vandor? Sending me -- Yeah. -- because

30:20

that's where I used to

30:21

hang out.

30:23

No. I I

30:25

won't say what I was doing there. But

30:27

you said you were playing Twister?

30:28

Yeah. Yeah. But alright.

30:32

Listen, I this is another crime. I

30:34

was

30:34

basically running a book on twister in a Turkish

30:37

prison. So yeah.

30:39

Basically, that's what we

30:40

like. I was the ladbrokes of prison. I say it

30:42

again, sister. Right.

30:42

And your little station there where you'd take

30:45

the bets

30:45

By the door

30:46

yet. So so did you feel any guilt then knowing

30:48

that the real scenario? And obviously, you

30:50

know, all of the work that got into his

30:53

release was done by his family and not yours.

30:55

Your family as far as I'm

30:56

aware, didn't make any attempt to get

30:58

you --

30:59

No. -- repayments. I didn't find out to Lear

31:02

that on my way to

31:04

Turkey on that plane, they'd shock me in any

31:05

way. Oh, they they tipped

31:08

off

31:08

the Yeah. Right. They're like

31:10

check events. Right? They I mean, it

31:12

didn't help me in the end because I fell through.

31:15

If I've been there another four, five minutes, they'll be

31:17

like, alright? I'm like, alright? And

31:19

I'll do know what was your, like, your mom told

31:21

us. Are you a mom? Are you a mom? Are you a

31:22

mother did that? Yeah. Right.

31:24

So, you know, there's a big difference there really. We think

31:27

about Sedan's family, Pamani

31:29

and his daughter, you

31:30

know, years now, spent campaigns to

31:33

get him at prison. And

31:35

then you obviously turn

31:36

up. Do

31:37

you feel any guilt about that? Shahriar

31:39

was being bundled. They

31:42

put my head right down between my legs

31:44

as I was being carted away, sir. And I could look

31:46

at it. He was upside down, but I

31:48

could see the real Serranyan.

31:51

And he looked really

31:51

sad, genuinely sad.

31:54

And for a

31:55

moment, I

31:56

I nearly felt sad for him.

31:59

But bear my where my was. I

32:01

was more distracted by the smell of my own groin,

32:03

which was a horrible.

32:08

Okay.

32:08

And then and then obviously that you arrive in

32:10

Britain, the doors open on the on the plane,

32:12

you're in RAF, Braze Norton, and

32:14

in front of you, and I've

32:16

seen the footage is the family

32:18

of the real Sedonian. There's

32:20

the world's press. There's

32:24

dignaries, government officials, you know, it's a bit

32:26

of a circus. Right? You come

32:28

out. There's a hashtag

32:30

silence and they very quickly

32:32

realize We've done it again. We've got the wrong

32:34

sedan. How is that from your

32:36

perspective? I figured out pretty quick

32:39

what had happened there, which

32:41

made sense because I knew there was a dead end yet. Now the the

32:43

odds are these people here for the

32:45

actual man called dead

32:45

end. Yeah. And I thought, well,

32:48

it might be a while since he's seen

32:50

him. I'll try

32:51

and style it out. Right. But

32:53

but can I just but in here, what

32:55

I don't understand is what was your

32:57

long game here? What's the long game?

33:00

That you realize that it's the original Sedan's

33:02

family and you think, if I

33:04

can convince them that I am Sedanian, I

33:06

can just slip into their life

33:09

and I can start living as

33:09

him, as

33:11

of Kukwu,

33:12

his family. Is that what you were trying? I hadn't thought

33:15

you you thought about a lot more than I have.

33:18

I suppose had it had

33:20

it worked. I I would

33:22

have probably attempted to make small talk in the

33:24

car -- Mhmm. -- on the way back the house. Mhmm.

33:27

And then I probably would've got in the house and said

33:29

something like, assuming they that I am giving

33:31

myself away in the car. Yeah.

33:33

If I just gone, I'll tell you what,

33:35

gotta be on my own for a bit

33:38

because I've gotta get my old action back

33:41

for one thing. Right. Of course.

33:43

Because the ax yes. The actions Right. Yeah. Were you gonna try

33:45

and pass this off as, like, a sort of

33:47

Turkish accent? Yeah.

33:47

Definitely. Because

33:48

I didn't

33:48

tell them, you know, what this is what happens if you

33:50

get five, six years of English

33:53

accent Turkish

33:54

accent, it comes out as broadly speaking,

33:57

NEF. So

33:57

I was

33:58

gonna try that for a bit, and

34:01

then I was gonna probably sell the house and

34:03

fuck off.

34:03

Sell a

34:04

house from under them. Well,

34:06

from under everyone, including me. Yeah. I go just,

34:08

you know, make big money. Go stay in the Premier Inn

34:10

for

34:11

the rest of your life. Yeah.

34:14

Because that's

34:15

the dream for you. Have you

34:17

been in

34:17

a Turkish

34:19

prison? Premier Inn

34:21

is I would say better. Okay. But there was a

34:23

kind of element to Turkish prison about a

34:25

a primary end. Is that what you're looking for? Is that did

34:27

you feel the same amount of comfort in the prison? This

34:29

is interesting. Is that Did the

34:32

did the institution of the prison give you the kind of

34:34

structure that you've been needing all your

34:35

life? And But you're

34:35

asking if life in a Turkish prison prepared me

34:38

for life in a premier inn? Yeah. That's

34:39

kind of what I'm getting at.

34:41

Yeah. Yeah. Pammanian and the

34:43

rest of the Union family immediately

34:45

knew that Dean wasn't the real

34:47

Sedonian, and so he wasn't able to carry

34:49

out his plan to see it. Despite

34:51

him swearing blind that he was Sudanian, they

34:53

left him at the airfield and he had to

34:55

walk home to swanzy. So let's

34:58

let's talk about

35:00

your future. Your relationship with your families, isn't isn't best I'm know,

35:02

obviously, you you said your mother

35:04

called the Turkish police to to

35:07

apprehend you. So that's

35:10

obviously not a

35:11

great relationship. Who are you living

35:13

with now? I'm in your family

35:16

home. Your wife didn't look

35:18

very pleased

35:18

here. I don't know if you told her

35:20

I was coming. Was she pleased that you were back after all this time?

35:23

She had made

35:25

her own life.

35:27

I'll be honest to you. She had

35:29

I

35:30

mean, she'd married again. It was like

35:32

kind of Tom Hanks castaway

35:34

situation. No. Within again, I she

35:36

texted me on the plane because she was doing it.

35:38

So it's fairly

35:40

quick. I

35:42

I think she she's

35:44

got it, I would

35:45

say. And the kids are got it that I'm

35:48

back. I'm and

35:50

I'm back.

35:51

So you're good.

35:52

You're good at your

35:53

back. Yeah.

35:54

So what are

35:54

you left feeling that you'd rather be back in

35:57

Turkey now? Is that how long

35:58

are you hoping out now? How long

36:01

have you in months?

36:03

Yeah. Did you live

36:06

here? No.

36:06

I I don't live here.

36:09

You say your

36:11

six months, right? Then

36:12

spend an

36:13

hour in the

36:15

Turkish prison. And you tell me

36:17

what you prefer. Since

36:19

I can't necessarily afford my

36:21

premier in dream, I'll

36:24

have what's second best. Right? You haven't got to pay for

36:26

a TV license in the Turkish prison. Right?

36:29

That's one cost.

36:32

Gas.

36:34

My kids aren't there.

36:35

My wife's not

36:36

there. My wife's new

36:39

husband's not there. You see

36:41

why

36:41

I'm building up a picture of a better place to

36:44

hang out? Yes. So just to be

36:46

clear, you're living in this

36:47

house. Mhmm. With your wife who's remarried. Mhmm. So she's got two

36:50

husbands there? No. She

36:52

wouldn't call it that.

36:55

She would

36:55

say she's got Keith. And I'm not

36:58

Keith. Right. It's

36:59

Dean. So she's she's no longer

37:02

missus Lamp. No.

37:04

No. No. She's missus Keith.

37:06

I didn't have fucking heard his

37:09

first say

37:09

surname. Prick. Did you

37:10

get home with

37:11

Keith? Yeah. He's right.

37:14

A big thanks to Dean

37:16

Lampssudanian for that interview.

37:18

And any of you listening

37:20

to that and rooting for him will

37:22

be pleased to know that last week, he got on a plane

37:25

to Istanbul and ran over

37:27

a Turkish policeman in a

37:29

rented Hyundai I

37:31

ten. He was then arrested, tried, and he's back

37:34

just where he wanted to be, in

37:36

Turkish prison.

37:40

got time

37:40

for this month. But if you're after more beef

37:42

and dairy news, get over to our website

37:44

now where you'll find all the usual

37:47

stuff as well as our off topic section where

37:49

this month we push a heron

37:51

to its emotional limits and see

37:53

where it takes us. And let

37:55

me just say, It's a

37:57

real journey of

38:00

discovery. So until

38:02

next time, be found. Thanks

38:11

to Beth Air.

38:14

And Dan Thomas. Dear

38:15

reading glasses, it's been years since I've been

38:17

able to read. I missed it so much, but

38:19

I had no idea where

38:22

to start. I felt so

38:24

overwhelmed. But thanks to your

38:26

show. Now I'm back to enjoying books

38:28

again and feeling like a

38:29

reader. Love, Sarah. Yeah. That's an email we

38:32

actually answered. Okay. Maybe not that email

38:34

specifically, but one just like it because

38:36

most of our listeners

38:38

were named

38:38

narrow. We're

38:39

reading glasses and we're here to solve all

38:41

your reader problems. We give advice,

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help you find books you

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38:49

read or how you read it, we'll help you

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do it better. Reading glasses

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every week on maximum

38:55

fun. Which animal has

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39:00

Why isn't Pluto a planet. Why are b's electrically

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