0:12

It really is funny every

0:14

time, like genuine incredible

0:16

opening the

0:20

Bastards of Policy, in which I

0:22

try to keep the names of all the Bonaparte

0:24

straight and I'm gonna, be honest largely

0:27

fail at it. It's bad. It's bad.

0:30

I'm gonna get a lot easier soon. Eventually.

0:32

Louis Napoleon is the only one we have to care about

0:34

in this story. But we are, we are still,

0:37

We're at the last stage of their being multiple

0:39

Louis,

0:42

this is not your fault, and anybody

0:44

who blames you, this

0:47

is this is this is the

0:49

concept of hereditary nobility's

0:51

fault. This is why whenever

0:54

Edward Hapsburg, the heir to the Hapsburg

0:57

dynasty and a big anime fan,

0:59

po on Twitter, I sent him a

1:01

picture of his dead relative Maximilian,

1:04

the first former Emperor of Mexico. Um,

1:08

it's because of ship like this, and

1:11

because he's a weird trad cat fascist.

1:13

But I didn't know that there wasn't a live

1:16

Habsburg. That's incredible, there is.

1:18

He loves. He loves Catholic fascism

1:20

and Miyazaki films. Oh

1:23

my god, it's it's incredible.

1:25

He's an amazing poster. He's like he's

1:27

like an anime avatar type. It's

1:31

it's fucking phenomenal. I

1:33

love it. He's just like I mean, at the end of the day,

1:36

you do enough inbreeding, you're gonna just breed

1:38

four Chan posters. That's what you're gonna

1:40

do. He's a wild

1:42

character. He's

1:46

on the edge of groper dum. He's

1:49

not quite online enough to be one, really,

1:51

but he spends all of his time

1:53

traveling around the world giving lectures on Blessed

1:56

Carl, who was the last emperor of the

1:58

Australian gary An Empire. God,

2:04

let me talk about my homie, Blessed Carl.

2:07

Dude, your fucking family helped a night a conflagration

2:10

that killed tens of millions of people. Like, maybe

2:13

maybe shut the funk up, Shut the funk up

2:15

and change your name. Change your name. It's

2:17

like, you know what I like about the Hitler's I'll say this

2:19

for him, not the main one,

2:22

right, but he had family and stuff who weren't Hitler

2:24

who didn't like do the bad Hitler

2:26

stuff. All of the branches of his

2:28

family after his death independently

2:30

decided to stop having kids, and

2:33

they were all like, you know what, Hitlers,

2:36

we roll. We rolled the dice on this family

2:38

enough. I love it. Yeah, it's a

2:41

nice way of just going like, hey, you

2:43

know, you know, maybe this whole genome.

2:46

You know, my my mom was

2:48

his aunt, not her fault. She didn't do anything

2:51

right. But I just don't think we need to

2:53

have any more hitlers. Yeah, we're

2:55

gonna limit the hitlers. I think we're

2:57

good. Yeah, I love

3:00

Yeah, you gotta give it to the Hitlers and

3:03

the other hitlers.

3:05

Thank you. I'm

3:07

sorry. So there's a there's

3:09

a segment of your listenership who hates

3:13

the soundboard for them,

3:15

And there's no one I hate more than those

3:17

people hate the sound

3:19

board, also hate that I have a microphone, and

3:21

also hate that Roberts pronounces things.

3:24

And so we just have the trifecta for help for

3:26

them this episode. They keep

3:28

listening. They're like a heroin addict

3:30

who would would shoot his

3:32

dealer if he could work up the courage.

3:35

So suck

3:38

it, he

3:48

Barrell, he's the deputys.

3:50

Anyways, listen upon yourself the water,

3:53

I have a family. It is the world's only

3:55

the Wire podcast. I'm Atlee. Hell

3:57

yeah, maybe so. By the summer

3:59

of eighteen thirty five, Louis Napoleon

4:02

had met a man who finally set his

4:04

life on a purposeful track. And this is again

4:06

Gilbert Persigny, who is the

4:08

ass kisser who convinces him, Hey, man,

4:11

people don't like the current king that much, but they

4:13

love the ship out of the memory of

4:15

your uncle. You could work this

4:18

into something. You can make some ship out of this,

4:20

And Persigny convinces him

4:22

that the Bonapartist cause is still so

4:24

popular in France that this would be an

4:26

easy task for Louis himself to accomplish.

4:29

Within weeks, Louis was stating this opinion

4:32

as his own, saying quote, if the Napoleon

4:34

at cause has left fond memories in the hearts

4:36

of the French people, then all I should have to do is

4:38

present myself, standing quite alone, without

4:40

even troops at my side, before the people,

4:43

and remind them of their recent grievances and past

4:45

glory, and they will rally to my flag.

4:47

Believe me, I know my France. He

4:50

has barely spent any time in his

4:52

life and part

4:55

time in Italy. He's he has a German

4:57

ass accent. I know,

5:00

I know my France. It's

5:02

this one thing. I know. It's France. I

5:05

was born in St. Louis and have like

5:08

vague memories of my time there before we

5:10

moved to Oklahoma, and maybe be like, I

5:12

know the people of St. Louis. Don't

5:14

tell me about South St. Louis.

5:16

I know them. I listened

5:19

to the song Meet Louis.

5:21

Yes, don't worry, I will. I know

5:23

about Ted Drew's That's the only

5:25

thing I remember about St. Louis. Dope ass

5:28

frozen yogurt um

5:30

or maybe it sucks. I don't remember. I was

5:32

like nine the last time I ate there.

5:35

Like, here's this

5:37

thing I can't verify is cool from a

5:39

very long time ago podcast

5:42

podcasts, That's right. Louis

5:46

Napoleon sets upon a cunning plan, which

5:48

is that he's just gonna like march his way

5:50

into France to this garrison

5:52

at Strasbourg where there's like ten

5:55

thousand soldiers. And he likes

5:57

that because if he assumes, I just gotta

5:59

say hi to those soldiers and they'll be like Linborough

6:02

and then we can all march to Paris. And this is he

6:05

thinks that this will work for him because this is kind

6:07

of how Napoleon had retaken power,

6:09

that is how he did it essentially, that

6:11

is how he did it. However, he

6:14

did that because he had won dozens of battles

6:16

against long odds and conquered all of Western

6:18

Europe for for France. Right yeah, yeah,

6:21

he had like a track record. Yeah

6:25

yeah. Whereas Louis Napoleon

6:27

is most famous for getting his older brother killed

6:29

in Italy, so

6:33

before he does, to his credit, he does try

6:35

to do a little bit of groundwork before he just walks

6:37

off to Strasbourg. He you know,

6:39

from from his base of operations in London,

6:42

reaches out to the commanding general of the garrison,

6:44

like sends him a letter being like, I want

6:46

to come and take your garrison to retake

6:49

France. This guy, being not

6:51

a complete idiot, sends the letter

6:53

to his bosses and it's like, hey,

6:56

the they aired a Napoleon

6:58

bonapartum might be tried. It's over the country

7:00

in a little while. Guy. It's I was thinking

7:03

of just letting him do it because it would be

7:05

funny, but I thought i'd let you guys know check

7:08

in. I will just check in on this, like

7:10

it's not in the manual. It's

7:14

gonna fails. Could be pretty funny.

7:17

Um, Louis Napoleon is

7:19

not able to convince this guy or any like generals.

7:21

But there's a couple of colonels and majors who had

7:23

like fought in Napoleon Bonaparte's army

7:26

and are like, I guess unhappy

7:28

enough with the regime that they're like, yeah, man, we'll fight.

7:30

So he gets some people to agree to

7:33

back him in the French military.

7:35

Here's how the Shadow Emperor describes

7:37

what happened next. At

7:41

six o'clock on Monday the thirty October

7:43

eighteen thirty six, Swiss Army

7:45

Captain Lewis Napoleon Bonaparte, now

7:47

disguised in the uniform of a French colonel,

7:49

attended by French General Vaudre and

7:52

ten officers including Gilbert Persigny,

7:54

marched into the Strasburg Garrison to the barracks

7:57

of the forty six Infantry Regiment, where

7:59

Colon Old Bonaparte appealed to the men to join

8:02

him. Unfortunately, they completely

8:04

rejected the young man and the name of Bonaparte,

8:06

much to the astonishment of the Prince, and

8:08

from then on it turned into a shambles. Although

8:10

they managed to seize the commanding general

8:13

thea Pilavoiril in his office. He

8:15

then escaped through a back door and was saved

8:17

by his staff officers, joined by

8:19

Barrillo's Barrillo's hysterical mother

8:21

in law and wife, who then pummeled the bewildered

8:24

Swiss captain with the barrage of fists. By

8:27

eight o'clock, the coup was over and the invaders

8:29

were behind locked doors. Louis

8:31

Napoleon loses his coup because

8:34

the mom and daughter Mom,

8:36

the mother and wife of the guy he tries to kidnap,

8:39

beat him up. It

8:42

was wonderful. I love it. Doesn't

8:44

even get stopped by the army

8:47

guys. Mom starting and we

8:49

almost won. Uh and sends

8:52

a muzzle came out and started punching me, and I

8:54

was like, wow, I was not ready for this. I

8:56

was not ready. It was this my vachalo.

9:01

By the way, I do love that he mostly

9:03

as a German accent because it means I can start

9:06

doing my German accent. We can't.

9:08

That is why I picked this. I was I was planning

9:10

this for another guest, and then I was like, spoke

9:12

French with a German accent. Get mad

9:14

on the phone. That's me, baby, Sophie.

9:16

Turn on the matt lead signal. When

9:23

you can't do accents, all accents are correct.

9:26

So the same people that hate your

9:28

soundboard also hate

9:30

and you know what, fuck

9:33

m fuck them. So

9:39

a lot of people are very amused by this

9:42

coup attempt. The London Times sums

9:44

it up as ridiculous. The

9:46

Frankfurters tone calls him an unbalanced

9:49

young man and asks, what on

9:51

earth did he possibly expect to achieve?

9:55

Um? Now, glory? I think,

9:58

yes, yeah, it seems

10:00

like it was the plan. I think it was going for

10:02

like glory and something

10:05

something chill. At least some

10:07

girls comes up a little short. So

10:10

since the good news is that nobody gets hurt

10:12

in this attempt, right, the most

10:14

injuries anyone suffers is Louis Napoleon

10:17

getting beaten up by two ladies. Incredible.

10:22

So Charles the Tenth is

10:25

looking at this situation is like, well, nobody's

10:27

dead. This is pretty comical, and like

10:30

if I try to execute him or

10:32

like put him up, that's just gonna be more

10:34

visibility. And he is a bonaparte, right,

10:36

Like, I don't want to fuck

10:38

that much with a bonaparte because things are

10:40

not things are not great for Charles the Tenth

10:43

right, he is not on a super solid

10:45

and he just kind of he kind of just wants this to

10:47

go away, right, hoping that like he's not going to try

10:49

a second time to overthrow the government. Um

10:52

So, let's just, you know, let's

10:54

just try and deal with this amiably. So

10:57

he he gives Louis Napoleon

10:59

two thousand dollars in a bag

11:01

and takes him to a harbor where he's put on a

11:03

boat for New York City. Um So, Louis

11:06

Philip is like, yeah, just take this bag

11:08

of cash and get the funk out of here. Here's

11:10

two hundred thousand dollars, and

11:12

has his soldiers take Louis uh

11:15

Napoleon to a harbor and he sails

11:17

to New York City to have a vacation. I

11:19

do love that. Like, if you want to know

11:22

why uh fail suns

11:24

continually get chances over,

11:26

it's because when they do something really stupid

11:29

that any other person would be executed over,

11:31

you give them two hundred dollars in a free vacation.

11:34

I agree with you. You know, it's

11:36

fair to say this was a complicated problem

11:39

for the to deal with, because but yeah,

11:41

I think I think you gotta hang him right,

11:43

that just that should be the rule. With Goose, I

11:46

think that's a regular rule. I think we've

11:48

all agreed to this rule. Well,

11:50

I mean we're having this problem now and

11:52

I kind of think we should have hung anyway.

11:54

Whatever. You know, you know my feelings on on the former

11:57

president. Yeah, if

11:59

they say it, but uh, the

12:03

lesson with Louis Napoleon

12:05

and the lesson with Hitler, and maybe the

12:07

lesson with the Trump is that, like, if people keep

12:10

trying to take over the government, you

12:12

have to you have to stop them permanently.

12:15

They won't give up just because it doesn't work.

12:17

Once. Have you guys watched a single

12:19

episode of Pinky in the Brain? You think

12:21

he stops every time he fails

12:23

to take over the world, the brain

12:26

keeps going. You

12:28

gotta hang the brain.

12:31

As embarrassing as the first

12:34

coup attempt goes, Louis Napoleon

12:36

isn't that put out by it. He is a good vacation.

12:39

He gets to go to the US. He loves the United

12:41

States, finds it fascinating. He's

12:43

especially this is a very exciting mid eighteen

12:45

hundreds. A lot of technology is getting off the ground

12:48

for the first time. He gets to see in

12:50

person, some of the first American experiments

12:52

with electricity. He gets to watch like

12:54

very early trains, which France doesn't really

12:56

have yet. Like France is still

12:59

in a lot of ways and at evil economy, like

13:01

all transit is like carriages and ship

13:03

like they are not there's not they're not industrializing.

13:07

Um. So while he's away, he does have

13:09

a trial in absentia in France

13:11

and it results surprisingly in him being acquitted.

13:14

Um and this is for it

13:16

doesn't like again, the Bonapartes have a lot of

13:18

sympathy and there's a lot of things that get sucked

13:21

up in this trial. It's not really worth getting that into, but he

13:23

gets acquitted. Um.

13:25

Lewis enjoys the United States. He finds

13:27

a soothing break from his failed attempt to take the

13:29

French throne. He does if you

13:31

want to know what he thinks about America, he

13:33

notes in his diary that American slavery

13:36

seems to be quote a bad thing.

13:38

Um, so I'll give him

13:40

that. I'll give him that again

13:44

when when people talk about well, you know, it

13:46

was just the times, like this guy sucks ass

13:48

and he looks at Americans like, oh no,

13:51

this is shitty.

13:53

COO's getting beat up by a couple sucks

13:56

and he's like, like, slavery

13:59

is bad. This is uh

14:02

yeah, this is this is this is really this is

14:04

really unpleasant. Co attempt

14:07

was ridiculous, but this owning

14:09

people. He finds himself really admiring

14:11

technology, how how how how

14:14

enterprising Americans are with technology,

14:17

how much they embrace like new things, how

14:19

modern they are. But he also decides

14:21

and concludes and letters back to his friends and family

14:24

that the country, the new nation, is deficient

14:26

in what he calls moral force, and

14:29

he lays this at the United States as immaturity.

14:31

Quote. In principle, every American

14:34

colony is a real republic. It is

14:36

an association of men who, with equal

14:38

rights, have agreed together to develop the products

14:40

of their country. It matters little whether they have

14:42

a governor or president for their chief. They

14:44

require only a few police regulations.

14:47

Here. There is freedom to acquire, but not

14:49

freedom to enjoy. There is the right to

14:51

act, but not to think, which

14:54

I actually find surprisingly act.

14:56

Yeah, that's kind of hit

14:59

the nail on head there. That's not a bad

15:01

summarado for us now, Yeah, yeah,

15:04

no, that's that has remained true. Yeah,

15:06

credit where it's due. He kind of had our number.

15:09

Um, so he had to cut

15:12

his trip to the United States short after about

15:14

six months. I think he wanted to spend more time seem

15:16

more of a continent. But then his mom gets

15:18

sick, um, and you know, he's a mom's boy.

15:21

He returns home to be with her while she

15:23

died. She dies in his arms, YadA, YadA, YadA.

15:25

Sad stuff. Look, they've all been dead for two hundred years.

15:27

Don't think too much about it. Once he's done

15:29

grieving, it's time to get right back to his ultimate

15:32

goal, which is still to become the Emperor

15:34

of France, he goes plotting.

15:37

He goes back to England um with

15:39

a kotterie of backers. He does decide

15:41

to like, Yeah, he goes back to England

15:44

with this kotterie of backers, a Mitch of a mix of

15:46

bankers, financiers, former French military

15:48

officers, and kanmen pretending to be

15:50

former French military officers, and he decides

15:52

to put together a more ambitious plan

15:54

to seize the throne. And we're gonna

15:57

talk about all of that and his flight from Switzerland.

15:59

But first, Matt, how do

16:01

you how do you how do you feel

16:04

about the concept that out there

16:06

the largest freshwater bodies

16:09

are just sitting around our

16:11

border with Canada, fucking

16:14

fat and lazy.

16:20

We know, goddamn well, they're not, you

16:23

know, be any natural borders

16:26

to Canada. Socialist

16:29

Lakes, Socialist lakes.

16:31

This has been a paid advertisement for the campaign

16:34

to fucking nuke the

16:36

goddamn ship out of the Great Lakes

16:39

the lakes, turn it into steam, use

16:42

that steam to power engines lakes.

16:45

That's right, that's right. We could be nuking all

16:47

the lakes by this time. We

16:51

create by blowing up the lakes, and

16:53

we'll get water in southern California.

16:55

Again, no

16:58

one's proven it wouldn't work that way.

17:00

Yeah, science, get

17:03

ahead of it. A lake

17:05

nuke a couple of lakes anyway,

17:08

Speaking of nuking lakes, Yeah,

17:13

okay,

17:18

you were about to take a commercial break. Yeah,

17:20

this is a break. We've we've got a we've got a

17:22

minute. Let's take it. Oh

17:30

my god, we're back from

17:32

outer space. I just walked

17:35

in to find Matt leeb here with

17:38

that face.

17:40

Oh wow, okay, sorry, no,

17:43

no, that's the way you do it. Yes, and you know you

17:45

just just building baby I

17:48

do yes, and my version

17:50

is yes, And was that okay?

17:52

I always like to ask that after yes?

17:56

And was I allowed to ad like that? That's how

17:58

I go? Was that accept to you? Yes?

18:00

This is why I failed at the Groundlings.

18:05

God, I just kidding. I never did the Groundlings.

18:07

I've never taken an improv class and

18:10

neither of I. I knew too many people who were into

18:13

improv and decided absolutely

18:15

not ever never ever. Yeah,

18:18

it is weird because like one out of

18:21

a hundred of the like improvisers

18:23

that I know or that I've seen, I'm like,

18:25

that's the funniest person I've ever seen. But

18:27

then that means nine nine are

18:31

just terrible. Look, every

18:34

terrible improv person we've ever

18:36

needed. Was was was was

18:38

just the price we all paid as a society

18:40

to get Tim Robinson exactly

18:42

exactly, and you know what, it's still not worth

18:44

it. And

18:47

a lot of people want to say, like, oh, well, you know, stand

18:49

up comedy is also bad. Yeah, but at least stand

18:51

up comics are sad and bad,

18:54

you know, it is improvisers they're

18:56

just like happy and bad and that's

18:59

not fair. Is it is very funny

19:01

that like anyway that would

19:03

be getting too far off topic. Let's talk more about

19:06

Louis motherfucking Napoleon.

19:08

So, by eighteen thirty seven,

19:10

when Louis Napoleon tried his ill fated attempt

19:12

to coup the French government, the first first one, he

19:15

had already been let himself become completely obsessed

19:17

with the idea of taking back the crown of his uncle from

19:19

King Louis Philippe. The fact that his punishment

19:21

for that coup had not even amounted to a slap

19:24

on the wrist putting back they in fact, they've

19:26

paid vacation meant that he had not

19:28

been incentivized against trying again.

19:30

But if if you spent a

19:32

day failing to take over France

19:35

and got like lightly beaten up,

19:38

and then was given two d thousand dollars, do

19:40

you think you might try to take over France

19:42

again? Matt, I mean, I would just assume that

19:45

that's how I get more money. Yeah, I would

19:47

do it. A second. Absolutely, I'd be

19:49

like, well, that's a job. Apparently my

19:51

job is trying to take over

19:53

France every once in a while to America

19:56

have fun. Behavioral psychology

19:58

is a complex field. People will

20:00

agree when you give someone two hundred

20:02

thousand dollars. That's an incentive.

20:05

Yeah. Um,

20:10

no, you really don't. This is very

20:12

simple economics. Yeah, this is human

20:14

behavior, even for To his

20:17

credit, former King Louis Bonaparte

20:19

tries desperately to stop his son from

20:21

continuing this course of action. He

20:24

begs Louis Napoleon to take his gifts

20:26

and his talents and pursue a worthy

20:28

life somewhere fall far outside

20:30

of politics. An improv please,

20:34

Napoleon. Yeah, He begs

20:36

him to to avoid quote what are

20:38

referred to as the great affairs of the world.

20:40

He's basically, look, man, I know you want to be in

20:42

power. You like the idea of like

20:45

being this huge historical figure. I

20:47

was a big historical figure, and it actually

20:49

sucks. Don't do it. He is desperately

20:52

trying to give his son the best advice possible.

20:55

His kid does not listen. Um,

20:58

he is he urged. Again. To his credit,

21:00

he's like, quote, enjoy some real pleasure

21:02

during this brief existence of ours, Like, don't

21:05

why do you want this job? Just like you're

21:07

you're a rich kid. You you hit the like inheritance

21:10

jackpot. Just live your life and enjoy it,

21:13

Like make some art, or something. Um,

21:15

Louis Napoleon is not going to take this advice.

21:18

So the fridge guy that

21:20

keeps buying me guitars and telling me to

21:22

start a band, and he's really pissing me off.

21:26

I don't want to be in a band. I want

21:28

to control an army and invade

21:30

arbitrarily. Louis Napoleon

21:32

like sits down at the end of his son's bed, like,

21:34

hey, there, Champ, how you doing. I just wanted to you.

21:37

Ever tried you, ever tried

21:39

cocaine? You might really like it. Actually,

21:42

you know what, started trying to get me to do

21:44

coke? Paying these hookers to come over

21:46

in party with you. We got a rave rooms set

21:48

up in the in the feast home. Why don't you just do

21:50

that the rest of your life? You want to take some

21:52

e with me? Oh?

21:55

I love it. I love that He's just doing

21:57

anything possible to get him to not

21:59

be into doing war. He's

22:02

just like, no, Daddy, I do not want

22:04

to fox these ladies anymore. It

22:07

is so funny trying to so

22:12

the French. The French government keeps heavy

22:15

like police, secret police surveillance on

22:17

the entire Bonaparte family. Now, um,

22:20

and this is again. Louis's family

22:22

are never happy with him. He gets his brother

22:24

killed, he gets them forced out of Italy, and now

22:27

there's like spooks watching their every move.

22:29

So it's this is not pleasant for anybody.

22:31

When the French government realizes that he's

22:33

going to try again, they start pushing on Switzerland

22:36

to eject Louis from the country again.

22:38

They don't really want to kill him or anything. They just

22:40

like Switzerland's right on the border

22:42

of France, so they're like, let's try to

22:44

force him to get further away. Um.

22:47

This goes so far as King Louis Philippe

22:49

sends an army of twenty thousand men to the

22:51

border of Switzerland. Like Switzerland

22:54

and France are kind of on the edge of a major war

22:56

for a little while. Um.

22:59

But and in this causes problems

23:01

for Louis Napoleon in Switzerland, but it

23:03

does not have the effect that Louis Philippe

23:06

wants it to have because war tensions

23:08

between the two countries are high for months, which means

23:10

the news is constantly reporting on this, which means

23:12

Louis Napoleon's name is constantly

23:15

in the French papers. Um. If

23:17

you remember Donald Trump, UM, publicity

23:21

is good publicity for guys like this,

23:23

and it keeps him, It keeps him popular,

23:26

keeps his name alive, it keeps people talking about him.

23:28

Um and and kind of even being

23:30

vaguely near to an attempt on power

23:33

is worth it because it again, it keeps his name out in front

23:35

of people. He's learning through this,

23:37

Louis Napoleon, the same lesson that like Trump

23:39

and a lot of other authoritarians,

23:42

like populist authoritarians, are gonna learn a

23:44

long time later. One French minister

23:46

wisely noted at the time, quote, no

23:48

one in France can ever again forget Louis Napoleon's

23:51

name, and soon he will be even more dangerous

23:53

than he was before the Strasbourg affair. He's

23:56

kind of the first. And again he to his credit,

23:58

he's not unaware of this. He realizes,

24:01

like, even though this doesn't work, it's just kind

24:03

of worth it to keep trying, because

24:06

people, you know, if you keep people talking

24:08

about you, that's part of what you need to do in order

24:10

to succeed at this thing, especially

24:12

if you're like you know, um

24:15

letting people think you're just ridiculous the whole

24:17

time. Yeah, yeah, and at this point he is,

24:19

and to his credit, he does care

24:22

about his adopted home of Switzerland enough

24:24

that he leaves forever to spare it, you know,

24:26

the trouble of being invaded by France possibly

24:29

Uh, he goes to London, um, which

24:31

is you know number one, the Brits

24:34

are happy to have him because even though

24:36

they didn't have a good relationship with the Bonapartes,

24:39

the British are kind of always quarreling

24:41

with France. So now that he's

24:43

contra to the people ruling

24:45

in France, it's like, yeah, we want

24:47

a bat like anything that fox with France a little

24:49

bit enemy dog exactly.

24:52

Um. And also like France

24:54

can't threaten England. Nobody nobody

24:56

can threaten English right now? Like yeah,

25:00

um, we got called the boat

25:04

ship in boats, yeah you've got you

25:06

old people, but yeahin't got no boat.

25:11

What are you gonna do? You just effortlessly

25:14

summed up three hundred and fifty years of British

25:16

foreign You

25:22

have to take a boat. Waters

25:28

are cold enough to be frozen so you

25:30

can walk over you. So it

25:35

is funny to think if there had been like one

25:37

cold snap in like the period from

25:39

sixteen hundred to nineteen forty

25:41

where people could have walked across the England

25:43

would have been got nothing, absolutely

25:46

gone, So

25:49

that would have been awesome. Yeah, so

25:52

um yeah. He goes to London

25:55

and he takes with him Gilbert per Sydney and around

25:57

like twenty other of his big supporters,

25:59

including an Italian banker named Giuseppe

26:02

or C who's going to be funding his next

26:04

attempt to take power. I'm

26:07

gonna give you the money, you know, I'm

26:09

just doing all accents, you're

26:12

Pinio. So

26:17

gives them all trampled documents, mostly because

26:20

again they figure he's gonna funk with France again, which

26:22

is correct. So he spends the next little bit

26:24

a couple of years living in England,

26:27

in London, specifically, he goes to all these high

26:29

society parties. He's very he's very in

26:31

demand. You know, he's Napoleon's nephew, he's

26:33

Prince Bonaparte um.

26:35

And he makes a lot of connections with powerful

26:38

backers in other parts of Europe who

26:40

want to funk with France for some reason or another.

26:43

Um, and he starts plotting his next coup attempt.

26:45

He also, you know, to his credit, he's not

26:48

he's done in a lot of ways. He's not a complete

26:51

moron either. He pays attention very

26:53

successfully to the way the British Empire does

26:56

things. One biographer describes

26:58

him as being quote greatly impressed by the English

27:00

obsession with foreign travel and exotic

27:02

places. And when they say travel

27:04

here, they are not talking

27:07

about tourists, they're nots

27:10

Yeah. In eighteen thirty

27:12

nine, while he's in London, the British Empire takes

27:14

possession of Hong Kong and the East India

27:17

Company occupies Adden. Um.

27:19

So that's what he means by travel. So

27:22

as his plans for imperial glory

27:24

solidify, so too does his political

27:26

understanding of what has gone wrong in

27:28

his home country. France, again in this period,

27:30

is basically medieval in a lot of respects.

27:32

Their economy is ancient, it

27:34

is, it is decrepit. Again. There's

27:37

fucking trains in the in the

27:40

UK, in the UK and in the United States and

27:42

a number of other places. Everything in France

27:44

is still done by like horses driving around

27:46

wagons, like percent of transit,

27:49

praying to God that the harvest

27:51

comes in and yeah,

27:53

says, they don't got much in the way

27:55

of technology. It's bad. Um.

27:57

Social life has also stagnated again.

27:59

But as King Louis Philippe as as a

28:02

kind of avanchist. You know, he's trying

28:04

to take things back to the absolute monarchy days,

28:06

not with a ton of success um.

28:09

And yeah, the the

28:12

emperor or the king's hold on power is

28:14

just is not great. Alan

28:16

Strausschaum sums up with Louis Napoleon

28:18

took from this in his writings from eighteen forty.

28:21

The fundamental vice which is eating away at France

28:23

today is the exaggerated interpretation of

28:25

the rights of the individual of his scorn

28:27

for authority. Now this is

28:29

the real Louis Napoleon speaking. The people

28:32

were already to independent. Now,

28:34

yes, there should be popular elections, but

28:36

the people must vote as they were directed. And that

28:38

is precisely how he intended to run his future

28:40

empire. Give the masses the vote, but all

28:43

voting would be dictated by the leader of the country

28:45

a la Bonaparte. Napoleon the First

28:47

had, of course, completely manipulated his national

28:49

plebiscites without apologies. That system

28:52

worked, so

28:54

it did. That's that's his thinking. Later

28:57

that year, still convinced that the people of France

28:59

would him and Moss if he just presented

29:01

himself to them in the right way. Napoleon

29:04

attempted a second coup. By

29:06

this point, he fully believed that he was meant

29:08

by God to take up his uncle's legacy

29:10

and lead France into a second empire.

29:12

He wrote to his followers, from time

29:14

to time, men are created whom I call volunteers

29:17

of Providence, in whose hands are placed

29:20

the destiny of their countries. I believe

29:22

I am one of those men. If I am wrong, I

29:24

can perish uselessly. If I am right,

29:26

then Providence will put me into a position to

29:29

fulfill my mission. Again, how about

29:31

both? When

29:33

when people say I believe I'm a volunteer

29:36

of Providence and the destiny

29:38

of nations is in my hands, I believe I

29:40

have been chosen by God to do this, you

29:43

have a moral responsibility to hit them with a

29:45

brick, right anyone

29:48

who says that, give him a bricking. That is

29:50

that is fascism, one on one ship

29:52

right now, in a lot of ways. Part of way I

29:54

picked him Louis Napoleon. He's not a fascist.

29:57

Fascist does not exist yet. But

29:59

he is the most direct

30:01

precursor to twentieth century fascism

30:04

that you get prior to that period. He is

30:06

in a lot and we're building to like a lot of

30:08

why that becomes the case. But you can see it here this

30:10

idea that I saw, his idea that is

30:13

very hilarian and Mussolinian. However,

30:15

you say that I somehow, I as an individual

30:18

embody the national will and

30:20

have been kind of chosen by provenance

30:22

to to take this country in

30:25

a direction like away from to steer

30:27

it and where it needs to go right, Like

30:29

that is very much

30:31

a fascist attitude. It's it's

30:34

it's not again. Fascism owes

30:36

a lot of its DNA to feudalism

30:38

and you and that's kind of why I find Napoleon

30:40

the third interesting is he sort of represents because

30:42

he's also kind of a republican,

30:44

but in the way that the republic should exist to

30:48

justify my reign um.

30:50

Interesting guy, interesting period. Yeah,

30:53

it's the proto fascism

30:55

in that it's like the esthetics

30:57

of the past in his

31:00

street is what he's driving

31:02

on. Like that's it's not just the feudalism,

31:05

you know, totalitarian authoritarianism.

31:07

It's also remember

31:09

the glorious past, and I represent

31:12

it in blood. That is proto

31:14

fascism to a t. It sure

31:16

is my friend. It shure is so

31:19

our man charters a steamboat with fifty

31:21

six men. Um. Some of them are

31:24

former military officers and a few others

31:26

are guys who have been like leading

31:28

hunts and stuff. They're like the kind of servants

31:30

who take rich guys on hunts. But most

31:32

of them are like bankers, political functionaries,

31:35

journalists, guys who are not going to

31:37

be useful in a fight. Right, Um,

31:39

this is his This is his coup attempt squad,

31:42

and this is I gotta tell you. We talk

31:45

about coups quite often on on this

31:47

show. We've talked about the Wonga coup, which is a very

31:49

funny failed coup. There's elements

31:51

of humor and Hitler's failed coup and a

31:53

number of other failed cues. This

31:55

is the funniest coup failure I have ever heard

31:58

of. This is this is a

32:00

mazing. So the

32:03

whole attempt has been funded by Count

32:05

Giuseppe Orsi. Was this banker. He secured

32:07

like two point two million ish modern

32:10

equivalent dollars. When I say a number

32:12

of like how much money ship's worth, I'm always speaking

32:14

like the equivalent modern term like this

32:17

many francs, because what a sixteen thousand

32:19

francs mean to anybody listening to like

32:21

whatever? Um about two point two million

32:23

modern dollars in funding from a variety of backers.

32:26

So this boat with these fifty six

32:28

dudes on it nears the French coast

32:30

and Louis Napoleon orders everybody, most

32:33

of whom don't know what they're doing entirely. They've

32:35

been following Louis Napoleon, but like he

32:37

only keeps a couple of people in the loop is to the

32:39

plan. So once they get off the French coast,

32:41

he tells everybody get into these French army

32:43

uniforms. We're all gonna dress like French regular

32:46

French soldiers. Where's the hat? Put

32:49

the hat on? I gets a big one.

32:52

The biggest hat is mind, The biggest hat

32:55

is mine. I gets a good soul. But you guys

32:57

get so they all are armed

32:59

with copy is a French army guns that they've

33:01

purchased in Birmingham. Again, the

33:03

gun industry, there's not really any gun control in

33:05

most of you know, the European states at

33:08

a lot at least a number of them at this point. So

33:10

like in England, you could just kind of easily

33:12

pick up copies of the kinds of guns, the French

33:15

hues and vice versa. So they have like

33:17

copies of French army guns,

33:19

and they have French uniforms that this banker

33:22

has bought, and they're kind of dressing as

33:24

regular soldiers now, and the most

33:26

of them are. In the Strasbourg attempt, Louis

33:28

Napoleon had worn the uniform of a colonel.

33:31

He had never been a colonel anywhere, but certainly

33:33

not in the French army. For this next attempt,

33:35

he promoted himself to major general.

33:38

Figurings, maybe the issue

33:40

when I got beat up by those two ladies

33:42

was that I have enough. Yeah,

33:48

if I had the stars, if

33:51

I had the stars and all the stripes, and people

33:53

would be like, oh wait, we can't hit him. Well, no, don't

33:55

hit him. Look at all the ranks on his shoulders.

33:57

He's a major general, not

34:00

just a colonel. So once

34:02

everyone is equipped, he delivers a stirring

34:04

speech, friends, companions

34:07

of my destiny, I have drawn up a

34:09

plan. We are going to France.

34:11

There we will find powerful, devoted

34:14

friends vaiting on us. The soul

34:16

of Jack Obstacle is bolown, but

34:18

once it is removed, final success

34:20

is certain. And if I am supported and

34:22

reinforced there, which is as certain

34:24

as the sun in the sky, we will

34:27

be in Paris within a matter of days.

34:29

I've slipped out of the accent. No, you

34:31

went into French, which was impressive. Yeah,

34:34

then history will say that with just a handful

34:36

of such brave men as you, I shall

34:38

have achieved this grand and glorious undertaking.

34:42

So he gives a speech, now,

34:44

the chief military advisor on this coup

34:46

attempt, Right, the man who is supposed to because they're

34:48

supposed to be building an army as

34:50

they walk along these areas to eventually

34:52

confront the king in battle. Right, that's the idea.

34:57

So he has a general with him, right,

34:59

you know, because he's he's humble

35:01

enough to know I've never commanded an army in the field. I should

35:04

probably have somebody who has. And the general

35:06

that he has to run the military side of

35:08

this coup attempt is Major General

35:10

Tristan d Month alone. Now,

35:14

impressive name. Right, Here's

35:16

how the book The Shadow Emperor describes this

35:18

guy. Just About everything about

35:20

him was either phony or bizarre, beginning with the

35:22

title he used of Marquis he was only

35:24

account and quite a new one at that, allegedly

35:27

wounded and having served with Napoleon from a

35:29

hohen Linden to Waterloo. It was all lies.

35:32

Indeed, he not only had never served

35:34

on a single battlefield, but he had refused

35:36

to do so when so ordered. Not content

35:38

with that, he had renewed, reneged on gambling

35:41

debts, and topped that off by stealing the regimental

35:43

pay of his own officers. Despite

35:45

all he had somehow hoodwinked Napoleon

35:47

and accompanied him to Saint Helena, where he

35:49

became his final confidante. Promised

35:52

a major legacy from Napoleon's will. Month

35:54

Alon had, on at least two occasions administered

35:57

arsenic and Napoleon's wine, greatly

35:59

weakening him in leading to his death. And

36:01

it was the charlatan, coward, thief and

36:03

murderer whom Louis Napoleon had unwittingly

36:05

appointed to his campaign. That

36:08

is beautiful, That

36:11

is beautiful. I love it. He was just

36:13

like, yeah, you know, this

36:15

guy is wearing all the right clothes.

36:18

He knows my dad, he knows my

36:20

uncle. Yeah, yeh knows my uncle.

36:22

And uh, you know he said he was in

36:24

Saint Helena used to give him lots of drinks.

36:27

It was fun. Yeah, he'll

36:30

take Come on, he's been a general, so

36:32

of course I trust him. Look at that's my It's

36:35

great. He gives me such confidence.

36:37

He's a true confidence man. Now

36:40

I will give Louis Napoleon some credit.

36:42

The boat guys he hired do their job

36:44

competently. They get everyone to shore,

36:46

everyone gets to France and his on

36:49

France, which has given how the rest of this

36:51

goes kind of amazing. I gotta

36:53

say, you know it's gonna go bad when you're

36:55

giving credit to the guys who made the

36:57

boat go. Yeah, they did. They did succeed

37:00

in reaching land from the sea away.

37:05

That is the last success, and in fact, the

37:08

landing is not a huge success. They do get

37:10

to shore, but they're not great at

37:12

it, and so they make a lot of noise. Job

37:18

he told us it was quiet, right, I just don't

37:21

different guy's job. No one ever said I was quiet

37:24

boat. So I take boat

37:26

from point a point bust

37:29

a customs agent. Here's them coming to shore

37:32

like a like a customs guy, guy

37:34

whose job is to make sure boats don't land in France

37:36

without like paying taxes and he like walks

37:38

up to them and it's like, so,

37:41

what's a what's going on here?

37:44

And they lie, they say they're soldiers

37:46

from the nearby regiment and they tell them like, we're

37:48

from this regiment. That's the regiment billeted in the

37:50

city. But they get the name of the regiment

37:52

wrong, which this guy knows because he lives

37:55

here. So he's like, that's kind of suspicious.

37:57

Soldiers usually know what regiment they're

37:59

in. Also,

38:02

the guy in charge speaks in a German

38:05

accent that's peculiar French

38:10

and six Airborne.

38:16

This is one thing we know. It's we are

38:19

definitely not invading. This

38:23

customs agent gets further suspicious

38:26

because when he asks questions of the group,

38:29

they there's not like, you know, normally

38:31

you have a military unit and you, as another

38:34

member of the military and an official capacity,

38:36

ask questions of that unit. Normally,

38:38

like one person is going to reply right

38:41

because there's a chain of command, and like someone

38:44

is going to be in charge of that unit and he will answer

38:46

for them, which is generally how things

38:48

work in armies. Instead,

38:51

every time he asks a question, like people

38:53

will be quiet and then like replies will come at

38:55

random from different members of the group, most

38:58

Napoleon, the guy dressed

39:00

as a general, Louis Napoleon is

39:02

too anxious, he gets like stage fright, so he

39:04

can't say anything. Meanwhile,

39:07

the other general, month Alon, basically

39:09

hides because he's never been a general and

39:11

does not know how to actually respond and

39:14

his number one thing is hiding when yes,

39:18

that is kind of what's That's

39:20

what I'm known for in real life. None

39:22

of these guys know what they're doing, and the customs

39:24

agent like confused, but like, well,

39:26

they all do look like French soldiers, is like,

39:29

why don't I escort you guys to the local

39:31

military base and they can figure out

39:33

where you're supposed to be. So they

39:35

all start marching together. And they've been

39:37

like marching a little while when one of the

39:39

colonel's former French army colonels

39:41

that Louis Napoleon has gathered to his coup attempt,

39:44

suddenly shouts, do you know who you're

39:46

escorting? It's Prince Napoleon himself,

39:50

And then and then another man cries

39:52

out, Belogne is ours and France

39:55

will soon proclaim the Prince Emperor of

39:57

France. Now customs

40:01

agent whose name is Lieutenant Bally

40:04

gets kind of suspicious at this, so

40:06

he's like, all right, everybody stop a second,

40:08

stop talking. What are you talking about?

40:11

Now? I should probably have mentioned

40:13

this or earlier, but it makes the

40:16

the outburst that just happened make a little more sense.

40:18

I should note, everyone, including Louis

40:21

Napoleon, is ship house drunk.

40:23

They were they were to

40:25

get their courage up on the boat. They're pounding

40:28

brandy, which is probably why they

40:30

make so much noise and probably why

40:32

they don't know how to respond when this guy starts

40:34

asking really basic questions, because

40:36

they are all they are all wasted,

40:39

and the drunkest of all of them is General du

40:41

Mont the lawn Bally

40:43

Lieutenant Bally is like, all right, everybody, fucking halt,

40:46

what is going on here? When he does that,

40:48

General month Lawon staggers forward,

40:50

slurring his words, and tries to bribe

40:52

the officer with a pension. She's like, may,

40:54

man, we'll give you like a fifteen thousand francs

40:56

the year, buddy, Why don't you just chill out? Man?

41:00

Uh? Can you come over here

41:02

real quick? She's real quick? All right,

41:04

buddy, We're right

41:07

now, bro, bro,

41:09

we are wasted, We are

41:11

true wasted. And I

41:14

know this pretty little French girl, she's

41:16

right around corner. She'll she'll

41:20

fucking do it. But you just

41:22

gotta shut the funk up. Just be

41:24

chill, bro. Can you point us

41:26

to belogn Yeah,

41:29

like where the army guys is and

41:32

that. Yeah, just let us know where they're

41:35

they're at an all fun dude, I'm

41:37

gonna puke. So Lieutenant

41:40

Belogne, being the most competent

41:42

person this situation, just bounces.

41:45

He just takes his guys. He's like, you know what, I don't know what's

41:47

going on here. This is not worth my

41:49

continued involvement right now. I'm gonna

41:51

go and try to find someone who's a higher

41:53

rank than me to figure out how to deal with this.

41:56

So for him. Now, the

41:58

former emperor's nephew and a bunch of

42:00

retired officers, some random bankers

42:03

and functionaries all dressed as soldiers

42:05

and ship house drunk decide like, well,

42:07

I guess we continue with our plan to take over

42:09

the country. One of Bonaparte's

42:11

most loyal men then shouts forward march

42:14

and the group continues to head to Boulogne.

42:17

They enter the city proper and around

42:19

five am, and they start putting up flyers,

42:21

telling everyone that the king no longer rules

42:23

France. Now this was not

42:25

strictly true. Yeah, well you know,

42:28

you take it till you make it, bro, I get it. Things

42:30

start moving very quickly. At this point,

42:33

the troop advances towards the barracks, where

42:35

a regiment of infantry protected the city.

42:37

Their goal was to take back the barracks

42:39

and its arsenal and convince the soldiers

42:41

there to join them, right. Um, So

42:44

they get stopped by a group of five soldiers

42:46

on the way there, um who are like,

42:49

hey, guys, we're in

42:51

charge running where the guarding this base? What

42:53

do you but what are you? Yea? What

42:56

is all seem very drunk

42:58

in German? What's happening? I

43:01

aim my gun at you? But they

43:04

don't even have guns. They're not armed,

43:06

right, But most military you don't

43:08

just like give people guns out of sort, Like they

43:11

don't even have weapons. They're just kind of

43:13

like hanging out to like, you know, keep an eye

43:15

on stuff. So you guys doing

43:17

theater, Yeah, what's going

43:19

on here? Is this an improv troupe? So

43:22

the guy carrying the Emperor's standard,

43:24

you know, the big flag with his logo

43:26

and ship on it um. When they get

43:28

stopped. This guy park when steps forward

43:31

drunkenly and he threatens them. Another

43:33

of Napoleon's men grabs one of the soldier's

43:36

arms when he won't listen to orders from the emperor.

43:39

So the soldiers they're

43:41

they're still they're too weirded out to like get

43:43

weapons or anything like. They again, they

43:45

have no idea what's happening. So after

43:47

a brief mild altercation, Napoleon's

43:50

mid advance again. Alan

43:52

Strass Shoran describes what happens next

43:54

to advanced by the way is a very funny

43:57

way. Drunkenly staggers

44:00

agger towards a door, quote

44:02

events, and matt

44:05

brace yourself for this part. Inside

44:08

the barracks parade ground, Aldin is

44:10

ordered to arms here is the Prince,

44:12

which was repeated by a soldier on guard duty.

44:15

Some of the men of the forty two fell in and presented

44:17

arms, shouting Vivina Emperor. When

44:19

an older sergeant arrived to see what was happening,

44:22

Louis Napoleon blurted out, I shall make

44:24

you a captain of the grenadiers. Order

44:26

and commonsense had already been replaced by a carnival

44:29

of hysterics and absurdities. Louis Napoleon

44:31

then harangued the troops, offering commissions,

44:34

medals, and money. Clearly, Captain Bonaparte,

44:36

late of the Swiss Army, was no more fit to command

44:38

to garrison than a squad. Captain Colonel

44:41

Poulgier, who is like in charge of the actual

44:43

garrison, arrived and, drawing

44:45

his sword, demanded to know what was happening

44:48

and where his company was. Some of Parkman's

44:50

men tried to grab him. Captain, I

44:52

am Prince Louis Napoleon. Come join us

44:54

and you will be rewarded with whatever you desire. But

44:56

I don't know you, the captain replied, you

44:58

are a traitor. He all about, Then,

45:01

turning around to his company, he said, soldiers,

45:03

this is a trick. Viv leroy falling

45:05

behind me, Buonapartes men

45:07

tried to seize him again. When two more officers of

45:09

the forty second arrived, Freeing himself,

45:12

Colonel Poulgier managed

45:14

to notify the garrison commander, Colonel San

45:16

Soul and to rally some of his men. Panicking,

45:19

Napoleon took out his pistol and shot

45:21

an unarmed grenadier in the mouth. What

45:23

the just like

45:26

it gets chaotic and they start like

45:29

yelling at him, and he just shoots an unarmed

45:31

man in the face for no reason. In

45:33

the mouth.

45:35

Yeah, this

45:37

guy is just like this is just like a random

45:40

rancor who's standing and be like, I don't know what's happening.

45:42

This guy is a bonaparte. Everyone else,

45:44

like my boss is saying no, do it, Like, dude,

45:47

I'm just like here and shoots him

45:49

in the face. Jesus

45:51

Christ, I love, but I

45:53

don't know you, doll. Yeah, but I'm like,

45:55

I have no idea who you are, man, Like, what

45:57

are you doing? I don't know? We

46:01

met, bro, we're not friends.

46:03

Yeah, we're friends, dog, Can you stop

46:05

telling people we know each other? So this

46:09

leaves everybody very surprised. Yeah,

46:11

he shot someone in the mouth. When he just

46:14

shoot a guy in the mouth for no reason,

46:17

and we're going to talk about what comes next. But you

46:19

know who will never shoot an unarmed French

46:21

grenadier in the mouth. Me,

46:24

that's right, you would not do that. I

46:27

mean, I'm not I'm not gonna

46:29

say never, right, I'm not gonna say never.

46:31

Never say never. We're

46:38

back and we're thinking about

46:41

shooting an armed French grenadiers, a thing

46:43

I haven't done, but could see

46:45

myself doing it if I had

46:47

to. You know, depends on the situation.

46:50

Context is everything. Yeah, Like what if

46:52

what if I get teleported back in time

46:54

to like eighteen twelve and the

46:57

Russian steps and there's like a French grenadier

46:59

and he drops his gun because like, you

47:01

know, he's scared because I just teleported through time.

47:03

But I know we might go for it, and then I have to shoot

47:06

him to save the time stream. Something

47:08

that sounds right, That sounds right, That could

47:10

happen. You never know. You don't want to fun

47:12

with spacetime. So they got to shoot him in the mouth. I

47:15

have. I have one piece of advice for

47:17

people, one piece of it for advice, and

47:19

it's never promised not to shoot

47:21

a French grenadier without a weapon under

47:23

any circumstances. You never

47:26

know. Yeah, that's what That's

47:28

what Louis Napoleon understood that. He

47:30

knew that. He said, listen, I

47:32

will do this ship

47:35

out of an unarmed French grenadier. Is I

47:38

just love that it's mouth. It's not ahead.

47:40

The guy lives too, by

47:42

the way, Yeah,

47:45

you don't describe it as shooting someone in

47:47

the mouth if they die, and man,

47:49

and what a what a thing every day that guys

47:51

that like the the village pub and they're like, so why

47:53

don't you why don't you get to talk Gilbert and

47:55

he's like, well, I got shutting the mouth

47:57

by

47:58

you. I

48:07

was chill I would so

48:12

this leaves. Yeah,

48:14

everyone panics, right, there has now

48:17

been gunfire. Napoleon's

48:19

soldiers are not in fact soldiers there

48:21

again like bankers and like, yeah,

48:27

yeah, Giuseppe is in fact they're like

48:29

this Italian banker pressed

48:31

as a French soldier. And then the

48:33

Emperor, panicking totally

48:36

silent through this affair up to this point, makes

48:38

his first action shooting a random dude

48:41

in the face. Everybody fucking panics.

48:43

At this point, most of Napoleon's

48:45

men take cover, even though the French soldiers

48:47

confronting them still aren't armed, right,

48:49

they have rifles, but no ammo like

48:51

because again they don't really know what's happening. So

48:54

now they get pissed because Lewis Napoleon has just

48:56

shot their friend in the face, so they

48:58

charged with bayonets um

49:01

Louis's party

49:03

foul, just fucking classic party

49:05

foul. Look. I will agree there are relatively

49:08

few situations in which you should charge

49:10

someone with bayonets, but this is a good

49:12

one, fine time to use

49:14

a bat. So again, Louis

49:17

Napoleon's men, being mostly con artists

49:20

and bean counters, run like fun even

49:22

though they they have loaded guns.

49:26

They actually have loaded firearms.

49:29

If they run like ship, mommy,

49:33

I am that

49:37

is wonderful. So

49:40

they rally in the center of town. Because the

49:42

garrisons in like this fortress kind of on a

49:44

hill in town. So they run a few hundred

49:46

yards away into the center of town where they've been putting

49:48

up signs, and they rally there. Meanwhile,

49:51

the garrison is like, I guess we should give guys bullets.

49:54

That seems like we might need to shoot some people. Like

49:57

again, no one really knows what's happening,

49:59

but by this point it's clear we're probably going to have

50:01

to shoot some fools. The craziest

50:03

thing about all this is it seems like the

50:05

coup could have worked

50:08

if he hadn't shot the dude

50:10

in the mouth. And they kind

50:12

of seemed like a cohesive

50:14

if they hadn't been drunk. Because so again,

50:16

as soon as they get in there and say like, this is

50:18

Prince Bonaparte. Some soldiers immediate

50:21

reactions have been like Viva empero, because

50:23

again, Bonaparte still powerful legacy,

50:26

like the flag tri color way better than

50:28

the flag. Louis won't say ship because

50:31

he's like panicking and

50:33

anxious and also kind of wasted.

50:35

Nobody knows what they're doing, and then he just

50:37

shoots a man. He shoots their friend in the face,

50:39

and they're like, well, I guess not Viva

50:41

la Emperor. Yeah,

50:45

boy, So you guys grab some

50:49

of Louis Napoleon's men while the

50:51

while the garrison soldiers are

50:53

loading their guns, Louis Napoleon and his

50:55

men are like in the middle of town trying to regroup.

50:57

They don't have a plan B, so they

51:00

attempt to take the imperial flag and

51:02

like run it up the flagpole

51:04

of like the big government building in the center of

51:06

town. But they can't get into it, right,

51:08

They like knock on the door, but it's like five

51:10

in the morning, nobody's there, so they

51:12

can't get inside. So

51:17

because at this point they're like, all

51:19

right, Prince Bonaparte, what

51:22

do we do now? Like you brought us

51:24

here? Plan A didn't work. We tried another

51:26

thing that didn't work either. He

51:30

throw it, just throw it onto the pole.

51:33

So he freezes up in panics. And

51:35

then the garrison troops start to march on them,

51:38

and all of his men like break and run like a

51:40

motherfucker. So some of them get

51:42

caught fleeing Um, some of

51:44

them get shot. Most of them

51:46

wind up retreating with the want to be emperor

51:49

to the beach Louis Napoleon.

51:51

As soon as they get to the beach, the first

51:53

thing he does, when his men are like what now is

51:56

he tries to blow his brains out with his Handgum

52:02

death for an attempt. He

52:05

is less capable of shooting himself

52:07

than he was that one random French soldier,

52:09

though, so it fails and

52:11

he runs away. Um. A bunch

52:13

of his men flee into the water. When the French soldiers

52:15

get there, a lot of these guys drown UM.

52:18

Several more gets shot to death in a hal of

52:20

French gunfire. One of the guardsmen

52:23

calls it quote a regular duck shoot. Um.

52:26

The prince is hit by a bullet but survives

52:28

because his uniform is like thick and wet and

52:30

it stops the bullet bullets. We're not as good

52:33

back then you could exactly.

52:37

So Louis Napoleon was

52:39

rescued by from drowning by National

52:42

guardsmen who like save his life

52:44

and then take him into custody. Um.

52:46

He spends most of the first minutes he's captured

52:48

talking about how much he wants to kill himself,

52:50

but otherwise he's bleeding. Here.

52:53

Put put some money on it, put some money

52:55

on the dollar, Shove some money

52:57

in his mouth. Um. So

53:01

that's that's not a great coup. That does

53:03

not work out. Well, Like, that's about as

53:06

about as unsuccessful a coup as I've

53:08

ever heard about. Yeah, that is egg on

53:10

his face, um and uh

53:13

in that one guy's mouth. Yeah, you

53:15

really couldn't fail much worse at trying

53:18

to take over France than it's an

53:20

incredible failure. And you got

53:23

to give it to him because like he

53:25

had the vision, you know, and he

53:27

said, well, you know what if we

53:29

go there? Yeah, and he

53:31

didn't he didn't think about

53:34

beyond that. He

53:36

just was like, no, then we advance, which

53:38

is walk, that's just walking, and

53:40

they will. Yeah. He just kind

53:43

of like if you've ever i don't

53:45

know, a suit like been in a situation

53:47

where you try to do something and just assume you'll

53:49

know how to do it, but you've never done it before. Like

53:52

yeah, you know, you go off

53:54

roading for the first time and like figure you know how

53:56

to handle you know, a real muddy

53:58

path or something, shift

54:01

shift right, trying to can

54:04

it be? And they might lie on a job

54:06

interview to try to like get a gig. Yeah,

54:10

he just um, he just

54:13

uh, he just he just does

54:15

that with trying to be the emperor of France. Yeah,

54:18

and he you know, like, honestly,

54:21

I think he could have done it in that attempt

54:24

if he had just not shot

54:26

that guy in the mouth and got too drunk,

54:29

if he hadn't been drunk, if he had again,

54:32

you should probably like train for

54:36

a little bit being a coup like this if you've never

54:38

done anything again. Bonaparte was

54:40

able to easily coup the country because

54:42

by that point he was pretty

54:45

he was pretty good at commanding Frenchman. Yeah, he

54:47

had like practice and stuff and people. This

54:50

guy's primary life experience is getting

54:52

his brother killed in Italy. You

54:54

might want other training. O Gene

54:57

Napoleon didn't have a

54:59

current all going, But I don't know you

55:02

like that. Nobody would have ever said that to him. Nobody

55:04

would ever said, oh

55:07

boy, yeah, you know who does

55:09

know you, Matt. Who the

55:12

production services that support our podcast.

55:14

They've known you since before you

55:16

were born, when you when

55:19

you quickened in your mother's womb,

55:22

Blue Apron and uh and

55:24

all of the other Casper Mattress. They knew

55:26

you. They saw you, they loved you,

55:29

Lily Company,

55:30

They wrapped you in

55:33

its in its spiritual embrace,

55:35

when before you were even a fetus.

55:38

They knew your soul when it

55:40

was still part of the firmament of heaven.

55:42

The least you can do, the least

55:44

you can do. Spend some money.

55:47

I love spending money. Why why

55:49

are we what? What are you doing? You're

55:51

trying to get mat plug is pluggable? This is that?

55:53

What's happening? No? I was doing ads. You've

55:55

done all your ads? Oh have I? Well,

55:58

I guess the fucking episode is over, Sophie,

56:01

yes to some ads.

56:04

Anyways, though you

56:06

were promoting Matt, I was like, Okay,

56:08

I also love that. Matt got a Yeah,

56:13

I'm here to promote my new podcast pod

56:15

yourself and insulin and

56:19

yeah and uh where we charge

56:21

Astronomical amounts for To be honest

56:24

with you, I have an ethical problem

56:26

with insulin um Yeah. Yeah,

56:28

hormone therapy is is the devil's

56:31

plaything. That's right. Absolutely,

56:34

you know you gotta If you Walsh

56:36

convinced me of this, that's right. If

56:38

you got again, you know, if

56:40

you got diabetes, that's God's

56:42

way of saying, hey, yeah, you're allergic

56:45

to living. Look, God said it. Called

56:47

it diabetes because you're not supposed to

56:49

survive it. Exactly. It's not libetes,

56:52

it's not life beats. Oh

56:55

boy. W Anyways,

56:59

you give Mats pod five

57:01

stars because he has a baby, baby,

57:04

give it five stars five

57:06

stars in review? You know, pot yourself

57:09

the wire or if you like the Sopranos pod

57:11

yourself a gun. We covered all of

57:13

the Sopranos. I'm gonna try. I'm

57:15

gonna try something, Matt, I'm gonna try something for your

57:17

baby. We have you know, somewhere

57:19

around like a million is people listening, you

57:21

know, as to an episode or so in general,

57:24

I'm gonna I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try

57:27

because who knows who's listening. Look,

57:29

if you're out there and you're a crazy

57:31

rich person with a bunch of golden abasement.

57:34

Send all that gold to Matt Lead happen right

57:37

on. Send it on somebody out there.

57:39

It's got golden abasement. You don't need it. Give it to

57:41

Matt Lee. But what do you need it for? You don't need

57:43

it. I have a baby. I have missed God.

57:47

Send me that gold www

57:50

dot send Matt Lead gold dot com, slash

57:52

I have a baby, dot h t M.

57:55

That's your sub stack, right, that's my substation.

57:58

Dot vodka, Yeah, dot

58:00

vodka. And if you can't remember all

58:02

that Patreon dot com slash frodcast.

58:04

That is the That is the umbrella

58:07

podcast of all the pod. Yourself a gun,

58:09

but yourself the wire. That is

58:11

the o G where me and Vince Mancini,

58:14

who you should have on here. He's a wonderful film

58:16

critic and uh beautiful little

58:19

Italian man. Now what are

58:21

the odds? Do you know if he might be related to Boom

58:23

Boom Mancini, the boxer who killed

58:25

Duck Ku Kim. I don't know if

58:28

he is related to any notable Mancini's.

58:30

I think there's like him. Ask

58:33

him, ask him? Are you are you kin to

58:35

Boom Boom Mancini. There's a

58:37

pretty pretty good warren Zevon song about

58:39

his relative in that case, Okay,

58:42

well I'm gonna ask him about it, but I definitely

58:44

asked him if he was related to Mancini

58:46

of Mancini sleep World, which is a great

58:48

matchress store in the San Francisco

58:51

Bay area. And he is not. He's

58:55

not. Uh, he's not related to Henry

58:57

Mancini, the guy who wrote moon River, which

59:00

great song. So if what if

59:02

Boom boom Mancini fought the

59:04

Mancini who wrote moon River? Do you

59:06

think he would also kill that guy? Probably?

59:10

I think you could kill whatever Mancini even

59:12

wanted to. I'm trying to kill Vince. Well

59:14

there you go. Anyway, We at

59:17

Behind the Bastards will check out to see if

59:19

Vince Mancini wants to do a podcast and is

59:22

related to the guy from the warren Zevon song.

59:24

Check out pod yourself a gun Um,

59:26

check out Matt Leeve on the internet and send him

59:29

your gold. Please find my novel

59:31

After the Revolution wherever books are sold

59:34

and live

59:36

stream, Oh Ship, Sophie, do the live stream

59:38

at please God, you

59:41

know I knew it. We Behind the

59:43

Bastards are doing a live stream

59:46

virtual show on December eight

59:49

with Margaret Killjoy.

59:52

Thank you. You can find tickets, uh,

59:55

the link to tickets in the description. You can find the

59:57

link to tickets on our socials and

1:00:00

uh it's moment House dot co slash

1:00:03

bTB. Yeah,

1:00:05

check it out. Signing to watch?

1:00:09

So am I? Well you're gonna

1:00:11

have to? Oh well, yes, that's true,

1:00:13

all right, go with christ

1:00:16

my children. Babe.

1:00:20

Behind the Bastards is a production of cool

1:00:22

Zone Media. For more from cool Zone Media,

1:00:25

visit our website cool zone media dot

1:00:27

com, or check us out on the I

1:00:29

Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

1:00:31

you get your podcasts.