0:00

Welcome back , you guys , to the Butterfly Season podcast

0:02

. I have a returning guest , sam

0:04

Harper , one of my best friends . We

0:07

last episode I cried . This

0:09

episode she cried . It's so good

0:12

, it's so vulnerable , it's so authentic

0:14

. We went to places that I didn't think that

0:16

we would even go to or touch on and

0:19

we talk about , like masculine

0:21

femininity , and we get deep on those terms

0:23

, terms . I feel like these terms are thrown out

0:26

and we don't really know what they truly

0:28

mean . We go really deep on that and we talk about what

0:30

it means to show up as your higher self

0:32

and I'm excited for you have you here

0:34

again , happy to be back . Yes

0:46

, it's

0:50

Mercury Retrograde , as we

0:52

are very aware of . We're feeling it

0:54

. So just a heads up for anyone listening , you kind

0:57

of know what's going on . Nova

0:59

, I'm so grateful that you're here today , especially

1:01

under these circumstances , and by circumstances

1:04

I mean you are typically on the side of things where you're here today

1:06

, especially under these circumstances , and by circumstances

1:08

I mean you

1:11

are typically on the side of things where you're helping people facilitate

1:13

their own transformation . Yeah , and now we're at a different side of things

1:15

where I want to talk about your transformation

1:18

and

1:20

what comes with that is the vulnerability

1:22

of all the things that you've worked

1:24

through and the reason why I brought you on is

1:27

because you were one of the first people to allow me

1:29

to test my like framework that

1:31

I had been working on . That I before

1:33

like actually coming to or birthing the

1:35

book 100% .

1:37

Yes .

1:39

So excited . Also , I do want to acknowledge that

1:42

the importance

1:45

of honoring

1:48

all that it is to be so

1:50

vulnerable about the things that

1:52

you unearthed

1:54

. So thank you for that .

1:56

I'm already tearing up . Okay , here we

1:59

go .

1:59

Here we go . I think last time

2:01

I was crying on my podcast

2:03

with you this is fitting , it's fitting

2:06

. So , sam

2:08

, I mean we could just jump right into

2:10

it . That's how we do it . Let's go . That's how we do it

2:12

no lubrication , no warmup , no anything

2:15

. We could just go right into it . Generally

2:19

before we went through

2:22

the framework , before you went through the journal , what

2:25

new awareness or different

2:27

perspective on awareness that

2:29

you might've had ? What

2:31

was new that came up for you in that process

2:34

?

2:35

Well , there was a lot of new things that were surfacing

2:37

for me because , you know , as

2:39

we grow , we learn deeper

2:41

levels of ourselves and I

2:44

am a lifelong student

2:46

of growth and development , and so , for me

2:48

, finding new levels of awareness

2:50

and the inner journey is always

2:52

something going on for me and

2:55

I feel like karmically

2:57

in this lifetime . It's all about

2:59

interpersonal relationships and

3:01

so it's really about that

3:03

. Like I feel like I've got business

3:05

figured out , I've got , I've

3:08

got like certain areas in my life that I'm like , oh , that's

3:10

cinchy as you would say

3:12

, you know like pretty easy , like fluid

3:15

, but relationships in general

3:17

and lots of different relationship

3:19

dynamics , has always been like that thing

3:21

yeah , I'm , why can't I

3:24

figure this out ? Or like what

3:26

is really going on here that I'm not

3:28

seeing . And so it was new layers

3:30

of awareness of deeper parts

3:32

of relationship and coming

3:34

out of like a pretty wounded

3:37

spot into really

3:39

developing self-worth , and then that just takes

3:41

you into deeper parts of that . And so

3:43

that's where we

3:45

landed .

3:46

Yes , so I want to talk about your self-worth

3:48

journey . I feel like there's such a misconception

3:51

on self-worth , self-love

3:53

, confidence

3:56

. These are terms that we use

3:58

often , but I think that self-worth

4:00

and self-love end up being two different terms

4:03

that are not an embodied feeling . The way confidence

4:05

could seem like , whether you have

4:07

it or not , typically we could embody

4:10

that feeling . I feel like that's fake it till

4:12

you make it Right . But when it comes

4:14

to self-worth , it's

4:17

to me feels like felt like

4:19

a mystical word that I would hear and

4:21

didn't understand , cause I'm like I have

4:24

no problem with that , thinking I'm confident

4:26

, right . I would love to hear what

4:28

your self-worth journey has been

4:30

like . What

4:34

was it before ? What did you work ?

4:35

through ? Where was the awareness around that ? And what are you working on now ? That's so beautiful . So

4:37

I think it starts off with self-confidence , right

4:39

, and then that morphs no pun

4:41

intended morphs into the self-worth

4:44

journey . So to

4:46

have confidence , like you said , is just being

4:49

consistent , like showing up for yourself . You

4:51

can be confident and not feel worthy , but

4:54

I don't think you can be worthy and not have confidence

4:57

, like it doesn't work backwards , right . So

4:59

for me it was like really getting through the confidence

5:01

thing of no longer faking it until you make it was

5:03

like really getting through the confidence thing of no longer faking it till

5:05

you make it , like really feeling

5:07

confident about myself and how I show up and being just

5:09

in integrity of who I am . But

5:19

with that I was like wait a second , why is this not enough ? Right , and so similar to how I think people

5:21

think like , okay , if I have X amount of money in the bank account , then I'll

5:23

be happy . Well , if I have this amount of money in the bank account , then I'll be happy . Well , if

5:25

I have this amount of confidence , then that means I'm worthy

5:28

and it's not . It doesn't match up

5:30

that way . And so for me

5:32

it was really understanding , like what self-worth

5:35

meant . And I remember , probably seven

5:37

years ago I was doing like a workshop

5:40

or something and this girl asked me like about

5:42

my self-worth and

5:45

I was just like , hmm , what do you

5:47

what ? I didn't have anything to say to her

5:49

and that was like very striking because

5:51

I had never met myself there

5:54

, right . And so the journey of

5:56

self-worth is like really discovering the parts

5:58

of me that

6:00

feel sovereign and

6:03

like a birthright , and

6:05

coming back to that truth and it not

6:07

being what somebody else deems me

6:10

as , but me

6:12

in myself as my being is worthy

6:14

, yeah , in and of itself . So coming

6:17

to the truth of that by taking

6:19

other people out of the variables

6:21

, and it just being me against

6:24

me essentially . And that's

6:26

again like these interpersonal

6:28

relationships that in and of itself

6:30

with me too , like not just personal

6:33

relationships outside of me , but what's

6:35

my relationship like with myself . And

6:37

so that's like the beginning

6:39

of the journey for me , for

6:41

self-worth at least Can you give me

6:43

a tangible example

6:46

, I'll start with mine .

6:47

Okay , so , because I love what

6:49

you said and I think that at least

6:51

my journey has been . I hear

6:53

a lot of people say these things . I

6:55

can logically understand

6:57

it , but why is it working for them and not

6:59

for me ? And what

7:03

I didn't realize , that , in

7:05

terms of worthiness , where

7:07

I was feeling like I wasn't worthy

7:09

is by giving all of my stuff away

7:12

to try to get something . Yeah , so

7:14

I would . Someone would ask

7:16

me even for

7:18

help and I would be like

7:20

, oh , I can do this , I can do this , I can do this , I can

7:22

do this , I can do this , I can do this , I can do this . Until I'm

7:24

like I actually , if I did

7:26

all of those things , it would be so out of integrity

7:28

, not just generally , but I would be

7:30

stretching myself thin as fuck to do

7:32

that . Right , right , right . But I would still do it

7:35

because I feel like my worth is

7:37

attached to my self-worth , is attached to

7:39

how well I can help you at the

7:41

thing . And so if it's attached to

7:43

how well I can help you with a thing , I will pull

7:45

out the gambit of things that I can do to

7:47

help you , exactly Right , but then I've

7:49

just self-abandoned myself because I

7:51

did 50,000 things . You literally

7:54

asked for one thing yeah , but

7:56

because I've attached my worth to it and my worth

7:58

is infinite , I am just worthy as a human

8:00

being , because I am , because

8:05

you just not because you said it , but you also said it , yeah , and that's how I

8:07

would . That is where I realized

8:09

, oh , my self-worth is low

8:11

.

8:13

Yeah , wrapped up in like the giving right , so

8:15

mine would be in love

8:17

of . Okay , if I

8:20

is similar , like if I do this inside of a

8:22

relationship , then that means I'm

8:24

lovable , and if I'm lovable then that

8:26

means I'm worthy . And so that's

8:28

how it showed up over and over and over again

8:30

throughout my life with my parents who were emotionally

8:33

unavailable , physically unavailable

8:36

, like just not around . And so as

8:38

a child it was like , okay , can I perform

8:41

? Or like be the A student or , you

8:43

know , be a good girl , and then if

8:45

I do that , then they'll love me and then that

8:48

means I'm worthy , right , like I'm worth

8:50

being here on this planet , right

8:52

, if I don't have that , then who am I ? Right

8:54

? And

9:00

then that showed up in a lot of ways , a lot in college , you know , like giving away my

9:03

time , my energy , my attention

9:05

, everything all

9:08

of it right In this

9:10

, like almost desperate way

9:13

of like love me , love me , love me , love me . Like

9:15

just look at me , love me , you know . And

9:18

now I look back and I'm like , oh , sweet

9:20

girl , like I'm sorry , I'm

9:22

sorry I didn't catch this earlier , but

9:25

it still was showing up in my life

9:27

, like not that long ago , of

9:29

like , okay , if

9:31

I , if I sacrifice it

9:34

usually comes down to sacrifice for me is

9:36

, if I sacrifice this part of me , then

9:38

they'll love me more , then I'm worthy

9:41

, then that's what I'm bringing you

9:43

know how much can I sacrifice

9:45

, and it's like now that I'm

9:47

speaking this out loud um my aunt

9:49

on my dad's side , you know , very

9:51

Catholic and the more you sacrifice

9:54

, the more heavenly

9:56

you are the you know like all

9:58

of that , and so it was like it

10:00

was a good thing to sacrifice .

10:02

Right , and I almost feel like

10:05

in in my journey and I

10:07

feel like you might be able to see your version of this , but

10:09

in my journey the

10:11

giving everything away was

10:14

on the outside , things that

10:16

were praised . So if I , even

10:18

just because my worth would be tied to all of the things

10:21

, right , like when you're on a self-worth journey

10:23

, you realize your worth is tied

10:25

to everything except for yourself , right

10:28

? And so in the version in the

10:30

lane of business , I would tie my worth

10:32

to my doing and what I would do . And I remember

10:35

, even back when I had my agency , I

10:37

, I have a creative

10:40

brain , but I'm not the person that's like in Adobe

10:42

, doing the thing Right . I'm the person that's like

10:44

these three things . This is the vibe try to move it

10:46

like this and morph it and whatever . And I

10:48

felt like having

10:51

a graphic designer on our team made

10:54

me . I kept feeling like this , but I didn't understand

10:56

what it meant . I felt like I was unworthy

10:58

Unworthy is the wrong word . I felt

11:00

like why do I feel like I'm not valued

11:02

? Or why do I feel like , if I have her here

11:05

or him here in this role , why

11:07

do I feel like the client's

11:10

going to fire us and just try to work with them

11:12

. Right , like those were the feelings . It was

11:14

never oh , self-worth , because I had no

11:16

real idea about that , but

11:19

it was always the feeling of , oh , the

11:22

client is going to work with

11:24

them , and then what's my use

11:26

, what's my role ? So what I would

11:28

do is I would take

11:31

on so much of the work

11:33

because I felt like , well

11:35

, that's how I really have value in this situation

11:37

. Yeah , how did self-worth

11:40

show up for you in relationships

11:42

? It could be for the romantic lane

11:44

, the friendship lane , the acquaint , acquaintance lane

11:46

. How has that showed up for you before you had

11:49

the awareness , and what did it feel like ?

11:52

so if I

11:54

had what

11:57

looked like on the outside

11:59

as something that looked

12:01

really good , then that

12:03

means I'm worthy right like

12:05

I Like . I have this partner , it

12:08

looks great . I have this

12:10

business , it looks great . I

12:13

have like , well

12:15

, I can't really count Quinn , he is the best

12:17

but like my son , you know , like

12:19

, and he's like a cutie pie and

12:21

so it's like the , the facade

12:24

of things looking good , but really none

12:26

of it is super great , Right

12:28

? So it was like well , if it looks good

12:30

, then that means I'm worthy . Right

12:32

. And if it doesn't , then I

12:35

don't have anything to provide . I remember

12:37

a friend of mine , probably

12:40

five years ago . She had called me and she's

12:43

like Sam , why do you always have to look

12:45

, look good or like be on

12:47

or like always dress up ? You know , and

12:49

I was just like at the time I was just like that's

12:51

who ? So I am , I like to like , I like

12:53

to look good , I like to present myself

12:55

in a certain way , and then

12:57

now , years later , I'm like oh , I

12:59

wasn't even allowing myself to be messy , because

13:02

if I looked messy or

13:04

undone or not perfect

13:07

, then I didn't feel worthy . And

13:09

now I'm like I'm showing up everywhere

13:12

like really undone , and we were like kind of joking

13:14

right before we started recording about outing

13:17

myself on TikTok , and I'm

13:19

like that was a really messy , really

13:22

really messy part of my life . Yeah

13:24

, and it's because now I

13:26

don't depend on other people accepting

13:29

it or not , it just is what it is

13:31

and like I know that I'm worthy regardless

13:34

.

13:34

Yeah , and so would you

13:36

. Do you remember the feeling

13:38

that you would use to define worth ? I

13:40

know your background is therapy . Yeah

13:43

, I know that you have so

13:45

much to your repertoire so you have

13:47

the verbiage . But for somebody who doesn't have

13:49

the verbiage to know that it's worthiness

13:52

is the core issue , because

13:54

I remember tell

13:57

me .

13:57

Yeah , I would say and we've talked

13:59

about this is like outsourcing

14:01

or like depending on

14:04

somebody to fulfill something for you that you

14:06

can fulfill for yourself . And

14:15

so I think it's that of like worthiness really comes down to fulfilling all

14:17

of your needs in yourself , like really truly everything , everything

14:19

, everything , and then everybody on

14:21

the outside . That's just like a cherry on top of it . It's

14:23

a nice additive to

14:25

the sauce you've already got right , you

14:27

know and that's what I was doing

14:30

too . I was like depending

14:32

on other people to fulfill something

14:35

in me that they were never

14:37

going to be able to fulfill , because

14:40

it's not their job . Right

14:42

to create my worthiness , it's mine

14:44

, and so it was like outsourcing

14:47

that to other people . And it was in like

14:49

a really deep breath work with Stefanos a

14:51

couple of weeks ago , maybe a week ago

14:53

where it like really clicked

14:55

for me . I'm like , oh my God , it's always been me , like

14:57

it's always been me to

15:00

be the one to decide , and it really is

15:02

a decision of like I'm worthy

15:04

regardless . If somebody likes me

15:06

doesn't like me if I perform well , if I don't

15:08

perform well , if I'm showing up perfectly

15:11

or if I'm showing up messy , I'm

15:14

worthy regardless . And

15:17

so it's not outsourcing

15:19

that to other people anymore , outsourcing

15:21

my trust , outsourcing like even

15:23

little things you know , and

15:26

now it's's just like it's

15:29

not to the point of like toxic independence

15:31

, because that's not it either like

15:33

we need people in our lives but it's

15:36

like . I'm totally fulfilled

15:38

in myself and anything

15:40

extra is great right .

15:42

What does toxic independence look like ?

15:45

um , that's you know . For for me I'll

15:47

speak for myself is when I get

15:49

like hyper independent and I'm like , no , I can do it all

15:51

myself , I don't need you . And

15:54

I remember , in a relationship being like I don't

15:56

need you , I want you , and realizing

15:58

that actually was not helpful in a relationship

16:01

at all , why People

16:04

want to be wanted , right . And

16:07

it really did dawn on

16:09

me like , oh , I actually do need your help , like

16:11

we cannot do everything by ourselves . You

16:17

know , I can try and I'm pretty good at it , because I've like grown up doing that

16:20

right , but

16:22

I do need people , but not

16:24

in the way that like that phrase comes out , not

16:26

like I need you to survive , but like actually I do need help . It not in the way that like that phrase comes out , right , not like I need you to survive , but like actually

16:28

I do need help , right , it's

16:30

humility , you know .

16:33

So talk

16:35

to me about some of the fears that come

16:37

up now that you are being

16:40

the person to meet your own need For

16:43

me . I'll go first . Because

16:46

I tied my worth to calling

16:49

it a . Let's just call it a performance . It doesn't matter

16:52

what it is . I'm not literally tap dancing Although

16:54

that was one of the ways it started yeah

16:57

, right , like performing

16:59

and my mom not being there . But when I was the best

17:01

, I felt like not . I felt

17:03

when I was the best in the room , then parents would

17:05

tell my mom how great she is , and then I would get

17:07

praise from my mom . Right , performance

17:09

equals love . Some

17:12

of the fears that have come up in my interpersonal

17:15

relationships is if we remove

17:17

the performance , if you remove

17:19

the expectation of performance

17:21

from me , I feel like

17:24

now you're not going to be my friend

17:26

. Now we're not going to be in partnership . Now we're not going to be

17:28

in partnership . Now we're not going to be in relation together , because

17:30

what do I now ? That's just a thing that

17:32

comes up . That is the

17:34

fear that I met with . I literally

17:36

just went through this loop with my husband

17:39

. He had removed expectation on something

17:41

. And I'm like I started

17:43

crying . And he's like why are you crying ? And I was like I

17:46

just feel like . I feel

17:48

like this means you're going to leave me . And he's

17:50

like whoa , how did ? we

17:52

get here and I'm like that's just the fear that comes

17:54

up when you remove the expectation of performance

17:57

of me , right , and it's like so crazy

17:59

because our minds take us to this place where

18:02

if I don't perform

18:04

because my worth is attached to it , then I don't

18:06

get the love . If I don't perform because my worth

18:08

is attached to it , then I don't get the love . If I don't get the love , that means I lose

18:10

everyone around me .

18:11

yeah , what fear comes up for you . Well

18:13

, this is something that we've talked about . Is the void

18:15

right ? If I'm not

18:18

doing x , y

18:20

and z and there's a void

18:22

, there's a space that's left for

18:24

the unknown . That's

18:26

a really scary place for me

18:28

to be , because I like to fill

18:30

the void . I like the

18:33

spaces to be where they're supposed

18:35

to be . I'm sounding like a control

18:37

freak right now .

18:38

But at the end of the day , that is what

18:41

this all is right . For me at

18:43

least , it's control . Right , I will people-please

18:45

to control . I will emotionally monitor

18:47

the room to control . I will outsource

18:50

my safety for perceived

18:52

control . Of course , it's all this like illusion

18:54

of control at the end of the day

18:56

, guised in whatever

18:59

words that we want to call it . Um

19:01

, and the crazy thing about this void

19:03

that you and I talk about is that you're

19:06

leaving room for a different action to

19:08

happen , because all of this is just patterns , right

19:10

, it's just a repeated pattern , right

19:13

? My performance equals love is

19:15

a repeated pattern from my childhood and I just

19:17

bring it into every facet of my life . Now

19:19

and now . I get the exact

19:21

same outcome every time , and the void

19:23

is choosing a different pattern to

19:26

get a different outcome . But what happens

19:28

is , when you choose something different , you leave

19:30

space for something else to happen , but

19:32

the fear will try to fill

19:35

that space .

19:36

Right , and it does . It does fill

19:38

that space , but what

19:40

we should all know is that fear

19:42

is really our companion , and if we can

19:45

collaborate with fear , then

19:47

it's just showing us what's important

19:49

to us , and so it's not something to

19:51

be like fearful

19:53

of , it's like OK , I see you , you're , you're

19:55

showing me that this is important to

19:57

me . How can we collaborate in this experience

19:59

to bring something different ? Right . And

20:01

so for me , the fear right is the

20:03

void of not having somebody with

20:05

me . Fear

20:09

, right is the void of not having somebody with me , um , and because , as I mentioned , like my parents

20:12

weren't really around , I started living on my own when I was 16 and then filling those

20:14

voids with other people to

20:17

either , you know , perceived

20:19

stability , because it was always that , or

20:21

safety , um , or

20:23

somebody loving me , because I was lacking that

20:25

, and and so now the

20:27

void for me is like how much space

20:29

can I have ? And

20:31

just like really fiercely loving

20:34

myself and allowing me

20:36

to fill that void , yeah , and

20:39

so I don't know right now I

20:41

don't feel very fearful of that . I feel really good

20:43

in that , yeah , but two months

20:45

ago it was a different story

20:47

, right , it's so funny I was .

20:49

I was on a walk with a friend and I was like telling

20:51

a story and I'm like , yeah , and I did this and I did that

20:53

, and I was like kind of like poking fun at like the

20:56

version of me that was a week ago and she's like

20:58

that was a week ago and I'm like girl , I am not

21:00

her . No , no , it was a week

21:02

ago and I've been 10 different people since

21:05

then , exactly .

21:05

Especially right now , like things are moving

21:08

so quickly and awareness is

21:10

coming to the surface very fast and

21:12

answers are coming very like there's a lot of clarity

21:15

and so , yeah , we're

21:17

not the same person . We were in November

21:19

when we were like starting talking about this Right , and

21:21

then I don't know about you , but I've

21:23

had like a million deaths since

21:25

. November . So like I'm

21:28

, new RIP .

21:29

I'm brand new , yes , brand new . A

21:31

million different versions

21:34

, better versions . Yeah , my

21:36

therapist asked me when we were talking

21:38

about what happens for me and I don't know if this happens

21:41

for you , but like what happens for me with this like performance

21:43

equals love is that I'm constantly

21:46

competing with everybody

21:48

at anything . Yeah , Like there was a time

21:50

where I would walk into a room and I

21:52

can , just because I'm great at emotionally

21:55

monitoring which trauma response I

21:57

can also see who's the ? best , yeah , and

22:00

then my whole focus is just beating that

22:02

person . It would . It was a

22:04

lot of the reason why I stopped going to the gym

22:06

that I was going to . I literally could not even help

22:08

myself , wow , and it would be all

22:11

consuming , and I couldn't even run

22:13

my own race because I was so focused on

22:15

beating someone else that the moment I focused

22:17

on myself , I would pick myself apart , and

22:19

it was just like I need tools to navigate

22:21

this . I'm going to leave the gym so that I can work on myself

22:23

, to then go back to the gym . And then

22:25

right Because it's . I mean , it's like

22:27

a high intensity training . We all do it as a collective

22:30

, so you can see who's not

22:32

right . But , like , if you're running your own race

22:34

, you really don't give a fuck about that . You can't

22:37

, there's no room for that . There's no room

22:39

. But because

22:41

I was outsourcing , that was what was coming back to me . The feedback

22:43

was that I was my own worst

22:45

enemy , and I think part of my

22:47

self-love journey is

22:50

loving myself

22:53

in spite of , in

22:55

spite of feeling how bad

22:57

about myself , that I would feel when I would talk about

23:00

myself badly to myself . Right

23:02

, and being able to be like , okay , to your point , allowing

23:04

the fear to be a companion or this like inner critic

23:07

to be a companion . Yeah , um , to show me

23:09

what I really want . And what I really want is , if I

23:11

want to be the best in the room , it's not because I'm competing

23:13

for it , it's because I'm going

23:15

there weekly to this gym , or

23:18

daily or whatever . I'm consistent . Yeah

23:20

, in my own journey , that is how

23:22

I'm the best . And my therapist goes so

23:24

are you the best ? She asked me that are you the

23:26

best ? And I was like well , I

23:29

feel I mean , there's other people like

23:31

in my space that . And

23:33

she was like no , uh-huh . And

23:37

I'm like what do you mean ? No , you asked me if I was the best and

23:39

I was like how could I answer that ? I would need a

23:41

pool of people to tell you if I'm

23:43

the best . I need to know . Right , if

23:45

we're ranking , there has to be someone else . She's like

23:47

no , are you the best version that you've

23:49

ever been today ? And I'm like I

23:52

am the best that I've ever been today . I have the

23:54

most awareness that I've ever had . I have the most

23:56

clarity on the things that I've ever

23:58

had . I am the absolute best

24:00

I've ever been . Let's go . And

24:09

I was like , oh shit , that's what it means to run your own race . So I say I share

24:11

that because I want to know what

24:13

your self-love journey has been Like .

24:14

long and steady and

24:16

lots of like side

24:19

paths to go on and lots of running

24:21

the same lap over and over again , over and over

24:23

again , thinking I would find something new

24:25

. And really right now

24:28

it's about showing

24:30

up for myself and going a lot

24:32

slower . So

24:34

I was talking to my therapist this week or

24:37

a couple weeks ago and I was

24:39

really reflecting . So here

24:41

I am , outing myself I'm

24:43

out of . I was engaged , I'm no longer engaged . You know I'm out

24:45

of I was engaged , I'm no longer engaged . And

24:48

the typical version

24:50

of me would go in guns , a

24:52

blazing and

24:58

fight through it and

25:04

like be hard , and this

25:06

time I'm not . It's like

25:08

soft and like be hard , and

25:11

this time I'm not . It's like

25:14

soft .

25:14

And what's the fear that comes up in the softness ?

25:20

Because this feels like a voyage

25:22

. It's not . It's

25:25

not a well , it is a fear . So an old version of me would have

25:27

just like gone heavy in the fuck

25:30

you , but it ended beautifully

25:32

. So there was no space for that , right . So

25:36

I couldn't do that , right , there was no reason

25:38

to and I wasn't going to make up a reason to , and

25:42

I would have just gone hard into the . Well

25:44

, I'm going to glow up so hard . You're going to regret your

25:46

life . And

26:00

this time I didn't have that desire and

26:03

I wanted to go slow and I didn't necessarily want to have

26:05

the glow up and I thought

26:07

it was actually interesting . I

26:15

spent like three weeks kind of hibernating and not looking pretty

26:17

, looking real

26:19

messy , and not

26:22

going back into like hard workouts

26:24

, like that's what I would do . I'd

26:27

go like CrossFit or like super

26:29

hard in the gym . I would start

26:31

a new business . I would go

26:34

on a really amazing vacation

26:36

. I would literally try to make somebody

26:38

regret their entire existence because

26:41

, like , like , I'm going to show you , I'm going to show you what

26:43

you missed out on , and there was no

26:45

space for that this time . And

26:48

so the fear I think that came up

26:50

initially . I'm not fearful of it anymore

26:52

, because you know , a week ago I was somebody

26:54

different , because you know that's

26:57

older , I mean , I'm a newer now

26:59

but Right . But

27:02

the initial fear was if I don't

27:04

go hard , am

27:06

I going to be able to survive ? Because

27:09

I'm a warrior and that's

27:11

how I have survived . Everything in

27:13

the past is like muscle

27:15

it , you know grit through it . Pull

27:18

your bootstraps up and go Like just

27:20

go . You cannot look backwards , they

27:23

don't deserve your glance back

27:25

, like you just have to go . And

27:27

now it's like I

27:30

can be slow and I'm

27:32

soft and I'm staying in my feminine

27:34

, which is a discipline for me because I'm like really

27:36

good at being in the masculine . And

27:40

so the fear is like can I , is this

27:42

weak If

27:44

I stay soft and open ? Is

27:47

this weak ? No

27:51

, it's not .

27:53

It's actually a really difficult thing to do , it's

27:55

really difficult .

27:56

I'm really proud of myself .

27:58

I'm proud of you . I'm so proud of you . Thanks

28:00

, and self-love is being proud of myself . I'm proud of you . I'm so proud of you . Thanks , and self-love is

28:02

being proud of yourself yeah .

28:05

Yeah , I like , and

28:07

I also like what I like to do for

28:10

kind of like tracking my

28:12

progress and my growth is I like to

28:14

revisit old places

28:16

that I've been Either physically

28:19

or like even go into conversation

28:21

with people from the past and

28:24

just kind of do like a pulse check , like where am I

28:26

at in this dynamic . And

28:28

I had an opportunity to have a conversation

28:30

with somebody from a few worthy and and

28:33

I was like journaling it

28:35

all out and

28:47

I'm like I I

28:49

can provide so much better for myself , and

28:52

so it was like a really beautiful aha moment

28:54

. So that's also like a good pulse check

28:56

of like where your self-worth growth is

28:59

at .

29:00

Right . When you say I'm worthy

29:02

of what , I

29:04

feel like there are people who are listening . I know there's a version

29:07

of me that I had no clue what

29:09

it worthiness meant . I had this friend who like

29:11

have this podcast on worthiness . Her name's Sandra

29:13

Chuma . I voice noted her and was

29:15

like I am

29:17

being told that I need to work on my self-worth

29:20

. I have no clue what that means

29:22

or what that is . And when you say I'm worthy

29:24

of what ? So

29:28

I guess and I know now that that's different

29:30

iterations- but in this moment , when you're like

29:32

, I know I'm worthy . I love myself so much . I'm

29:34

worthy of what ?

29:36

I think for me it's , you know , not

29:38

outsourcing , being

29:41

loved by somebody else to make love

29:44

mean something like

29:46

I love me and for

29:49

, I think , to the like . The point

29:51

, like the root of all of it is we

29:53

all have different versions of what worthy means

29:55

right and what is at the core of that something

29:58

. It's love . Most of the time it's love , but it can . The time it's

30:00

love but it can be safety , it can be acceptance

30:02

, but acceptance means what

30:04

you know , love typically , like

30:06

it all comes back to that . Um , so

30:10

for me it's , it's being

30:13

lovable , having love

30:15

, receiving love , giving love without

30:18

circumstances , without consequences

30:22

, without self-abandoning

30:25

. Worthy

30:27

for me is like just knowing

30:29

who I am .

30:32

What were some ways that you

30:34

would . What

30:36

are some ways that you love yourself , that you're loving

30:38

yourself now , that you were showing yourself love

30:41

now , or showing yourself that you're worthy now that you

30:43

wouldn't typically before it

30:46

really is staying soft , staying

30:49

really soft and feminine

30:51

and keeping my heart open .

30:53

Um , because prior

30:56

it was like I'm gonna

30:58

give you part of me , you're going

31:00

to validate I'm worthy of love

31:02

. That means I have some power

31:05

and control , right , it's like this

31:07

like back and forth thing . It's like very

31:09

codependent and now

31:12

it's like I don't need any of that and

31:15

so I

31:17

don't know I'm I'm actually really interested to see how

31:19

this is going to unfold for me

31:21

, not going into , like the hard

31:24

parts of myself and being

31:26

really strong , like

31:28

quote unquote strong , like

31:37

not keeping the shells and the barricades and the locks

31:39

and like all the things up against me . I still feel

31:41

very open and like literally even the smallest

31:43

parts of my life , like I'm eating differently

31:46

because it feels softer in my body . I'm

31:48

doing Pilates instead of doing

31:50

like a hard hit workout . I'm

31:53

, you know , sleeping in a little

31:55

bit more when before I was like okay , 5

31:57

am club , like we gotta get up and hustle

32:00

, you know it's . It's like small

32:02

iterations in my daily routine

32:04

that really add up to

32:06

make me love myself and

32:08

feel really worthy of my existence

32:10

like purpose and

32:13

deep love of the self

32:15

.

32:16

It's so interesting because I feel like with

32:18

respect to self-worth and

32:20

talking about something from an

32:22

embodied place , and by embodied

32:25

I mean wisdom

32:27

. When I say wisdom , I mean by a lived experience

32:29

. The reason why I'm unpacking

32:32

these words is because I feel like for so long when

32:34

I would hear people talk about I'm in my feminine . I

32:36

need to be in my feminine , I need to be in flow . Yeah

32:38

, I'm worthy , I'm like all of these

32:40

, like I . I get it logically but

32:42

like tangibly what the fuck ? Right

32:44

? Yeah . And so I've

32:47

noticed in my own journey , the

32:50

deeper I get with myself , meaning

32:53

when I meet myself in

32:55

the shadowy parts what do I mean by shadow ? The

32:57

parts that I felt like I didn't love about myself

32:59

and realize okay , why do I feel

33:02

this way ? What is this telling me ? How

33:04

can I be a companion with the fear ? How

33:06

can I take a new action that allows the fear

33:08

to show up , so that I can be in a void to

33:10

allow something new to create in my

33:13

life a new pattern ? I've

33:15

noticed that in that depth , I

33:18

start to feel more

33:20

. By feeling more . I feel

33:22

happiness way more

33:25

, I feel sadness way more

33:27

, I feel love way more

33:29

, and I didn't think that

33:31

there was a more , to more right

33:33

.

33:33

Like , you're like yeah .

33:35

I love you , I've capped out . I've capped out . This

33:37

is the max love I could ever feel . And then I'm

33:39

like , wow , I'm loving myself so much more

33:41

and I feel like I have that much more to give

33:43

to someone else . And it ends up being

33:45

um , actually

33:49

heard that this was wrong , but as above , so

33:52

below , or the above is the below

33:54

, however you want to phrase that , but

33:56

it's true . Like the depth in which I

33:58

can meet myself allows

34:00

me to meet other people , and it's not

34:02

lost on me that this is an interpersonal

34:04

relationship . Is what you're talking about ? Relationships

34:07

Worth around , interpersonal

34:09

relationships , whether that be romantic

34:11

friendship , whatever it is

34:13

business . You

34:16

, meeting yourself here and being soft

34:18

here allows you to experience . You

34:20

, meeting yourself here and being soft here allows you to experience the depth of the

34:22

pain , allows you to experience

34:24

the maximum

34:27

, the equal opposite . I mean , it's a universal

34:29

law .

34:30

Yes , it's a universal law , yeah

34:32

, so how that's showing up

34:34

in my life , just to like unpack it a little bit

34:36

more , I'm like the feminine and the softness

34:38

, right . So

34:44

I could go hard and then things would be hard or I could stay soft

34:47

, which I've been in , and what

34:49

I'm receiving by staying

34:51

in the soft is more abundant

34:53

than I've ever had , and

34:56

so I'm receiving at

34:58

a capacity that I didn't even know was available

35:01

to me , because I wouldn't let

35:03

myself stay soft or

35:05

even like explore that , because

35:07

I thought I needed to be hyper-independent

35:09

and strong and masculine and get shit done and

35:11

all that .

35:12

So yeah , to your point is

35:14

being soft has allowed

35:17

me to receive , and then

35:20

I'm not feeling like I have to outsource , I'm just accepting

35:23

, right it's like this

35:25

acceptance which I feel like ends

35:27

up being balance not

35:30

always , but most of the time and

35:32

I , what I'm coming to realize is that

35:34

the pendulum will swing

35:37

, yeah , and it's our purpose

35:40

to be in balance , in harmony

35:42

with this side of the pendulum

35:44

and this side of the pendulum . Because you

35:46

could go back , you could go hyper

35:48

feminine and then , yeah , we foot

35:52

off the gas and the masculine , but then we have

35:54

intention with no action , right

35:56

, right ? Or you can go hyper

35:58

on the masculine and we only have

36:00

action , no intention . We're wondering why

36:02

, like , the morality of it all feels

36:05

off , but the

36:07

balance is where your intentions

36:09

meet , your actions , yeah , and then

36:11

true change happens . How

36:14

are you preventing yourself from allowing the pendulum

36:16

to swing fully ? if you are

36:18

actually , yeah , receiving

36:20

abundance by being in so much

36:22

flow .

36:23

Yeah , so it's a . It could be a slippery

36:25

slope , right , but for me , like

36:27

I truly don't believe in balance . So

36:30

, hot take here and I think that we

36:32

have moments of balance . But

36:34

to be in a state of balance I don't believe

36:36

in , um , because we're oscillating always

36:39

. Like we woke up this morning feeling a certain

36:41

way the day brought us into

36:44

a different part of the pendulum , right , and

36:46

so for me it's really like bringing

36:48

the ends of the pendulum closer

36:51

together , so , rather than them swinging

36:53

from one side to this far

36:55

edge side , it's making

36:57

the pendulum smaller , and so

36:59

the vibration between

37:02

the two is much smaller

37:04

, and then it feels like it's in

37:06

balance but , really like you're not

37:08

drifting too far from one side to the

37:10

other , and so that's where I'm finding

37:12

myself at right now is , how can

37:14

I find those like micro moments

37:16

in between ? I don't want a huge pendulum

37:18

, I want a tiny little , microscopic

37:21

pendulum .

37:22

Controllable pendulum ? It's not about control

37:25

. I'm just joking with you . I'm

37:28

just joking with you but with

37:31

respect to that having

37:33

not much variance , how

37:37

I feel like someone listening might be like that's

37:39

exhausting . I have to , and

37:42

I think it could be because

37:44

I have to be so present to

37:46

be able to flip it back and forth and

37:48

flip it back and forth . You do have to

37:50

be present , you do , but what would you say

37:52

to somebody who's like this , is so exhausting , that

37:54

seems exhausting . It seems more

37:56

exhausting to be right , a

37:59

smaller swivel , cause you're constant

38:01

. It's a constant reframe , there's a constant redirection

38:03

. Um , you're

38:06

being proactive , yes , right , and I

38:08

feel like you get better outcomes when you're proactive , as

38:10

opposed to allowing

38:12

yourself to be in so much flow and receive and

38:14

receive , and receive . And then now you've gotten somewhere

38:16

and you're like wait , I lost myself , right , or

38:19

in so much action and you're like , wait , I lost

38:21

myself . Yeah

38:23

, you're kind of like on cruise control for a little bit and then

38:25

eventually you are . You arrive to the point where

38:27

you're tired of your own shit , yeah , and

38:30

then you make a change . But what would you say to somebody

38:32

who is like that , feels exhausting ?

38:34

it is exhausting , but in that

38:36

journey you , you gain spiritual

38:39

resilience , energetic resilience

38:41

, and that's the whole point . Right is

38:43

to have the capacity

38:45

to hold larger

38:48

space , have a

38:50

wider bandwidth to experience

38:53

yourself , and in

38:55

that is when the pendulum actually gets

38:57

smaller . It's how much

38:59

of you can you hold

39:02

? And so when

39:04

we're used to running away from ourselves

39:06

, that's like the easy way

39:09

out , you know . That's why people who have grown up in trauma

39:11

love chaos . We understand chaos

39:13

. I know what to do in chaos . My body

39:15

knows how to respond in chaos . I'll choose chaos

39:17

because I know i's predictable

39:20

. When you're holding space

39:22

for yourself and loving yourself in the shadow

39:24

and the light and the masculine and the feminine , in

39:26

these micro moments of balance , is

39:29

that's where you're able

39:31

to like , really feel into

39:33

the presence of self and not

39:35

run away from the self . And it's just

39:37

like anything new that you're trying out , like you're

39:40

. It's going to take some time . It's a

39:42

muscle that you have to train a little bit

39:44

, but once you're training it , there's no turning

39:46

back . There's no like when

39:48

you know , you know , yeah , you when you know

39:50

you can't unknow , you cannot

39:52

unknow .

39:53

And now you're making a conscious decision

39:55

to choose the wrong thing , which is the which

39:57

ends up feeling even harder , yeah , than when you were subconsciously choosing the wrong

40:00

thing , which ends up feeling even harder than when you were subconsciously choosing

40:02

the wrong thing .

40:02

I'll say it does come with like

40:05

how

40:08

do I describe this ? Even Like your

40:12

soul signed up for it for one , and

40:14

so you're going to get there eventually

40:16

. But it's like how long do you want to be on the

40:18

journey and imagine the output

40:20

of energy that it takes going from one

40:22

side of the pendulum to the huge other side of the pendulum

40:25

, rather than these micro ones ? Right

40:27

, I would rather use my energy

40:29

and well spent in the

40:31

micro moments , knowing that I'll get a better

40:33

output there , than trying to recalibrate

40:36

every time . So , yes , it's

40:38

hard , but your

40:40

soul is ready and prepared for it . You wouldn't

40:42

even be thinking about it if it wasn't your time

40:44

. And this is maybe just an initiation

40:47

into that , or like a clue , like

40:49

a little breadcrumb of like Hmm , I've heard that a couple of times

40:52

, why does that keep coming up ? And then

40:54

you know rabbit hole .

40:55

Then you're deep . You're deep right

40:57

down there . And then everyone else at the bottom

40:59

like welcome , hello , with tears

41:01

in their eyes , happy and painful ones . I'm

41:06

curious at this version

41:08

of you . What would

41:10

you tell whatever

41:13

version of you ? What would you tell

41:15

them ? And you decide

41:17

the version of you I

41:19

don't know the version that might need to hear what

41:21

this version of Sam has to say , because

41:24

you are so different in

41:26

the best way . Yeah , where you've

41:28

come , where you are right now , is a

41:31

different Sam than I've ever seen .

41:33

Yeah , I would say

41:35

even to myself six months ago oh

41:50

yeah , it's going

41:52

to be scary , but , like I've been through scarier things and

41:58

if this means you get to truly love yourself , then lean all

42:00

the way in . And

42:03

I think that's where a lot of us get hung up is not knowing when the end is going

42:05

to happen , because the end is just the beginning , right , right , it's , it's always

42:07

that way , and so for

42:10

the six month ago

42:12

version of me , there was

42:14

a lot of things that I was scared of

42:16

, because I didn't know what it was going to look like and

42:19

and I had like made this whole vision

42:21

of what my life was going to look like . And

42:23

now it's not that at all , and

42:26

I'm so excited

42:28

for what is to come because I

42:30

do know myself better , I have so

42:32

much more worth and I'm like , oh damn

42:34

, like this is going to get real good

42:36

, because what I thought was going to be good

42:39

is beautiful

42:42

in its own right for that version

42:44

of Sam . But now I'm really excited

42:46

for what's to come . So it's going to be scary

42:48

, but it's going to be worth it .

42:49

Yeah , I , I feel like

42:52

oftentimes , when I'm in a situation

42:54

where I'm like , oh shit , this is the end , and

42:56

it's feeling really chaotic , yeah , but

42:58

I now I know that I'm

43:00

getting into this initiation of transformation

43:03

I'm like I don't know when is the end

43:05

going to stop ? When , in

43:07

this scenario , do I stop reaping

43:09

the repercussions of the

43:11

decisions that I had made , and

43:14

where does the new repercussions

43:17

and the positive start to show up ? I

43:20

feel like that can be really hard to

43:22

stomach , because you don't . You don't have a

43:25

line of sight on when is the end Right

43:27

? What has kept you going down

43:29

the path of still choosing to

43:31

love yourself ? Because autopilot

43:34

, I know you

43:36

know , feels safer .

43:39

I'm , I don't , I don't feel like I have a choice

43:41

in this , honestly , like I

43:44

know too much and

43:47

what ? Am I going to stay stagnant ? I

43:49

don't have that bone in my body , that doesn't

43:51

exist inside of me , and so

43:54

there's just not another option . Like I

43:56

must go forward and for me , you

43:58

know , borrowing confidence from historical

44:01

evidence of myself being able to

44:03

be resilient through things that I thought I was not

44:05

going to make it through , quite literally

44:07

, you know , and knowing

44:10

that , okay , I did it . Then I

44:12

grew from that . I have a stronger

44:15

muscle and resilience . I know that I

44:17

can do it here . I don't like

44:19

it . I will kick and scream

44:22

through the process . My

44:24

inner child is angry , and

44:27

I know that I'm soothing

44:29

a part of her at the same time

44:31

. So it's , you know , like I'm a parent

44:33

, I I tell my son things

44:35

that he can't do for his safety all

44:37

the time , and he's kicking and screaming through it and I'm

44:39

like , baby , I know that you don't like

44:41

hearing this , but I'm protecting you , and

44:44

so the journey is like protecting

44:46

your inner child and helping

44:48

her or him get to the other side

44:51

, and so it's

44:53

not a pretty process at all , um

44:55

, but you've , I know for

44:57

a fact , everybody listening to this has been

45:00

through something hard and you survived

45:02

through it and you came out on the other

45:04

side knowing something deeper

45:06

about yourself , maybe loving yourself more

45:08

or maybe having an opportunity to

45:10

lean into that , and so it

45:13

really is light on the other side . It's hard when

45:15

you're in the middle of it , because it feels really

45:17

dark and you're like we've been here for a long

45:19

time , when is this ride going to be over ? Because it feels really dark and you're

45:21

like we've been here for a long time , when is this ride going to be over ? Um

45:23

, but I would say the quicker that you can surrender to that

45:26

, the quicker you get out of it , and

45:28

surrender is one of those words to like

45:30

, logically , we understand , right

45:32

, and you can be in the middle of

45:34

something . So I'm a sound healer . So people

45:37

often say like I'm in

45:39

session and I'm like , okay , surrender

45:41

, surrender , surrender , release , release , release , just

45:43

let go . And by

45:45

repeating that over and over again

45:48

is not surrendering and

45:50

letting go . It's truly like

45:52

hands wide open

45:54

, I am not going to try anymore

45:57

. Right , and allowing the void to

45:59

do what it's meant

46:02

to do is create space yeah

46:05

, I feel , I'm starting to more and more feel

46:07

like words are not enough .

46:09

No for embodied

46:12

terms

46:15

or terms that require embodiment

46:17

, like surrender , like

46:20

self-worth , like even self-love

46:22

, yeah , like wisdom

46:27

.

46:27

I agree with you on all of those , because

46:30

it's one thing to say the words , to understand

46:32

the meaning of them , and it's surface

46:34

level , like we understand the surface

46:37

of it , and it's not

46:39

until it can go like deep into

46:41

ourselves , cells , and then there's

46:43

an understanding , rather than understanding

46:46

like right under the surface or in

46:48

to it . Right , yeah , and so

46:50

it's this understanding of what these

46:52

terms really mean , and oftentimes

46:54

it's different than what we think it is . Oh , a hundred

46:57

percent .

46:57

Oh , my gosh , a hundred percent , even

46:59

with grief . And I feel like there are stages

47:02

of grief in relation to realizing

47:05

how you've outsourced , you , fill in the blank

47:07

, to realizing , oh , I'm

47:09

the one that's going to do this . This

47:11

is why I've been outsourcing it , because I need somebody

47:13

to fill me . And the grief

47:16

of what you thought was

47:18

, and then having to deal with all of those things

47:20

, one of the phases of grief

47:22

, my embodied version

47:24

of that , was that , um

47:26

, nothing means anything , like

47:29

nothing means nothing , like there's no

47:31

meaning to anything . What

47:33

is life even ? What's the purpose ? Why are

47:35

we doing this ? Why are we here ? It's

47:37

like grief has given such a beautiful , beautiful

47:40

perspective that

47:42

eventually I started to stumble onto oh

47:44

, this is why , like

47:46

, this is why chaos has

47:49

to happen . It's a refinement . This is

47:51

why you meet

47:53

the same person over and over . It's a refinement

47:55

, this is why you made those choices

47:57

. It's a refinement , like it's given

47:59

such a beautiful perspective on the other end of

48:01

it , but I would have never . That was

48:04

all embodied , an

48:06

embodied emotion that I can put terms

48:08

to , to help someone understand

48:10

the feelings that I felt . But I still feel like words are

48:12

not enough .

48:13

It's lacking it really is

48:16

, and I think that's just a shortcoming

48:18

on the human existence . But that's

48:20

also why we are here is to experience

48:22

all of that and to find understanding

48:25

and remember who

48:27

we are . Remember that feeling it's

48:29

, that it's not that it doesn't exist within

48:31

you . You just have to remember what it feels like

48:33

. So it's like really

48:36

like turning up the notches and like opening

48:38

the gasket and letting things flood through you

48:40

and be like oh oh , I remember this , right

48:42

, this is familiar , right ? I

48:44

?

48:44

want to . I

48:47

want to close with um

48:49

a ton of gratitude for

48:51

you showing up so authentically

48:53

. I feel like being

48:58

at the position that you're in and serving

49:00

in the way that you serve it

49:02

. Not . I feel like there's not a

49:04

lot of grace afforded to people to

49:07

be able to be vulnerable and authentic and go

49:09

through something , because

49:11

everyone looks to you and

49:13

my outsource their knowing and their intuition

49:15

and all the things to you and

49:17

I real and I want to be cognizant

49:19

that . You know that that's like this thing

49:22

that you might bear . It's not yours to bear , but

49:24

I just want to acknowledge how that could

49:27

be really difficult to show up here in

49:29

this space and

49:32

be so vulnerable and so open . So

49:34

I appreciate you for that .

49:35

Thank you , thank you for saying that . And

49:37

it is like it's a big , big thing , like

49:39

people depend on me to

49:42

be a rock and be

49:44

solid and come to for wisdom

49:46

, and when I'm going through my own stuff

49:48

, I'm like I

49:51

give me a pause for a second

49:53

, let me just be human , and

49:56

so thank you for creating space for that

49:58

. And I also think

50:00

like if I can't show

50:02

up this way , I'm really not

50:04

doing what I am preaching .

50:06

So isn't it ? Life is so

50:08

funny . You always make you practice what you preach Better

50:11

do it . Who's the person talking

50:13

about transformation ? Oh me . Oh

50:15

, I have to go through it on my own . Oh interesting

50:17

, yeah , Okay , cool . Well

50:19

, I love you . Thank you so much . Thank you , I love you

50:21

can I

50:23

just say thank you so much for being

50:25

here . It means the world to me that we're growing

50:27

together , so if there's someone that you thought

50:30

of while listening , please share it with them too , and

50:32

when you share it , let them know that they're not on this

50:34

journey alone . But also , if you just

50:36

love this episode , take a screenshot

50:38

, share it on Instagram and tag me at Aisha

50:41

so I can thank you for hanging with me on this journey . Oh

50:43

, and one more thing Don't forget to rate and

50:45

write a review with your favorite takeaway , so this podcast

50:47

can be shared with more people . And before I

50:50

go , I want to thank you again for being here .