0:00

Angie has made it easier than ever to

0:02

connect with skilled professionals to get all

0:04

your home projects done well. Just

0:06

bring them your project online or with the

0:08

Angie app and answer a few questions. With

0:11

Angie, you can book instantly at an upfront

0:13

price or request and compare quotes

0:15

from multiple pros so you can find

0:17

the best price for your project. So

0:20

the next time you have a home project, just

0:22

Angie that and start getting the most out

0:24

of your home. Get the free Angie

0:26

mobile app today or visit Angie.com.

0:30

That's A-N-G-I dot com.

0:32

Prime Big Deal days are coming October 10th and

0:35

11th with two days of big savings exclusively

0:37

for Prime members. You'll feel like a VIP.

0:40

Right this way. Your hair dryer deal is

0:42

waiting. Sweet. Deals from clothes

0:44

to electronics. It's on Prime Big Deal days, October

0:46

10th and 11th. People

0:52

of Earth. The following Autumn podcast

0:55

is not real. Yes,

0:57

Autumn is here. And like that

0:59

college friend staying in your guest bedroom

1:01

while running their mail order CBD gummy

1:04

business, it is showing no signs

1:06

of leaving. Soon, as is your

1:09

Earth custom, we can drag the Autumn

1:11

groundhog out of its hole and,

1:13

during hours of grueling interrogation,

1:16

determine if we're going to have 12 more

1:18

weeks of hang on, I'm getting a message.

1:21

Dear framing device, please

1:24

discontinue with endorsing

1:26

animal cruelty. Not these

1:28

people again. Look, I've said it before.

1:31

I'm inconsiderate to all species

1:33

on this planet. I don't play favorites.

1:36

So before we take to the streets to

1:38

drag uncooperative psychic rodents

1:41

from their nests, let's sit back

1:43

and enjoy the show.

2:06

Hello

2:07

from the Magic Tavern! A

2:10

weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon!

2:12

I'm your host, Arnie E. Camp, the greatest warrior

2:14

in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast

2:16

before, this is everything you need to know. Eight

2:19

and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

2:21

behind a Burger King in Chicago into the

2:23

magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily,

2:26

I'm still getting a wifi signal from the Burger

2:28

King through the dimensional rift, and I used

2:30

that to upload this podcast recorded here

2:32

in the Tavern, the strange familiar in

2:35

the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the Unnamed

2:37

Wall Mountain in the magical land of Foon,

2:39

chronicling my quest to

2:42

make Foon better as the greatest warrior

2:44

in all of Foon. And I am joined, as always,

2:47

by my co-host, by my sidekick

2:49

in my adventures, Chump the Talking Badger!

2:51

Boy oh boy, chronicling is a hard word.

2:54

Yes, chronicling. Chronicling. Chronicling.

2:57

Chronicling. Chronicling. Chronicling.

3:00

We should do away with it. Oh, if I only had, Arnie,

3:03

if I still had Micro Knight and Lance, I

3:05

would make chronicling disappear. For

3:07

good. Boy, I really miss having those guys

3:09

in their song. Yeah, that power

3:12

was too powerful. But luckily,

3:14

Fleeting. Yeah, that's good. That's good.

3:16

Oh Arnie, I wanted to talk to you. You

3:18

know how Chump for Red October is coming up? Oh

3:21

yeah, I guess it is October, isn't it? So

3:24

I was going over, you know, the types of monsters

3:26

we haven't had on, because we've had just

3:28

a plethora of monsters on, and

3:30

I'm running out of ideas. So I have a few, I don't

3:32

know if you have any ideas. I thought maybe we could

3:34

have, um, there's Scooter the Shadow,

3:37

he's like, um, he's a shadow. Okay.

3:40

Uh, there's Frank and Brian, it's a guy who turned himself

3:42

into a pickle. Um.

3:45

Sounds delicious. Maybe like an eel,

3:47

or like a funny chair

3:49

or something. I feel like I'm really

3:52

running out of ideas. Chump, are we out of

3:55

October ideas? Maybe if we're down to funny

3:57

chair. I mean, although I'm starting

3:59

to come around on funny chair exactly

4:02

right because I don't know just a different

4:04

perspective but it's just I mean last year

4:06

we had a classic spooky

4:08

guest a haunted house that

4:10

talks yes which is yeah about

4:13

is about as spooky as it gets yeah

4:15

we've had vampires and werewolves I

4:17

think we had some mummies on perhaps for a mummy

4:19

were werewolves again and werewolves again

4:22

so Arnie is there any is there any like spooky

4:24

monster creature you can think of that I can add to

4:26

the list just to kind of put out feelers

4:29

clown oh or also what you just

4:31

said feelers feeler feelers yeah

4:34

ooh yeah ooh Arnie

4:37

I know some tentacles are they

4:39

can they talk that's the that's the thing though Arnie

4:42

you've been here long enough you should know better for

4:45

shame that's right everything talks

4:47

that well they can't talk they can scream oh

4:50

okay but screaming is what here's the thing screaming

4:52

is talking for them so are you willing to

4:54

have 45 to 50 bit in a I've

4:57

just scream no no

5:00

no where's your door yeah

5:03

speaking of screaming my mentor

5:06

in saving food he's kind of my

5:08

Obi-Wan Kenobi

5:09

you said or the wizard I am you

5:12

sort of a wizard of the 12th realm of a pth

5:14

master of light and shadow many of you think I was master

5:16

of the light the power of chaos champion

5:18

of the great halls of truckers the elves is

5:20

feeling yellow the dwarves know me is sodden

5:23

and hook Stangies and I am known

5:25

throughout the northeast as gas mania's may

5:27

start delivery and there may

5:29

be other easy could only chairs oh

5:33

names if air would ever

5:35

cross my lips most

5:38

assuredly those words

5:40

would take form you would see

5:42

them floating through the sky okay

5:44

and the vile and poison

5:47

that they would create would burn through not

5:49

only the chair in front of you funny

5:51

or not but you're very scared

5:55

but you're not they're funny they

5:57

wouldn't be called funny chairs if they were not just saying

5:59

like it Any kind of chair, a funny chair or

6:01

not funny chair, it's still burned through them. You know what you

6:03

said, Orton? Just because you said that, I'm gonna give away one of

6:05

your secret names. The tentacles, now you as... Huh!

6:08

Oh yeah, yeah, obviously. That was

6:10

an easy one. Oh, okay. I didn't know

6:13

if I said it right. HUH! HUH! HUH!

6:16

HUH! Orton, can you say it? HUH!

6:18

No. No? What did I say then? You

6:21

said not- You did not want to repeat it. Yeah. Okay.

6:23

You said something very offensive. But, you know-

6:26

Excuse me, pardon

6:28

my interruption, but- Are you Mr.

6:30

Arnold Neekamp? Oh!

6:33

Yeah, I'm just- Do you know me

6:35

from my great feats as the greatest warrior in all of the

6:37

world? Another fan, just a man from another

6:39

world. Let me get the pin out. Here

6:42

you go, Arnie, if you want to sign in on the ground. Oh

6:44

yeah, actually I was hoping I

6:46

could offer you this fresh plate

6:49

of chicken cordon bleu. Oh,

6:52

huh. Here's one of the posters we can't- Unable

6:54

to sell. No one works that much. Huh,

6:56

this guy's- Sign that. This has two

6:58

ordates on it, but they're from a few

7:00

years ago. Arnie, careful, this guy is mopping

7:02

his brow with some sort of kerchief. And he's

7:04

wearing suspenders, so be careful. I love chicken

7:07

cordon bleu, and it's been weeks since I've

7:09

had any cutlery, or since I've had a plate,

7:11

so I'm very excited about this. Arnie,

7:14

I have a full meal

7:16

for you, sir. Please, here's

7:18

a side of collard grits.

7:21

Oh. Fried green potatoes.

7:24

Fried green potatoes? Yes,

7:27

come on! Eat

7:29

up! Look, I something's wrong with

7:31

these potatoes. Why is this making me think of? Yeah,

7:33

Arnie, these grits do have little collards on

7:35

them. They must be business grits. You should

7:38

eat them before they get cold. Oh, it's chicken

7:40

cordon bleu. Arnie! Arnie, don't eat that!

7:42

What? I believe if you eat that, you

7:45

may be summoned into a court of law. What?

7:48

Oh, just one bite, just one little

7:51

nibble now. It- it walks through. Yeah,

7:54

and to polish it all off, just

7:57

a nice, thick piece.

10:00

There's something seems familiar

10:02

but also strange about it. Oh no, we've never

10:04

been. We've never been acquainted,

10:07

I'm afraid. Yeah, you look like somebody else but

10:09

with a mustache. Doesn't you look like somebody else

10:11

but with a mustache? Or anything? You look just like somebody

10:14

we know but with a mustache. And of course with mopping

10:16

his brow at the kerchief. Yeah, I guess most people with

10:18

mustaches look like somebody else but with a mustache.

10:21

Well, I suppose if you aren't hungry,

10:24

there are others that I could give

10:26

this meal to. I'll just pack

10:29

it away. Oh no,

10:30

no, no, that's awesome. Arnie, Arnie,

10:32

don't fret. I'm about to come back with a fresh salad.

10:35

Just one minute. I worked day

10:37

and night on this meal. Ooh,

10:40

I followed my mother's recipes.

10:42

Every eye was dotted

10:45

and every T was crossed.

10:47

And I made the finest meal I've

10:49

ever made. So your mother has very impeccable

10:51

handwriting, is that what you're saying? It really

10:54

does. The finest handwriting in all

10:56

of food. But sir, if

10:58

you cannot enjoy this meal, I

11:00

will gladly give it to someone

11:02

else. Arnie, he's packing away the piece of

11:04

cake in a suitcase that's shaped like a piece of cake.

11:07

No, Arnie, if you're not going to, I'm going

11:09

to. Okay, no, no, yeah, I'm going to start with some... I'm

11:11

just going to start with all seven T. Well

11:15

now, Miss Arnie-neek-kip. Allow

11:18

me to introduce myself and

11:21

throw back my hood. Arnor

11:24

the lawyer at your service,

11:26

the greatest lawyer in all of food, and

11:29

one half-brother to Arnor

11:32

the warrior. Oh, fuck. That's

11:34

what it was. Yeah, he's Arnor with the mustache.

11:36

Yeah, holy cow. And you, Mr.

11:39

Arnor-neek-kip, have just

11:41

been served. Oh, just

11:45

been served a meal? You're all right. Thank you for this.

11:48

Mr. Neekamp, do you need to tell me

11:50

you do not know how the

11:53

court system of food works? No,

11:55

surprisingly. You have just been served

11:58

as summons to court. Bonnie,

12:02

right here. In eating the meal I

12:04

delivered, you RSVP'd

12:07

and you will see the summons when

12:09

your RSVP'd put out. I

12:12

like this guy. I like this guy. Okay, yeah, me

12:14

too. Me too. But I'm a little

12:16

worried. What am I? What could I be summoned

12:18

for? I mean, I guess

12:20

I have committed several crimes over my eight and

12:23

a half years, but below the average

12:25

amount that a person in food would commit. Yes,

12:27

sir, I am the greatest lawyer in all

12:29

of food and I intend to rake

12:32

you over the coals for the wrongful

12:34

death of my brother, Hono

12:37

the Warrior. Oh no, Arnie, you're gonna be raked

12:39

over the coals. That's gonna hurt so bad,

12:41

but don't worry, Usodora and I will figure out

12:43

some way to regrow your skin or put some salve

12:46

on that. I'm not used to being threatened with such colorful

12:48

language. Maybe we can get Tormaline's dad's

12:50

rake. You are gonna be tried

12:54

and convicted of wrongful death,

12:57

defamation, and lying

12:59

under oath. Yes, sir. You

13:02

are gonna face the greatest

13:05

penalty with your very

13:07

life. Wait,

13:10

I'm gonna be accused of lying under oath? Oh

13:12

yes. Oh yes, sir. I have all the

13:14

evidence I need. Of lying

13:17

under oath? I haven't even been under

13:19

oath. Oh, sir, you have been under oath many

13:21

times and not known it. Really? Yeah,

13:24

oath is the name of my private detective.

13:27

She is a windwalker. Who knows?

13:30

Oh no. Tip toes quietly in the

13:32

air. And several times she

13:35

has been directly above you and

13:37

heard you say many, many naughty

13:39

fibs. Honi, that's why you always look up before

13:41

you lie.

13:43

I've told you this so many times. I do have. You

13:46

do bring that up a lot. I knew you saw it

13:48

said look up before you lie. Even

13:50

if oath wasn't there sometime in your life,

13:53

I tend to swear it's in every

13:55

morning while you two are still asleep. What?

13:58

Why?

14:03

I

16:00

have to say I might be

16:03

boiling internally from

16:05

the anger that is welling

16:07

within me for the wrongful

16:10

death of the greatest warrior

16:12

in all of food. Quick

16:15

time out. We do, I'm so

16:17

sorry, Barney, we

16:19

do have to take a quick break. Why don't we do that and then

16:21

we'll come back and we'll see the trial of

16:23

Barney, Miguel? Yes. We

16:26

were going straight to trial? Adjourned. Barney

16:28

swore us in.

16:35

Picture this, you're sitting at your Christmas

16:37

dinner and you surprise your family by

16:39

starting an argument, I mean discussion, in

16:42

a new language. Start

16:44

today and get ready to say pardon my French

16:46

at Christmas dinner because with Babbel

16:48

you start speaking a new language in just

16:51

three weeks. Babbel is so easy

16:53

to use that I've been learning French

16:55

just in case Arnie ever takes me to Paris.

16:58

Bonjour, merci, excusez-moi,

17:01

baby. With over 10 million subscriptions

17:03

sold, Babbel is real language learning for

17:05

real conversations. Here's a special

17:08

limited time deal for our listeners to get

17:10

you started right now. Get 55%

17:12

off your Babbel subscription but only for our listeners

17:15

at babbel.com. Get 55%

17:18

off at babbel.com. Rules

17:25

and restrictions may apply.

17:31

There are so many amazing days on

17:33

the way to your wedding day and Zola's

17:35

here for all of them.

17:36

Like the day you find your perfect

17:38

venue, the day you almost skip

17:40

to the mailbox to send your invites, and

17:42

the day you realize making a budget isn't

17:44

so scary.

17:45

Zola has everything you need to plan the

17:47

wedding you want, like a free website

17:50

for your guests to RSVP and shop

17:52

your registry. On those not-so-amazing

17:54

days,

17:55

talk to Team Z, Zola's expert wedding

17:57

advisors, who know exactly what you're going through.

18:00

They're

18:00

here to answer any questions or

18:02

just listen to you vent. From getting

18:04

engaged to getting married, Zola

18:06

is here for all the days along the way. Start

18:09

planning at Zola.com. That's

18:11

Z-O-L-A dot com.

18:18

Order order everyone. I'm taking

18:21

a quick order if anybody wants some food

18:23

while we do this trial. Roosters feet.

18:26

Yeah. That was good. One

18:34

of those barn or finger chain things. Oh I'm doing just fine. Thank

18:36

you very much. Okay. Well

18:38

court is in session. So Barney

18:40

take it away. Well

18:43

ladies and gentlemen of

18:45

the jury. It is my intention. Who is he talking

18:47

to? It is my intention to

18:49

prove on this day that

18:52

Mr. Arnold Neekamp

18:54

has wrongfully taken

18:57

the name of Arnie, has

18:59

lied under oath and called himself

19:01

the greatest warrior in all of Boone and

19:05

is the perpetrator of

19:07

the wrongful and horrific

19:10

murder of Arnold

19:12

the warrior. Do I?

19:13

Now

19:17

your honor in defense of this

19:19

man I must be allowed to speak. Your

19:22

honor.

19:23

Chant.

19:24

Yes. I'll allow it. I'll

19:26

allow anything really. If anybody wants to do anything

19:29

I'll allow it. Oh great. Go fucking

19:31

nuts. Honestly go fucking nuts. Hell

19:33

yeah. It pleases the court. Can I just say that pleases the

19:35

court. Excellent. It was pretty cool. In

19:37

defense of this man. He's not of our world. He

19:40

barely understands our ways though he's been alive

19:42

but only eight and a half

19:45

years but

19:51

a simple babe in our world when you think about

19:53

it that way. As if he was born

19:56

into Boone not in ten years

19:58

ago. Now I.

19:59

I as a wizard who's been alive for over 350 years,

20:02

I can see life. Pass

20:07

by in what seems like the blink of an eye.

20:10

This man knows not what he does

20:12

and is not culpable for his many,

20:14

many terrible crimes. Well,

20:18

Eusodor, I must agree with you. The

20:21

man does seem to be a stranger

20:24

in what is to him a strange land,

20:27

and he does not understand us always.

20:30

But let me ask you, Eusodor, do

20:32

we understand Mr. Nican?

20:35

Good question. I love the part

20:37

where the lawyers interview each other. Yes.

20:39

Just a quick interjection.

20:40

Just before I lose track of what was

20:42

said, Arnie, just

20:45

to kind of help prove that

20:47

you're sort of befuddled or adelbrained, what's,

20:50

I want the court to see, Arnie, let's

20:53

do some simple math. Wink,

20:55

wink, thumbs up. First of all, don't call me adelbrained. Call

20:58

me chutbrained. Let's not get it mixed up. Right,

21:00

right. My bad, my bad.

21:03

What's seven plus three?

21:05

The number. Damn

21:07

it, that's right. Yeah. Oh,

21:09

Arnie. I gave you a softball. It is clear that the

21:11

man is well with him, his width. And

21:14

I beg the court to let us proceed

21:17

with this trial.

21:19

We can proceed. Yeah, I did

21:21

really like when the lawyers were interviewing each other. So let's

21:23

put this table over here. We like this candle.

21:25

Put a plate of spaghetti down. It's

21:27

two forks. And go ahead and continue to interview each other.

21:30

Oh, yes. There are a few,

21:32

Usidor. Would you say there are

21:35

many mysterious and strange

21:37

things about Mr. Arnold Neekamp?

21:40

Well, I can't help but agree

21:42

with that. Certainly is peculiar.

21:46

Being a man from another

21:48

world, there are many

21:49

things about him to this day we do not understand.

21:53

For instance, one

21:56

strange thing he does is sometimes

21:59

when people are... saying their

22:02

greetings or their salutations or

22:04

leaving for the evening he'll go, bye bye bye,

22:07

and he thinks that's like funny or

22:09

something, and he smiles to herself. What

22:13

a strange chant, Mr. Neekhant.

22:16

A chant that sounds much like some

22:19

sort of incantation. Oh it's

22:21

a chant, I'm sorry, it's a chant. And

22:23

I will be addressed as such, also

22:26

just to pull the cord does this wig make

22:29

me look stupid?

22:31

I'm getting a lot of thumbs up, okay

22:33

let me take this off. And I like to call

22:35

the first witness, it was mostly where you were wearing

22:38

it. Yeah that's fair, that's totally fair.

22:40

Merkins are not appropriate in a place

22:42

of law. I like to call my first witness, Arnie,

22:45

this is gonna be great for you. I

22:47

like to call my first witness

22:49

the funny chair. Can

22:51

someone, sorry, can someone scooch that chair over there?

22:54

I, I, yeah, I'll get it. There.

22:58

Why is that slide funny? Uh,

23:00

are you asking the chair questions or are we?

23:03

I prefer you to do it. Oh I'd

23:05

be glad to ask the chair a few questions.

23:08

Tell me chair, have

23:10

you ever encountered Mr. Neecamp?

23:14

What? Mr.

23:16

Neecamp, we don't need you to do the voice. Oh

23:18

sorry, I can't believe that. Arnie,

23:21

you're on trial right now. What are you

23:23

doing? Everyone was looking for the chair

23:25

and I thought I was supposed to. I feel like I

23:27

don't do enough voice. Okay, yeah, yeah.

23:30

Mr. Neecamp, might I remind you

23:32

that your very life is at

23:34

stake. Yeah, you're right. For those who lose

23:36

in court are condemned to an

23:39

immediate death. Oh, by

23:41

foolish law. I

23:44

bid you on this very day, sir,

23:47

to take this matter quite seriously

23:49

as it is a matter of life

23:52

and death.

24:00

Hey, Gabble, Gabble. Okay.

24:01

Uh, sorry, uh, continue burning?

24:04

Now, Mr.

24:06

Chair, if I

24:09

may, would you say you, there

24:11

are many mysterious things about Mr.

24:14

Neekam. Yes. And

24:18

just as Mr. Neekam finds us

24:20

mysterious and doesn't understand

24:23

our ways and as a result considers

24:25

us magical in many

24:27

respects, would you say that Mr.

24:30

Neekam, in some respects, is

24:32

magical to you? Mm-hmm.

24:36

I'm so sorry I called this chair. It

24:39

is not funny. This chair is way too honest.

24:41

I'm so sorry, Arnie. Uh, permission

24:44

to cross. Yeah. Go ahead.

24:46

Funny chair. Aren't you, in fact,

24:50

a chaise lounge? Holy moly! Oh,

24:52

shit! What

24:58

did I say? I don't speak chair.

25:01

Then I suppose we should all disregard

25:04

what the chair has said to this point. Even

25:08

chair is very clearly a liar.

25:11

I demand this testimony be thrown out. And

25:13

yet the point remains, Mr.

25:15

Neekam, is to us foolish

25:18

people in many respects a

25:20

magical creature and

25:22

as

25:23

my brother, Arno the warrior,

25:25

was killed during Magical Appreciation

25:28

Month, it is a relevant

25:31

feature to say that

25:33

killing or doing violence

25:36

by any sort of magic is foreboding

25:39

in the land of food during

25:41

Magical Appreciation Month.

25:43

Fucking shit, this guy is good. This is a

25:46

good guy. This is a good guy. This

25:48

is a good guy. This is a good guy. This guy's

25:50

got access to the wiki. This guy could admit the wind. He

25:52

said I can prove that any

25:54

element of my life is a good

25:56

guy.

25:59

The magic was used in the downfall

26:02

of my dearly departed brother. Mr.

26:05

Arnold Neekamp will be guilty of having

26:08

broken Funich Law and will

26:10

be worthy of immediate execution.

26:13

Can I ask, is there a form for

26:15

me to ask hypothetical questions during this-

26:17

Oh, allow it. Hypothetically,

26:20

if I was given a magical item, and

26:22

I'm not saying this happened, if I was given a magical

26:25

item- I already have time just to make you, I want to make sure you're taken seriously.

26:27

Let me just get on your pole here and

26:29

put this time

26:30

out here. Oh, thank you. I

26:32

don't know, I kind of look a little bit like Fred Flintstone

26:34

now, but that's okay.

26:37

We'll put on your pants. Fair. Fair.

26:43

I'll get those at the next break. Hypothetically,

26:47

if I was given a magic item to

26:49

protect me, and that

26:51

hypothetically was involved in Arnold's

26:54

death, is

26:56

it possible that the person that gave me that item would

26:58

have to take the penalty instead

27:01

of me? Oh, I'll

27:03

allow it. And who was this who gave

27:05

you the item? John, it was you. What?

27:09

It was you. Oh no. Oh,

27:12

I think I've perjured myself. I

27:14

perjured myself. And that's

27:15

like, what is that? That's like a pants injury? What is perjured?

27:18

Let me cast a healing spell on you. Yeah, thank

27:20

you. You're welcome.

27:22

Your perjury is healed. Oh,

27:24

I am unperjured and it's time for the halftime

27:27

show. You sort of do some fireworks or something. Eric,

27:30

fordols. Come on, come on. Hi. So

27:32

let's enjoy this halftime show and

27:34

drink the whole steak. Hi. I...

27:38

Uh... I'm

27:39

here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm

27:42

here. I'm here. I'm here.

27:45

I'm here. I'm here. I'm

27:47

here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm

27:50

here. I'm here. I'm

27:52

here. hand-woven

28:00

linens and personalized jewelry for your wardrobe?

28:03

Etsy has it. Or maybe some stunning

28:05

artwork, pillows, and rugs for your home? Etsy

28:08

has it. How about gifts for any

28:10

occasion? Like handmade throw blankets,

28:12

mugs, totes, and rings? Yep,

28:15

Etsy has it. There's so much to

28:17

discover and we can't wait for you

28:19

to find what your style-seeking home-upgrading

28:22

gift-giving heart desires. Whatever

28:24

it is you're looking for, whether it's serveware

28:26

and table linens for entertaining, or a

28:28

handbag and a perfect jacket to make

28:30

sure you're looking like your best self at any

28:33

given moment, this is your invitation

28:35

to find it because Etsy has

28:37

it. Find home, style, and gifts

28:39

for you for all budgets and any

28:42

occasion. Etsy has it. Shop

28:44

at zee.com. Richie's,

28:46

be honest with us, how many times have you

28:49

dreamed of being a king or a queen? I mean

28:51

I can't answer for the Richie's but in my heart they're all

28:53

kings and queens. But Richie's, what if we told you that there's

28:55

a darker side to royalty? And more often

28:57

than not, life as a prince or princess is anything

29:00

but a fairy tale. Arisha and I are so

29:02

excited to tell you about our brand new podcast

29:05

called Even the Royals where we'll be pulling

29:07

back the curtain on royal families past and present

29:09

from all over the world. We do love to pull back

29:12

curtains. Over on Even the Royals

29:14

we'll cover everything from stories you thought

29:16

you knew like Marie Antoinette who was actually

29:18

a victim of a vulgar propaganda campaign

29:20

which started a wild chain of events that led to

29:23

her eventual beheading or Catherine Dibidici

29:25

who was assumed to be responsible for one of the most

29:27

devastating massacres in French history but

29:30

in reality she was a mother holding on

29:32

to her dying dynasty. Follow Even the

29:34

Royals on the Wundery app or wherever you get your

29:36

podcasts. You can listen to Even the Royals

29:38

exclusively in Act 3 right now by

29:40

joining Wundery Piss.

29:46

Ladies and gentlemen of the court or

29:48

your honor or whoever I address may

29:50

I

29:52

have a moment to just

29:54

ask a question of a barn or here.

29:57

Yeah honestly I can't trust this enough all

29:59

over.

29:59

allow it. I'll allow

30:02

anything. Bonneward? Yes.

30:04

What's your whole deal? Like, how

30:07

are you doing? Oh, it's

30:09

my whole deal. Yeah. I

30:12

mean, you're the greatest lawyer in all of them. Which

30:14

I believe. 299 victories and zero losses. So

30:19

you've never lost. Oh,

30:22

never lost. No, you can't.

30:25

If you lose at court

30:27

in food, not only does

30:29

your client immediately die, but

30:31

the lawyer is executed as

30:34

well. There are no living,

30:37

losing lawyers in food. Your

30:40

only hope to stay alive

30:43

if you lose at court in food is

30:46

to plead for mercy and

30:48

to be given a life sentence working

30:51

in the minds of Maroon 5. Oh,

30:55

death. You gotta go for death. That's

30:58

the only way you can escape

31:00

death. Oh, are you? Is a life

31:02

sentence in the minds of Maroon 5.

31:05

Oh, death is better. Death is better. Hey,

31:08

hey, hey, say, say, what are you saying? That's

31:12

what I say. Oh, every traveler

31:15

in Maroon 5 is a sad one.

31:17

A blues traveler. Yes,

31:20

sad

31:20

people in all of them. Yeah.

31:23

Oh. He's

31:25

thinking about... They'll take every last

31:27

nickel from you and they won't give

31:29

a nickel back. I'm killing

31:31

you. It's an awful place.

31:34

You don't want to go. No warm

31:37

play, only cold play of

31:39

Maroon 5. Terrible

31:41

there. They'll urge you to overkill

31:44

your enemies. They'll

31:47

smash some pumpkins. Oh, yeah, they'll

31:49

smash your mouth. Oh,

31:50

it's a bad place. Too soon. Well,

31:54

speaking of blues traveler, you sir, do you have

31:56

any sort of rebuttal?

31:59

Uh, well, you know, uh,

32:03

I believe that if you're sad, uh, you

32:06

shouldn't equate that with a color blue. Uh,

32:08

I've personally never ascribed. Okay, you're

32:10

not under attack here, Yuzuru. I thought

32:12

you were gonna allow anything. Yeah, you know what? Go

32:14

ahead. I don't think that it's appropriate

32:17

to refer to yourself as blue if you're sad. Why

32:20

not some other color like green? What

32:22

a stupid color for idiots. Yeah, we got

32:24

it, we got it, we got it, we got it. From now

32:27

on, hear thee, hear thee. Uh,

32:29

green will be associated with sadness. So

32:31

you won't be blue, you'll be green. Uh,

32:34

the blues are now called the greens. Uh,

32:36

I think that covers everything. Well, you're saying

32:38

Barney here, uh, can

32:41

continue with his arguments. Mm-hmm. Because

32:43

you like to yo, gavel, gavel. And

32:45

we should tell Tubby here that he's

32:47

probably gonna get killed. I'll allow

32:49

it. Hello? I'll allow all this. I'm

32:51

having a fucking blast, honestly. These are rules.

32:54

Barnard, doesn't it ever get in your head?

32:56

Like, the stakes seem very high

32:59

for

32:59

being a lawyer and food. Oh, yes,

33:01

but that is a commitment

33:03

that one must have to the cause

33:06

of justice. You must be willing

33:08

to fight for justice, even if it means

33:10

your own very life. Can I ask,

33:12

you don't have to answer this, maybe it's

33:14

a personal question, or maybe there's some, like,

33:17

ethics involved. I'm really intrigued.

33:19

Have you ever been on the wrong side of one,

33:21

but you still won anyway? Ooh, good

33:24

question.

33:25

Mr. Nee Camp.

33:28

Mr. Nee Camp.

33:31

Yes.

33:33

Yeah. That's the short answer. Just

33:35

you. Okay, that is, yeah, that's all I need. But,

33:38

you know what, I mean, you just, if you,

33:40

I just, I don't like to lose. Sure.

33:44

Listen, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna

33:46

die. Fighting for your own life. And

33:49

so, it's very, it's important to me that

33:51

when I fight those cases, I

33:53

do not hire oaths to, you know, hover

33:55

above. So, in a way, yeah, I mean,

33:58

you're not responsible for all. all the people that have

34:00

died because you yourself are

34:02

at risk of dying. I mean in every court

34:05

case you participate in, it's either

34:07

you or them. And so no one

34:09

in their right mind would think that

34:12

it's your fault or that you're culpable

34:14

for all the deaths that you have been

34:16

adjacent to. Oh,

34:20

do

34:21

you think someone might think that? I mean,

34:23

look, I'm nothing. I do. I'm

34:26

just... An argument could be made like,

34:28

you're the greatest lawyer in all of every

34:30

case. At least one, if not

34:32

multiple, people have died because you

34:35

won.

34:35

Wow. Guilty

34:38

is what I assume the jury's going to say is probably

34:40

guilty. And therefore,

34:43

what you're suggesting is

34:45

that, which are

34:47

in foreign,

34:49

is that

34:51

I have murdered

34:54

in some respects those

34:57

people because they wouldn't have

34:59

died had I not

35:02

argued against their case.

35:04

Those innocent people. I think that is

35:06

what he said. This is all very interesting,

35:08

but can I call a hostile witness to the stand?

35:11

Oh, shit. I will more

35:13

than allow that. I would love that. I would like

35:15

to call Arnie Neekam to the stand as a hostile

35:17

witness. Okay. Thank

35:20

you for getting so excited about this.

35:25

Mr. Neekam, if that is your name... It is.

35:28

It is. Okay.

35:30

Do we all believe that? I

35:32

think so. Yeah. I mean, I feel it all. Okay.

35:35

Big thumbs up from everyone. Big thumbs up. Do you believe that part of it? Okay.

35:37

Never mind. Okay. Okay.

35:40

Is that all you had? I

35:42

feel like it would be a weird reveal. How

35:45

exciting would it be eight and a half years

35:47

in if I'm like, actually, I've been lying about my name

35:49

this whole time. See, I told you he was

35:51

going to be hostile. Now is not the time to do funny

35:54

hypotheticals. You're under- Oh. Just

35:56

think about it. I think it

35:58

might go a little something.

35:59

Thanks. Oh no. Arnie, when

36:02

Arnor died here in this bar, Mm-hmm.

36:05

Were you holding the sword that he was

36:07

impaled on?

36:09

Not at that moment, no. Okay.

36:11

Who was holding that sword?

36:12

Does that shoot? Does that shoot? Does that shoot? It was

36:14

Arnor himself. Yes, sir.

36:18

I rest my case,

36:19

unless I think of something to say

36:22

later.

36:22

Oh, he tucked his

36:24

briefcase in. It's a little cover and a pillow.

36:27

Oh, he's reading a little bedtime story. Oh!

36:31

I can continue. Please. No, no, no.

36:33

I can continue. Do you need a moment? You seem

36:36

very emotional. No, I'm gonna be fine. Okay.

36:39

It may be true that Arnor was holding

36:42

the sword, but I ask you, sir.

36:45

What was Arnor wearing on the day

36:47

of his death?

36:48

That's a weird question. Oh,

36:51

boy. Um... Was

36:53

it not a heap

36:55

of shebled robes? It

36:57

was the robes. They were super-sheveled,

37:00

as I remember. And who so

37:02

took the responsibility to...

37:05

...unshevel the disheveled

37:07

robes? That's

37:10

a good question. I wish I could remember

37:12

exactly. I just mostly remember how fun

37:14

it was to say, Shevel and Unshevel. Yeah.

37:18

Well, is that you, Mr. Mikan, who

37:21

unsheveled the robes? Probably.

37:24

Sounds like something I would do. But left

37:26

the shevelin around his feet.

37:28

And there was a

37:30

message. I got it. I got it.

37:35

I'd like to call to the stand, Chunt

37:38

the Shapeshifter. Oh, okay.

37:40

Chunt the Shapeshifter. Is

37:43

there an echo in here? Okay.

37:46

Thank you, Your Honor. What questions

37:48

do you have for me? Chunt

37:50

the Shapeshifter. Is it true that

37:52

before the night of the murder... Well,

37:56

I shouldn't say murder. I'm so sorry.

38:00

Um, uh, before the night of the murder,

38:02

isn't it true that you, Chunt the Shapeshifter,

38:05

had a black and white smithery and

38:07

had made a bespoke

38:10

shield for Arnie that would protect him against

38:12

all Arneys? Uh,

38:14

yes, your honor, that is true. And

38:16

Chunt the Shapeshifter, actually let me ask

38:18

this question to Arnie. Arnie? Yeah? Is

38:21

the black and white smithery still around? Uh,

38:24

probably. I mean, all

38:26

of our horses are somewhere as well. Wow,

38:29

what a great- I love that. All of our

38:31

horses are somewhere. That's sort of a catch-all

38:33

for anything we create, right? All of our horses are somewhere.

38:36

Yeah. I'll allow

38:38

it. Um, would anybody like to

38:40

cross-examine Chunt the Shapeshifter? I'll

38:43

examine as a hostile witness. Okay.

38:46

Chunt, if that is your name. It

38:48

is. Are you even a Shapeshifter?

38:51

Yeah. You- you're okay. I'll open this now. I

38:53

rest my case. Oh, okay. Oh,

38:55

he's putting his case to bed. Oh, sleep.

39:00

Go to sleep. I would like

39:02

to call a witness to the stand. Okay. It

39:05

pleases the court. Yeah, I mean,

39:07

uh, I don't know if it pleases me. It bumps

39:09

me out when you- because you're so green. I

39:12

bet you'll cheer him up.

39:13

Yeah, um, yeah, go

39:15

ahead. Go ahead, buddy. Whatever you want. I would like to

39:17

call-

39:19

Barnard the Lawyer to the stand.

39:22

Barnard the Lawyer. Barnard

39:29

the Lawyer, is that your real name? Yes. Um,

39:33

ashamed to say that it is. And

39:36

Mr. Barnard the Lawyer, how

39:39

many cases have you won the court? Two

39:41

hundred and ninety-nine cases. In

39:45

every single one of those cases was

39:48

your- your opponent.

39:51

Murdered upon losing a court.

39:54

Yes, immediately.

39:58

Immediately and unequivocally.

39:59

murder.

40:00

And I'm asking you sir,

40:02

of those 299 cases,

40:05

how many, how many of those

40:07

defendants were innocent of the charges

40:10

that

40:10

were brought against them? At least 172.

40:12

At least the problems of

40:16

the 150. Fascinating. Well

40:18

sir, and I ask you, are

40:20

you not responsible? Directly,

40:24

indirectly and roundaboutly

40:26

for the murder of 172 people? Yes, I confess it. I confess

40:29

it. I

40:35

have been responsible

40:37

for the murder of at least 172

40:41

innocent, foolish souls

40:43

who I argued against to

40:46

save my own life.

40:49

Wow. You sir, would you like to double

40:52

cross examine?

40:53

Yes. Uh, Barno,

40:56

I have but one question

40:58

for you. Is

41:00

that indeed your real name? No. No,

41:04

it's not. My name is Chad.

41:17

You've partied yourself here in court today,

41:20

Chad. The lawyer. Everything

41:24

else is true, I swear. I'm the

41:26

son of Bruce the Sky God and

41:29

the legal encyclopedia. I'm

41:31

gonna be sick. I'm so sorry. I cannot,

41:37

I cannot take seriously anyone named Chad.

41:40

So any and all things that you said

41:42

or did is stricken from the record. No, don't confuse

41:45

me. We're kicking this

41:47

guy out of court, Chad. I'm not gonna,

41:51

I'm not gonna take seriously a scam. Your honor, your

41:53

honor, if I may. Yeah.

41:56

I ask you not to take this

41:58

drastic measure, even though any

41:59

Anything goes in your court and I respect that quite

42:02

a bit. We must account

42:04

for Chad slash Barnore's

42:06

testimony.

42:07

Because think about how pathetic

42:09

this is.

42:10

His brother got famous and

42:13

then he decided to coast off his name

42:15

by changing his name to Barnore.

42:18

Just like his shitty sister, Dianeor

42:22

the Sawyer. Even though she's a great interviewer,

42:24

she changed her name just a dre- The greatest

42:27

Sawyer. I'll allow it. Listen,

42:29

I- Eusodor. The blue. That's

42:32

me. As you know, I did say anything goes in this court. But

42:34

as we all know, or we should know, anything

42:37

goes is actually pretty problematic.

42:41

Anything goes doesn't hold up.

42:43

Okay? Okay. Well,

42:45

yeah, I'm just- It has a lot of bad parts

42:47

in it. So- It's catchy. Anything goes,

42:50

but I'm still the judge.

42:52

She got a little bit of a gamble. If I can

42:54

plead the court. If I can just-

42:57

If I can just ask. If I can

42:59

just ask a favor. Fine. Instead

43:02

of being murdered. Could I please-

43:04

Could I please spend out the rest

43:06

of my days in the minds of Maroon 5?

43:09

Ugh.

43:10

Look, Deccan Zeba is just tied to his foot.

43:12

It wasn't even floating. He was just hugging it behind him

43:14

with his foot. Yeah. Did he just

43:17

spend a Maroon 5 stand the whole time? Yeah, but that's

43:19

a problem. And there will be what? So her love

43:21

or whatever. We've been trying to lose

43:23

for years and we're the

43:25

only people- Please. Please, please, please,

43:28

please. Just please, please, please. Just please, please, please. Just

43:30

please send me the Maroon 5. Please.

43:33

Okay. Just please send me the Maroon 5.

43:37

Please. Okay, fine. You and

43:39

a friend

43:40

get two tickets. Front row. I

43:43

get a plus one. I get a plus one. Front

43:45

row to mining for eternity.

43:47

Good news, Danny. In the minds of- I'm going to prison.

43:52

I hear some points. Danny, don't do the voice of the chair. Don't

43:54

do the voice of the chair. Arty.

43:56

Come on. We have a game. I think

43:58

that about wraps up. court today. Arnie,

44:00

I do have one final question for you as judge

44:03

before I put down my gavel. Did

44:06

you order a

44:07

Code Red Potion? When

44:10

I said order in the court, I think I saw you write

44:12

down Code Red Potion. Did you order

44:14

that Code Red Potion? Did you order that

44:16

Code Red Potion? Did

44:18

you order that Code Red Potion? Yeah.

44:22

Okay, and that's like a new flavor? Yeah. Oh,

44:24

nice. I gotta try that. Okay, just making sure we'll get

44:26

you that. And I think that's about it. Any

44:30

final sort of grievances or

44:32

questions for the court? Yeah, of course. I'm not

44:34

as familiar with the legal system. So

44:36

if I have technically defeated the greatest

44:39

lawyer in all of Foon, am I now

44:41

the greatest lawyer in all of Foon? I

44:43

think so. Well, who has one more cases?

44:48

Whoever beats the greatest lawyer or is it who's

44:50

won the most cases? Well, as

44:53

the judge, I will say if you're

44:56

on trial and the prosecution

44:59

loses against you, you

45:01

gain all their victories. Oh, and

45:04

then you get that victory. So Arnie, you now, Arnie,

45:06

my buddy, you now have 300 victories in court

45:08

and you are by law, of

45:11

course, the greatest lawyer in all of Foon.

45:13

So by that logic, there

45:15

have only ever been 300 court

45:17

cases. Don't look at it too close. Don't

45:20

think about it too hard. Don't look at it too close. Have

45:22

they all been shit shows like this one? Oh,

45:25

yeah. All of our horses are still out there,

45:27

guys. Huh? Well,

45:29

Chad, why don't you tuck

45:31

your fucking little tail between your legs and

45:33

get get out of here and go to the front row

45:35

of the mines of maroon. Do any of you guys

45:38

would do any of you guys

45:40

want to be my plus one? No, couldn't buy

45:42

them. All right. My name

45:46

is Chad before you go. Yeah, I

45:49

am really sorry about your brother. You know,

45:51

we had a complicated relationship, but I

45:54

was sad to see him die as well.

45:57

And you know, if it makes you feel any better,

45:59

I know this can be be difficult but it

46:01

was his dying wish that

46:03

I take on the mantle of greatest warrior. In fact

46:06

he had this scroll that

46:08

his voice magically comes out of and

46:11

I'm sure it will work and it will say exactly

46:14

the same thing as it said last

46:16

time. Arnie you don't have to say magically comes out of it.

46:18

You just can just say scroll where his voice comes

46:20

out. Scroll where his voice comes out.

46:23

I don't know if you would want to listen to this chat

46:25

if it would give you any thoughts. Could

46:28

you explain again like what you're proposing? Can

46:32

you just explain it really specifically?

46:36

So after Arnie or Jai

46:38

he found this scroll which I believe is

46:40

his will and we had his last

46:42

wishes and we listened to it and it said a bunch of things

46:45

which if I'm being honest I don't remember

46:47

completely that's why I keep this scroll. And

46:51

I think you should listen to it now

46:53

and I'm sure it will say

46:55

exactly the same thing that

46:57

it said well over a year ago.

47:00

Oh sure yeah okay. Yeah

47:02

I'd like that. Alright well just go

47:04

ahead and open up the scroll Arnie. Arnie go ahead and

47:06

open up the scroll. Open open

47:09

open. Here now.

47:12

I'll have so much time

47:15

having been spent. Let

47:18

me now again reiterate

47:21

my last will and

47:22

testament.

47:24

Upon this mortal

47:27

coil my former

47:29

flesh thus was bleeding.

47:32

But

47:32

here you have a will that

47:34

was never met for rereading.

47:38

Arnie this kind of blew up in your face huh. Word

47:40

to word. I said

47:42

what I said before.

47:46

And now my body suffers its great

47:48

December. If you want

47:51

to know what I said you're

47:53

just gonna have to remember.

47:57

And now I leave.

47:59

having been vanquished by

48:02

a greater destroyer. I

48:05

wait for the afterlife

48:08

in Fauno, the foyer. Wow,

48:13

that was weird. That was so emotional.

48:17

Yeah, did that help? Um, I

48:19

don't, I mean, I'm more confused than

48:21

I was. I'm more confused,

48:23

but it, you know, it

48:25

at least gives me a distraction from my pain.

48:28

The confusion really like helps distract

48:29

me. And so in that, uh, that

48:32

I'm grateful. Oh, he's crying

48:34

so hard. It's getting harder and harder to breathe.

48:37

Oh buddy. Oh, okay.

48:40

Well,

48:41

it was really nice to meet you guys. It was just

48:43

really a pleasure. Yeah, nice to meet you Chad. Nice

48:45

to meet you. Thank you for almost telling us. Guys, we gotta get to

48:47

work trying to book Darnoor and Farnor

48:49

on the podcast. What about Earnoor, Arnie?

48:52

What about Earnoor? Chad,

48:55

what's Earnoor's deal? I don't know if we heard

48:57

about him. Earnoor, he's

48:59

an employer. He's

49:02

really, he's just like a great, he's the greatest

49:04

boss. I think he'd really like to work for him. I

49:06

should have chosen a different path. So he's like the

49:08

world's best boss. Yeah, he's like, he's a

49:10

great employer. Sounds

49:13

pretty good. And of course if his dad is Bruce the Sky

49:15

God, then of course he's gonna be a, you know, a boss,

49:17

so. Arnie, maybe that's our

49:19

chump for Red October guest? If

49:22

we can't book that for you. Sure. Perfect.

49:24

Well, what about a creature? Oh yeah,

49:27

creature. So, Euster, what are some

49:29

creatures? Like a eel? Or like the

49:31

creature? The creature. Yeah, the creature.

49:34

Oh, from a kind of aquatic creature. And

49:36

just to be sure, that's not Swamp Thing,

49:38

right? No, it's not a Swamp Thing.

49:41

Okay. It's the creature. Okay.

49:43

So there's only one of him. Yeah. Or her,

49:46

or they. Okay, okay. I don't know. I

49:48

always get creature and Swamp Thing mixed

49:50

up with Man Thing. Man Thing.

49:52

Well, Arnie, a Man Thing is a penis. Well, that's right.

49:54

I want to see either creature.

49:58

Arnie, you really do have a. Sorry,

50:00

you do have a real Clymstone

50:02

vibe going. You're just running in place. That's right, I

50:04

forgot to get my pants. I

50:06

did that whole case without pants. Yeah.

50:10

Also, at one point you picked up a

50:12

chair and tried to talk as

50:14

its voice and said it's a living. It was really embarrassing.

50:17

Yeah. Well, court

50:19

is, unless there's anything else, adjourned.

50:23

I have a quick email to read then. Yeah,

50:25

please. That's usually how court cases end,

50:27

right? Good email, quick email. He just

50:29

ended court, court's over. Now we're doing the podcast.

50:32

None of that shit could go to air, so we have to do the podcast

50:35

still. This is from our Patreon, which

50:37

you can join at patreon.com

50:39

slash magic tavern. From a patron

50:42

named Lily. Hi, this

50:44

is for Aaron and Momo related.

50:47

I don't really understand who Aaron is. Oh,

50:49

an errand is like a task you have to accomplish,

50:52

like you have to tell someone something or do something

50:54

as an errand. Or like when you inhale, you

50:56

just breathe air in. Chad,

50:58

hey Chad. Yeah. Shut the fuck

51:01

up, dude. I'm sorry, you guys. You're the

51:03

best. It's all right. It's so nice to meet you. No, Chad, maybe you can help

51:05

us with this. You have a lot of experience

51:07

in the courtroom, so that

51:11

experience won't be applicable

51:13

to this question, but who knows?

51:15

A recent scientific study found that

51:17

male mice are terrified of bananas.

51:20

The details of the study are wild. I

51:23

heard about it on the Popular Science Weirdest

51:25

Thing I Learned This Week podcast.

51:28

Thought Momo would find it amusing.

51:31

Thank you for being an amazing podcast and

51:34

helping all of us laugh through the pandemic

51:37

and beyond, colon, close

51:39

parentheses. Sorry, that's

51:42

gotta be terrifying for the guy mice, but that is

51:44

really fucking funny. Maybe for

51:46

September or October, we book male

51:48

mice in a banana? Chad, that's pretty

51:50

good. I think the reason

51:52

this person's pointing out is because for a long time, Momo

51:55

was dating Mayor Banana. Remember Mayor Banana?

51:57

He was so cute. Oh, yeah. So maybe

51:59

the male- are terrified of bananas and

52:02

the female mice are like Morning

52:04

for them. Maybe the male mice are intimidated

52:07

by the bananas They feel like a

52:09

little they feel like a little less

52:11

than they're really trying to like make up

52:13

for it Chad You slip me a note that says many

52:16

mumbling mice. What is this? You want to what is this

52:18

you want to say? I just say I just like

52:21

to say yeah, and but

52:23

when I feel like it may be

52:25

that maybe that's why they were just Taking a recess

52:27

from the bananas.

52:28

It's just a practice their music in

52:31

During midnight and the moonlight Yeah,

52:34

so maybe we don't have Scary creatures

52:37

on for chump for act over but we have scared individuals

52:39

like a man I

52:46

so what you're suggesting Chant is instead

52:48

of bringing on a terrifying creature. We

52:50

bring regular people on Dwarves

52:55

mice brownies Pixies

52:58

what have you and then we put

53:00

things in front of them that they

53:03

may be afraid of Exactly

53:06

it so you're factoring

53:08

in the fear.

53:09

Yeah Exactly when I was

53:11

a kid there was a show on Nickelodeon that I think was

53:14

British or Canadian or something called the Grindy Guys

53:16

scared the shit out of me. Yeah,

53:19

it's a real monsters. I don't know what it was

53:21

I think it was just like felt like it wasn't

53:23

an American TV show and just something about

53:25

the vibe of it Just really creeped me out

53:28

xenophobic much That too

53:31

um Chad can I ask what it's like you know

53:33

for the rest of eternity What is like the one thing you're like most

53:35

excited to mind at the? Mind

53:38

of Maroon oh gosh. That's

53:40

a really I mean. That's a really good question Chad

53:47

we like you now. I've never had time with it with

53:49

my work. You know and so it's maybe maybe

53:52

if I'm Stuck in prison. I'm just mining

53:54

for the rest of my life maybe girl

54:01

and she will she will be loved

54:04

you know okay

54:07

Chad's on all that I thought I was lumping him in

54:09

with like Quinn's and Dylan's but Chad

54:11

you're honestly you're the coolest

54:13

shit I've ever known and that's you know

54:15

it's not saying a lot but it's saying something

54:18

thank you so much John thank you so much don't

54:20

press don't press your love and

54:22

Chad I'm sorry that when you said you would be loved that

54:24

I've laughed slightly under my breath I was

54:26

not met I think that's possible for you

54:29

I think so I think we I

54:31

think we could have been good friends I just wanted to say that

54:34

I think we all could have been really good friends and you

54:36

know I'm a really good hang I think we come up they

54:38

call me hanging Chad and I think

54:44

we couldn't have been friends sorry so sorry

54:47

all right and now it's in with a joke from

54:49

a chaise lounge

55:09

I'm just glad that chaise lounge

55:11

kept it short normally all they're good for

55:14

is long rambling upholstories

55:17

anyway use it or the wizard was played

55:19

by Matt young shunt the talking

55:21

badger was played by Adil Rafai bar

55:23

nor the lawyer was played by special guest

55:26

Blaine Swin Blaine is the

55:28

creator and performer in the improvised

55:30

Shakespeare company oh they're letting

55:32

him perform now that's generous

55:35

look at that persistence can take the place

55:37

of talent check out improvised

55:39

Shakespeare comm to see if they're coming

55:42

to a town near you where you can cheer

55:44

Blaine on as he gives this performance

55:46

thing ago hello from the magic tavern

55:49

is an independent production made possible

55:51

by supporters of the magic tavern patreon

55:53

supporters like Joel Strobeak

55:56

Noah Solomon Ian Sanwald

55:59

Sam Sam, Jovan

56:01

Madsovsky, Stephanie Acosta,

56:04

Jonathan Nagayan, Eliza,

56:06

Gary Heather, Lena Hillman,

56:09

Hem the Goblin, Sarah Lynn,

56:11

Rob, and Marty Mettloff.

56:14

Patrons get ad-free episodes, the

56:16

entire back catalogue including all the previous

56:19

spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes

56:21

each month. Here's a clip of the most recent

56:23

bonus, episode three of season

56:26

two of Shadow City, DMed

56:28

by Anthony Birch.

56:29

Wait a second, this is the opposite

56:32

of what I usually do. I've got

56:34

a good idea for once. I'm

56:37

gonna audition as the matchmaker.

56:42

All the power to find people, romantic

56:45

matches. Okay, perfect.

56:48

That's pretty good, it's hard to prove and

56:50

it'll take a long time so maybe it buys us some time

56:52

to get in there. That's a good idea. Yeah, and Ma, I think

56:54

what we do is we try and glom on as

56:57

sidekicks so the three of us can get in

56:59

the door. So if Crusher's

57:01

the matchmaker, then maybe we are,

57:04

you know, what does a match need? I

57:06

box, I can be matchbox. I'll

57:09

fight off anybody who's not a match. That's

57:11

a pretty good matchbox. Okay, I've been

57:13

around, I've been in this biz

57:16

for the last, I don't know, couple decades. I

57:18

could be 20, you could just call me 20. So matchbox

57:20

is 20 and it just feels, ooh,

57:22

that feels good. Does it?

57:25

Yeah, and we

57:27

punch in the door and we say, give us a job,

57:30

make it good, or we'll forget about

57:32

it. To hear the rest, yes,

57:35

you might want to, someone might want

57:37

to, and learn more about supporting the show. Visit

57:40

patreon.com slash magic tavern.

57:42

Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neekat,

57:45

Matt Young, and Adil Rify. Post production

57:47

coordination such as it is by

57:50

Garrett Schultz. Associate producer

57:52

Anna Haberman. This episode edited

57:54

by Anna Haberman. She's got the skills,

57:57

folks. Hello from the magic tavern logo

57:59

by Allard Lebak. The seaside town

58:01

of Amble is cold grey and

58:02

run

58:13

down, so when a wild dolphin

58:15

appears, it's the miracle

58:17

everyone's been waiting for. It

58:19

was like a magical draw. I'm

58:21

going and nothing can stop

58:23

me. I must meet the species.