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Now sit back and enjoy. the

2:00

show. Hello

2:22

from the Magic Tavern. A

2:24

weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

2:27

I'm your host Ernie Neeky. Knock

2:29

knock knock. Knock knock knock.

2:32

Hey buddy, um, you should order

2:34

waiting at the table. Did you want to come out and record

2:36

out there? You

2:40

know, I was just thinking I would maybe stay in

2:42

bed and record. Let

2:45

me, I went to bed with my microphone

2:47

so... Oh, never do that.

2:49

Don't ever, Ernie, don't ever go to bed with

2:52

your microphone. Who

2:54

knows what could happen? You're coming

2:56

out of my room. Yeah, I

2:58

think so. I'm ready to order food.

3:01

Here, let me, I'm gonna touch your forehead with the back of my hand. Oh

3:04

sweetie, you are burning up. What's going

3:06

on? Well, I mean, I

3:08

have about seven blankets on top of me. I'm just

3:10

trying to get comfy. Oh, yeah, that would do it.

3:14

Let me, here. Sean, can I

3:16

ask you before we talk to you, Sidor? Yeah,

3:18

what's up? Have I fucked everything

3:20

up? No, no, no, no, Ernie, you keep... I

3:23

was the whole way back from Northeast, you kept

3:26

asking that. You have fucked nothing up, okay? You

3:29

know, here's the thing... If he fucks

3:31

up this food order the way he's fucked everything else

3:33

up, I'm gonna be furious. Okay, you might have fucked

3:35

up our dinner time. Look, I appreciate the honesty, because

3:37

here's the thing. I know that we're all good buddies,

3:39

and so whenever we ask each other if we fucked

3:42

up, we instinctively say, No, no, no,

3:44

you didn't fuck everything up, but I

3:46

know that sometimes one of us

3:48

has fucked things up. Okay, Ernie, listen. I

3:51

guess the higher that we say, No, the more likely

3:53

it is that, yes, maybe you did fuck something up,

3:55

but it's fine. Sean, can I just fuck something up?

3:58

No! I

4:02

already is gonna be fine. Okay, Tomboy

4:04

was seemingly going to stab you anyway.

4:06

I mean, that's like is saying, you

4:09

know? So. I mean,

4:11

were no worse off than we were

4:13

before. For the most part, the Chancellor

4:15

and swore use it or isn't a

4:17

mortal anymore. He's immortal. he can died.

4:20

So both of us were like we're

4:22

going to step it up and we're

4:24

going to take charge and we're going

4:26

to be be adults in his podcast.

4:28

That's right Now It's six. Here comes

4:30

the dragon into the cave, zoom, zoom,

4:33

a mutable into the arms, and now

4:35

they're filling up around. But I appreciate.

4:37

I appreciate the sentiment. Okay, I'll take

4:39

my microphones and record. With a blanket

4:41

around me you can bring three Arnie

4:43

which ones, which ones you want author

4:45

to of on of seven Aziz blankets

4:48

is so good in different ways. huddling

4:50

bring it down to three. her with

4:52

see here would have the one with

4:54

all the worms on it's those are

4:56

real worms so they can surprise that.

4:58

I'm surprised anyone. That's one of my

5:00

favorite. K this one is

5:02

since he an incentive joint hold on

5:05

bill blanket is made of human skin

5:07

yeah aren't you can't tell feel it.

5:11

Have enough, would use yourself right now

5:13

and then. Explains why I've been trying

5:15

to masturbate, but nothing's been happening. for

5:20

like i said i'm doing something

5:22

oh this blanket is rock hard

5:24

rd ah oh ah but these

5:26

are ignored or we're we're here

5:28

when i was referred with her

5:30

diary i order food i couldn't

5:33

wait any longer would you get

5:35

us i gotta when i got

5:37

myself off three roasted chicken with

5:39

sides of mashed potatoes and vegetables

5:41

enough for an entire table oh

5:43

sounds like normal food i suppose

5:46

i could share you know use

5:48

it or i'm surprised you eat

5:50

chicken well as i've established many

5:52

times over many years on his

5:54

podcast i love i know for

5:57

that's what i'm saying is if

5:59

you have birds, you shouldn't eat them,

6:01

right? Or you love them both ways? That's

6:03

right. I've also established that I love

6:05

the flavor of birds. I

6:08

famously love rooster's feet. Yes. Oh, that's right.

6:10

That's right. So they're all man

6:12

of a bird. You know, I

6:15

love the flavor. I love having long

6:17

conversations with them. I love the secrets

6:19

that they tell as they fly through

6:21

the sky, only hearing what

6:23

is upon the wind. And I love

6:25

it when a coalition of birds comes

6:27

together and says, I must be a

6:29

champion and I shall insist along with

6:31

my other fellow woodland creatures that are

6:33

wizard come fully formed and completely naked

6:35

into this world. Well, I'm going

6:38

back to bed. I'm going back to bed. No,

6:41

no, no. Stay in here. I know, buddy, I know you're not

6:43

feeling well. So welcome

6:45

to the Hello to Magic Tavern podcast

6:48

from magical in a phone about nine minutes ago. So

6:50

until Pearl behind Bird King. But now you're not getting

6:52

a sick video. I get a signal from the Crafty

6:54

Beaver or something, and you're joined as always by me

6:57

and him. And we're all set. There

6:59

you go. Oh, John, you're all grown

7:01

up. You're just doing it. You're in charge of the house.

7:04

Thank you. Do you find that new part of the

7:06

introduction offensive to you? A

7:09

crafty beaver? Yes. No more

7:11

than saying fly fox. Okay.

7:14

Or stupid fucking badger. Come

7:16

on. Hey, it's

7:18

the sickness talking. He's he's not. I'm

7:20

not sick. I'm not sick. I mean,

7:22

I guess depression is its own. Kind

7:25

of sickness. Are you depressed? You

7:27

said we needed to build political alliances with

7:30

the other kingdoms to fight the Wizards and

7:33

already have fucked it up with Tom Blaine

7:35

Belleroth and all the vistia. No, no, no,

7:37

no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

7:39

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

7:42

no, no, no. Now, perhaps it's

7:45

that particular relationship can't be salvaged.

7:47

But I am certain that

7:49

the forces of good and all

7:51

their righteousness shall prevail. For I'm

7:54

beginning to feel though

7:56

I've always taken me and paid

7:58

fealty to any I

8:00

don't like the monarchy anymore. I

8:05

don't think I mean to it

8:08

anymore. I

8:10

think this might be. I'm going out of limb

8:13

here. This might be an outdated form

8:15

of government. Huh. Okay.

8:18

Who would we put on different money? Well,

8:21

I was thinking me. Oh.

8:25

I'd be good on money, right? Okay. I'm

8:28

posing like this. You were almost onto

8:30

something. Lightning coming out of my fingers.

8:33

Maybe a wolf behind me in a moon or

8:35

something like that. Huh? This is

8:37

always the art. Someone is like, you know what? I don't

8:39

like the current method of government. Oh, wait a second. What

8:42

if I were in charge of everything? Let's put my face

8:44

on the money. I should do it. I just want to

8:46

be a figurehead. Sure. Arnie, is that

8:48

blanket moving or are you doing that? Oh,

8:50

there it is. Or are you doing that?

8:52

Why is that blanket moving? There's

8:54

some small thing underneath this one part

8:57

of the blanket. Arnie, don't do this

8:59

again. Come on. This is not one

9:01

of my blanketing conditions. Let

9:04

me move this blanket. Oh,

9:06

that's a tiny, tiny, ah!

9:09

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

9:11

oh, oh, oh, mutual scare. There's

9:13

a tiny adorable magical creature under

9:16

my blanket. Oh, hello.

9:19

How do you do? Me.

9:22

I even the inventory imp. And I'm just

9:24

here to clean up any messes that you

9:27

might have. And I

9:29

thought this conglomeration of blankets

9:31

was so filthy and dirty.

9:34

Oh, the stench emanating from these

9:36

blankets. I thought I should clean

9:38

them. But I'm sorry.

9:41

You are a person as a matter of fact. Yeah,

9:44

I'm a person. I'm from another world. My name

9:47

is Arnie Neekamp. I'm the greatest warrior on all

9:49

of phone. You sir, look at that. Arnie's back

9:51

at it. He's right back in it. You can't

9:53

keep a good man down. As soon as a

9:55

guest appears, oh boy, he's back in good form.

9:58

Come on, I wonder what question he's going to ask. Yeah

10:01

yeah so are

10:03

you answer whole.

10:06

Sort. Of the. Fence

10:08

about, don't care. For

10:11

already, pretty good. Side. Would

10:13

say season It's like units were

10:16

what's the know doing. I think

10:18

what on he meant to say

10:20

was i welcome, I've been and

10:22

or what. Other

10:25

other than know cleaning up his

10:27

blankets. What brings you to our

10:29

our humble establishment Allah am I

10:31

must say say thank you and

10:34

and made such around lake on

10:36

around you have a pipeline thing

10:38

as a matter of fact ah

10:40

look at me up I bow

10:43

to. I bow

10:45

to you and your but

10:47

grace means a cast. Of

10:52

my. Own

10:55

internal know hide a thirty. Second,

11:00

scared her. No bills know I

11:02

just I'm just here to to

11:04

be of assistance a courtesy of

11:06

the tavern of course to clean

11:08

up any of your inventory and

11:10

organize anything that you might not

11:12

need. You know an adventure must

11:14

always have an empty Sat for

11:16

every quest. To

11:19

I'm sorry far as a of something from

11:22

yesterday. Saying

11:24

on adventures the to empty their

11:26

sex. For every

11:29

blessed because what I'm saying you've gotta

11:31

him fiercer before your quest for the

11:33

you're not through the nose or let

11:35

him finish and so fixer I don't

11:37

see what he's let him finish. I'm

11:39

guessing you're going to the whole new

11:41

to go into the whole class have

11:43

park. Exactly as exhibit. A

11:45

great choice of words Costs: You don't

11:47

want to go with their have you

11:49

have to be fully cox and ready

11:51

to go see. Can grab as many

11:53

items as he can from it's quest

11:56

though it seems like your sex. Or

11:59

it was. Quite fortuitous that you've come at this time.

12:01

You see, this new tavern

12:03

that we're in, the Wanderlust. Arnie

12:07

acquired it some time

12:09

ago, but it's cursed. So we don't know

12:11

what all is here. We could use your

12:13

help with the inventory and cleaning things out.

12:16

Oh, well, what's cursed but a

12:18

blessing from a different perspective, huh?

12:20

Wow. That really makes you think, doesn't

12:23

it? Seems like a tapestry should be

12:25

above a fireplace. Oh, so it shall

12:27

be. Aeroth, turtle, cut off! Oh,

12:32

oh, wow.

12:34

That's adding more clutter to the space, though.

12:36

I am going to take it down. It's

12:38

alright. I'm just going to take it down

12:41

a height. I nearly went into a pile.

12:43

I'll also say personally, and my name is

12:45

Chant. I'm a shapeshifter, Ashante. Very

12:47

nice to meet you. I do well. Oh,

12:51

thank you. Oh, no, please, thank

12:53

you. Quite brave if I

12:55

do say so myself. Thank you.

12:58

Well, I'll say personally, I know myself. I carry,

13:00

you know, I have a war hammer, I have

13:02

this and that, I have some starmar. And

13:05

I will say, recently, when I've been trying

13:07

to run, it's more like a slow walk.

13:10

And I don't know what it is. Like, no matter

13:12

what I do, I just can't run. Let

13:15

me ask you a question. The

13:17

more things you pick up, the heavier you

13:19

feel and the slower you run, yes? Yeah,

13:23

that about sums it up. Ah,

13:25

okay. Well, I don't want to assume anything

13:27

of anyone because, you know, everyone's got different

13:29

stories and backgrounds. But it feels

13:31

like, Mr. Chant, a lot of your

13:33

things that you're getting are weighing you down. I'd

13:36

like to ask you a question, if I may. Okay.

13:39

Oh, he's saying it down. Oh, this is serious, okay?

13:42

Who is Chant? Without the

13:44

armor. I'm

13:46

a shapeshifter, usually in the form of a banger. But

13:51

without the shapeshifting, without the things.

13:54

Without the things, I guess, bones and viscera

13:56

and blood and guts. Mm-hmm.

13:59

It is. Is there need for armor for you?

14:02

Sorry, let me just, if I may,

14:04

just like unstrap that huge shoulder piece you have

14:07

on. It's quite cumbersome. Houston, I'm gonna write all

14:09

this stuff down just in case we ever make

14:11

a TV show. Just

14:13

understand who each of our characters are.

14:15

Josh. Yes, please describe to us what

14:18

you're wearing exactly. Just so I can have a

14:21

visual inventory of who you

14:23

are. Yeah. So,

14:25

I am wearing Starmer,

14:29

which is armor made of dead stars. It's

14:32

sort of underneath my skin, but peeking

14:34

through certain tufts of fur. I'm

14:37

also wearing a big smile. And

14:40

I'm wearing half of a burlap

14:43

sack over the top of my

14:45

head. And

14:47

this mighty weapon you yield as well.

14:50

Tell me the story of this weapon. Oh, so

14:53

this is Star Smasher. So

14:55

I got this puppy in

14:58

the, I want to say,

15:00

ooh, what was that? Something fields. Oh,

15:03

celestial fields. Yes, I

15:05

was training, sorry, so long ago, I was training to

15:09

help protect my friends because my friend here is,

15:11

well, I won't go into it. I won't bore

15:14

you with the details, but I need to be

15:16

able to protect my friends. That's who I am

15:18

at my course. I'm someone, I'm protective. You're a

15:20

protector, yes, yes, of course. I need to be

15:23

in service to my friend. I'm

15:25

just dragging your sledgehammer over to this

15:27

fireplace. So

15:30

cute to see you. Do

15:34

you mind if I hand? No, no, I'll take

15:36

my, not what I do. You

15:39

know, I've been without the inventory, I'm just

15:41

no one. It's

15:43

funny, I'm used to seeing Momo carry this

15:45

with no aim, you know, and she has

15:48

such strength, but it's weird to see something

15:50

so small. Okay,

15:53

I moved it an inch away from you. Now

15:55

tell me, how do you feel without these things

15:57

weighing you down? I feel

15:59

a little. vulnerable but is

16:02

that a bad thing oh

16:05

yes yes and you use

16:08

a door if I make mr. use

16:10

use a door if I may refer to you

16:13

as that I don't have to

16:15

know I have many names I fry am

16:17

use a door with another twelfth real mother

16:19

pcs master of light and shadow many later

16:21

have magical lights devour of chaos champion of

16:23

the great halls of Trockis the elves know

16:25

me as being out the dwarves know me

16:28

as so he's putting his finger over use

16:30

it or his lips and I've known through

16:32

the northeast as cosmonious may stop but there

16:34

may be other secret names that I shunt

16:36

ass such a loud finger doesn't matter Wow so

16:38

many names so many names

16:43

so happy all

16:46

the responsibility oh

16:49

do they weigh you down oh

16:51

it is true heavy is

16:54

the burden that I bear for

16:56

low he's been my duty evil

16:59

and all its forms and in

17:01

that time my 350 plus years

17:03

upon this food I

17:06

have gathered title and a

17:08

kutriman and mystical artifacts and to

17:10

me it weighs a little doesn't

17:13

it physically but also

17:15

emotionally doesn't it yes it's all added up

17:17

and I don't know how much longer I

17:19

can take it and the worst burden I

17:21

bear may I tell you Ivan the

17:24

worst burden I bear of course unload

17:26

onto me of course church are we

17:28

paying attention to us or should we

17:30

be your turn to listen right it

17:32

is the guilt I feel causing

17:37

all of the wizards to become

17:39

mortal you

17:41

know I myself suffer the same fate and

17:43

could die at any second which is terrifying

17:46

I'm used to be able to stab myself

17:48

set myself on fire whatever fuck doesn't matter

17:50

it used to be fun yes yes but

17:52

now watch this I'm on fire hi idiot

17:55

and now you whoa use it or

17:57

you didn't have to call him an idiot he's helping us

17:59

up Oh no, I don't think

18:01

yes, he was I've been fed a poll of

18:07

Yeah, I understood that no like we remember when awnie

18:10

first came to earth and he kept to ask me

18:12

to do things I'd be like no idiot. I can

18:14

do that. So it's sort of like this sort of

18:16

an imaginary on it was being fired on me Yeah,

18:18

yes. I may I may I perch on your shoulder?

18:22

Absolutely Now

18:26

This this responsibility that you have to take

18:29

care of not just you a wizard

18:31

a mortal wizard might I add that's

18:33

very tough I might okay Let's

18:36

all the wizards entire with entire generations

18:38

of wizards. That's a lot for you.

18:40

Yes, it is I

18:42

want I want to ask you please Step

18:45

aside from this hero title and

18:48

the champion of whatever and whos ever

18:50

what the heck? Right,

18:53

what do you as a person? Well,

19:03

you are now you're more you're a mortal you're

19:05

a mortal person now, right you're

19:07

right what I want What

19:11

I want is to create peace

19:15

peace in this land Do

19:18

whatever I can whatever small thing I am

19:20

still able to do to ensure

19:22

that That

19:25

what I have wrought upon this world does not

19:27

destroy it from the inside out I thought you're

19:30

gonna like count napkins One

19:34

two three four we have so many napkins

19:36

Yeah, there's so many napkins I thought you're

19:38

gonna be like I want peace a piece

19:40

of this chicken because it's sorry the food's

19:42

here. We should oh We eat a little

19:44

bit of chicken. Take a break. Yeah, we'll

19:46

be right right back. Do you sorry? Do

19:49

you eat? I just ate.

19:51

Oh What did you

19:53

what is the guy your size II oh

19:56

I eat well I close I

19:58

garbage I think that people will, you

20:00

know, consider garbage. So as soon as you

20:02

say, Oh, this is garbage, I will consume

20:05

it. Oh, this is

20:07

my sustenance. We'll be right back. If

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21:50

So Ivan, thanks for

21:52

watching the seat. I know that can't be easy.

21:54

No, you look so happy eating

21:57

all of you. Even this

21:59

little That man over here. Oh,

22:01

ah, yeah, his name is Arnie. He's

22:04

not sad, he's sick. He's very, very

22:06

sick. Oh, you're unwell. Oh,

22:08

what ails you so, Arnie? Well,

22:10

you know, look, I'm sure I have

22:12

any number of mental health things that

22:14

I need to parcel through, but mostly

22:16

just recently I'm a little bummed out

22:18

that I feel like I'm failing in

22:20

my quest to help save all of

22:22

food, you know? Oh, oh,

22:24

yes. Look, are

22:27

you dead? It's a little bit like New Year, New

22:29

Me, you know,

22:31

where you're like, it's a new year, I'm gonna go to

22:33

the gym. And then two days later you're like, I fucked

22:35

it up, I'm never going to the gym again. Arnie, hold

22:37

on, I mean, do you just ask if he was dead?

22:40

Yes, are you dead? Am I dead?

22:43

Are you dead? Arnie, are you dead? I

22:45

don't think so. I mean, some fan theories,

22:48

but no, I don't think so. You're

22:50

not dead, you're still alive. As

22:53

long as you're alive, you can create change. Just

22:55

start small. All the

22:58

world is so massive. That's

23:00

too much for you to think about, huh? That

23:03

should be a tapestry. Well,

23:05

if it is a tapestry and if it's garbage,

23:07

I'll eat it. Okay, so it's gotta serve someone

23:10

some purpose. So Arnie, hold

23:12

all those layers of blankets

23:14

and that very solid piece

23:17

of fabric as well. It's very tough too. What

23:19

is this? What is it made out of? Come

23:21

on, come on, come on. Ivan, I have a piece

23:23

of lint here that's trash to me. Can

23:26

you go eat that in the corner for one second? Of

23:28

course. Arnie,

23:30

chunt. Very careful

23:32

in this episode that we don't insult each

23:34

other. In this episode? Shut up and listen

23:37

to me. Shut up.

23:39

You just insulted Arnie. He said don't insult each

23:41

other, then he said shut up. You

23:43

shut up too. Both of you shut up. Huh?

23:45

We can insult each other, but we cannot call each

23:47

other trash or garbage. Don't say you're a garbage idiot

23:49

because we say something like that he'll

23:52

devour us. Oh, his ears, he looked

23:54

over here. His ears perked up. He did perk up. That

23:56

was just an example. That was just an example. Just

24:00

be careful about what you say. Okay, just to be clear.

24:02

Can I call you guys a piece of shit? Does that?

24:04

Oh absolutely That's that's right

24:06

on the edge, but okay. Okay.

24:09

Oh, that was so satisfying. Thank you so much

24:11

for feeding me today No, it is

24:13

my pleasure to do so. I

24:15

hope that was enough to say feed you No

24:19

Nothing ever is Aren't

24:23

you warm underneath all those layers of blankets?

24:26

Yeah, don't you just want to take one off? Oh,

24:29

okay. Just one layer off.

24:31

Well, yeah, I guess I could get

24:33

rid of this one that has made a human skin But

24:35

the problem is that you don't have to twirl it around

24:37

your head It's not as

24:39

trippy Oh a performance.

24:42

Yeah, I'm just a natural born performer. What

24:44

can I say? Wow, those

24:47

moves. Thank you Wow,

24:50

you have natural rhythm I must say. Thank

24:52

you Ivan Ivan

24:54

do you mind telling us a little about

24:56

you? I feel like you've Who's

25:03

Ivan how did you get into inventory?

25:06

well, you know, I was

25:08

born an orphan and lost as

25:12

most mythical creatures of my size

25:14

and demeanor are off to do

25:16

and Well, I

25:18

realized that the only thing that

25:20

was keeping me alive was people's

25:23

discarded stuff, you know And

25:26

because you know people have called me

25:28

a people pleaser Most of

25:30

my life and well, you know, I've noticed

25:32

that this whole world is just

25:34

full of garbage It

25:36

brought me so much joy to sort

25:38

of organize and and digest and consume

25:40

other people's garbage whether that's Metaphorically

25:43

speaking or quite literally and and

25:45

and my job is just to

25:48

bring happiness to everyone one person

25:50

at a time By eating away

25:52

everyone's, you know refuse We

25:58

whispering What? You talking

26:01

to who? Sorry, talk to me. Can

26:03

you talk to me? Oh, me? Oh yes, yes, of course.

26:06

Let me perch on your shoulder. Oh, soft. Oh,

26:10

thank you so much. Oh no, no, don't crow up. Wake up, wake

26:13

up, wake up. It's just what

26:15

you use for this fur. Oh,

26:19

thank you. It is flaxseed oil.

26:23

I also try to eat 5 pounds of

26:25

blackberries a day just to kind of keep the

26:27

sheen, the oils in place. Yes,

26:29

yes, not a dead piece of

26:32

a patch at all here, you know? If you have

26:34

dead fur, I definitely consume it, for sure. Oh,

26:37

thank you. Thank you. I

26:39

was going to ask, speaking of sort of

26:41

unburdening ourselves and kind of discarding inventory, my

26:45

buddy, my buddy Usidor, he's got

26:47

so many flippin' names. Could

26:49

you maybe help him pick out just a couple,

26:51

just like a few that sparked joy or something?

26:55

Of course, yes, but he has

26:57

to willfully throw those names away

26:59

if I'm to consume them. I

27:01

see, I see. What's worth a shot? Do you want to bring

27:03

it up? Because he'll get mad at me if I... Oh, okay,

27:06

of course, yes. A wink, kiss.

27:09

Oh! Okay,

27:12

so, Mr. Usidor... Sorry,

27:15

I was just finishing this chicken. I

27:17

don't need this carcass anymore. Oh

27:19

no! He

27:22

ate that so fast! Oh yes,

27:25

it's... Now,

27:28

if I may, your presence is so

27:30

strong, one would say overpowering

27:32

in a lot of circles,

27:34

absolutely, for me. Sure. I'm only two

27:36

inches tall, so, you know, it's very powerful

27:38

for me. What

27:40

is the history of your name collecting? Oh,

27:43

the history? Well, as

27:46

I've traveled through Foon on my many

27:48

great adventures... Walk away, guys. As

27:51

I've traveled through Foon on my many great adventures, I

27:55

just happened to come across a

27:57

number of different species and enclaves.

28:00

tribes and civilizations

28:03

that all have come to know

28:05

me by their own language or

28:08

name. What species, cultures,

28:10

tribes have you not spoken to

28:12

in a while? Oh, let's

28:14

see. I guess I don't speak

28:16

to the bakers of food much more and they

28:18

all call me Biscuit Meniscus. Okay.

28:21

Well, do we really need to call you

28:23

that if you haven't spoken to those people

28:25

in a while? I almost never used that

28:27

one, no. So would you

28:29

consider that kind of... Yeah, I

28:31

could probably get rid of that one. Yeah,

28:34

mack. Chunt,

28:36

Chunt. Yeah? I

28:39

know this is crazy. I'm tired of hearing all

28:41

of Usodors names, but I'm going to really miss

28:44

the Baker one. Yeah, that was one of my favorites

28:46

and I can't even think of it, but I feel

28:48

like it was one of my favorites. Don't

28:50

you feel a lot lighter? Yes,

28:52

I did help. Let's see. One time I

28:55

did write a play that

28:57

was never produced under the pen name

28:59

of Braxaf. That'd be okay to

29:01

lose that one. And when was

29:03

the last time anyone called you Braxaf?

29:06

Well, I got approached about doing some

29:09

commercials, but I decided that maybe that

29:11

was beneath me. And

29:13

if I do say so myself, it

29:16

is a little bit... you know?

29:18

You're a world leader. You're not a

29:21

little too bit actor. That's right. That's

29:23

right. I don't need to be Braxaf.

29:26

No, no. So would you say it's sort

29:28

of a garbage name? Yeah,

29:31

it's a garbage name. Arnie,

29:35

look, he's like 2.1 inches now. Thank

29:39

you. You have fed me and for that

29:41

I grow. Now,

29:44

what else? What's one that

29:48

you got that you don't like at all? You're like, I

29:50

don't want people to call me this name anymore. Well,

29:54

you know, many

29:56

of the brick layers of food Would

29:58

call me... I

30:00

dump your daddy boy and I

30:02

didn't really Immingham and as know

30:05

I'm so sorry. Desert desert know

30:07

what? Sets the one name

30:09

that ties you, tethers you even to

30:11

the blue collar community around that one.

30:13

But dump your daddy boys insult is

30:16

clearly an insult. So good already. and

30:18

I call you that behind your back

30:20

on saline. See, that's why don't like

30:22

Law com I'm. Connected

30:25

to blue collar workers, but you

30:27

really want to be associated with

30:29

commoners in that sort of way.

30:31

I know that you want to

30:33

seem approachable and nice, but give

30:35

you the name, use the door.

30:37

The approachable. Rather than regular daddy or

30:40

whenever the names said i forgot next

30:42

as I was so bored. Markets dump

30:44

your daddy bore. I'm I'm not saying

30:46

that because I wrote it down and

30:48

I'll be able to read it and

30:50

and over and over again. Way to

30:52

me, he just disappears collar. working class

30:55

heroes of food is discussed openly, moisture

30:57

visa versa. His head, hey, come on

30:59

are you wish one? To be honest,

31:01

let are you a wish one kid

31:03

is that often. Story all bullshit. With

31:06

what he means. No. I'm helping you

31:09

out. Know was born in orphan. They're

31:11

born and then they're made into an

31:13

orphan I didn't clock. I would insert

31:15

a little zone I emancipated from my

31:18

parents to such a few months now.

31:21

Okay I emancipated for my parents

31:23

and supposed to be com and

31:25

or sense is. That a crime

31:27

states that so bad. And guess.

31:29

My parents were one of the

31:32

most influential inventory and some all

31:34

time. I don't want to be

31:36

associated with that anymore in a

31:38

than I have given up completely

31:40

and completely consumed as the door.

31:42

What are some other names? See

31:44

me Daddy. Book

31:47

As much as I would love to get

31:49

rid of more of the names, the show

31:51

is a little too name rich in general

31:53

is there is a powerful you can help

31:56

as dig through some other shit we have

31:58

here for this tavern. We're. Done. through

32:00

all the weird things that came with

32:02

this car stab. Oh absolutely I can

32:04

eat physical things as well so tell

32:06

me what's one thing that's a complete

32:08

eyesore here? Hold on we

32:10

saw you house a whole chicken carcass

32:12

you don't have to tell us dude

32:15

your neck is there's like a bone

32:17

kind of sticking out of there yeah the legs that

32:20

the wings are sticking out of the sides of your

32:22

neck you got a small that's true come on true

32:24

but it's taking a shape of it yeah yes it's

32:26

like like a some

32:28

sort of serpent eating yes I know exactly

32:30

what I look like I have a mirror you

32:33

got to finish swallowing is part of the

32:36

problem you just got like halfway through a

32:38

swallow all right fine well okay will you

32:40

feed me more things if I swallow yes

32:42

we will. Now

32:45

for me personally I don't know how Chunt and Arnie feel

32:47

about this but uh

32:50

there are two suits of armor right next to each

32:52

other a decorative suit of armor

32:55

is kind of like a fun kitschy tavern

32:57

thing I get it but but

32:59

two right next to each other like why are

33:01

the two? You're garish doesn't it? It

33:03

feels a little garish. Exactly. No I'm with

33:05

you there yes you know all

33:07

you have to say is you point to one and

33:09

you say this one's garbage or you point to both

33:12

and say these are garbage and I'll consume them both

33:14

for you. Arnie I love both those

33:16

suits of armor and yeah the one is garish but I

33:18

named it I gave it a name I don't want to

33:20

go the way of the dodo I'm just

33:22

lifting up the legs and looking inside the

33:25

suit of armor there are skeletons in here

33:27

there's a skeleton in each of

33:29

these suits of armor was there a person

33:31

were these guards? Hey good as hell. Hello.

33:36

Hey how's it going Arnie? Hey. We

33:40

haven't met but you know my name what

33:43

should I call you? Shultz. Shultz?

33:46

Yep. And the other one named Garish?

33:49

No I'm garish. Oh.

33:55

Garish? Yeah. Yeah.

33:58

Yeah we told you one of them was garish. talking

34:00

skeletons in a suit of armor, I

34:02

don't know. Do we really need this?

34:04

Hmm... I

34:07

mean, it's nice to meet you, Garish.

34:09

It's nice to meet you, Schultz. Nice

34:11

to meet you. I sort of agree. Do we need both of

34:13

them? They sound exactly

34:15

alike. If they

34:17

distinguish themselves in any way, perhaps

34:20

you would keep them both. Yes, how are you

34:22

two different from each other? Well,

34:24

one of us only tells

34:26

the truth. Nah, this. And?

34:30

And the other one owes the

34:32

other one for having all. Huh?

34:36

Okay. Okay, I'd like to

34:38

talk to the one who always tells

34:40

the truth. But you can say to

34:42

yourself, Garbage. You

34:45

know what? A lot of times, yeah. I'm fucking

34:47

to try to hold on to all of you.

34:49

Whoa! Ah,

34:51

that was satisfying. And now you don't know

34:53

the other one, 300 gold. Yay! I

34:57

guess it all worked out. My best friend.

34:59

My best friend. Huh,

35:02

that was sort of fucked. Um,

35:05

well, I suppose, uh, are you

35:07

gonna be all right, Garish? Or wait, are you the

35:09

other one? I don't know anymore. What?

35:14

I don't know anymore. You don't know which one

35:16

you are? No. Without

35:19

my best friend, I don't have an identity.

35:21

Eat me. Eat me. I'm to try to...

35:24

I'm fucking to litter... I'm... I'm to try to...

35:26

I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you. Yeah.

35:29

Mm. Mm, yum. I guess reunited,

35:32

so that's beautiful in some

35:34

way, in some way, right? Don't you

35:37

feel much lighter after all that? I

35:40

mean, uh, yes, besides the guilt I

35:42

feel, as those might have been

35:44

alive. Arnie, this guy's almost

35:46

as big as you now. You're getting

35:48

big. I was fast. He is, he's like gotta

35:50

be 6'2", 6'3". Ivan,

35:53

can I ask, have you always been

35:56

small? Or, you know, when

35:58

we met you, you were quite small. Yeah. I

36:00

know, I I I normally nine

36:02

feet six inches tall. Oh, I'm

36:04

sorry, go climbers over my shoulder.

36:07

I was due for a little

36:09

bit now I don't know after

36:11

bogged down by that about the

36:13

okay fine. But

36:15

you know, I was hibernating during the

36:17

season so I haven't seen him in

36:19

a very long time. And if I

36:21

don't need, I get small. So you

36:23

know if I don't need anything at

36:25

all. I ceased to exist. but now

36:27

thanks to you I'm as big as

36:30

far. For do say

36:32

I received from of borrowing dangerous but we

36:34

do have so much crap ordering from Rid

36:36

of your like a War constantly of venturing

36:38

and I remember to go. I've got a

36:40

bad habit of picking up everything like if

36:43

I go into a new and moon the

36:45

last. I just point and click and everything

36:47

and I'm just sort of like maybe I

36:49

can solve a puzzle later on with their

36:51

phone and with this in my bag already

36:54

I have forty five pounds of dead cockroaches.

36:56

just as I'm like I'm our neighbors. and

36:58

some point. Soon

37:00

as you want to be on an

37:02

adventure later and be like hundred and

37:04

as out for, there's all the way

37:06

back to where those cockroaches were to

37:08

solve the puzzle. Or you probably need

37:10

it right now when you have a

37:12

very hungry inventory amp asking you for

37:14

class and you have those bags his

37:16

cock roaches to give away. I'd to

37:18

say. Well let's

37:21

take a quick break. In all, These

37:24

conferences are. They

37:27

are just some backlog so I tried. You've

37:30

got to stop pointing out living things for

37:32

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wondery. I

39:18

know I'm bad. I'm a sort of a hoarder,

39:20

so I don't want to get rid of anything,

39:22

but how can

39:24

you get rid of that butt with

39:26

its own head stuffed in it? Okay,

39:28

keep. Next up, Arnie's notes about us

39:30

ever having a TV show. Keep or toss?

39:33

This stuff is shit.

39:35

Garbage. Don't

39:38

you feel much better now? This

39:40

guy is huge. You're

39:43

taking up a lot of this corridor that we're

39:46

walking down right now. And you're taking less space.

39:48

And isn't that what the point of all this?

39:51

I'm getting heavier and you are all

39:53

getting lighter. He

39:55

laughs, but his eyes are dead. I

40:01

have this resonance stone

40:03

that lately I feel like

40:05

every once in a while I'm hearing it say my

40:07

name. Can I put it up through my ear?

40:09

Yeah. I

40:13

think it's, I think it said honey. I know. It's

40:16

probably talking about me though, right? Are

40:19

you, are you in

40:21

a relationship with this stuff? I

40:23

mean, do you work? I'm

40:25

just gonna put this thing in my blinds. Yeah, hold on to

40:27

that. Hold on to that. Don't

40:30

you want to break up with your partner? Come

40:32

on. No, no, the stone's off limits.

40:34

Let's keep going. Let's keep

40:36

going. Let's see here. Usodores,

40:41

oh, his fake nose. Remember, use that fake

40:43

nose to sometimes walk around as a peasant?

40:46

Ah, yes. I

40:48

did wear that fake nose in the mole for

40:50

a while, but then the

40:53

Academy thought it wasn't the

40:55

best idea. You know, I've got to say at

40:57

first when people were talking about the fake nose,

40:59

I was like, that's awful. But

41:01

in the context of what you're doing with it,

41:03

it was better than I expected. Okay, well thank

41:06

you. Not a word winning or anything. Yeah,

41:09

that's trash. We can get rid of

41:11

that. Okay, all right. Let's keep going.

41:14

I crave more

41:16

trash. Okay, well,

41:18

fine, Ivan. We'll get you some more trash.

41:21

No, no, no, no, no, you cannot get on, don't

41:23

get on my shoulder. Hold on, get down. Get

41:26

down. Get down. What is with him

41:28

in shoulders? He thinks he's

41:30

a little imp still. You know, it's like when

41:32

you have a dog that thinks it's a lap dog, but

41:34

it gets too big. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I

41:37

want to sit on your lap. Well, maybe

41:39

when we go back downstairs. Oh, that reminds

41:41

me, a dog is too big. We do

41:43

have this tome that's the complete collected Marmaduke

41:45

strips. We don't

41:48

really, we were going to do it on Patreon, but oh,

41:50

wait, Arnie, don't toss it yet. Is

41:53

Marmaduke funny? Hmm. Like

41:56

what's a typical Marmaduke joke? Yeah. What?

42:00

from the bull. Yeah, read a page

42:02

from Marmaduke. Read a page from Marmaduke.

42:04

Okay, here's one. And you, hey, Usidor,

42:06

Usidor? Yeah. Is he saying

42:08

mom or duke? Like it's, they don't know if

42:10

somebody's a mom or a duke. Can a duke

42:12

be a mom? I thought that's what he was

42:14

saying. I mean, okay. Okay. All right, step backwards,

42:16

planet. So

42:19

here's a guy sitting in a chair and the

42:21

mom or duke is like sitting in his

42:24

lap and it's just so big and

42:26

he's just like, he's trying to

42:28

be nice about it. Chants, an

42:30

aside, please. Oh, please. Is he

42:32

saying Bob or duke? I

42:35

think he's saying mom or duke, but it

42:38

could be Bob. It could be Bob or

42:40

duke. Yeah. Like what is the name of

42:42

the, of the character? Bob or duke? We

42:44

don't know. Oh, well, duke could

42:46

be a bob, right? Well, I guess not in food.

42:48

That would be insane. Yes, exactly. And in this one,

42:50

he's saying if it's in a rhyme, if it's in

42:52

a book, you can't escape the Marmaduke. Trash,

42:55

cut garbage, toss it. Oh,

42:58

well, okay. I was starting to get into it

43:00

actually, but oh, well. Things,

43:03

things. I'm tired of

43:05

things. Give me people. Living

43:08

things is what I crave. Oh,

43:11

what does he want from us? Blood? Like, I

43:14

could like break my finger or something and

43:16

squeeze some into this. No, don't feed him

43:18

Seymour. Now, come on. Let's be

43:20

honest. This adventuring

43:23

party. Are you

43:25

all equally as important in

43:27

your quest or is one

43:29

not pulling the weight? What

43:32

I'm saying is,

43:34

is one of you trash that I could

43:36

eat? Your

43:42

voices are high, which means you're

43:44

lying. No, I just sat on my

43:46

nuts. Listen, hey, listen, Ivan, to

43:49

be fair, Arnie and I

43:51

sometimes both don't pull our weight. So

43:53

I don't think that makes us the

43:56

T word. Okay. Or the G word.

43:59

And sometimes you. I guess

44:01

he's pretty much always pulls his weight. But listen, hey.

44:04

Thank you. Taunt, what do

44:06

you bring to this party? I

44:08

think that was a party. Loyalty.

44:12

Fun. Wordplay. Wordplay.

44:14

Thank you, Arnie. Thank you so much. Are

44:16

you ready to sound? Ask Play. Ask

44:19

Play, yes. Only after

44:21

the third date. Sorry,

44:23

after the third of the month. Yeah.

44:30

The first two days of the month do not play

44:32

with my ass. Do

44:34

not go in there. Isn't that the new t-shirt

44:36

you're working on? Do not go

44:38

into my ass. Or don't talk to me until

44:40

I've had the third day of the month. Don't

44:43

play with my ass until after the third... whatever.

44:47

Well, I liked Arnie's version. I think it was the

44:49

most succinct. It's guys,

44:51

it's me. It's me, I'm

44:54

the least useful. I've been fucked. I've

44:56

been fucking things up. No, no, no, no,

44:58

no, no, no, no. No, Arnie,

45:01

you're the greatest lawyer in food. You were

45:03

king for a little bit. You're

45:05

the greatest swordsman in all of food. Good.

45:09

Arnie technically is all those things. You

45:12

created this podcast, Arnie. We wouldn't be doing

45:14

this podcast without you. So I

45:17

dare say you're the most important of the three of

45:19

us. Although Yser does do a

45:21

podcast. Yeah, he does. It's very powerful. I

45:24

guess it would make me feel better

45:26

if everyone was listening on Apple Podcasts.

45:28

And said nice things about me in

45:31

the review section of the podcast. I

45:34

didn't mean for this to be a totally

45:36

pandering storyline, but I'm willing to turn it

45:38

into that. No, of course. And

45:41

Arnie, can I just... I'll just add, anybody who doesn't

45:43

do that, who doesn't go and leave a review, I

45:46

think they're trying. Oh,

45:48

I see what you

45:51

did there. Good. I

45:54

shall feast for months. Years. Do

46:01

you have any kind of powers that

46:04

transcend this one dimension that we're in?

46:06

Can you travel between... That is a

46:08

weird question, I'm just hypothetically, could you

46:10

travel between dimensions? Well,

46:13

I guess I could if that

46:15

said dimension had a lot of garbage that

46:17

I could consume. You

46:20

know, I'm always looking for

46:22

yum, goody eats. Why,

46:25

what are you proposing? He's

46:27

gotten so big. I think his brain is the

46:30

same size, so he called

46:32

food yum, goody eats. Did we all hear

46:34

that? I did hear that. Actually, kind of

46:36

catchy. I'm stealing that. I'm kind of feeling

46:39

yum, goody eats myself. Why'd you eat? Come

46:41

on, that's actually awesome. We

46:43

haven't really thought about how we might use this to our

46:45

advantage. Oh, yeah. There

46:48

are a lot of people. Beams,

46:50

creatures, whomwith we have

46:52

issues. Let

46:55

me sit on your shoulder. Uh oh, hi, ow. Alright,

46:59

so, are you saying that similar

47:02

to how we sent memory

47:04

or wizard's bane off to try to kill

47:06

spin packs, could we try to sick Ivan

47:09

the inventory imp on one of the

47:11

wizards? I think it

47:13

might be just battle. I'll get

47:17

off. Thank you. Yes,

47:22

it's possible if we said that

47:24

such and such a person is

47:28

trash, that then

47:30

Ivan would be locked into

47:32

some sort of mortal combat with them. Oh,

47:35

yeah, Arnie, let's test it out. Who

47:37

on earth do you think

47:39

he should eat? I

47:42

mean, look, increasingly there's no shortage

47:44

of people that I could think

47:47

of, but I almost don't even want to invoke their

47:49

names. That's the worst part of it. James Spader is

47:51

trash. What? Arnie, I've heard you say that name. James

47:54

Spader, yes, I shall go

47:56

and eat James Spader. Thank

47:58

you so much. Now I can travel

48:01

to the other dimension. I

48:03

love you all. Kisses. Kiss

48:05

balls. Thank you. Kisses.

48:07

Kisses. Good boy! Oh

48:14

shit, I hope the blacklist isn't still in

48:17

production on my world. Now

48:19

James Spader, he was the one that you said was

48:21

the lead of the King of Queens? No.

48:26

Guys, alright, we're gonna have to start

48:28

having our IMDB meetings again where I

48:30

explain who was in everything. Oh no,

48:32

wait, James Spader, James Spader's the guy

48:35

who used to do a weekend update

48:37

piece where he was super snarky and

48:39

pissed off Eddie Murphy. No.

48:42

Hollywood Minute? Well,

48:45

it appears Ivan's gone to find

48:48

James Spader and I am outta

48:51

here. Bye

48:53

bye. Bye bye. Yes,

48:55

sir, bye bye. Bye bye, bye bye.

48:57

Oh there, he sent it back to me, thank you. Arnie,

49:00

do you think that's really gonna work? Do you

49:02

think Ivan's gonna be able to go to a

49:05

different, we should've said he was trash, fuck! We

49:08

should've said you were trash, oh fuck. Can we

49:10

get him back here? Well next

49:12

time, next time. We'll keep that

49:14

in our mind. Yeah. Before

49:17

we go, let's do a quick email. Dear

49:20

listeners, by the way, if you wanna email us, you can email

49:22

me at magictaven at puppies.supplies is a

49:25

real email address. Here's

49:27

one that I got recently. The

49:29

subject line is, Arnie should have business

49:31

cards in real life and on the

49:33

show. Not sure what that means. It

49:36

says, Arnie should have business cards in

49:38

real life and on the show that

49:40

say greatest warrior in all of food.

49:42

And then, hand them out whenever you

49:44

guys are out together. Give one to

49:46

the waitress at dinner. Talkative cashiers are

49:48

random people. I know I would, smiley

49:51

face. Feel free to use my name on

49:53

or off the podcast and please

49:55

don't die. Sincerely, Pancho Gomez. I,

49:58

Eusodora, P, Eusodora. Hey, sir. I

50:01

could swear Arnie read this email already.

50:04

Yes, Chum. I believe

50:06

he read that week, a week before. I don't

50:08

know. I could swear he's read that. Am I...

50:11

I don't know if... I am exhausted from

50:13

dealing with Ivan and he's eaten a lot of

50:16

stuff around here. I don't know if he

50:18

ate some of my memories or something. Who

50:20

knows? Arnie's memories. Arnie,

50:25

what's your middle name? Paul. Okay.

50:28

He's alright. I

50:30

assume that's correct. Now, I

50:32

have to ask. Arnie, what

50:35

would you do with a business card? I

50:38

could hand it out to people and just so that

50:40

they know who I am, so I'd have to spend

50:42

less time saying I'm the greatest warrior in all of

50:44

food. You know that sort of thing. I didn't let

50:47

the cards speak for me. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I

50:49

just had a great idea. Oh,

50:51

Arnie, you said you already just had an

50:53

amazing idea. What was this idea? Tell us.

50:56

Tell us. Ah, no. We

50:58

start to call Arnie Paul business. I

51:03

know. I hate that it's so good, too. Too

51:06

thin. Uh, buh-bye. Buh-bye.

51:10

Buh-bye. Buh-bye. I

51:12

kind of love it, but also at

51:14

the same time don't think it's a good idea.

51:17

Then it settles. We'll get you business cards

51:19

that say Paul business. Ah,

51:33

a carton full of Paul business

51:35

cards. I'm sure some landfill somewhere

51:37

will find those delicious. Yuzuru

51:40

the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Shonthe

51:42

Talking Badger was played by Adil Rafi.

51:45

Ivan the Inventory Imp was played by

51:47

special guest Oscar Montoya. Check

51:50

out his podcast Eurovangelists, covering

51:52

all things Eurovision song contest

51:54

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51:56

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