0:00

That was a great dinner. So great. Wait, where'd

0:02

you park the car? Oh, the one I just sold to Carvana.

0:04

What? When did you do that? When you were still looking

0:06

at the menu. I went on carvana.com and all

0:08

I had to do was enter the license plate or VIN, answer

0:11

a few questions, and got a real offer in seconds.

0:13

They

0:13

picked up the car already? No, I parked around

0:15

the corner. But they are picking it up tomorrow and

0:17

paying me right on the spot. Oh, no wonder you

0:19

picked up the check. Yeah, about that. Thought

0:21

we were going halvesies. Sell your car to Carvana.

0:24

Visit carvana.com or download

0:26

the app to get a real offer in seconds.

0:30

You look very smart. Thank

0:32

you very much. Very smart. What's the occasion?

0:35

I just thought one of us needed to make an effort. No,

0:37

you're going out. You've got a client after this. I've

0:39

got a client after this. I'm doing diplomatic

0:41

protocol after this. Oh, yeah? Yes. Where's that

0:44

at? Private venue. And who's

0:46

the

0:46

client? A private client. Honestly,

0:48

it's like doing a

0:50

podcast with your hooker. Oh, I don't

0:53

know if you can say hooker these days. Probably not, but I-

0:55

Sex worker. Sex worker, sorry. That's the catchphrase.

0:58

Right, OK, fine. Well, I'm not a sex

1:00

worker. Not wrong with that if you are. But

1:02

I will be spending a lot of time

1:04

talking about flagpoles. Hello, and welcome to Help

1:06

I Sexted My Boss,

1:12

the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of

1:14

modern life. Answering your 21st century

1:16

questions and finding

1:19

solutions to those everyday dilemma. Like, do

1:21

dogs look good in pink? Diego's

1:23

here today, and he's wearing a pink ponytail. Diego's

1:26

here today, and he's wearing a pink pullover. Hey,

1:28

Barbie. Do you like it, boys? What do you

1:31

think? It's cute, innit? It's

1:33

Barbie. Have you seen it? It's really good, babes.

1:35

It's really good. But yeah, it really

1:37

suits me.

1:38

Really suits me. Daddy, I love pink.

1:41

It brings out my eyes. Anyway,

1:43

carry on. Thanks,

1:46

Diego. And is it weird to rub sunscreen

1:49

in on your mother-in-law?

1:51

It's weirder to rub it on your mother. No,

1:53

not your mother. And that's what you do with

1:55

your mum, isn't it? What? You rub sunscreen.

1:58

No, that's fake tan. Oh, fake, OK.

1:59

That was in year 10, which sounds

2:02

weird saying it like that, but anyway. And,

2:04

um, would you rub,

2:06

if your mother-in-law asks you to rub some cream

2:08

in on her back, would you? I've

2:11

never really thought about that. Um,

2:14

which depends where she wanted it right. William, will you just

2:16

rub some cream in on my mum's back if my hands

2:18

are full? Your word, wouldn't you? Yeah. And

2:22

we've not got any pressure of Mikey's mum in...

2:24

No, we'll probably leave that. Yeah, yeah.

2:27

And what should you do if you've... Look at that, two impressions,

2:30

not even sad. And what should you do if you've accidentally

2:32

sexed at your boss, but we're not usually like any other... So

2:34

are we William Hudson, the UK's leading etiquette

2:36

and protocol expert? No, we're

2:39

not, Jordan North radio presenter. I'm

2:41

more bone China, you're more bone

2:43

idol.

2:44

I like that. That's from Laura Totle. I'm

2:47

really not bone idol, though. Oh, no, but

2:49

come on, just go along with it for the

2:51

purposes of comedy. Lazy Northern

2:54

character. How would you like to be perceived? I

2:56

think you're stereotyping, no? Oh,

2:58

really?

3:00

Yeah. I mean, hello, have you heard me? Yeah.

3:04

OK. I didn't like that one, I'm not going to lie. Oh,

3:06

well... No, I'm joking, I'm joking. It was quite fun.

3:09

Well, you go and take it up with Laura Totle.

3:12

Laura Totle, I'm joking. That was very good. Should

3:14

we have a drink? Yes, let's have a drink. Do

3:16

you want to do the de bonne for me, please? Because I've got

3:18

a bit of a text to read out. Oh,

3:21

Christ.

3:23

For who we are toasting. So

3:26

we're going to toast Glenn and Lindsay.

3:29

This is the message that was sent in. Hello.

3:31

I wanted to message at the end of what is a really tough

3:34

day, just to say thank you. Two years ago, I

3:36

lost my brother after a short two-week illness, and

3:38

the most heartbreaking thing was that due to COVID

3:40

restrictions at the time, I only got to say goodbye

3:42

to him via a voice note that my mum played. However,

3:45

this isn't a pity party. Instead, it's a thank

3:47

you. The podcast has really helped during the past two

3:49

years, and as I have the best luck, I

3:51

was mugged a year ago. And while recovering,

3:54

listening again to back episodes really got me through

3:56

a broken shoulder and the emotional trauma I was going

3:59

through. Not long ago. ago I introduced a close

4:01

friend to the podcast and knowing today's

4:03

anniversary she suggested a night in

4:05

with a good friend, a G&D and of course a toast

4:08

to my brother Glenn. We've laughed so

4:10

much and I remember all my happy times with

4:12

him. Honestly not a better way to toast him

4:14

today than with a G&D, good friends and good

4:16

food. In a way what the podcast is

4:18

all about. Lindsay, via Instagram

4:21

direct message. So we're toasting Glenn and

4:23

Lindsay. Let me cry first thing. No

4:25

it's not a pity Glenn and Lindsay. Glenn

4:27

and Lindsay.

4:28

That's such a beautiful message Lindsay,

4:31

thank you. That's so nice. We

4:33

are glad that we help and thank you. Having

4:36

all of you to talk to each week is

4:39

wonderful for us so thank you. And if you really

4:41

want cheering up you should definitely listen to our Specsavers

4:44

episode because that's going down such a storm

4:46

with our G&Ds so that will

4:48

definitely cheer you up. So

4:51

if you're up for a right laugh listen to

4:53

our Specsavers episode because I reckon it's

4:55

one of the best we've done.

4:57

Okay we're going there, fine. Yes

5:01

anyway. As always

5:03

if you need our help with something then we

5:05

would love it if you got in touch. Don't just push

5:07

my microphone to me passive aggressively.

5:09

Well I just yeah I just felt that

5:11

you needed to be a bit. As always, oh yeah that

5:14

is better. If you need our help with something then we would love

5:16

it if you got in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation

5:18

to help at sexandmyboss.com or

5:20

you can tweet us or send us a message on Instagram

5:23

at sexandmyboss or you can write to this man here William

5:25

Hanson in the fullness of time promises

5:27

a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting

5:29

cards with executive seal self-seal

5:32

envelopes. The address is on the website sexandmyboss.com.

5:35

How are you? I'm good. How

5:37

are you? Oh I'm fine thank you.

5:39

Counting down the days until Benidorm.

5:42

Um yeah. And it is now just days. Is

5:44

this guest list now full full? Yes

5:47

Jordan. It was full before you even started

5:49

to put anyone on it. There might be a few more.

5:51

Do you know how many he's got?

5:54

No. There's

5:54

more of his guest list than there

5:56

are winners. What? I mean there

5:59

are. 24 winners, Jordan.

6:01

Well, I mean, it's

6:05

just Jen's going to be out there. He

6:07

did my makeup on a show

6:10

I worked on at Christmas. Can

6:13

I just say, do you know how to say no to people?

6:15

No. You need to... Should

6:18

we have a role play? I'm sorry.

6:19

Oh, hi, Jordan. I once

6:21

met you. We passed in the

6:23

street. We worked together for a month and she's

6:25

a great laugher. Now we're really good friends. I'm not... It's

6:29

fine. I'm sorry, Jordan. I just wondered if I could come to

6:31

Benadorm, please, because I'm going to be there. I'm

6:33

passing. Can I come to the show, please? Yeah, of

6:36

course. No. We're a bit full, but I'll

6:38

see what I can do. No, you give a non-comitional

6:40

answer. Oh, it would be so lovely to have you there. I think we're

6:42

a bit tight on space, but let me check and I'll come back

6:44

to you and then you don't get back to them. We could just...

6:47

That's rude. That's not good etiquette.

6:49

Yeah. I'll see if the venue

6:51

needs any glass collectors or whatever and we could get them

6:53

to do a shift and watch the show.

6:56

I do all right.

6:57

Do you know, have you seen the episode of Keeping in Perferences

6:59

where they'll get squashed in the kitchen at the end because

7:01

the higher sense new country property is so

7:04

small it can't fit anyone. Yes.

7:06

All the gethans low and daisy or stuck in the kitchen. That is what our show

7:08

in Benadorm is going to be like. No one's going to be

7:11

able to move. Anyway, are you looking forward

7:13

to it? No. Why?

7:15

Well, no, I am. You're not. I

7:18

am. I am and I'm not. I mean,

7:20

I'm very two minds. I'm looking forward

7:22

to it. But we

7:25

are staying in a place with no air con, which...

7:28

No, Stuart has hired in some portable air conditioning

7:30

units. No, people... Sorry, carry

7:32

on.

7:33

Well... People think I'm being a diva, right?

7:35

I left the production team here to do one

7:37

thing. The production team. Okay. And

7:40

I look...

7:41

No, I am telling you now,

7:44

if you have been to Spain, even

7:46

when it's not that hot... To

7:48

be fair, I am slightly worried watching the news of all the

7:51

hot temperatures in Spain. Yes, exactly. Good

7:53

time to go. If you've been on a holiday, and

7:55

I did it in Magaluf when I was 18, 19, I said never again.

7:59

and you've stayed in place with no aircon, it

8:02

is horrific. You can't get ready because you're

8:04

sweating. You can't sleep because

8:06

it's so hot. I'm just saying.

8:08

Remember that time famously where Mike

8:11

in my previous property, it was so hot I

8:13

checked into the Savoy because I needed air conditioning.

8:15

Yeah. So I wonder

8:17

if I could strap a tower fan to my back

8:20

and use it on the plane.

8:22

A tower fan on, I think the airline

8:25

may say no to that.

8:28

Yeah. Well, that's Chelsea. So you feel

8:30

fit in one of those racks to get it in. That's

8:33

a bit of an in joke. Our good friend who

8:36

you might have seen on this morning and on

8:38

social media, she'd follow a cheap holiday expert.

8:41

She does loads of holidays and stuff. She does.

8:44

And they're all cheap. So

8:46

yeah, looking forward to Benadom. We've got

8:48

a bit of a surprise for you as well. Yeah.

8:51

You see, this is what I'm slightly

8:53

worried about. Have we got them here? Yeah.

8:56

There's something in the bag that we're

8:58

not getting out now. Oh no. Okay. Yeah.

9:00

We've got something

9:03

for all three of us. Me,

9:05

all

9:06

they'll say is me, you and Ben are going to

9:08

be matching. If

9:12

I'm not wearing swimwear, it's

9:15

a hard no on that. What makes you think it's swimwear?

9:18

Not that hard, but it's a straight no.

9:20

What makes you think it's swimwear? Because I know how the both

9:22

of you think.

9:23

Is it just a t-shirt? Maybe. I

9:26

can do a t-shirt. I can do a t-shirt. I

9:28

mean, I'd like it if it had a collar, but I can do a t-shirt.

9:31

This is the bit I'm not looking forward to building. I

9:34

think I have come to terms with everything else.

9:36

It is the element of surprise

9:38

and not knowing what you've got planned. Like, Benadom's

9:40

breakfast, fine.

9:42

I can do that. That's just basically

9:44

a greasy English breakfast. Excuse

9:46

me. What? It's a

9:49

breakfast. Not a greasy breakfast. It's quite...

9:51

Yeah. It's what you need. And

9:53

I've come to terms with... People have been tagging me in videos

9:55

of sort of

9:56

things that happen in Benadorm and sort of people

9:59

getting tied to po... and whipped and stuff,

10:01

I mean I think that's in Menidor, but they've been tagging me

10:03

in them. I've come to terms with

10:05

that.

10:07

What I have not come to terms with is the

10:09

element of surprise as to whatever you,

10:12

Ben and Stuart have planned. This is gonna make

10:14

you, this is gonna make you this. This is gonna make me,

10:16

is it? Yes, because I've been really struggling. Yeah,

10:19

this is gonna be the making of you. Right.

10:22

It's like your first lads holiday in your 30s. And

10:24

probably my last. Because lads holidays when you're like 18, 19, 20.

10:28

Mate. Anyway, what else do you been

10:30

up to this week? What's going on in the world of William

10:33

Hanson? I went and saw my film. Oh,

10:35

how was it? Yes, Red, White and Royal Blue, which is

10:37

out on the 11th of August. So big,

10:40

big weekend that weekend.

10:42

Yeah, it was, it's all right. Just all right?

10:44

No, it's nice. When you're, when you've worked very

10:46

close to something, obviously you have a different perspective,

10:49

but it was halfway through the film, I suddenly had this sort

10:51

of rush of, oh, I'm actually quite proud to have worked on

10:53

this. Oh, that's good. So that's nice. Not

10:55

during a scene that I was involved in, but I still

10:58

had,

10:59

you know, it all came over me in waves. I

11:01

bet it did. Yeah. And listen to Friday's

11:04

bonus episode, because. Last

11:06

Friday's. Last Friday's, because we had. Robbie. Robbie

11:08

on who's an intimate coach. Intimacy

11:11

coordinates. Intimacy coordinates. For

11:13

film and television. Yeah, was there a lot of. It's

11:16

quite,

11:17

yeah. Is it? I mean, yeah.

11:21

Wow. Okay. Yeah, there's

11:23

a lot going on. Robbie did a very good

11:26

job. Let's put it that way. Who did you

11:28

go with? I went with my friend Charlie.

11:30

Okay. And Viral Freddy.

11:32

Oh, right. Did they enjoy it? They did enjoy

11:34

it, yeah. It's a nice film and

11:36

it is the sort of, you know, look, it's not high art, but

11:40

it is, well, it's not, you know, you're not watching

11:42

Chekov,

11:43

but it's. Chekov. No.

11:46

What's Chekov? Chekov.

11:48

Playwright, don't worry. It's

11:50

the sort of

11:51

film that actually had there been around

11:54

in my formative years and lots of other

11:56

people's formative years as well. It

11:58

might have just

11:59

made.

11:59

things a little bit better

12:01

and that's my attitude.

12:04

So

12:06

yeah a lot of my Barry and Kurt seeing that I spent

12:08

hours coaching people on has been cut that's

12:11

unfortunate but there we go decisions have to be made

12:14

but it's nice it's good. Fun film.

12:16

I'll watch it I'll give it a go. It's on Amazon Prime.

12:19

Oh okay. And also I went to another wedding lots

12:21

of weddings at the moment went to my cousin Ann and Vince's

12:24

and Vince the groom halfway through the

12:27

sort of reception pulled out a bottle of Dubonnet

12:30

and said I've never tried Dubonnet I

12:32

want to try it with you so

12:33

the

12:34

groom and I had the D together which is

12:36

nice it's

12:38

happened before and yeah

12:40

we knocked my hat back. Did we have to body

12:42

at your wedding? I think it

12:45

was available I don't actually think anyone ordered

12:47

it. I think at the after party we had it then. Yeah

12:49

maybe. I think people were drinking it then.

12:51

Yeah but anyway it was a beautiful wedding and Ann and Vince

12:53

thank you and you make a gorgeous couple Ann

12:55

is my cousin Vince is not my cousin in law and

12:58

it was really really lovely so another lovely

13:00

wedding just a string of lovely weddings this

13:02

year. How

13:03

do you feel about if you can't

13:05

make it to a wedding or a family party

13:09

and instead of you going your family order

13:11

a cardboard cut out. Yes. Now

13:13

is. Well you said this last week how did that

13:15

go? Is that funny or is that just passive aggressiveness?

13:19

I think you think it's both. Can we both? Wendy's

13:21

fuming because it cost a 54 quid. 54 pounds

13:25

for a bit of cardboard. Yeah and someone's

13:27

drawing a massive cock on it which was always gonna

13:29

happen. Did it arrive like that? No

13:32

someone's painted like

13:33

drawing it with a felt tip. Where have they put that?

13:36

Pardon? Where have they drawn the phallus? Like

13:41

is it where if they push it? Why

13:43

would you say it like that? Well because

13:46

I'm trying not to say cock. You

13:48

could say willy. Okay where if they

13:50

put the willy? On my face. Rapped.

13:53

Yeah. Where else would you put it? Drawing

13:56

glasses on as well. Think of a few blazes. I

13:58

actually.

13:59

People of... Sorry! Did

14:02

you get

14:04

it? Nice. How does

14:06

that make you feel? I don't know if it's cute

14:09

or...

14:09

But there's loads of other people at the party that couldn't

14:12

make it, like my cousin and my other brother. Yeah, but they probably

14:14

don't have cardboard cutouts available. And I'm an old cardboard

14:16

cutout, so that... You can probably make

14:18

a bespoke

14:19

one. Probably. Yeah. But

14:22

also, what was the occasion that you missed?

14:25

It was just a family get-together. It was a bit of a baby

14:27

headwetting for Lucas. Right. My

14:30

good nephew. Yeah,

14:31

but surely I would also say, for

14:33

you, you were working, you were off doing Radio 1

14:36

stuff. That was presumably in the diary for

14:38

months. Yep. So why did they...

14:40

if they wanted you there... Oh, right.

14:42

No, I'm just trying to take your side.

14:45

Okay. I don't need your help. Okay,

14:47

right. Fine. We'll move on then. What else has

14:49

been going on? I found a new way

14:51

to do coffee.

14:52

Okay. Now, controversially,

14:54

G&D was all remembered that we have had crosswords on this

14:56

podcast before about my coffee. Just

14:59

because you like a lighter coffee,

15:01

so I'm now full on number five. I get a French

15:03

roast. Right. Yeah. So I

15:05

like a... By the way,

15:08

got to say this, a lot of people talk about Italian

15:10

coffee and French coffee. Spanish coffee is

15:12

the best coffee. When you go to Spain,

15:14

they do the... it's like tar. It's like... like

15:16

treacle. Oh, beautiful. No. So

15:19

I like a dark roast, so I get number five,

15:22

sometimes number six.

15:23

Number four don't quite do it for me. But also,

15:25

you're buying supermarket coffee. So

15:28

it's like you can get the Italian one, which is number four,

15:30

but I like the French one, which is number five. Anyway,

15:32

carry on. So do

15:34

you still use your machine in the morning?

15:37

Yeah, in the coffins. Do you do a cafeterie at all?

15:39

French press for the... Every now and then, yeah, but

15:41

I've got my little coffee machine now. So if you are

15:43

doing cafeterie, and you can all try this at home, there

15:45

is a new way that I've learned via

15:48

James Hoffman, who's a coffee sort of YouTuber,

15:52

about how to do cafeterie coffee, and

15:54

it'll change your life. You put the water in first? No.

15:58

You should do that, so you don't burn the coffee. No,

16:00

no, well, okay, but okay, so you see, you

16:02

know something. So you pour the water in first,

16:04

let it cool down so you don't want it

16:06

boiling, but anyway, carry on. Well, Jordan

16:09

is right. You shouldn't use 100 degree boiling

16:11

water on coffee or tea for that matter, but definitely

16:13

not coffee because you burn the beans. So it should be about 90 to 95.

16:17

So yes, you can boil the kettle and just let it sit for a minute

16:19

or you can get a temperature controlled kettle and use that

16:22

anyway. Grind your coffee, obviously

16:24

grind your beans straight away. As you know,

16:27

first thing in the morning, straight on grinder, coffee

16:29

gets done, put that into

16:31

the cafeteria.

16:32

Then you pour the water on, fine,

16:35

at 90 to 95 degrees

16:37

and let it sit. Don't put the lid on, just

16:39

let it sit and let the crust form

16:42

on the top of the coffee. And this will work much

16:44

better with freshly ground coffee. Here

16:47

is where then happens. Don't put the lid on. Here

16:49

is where this changes. After four minutes,

16:53

stir the crust back and forth and it

16:55

really has got quite crusty in those four minutes. And

16:58

then with a normal sized dessert spoon, scoop

17:01

off the foam

17:02

and the sediment from the top into a little

17:04

dish. Then again, let

17:06

it sit for three minutes. This is a lot

17:09

of fat for coffee. We've done this for weeks now. What?

17:13

You then put your lid on, the cafeteria lid. I really

17:15

want a coffee now as well. But don't

17:17

press the plunger.

17:19

If you press the plunger,

17:22

you're going to

17:23

upend all the sediment and all the sort

17:25

of the coffee granules that have sunk to the

17:27

bottom, percolating through the coffee. You

17:30

then hold the lid on carefully and pour

17:33

gently into the cup and you get

17:35

such a smooth cup

17:37

of coffee, no sediment until

17:40

maybe like the last cup where it's right at the end.

17:43

It'll change your life. Okay, I'll try that.

17:45

I have also changed my bean. So you should

17:47

come around and try what I've got now. I need

17:49

to get, yeah. I just do

17:52

not like wheat coffee.

17:53

Like you're, that's fine. No, but I have changed

17:56

that one you didn't like. I have not used for about a

17:58

year and a half. It's just a...

17:59

Like coffee. No,

18:02

coffee is so personal because some people like a light

18:04

rose, some people like a medium. For me, it's gotta

18:06

have a kick. It's gonna be pow when

18:09

you get it in the morning. Okay. Which is

18:11

funny because I've started double bagging. For

18:15

tea? Yeah, I forgot to tell you.

18:17

Okay. But because I have

18:20

more content to bring to the show, I

18:22

didn't think it'd be important, but however we go.

18:27

And where is that? I'm joking. Sorry,

18:31

that was an uncomfortable. No, no, it's fine. It's

18:33

fine. You've got to keep your double bag. I've started double

18:35

bagging. So this is where you just put two tea bags

18:37

in? Yeah, a girl at work. Well, Sophie,

18:40

Mary, Jack, she makes a bruise. I always say,

18:43

Sophie, make a great bruise. She's like, yeah, I do a double bag. So

18:45

now I've started double bagging. Gosh, she doesn't care.

18:48

Two tea bags, quite wasteful, I

18:50

know.

18:51

And then, because

18:53

I have tea in the afternoon. Right.

18:56

Well, God, so I do two tea bags. Not that revolutionary,

18:58

have you? Just try it. If you're listening now

19:01

and you're sick of your,

19:04

you're not quite feeling it with your tea, double bag. Also

19:06

as well, especially if you're in London,

19:09

you've got to use filter water.

19:12

Yes, of course. And every

19:15

couple of months, probably you should do it

19:17

more. Use those little descaler

19:19

things. You know that you're popping

19:22

your kettle. Once a month, I mean. Especially if you

19:24

live in London. Because when people go

19:26

and make your bruise, you go to someone's house and you can tell

19:28

what kettle's scaled. Oh, yes. It's

19:31

all that floaty bits at the top, but it just tastes

19:33

like. It's not good for you either. Mm, the metal. No,

19:35

I can't imagine. The other top tip for tea and coffee, don't

19:38

re-boil the kettle. So put enough water

19:41

in. Also good for cost of living anyway, but put enough

19:43

water in that you need for whatever usage

19:45

and throw that away if there

19:47

is any left when you then go to make another

19:50

cup of tea and coffee because every time

19:52

you boil water, you're removing oxygen

19:54

from the water. And so actually if you use

19:56

the same water sort of you boil a few times to make

19:58

your coffee, it'll taste.

19:59

more dull because you've removed the

20:02

oxygen and you actually need oxygen to make a good

20:04

cup of tea or coffee. Any more tips

20:06

on making a...?

20:08

No, store

20:10

your beans in an airtight container.

20:12

I'm sure you know that. Only grind what you

20:14

need. Okay.

20:16

Yeah. I make a good brew. But

20:18

I don't like tea. You don't? It's me. No, I just

20:20

can't do it. I love tea. I

20:23

can do tea when I'm in a hotel and it's

20:25

sort of nice and fresh and there's a strainer and

20:27

it's lovely. Like Darjeeling, the champagne of teas.

20:29

I like that. But

20:31

I don't like... like a thing of sort

20:34

of standard builders tea. Oh,

20:36

do you not like tea like when it's in a nice

20:38

little teapot

20:40

and pour it like... Yes, but if it's

20:42

nice, loosely. If it's a teabag, I'll just forget

20:45

it. I'm not doing it. So I like coffee in the

20:47

morning, but if I'm having a fry

20:49

up at a hotel, I always get a cup of tea.

20:51

It's got to be a nice tea. I hope they have good coffee

20:53

in Benidorm. I'm actually going to bring

20:56

a travel cafetiere and some

20:57

freshly ground coffee, I think.

21:00

Because if I don't have my coffee, I will be a miserable

21:02

bitch. Right. Wow. I took my

21:05

cafetiere and I'll do it in the other week. Did

21:07

you? Yeah. Nice. Well,

21:10

maybe we'll do my new coffee method.

21:12

Okay. We'll try it then. Yeah. That's

21:14

a bit formative in Benidorm, isn't it? Yeah. All

21:17

right, Mr. Sarki. No, I'm not being

21:19

Sarki. I'm just saying. I left my fridge open

21:21

as well this week. I keep doing it. Well, that's...

21:23

I know. I don't think it's going off. I think my fridge is

21:26

broke.

21:26

Well, because you keep leaving the fridge door open. I've

21:29

left my fridge open. The

21:31

shake comes in three, so it'll be one more. I've bought a brand

21:33

new hairdryer because I needed a quieter

21:35

one. Because my other one was too... Why are you drying the air?

21:37

Hair dryer. Oh, hairdryer. Oh, you're

21:40

a Sarki bitch. So

21:42

it was really... I'm so annoyed. I've

21:45

had it a day. And

21:47

when you dry your hair in the morning, it's lovely. It's like... It's

21:50

just a little murmur. What's it like? A

21:54

drop to hit. No, it's like...

21:56

I'm revving up a moped every morning.

22:00

It's a nightmare. Can

22:02

you take it back? Don't worry if I can. Did

22:06

you get a warranty? I dropped

22:09

it. There's not a lot you can

22:11

do about that. No, you can't lie. Do

22:14

you want to come to Benidorm? I'll

22:16

get you a ticket. Go

22:18

to Canada. Happy place. Hi.

22:21

Do you want to come?

22:24

Do people still say happy place to you? Yeah.

22:28

No, all the time. Was it the airport

22:30

this week?

22:31

Happy place. Oh,

22:34

it's you, see it nomin' everything. Happy

22:36

place. Do you know what they always say as well,

22:38

which I don't know if it's offensive or not. Like, what are

22:41

you doing now? I've not seen you much since I'm like...

22:44

You know, keep them busy.

22:45

Podcast. Yeah,

22:48

radio. Music,

22:50

radio, podcasts. I'm going

22:52

to go down a very controversial route here. OK. What

22:56

do you think men's lose in theatres?

22:58

Can we talk about this? Women do

23:00

this at concerts as well, and I never mind. Because their

23:03

queue's always massive. Completely get it. And

23:06

there's never... Particularly

23:08

in theatres, which are all built in the Victorian times, and obviously

23:10

buildings are smaller and they're not like... Did they not weigh in

23:12

the Victorian times? No, they did. But

23:14

like, you know, when you're building the O2, or

23:17

an arena,

23:18

and it's a purpose-built structure, you can put in more

23:20

loose than in a sort of a narrow Victorian theatre, where

23:22

you're trying to squeeze it in between two other buildings. So I appreciate that it is difficult

23:25

to get the right number of loose for

23:27

any gender. However,

23:30

I was at the theatre.

23:31

We

23:34

went to go and watch Operation Mincemeat at the

23:36

Fourteen Theatre. And... Any

23:40

good? We enjoyed it very much. I went

23:42

to the loo with two minutes to go for the interval, because normally, you

23:45

know, there was nobody in there. So I went in, there's one cubicle for the men,

23:50

and two urinals,

23:50

one of which is underneath a circle. In

23:53

fact, they're both underneath a slope. So,

23:56

and it has, please mind your head, so me being six foot

23:58

had to crouch.

23:59

I couldn't use the cubicle.

24:02

I had to use the urinal and you know my thoughts on urinal

24:04

You don't like urinals Because

24:06

the cubicle was busy. Fine

24:08

as I, okay needs must, awful, you

24:11

know, think of England, off I went

24:13

Crouching, doing

24:15

all that Anyway flush

24:17

from the cubicle, cubicle door opens.

24:20

It's a lady who of course

24:22

sees me doing that, screams slightly

24:24

and then shuts the door and Locks

24:28

herself back in the cubicle

24:30

And I thought okay, that's irritating because

24:33

a madam I can assure you I'm no

24:35

threat But also you've chosen

24:37

to come into the men's lose

24:40

I couldn't use that cubicle

24:42

because and mate I might have needed to use the cubicle

24:44

for many other reasons

24:46

But that's my that's my as a man

24:48

cubicle and I appreciate that your

24:51

queue is long and I'm with you and I

24:53

will Campaign to get better lose for

24:55

women and indeed for men

24:57

and indeed any gender But

24:59

that annoyed me.

25:00

I mean she's probably a bit shocked.

25:03

Well, why why is she shocked? So

25:05

there's a man. She could have said oh, sorry, but no,

25:08

she screamed Okay

25:11

I mean, I love wearing a lovely electric blue

25:13

half-zip as well. Did you flash her? I

25:15

did not well I don't know. I don't know. I

25:18

hope you didn't didn't work out the angles

25:21

At least wait till we got this book out before you

25:24

First time I've made a lady scream But

25:29

I just thought come on it's a bit rich

25:32

That you you're shot. You can clearly again.

25:34

I don't go so much you can clearly hear there's somebody

25:37

else in the loop There was in the full Monty No,

25:39

there's a cracking scene in the full Monty

25:42

where the girls going the gents and one of ladies has

25:44

a wee standing up Okay,

25:46

it's brilliant. So I I

25:48

didn't think that was possible

25:50

Anything is possible anything is possible.

25:52

But yeah, it's really good to see. Okay, nice Anyway,

25:56

so that's my week. Let's hope let's

25:58

take Benadorm is is less eventful

25:59

Um, I think it's fine for girls to

26:02

use the gents. What?

26:04

I don't mind. It doesn't bother me. But

26:07

when we've owned... And I appreciate she didn't know how

26:09

many cubicles we had in there, without

26:11

going in. But

26:13

it's a bit rich to then scream.

26:15

Anyway, here's Jordan to JollyJoke of

26:17

the Week. If you like a

26:19

chap who's cheeky and northern,

26:21

you're in for a treat with

26:24

our Jordan. And if a giggle

26:26

is what you seek, you're sure

26:28

to love Jordan's JollyJoke of the Week.

26:31

There's two I've got for you today. One

26:34

is fine. Both, both to do

26:37

with what's going on. We'll do a Spanish one because we're going

26:39

to Benadon. Oh, I keep the theme. Okay.

26:42

What do you call two Spanish firemen? Well,

26:44

we'll find out after these messages.

26:47

Ryan Reynolds here from Int Mobile. With

26:50

the price of just about everything going up during

26:52

inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down.

26:55

So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer,

26:58

which is apparently a thing. mint mobile

27:00

unlimited premium wireless how to get 30 30, maybe 30

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taxes and fees extra additional restrictions apply. C-Mint

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Mobile com for full terms.

27:25

Don't you sticking with us, Gene Deavers. It's time for

27:27

Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. This one was sent

27:29

in from Johnny via Instagram. I've

27:32

heard this, but I've not heard it for years. I forgot how good

27:34

it was. What do you call two Spanish

27:36

firemen?

27:37

I don't know. Jose and Hoseby.

27:43

It's nice. That's fun. This one's doing the round

27:45

as well. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Oh,

27:49

I've seen this. I don't know. Ken

27:51

came in a different box.

27:55

Have you seen Barbie yet? Pardon? Have you

27:57

seen the Barbie doll? No, is that in the cut? It's all right.

27:59

It's like I like it.

27:59

It's a slightly different film to how I

28:02

maybe expected it to be. And

28:04

I think if I watched it again knowing

28:06

what the film is, I would enjoy even

28:09

more. Oh, OK. Because obviously you were seeing

28:11

it for the first time. I did text Ben Ben, went

28:13

to go and see it the other day, and I did text Ben before I

28:15

go. Ben, of course, thought he was being hilarious

28:17

by saying that he's like a cross between Barbie and Ken,

28:20

because the B from Barbie and the EN from Ken,

28:22

Ben. And

28:25

I said he's more of an Alan. And

28:28

he then went to go and see the film, and I think he was vaguely

28:30

pleased with that comparison. I've got something, yeah, and I've

28:33

seen Skynsizer.

28:36

Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer. I need

28:38

to go and see that. That was sent in

28:41

via Libby on Instagram DM. Also,

28:43

Susannah said, what's the best part about

28:46

being a circumcision doctor?

28:48

I don't know. You get paid well

28:50

and you get... Go

28:56

on. This

29:00

is great. What's

29:03

the best part about being a circumcision doctor? I don't

29:05

know. You get paid well and you get to keep the tips. Jordan.

29:12

Who

29:15

sent that in? I don't know. That

29:17

was from Susannah. Well, thanks,

29:19

Susannah. If anyone's... Have we

29:22

done this before? What? Have I dreamt

29:24

it? If you get circumcised, do you

29:26

get to keep the

29:28

best? I think we have

29:30

taught you all these before. I think somebody once said,

29:32

yeah, they've got it in a little... Yeah, I know someone.

29:36

Yeah, near the pasta in the kitchen.

29:38

Yeah, that's right. I thought we had. The

29:40

wrong place to keep it. Yeah. I wonder what

29:42

it looks like. Could it be like just one

29:45

long big floppy piece of skin on a big

29:47

circle? I don't know, but on the basis that last week

29:49

I had to ask you what your bollocks look like, let's not continue

29:51

this thing. I'll just forget about that. This is

29:53

from, I

29:54

think, Jamie. J-A-I-M-M-I-E.

29:57

Let's go to Liston's questions. John?

29:59

Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?

30:03

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Dear William

30:05

Jordan and E.P.B. My husband and I are immigrants

30:07

from Canada and we moved to the UK

30:10

in 2019. We're still in touch

30:12

with our Canadian friends and have been invited to multiple

30:14

weddings abroad all in various locations.

30:17

Can you do the Canadian accent? Neither

30:19

can you. That was a bit new to say. Well,

30:21

needless to say, it's fairly expensive to go to

30:24

celebrate our friends and up-tools, but we will try

30:26

to make a holiday out of it. Where I'm stuck is the etiquette

30:28

of gift-giving when travelling in from

30:29

abroad or attending

30:32

a destination wedding. We always give

30:34

money because it's practical and what

30:36

everyone wants anyway. At our age, 35, most

30:38

people have table settings, crock pots, air

30:40

fryers and whatever they need to furnish a house. True.

30:44

We give the same amount as everyone else. Wow.

30:47

$500, presumably Canadian dollars, a

30:50

couple, so about £300. Wow.

30:53

That's very generous. I always

30:55

felt like, I told you my advice.

30:58

They do 50 quid.

30:59

Mm-hmm. But

31:04

also paid at least £1,500 on airfare unlike

31:08

anyone else. I'm really worried that people think

31:10

we will be cheap if we give less, but these weddings

31:12

are getting so expensive to attend. No. This

31:15

time, we did make a 10-day trip out

31:17

of it, but we have flown back for a weekend

31:20

on other occasions just to be able to attend. Can I be

31:22

cheeky and right? So glad we could fly all the way from London

31:25

just to be here on your big day in

31:27

the card instead of the usual monetary

31:29

gift.

31:29

Thank you in advance for any help with

31:32

this sincerely, Jamie. Jamie,

31:35

I don't think, yeah, if

31:37

you can't afford to give them anything and you've spent

31:39

a fortune on air travel, then they should,

31:41

they'll know that,

31:43

they'll appreciate that, and

31:46

you can always drop them a message or even give them a call

31:48

and say, look, I'm going to come over, but I just want you to know

31:50

beforehand, we're not going to be able to afford a gift

31:53

just because of, and I bet you, nine times out of 10, if

31:56

they're a good friend or relative,

31:58

they'll be like, oh, of course.

31:59

Yeah, I don't expect anything.

32:03

Yes, and I'm going to say this to anyone who is

32:05

getting married

32:06

at a destination. And

32:09

whether that destination is abroad or

32:11

within 50 miles

32:12

of where you live

32:15

or where most of your friends live,

32:18

do not expect people to give a wedding present,

32:21

whether that's money or crock-pots, air

32:23

fryers and pay to attend

32:25

your wedding.

32:26

We are not all multi-millionaires. It is

32:28

unfair. There is a cost-of-living crisis going

32:30

on. Look, you chatted me down with the people. Well,

32:34

weddings are expensive. I'm with Jamie. People

32:37

decide, especially the ones that decide to get married abroad. Fine

32:39

if you want to get married abroad, but I would say automatically,

32:43

unless all your friends are multi-millionaires, automatically

32:46

it's no presents.

32:48

Yeah, OK. It is so

32:50

unfair. And also, if the

32:52

bride, the groom, the groom, the bride, if they kick

32:55

off

32:55

and say to you at some point, even in a passive-aggressive

32:58

way, oh, you know, no presents, or, oh,

33:01

did you not, you know, we're not able to get us anything,

33:03

they're not your friends. No,

33:06

like, even if the

33:09

wedding's in your hometown and you can't afford

33:11

it, don't feel like you've got to give.

33:14

We've talked about this before. There's

33:16

no, just because you go to wedding, you don't have to

33:18

get them a present if you can afford it, yeah.

33:20

But I don't know, if you're like, if you just had a kid

33:22

or something, I'd expect nobody should,

33:25

if I got married, I'd be like, no, they

33:28

don't give, you

33:29

can do that. Hopefully not when you're standing there.

33:31

Well, oh, God, no. I

33:34

would,

33:35

yeah, I think you've got to be realistic. And I think,

33:37

we know wedding presents traditionally, Jamie

33:39

has said, traditionally were, because a couple

33:41

didn't live together, and so you were giving them toasters,

33:43

plates, napkins, knives and forks, pots

33:46

and pans, things to start a home. People

33:48

are living together now, and most people are,

33:51

or if they haven't lived together, they might have lived separately, and

33:53

have all of that. There

33:55

is an argument you don't actually need to give anything. I don't

33:57

know, it is nice, don't get me wrong.

33:59

I think if everyone went round

34:02

and most people want money, my

34:04

mate's got a new settee out of it. Right.

34:08

Andy got a little bit decorated as well. It's

34:10

nice to have something new to sit on after your wedding. Yeah,

34:12

exactly. Good. There

34:15

you go. So I

34:17

told this to you on Saturday for

34:20

Jack's wedding. I went for Junk

34:22

Cup Jack's wedding. I went with merchandise man,

34:24

because we're all colleagues. Oh yeah,

34:26

and friends. And friends. And we

34:28

turned up on the train together and we both

34:30

got the same customer. Oh yeah. Oh

34:33

that happens. That happens. Yeah.

34:36

Yeah. I've been given the same card for

34:38

birthdays and that last night. Yeah, it's

34:40

the thought that counts. Don't worry about that. But hopefully

34:43

a different message inside. Different message,

34:45

mate, I'm gonna go buy another card. You

34:47

made Matt go and buy a different card.

34:49

Who are you? I can tell he's executive

34:52

producer, Ben. Executive producer, Ben. Yeah, but

34:54

you were there in a social... He's Matt, not an exec, because he just... He's going

34:56

to use the mat. Oh, fair enough. He's

34:58

always had beef with Matt. Yeah. It's

35:00

because Matt's better looking and funnier. I

35:03

like the Ben happily. We've got

35:05

the same card.

35:06

Like, like what we

35:09

gonna do here, life. Do you want me to go and

35:11

get another one? I sound so awesome. I'll

35:13

do that. Don't you

35:14

worry pal. We've

35:16

not seen Matt in ages. We haven't seen Matt

35:19

in ages. He produces Moo under

35:21

the water. It's class,

35:23

you want to hear it like. It's class, it's boss. Fucking

35:27

boss, Jordan.

35:29

He's from Rexham. It's actually from Rexham,

35:32

isn't he? Right,

35:35

next one from Al. Dear William Jordan

35:37

EPB, I'm moving from London to New York

35:39

in a month's time. You can tell when I have no content

35:41

for a show. I just do loads of impressions down

35:43

there. I've nothing going on this week.

35:45

Since 2019. I

35:48

have a very good and happy life in London. Darlings,

35:51

have you heard James? Oh my God, darlings.

35:53

I'm sorry to

35:55

interrupt. Have you heard him? It's no longer

35:57

on BBC Radio Bristol. They are dead to me.

35:59

They are dead to me at BBC

36:02

Radio Bristol. However, he has

36:04

been promoted to Times Radio.

36:07

Yes, Times Radio. I've

36:09

seen Rupert recently and I said, Darling,

36:12

thanks for employing James on your Times

36:14

Radio. Who's Rupert? Murdoch. Oh,

36:17

right, yeah. So, I'm

36:19

so proud of him, darling. So you should definitely listen.

36:21

He's on Times Radio. I've

36:23

been listening every morning at 4am. He's

36:26

on at 5? At 5am. It's

36:29

usually when I'm

36:29

finishing my last champagne.

36:32

Shall we move on to Alice's letter? Bye-bye,

36:35

darlings. Dear William Jooran,

36:37

E.P.B. I'm moving from London to

36:39

New York in a month's time. I have a very good and happy

36:41

life in London. I'm worried that I'm giving up a good

36:43

and balanced life of friends, family and work. I'm

36:46

currently 29, but I figured if I didn't take

36:48

a leap of faith and try a new life experience, I

36:50

would regret it. But I'm a bit at a crossroads.

36:53

I'd never been travelling and I always wanted to, but this

36:55

is a big change. Have you got any advice

36:57

on pre-moving a broad nerves? Many

36:59

thanks. Out. Out is perfectly

37:02

natural.

37:02

I think that would happen to everyone. You

37:04

think, am I doing the right thing? Is it going to work

37:07

out? If it doesn't work out, six months at a year's

37:09

time, you come back. You say you're

37:11

a crack at it. I know it's easier for us to say that, but

37:13

still go for it. You regret the things

37:16

you don't do, not the things you do in life.

37:19

So go for it, but that's perfectly normal. Yeah,

37:21

and when you get into New York, join the Running Club.

37:23

Yeah. So, yeah. Do

37:26

they have learning clubs in New York? I'm sure they do. They're

37:28

good at all. They count as your. Oh,

37:30

yeah. They do. Does yours have a New

37:33

York branch? No, but like I'm aware

37:35

of... I'm wondering if there's a New York branch. I

37:37

went for a run when I was in New York. It's like the Freemasons over

37:40

there. I know, yeah. They've got that little weird handshake, don't

37:42

they? It's got like this. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

37:44

Running Friends. Oh,

37:47

don't take that. No, no, no. That's

37:49

your line. Whoa. You go, way

37:52

Running Friends. Oh, don't. It's cute. It's

37:54

got his little running friends. And Al, I think,

37:56

you know, do take a leaf out of producer bends,

37:58

but what a weird phrase to say.

38:01

Join clubs, join activities,

38:03

even if you're moving cities within your own country,

38:05

it can be daunting and weird. Now,

38:09

Al, I'm assuming you're British, you

38:11

live in London, you'll probably have the sort of British advantage

38:13

when you're in America because they love it all and

38:15

you can golly gosh it up a bit and I'm sure people will

38:18

be putty in your hands. They won't for me.

38:21

Well, you're not very golly gosh, are you? No, they

38:23

couldn't understand a word I would bloody say.

38:25

But yes, I

38:28

think you'll be fine but it's nervous,

38:30

you're right to be nervous but there's

38:33

an element of acting I think. Join some clubs,

38:35

be as sociable as possible and

38:37

I also think people in America are probably a little bit

38:39

more up for, they're a bit more open

38:42

than maybe the Brits, they're a bit more up for

38:44

new adventures and new things. I think they're

38:46

less conservative with a small c. I

38:50

admire, I couldn't think of anything worse than moving

38:52

to a new place now. You're obviously going to go to Spain

38:55

eventually when the career dries up next week, sorry

38:57

in a few years time. Yeah. Where

39:00

else would you go if Spain was off the list?

39:02

No, it'd just be Spain. Okay, if Spain

39:04

was off the list,

39:06

where else would you go? Just Spain. I'm

39:08

not sure you're grasping the concepts. Where

39:11

else would I go? I'm going to buy a little

39:13

villa and read.

39:15

Right, how will you pay for the little villa? Watch

39:17

a place in the sun in the afternoon, that'd be weird, ain't it?

39:21

I think over there they have a show called A

39:23

Place in the Cold. Cos it's

39:25

the name. Do you think this, have you not seen that

39:27

move? Do you think the Spanish sit around all afternoon

39:30

watching a place in the pissing down rain? But

39:33

that's what I'll do. That's what my mum does.

39:36

Right. She literally watches A Place in the

39:38

Sun every afternoon. You're going to become a Wendy overseas.

39:40

I just can't wait. Yeah, nice. This

39:43

is from Cameron. Dear William Jordan, E.P.B.,

39:45

I come to you with a

39:45

dilemma that I've kept to myself for a few years.

39:48

You've come to the right place, Cameron. Back

39:50

in 2020, while studying Glasgow, I was

39:53

sharing a flat with multiple flatmates. One

39:55

weekend I decided to go home and visit the family.

39:57

One of my flatmates informed me he would be having people...

40:00

around for a party which was fine by me. However,

40:03

in the time I had been living in the flat, I had noticed

40:05

things going missing from my room when I went

40:07

away for long periods of time. Me

40:09

being fed up with not finding out who the culprit was,

40:12

I decided I would set up a motion activated

40:14

camera using an old phone and placed

40:16

a very large, obvious sign saying what the phone

40:18

was doing. Before I headed home, I

40:20

asked the flatmate, Ho Sing, to please

40:22

not let anyone in my room, as it was my space

40:25

and I wouldn't like anyone in there and that I didn't

40:27

know. I headed home to my parents' house

40:29

where I had a lovely evening. At 3am,

40:31

I was woken up by a notification on my phone saying

40:33

there was motion detected in my room. One

40:36

of the party guests decided he was going to stay in

40:38

my bed but not before carefully

40:40

placing pieces of toilet roll on

40:42

my sheets, fully undressing and proceeding

40:45

to pleasure himself. I was so

40:47

horrified I immediately deleted all the recordings

40:50

and the app as I didn't want to see any more of this

40:52

nightmare that had just unfolded before my eyes.

40:55

Once I returned to the flat, I removed all of my

40:57

bedsheets and disposed of them. I have

40:59

since moved out of that flat and have kept this horror

41:01

to myself until now. My question to

41:03

you both is, what would have been the best way

41:05

to deal with this situation at the time? Much

41:07

love, Cameron.

41:09

Cameron, I

41:11

mean this with the utmost respect, but they've

41:14

only had a wank in your bed. I

41:17

mean… Yeah, I mean I have to say, I mean I'm disposing

41:20

of the shi- washing them, yes. Disposing

41:23

of them? Bit of an overreaction. Cameron,

41:25

it sounds like you've been a bit dramatic here. You've

41:27

left the house and you've burnt your bedding because someone's

41:29

had a wank in your bed. Do you know

41:31

what I think when you've got guests over, you

41:33

know, in your spare room and stuff, they probably, you

41:35

know… Well then I'm sure Cameron's not a nun. Probably

41:38

some guests,

41:40

you know, had sex. Oh right,

41:42

yeah, okay, we'll get the idea. Had a tommy tank in

41:44

your bed. Like, just, yeah,

41:46

look, I get it's your space and it's not, not

41:49

okay that someone's got in there when you've asked them not

41:51

to. But

41:53

I would have washed the sheets, definitely. Yes, and

41:55

also Cameron, you know, with the motion… Cameron, you've

41:57

been in hotels before, someone's

41:59

probably…

41:59

I had a wank in that bed. But they've probably done a lot worse.

42:02

You know, it

42:04

happens. The hotel doesn't burn the sheets after

42:06

each use. Yeah. And also,

42:09

you know, OK, you set up the camera. Fair enough. There

42:11

was clearly an issue. Stealing is not good. That's not

42:13

right. And yes, you're trying to catch the culprit and

42:15

it's your room. So you have every right to do

42:17

that. But I

42:19

mean, don't be that surprised you caught something going

42:21

on with the motion activated camera in terms

42:23

of what you do. You've moved out. Hopefully you're

42:25

in a place of your own or you are living with people

42:27

you trust. So there's not a lot you can do now. Oh,

42:30

but I've just put a lock on the door.

42:32

Yeah. And if you were able to. When

42:35

I was at uni, that was part of it. You

42:37

used to be like, I'm away this weekend and someone say, I've got

42:39

mates coming. Can they stay in your bed? She's like, yeah, sure,

42:42

fine. I used to do it when I lived in the old flat.

42:44

But did you get them to change the sheets? Yeah, of

42:46

course. Yeah.

42:48

I've been dragged up. No, but no, but no.

42:50

But did you change the sheets for the people that were then

42:52

staying in your bed? Or did you go, your friends can stay.

42:54

I'll put some new sheets on the bed, put them on the bed. No, I changed

42:57

it for them.

42:58

Oh, my gosh. And then I'd leave a fresh bedded out

43:00

and be like, can you change it? OK, so that

43:02

was a... Yeah. So that's fair enough. Yeah, well,

43:04

I love the job we had mates stay there all the time.

43:06

I don't mind. Nice. OK. Yeah. Do

43:09

we have time for one more? Yeah, of course we do.

43:11

Trust me, Cameron, we've had a lot worse happen

43:14

on this podcast than strangers wanting in beds.

43:17

This one is from Beth.

43:19

Hi, boys. I'm currently sat in

43:21

an airport. My flight... Sitting. My flight

43:24

has been delayed. Last night's meal gave me food

43:26

poisoning and there are people everywhere. So

43:28

I'm a bit testing. There is a lady

43:30

sat directly behind me... Sitting. Behind

43:33

me in the airport who was humming at the top of her

43:35

voice. She's been doing it for a good 90 minutes. I'm

43:38

glancing behind me and she's not wearing headphones

43:40

or AirPods. So she's not humming to

43:42

anything. She's just exposing the rest of us

43:44

to her inner monologue. What's the etiquette

43:46

here?

43:47

Can I tell her to shush? Do I sigh

43:49

loudly and hope for the best? Love you. Love

43:51

the podcast. Beth. She's probably

43:53

a nervous fly of Beth.

43:55

Mmm. That's what I do when I get

43:57

nervous. Do you? Mmm. What,

44:00

Newham the Cam Cam? Is

44:05

that what that is? Ham Cam. That's

44:08

the anti-throat-shaking tune. Yeah,

44:11

they're well-lit.

44:12

One more. Coronation

44:14

Street. Oh, don't start. You'll get going. You

44:17

know what I'm like with those trumpets and colouring. No,

44:20

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

44:23

I'm not. I'm not. I'm

44:25

not. I'm not. I'm not.

44:28

You've got those trumpets and colouring. Go

44:31

and get your trumpets out. Oh, I've not humbed

44:33

in ages. I love a good hum.

44:36

Go on, you do me some hums. It's

44:40

quite calming, little humming, it's all hummed together. It's

44:42

like when you do a hum.

44:45

Um. Then hum.

44:48

What shall we hum? I'll

44:51

guess a tune. Go on, you hum. Buggy

44:55

down. Well done. One more?

44:58

Um. Hum, hum, hum. Hum,

45:02

hum, hum. Does he wash

45:04

up? Yeah well done. Boy doesn't think he

45:06

should do. So, we might hum it, you know we're humming.

45:09

Humming. Anyway, back, it was slightly

45:11

distracted. Back to Beth's dilemma.

45:14

Yeah. I don't think there's much you can

45:16

do, you could move.

45:17

But you're in a public space, people

45:19

are going to be weird. Airports, yes,

45:22

people might be nervous. I would

45:24

say in this place, irritating, but there's literally

45:26

nothing you can do. Yeah, maybe move away,

45:28

but she's probably just a bit nervous. I mean, are you wearing

45:30

Beth? Are you wearing noise cancelling headphones?

45:33

Yeah, you can put headphones. Yeah, I think you can

45:35

be proactive about it. I think you're being a bit highly strung

45:37

there, and that's coming from me. This next one

45:39

is from Melissa. Dear William Jordan and

45:41

E.P.B., I'm afraid I have a devastating dilemma

45:43

for you. I'm currently house-sitting for my parents

45:45

whilst they're away on holiday for a week.

45:47

On the first night, after a few glasses

45:49

of wine, I got under the bed to plug my phone charger into the wall.

45:52

There I found a very

45:54

pretty shoe box. Oh, no,

45:56

don't look in the shoe box under the bed.

45:59

Based on how vanilla my parents seem, I thought I would

46:02

do no harm to open the box. No! As

46:05

it was probably some form of family memorabilia.

46:08

It's always the vanilla ones. It's

46:10

them that I like.

46:12

Yeah. I was very

46:14

wrong. Oh Jesus, why would

46:16

you look? Oh I don't even know if I can read

46:18

this. Why would you bloody look? Why?

46:23

Imagine my shop as I opened it to find my

46:25

mother's very large and realistic battery

46:27

powered boyfriend.

46:29

I was a battery. It's obviously

46:31

a dildo.

46:33

Hindsight is great and I know now that

46:35

I should have left it there, but my curiosity

46:37

would unfortunately get the better of me. Being

46:41

alone and horny and also quite impressed

46:43

by the ex-Alvainy monster I had

46:45

on my hands. No, no,

46:46

no. Oh no! No, no,

46:49

no.

46:49

She did not use a monster although.

46:52

Tell me, you are. Tell

46:55

me. Well please.

46:57

Please. I

47:00

can't. She, I just, I can't.

47:03

No, read it. People are disgusting.

47:06

She did not.

47:09

I gave it a wash, turned it on and

47:11

slipped it in. Jesus, Mary and

47:13

Josephine on the baby Jesus

47:16

on a becking bike. What the

47:18

hell? So not to go into too much detail,

47:20

all I'll say is the beast was amazing.

47:22

It hit all the right spots. I've

47:25

been using the device for the last three days now and

47:27

thought I'd Google it to see if they had a newer version

47:29

for me to buy myself as I can't exactly

47:32

steal my mother's vibrator when I leave in a few days

47:34

time. No, posturally.

47:36

The only markings were a faint name on the base embossed

47:38

in the plastic. Upon closer

47:40

in...

47:41

Oh no! It gets worse!

47:45

How? How does it get worse? She's using

47:48

her mum's dildo

47:48

for Christ's sake. No!

47:52

No! What?

47:56

What? The

48:06

only markings were a faint name on the base embossed

48:08

in the plastic. Upon closer inspection

48:12

I could now see the brand. It read,

48:16

Clone a Willy.

48:26

Turns out I've been getting the best orgasms of my

48:28

life from a replica of my father's penis.

48:34

How am I meant to proceed from here? I think

48:37

we're done. They will be home in a few days and

48:39

I don't think I can look them in the eye. What's

48:41

your advice, regards Melissa?

48:44

I think this is it. We

48:48

can just do Benadore and end it. It's

48:50

been a great five years. This

48:54

is it. We've peaked. I'm

48:59

actually speechless. I

49:01

think this is it. The advice here is you've only got

49:03

yourself to blame, you're going to be scarred for life,

49:06

tough. I think this is it. We cannot,

49:08

we can't help here. This is how we walk

49:11

off into the distance. I'm not walking off

49:13

to this. I think we'll end on that one.

49:17

There's no advice here other than she's

49:19

a dirty pervert. She's not a dirty pervert.

49:21

Melissa, there were so

49:23

many things where you

49:28

would have stopped.

49:30

Mainly just seeing the shoe box and you should

49:33

not have touched your parents property. If it's clearly under the

49:35

bed, tucked away and not labelled

49:37

clearly like family memorabilia or something,

49:40

don't touch it. What

49:42

a weirdo. Obviously

49:46

you're our weirdo, but you're still a weirdo.

49:48

That went in three phases there.

49:50

Yes. Right, first of all, why did you look in the shoe box?

49:53

Second of all, why did you just say, don't know what you

49:55

love her? Do

49:57

you remember a few years ago when that guy walked

49:59

in and and his housemate's shagging the melon.

50:01

Oh, that looks like Beatrix Potter now. I know,

50:03

and we were like, oh God, how awful, how ghastly.

50:07

Always remember, you can listen every Tuesday and Friday,

50:10

and you can watch us on YouTube on Mondays, share

50:13

us on your socials all week. Genuine,

50:15

if you've got friends or family that have never listened

50:17

to this podcast, just get them to listen

50:19

to this episode.

50:21

Just say, this is what, now is the

50:23

time. Listen to the last ever episode of Help Her Sex

50:25

With My Boss. Now is the time. Word of

50:27

mouth is the best form of advertising. You can send your

50:29

tales of trepidation to help at sexwithmyboss.com.

50:32

You

50:34

can tweet us or send us a message on Instagram at sexwithmyboss,

50:37

or you can write to William, who in the fullness of

50:39

time promises a handwritten reply in one of our luxury

50:42

greeting cards with executive self-seal envelopes.

50:45

You can address us on the website, sexwithmyboss.com. If

50:48

we can still make it to Friday, it's the final

50:50

episode before we head to Benidorm. That'll

50:53

be on the weekend release. Thank you

50:55

for listening. Should we have another drink? Yes,

50:57

the whole bottle.

50:59

Here we go. Goodbye. It's

51:02

like Melissa.