Does the internet make us disconnected - Is This OK? author Harriet Gibsone
Does the internet make us disconnected - Is This OK? author Harriet Gibsone
Does the internet make us disconnected - Is This OK? author Harriet Gibsone
Episode Transcript
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through life\u0027s tricky topics and skills by reading through the best books out there. \n\nThere is no denying that the internet has had a positive impact on human communication. Compared to pre-internet times, we are now more connected than ever before. However, some would argue that the more anonymous and less immediate interaction associated with digital communication is bad news. Behind the screens of smartphones and the keyboards of computers, there are also more chances for deception—particularly for vulnerable people. \n\nSo how does the internet hinder our relationships?\n\nHere is UKCP Psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer from Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy on his thoughts.\n\nMARK VAHRMEYER: As a psychotherapist, I think that it\u0027s fair to say there has been an exponential increase in the numbers of people looking to get their relational needs met online, what we might call parasocial relationships. But I think there\u0027s a misnomer in this concept because the idea of being able to get relational needs met through a relationship is essentially one way. So it\u0027s an audience towards a media celebrity or a social media presence. The social media presence relates to the audience as a whole, whereas that audience member relates to the social media presence as if they know them as an individual. These relationships tend to be based on the concept of sameness rather than difference, which is a mark of healthy real relationships. Why might this be? Well, fundamentally, I\u0027ve already alluded to one point, which is it\u0027s easier? It\u0027s easier than having real relationships with real people because we don\u0027t have to contend with differences. So in this way, there\u0027s actually quite a strong narcissistic element to all of this. I think there\u0027s some real pitfalls in that increasing numbers of people seem to be substituting their real relationships for these pseudo relationships. And fundamentally, these parasocial relationships or pseudo relationships don\u0027t meet our relationship needs. So all of us have relationships in order to be seen and understood. And these types of relationships essentially leave us feeling deficient, which can then contribute to low self esteem.\n\n(Back to host)\n\nOur first book is from Harriet Gibsone, who is a former Guardian culture writer. She began her career as a runner for MTV, before becoming a music journalist in the 2000s, writing for publications such as Q, NME, Time Out and Nylon. She spent eight years as a Guardian staff writer and editor and now has a column for its weekend magazine. Her memoir Is This OK? One Woman\u0027s Search For Connection Online was published this year. It was wonderful speaking with her, hence here is a snippet of our chat, but find the full interview on www.howtobe247.com or on the YouTube channel. \n\nHARRIET GIBSONE: I would say it started out as voyeurism, very much so. With me, it started out with access to all these people that I\u0027d never been able to speak to, older boys, primarily. And I could watch their movements online and I could see all these exotic women that I\u0027d never seen before. And as, uh, someone who\u0027s always really loved watching people, always been really interested in finding out what it\u0027s like to be someone else. The internet sucks me in so much because of that. But I would say social media has evolved so much over the last few decades, and now I would say I don\u0027t want to speak on behalf of every single human being on planet Earth, but I think a lot of us are numbing ourselves with the internet. Therefore, escapism is really integral to how we use the internet now. I think it\u0027s less about seeing reality. And like, I really loved early, uh, internet because you felt like you\u0027re kind of peeking in and you\u0027d see things that you weren\u0027t necessarily meant to see. A photo that someone, a friend had tagged someone in and you thought, oh, that\u0027s great. I\u0027ve never seen that side profile of that girl before. Whereas now everything is sun curated. It\u0027s so designed to make you buy stuff to buy into different human beings who are personalities, who make money out of advertising that I think it\u0027s lost some of that kind of really juicy voyeuristic thrill. And it is a lot more about disappearing into sort of daydreams and needing stuff that you don\u0027t actually need. Well, parasocial relationships have been around since the 1950s when social scientists discovered that people were having these really extreme reactions to television stars or radio personalities because they were inside their homes. And people felt this complete affinity and desire to be close to these human beings. They were never going to meet. And, um, these days it\u0027s only accelerated with the fact that you now have access to these people 24 hours a day on social media. And I think parasocial relationships probably had a huge increase over the pandemic for obvious reasons. We were cut off from our friends and our families, and the Internet\u0027s very good and deceptive. It makes you feel as if you\u0027re having this connection with someone that you\u0027re sharing a moment or you\u0027re learning about someone\u0027s true being, when actually it\u0027s all kind of constructed to make you feel something. There isn\u0027t that much genuine connection, I don\u0027t think, personally, from these people that we\u0027re idolising on the internet. I think since I don\u0027t know for post pandemic, but whatever era we\u0027re in now, i, uh, still think it\u0027s very prevalent. As I said earlier, I think it\u0027s less about the Internet, is less about having these conversations with people, and more about idolising personalities and content creators. There\u0027s like a weird hierarchy to the internet now that I\u0027m seeing. So I think the parasocial relationships are kind of putting a slight distance between human beings in reality. I\u0027ve got a friend who works at a university, and she said that during Fresher\u0027s Week or the first week of term, the students are all put in a room and instead of looking at each other and having kind of those really uncomfortable, awkward conversations, they\u0027re looking at their phones. They\u0027re looking at people on their phones. And so, a few months into university, they\u0027re getting really depressed because they\u0027re lonely, they don\u0027t have friends, and that\u0027s because they are not interacting with human beings. And I know this seems really cliche. Everyone knows this kind of the Internet is not good, it\u0027s not healthy. But I do really feel that it\u0027s creating a kind of a fear of actual genuine intimacy and connection. It\u0027s a lot easier to get that hit of dopamine from staring at someone than it is to have that kind of often quite awkward moment of revealing yourself to someone, talking to someone. It\u0027s not always nice being in a direct conversation with someone, but you have to do it because you don\u0027t get that buz from staring at people because they\u0027re not there, they\u0027re not real, and they can disappear anytime. It\u0027s hard because I feel like everything in society is extremes in both directions. Now, if you consider like a marginalised group or the fact that someone might have from a tiny village connection to someone who is like them that they wouldn\u0027t normally have because no one else in their village has got ADHD or is trans or something like, you know, there are genuine communities online that are beneficial to people, that help them from feeling alienated and alone. So, on one hand, it\u0027s brilliant, and, um, on the other hand, it does create this artificial sense of connection that does actually delay genuine connection. But then when I think about past generations, there was so much stoicism and so much toughness and a lack of vulnerability that there probably was a lot of loneliness in that way of life, too. It\u0027s just different now. I feel like we share quite a lot online now, but I don\u0027t know if it\u0027s to the people that we need to share. It\u0027s these human beings on the Internet rather than your sister or your friend. I don\u0027t know if we\u0027re lonelier. Uh, I really hope not, because I feel like the pandemic really gave people an opportunity to stop doing the things they should do. So just doing a chat on Zoom rather than meeting in real life or giving us an excuse not to see family members or I don\u0027t know, just not going out to restaurants. Just all these kind of brilliant things that it\u0027s just easier just to do it on your phone, isn\u0027t it? I mean, I don\u0027t remember feeling insecure before I had the Internet, but then it arrived when I was 15. So that\u0027s when you start feeling insecure anyway, because your body and your brain is developing and changing and you\u0027re feeling all these new things and you\u0027re looking different and you\u0027ve got spots and stuff. So I can\u0027t separate. If it was the internet or adolescents that made me into the insecure wreck that I became, but I do think I\u0027m not a scientist, but it\u0027s really dangerous for teenagers on the internet because those pathways are created during those years, those adolescent years, and addictions are dangerous at that age as well. I would say when I was a teenager it was incredibly intoxicating to go on forums and talk to strangers and I got a real thrill out of it. But it was really naive and quite experimental and ridiculous and say this in the book, but my best friend and I would log on and just say really disgusting things about excrement to men that we knew were going to try and say something sexual to us. And it was this exciting thrill to sort of play with these sort of predatory men. I mean, that was, it was funny. I\u0027ve spoken to lots of girls and They did something similar. It was quite empowering for a minute and then MSN arrived and it created this constant dialogue with people that you were seeing at school most of the time. But I really loved that as well. But it was dangerous because it was such a profound distraction and a lot of sort of nastiness could be created. And it was the sort of very early days of a nasty message might have been sent, or you might have, I don\u0027t know, been left out of a conversation. Uh, people might have deleted you as a friend. So all that kind of layer of those sort of insidious things that are magnified much more in today\u0027s culture and then, yeah, I think for me it\u0027s just been a huge distraction from doing the things I should be doing. So I\u0027ve always been really jealous of people who are smarter than me. But if I was on the internet less, then I could read more books. But instead I just keep staring at fit girls on the internet and not reading books. It\u0027s inhibited me. As a young person, I would say I feel like I could be a more rounded, intelligent, worthy person had it not been for those early 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They meet on the roof of a deteriorating playhouse, where they spend time together whittling sticks and observing an elderly couple who live nearby. Despite not typically being interested in people like the couple, they find themselves captivated by their every move. This voyeuristic activity serves as a connection to the adult world and creates a silent sense of camaraderie between the two individuals.\n\nThe author rejects the label of voyeur and provides examples of what they perceive as true voyeurs: a man lurking in the bushes near their school and a landlord who invades privacy with hidden cameras. They contrast these individuals with themselves, emphasiwing their innocence and youthful nature. They describe a moment when they derive excitement from observing an adult male unpacking Quicksilver t-shirts, suggesting that their interest lies more in curiosity and innocent fascination rather than intrusive voyeurism. However, she adds: \"If I had known back then that something would enter my world and amplify my inherent lurk-mode compulsion to\nquite such a seismic degree, I would have cultivated an occupation for a more wholesome hobby instead\".\n\nShe talks about the phenomenon of parasocial relationships, which refers to the one-sided emotional connections that individuals form with public figures such as television personalities, musicians, and influencers. The term originated in 1956 and has gained more prominence in recent years due to fanatical \"stan culture\" and the perception of constant access to celebrities through social media and reality shows. She highlights the troubling aspects of parasocial relationships, including a sense of entitlement to personal information and the potential for fans to become trolls or obsessively dedicated to uncovering details about their idols. It also mentions the creation of memes and conspiracy videos surrounding potential love affairs and conflicts within bands or other groups.\n\nHowever, with these kind of relationships for the author, Gibsone describes how a small part of their inner world feels recognised and understood when they engage with various forms of art and their artist. Whether it\u0027s in a large concert hall or on a stage, the experience of seeing themselves reflected in the art brings them a sense of upliftment and relief from the existential loneliness that is inherent in the human condition. It shows the power of art to connect individuals on a deep emotional level and provide solace in the face of the universal human experience.\n\nShe delves into a less discussed aspect of parasocial relationships, focusing on fixations that extend beyond celebrities and public figures. The author explores the realm of obsessions with ex-lovers, new friends, colleagues, or even random individuals encountered in daily life. These fixations can lead to online snooping and a sense of insecurity. Despite having fortunate experiences as a music journalist, the allure of online obsession persists, impacting the author\u0027s life. They describe a pattern of getting lost in unrequited fantasies and using the internet as an avenue for observation and escapism from the mundane or painful aspects of reality. The journalist reflects on how these online fixations have played a fundamental role in her personal growth and navigation through life, ultimately shaping their journey towards womanhood.\n\nGibsone also recalls memories of her childhood before the era of MSN. She describes this period as innocent and idyllic, filled with activities like climbing trees and screaming in playgrounds. She portrays a mixture of childhood innocence, mischievousness, and the exploration of boundaries. She also talks about her relationship with the internet during their coming of age in the early 2000s. They describe the typical setup of a shared family computer, a slow dial-up modem, and limited online time due to the need for the house phone. 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What is the one thing, or couple of things, that you are worried anyone would know about you? Try the ‘worst-case scenario’ exercise. What would be the worst thing that could happen, if someone knew this about you?\n\nWe seem to be tired. Here is an example of how fatigued we are. There is a Facebook group that exists where you pose a low-stakes question and the members of the group make the decision for you. It says: ‘Can’t decide between two shirts? Can’t choose between pizza or spaghetti for dinner? Let this group make small decisions for you.’ It has 143,000 members.\n\nSounds extreme, perhaps, but it sums up a general feeling of overwhelm, of to-do lists, decision fatigue, choice paralysis, of the growing number of apps on our phones, and the growing number of pressures put on us. Social media, and the way we are currently using it, is fatiguing us. Over time, it has become a very different place to the online world we entered decades ago.\n\nThe algorithms, gamification and in-built technology have changed our behaviours, exhausted us and, quite frankly, manipulated us in the process.\n\nIn 2017, a piece ran in the Independent newspaper about Justin Rosenstein – the man who invented the ‘like’ button on Facebook – stating that he had in fact deleted the app from his phone. At the time he invented it he believed it was ‘awesome’ but later admitted he feared it brought ‘bright dings of pseudo-pleasure.\u0027\n\nIn 2020, Netflix aired the documentary The Social Dilemma. But it showed us, via the horse’s mouth, how much darker it had become – resulting in the former employees at the big tech companies who designed the interface and engineered the addictive algorithms coming clean and cleanse their consciences. They explained exactly how the business models of social media companies are built on clever and strategic manipulation.\n\nGannon asks why are we so desperate to cling on to social media? Our cultural obsession with productivity has also been exacerbated by our access to evolving technology – and perhaps we are now in so deep that we feel as though we wouldn’t know how to function without it.\n\nWe are also fatigued at the amount of online abuse. Especially that which is targeted towards women, and specifically towards women of colour and the trans community. You wouldn’t go to a pub where people were shouting and threatening to kill you, so why would you want to hang out somewhere like that online?\n\nThis is the huge issue – people not seeing other people as human and therefore thinking they can spout whatever hatred they want to them. We are fatigued at feeling as though we have to play a game to be seen. This applies in our personal and professional lives. 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Even at a young age, using limited SMS messages or accessing slow internet at cafes, they felt the same addictive pull towards digital devices as they do now with modern technology. Their innocent curiosity as a child evolved into a job involving constant interaction with screens and technology, highlighting the enduring nature of their addiction.\n\nGannon observes that many of her friends are leaving the internet, particularly platforms like Twitter. The reasons for this vary, including concerns about data collection and privacy, but primarily because the internet has become an unpleasant space. People feel exhausted from constant advertising and being told what to do or think. The author also mentions feeling overwhelmed, lacking creativity, and experiencing a sense of staleness when it comes to posting content online. 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We used to understand that the Internet was a part of life but not the main thing running the show. The day emails went onto our phones was the day we moved from being slightly disconnected to being constantly ‘on’.\n\nThe same type of answers came back when she asked, ‘What one thing would people get rid of or change today if they had a magic wand?’ \n1. Getting rid of the ability to post hateful content. Bullying. Trolls. Revenge porn postings. Anything that harms another person. \n2. Introduce tougher penalties regarding online abuse. \n3. Intrusive advertising. Companies who still do not respect the GDPR regulations.\n4. The ability to create/use bots. \n5. Fake content; be it filters, fake news or ‘deep fake’ videos. \n6. Removal of ‘likes’ to end popularity contests. \n7. Inability to swing election or politics. \n8. Take away anonymity and introduce a e-identity card. \n9. Fewer notifications in general. \n10. 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She embraces the present moment and expresses a desire to savour every experience.\n\nGannon says in Disconnected that it\u0027s time to reboot. Get creative for creativity\u0027s sake. Reach out to people more. Make Things even if no one sees them. Dig deep and notice the causes that need help beyond the headlines. Connect with likeminded people and not so like-minded people. Scrap the shiny exterior of the personal brand. Show the real you.\n\nI have to agree. We\u0027ve disconnected the more we build parasocial type relationships online. We need more offline meaningful relationships, as well as being vulnerable with the people that you trust online. Please join in on the conversation by following @howtobe247 on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, and subscribe on the podcast, which can be found via www.howtobe247.com. \n\nPlease do leave a review if you found this helpful and you want to be featured! 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From The Podcast
How To Be...Books Podcast
Discovering what makes us human, exploring important life hacks, and "how to be", whilst highlighting the most important intersectional nonfiction books our there. The How To Be...Books Podcast looks at improving mental health and wellbeing, as well as creating social change through reading and interviewing mind-blowing authors.Have you ever thought why is it that my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances can do so much more than me? Well if you have, you're not alone. From confidence, persistence, motivation, to resilience - these life skills can help us go a long way in believing in ourselves. Not to mention, we live in a polarised world where conversations have broken down, so we've opened a space for those difficult chats.We will try examine the tips and guides out there to see if it can help. Whilst I am no expert by any means, I have lived experience of feeling different and misunderstood, so hopefully we can take this path of enhancement together. PS. I do not receive commission for the books and guides reviewed.Hit subscribe if you like it!Join Podchaser to...
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