0:03

All right, this is the Iron Wrap Porp Podcast

0:05

coming live from the beaches of Tuloom.

0:07

I'm actually in the ocean. Why do I do this? I

0:10

do this for you, you fox you.

0:12

It's all real, it's all live, it's direct,

0:15

all right. If I drop this fucking device,

0:18

it'll be the end of the Iron Wrap Porp Podcast.

0:20

But these are the risks I take. And

0:23

uh, I don't even know where to start. I'm just

0:25

gonna give you a little, uh, a little

0:27

preview. What's gonna happen. We're gonna discuss

0:30

every fucking thing that

0:32

I've done and that has happened

0:34

to me. I've been in a fucking rain storm.

0:37

I'm in a town called Toloom,

0:39

which they don't tell you

0:43

can't flush toilet paper

0:46

down the toilet bowl, so

0:49

okay, so that fucking

0:51

threw me for a loop as soon as I got here. They

0:53

also don't tell you about the smell um

0:57

beautiful town, beautiful people, but

0:59

just the you know, when you go on like Yelp and

1:02

trip preview and you know this

1:04

and that they should mention that you

1:07

can't flush toilet toilet paper

1:09

down any fucking toilet bowl anywhere you

1:11

go. Okay, so I

1:13

you know, basically, what they make you do is take

1:16

a ship in the toilet bowl,

1:20

and then there's a bucket where

1:23

you you you you, you take your your toilet

1:25

paper. You use toilet paper, and you gotta stick

1:27

it in a bucket. Which is confusing because after

1:30

forty five years of shipping in the toilet bowl,

1:32

sometimes I put the toilet paper in the toilet

1:34

bowl, which means then I have to go into

1:36

the ship riddle toilet bowl and

1:38

take out the toilet paper.

1:41

All right. It takes a few days to get used to this, so

1:43

I decided, fuck it, I'm gonna

1:46

just start shipping in the bucket. You

1:48

know, two tears in a bucket, motherfuck

1:50

fuck it's I just shipping all in the bucket.

1:52

I'm not even using a toilet bowl

1:55

here, that's for real. That's for I gotta bucket

1:57

with some sand, and I do everything right in

1:59

my bucket. It. But I'm on the beach

2:01

right now. I'm about to go back into my hut and

2:04

we're gonna get into this episode. It's called

2:06

the Viva la Mexico, and

2:09

this is their Dingo Man

2:11

Dingo coming live from

2:13

the beaches of Tuloom. While

2:16

on vacation in Mexico, I absolutely

2:19

positively wore my Greats sneakers.

2:21

Grates is the first men's sneaker brand from

2:24

Brooklyn. Born in Brooklyn, Greats

2:26

is the direct to customer sneaker brand that is redefining

2:29

the sneaker business. They eliminate the middleman

2:31

and saved the consumer money by selling direct

2:34

to you be a Greats dot Com. They

2:36

never sacrifice quality and use premium

2:38

materials. Pro athletes like

2:40

Kevin Durant and my Man Marshawn

2:43

Lynch have been may having our endorsers

2:45

of the sneakers. Marshawn Lynch beast Mode.

2:47

He came up with the beast Mode sneaker for Greats

2:49

dot Com. Go to Greats dot com for off

2:52

with the promo code wrap r a P like

2:54

rap music, r ap goes Greats

2:56

dot Com. Check out the sneakers. The comfortable,

2:59

they are affordable, they look good, you feel

3:01

good. They're definitely definitely comfortable because let

3:03

me tell you something, I got soft, delicate

3:05

feet, and if I'm telling you that the sneakers are comfortable,

3:08

trust me, They're fucking comfortable.

3:11

All right, Okay, this is the Iron Wrap

3:13

Core Podcast Live from Mexico

3:16

Edition. I am, I'm

3:18

back in my uh my hut, and

3:21

uh you know it's a it's a nice

3:23

place. I'm staying in what was called

3:25

the nicest place in Touloom.

3:28

I don't know who the fox's been doing the trip

3:30

advisory reviews, but you

3:32

know, some things were just left left

3:35

out, left out of the discussion. They're not

3:38

on the internet, they're not on Yelp,

3:40

they're not They're nowhere to be found. No one

3:42

has given that, I mean a completely honest,

3:45

uh you know, depiction

3:48

of what to expect down

3:50

here in Touloom. I've been to Mexico many

3:52

times. People are fantastic,

3:55

very uh sweet, very

3:57

nice, hard working, um

4:00

great, great service and you

4:02

know, want to make your trip good. But there's

4:04

just certain things. As I said before, there

4:07

was a incident in the

4:09

basis not an incident. Fun. If you

4:11

come down to Tuloo, Mexico, be prepared

4:13

to wipe your ass, uh

4:15

and and throw it into a

4:18

fucking bucket or a bowl or something like that or

4:20

you know, ship in the woods, ship in the ocean,

4:22

okay, because you can't flush the fucking toilet

4:24

paper down the toilet bowl

4:27

okay, and trust me, you will make the mistake of

4:29

throwing toilet paper into

4:31

the toilet bowl, and then you will, out of guilty

4:34

the flush it and clogged the whole fucking place

4:36

and flood the town. Who funk knows what happened.

4:38

They warn you and scare you, or

4:40

you'll have to stick your hand in a bull of shit and

4:43

take your toilet paper out of the

4:45

toilet. It's just disgusting. Okay,

4:47

it's disgusting, all right, that's one thing.

4:49

But you know, Uh, I don't

4:51

know. You know, I've been to Mexico in the Mexico City,

4:54

have been to uh Cancun,

4:56

have been the Cabbo St. Lucas, been

4:58

the Rosarto, of course, I've into Uh.

5:02

I've been to a town actually called Takat. I've

5:06

been to Tiajuana. And

5:09

this is like a jungle. Okay, it's like a jungle

5:11

trip. It's it's it's it's like a jungle in the

5:13

beach, you know, like the Jungle Brothers.

5:16

You know, like I'm literally out here in the jungle

5:19

um and you know, it range all the time

5:22

I'm staying in Uh. I don't

5:24

know what the funk it's like hey, or or

5:27

straw or something. It's like straw

5:29

and sticks on the top of my roof here

5:31

in my room. Um, I had

5:33

to leave the beach because it

5:35

was just too loud. I wanted to do the intro live

5:38

from the ocean. But now I'm back in the

5:40

hut, as I said, But the other night, it was a fucking

5:42

rain storm in the middle

5:44

of the night. I mean, it sounded like the world

5:46

was coming to an end. And there's

5:49

no lights, there's no nothing. Fortunately,

5:51

thank god, I brought one of my handy dandy headlights.

5:54

You know, I get them from the hardware store. Every time I go to

5:56

the hardware store, I pick up two headlights. You

5:58

know, the kinds of going you you look like a real asshole,

6:01

but you bring it down here. And now who's

6:03

the asshole? Not me? I got my headlights,

6:05

so you know. His raining woke

6:07

me up, apparently in the middle of the middle

6:09

of my sleep, and I'm

6:12

in there with with with Bay, I'm in there

6:14

with my lady, and I said, oh

6:16

shit, oh ship, the Germans are

6:18

coming. The Germans are coming. And I went back

6:20

to sleep. And in the morning she told me this, and

6:22

she said, you know, she thinks I need to get my thyroid

6:25

check because I'm so easily startled by

6:27

everything. And I said, listen, it's this is that's

6:29

just called being Jewish, alright, that that's

6:31

not don't need a fucking thyroid check, all

6:33

right, that's what happens if if you're a Jew,

6:36

you know, you you you deal with things differently.

6:39

You know, smells. I'm very sensitive to these

6:41

kinds of things, smells and that

6:45

sort of stuff. So uh, you

6:47

know, I just wanna be in a safe, cool,

6:50

dry place, all right. I'm

6:53

not out here fucking camping. I

6:55

don't think that's too much to ask for. And

6:57

they they, you know, because it's the jungle again. They

6:59

don't mention like

7:01

when you're buying your ticket to come to Touloom,

7:04

Like when you're punching in, Oh, I want to fly on the and

7:07

I want to leave in the morning, it should say,

7:09

by the way, did you know that you can't flush

7:12

toilet paper down the toilet bowl?

7:14

And by the way, did you know that? Um?

7:17

Because of that, when you're driving

7:19

your bike on your your nice you know beach,

7:21

you know a path you know, you know, just

7:23

strolling along on your bike, like every

7:26

three hundred to five hundred yards,

7:28

it's gonna be like a swamp shit smell.

7:31

Like these are the things that you say when you're buying your

7:33

tickets, so you know exactly what you're getting into,

7:35

because there is a smell down

7:38

here in the jungle every

7:41

time of it's like every five hundred yards, you'll

7:43

you'll pass like a thing and it'll just it'll it'll

7:45

start and stop, but it's it's contained.

7:47

But you'll literally like it's like it's

7:50

like the a mix between ship and like

7:53

like safari animals, dead

7:56

Safari animals, like what I imagine like a

7:58

bore, a ring bore in

8:01

a pond of shit smells

8:04

like that's what it sells like, and it goes away.

8:06

I'm saying, they contain it, and and and I'm not disrespecting

8:09

the people or the culture anything. I'm just saying

8:11

you should just know what you're getting yourself into.

8:13

So you could bring like some sort of like mask. When

8:15

I'm on my bike and it's degree I'm sweating

8:18

like a pig, I should be able to

8:20

know exactly what I'm getting into. Because no one

8:22

mentions these things. And I've talked about

8:24

five or six quote unquote friends who told me to loom

8:26

this, to loom that Mexico, the jungles,

8:29

this, the caves and the the iguanas, and

8:31

you know it's beautiful. No one mentions the fact

8:34

that that that there's that smell and that in my room,

8:36

in my beautiful hotel room. Well

8:38

my it's not really the hotels like a hut uh

8:42

that there would be. Um, there's a like

8:44

like it's just everything is fucking damp,

8:47

every single thing. And I walked into the room

8:49

and the guy's like showing us around, this is the bathroom, and

8:52

and I'm like, as far as soon as I walked in the room, I

8:54

was like, ah, because it was

8:56

like that damp swamps. I mean, they don't

8:58

even take the time to like

9:00

air the fucking room out, or turn the air conditioning

9:02

on or a fan on or do something sage

9:05

in a place. Because literally as soon as I walked

9:07

in, I was like and my man was so sweet and

9:09

carrying my bags and I'm like, and it's

9:11

like, I can't. It was like a dense, humid,

9:16

pungent smell that

9:18

that I that I was dealing with, So

9:21

uh, you know, I don't know, and I've

9:23

developed something I'm in a trade market. It's

9:25

called a humidity headache because

9:27

when I'm in the fucking room, might I might have

9:29

a headache like it's like in my

9:32

in my right eye and in the in the left

9:34

part of my neck and it just won't go away. And it only

9:36

is when I'm in my room. And it has something to do

9:39

with this the smell and the

9:41

fan and the air conditioning. Uh

9:44

that that I'm dealing with it, so you know. But as soon

9:46

as I landed, you know, I had a driver. He

9:49

introduced himself as Pablo Max. And

9:51

I was like, what's your what's your name? He said, Pablo Max.

9:54

You know, he's Spanish. I was, I never heard

9:56

a name like that, Pablo Mix. And he told

9:58

me it's usually two hour us from Cancun

10:01

to where I flew into Cancun to

10:03

Touloum and uh

10:06

and I said, ship, well that's a long time. He said, I

10:08

could get you there quicker, you know, And I

10:10

said, well how do you do that? He said, well, you know, it depends on

10:12

who the driver is. And I said, well, you know, I want I want

10:14

to get there as fast as I can, uh, Pablo,

10:17

and and this fucking this fucking wild

10:19

cowboy got us to the place in

10:21

an hour and twenty five minutes. This

10:23

road crazy cowboy, motherfucker was

10:26

flying down the streets and nobody they don't give

10:28

a funk how you drive down here. Nobody

10:30

gives two ships how you drive

10:32

down here. So Pablo Max,

10:34

He's gonna drive us back to

10:36

the airport. But I'm gonna, like, you know,

10:39

have a fucking like a like a racing helmet on, because

10:41

this this guy is crazy, but he gets you there.

10:43

I mean, if he worked in New York, I mean,

10:45

this guy should be like a taxi cab or an uber

10:48

guy, and this guy will be making money hand over fist.

10:50

The way the way he drove, he was he was

10:52

fearless, all right. The Iron

10:54

Reports podcast is sponsored by mac

10:56

Weldon. They are a New York company. They live

10:58

and breathe New York. I'm wearing

11:00

my mac Weldon underwear while I am on

11:03

my vacation in Mexico. Trust

11:05

me, it's keeping me cool, keeping me relaxed,

11:07

keeping me refreshed. They

11:09

separate the loaf from balls,

11:11

balls from loaf, Church and state, all

11:14

right. They believe in smart design, premium fabrics,

11:16

and simple shopping. You could shop from your

11:18

mobile phone and check out in less than a minute. They want you

11:20

to be comfortable. You don't like your first pair of

11:22

mac Weldon underwear, keep it, keep

11:25

it. They will still give you a refund. Underwear,

11:27

socks, shirts. I'm

11:30

wearing all of it. I'm wearing underwear, socks, and

11:32

shirts by mac Weldon while I'm down here

11:34

in Mexico. Perfect for the guy going on the run

11:36

or running in caves, or running from the bus,

11:39

or running to the ocean. Mac Weldon

11:41

used the promo code RAPP report r A p A

11:43

p o r T for off. So

11:47

I don't know this is it's a beautiful place

11:50

to loom. But again, you know, the

11:52

little deceptive some of the stuff I've

11:54

seen online and some of the photographs I've

11:56

seen. Because the the the the ocean

11:59

here, I'm not I'm not sure which ocean it is, the Pacific

12:01

or the Atlantic or the Caribbean.

12:04

Nobody fucking knows. That's the problem. Nobody knows nothing

12:06

about where we are. But this ocean very

12:09

warm, calm, It's got a light

12:11

wave type of things, so it's like, you know, it's

12:13

got a light wave. The floor of

12:15

the ocean is there's no rocks, no

12:17

nothing, And at

12:20

times it looks

12:22

brown, uh

12:25

and at other times it's uh

12:27

like blue. And I don't

12:29

know what the funk dicktates that. Apparently

12:31

after it rains it

12:33

gets a little bit bluer um.

12:36

But apparently because of you

12:38

know, the the al gore and the planets

12:40

aligning themselves in the I

12:43

don't know the fucking heating of the planets. What is it

12:45

called? And I'm not fact check. I'm in Mexico. I

12:47

wouldn't know this if I was at home, but I'm in Mexico.

12:49

But you know, the climate change, there's

12:52

an overwhelming amount of seaweed

12:55

that washes onto the shore Okay

12:59

CON's and lee and they have these poor bastards

13:02

out there every fucking morning with

13:04

with with with like you know, um,

13:07

what do they rakes and what's they

13:09

have the trucks, shovels

13:11

and rakes and then they wheelbarrow them the funk

13:13

off and these fucking guys are out there bright and early,

13:16

so uh. The gringoes like myself

13:18

from all over the fucking world that are here don't

13:21

see that there's tons of fucking

13:23

seaweed polluting the fucking the beach.

13:26

So fortunately they hire these guys. I'm

13:28

sure they pay them like shit to

13:30

to come in and wheelbarrow off the

13:33

mounds and mounds and mounds of seaweed. Again,

13:35

this is not something so so when you go

13:37

in the water at a certain times day, you're you're you're just getting

13:40

smacked in the face with seaweed.

13:43

Again, nobody mentions this on

13:45

trip Advisory or any of these bullshit on

13:47

if you you you Twitter, you

13:49

know about Tolou. No one mentions

13:51

this. Nobody mentions that. And then

13:54

here's the thing about about Mexico in

13:56

general. As I said, I've been, I've been a

13:58

handful of place. I haven't been all her The

14:00

one thing that Mexicans

14:03

do well with food consistently

14:05

is street food. What do I mean by street food? I

14:07

mean tacos, burritos,

14:10

Uh, you know, que sadas, you

14:12

know the basics. Another

14:15

thing, when I was in Mexico City, there

14:17

were some high end restaurants that

14:19

were fucking good, but it was like the fifth Avenue

14:21

of Mexico City, Okay,

14:24

and they had like the Molay sauce and the molay

14:27

this they put fucking molay in everything. The Molay

14:29

sauce. It's like a I

14:31

don't look it up, I don't fact check. I don't know what the funk

14:33

it is. It's kind of got a chocolate flavor, but it's

14:35

not chocolate. It's really good. It's traditional

14:38

Mexican. So so what I'm saying

14:40

is is that everything

14:42

in between that I have eaten, everything

14:45

in between that I have eaten, has been shit.

14:49

Okay, it tastes weird, it

14:51

taste bizarre. I had a fucking lobster. I

14:53

saw a guy eating a lobster the other day and I was

14:55

like, oh, I want one of those. And I'm telling you, it

14:58

tasted like I was at a fucking like I pulled that

15:00

out of a Ralph's or a Da Gastinos or or

15:02

a supermarket out of the frozen section,

15:04

put some seasoning and some butter on it, and

15:07

this fucking lobster it

15:09

tasted like that, Okay, like a frozen

15:11

lobster. So so

15:14

this lobster, I mean, I'll eat

15:16

anything. My standards are low as far as food.

15:18

I've talked to you about how I was raised, uh

15:21

predominantly in in in the house with my father

15:24

and and and the kind of things that I'm

15:26

used to eating, so my standards are low. So I ate the whole

15:28

fucking lobster I was, and I don't

15:30

think it was actually frozen, but it has that kind

15:32

of frozen fucking I

15:34

don't know, feeling to it. It's not like if

15:36

you went to like, you know, a five star restaurant

15:39

and anywhere anywhere else

15:41

except for here in Mexico. Again, it's

15:44

no disrespect, it's just there's just a certain thing.

15:46

I mean, I got into a fucking a tug of war

15:49

with my steak the other night. I had an Argentinian

15:52

steak medium rare, and it was like, I got

15:54

a fucking fight with this fucking thing. I'm like literally

15:57

like in an aggressive tussle

16:00

with the state that I'm eating. Okay,

16:02

So it's just part of the culture in here.

16:04

Like you know, I was through with the lobster had like

16:06

spokes at the end and like little spikes, and

16:09

you know, I'm trying to chew the tentacles because

16:11

that's what you do. We need a lobster. And trust me,

16:13

just because it's Mexico and it's Toulouma,

16:15

I'm in the Gulf of Mexico. Uh,

16:18

don't think they don't charge you. They fucking

16:20

charge you. They stick it to you, especially

16:22

me. There's there's no like. I'm like the the

16:25

the the the guy you wanna fucking

16:28

have coming to your restaurant or get in your cab.

16:30

I don't speak and no and no espano. Uh

16:34

um, I'm I'm I'm whiter than

16:36

the whitest white and and you

16:38

know, so they just know, like there's just no argument.

16:41

But I I fucking got these guys this time.

16:43

I brought small bills. I

16:45

brought fucking tens and fives and singles.

16:48

Only you fox, because I've been screwed over

16:50

so many times. You come down with twenties and fifties

16:52

and maybe a hundred, and they're like me, no change

16:54

me, no fuck you as sold me no change.

16:57

And then they've given you. How much is the you know, the

17:00

the the the the what is the what's the

17:02

money? The Spanish money? Pasos

17:04

they they the pasos and they they they'll

17:06

screw you on that again. I'm having a

17:09

great time. I'm having a great time. But I'm

17:11

just telling you, I came down here prepared. But the

17:13

food in the restaurants are like, it's great, it's

17:15

fabulous. I've read like on Twitter, you gotta

17:17

go to so and so. It's excellent. You

17:20

gotta go to so and so. It's great.

17:22

They call to Loom the

17:25

hipsters paradise. You hear these birds? Listen,

17:29

you're that ship. Yeah,

17:31

that's real birds. Those are birds

17:33

outside my hut. Those are real fucking

17:35

birds. See, I'm out here in the jungle. But

17:37

they called to Loom Hipster's

17:40

paradise. Again, I didn't see that on the internet

17:43

until I got here, because if you think I would have came

17:45

down here with these tattooed

17:48

man bun having bearded

17:50

fucking hipsters that I actually haven't seen any

17:52

hipsters. But they're everybody's riding hipster bikes,

17:55

all the hotels and all the locals, everybody.

17:58

They everybody rides those hipster bike. But

18:01

again that's not a problem. That's not a problem. But it is

18:03

called the hipsters here to birds,

18:05

here to fucking birds. I don't know, I

18:08

don't know if you could hear him. Um. One

18:10

thing I really, really truly wish

18:12

I had while I was in Mexico is

18:14

my Casper Mattress Jesus,

18:18

this trip would be perfection. If I was able

18:20

to have a Casper mattress in my hut or

18:22

in my hotel while I'm in Mexico. Casper

18:24

Mattress Casper dot Com c a spr

18:27

is an award winning sleep startup that launched

18:30

and outrageously comfortable mattress sol directly

18:32

to consumers. It has a sleep design and

18:34

is delivered right to your door and a small

18:37

fucking box. It's true.

18:39

I have a Casper mattress. They're so comfortable.

18:42

I miss my Casper mattress while I'm on

18:44

vacation. Free shipping two

18:47

to five days shipping anywhere in the United States

18:49

and Canada. Casper Casper

18:51

gives you a hundred nights. Casper

18:54

is a hundred night home trial. What the

18:56

funk man put it in fucking english Man

18:59

cast. But we'll let you have the matchress for a hundred

19:02

nights. You could sleep on the mattress for a hundred

19:04

nights. If you do not like the fucking mattress, they

19:06

will pick it up. Go to Casper dot com

19:08

for fifty dollars off. Okay, the promo code

19:10

is RAPP report r A P A P O R

19:12

T. Don't forget the T alright, I'm not Stephen

19:15

Colbert, Michael rappaport. No

19:17

disrespect to Stephen Colbert, but you gotta say the

19:19

T Casper dot com, c as PR

19:22

dot com. So

19:24

anyway, so I'm enjoying my trip.

19:27

I went to the caves um

19:30

They're called um Sons.

19:33

These are the caves you could go swimming, and they've been here

19:35

for years. And they tell you before

19:38

you go into the caves, you know this one you could

19:40

swim in this one you can't swimming. But before you go

19:42

into any of the water, you need

19:44

to wash off any sun block

19:47

you're wearing. And I'm like, this is like

19:49

a fucking joke, right, Like I I get

19:51

some block when I go walk my dog in

19:53

the morning. I wear some block during snowstorms,

19:55

like I always wear sun block. And

19:58

he's like, no, no, no, the water stays pure.

20:00

And this is all in broken Spanish, and

20:02

I'm like, I can't wear any fucking We're outside,

20:04

it's you know, seven degrees.

20:07

The son's blaring, please you must shower,

20:10

all right, So I'm gonna go fucking shower and gona wash

20:12

off my sun black, which I have layered on three

20:15

to four layers easily before

20:18

I get into Sonodos. And the

20:20

first Sonotos is great. It's very calm, to

20:23

be honest with you, I mean on paper,

20:26

what it looked like in in in Central

20:28

Park, there's like lakes that they haven't

20:30

preserved and they haven't told people to take

20:32

off the sun block on, and they haven't told people don't

20:34

ship in the lake, and they haven't you know, kept

20:37

nice. But it kind of looks like the lakes Essential

20:39

Park, to be honest, what it looks

20:41

like. But then when you get close to water is crystal

20:43

clear, it's it's it's cold

20:45

but not freezing, and you could see everything

20:48

unlike the swamps now

20:50

they're swamps in Central Park that look good. They got

20:52

the ducks in there that are all fucked up, probably

20:54

cancer written and have leukemia and you

20:57

know, dyslexia and all that. Ship. But you go

20:59

in there in the in the in the Sonoto pond and then

21:01

you're swimming around and it's nice and there's rocks

21:03

and everything's very calm and you feel like

21:05

you're you feel like you're in ancient water. That's

21:07

what it is. And then there was another Sonota

21:11

that they said, uh, you

21:13

know, you can't go in the water, So we go

21:15

in this one and it's

21:18

dark as shit, and uh, my

21:22

lady says, oh, ship, there's bats, like like

21:24

as if she's saying, oh, ship, there's there's a puppy.

21:27

And I'm like, what the fuck? You know, there's the fucking

21:29

bats and like you know, like there's like there's

21:31

bats over there, and I'm like, what the funk. I've never

21:33

seen bats up close in my life ever

21:35

in my fucking life. And she's talking

21:37

about it like literally like it's like, oh, there's butterflies.

21:40

There's a butterfly cave. So I'm like, I'm

21:42

not fucking going down there. She said, well, let's go down there,

21:44

because then there was some sort of like, uh, it

21:47

looked like there was like a cross down there, and there

21:49

was like a little like what was it ancient

21:52

Mayan? It was like an ancient Mayan

21:54

altar down at the things. So but you had to go into

21:57

the cave and it's we're

21:59

the only ones in air, and you

22:01

know, you would think this is like romantic or nice

22:03

and like, oh, we're one with God and the Mayans

22:05

and the ruins and all the ship. So I'm

22:07

sitting down on the thing like trying

22:09

to mind my business and my hand

22:12

to God, my hand to the I am

22:14

Rappaport podcast. God a fucking

22:17

bad. I have on my Gilligan hat because I I

22:19

can't. I can't, you know, let the sun get

22:21

me. And I just wear it anytime I'm outside, and you

22:23

know these places like this on trips, I have my Gilligan

22:26

hat on. Okay, and and

22:28

the fucking bat my hand to God,

22:32

flips by my fucking head, flips

22:35

by my fucking heat. You could feel it flap by

22:37

my fucking hat. So of course I

22:40

go into a full panic because a bat

22:44

by my head. And she's laughing like

22:47

it's a fucking joke. I'm like, you don't want

22:49

to run because you'll fall on and

22:51

you know, you know, get

22:54

fucking did everything sharp. It's

22:56

real ship, it's a real cave. So

22:59

I I run out of the light because these bastards,

23:01

these fucking bats. I'm from New York. Okay,

23:03

if I see a rat, I get nervous. Okay,

23:06

when I see rabid dogs, homeless dogs,

23:08

I get nervous. I don't funk with these animals.

23:11

But but then a fucking bat, literally,

23:14

and I ain't talking about Christian Bale, motherfucker.

23:16

I'm talking about a real bat in

23:18

a real cave right

23:20

by my fucking head, and I felt that little fucker and

23:23

she thinks it's a fucking joke again, like it

23:25

was like a humming bird or some ship. So I

23:27

get the funk out of there. Why are you going right

23:30

Down'm fucking done. Get

23:32

me the fuck out of here.

23:34

I had enough with the fucking bats. The

23:36

fucking bats, I mean like it was scared

23:39

the ship out of me. And I'm just telling

23:41

me, you should get your thyroid check. You you you you

23:44

you uh you know you. You easily startled

23:46

your motherfucking a right, I'm easily fucking

23:48

startled. I don't know who wouldn't

23:51

be startled by that. I don't know. I'm not no cave person

23:55

out last

23:57

night about that straight up, I damn

23:59

right. I freaked out about the straight dog, and the straight dog

24:01

seemed to me nice. But I'm walking in the path. It's

24:04

like, you know, eleven o'clock, its pitch

24:06

fucking black. I have my headlight on because

24:08

I'm the only thing. Everybody was admiring

24:10

my headlight all the tours. First she was

24:12

like, oh, you look like an asshole. You have a headlight on.

24:14

And then when it got real dark. Everybody

24:17

was jocking my fucking head like just a little

24:19

headlight. I didn't even bring the big dogs in. I

24:21

didn't even bring my big fancy headlight that's extra

24:23

bright. I have another one that it has like three speeds.

24:25

It'll go bright, extra bright, and then it'll flash

24:28

like if you need to give off a signal if you're lost or

24:30

something like that. I just brought my basic, like you

24:32

know, seventeen dollar headlamp. Everybody

24:35

wanted my fucking head life because it was fucking dark.

24:38

This fucking dog, you

24:40

know, look like you know, a big dog

24:42

walking towards me in the middle of the fucking night.

24:45

I see his eyes, okay,

24:47

and trust me. I adopted a Mexican

24:49

dog once. Okay and and and he was

24:51

so sweet. When we were in Mexico. As soon as

24:54

we got to l A, that fucking guy turned

24:57

on me. He was eating metal,

25:00

terrorizing my dog Wheezy, terrorizing

25:03

the gardeners. I mean, he wasn't violent, but he just was

25:05

relentless. He didn't he smelled like fucking

25:07

tar. I would take him to the groomer and get

25:10

him bathed and wash. Please give

25:12

me the deepest you know, the cleanest

25:14

wash you could give. They would clean him, wash

25:16

him, scrub this fucking dog down, brush

25:19

his teeth everything. He'd come back. He's still

25:21

like it was like tar. It was like the dog was

25:23

the fucking devil. So when

25:25

I see a Mexican dog on the road in the middle

25:28

of the night, I'm not gonna be like, oh cool

25:30

about it. I don't care. I don't care.

25:32

I'm not gonna be cool. It's it's mono,

25:34

we mono. So she's like, what are you You're

25:36

leaving me? You're gonna fuck Emily's

25:39

man man and man man for man, every man

25:41

for himself out here. I started fucking

25:43

running, you know, and then the dogs like, Sweeten,

25:46

it is nice. But I don't know that at first. You

25:49

know, I don't funk with stray animals. So I don't funk

25:51

with stray animals until I could declare that if if if

25:53

ship went down, I could win the fight. That

25:56

is. That is my rule number one

25:58

with any sort of animals. I don't sunk around.

26:01

I want to be in total control when

26:03

I'm dealing with animals. Oh

26:08

yeah, so so so yeah, right,

26:10

Well, I saw an iguana. They

26:13

move very sol but this cock sucker is about two

26:15

and a half feet long, had a

26:18

head the size of my foot, all

26:20

right, Like his head was like the size of my heel.

26:23

Poking the funk out. I'm in the cave, the

26:25

fucking things like leering out. I

26:27

don't know if these bastards can can

26:30

swim or not. How the funk am I supposed to know? I

26:32

don't know what the funk they're capable of. Apparently

26:35

the desert animals, but who the fuck knows. I'm in Mexico.

26:38

Some iguanas could probably jump into water. I don't

26:40

know. Because the night before I'll tell

26:42

you what happened. We're on the beach.

26:44

All right, you could go out onto the beach. No

26:47

one's out there. It's very beautiful. It's like literally

26:49

like under the moonlight, Like

26:51

the moonlight will light you. So we're walking

26:54

around the beach and it's nice

26:56

and we're holding hands and it's real romantic and

26:58

all that ship right, And I say, you know what, you

27:00

know, I never had sex on the beach, you

27:02

know, and and and and and uh, you

27:05

know, she's so nice story so so like you

27:07

know, maybe you know, maybe we do a little something something out

27:09

here. I don't have a talent on a blanket or anything,

27:11

which is rule number one. Okay,

27:13

sex on the beach, you know, it's like it's like a cliche.

27:16

You want to have sex on the beach, you know, around on the

27:18

beach. So I I'm like, I'm excited

27:20

because we're out here, you know, the beach and the moonlight,

27:22

and everything's nice, beautiful night. It's not too

27:25

hot, it's not too cold. Everything's perfect. No mosquitoes,

27:27

no nothing. I take all my clothes off,

27:30

right, so I do a little dance on the beach. That's

27:32

that's how. By the way, the name

27:34

uh el gringo man dingo.

27:37

That's what the local started calling me. All right,

27:39

I'll get into you know what they saw and what they

27:41

didn't see. But they saw me dancing around, and next

27:43

day I'm walking around, everybody's going el

27:45

gringo man dingo. You know. That's how

27:47

it happened. That's how the name was given to me down

27:49

here. I don't remember the gentleman's name

27:52

or or the woman's name, but that's what they started calling

27:54

me. Okay, that's that's that's a real

27:56

story. That's a fact. It's a fucking fact. After

27:59

they saw me running around on the beach. From a distance.

28:01

They saw me running but in the moonlight. I must have looked

28:03

fantastic because they called me the next day, and

28:06

you know, I was. I was proud of that. They say, you know, there's

28:09

that all there, and they were I overheard

28:11

him. They didn't even say it to me. I heard him say under

28:13

their breath uh in Spanish,

28:15

but it was like, there's all uh el gringo

28:18

man dingo. So anyway, so I'm dancing

28:20

around on the beach. I'm like, you know, running around. Everybody's

28:22

happy when maybe, you know, maybe

28:24

we do a little you know, first base, second base, third

28:26

base here. So I'm sitting down on the beach so

28:29

you know, you know, kissing, you know, it's like happy days.

28:31

You know. Found my thrill on Boulevoro Hill, you

28:34

know. And as soon as I sit down, butt

28:36

ass snaked on the beach. I I

28:38

realized I got sand right

28:40

up my ass, right up my asshole.

28:43

And I'm not talking about like on mask. I It's right

28:45

up my asshole, all over my

28:47

balls. I mean, this is like fine sand. So

28:49

it's like once it, once it gets on you,

28:52

it ain't coming off. So I'm like, well, let me wipe

28:54

it off. And I say, you know, we're trying to I don't like to

28:56

get too graphic about these things, but but

28:58

let me just say that was everybody had sand everywhere.

29:01

Nothing, nothing was working out.

29:04

Okay, I had sand all in my dick

29:06

and and and and my hair and my ears.

29:09

So I'm like, you know what I want to do this

29:11

shine the headlight on me while

29:14

I go in the ocean and wash off. Okay,

29:17

baby, I'll do that. You know. So it's a shot because I don't

29:19

want to go in there. You know, it's fucking black. But the

29:21

ocean is really cool because you could go literally twenty

29:23

feet out and you could stand. The water will be

29:25

at your chest. So I get out there, and you

29:27

know, and I'm seeing signs and you know, and

29:29

I you know, you feel like mystic and you know, I had

29:31

my Grandma Evelyn, and you

29:34

know, and I'm I'm laying on my back and it's

29:36

pitch black in the ocean. But but but but

29:38

Bay is shining the headlight on me so

29:40

you could keep eyes on me. And and

29:43

I'm laying back and like, you know, I'm floating because

29:45

you could float it's very salty, and and

29:47

I'm and I'm kind of like getting one with where I am.

29:49

And I'm relaxing. The sand is coming out

29:51

of all my orifices. It's it's, it's it's leaving.

29:53

And I'm feeling, okay, I'm

29:55

relaxing. I'm relaxing, and I'm

29:57

looking up at the stars and I'm like, oh, this is at

30:00

you, Grandma Evelyn, because I thought Grandma

30:02

Evelyn was an iguana earlier

30:05

that day. I don't know, I thought maybe my grandma,

30:07

because you know, some people like, you know, my oh,

30:09

my grandma's a hummingbird,

30:11

or and every time I see a hummingbird, that's that's

30:13

my mom. Or oh, that's my own coin. You

30:16

know, some people are like, oh, I see it butterflies,

30:18

and that's that's my dad and he passed away,

30:20

and I always see butterflies, and I know that's a sign. I

30:22

well, why doesn't my grandma fucking

30:24

give me a sign? So I'm feeling, you know, I'm laying up

30:27

there and I see a star and a star kind of moves and I'm

30:29

just thinking to myself, Oh, that could be that could be grandmavelin

30:32

up there, and I'm like floating and you know, everything's

30:34

peaceful. I'm I'm alone and I'm seeing you know

30:36

things, and then I feel something grays

30:39

the side of me. Okay, a

30:41

fucking fish or some sort

30:43

of fucking animal. I don't know what the funk it

30:45

was. It wasn't seaweed. Grays

30:48

is the fucking side of me jumps

30:50

out of the fucking water. I

30:54

it's like jaws. I I was, I

30:56

was under attack and and and and

30:58

I was I lead. So I'm running

31:01

out of the word. It's a fucking shark. It's

31:03

a fucking shark. I'm literally literally,

31:08

I'm not I'm not gonna I'm gonna share with you because you used to

31:10

the Iron Rapper. I'm kissing myself because

31:12

I'm feeling like I'm in the fucking ocean. I

31:14

think I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm gonna get

31:16

bit by something or a sting ray, because earlier in the day,

31:19

this old prick from Minnesota was

31:21

working around with a sting ray. I'm running

31:23

out and I'm I literally I'm pissing as

31:25

I'm getting and everybody thinks it's a fucking

31:27

joke, and I'm but ass naked. And

31:30

then then I get out and it probably was sucking nothing.

31:32

But I'm just sharing with you. It's

31:34

not all bells and whistles. Okay,

31:36

people, it's not all bells and whistles. You've gotta be careful,

31:39

you gotta you can't funk with these animals. You

31:41

when you're going at ocean anything, all bets

31:44

are off. Uh

31:46

and and you go into the fucking jungle. Don't

31:49

funk around, don't work around

31:51

like I. I don't sunk around. I don't want to be

31:53

one of those Internet people. And I don't want

31:55

to be like a story on page six where

31:57

you, oh, Michael Rapport was sucking around

32:00

with a monkey and the jungles of Mexico

32:02

and he got his fucking finger bit

32:04

off. And that's not going to be me. So

32:07

I take precautions every single

32:09

place I go when I'm on vacation.

32:12

I'm not one of these adventurous guys. Hopefully

32:15

you won't hear about me falling off a cliff skydiving.

32:18

I don't do any of that. Ship It's not for

32:20

me. That's

32:23

it. That was pretty adventurous. That

32:27

was adventurous. That was adventurous going

32:29

out in the ocean to night. Okay, and and uh,

32:31

I don't know. Maybe maybe the fish was

32:33

Grandma Evelyn. Maybe that was the Maybe

32:36

that was great. Maybe the stars were in Grandma Evelyn.

32:38

Maybe that fished skimming against me and jumping out

32:40

of the water. Where's my Grandma? But I feel

32:42

like my grandmother, my Jewish grandmother, would

32:44

would go out of a way not to scare the ship out

32:47

of me and literally make me piss myself,

32:49

because I swear to goodness, you know, there's

32:51

been a lot of shark shark attacks in

32:53

North Carolina, and I know, yeah,

32:55

I'm far away from North Carolina. I'm on the Gulf

32:57

of Mexico, Mexico. You never fucking know. And

33:00

of course I love my fantasy football

33:02

and draft Kings dot Com,

33:06

my season long fantasy lant up base lock and

33:08

ready everybody knows that I am heavily involved

33:11

with the Howard Stern Show Fantasy

33:13

Football League. I love it, I live

33:15

it, I breathe it. But this season I

33:18

am playing one day fantasy

33:20

games fantasy football. All

33:22

right, you don't have to wait till week sixteen to get

33:24

paid. I won some cash last week, that's

33:26

true, that's real. Put your fantasy

33:29

skills to the test. Starting Sunday at DraftKings

33:31

dot Com, the biggest fantasy football

33:34

contest ever, ten million dollars

33:36

and prizes are up for grabs. That's

33:38

real, ship ten million dollars.

33:41

It's not fake when they show those commercial and DraftKings

33:43

dot Com it's reality. Okay. One

33:45

week fantasy means no season long commitments.

33:48

It's fantasy football on demand. I'm addicted

33:50

to it. Okay. I am addicted to a play

33:52

where you want, when you want, with the players you

33:54

want. Go to draft Kings dot com and to

33:56

Wrap Report r A p A p O r

33:59

T for free entry. Right now, I'm

34:01

telling you DraftKings dot Com fantasy

34:03

football one day, no commitments.

34:05

It's so much fucking fun. It changed the way you look

34:07

at football. It's exciting. I love

34:09

it. That's real talk, all

34:11

right. While I'm in Mexico. While

34:14

I've been in Mexico, trust

34:16

me, I've been up to speed on

34:19

my fantasy football alright.

34:21

And this weekend the Stern Show Fantasy

34:23

Football League. I beat the snot. I

34:27

beat the living snot at

34:29

a poor Lisayan. It wasn't even

34:31

a contest. I beat her ass. It

34:33

was a fucking bloodbath. Rappaport's

34:36

delight. A K there will be blood. Trust

34:38

me, there was blood. It was a no contest.

34:40

It was over by midday. I didn't even have to watch the

34:42

second games. I enjoyed Monday

34:45

night football. I didn't stress. I

34:47

had guys playing, but the job

34:50

was already done, okay, and uh

34:53

I I kept up to speed on my phone.

34:55

I was traveling down to Mexico during

34:58

the game. And Monday night I went into uh

35:00

al Barrio, into a bar, and

35:02

I watched the game and I enjoyed it. I I

35:05

it was an open, open air bar. I had

35:07

to put on a lot of bug spray, um,

35:09

but I was still able to enjoy the game nonetheless.

35:12

Um. And last night I went

35:14

back to Al Barrio and went to the bar

35:17

and watched my giants and play

35:19

against the Redskins. And and and

35:21

and and that's where things got a little. Uh got

35:24

a little away from me. And um my

35:26

lady is now demanded

35:30

that she will no longer be on vacation with

35:32

me during any

35:34

more fantasy football games. And we were supposed

35:36

to leave Sunday, which would leave me freaking

35:39

the funk out uh and

35:41

and and and and grabbing uh you

35:43

know, my phone and internet and

35:46

calling people to find out the scores of

35:48

my fantasy football. But this,

35:50

this is what's happened. We've decided, Well, she

35:53

made me change the fucking trip. She

35:55

made me change the fucking trip. So we're actually

35:57

flying out a day and a half

35:59

early because she refused to be around

36:01

me during fantasy football in Mexico,

36:04

which, if if you want to know

36:07

the truth, I'm fucking happy about. I'm fucking happy

36:09

to get the funk out of here and I'm happy to be in front

36:11

of my fucking TV to watch me kick

36:13

the shit. This week, I played

36:15

j D j D Harmeyer from

36:18

The Howard Stern Show. You know, j D

36:20

is a stuttering, mumbling, fucking prick,

36:23

and I'm gonna put his hair in a fucking man bun

36:26

this week. Okay, I'm gonna put that fucking

36:28

pony till he's got this rat nous of a hair

36:30

due. I'm gonna put that fucking that that rat's

36:32

nest into a man bun, and I'm gonna

36:35

grab that fucking man bun and I'm gonna hold

36:37

it tight all fucking weekend

36:40

Sunday. I'm gonna have that fucking man Bunn and I'm

36:42

gonna be controlling him. He's gonna be a rob.

36:44

Are you cocksuck? Are you you

36:46

fuck you? This is Rappaport's

36:49

delight a k. There will be

36:51

blood a k A a history of

36:53

violence, and he's gonna go down. He's

36:56

got a fucking team. He's got that fucking Gronkowski

36:59

with that cheating time Brady throwing him the ball,

37:01

and he's got a tough team, I'll admit it. But

37:03

Rappaport's delight is up up for task, and

37:06

uh, we're gonna kick kick the ship out of him.

37:08

I'm planning on kicking the ship out of him. But we're leaving

37:10

this fucking place so I could get back in front

37:12

of my fucking TVs for Sunday

37:15

morning. And uh, like I said,

37:17

I don't want to, I don't want her to hear me. But but I'm fucking

37:19

I'm fucking glad because watching the games

37:21

on my phone and and the bars

37:24

and all that ship it doesn't work out because

37:26

they got the commercials in the between the

37:28

game. They're they're in Mexican, and then they

37:30

don't they it's broadcast in Mexican.

37:32

It's all funked up. I mean, I love them, they're

37:34

great people. But I when I want to watch my football,

37:37

I want to hear Chris Kownsworth and and Phil

37:39

Sims and those guys you know broadcast

37:41

the game, you know, Marv Albert,

37:43

Ryan Ruco and those guys. I want to be listening

37:45

to it, you know. And then you know, in good old fashioned

37:48

American. And I'm sorry

37:50

to interrupt, Mexican.

37:52

It's Spanish whatever, Mexican, Spanish,

37:55

the same fucking thing. It's all the same thing. They

37:58

don't speak Mexican, they

38:00

speak Mexican Spanish, so

38:03

they speak Mexican. Anyway. This is

38:05

the Iron Rapport Podcast. The trip has been fantastic.

38:08

I'm having a fucking ball and and that's

38:10

it, all right. We'll be back next week with me

38:12

and my man Jimo Nattie. There's so much that

38:14

we're going to go over, so

38:18

many things I had to hold myself from

38:20

discussing. I don't even know where

38:23

to start. I mean, the the All Loafs Matter

38:25

campaign that we've started is

38:27

real. Just just to give you,

38:29

uh, you know, some some guy, this is

38:31

real. Ship. I'll just give you one thing that we're gonna be discussing

38:34

some guy's lady was

38:36

mad at him, so she put

38:38

haba naro, you know, the hot peppers

38:41

on my man's loaf. How

38:44

could you do that to a man? I don't

38:46

care what he did. I don't understand why you have to

38:48

like try to deform and mutilate

38:51

and humiliate my my people's loafs.

38:53

All Loafs Matter, The All

38:56

Loaves Matter campaign

38:58

and the Loaf Walk will be happening

39:01

in two thousand and sixteen, celebrating

39:03

men and their loafs. C I

39:06

Wrappo Podcast and We're out. While

39:08

I'm on vacation, I always wear my American

39:11

Giant clothing. Trust me. When I'm down in Mexico

39:13

and it cools off at night, I'll put on

39:15

my American Giant hoodie. Go to American hyphen

39:18

Giant dot com. American hyphen Giant

39:20

dot com. All right, check out the sweatpants,

39:22

the T shirts, the heavyweight hoodies,

39:24

the softweight hoodies. American Giant Champion.

39:27

Cannot funk with this ship, yo,