Fear of Starting Again

Part 1 of “Building Your Dating Resilience” 

Resilience is one of your most important dating tools. But, how can you increase dating resilience? Having the ability to bounce back from difficult situations can make the difference in whether you give up or stay in for the long haul. 


This is the first in a series of four, discussing Fear of Getting Started Again. I don’t need to tell you that dating brings its own slew of difficult situations. I will offer some simple but powerful strategies that can help you get back up, often before you’ve even gotten knocked down.

How do you plan your Resilience? Dating and attraction can bring many opportunities for emotion, pain and rejection. Knowing what pitfalls lie ahead can help you prepare for them in advance.

By preparing in advance, you can increase your bounce back. Having resilience won’t keep you from experiencing pain and disappointment, but it will help you bounce back more quickly from it. 

Resilience Breaker #1-Fear of Getting Started

If you are struggling with getting back out there, you are dealing with some degree of fear. You have negative past experiences that have made you think twice about jumping in again. Even if you think you can’t, you have the ability to bounce back from the hurt of your past  and do this. 

The Bullhorn in Your Ear

If the thought of getting back out there makes your stomach churn, I understand. There is hope, though. Some people love dating, meeting new people, and the excitement of new relationships. For those of us who dread the thought, much of the problem lies in what you are telling yourself. 

It is not whether you feel anxious about dating. Most of us do. It’s likely that part of your brain is screaming at you with a bullhorn, “You’ll never make it. You can’t do this!” The biggest hurdle for most of us is a mental one.

What’s keeping you from bouncing back and getting started again?

Fear Imagined

Anxiety provides a set of movies that get played over and again in your head. Daydreams, experiences, and concerns about the future all play into anxiety. You visualize again and again how this concern will negatively impact your life.

Anything new, from giving a speech to recreating your social life can bring on feelings of fear. The first time I went out to a social event after my divorce, I was terrified. My heart was racing, and I nearly  turned around and went home. I knew though, that I couldn’t get where I wanted to go by sitting home any longer. 

When you experience a new situation, your brain goes on high alert, pumping you up with chemicals like adrenaline. These brain chemicals have no place to go since there isn’t a real danger to flee from. The stress builds up as you sit, sweating bullets. 

When these imagined fears strike, your response is often the same “fight or flight” reaction as if there was a real danger. The feeling can leave you with sweaty palms and a racing heart. We’ve all felt it. 

The worst thing you can do is to avoid the very thing you fear. When you avoid getting back out there, you leave it at arms reach, where it will always remain uncomfortable and impossible. 

As long as you allow it to remain an “I can’t”, it remains a big deal. The more you attempt the very thing that strikes fear in you, the less it remains insurmountable. 

Today's Episode is All About Building Your Resilience from Your Past Relationships to Start the New Journey Awaiting You.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” -Dale Carnegie