0:03

No

0:03

matter what age we're at, I

0:05

think that there's things that make us really

0:07

insecure and prevent us from

0:10

having the sex that we want. And

0:12

the sooner we can kind of unpack those and

0:14

realize that what we're

0:16

worrying about, what we're stressed about is

0:18

not gonna upset our partner likely.

0:22

It's mostly our own judgments about

0:24

ourselves.

0:26

You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm

0:28

doctor Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize

0:31

your pleasure and liberate the conversation

0:33

around sex. We've all heard of

0:35

body positivity. The idea

0:37

that we should celebrate the skin we're in rather

0:40

than emphasize how we think others

0:42

see us. But really, How

0:44

is your relationship with your body? Well,

0:46

today's show is all about giving

0:48

our bodies the respect they deserve.

0:51

I first joined by Bethany c Myers, whose

0:53

fitness company, the BCom project,

0:55

aims to change the motivation behind working

0:58

out. Bethany also shares why sex

1:00

takes on a new rich depth when we

1:02

learn to connect with our movement on a

1:04

daily basis. I'll also answer questions

1:06

about your struggles with body image because

1:08

listen, if we can't learn to love our own,

1:10

how can we generally share them intimately

1:13

with others? Intensions with Emily

1:15

for each episode, I wanna start off by setting

1:17

in attention for the show, and I encourage you to

1:19

do the same. My intention is to

1:21

have you start new respectful relationship

1:23

with your body. Because sex

1:26

only feels better when we get into

1:28

our body regularly and

1:30

lovingly. Please rate and review

1:33

sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show,

1:35

my new article, For Sex Toy

1:37

So Preeti, They Double Is Art, is up at

1:39

sex with Emily dot com. Check my

1:41

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1:44

It's all at sex with Emily for more

1:46

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1:48

you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions

1:50

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1:53

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1:55

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1:57

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1:59

Always

2:02

include your name, your age, where you live,

2:04

and how you listen to the show, and it's

2:06

Tollic Cool to change your name or choose to remain

2:09

anonymous. Art

2:09

everyone enjoyed this episode.

2:23

Before

2:23

we get started, I just want to remind you

2:26

all that this is the best of episode that

2:28

may include outdated language, like references

2:30

to gender. I started using the terms

2:32

penis owner and vulva owner in twenty twenty

2:34

in order to become more inclusive of all gender

2:37

identities and expressions. We're always

2:39

learning growing here at sex with Emily and

2:41

can only do so with your continued feedback.

2:43

Bethany c Myers is the founder and

2:46

CEO of the BECOME Project. Myers

2:48

approaches fitness through a body neutral

2:50

lens. The idea of shifting from self

2:52

criticism to a middle ground of body

2:55

acceptance. Beyond the Come project,

2:57

Myers is a prominent voice and advocate in

2:59

the LGBTQ plus community.

3:01

With particular ambition to amplify

3:03

issues facing non binary and transgender

3:05

communities. Learn more at the become

3:07

project dot com and follow Bethany on

3:09

gram at Bethany c Meyers and the become

3:12

project at the become project. I'm

3:14

really excited to welcome my guest right now.

3:16

I have

3:17

Befanie, c Meyers. Hello.

3:20

Hello, Bethanie. Hi, Emily. So

3:23

glad Bethanie is grabbing a great chat. Bethane's

3:25

New York City based master instructor.

3:28

Know for body positive and inclusive approach

3:30

to instruction. You know a lot about

3:33

body knowledge, a line I meant I

3:35

was watching all your tutorials. It's

3:38

not about just losing weight and

3:40

feeling skinny. And you also have your

3:42

project the they can find the

3:44

become project. Mhmm. So the become

3:46

project is where they can find the app.

3:48

Tell me about it. Tell me how you started it. Totally.

3:51

And all your your journey.

3:53

Yeah. And the become project so it's

3:56

basically, I was

3:56

an instructor for years and years

3:59

and years. It sounded

3:59

like a really old ten years, so I was teaching

4:02

in boutique fitness and decided

4:04

that I wanted to take my workouts online

4:06

to be able to reach more people. And

4:08

then I think the bigger thing that happened in the become

4:10

project is that I realized how

4:14

how kind of toxic the fitness

4:17

worlds can be in the way that we think

4:19

about our bodies. So I think that they really

4:21

try to sell us on the workout by

4:23

saying your body is not good as it currently

4:25

is. And so I

4:27

wanted to create a place where

4:29

people could work out for the reason that's not

4:31

necessarily just about weight loss. Even if your

4:33

goal is weight loss, Exactly. I think the motive

4:36

is to go in and say, I wanna move. To feel good, I

4:38

wanna move for my mental health. I wanna, like,

4:40

have some me time. I wanna move

4:42

my body, you know? It's really is

4:44

switching to this is what I love and I watched your TED

4:46

talk, which I thought was great. It was so

4:48

powerful and so moving in your

4:50

journey about being in the industry and being

4:52

someone who had an eating disorder,

4:54

then realizing, like, it's all about this external

4:57

need to, like, to lose weight. Then you had

4:59

your whole drinker realizing is about, you know,

5:01

loving your body. And I actually wanna know what

5:03

your process was for healing. What love that

5:05

you said so motivating me is that we know that it's right

5:07

for us to work out, but it's so hard to motivate

5:09

because we use this negative. We beat ourselves

5:11

up. We guilt ourselves in it. We feel shame if we

5:13

don't. I gotta work out gotta lose weight. I gotta look

5:15

better. We hate our bodies. We look in the mirror.

5:17

We hate everything. And I'm always telling you, like, look in

5:19

the mirror. Like, look at what you love by yourself.

5:21

It's so high hard to do, and there's so much pressure

5:23

-- Right. -- for women informat, we all haven't.

5:25

So it's like, I love that your

5:27

project, the become project, which so

5:29

cool. I love, like, just the whole process.

5:31

So congratulations because it's not easy putting

5:33

that shit together. Thank you. I've

5:35

been grass hurts his fuck. Right. It's

5:37

been really yeah. It's been a process

5:40

getting here, but it but amazing. It's

5:42

amazing. Right. Of course. The journey.

5:44

Wait was never my thing. I've got a lot. I'm, like,

5:46

oh, you're lucky. I'm, like, I've got so many other issues.

5:49

Like, because I'm not so lucky. Like, if you're,

5:51

like,

5:51

oh, you're skinny. Like, do you how much

5:53

times do you have? That's what I knew what

5:55

goes on in my goddamn brain every day. I barely

5:57

made it here today. Okay? Because

5:59

I realized when it's running first when I was,

6:02

like, in my twenties, it just itchy. I felt

6:04

better. I got the endorphan rash. I felt like an accomplishment,

6:06

and then I started rock climbing and I

6:08

never felt that was good at sports. And so it was all these

6:10

things for me. And for me now, like, I've gotten to the

6:12

point after all these years, like, if I don't do it

6:14

for a few days, I need it. I've go really good.

6:16

Like, I love it. It's healthy. It clears my mind.

6:18

It cups with depression. By

6:20

twenty five, I did love. I didn't love it until I was

6:22

about twenty three. But

6:24

how what would you say? Because I think your

6:26

approach Bethany c minor is kinda like

6:28

getting people to to kinda

6:30

learn to just hook up with it in a way that is

6:33

not judgey, not blamey, shamey.

6:35

Yeah. Well, it's interesting

6:37

because a lot of the client tell. I mean, I have two

6:39

different types clientele. One is like a super athletic

6:41

person who loves working

6:43

out and they like the routines and the

6:45

the the movements very unique. It's almost

6:47

like a dance class without dancing at all.

6:49

And then I have people who are like, I

6:51

hate the gym, never wanna work out a day in

6:53

my life, like, no. Thank you. And

6:55

I think the reason why people

6:57

get attached to that is mostly just

6:59

because of the language that's that

7:02

I used in teaching. So,

7:04

you know, oftentimes, look, if I

7:06

wasn't in fitness, I probably wouldn't

7:08

be a workout person. To be completely honest,

7:10

like, it's not I would never go

7:12

to a gym on my own and get on the treadmill. Like, I don't

7:14

even know how to do that. I have to take a class

7:16

or have somebody guiding me. Right?

7:18

I think that a lot of times, like, I would go into

7:20

a fitness clinic. Go

7:22

lower, go deeper, push

7:24

harder, like Yeah. Come on.

7:26

What what are you resting

7:28

sort like, this, like, very, like, bashing

7:30

almost a little bit scary. Mhmm. And

7:33

I really like to teach from a place it's

7:35

still tough. It's still, like, get in there

7:37

and do it. Mhmm. But it's like,

7:39

okay. Where do you feel the best? What would

7:41

happen if you didn't come down? Instead of

7:43

dropping what would happen if you go to your knees,

7:45

like, it's sort of this different approach

7:47

to bring people in where I feel like a

7:49

lot of people have found

7:51

a safe space within

7:53

where like they can

7:55

let their, like, their body is allowed to have

7:57

flaws. They're allowed to mess up. It's

7:59

okay if you have fat rolls on your

8:01

stomach. Right? Like, it's not all about

8:03

getting a freaking bikini body. Like,

8:05

there's other things that we're talking

8:08

about and thinking about. One of the main

8:10

things we're thinking about is how do you feel?

8:12

Yeah. So My favorite part of the app

8:14

is before and after each workout in order

8:16

to unlock and lock the routine, you

8:18

have to answer the question. How do you

8:20

feel? And I

8:22

think that that really starts to

8:25

let people recognize, am I starting this

8:27

workout feeling unmotivated? And then

8:29

finished feeling really energized. Yeah.

8:31

And so if you can take the attention to

8:33

how you feel after, maybe

8:35

that becomes more motivating what's

8:39

not motivating to work out

8:41

is you suck you ate too much food this

8:43

weekend. Now you have to go to the gym. Like,

8:45

that's miserable. Right. Exactly. Why we don't stick with

8:47

workout? Exactly. We use it as a punishing. And if

8:49

you could really learn to be in the moment and be

8:51

thinking about how does your body feel? I love that you have

8:53

that check-in. And the beginning of all your

8:55

videos. I think what I love also about your

8:57

workout videos, first of all, do them at home. You could do them

8:59

anywhere. And I love it because I

9:01

do down the kind of practice that you're doing.

9:03

It's more like pley's

9:05

yoga base. It seems like some of it just are the

9:07

positioning and you give modifications because I

9:09

have a bad back. And I feel like I have her myself

9:11

in classes when they're not like, afterwards, I

9:13

had to do with an instructor recently. And she said to

9:15

me, why don't you tell me to bed back? I'm like, there's twenty

9:17

people in here and wasn't gonna go up there and tell

9:19

you, but she said, well, don't you know the

9:21

modifications yet? I'm like, no, I don't. That's a

9:23

fairly new injury. I was working. It just

9:25

pissed me off. Yeah. I then just can't

9:27

go around, but you're doing that in the

9:30

delivery and making people feel good.

9:32

Totally. So I've actually started not

9:34

even calling the modifications. I call

9:36

them alternatives. Mhmm. Because what I

9:38

realized is, you know,

9:40

a side plank. Like, if

9:42

you don't have a good or you don't have a good

9:44

neck, there's a good chance that you always need

9:46

to be on your knees in a side plank

9:48

no matter how strong you are. And

9:50

I I kind of like over this idea where it's

9:52

like this is the harder version and this is the

9:54

easier version. It's just two different versions.

9:56

What feels best on your

9:58

body And when you're doing things that

10:00

feel good on your body

10:02

rate, then you're working it in the right

10:04

way, then it's a different relationship and

10:06

it's not like every time I do this workout, my

10:08

back is killing me. Exactly.

10:10

So I think that I would I like the

10:12

idea of finding power

10:14

and figuring out what our body needs,

10:16

essentially body autonomy. Right? Exactly

10:18

what do I need at this time.

10:20

So then a big part of my job is

10:22

to make sure that people know all the different

10:24

ways that can do something. And you do it seamlessly. It

10:26

seems like it's effortless in that way. So it's

10:28

it's really is your gift. I really like

10:30

telling people what to do.

10:31

She's, like, telling people

10:33

what to do in the bedroom. Sometimes.

10:37

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're more, like,

10:39

dominant, suppressive, dominant. It

10:41

definitely depends on who I'm with.

10:42

Right. So you're with let's talk about your if

10:44

you let's talk about you. Okay. For a second. Let's

10:47

talk about your so

10:49

you're with men,

10:51

women, women, mostly.

10:53

Women,

10:53

how many? Because I wear them most. Right.

10:56

Okay. Did you you've met my

10:58

spouse -- Mhmm. -- who

11:00

is born male identifies as

11:02

non binary, uses they than pronouns

11:04

as do I? You use they than pronouns too. We

11:06

could talk about that. They did. I was afraid mean, I've done this,

11:08

but I feel like I don't wanna mess it there. It's

11:10

okay. Okay. It's still that I can't practicing

11:12

a language. It is an important

11:14

language. I know. I don't think that you would.

11:16

No. Because I because I had remember

11:18

times when that was, like, really hard for me when I

11:20

started, you know, having friends who

11:22

use them and I had to, like, I had to really

11:24

practice. You have to practice. It's just my philosophy. Learning

11:26

a language or It's a way

11:28

of speaking. And so I

11:30

think oftentimes people are very intimidated by

11:33

the words because they don't wanna offend

11:35

someone. But I try to look at it from

11:37

a place of, like, it's just learning how to talk, and

11:39

this is just a more inclusive way to speak

11:41

exactly. Okay?

11:42

Yeah. So they right. So would

11:44

you correct some so how would we explain

11:46

that exactly. So I wouldn't say she so Bethany,

11:48

like her boy, they, I would say. Yeah.

11:50

Thays Bethany is here today. We're

11:52

really excited to talk to them. To talk

11:54

to them. Bethany is here today to look great.

11:57

You do look great. And

11:59

you sound

11:59

great, and you're in an open marriage.

12:02

So an open manner. Talk about that because

12:04

people are often confused

12:06

by that. They they're intrigued. They're not sure how it

12:08

works. How do you get past it? And you've had a of experience.

12:11

So How does that work for

12:13

you? You know, it's

12:15

a topic I talk about often and

12:17

honestly it's something I'm still

12:19

figuring out as far as how

12:21

I can help other people. Something

12:24

that's interesting about the relationship

12:26

itself is Nico and I have kind of

12:28

always been open.

12:30

We've known each other for thirteen years. There's

12:32

been times that I suppose we dated

12:34

monogamous people, but, like, neither one of

12:36

us are monogamous people. we just

12:38

cheated on each other. And then, you know, like,

12:40

easily got over it. It was really whatever I don't

12:42

care kind of thing. Right.

12:44

We're both queer. You know, as far

12:46

as my identity, like, I'm married

12:48

to somebody who has

12:50

male parts, but

12:52

I wouldn't ever

12:54

consider any other guy. Now, how

12:56

would you say that being in your body? Like, this

12:58

work that you've done, because this is what I wanna go back to for a

13:00

minute, because how is it improved just your sex

13:02

life overall because coming out for a place

13:04

of starving your body of nutrients and

13:06

and restrictive. Like a lot of us do, we we are we

13:08

are when I'm talking about self love, I remember it

13:10

was a big light bulb moment when I realized that

13:12

self love was, like, it don't

13:14

only is it words, like, the little things that you do

13:16

or, like, eating the bad food to the negative talk.

13:19

It just happens all day every day. It can if you don't

13:21

monitor it. So you learn to, like, really get

13:23

into your body. How has that helped you

13:25

sexually? Would you say because I would think when you were out

13:27

of it. Well,

13:28

it's I mean, even more than I

13:30

mean, it's helped me. It's actually it's your

13:32

body is everything. Right? It's like this home

13:34

that it's not everything. It's the

13:36

home that we reside in though.

13:38

And it's this physical manifestation

13:40

of ourselves. And

13:42

so that carries into every single

13:45

aspect. What I found is at

13:47

the height of my eating

13:49

disorder, at the height of my

13:51

body bashing and really really just

13:53

being super uncomfortable in my skin.

13:55

Was also at the height of, like, my

13:58

most disconnected sound sex. Mhmm.

14:00

Oh, right. And, like, sexual encounters where

14:02

I was, like, I don't even I don't care

14:04

who it is. Like, just like I

14:07

mean, honestly, like, I feel, like, really

14:09

disrespectful to my own self. Yeah. This

14:11

is, like, whenever you can be an asshole, but you

14:13

can still fuck me sort of thing. You know, I

14:15

just didn't like, did not care.

14:17

As I started to heal,

14:20

and really started to focus

14:22

on, like, I'm only gonna

14:25

move for reasons because of my

14:27

own mental health. Like, I'm gonna stop doing

14:29

workouts because of anything that's exterior, and

14:31

I'm only gonna work out for things that are

14:34

interior. And then, like, I'm gonna spend

14:36

every day, like, literally standing in the mirror and

14:38

being like, I love you legs. I'm like, you don't

14:40

really do it. Let's Yeah. Because I totally did it all the

14:42

time. And that's part of your program too.

14:44

You give these tips or just part of your way of

14:46

life. It's true. Look in mirror. Yeah. You I mean,

14:48

you have to. And there was definitely a time where I was

14:50

like, oh, that's so cheesy, but it

14:52

really does help especially on

14:54

bad days, which I

14:56

still very much have, like,

14:58

all

14:58

like, all the time. Right? I'm not this

15:00

perfect. Like, I'm super body neutral and everything's

15:03

great all the time. It's, like, Sometimes it sucks.

15:05

Right. But but talking

15:07

to yourself is really helpful,

15:09

reminding yourself that, like, the

15:11

way, you know, what's helps me is the way

15:13

that you like, the

15:15

I'm feeling this way about my

15:17

body because society has

15:19

painted a picture of what

15:21

is beautiful and what is

15:23

perfect. And this is an idea that's been

15:25

sold to me. It often helps

15:27

me to take it to like a bigger perspective. You

15:29

know, I don't know that helps other people No.

15:31

I think it absolutely does. I think that is a

15:34

really big shift to realize that,

15:36

like, you can have the agency over

15:38

your own body, those own decisions stopping the

15:40

negative because it really is true that we see.

15:42

I remember this woman was selling

15:44

lingerie at the flea market. I just love this example

15:46

and she was saying it. She'll have women come

15:48

in that two women,

15:50

same day, different body, like same

15:52

body type. Same exact.

15:54

one comes in and she's like, I look

15:56

so hot. I feel so good. And then someone else is the

15:58

same and she's like, oh my god, I can never wear this. And

16:00

it's like, we have that

16:02

choice in every moment to decide to

16:04

love the body that we are in and to have this

16:06

notion that it's supposed to look any

16:08

certain way. And I do think we're getting certain

16:10

places in society we're seeing. All different

16:12

sized bodies, like, in advertisements and people

16:14

are being a but we're still got a long way to go. So

16:16

I love that that this app is really about and

16:19

what you're doing, your whole movement is

16:21

about just helping everyone just being on

16:23

this more body. Not even body positivity.

16:25

Right. Anything like neutral because positivity,

16:27

even being body positive,

16:29

it's kinda stressful because if you hate your body, you're

16:31

like, I'm not gonna be positive. But I can be

16:33

neutral. Right. And that's a good place to start if

16:35

that's where you'd start. Because we often do

16:37

things that set ourselves up to fail.

16:39

Mhmm. And the idea that you can be positive

16:41

about something one hundred percent of the time, like, I

16:43

can't think of one thing in

16:45

my whole life that I am positive about all the time

16:47

-- Me neither. -- and so the more, like,

16:49

you need to be body positive and then you have

16:51

days where you don't feel super body

16:54

positive and like, oh, you failed it being

16:56

body body. It's just so

16:58

messed up. Right? So I so I use

17:00

the word body neutrality with the

17:02

idea that sometimes you love your body, sometimes you

17:04

hate your body all days you respect your body.

17:06

Awesome. And I go back to that

17:08

often where it's like, okay, today I don't feel great

17:10

about it. I'm gonna accept that and acknowledge

17:12

it, but like I am

17:14

more than just my

17:16

body. This is

17:16

not the only thing that I am. Right?

17:18

There's so much more. Yeah. So much

17:20

more to you. Think that's a great think such a good

17:23

message, really. So how do you feel? How

17:25

has it been going? What's the response

17:27

been to to the become project?

17:31

It's been

17:32

it's been amazing. Honestly,

17:35

it's been very heavy in a

17:37

good way. It's an

17:39

emotional like, it evokes something very

17:41

emotional in people.

17:44

And the stories that we get in

17:46

from clients is this powerful

17:48

thing. I mean, if people being

17:51

like, I did the work out of my underwear today,

17:53

and I this is the first time that I've

17:55

stood in my underwear. And,

17:57

like, really looked at myself. Like, that's

17:59

a huge

17:59

that is huge for people to be, like,

18:02

I'm feeling more comfortable. We've

18:04

actually had a lot of people saying that they're feeling more comfortable around

18:06

their spouse and that their sex life

18:08

is a lot better. That has to be you gotta move

18:10

your body. One hundred percent

18:12

and, like, It's really cool to have

18:14

people writing being, like, you've improved my

18:16

sex life. Yes. That's it we're all

18:18

about that. I know all day every day.

18:20

That's what that's it. Because it's

18:22

it is the life force. So would I also wanna

18:24

explain to people? And this is something that I'm just

18:27

like, if

18:28

we don't move our bodies, like, our

18:30

life force, like, our like, the

18:32

the pelvic floor. I mean, there is so much

18:34

tension and there is so much that we hold

18:36

memories, we hold we hold stress and

18:38

tension that actually prevents us from like,

18:41

you have to move your body to have better suck. I

18:43

mean and I hate to be, like, out,

18:45

but you do. And we we wonder why sometimes I hear from

18:47

a lot of I hear from men and women, but

18:49

a little bit more women who were like, I don't know why I've

18:51

ever in the mood and sex has gotten boring. But

18:53

like, I know time to work out and I can't do anything. And like a lot of times a

18:55

lot of things start in there that you have pain, but we

18:58

have to learn to, like, strengthen our core, do

19:00

exercises that gets you the more you move, the

19:02

more you will want. Action -- Yeah. -- Your

19:04

blood is still stagnant if you're not doing

19:06

right. Yeah. I

19:07

honestly haven't thought about it that way, but

19:10

you're absolutely Right? Yeah. I mean, it's really when

19:12

once you start moving and that's why even couples do it

19:14

together, like, if they, like, didn't it's

19:16

just and that is something because when

19:18

couples play together, play together, they

19:20

stay together, but it's true when you move your bodies

19:23

together, it's hot. It is or take a class or

19:25

do something that's, you know,

19:27

challenging both of you, get that dopamine that

19:29

cert toner connect connectivity

19:31

again. Right. So and

19:33

gaining your own just your own

19:35

stance, like understanding what it feels

19:37

like to be inside of your body.

19:39

I'm really big in in my instruction and

19:41

I've always been this way. I'm really big about putting

19:43

the mind into the muscle. Yeah. Put your put your

19:45

mind into your body. Where do you feel? Where do you wanna feel?

19:47

We're, like, taking yourself mentally

19:50

there. And I think that

19:52

that's just so important

19:53

to really be

19:54

inside of yourself. Okay. I understand what

19:57

you feel Well, I think that okay. Yes. I'm so glad you brought

19:59

this up because that

19:59

is a so hard for

20:02

I that is something that

20:04

personally I've had to learn that and that

20:06

has been a journey where I literally would

20:08

have, like, I remember, like, twenty years ago, I had

20:10

a therapist saying, like, where

20:12

do you feel it's in your body? And I was annoyed. I was like, no. No.

20:14

I don't only feel

20:15

anxiety. I feel it everywhere. So I

20:18

don't know what you're talking about. I don't

20:19

have emotions in my body. I don't feel it.

20:22

And it took me a long time and that's from a lot of us who disassociate

20:24

things happen in childhood, I had trauma,

20:27

things happen. And I had to learn

20:29

and I still. It's always a journey. Mhmm. Because we

20:31

can numb out. We cannot feel things too few

20:33

things. So what is your process? What's

20:35

the language that you would use to get someone to

20:37

really, like, stopping away. How am I feeling

20:39

to put it into movement.

20:42

Right. I mean, when I'm doing a certain

20:44

move, I'm helping evoke

20:46

feeling the feeling. Yep. If you're doing a glute

20:48

exercise with me, your ass is gonna be expired.

20:50

You know, like I'm Yes. I'm helping

20:53

encourage that by the position that

20:55

we're doing. And then I'm like coaching

20:57

a lot of form to work people

20:59

into a spot. So what often helps is

21:01

to figure out if you're feeling it in the

21:03

wrong place. In order to feel it in the

21:05

right place. Right. So it's sort of

21:07

using that that, like,

21:08

back and forth. Does that make a little

21:10

bit totally. Are you feeling it in your

21:12

knee? And if you shift your butt backwards and do

21:15

this, can you then feel it in your butt?

21:17

So you have have no other option, but

21:19

to think about those places -- Exactly. -- and

21:21

you do that throughout. Right? Do you remind

21:23

people that because this is what this is definitely

21:25

classes too when they don't tell you

21:27

And I'll say this to my instructor. I'm like, where

21:29

where am I supposed to be feeling this right now? Because I don't know.

21:31

And I'm just a I feel like if I do it wrong, so

21:33

to keep having people and then that's what keeps you like,

21:35

to keep saying you should be feeling it's in your left and your

21:37

right hand and, you know Yeah. Well, if you know where you're supposed to

21:39

feel it, then you can adjust. I mean,

21:42

so my main job for years was being a

21:44

teacher trainer. I trained

21:46

instructors and I'm obsessed with the

21:48

format of teaching and how you're

21:50

supposed to teach and like what

21:52

cues make someone understand something and

21:54

how you use your voice against the music. I

21:56

mean, I could go after hours and hours.

21:58

Yeah. But that is

21:59

that, like, teaching

22:01

other instructors how to teach is one of my favorite

22:03

things. And that's one of my number one things I

22:05

say is if you tell people where they're

22:07

supposed to feel it and

22:09

some better adjust their body to get

22:11

there? Absolutely. I think every single instruct those

22:13

are my favorite instructors. I'm like, thank you. Like, after yoga,

22:15

like, thank you. Because I've been doing it for yoga for

22:17

ever, but I still need to remember that my shoulders have

22:20

to go over my hands. Right. Or don't be beyond. Because

22:22

you just keep going back. You know? You keep

22:24

going back to how you're used to

22:26

doing things, so to

22:26

keep correcting. I kinda

22:28

gotta go back to your open relationship because I

22:30

cut you off. Let's go back. I know that you believe

22:32

you're in a successful one, and

22:34

I would just let where you're working on it. I and I think I

22:36

love your language to work in progress. Right. We're always working

22:38

on it. I think it's working on super

22:41

success. Yeah. I think I think we have a

22:43

really successful open, like, as far

22:44

as how we interact with each

22:47

other, what has been hard right now or

22:49

what I'm struggling with right now is

22:51

who who am I dating? Who

22:53

are, like, the people who are

22:55

into the open who are the

22:57

people that are okay with the fact that you're married, who

22:59

can get it. It's, you

23:01

know, the idea of what marriage

23:04

is is so ingrained into

23:06

us. We're so ingrained to,

23:08

like, only know what

23:10

a monogamous relationship looks like. And

23:12

I know that there's I know that

23:14

there's more. You know? I know that it can

23:16

be something else, and it's just that's been the

23:18

hardest thing. It's finding other

23:20

people who are on board. Yeah. Well,

23:22

I think that you're doing a lot of educating in all different

23:24

areas of your lives. They have to understand

23:26

what it means. But it's hard though if you're really saying

23:28

just for sex. Right. If you want something more

23:31

than

23:31

that, you never know what things are gonna be. Like,

23:33

if you have energy with somebody --

23:35

Yes. Think

23:36

you're gonna find people. Something that you would tell your younger

23:38

self about

23:38

sex and relationships. It's

23:43

not as sin. I was raised really, really fast. Oh, okay.

23:45

Yeah. So it's

23:46

okay to explore.

23:49

Masterbat.

23:49

Oh, yes. Masterbat.

23:51

I always bring it back test. Right?

23:53

Say every me too. It took me a little too

23:55

long to find it. Yes. Same experience it?

23:57

Yeah. How old are you? Like,

24:01

late twenties. Oh, okay.

24:04

Yeah. I mean, to to I mean, granted, when

24:06

I was young, I was, like, hanging on, like,

24:08

the pole of my bed post. So I was doing Oh,

24:10

you were right. We didn't know you felt the chamber. It was

24:12

weird. Right. Was like, you're from the Midwest too.

24:14

Right? You're from Missouri. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Michigan. Yeah.

24:16

And then one time that I, like, really went

24:18

in with my hands and, like, did,

24:20

like, did it full out, you know? Put all my

24:22

heart and Yeah.

24:22

Yeah. Yeah. That you gotta do. I was like, holy

24:24

shit. Yeah. Where are you gonna be? My whole

24:27

life. What is that? Because this

24:28

is amazing. That say the more you work out move, always want them, like,

24:30

master after workout. It's all the blood flow.

24:33

Yeah. Totally. Okay. Something random

24:35

that gets you in the mood. Something

24:37

random that gets me in

24:39

the mood is

24:42

esteem. Like, bathing.

24:45

Yeah. Steam shower. Yeah. Yeah. I did that today. I

24:47

just I did. I maternity clothing. I

24:49

was just steam room, and it's a

24:51

It it really does. It does. It's

24:54

hot. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

24:56

Yeah. Biggest dating

24:59

deal

24:59

breaker. I the

25:01

jealous, crazy. Yeah. I didn't get

25:03

to how you get it through jealousy, an

25:06

open thing. You know, I've I really I

25:08

don't know if it's me, I feel like I tend

25:10

to attract pretty crazy people.

25:12

Oh, okay. Or, like, people that, like,

25:14

love the drama stuff. So -- Yeah. I know. --

25:16

we'll start to recognize it, but then you can't.

25:18

Like, after I was like, that's if you

25:20

see it, it just recently happened

25:22

and they did. I saw the red flag and I ran together.

25:24

We've got it right. Good. Yeah. Good. I felt

25:26

very proud myself. That's good. So probably just keep

25:28

doing that. Give it then one even They won't even be

25:30

it. They won't even be it. Right. Right. But

25:32

then you'll realize, like, that can't even come into

25:34

-- Right. Yes. -- review. You

25:36

can choose here. Number sex dating or relationship tip.

25:38

See? Number one, sex dating or

25:41

relationship tip. Well,

25:43

I'll talk a little bit of say something about jealousy is understandings

25:46

that love is not finite.

25:48

It's more you know, like, it's not like

25:50

a glass of water

25:51

where you drink some, it's missing.

25:53

It's more like a candle and you can light

25:55

other peoples and love is much more

25:57

expansive than we

25:58

think. Yes. Exactly. Your ability to love

25:59

many people. Yeah. Good answer. Okay.

26:02

Thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you,

26:04

Bethany, for being here, this was a

26:06

blast. Find them at

26:08

Bethany c Myers and at

26:10

the become project on Instagram and at

26:12

the become project dot com.

26:15

After

26:15

the break, I'll take your questions all about

26:17

loving the skin you're in, so don't go

26:19

anywhere.

26:24

We're

26:27

taking a quick detour from today's

26:29

episode for our holiday gift

26:30

guide spotlight. This week, I'm joined

26:32

by Jeff Abraham. CEO of PROMESA,

26:34

a company paving the way for the

26:37

better treatment of early ejaculation and

26:39

enhancing couples' intimacy. Here he

26:41

is sharing how their line of can bring joy and a

26:43

whole lot of pleasure to you and your love once

26:45

this holiday season. Tell me what's new

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and exciting right now. I think

26:48

one of the

26:49

things that's most exciting

26:51

is we are no longer a delay

26:54

spray company. Okay?

26:56

We have transitioned into a

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sexual wellness brand. So obviously,

27:00

our delay spray is still far and away

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the best product

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on the planet

27:05

for men who wanna last longer for

27:07

couples who want better intimacy, longer

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duration of of

27:12

intercourse. But our VidaFlux

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is fucking phenomenal. I

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mean, both for men and women. It's phenomenal.

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It's clearly our number two product. I

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The female arousal gel has

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It's insane. The delay wipes we

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have are the best delay wipe that's out

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there. They're better than Romans, they're clearly

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better than the Roman delay wipes. Now

27:40

they're not as good as delay spray. So

27:42

what we like to tell people is

27:45

delay spray on your bedside

27:47

table or on your vanity

27:49

and your restroom at home, and

27:51

delay wipes when you're going to a club, but

27:53

you don't want to carry a little bottle around with

27:55

you. So they've been the perfect

27:57

complement. It's been a great product

27:59

for us, some people just want that convenience. The

28:02

vibrators have been nothing short

28:04

of phenomenal. I

28:06

mean, you talk to people at Wabtec. We're

28:08

one of their largest freaking distributors

28:10

of vibrators now. We're talking

28:12

about great holiday gifts, what to

28:14

put in our stockings, Talk to

28:16

me about the arousal gel. The

28:18

thing about the arousal gel that is

28:20

so phenomenal. It's external. It's

28:22

not systemic. It's not like pills. It's

28:24

not, you know, anything that you ingest.

28:27

It is something that you just

28:29

rub about a pea size. So out

28:31

of the average container, you get

28:34

like eighty applications. But

28:36

you take a pea size and you just rub it

28:38

right on the clip, right on the vulva,

28:40

and it just creates this

28:42

gentle warming sensation. Anytime you have

28:44

warmth, you're gonna increase blood flow, so it

28:47

helps with arousal. It has the same

28:49

effect on men. Now, there's enough things

28:51

out there for men already. So

28:53

we've kept it as female arousal gel.

28:55

And a lot of men find out because it'll

28:57

rub off when they're with a woman. And they'll

28:59

go, you know, it actually helped me with

29:01

my erection because I felt this

29:03

warming sensation which increased blood flow. We're

29:05

like, yeah, it does work, but you got so many

29:07

other things out there. Don't worry about

29:10

it. But women have

29:12

really taken to the arousal gel.

29:14

And I had one gal in particular

29:16

to tell me she goes, guess what I'm wearing

29:18

right now and I was on a Zoom call.

29:21

I go, you have on a cream

29:23

colored blazer. She goes

29:25

no. She goes on my

29:27

bottom half. I go and I start laughing, I go,

29:29

well, I can't see you. She

29:31

goes, I'm wearing a

29:33

rousled gel. I'm like, what? She

29:35

goes every morning when I go to work, she goes, I just give

29:38

myself a little dab and she goes, during

29:40

the morning, she goes, I just

29:42

feel that tingling.

29:44

She goes, I just feel that sensation

29:46

and she goes, I feel turned on.

29:48

She goes at lunchtime or right after lunch,

29:50

she goes, I give myself another little

29:52

hit. And she goes, by the end of the day, I come home. I

29:54

feel like I've had eight hours of foreplay.

29:56

She goes, if I have a partner, I'm all

29:58

rep to go. She goes, if not,

30:01

I bring out my vibrator. She goes, I feel

30:03

like I've had foreplay for eight hours.

30:05

We've had women that tell us that they

30:07

use it even when they're not going

30:09

to be intimate It makes them

30:11

feel more vibrant. It makes them feel more sexy.

30:14

It makes them feel more alive.

30:16

It's a difference, guys,

30:18

and gals. Okay? I

30:20

guarantee you if a guy rubbed it on and

30:22

he starts feeling it. He'd go in the bathroom.

30:24

And if he's by himself, you know, rub one

30:26

out. A guy gets that feeling. He's I wanna

30:29

orgasm right now. And

30:31

I just find it amazing that

30:33

women have actually told us that

30:35

they love the idea of

30:37

even all day prior to

30:39

being intimate, to just help

30:41

create the mood, to just

30:43

feel sexy, to just feel

30:45

turned on, to just feel warmth,

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and

30:48

passionate all day.

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Thank you, Jeff. We love to hear all the

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31:25

Okay. This first one comes to us from

31:27

Zach twenty five in Colorado.

31:29

Hi, Dr. Emily.

31:30

My question is ever since my wife

31:32

had our daughter two years ago, she really doesn't

31:34

like triple play. She says it reminds her

31:36

of breastfeeding. Is there any way I can

31:38

get her to like the feeling of sucking on them

31:41

slash touching them again? That was a big

31:43

part of our foreplay, and I wish I could get her to enjoy it again. Thanks

31:45

for any tips. Alright,

31:48

Zach. Thanks for your question. So

31:51

here's the deal. When women give

31:53

birth, when we

31:54

age, move through the decades,

31:56

our bodies change. And so

31:58

does our hormones, our desires, we like

32:01

in the bedroom, the frequency of

32:03

sex, there's a lot of things that are going to

32:05

change. So while your wife might

32:07

not have the same exact about

32:09

you, you know, with Triple Play. I

32:11

don't think that she's completely I'm

32:13

I'm fairly confident she can get back to

32:15

a place of enjoying sensation.

32:17

So it's more like she got a new pattern. She, like,

32:20

is associating triple play with with

32:22

breastfeeding. So now we gotta get

32:24

her to kind

32:26

of rediscover the

32:28

sensitivity of her nipples again. So

32:30

I would say let her know, you can

32:32

talk to her outside the bedroom and just say, you

32:34

know what? I I love watching you

32:36

be a mom. I love our sex life. All the things

32:38

that are great. And then say, and I really miss

32:40

playing with your with your nipples.

32:43

I I would love just to slow down.

32:45

Sometimes, you know, if intercourse is a problem,

32:47

you kinda wanna bring back massage.

32:49

Well, I think with her, you could say, I just

32:52

wanna lightly Start to massage

32:54

your breasts. I wanna start,

32:56

like, massaging the sides of them. It feels

32:58

really good. Like, explore her breasts in a

33:00

bunch of different areas that are not

33:02

the nipples. So it's kinda like a tease. Like when you're teasing your thighs

33:04

and you're playing with your inner thighs, and

33:06

then you tease it, maybe use a light touch, and then

33:08

you go back to the nipples. If

33:10

you can take it slow and she can start to kind of

33:13

rediscover all those nerve

33:15

ending sensations, I think she's

33:17

gonna get that feeling back. And

33:19

she's gonna learn to love the nipple

33:21

feeling again. Now if she

33:23

doesn't, like, if for whatever

33:25

reason she can't get there, I'm sure

33:27

you guys can find some other ways to play in bed. This is

33:29

from Sarah twenty three New York. Hey, I'm

33:31

a twenty three year old girl with double

33:33

a cups. I keep seeing post that boob

33:35

size doesn't matter. But

33:37

I'm having trouble getting that through my head and

33:39

it definitely affects my confidence and

33:41

intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy

33:43

in the bedroom with my super flat

33:45

chest? Alright, Sara. Thanks for

33:47

this question because, you

33:49

know, I get it. You don't

33:51

see, you know, culture, society

33:53

glorifying smaller breasts, We're never told, like, from

33:55

a young age, like, oh, big boobs and all

33:57

that stuff. But here's the thing

34:00

about confidence is just remember it is a

34:02

I love that you're asking this twenty three

34:04

because it is a process

34:07

and it takes time to learn to

34:09

accept our bodies and

34:11

love our bodies. And I can tell you, I

34:13

don't I don't have a large I'm a

34:16

small breasted woman. For

34:18

my sexual confidence, what really

34:20

helped me was

34:22

understanding, like, what felt good

34:24

to me. So when I was with someone

34:26

intimately, like, I felt

34:28

confident in my ability to move in certain

34:30

ways that felt good like through

34:32

masturbation, I learned about orgasm,

34:34

and I learned about pleasure.

34:36

And so I feel like

34:38

that confidence truly is. And this

34:40

I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like

34:42

the sexiest thing in the bedroom because somebody

34:44

was confident in nose their

34:47

bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure.

34:49

Like, that is sexy. So,

34:52

well, I can't get you to say, like,

34:54

you should love your body.

34:56

There's a certain amount of body

34:58

acceptance that that I like to preach.

35:00

And that's there's some things, you know, we've talked

35:02

about like exposure

35:04

exercises like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and

35:06

touching yourself all over and

35:08

realizing like how magical

35:10

your body is and how much pleasure you

35:13

can give yourself. Maybe you can have a new orgasm. Like most

35:15

I think that many of us can, but we don't know, because

35:18

we never try

35:20

it out. And also

35:22

just know that this whole notion that only,

35:24

like, your partners wanna be with that

35:26

everyone is craving large breasts. I can

35:28

tell you just not true. Now, maybe I haven't been with those guys

35:30

because they're just wouldn't be attracted to me,

35:32

but, like, I don't spend my time worrying about the

35:34

people that aren't attracted

35:36

to me. I spend my

35:38

time worrying about the people that I'm

35:40

attracted to and return that.

35:42

They return that attraction. And we

35:44

could spend like I'm not a tall

35:46

person. I'm petite. I have smaller

35:48

breasts. You know? It's like, I

35:50

could spend a lot of time on those

35:52

negatives, but just like everything in life when we

35:54

focus on our literally our assets

35:56

and the things that that just

35:58

make us who we are uniquely and

36:00

all the pleasure and erodges zones and all

36:02

those things. So I think the first thing realizing

36:04

like It is in your head. Maybe you

36:07

were shamed. Right? Maybe someone said, oh, it couldn't

36:09

be with you. And then I would just say, like,

36:11

even though that might hurt, that's not

36:13

your person. And you will find someone who is your person.

36:15

Again, it's a progress not perfection

36:17

and keep working

36:20

on yourself. And and not making apologies and not saying, I know small

36:22

and just like learning to say, you know

36:24

what? I like my body. This is what my body can

36:26

do and getting into your pleasure.

36:30

And rejecting the people that aren't for you. People show you who

36:32

they are. Believe them. Let's talk to

36:34

our female caller fifty one in

36:37

Arizona. Hi. Thanks for

36:40

calling. Oh, hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

36:42

I'm fine. Thanks for calling.

36:44

I

36:45

just have a question. Yeah. Thank you.

36:47

I I enjoy your

36:48

you i enjoy yourself show. I

36:50

was just thinking, I'm fifty one, and I've

36:52

been married to my husband for twenty

36:55

five years. And things have

36:57

changed a

36:57

little bit physically. It's

36:59

Both of our physical

37:02

you know, we've both

37:03

gained gained a few pounds, not not

37:05

anything crazy, but

37:08

and things got a little scale. And I think

37:10

I'm going through menopause.

37:12

I'm not sure. And my

37:14

pubic hair is gray,

37:15

and I'm so, like,

37:18

embarrassed by

37:19

it. That happens. Yeah.

37:22

Could you shave it? You could diet or

37:24

shave it. Those are your options.

37:26

Have

37:26

you I I tried to diet one, and

37:28

it

37:28

was just I don't know what to

37:31

do. Wax it. Much Sure.

37:33

Or embrace it or just say, you know what? My

37:36

pubic hair is great. But if it doesn't make you feel

37:38

sexy, go get it

37:40

wax. Get

37:42

it waxed. Trim it, shave

37:44

it,

37:44

or just yeah.

37:46

I mean, that's that's really that's

37:47

that's really what

37:50

you do. And have you

37:52

ever had it all removed

37:54

before? No. Never. I mean, you might like

37:56

it. When I first started doing that, I like

37:58

years ago, I got, like, the Brazilian wax Where do you Arizona?

38:00

Yeah. Go into a a Medi go into

38:02

a spa. Get it it's you there's

38:04

different ways you can do it and it might even be less painful

38:06

right now. I mean, it is kinda painful

38:09

at first but they take all the hair off and it's really,

38:11

really smooth and and it can feel really good.

38:13

You can because there's so many nerve endings

38:15

on our vulva, the exterior part

38:17

of our vagina. That there might

38:19

be more access and you might

38:22

realize that he can sort of with

38:24

oral sex and using some lube. It

38:26

might feel good. It might be a a

38:28

little change. Or diet. There's like I wish there was a magic

38:30

bullet for it. Either

38:32

accept it. You're trying to go down

38:34

there, and I'm like,

38:36

no. No. No.

38:38

Oh, sweetie. I want you to -- Oh.

38:40

-- what about shaving it all off?

38:42

I mean, carefully or getting

38:45

it waxed. Yeah. And you've been together twenty five years, so

38:47

you might not even know. You might be

38:49

like, great. So Yeah. But if

38:51

you've never tried it, if you've never tried

38:53

taking it all off, I'm

38:55

all about variety and trying new

38:58

things. So either you embrace it and you're like,

39:00

yep. You don't even say anything. This is who I

39:02

am or you try

39:04

something new. And see how that feels

39:06

because it grows back. Yeah. Yeah.

39:07

You're right. Yeah. Go

39:07

down a whirl. Okay. Let me know how

39:10

it

39:10

goes. I'm

39:12

dying to know now how you think if I've never ever done it.

39:14

Okay. Thanks, Debbie. No. Trevor,

39:16

yeah. I appreciate you taking my call. Thank you.

39:18

Of course. I'm here for you. I got you.

39:21

I got you. I mean, really, there's

39:24

nothing. I wish I wish there was something you could do

39:26

when your hair turns great, but there isn't. It's

39:28

embrace it,

39:29

diet, shave everything.

39:30

everything That's what you do.

39:32

It's true. Even when you're listening

39:34

for twenty five years, there's still stuff

39:36

to work on. There's still those issues. You

39:38

know, I think you're twenty five years together,

39:40

be like, oh, look how cute you have gray hair. Remember,

39:42

it's all what we want. Like, what makes us feel sexy?

39:44

If she's not allowing her partner

39:47

to go down in her and she

39:50

enjoys that, then I'm saying, okay, either

39:52

embrace it or take it off and see how that

39:54

feels because No matter what

39:56

age we're at, I think that there's

39:58

things that make us really

40:00

insecure and prevent us from

40:02

having a sex that

40:04

we want. And the sooner we can

40:06

kind of unpack those and realize that what we're worrying about,

40:08

what we're stressed about is not gonna

40:12

upset our It's

40:14

mostly our own judgments about

40:18

ourselves.

40:21

That's it for

40:24

today's episode.

40:26

See you on Friday. Thanks for

40:28

listening to this section with Emily. Be sure to like

40:31

subscribe and give us a

40:32

review wherever you listen to the podcast and

40:34

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40:36

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40:46

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40:48

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40:50

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40:52

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40:56

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40:56

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40:59

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41:01

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41:04

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41:05

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