0:00

Can we be loved? I just want some

0:02

love.

0:29

All right. Welcome back

0:31

to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom,

0:33

this is Angie.

0:34

This is Christie.

0:35

In today's episode, we start by discussing

0:38

the beginnings of our mental health journey and

0:40

how we carry our insecurities with us

0:42

into relationships and

0:44

our insecurities of not being loved

0:46

because we have a mental illness and

0:48

how we expect other people to

0:50

take on our emotional burdens. we

0:53

talk about how having learned the tools

0:55

and resources from working

0:58

on our mental health, has helped our

1:00

current relationships and how

1:02

we have. learned from our past

1:04

relationship traumas, how we have taken

1:07

our mistakes from the past and try to just

1:10

be better.

1:11

We talk about how the tools that we have

1:13

learned has helped our relationship.

1:15

And we share a little

1:18

bit of some of those tools and we give

1:20

you some examples and hope you

1:22

enjoy the episode.

1:28

Your mental health journey has kind of been going

1:30

on for a while, right?

1:32

You don't have a very, you don't have a definite

1:34

like, oh, this is what exactly when it started. Whereas

1:36

I had a very, definitely this is when it started.

1:39

So for me, it's a lot easier to recall

1:41

this. what do you think was the more

1:43

obvious point of boom?

1:46

I'm going to start my mental health journey.

1:51

wow, that's a good question.

1:54

And really relevant to this episode.

1:56

my mental health journey had really

1:58

been on and off. So some

2:01

of our poop troops might know that I

2:04

was first diagnosed after going to

2:06

a, after being

2:08

admitted to the hospital. And

2:11

I was told I have depression when I was

2:13

12. So that was my first like

2:16

encounter. And then I was like hella

2:18

embarrassed, never going to tell anybody about this experience,

2:21

just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, and try

2:23

to live my life and just pretend that never happened.

2:25

And then, and then around fourth

2:27

or fifth year and some folks might

2:29

be like the fuck I was in post-secondary

2:32

for about nine years. So this is like halfway

2:34

through my post-secondary journey. I had

2:36

a really bad breakup,

2:40

the worst breakup I've

2:42

had, I was in school.

2:44

my dad had recently passed away

2:47

and I just.

2:51

Could not function

2:54

well. And that

2:56

was like a

2:59

sign that maybe

3:01

I should revisit

3:03

the idea of seeking

3:06

mental health support, even though

3:08

I was avoiding, avoiding, avoiding up

3:10

until then. So

3:12

this is probably like a

3:14

good 10 years after

3:16

I was admitted to the hospital.

3:20

And so I, I sought

3:22

school counseling cause that's free

3:24

and it's part of my tuition and

3:26

I guess it was then that

3:29

I started to think about, you know, how

3:31

my mental health may or may

3:33

not have

3:35

contributed to. How

3:38

I react in a dating

3:40

relationship, then

3:44

I moved on for that and like, ignore,

3:46

ignore, ignore until like,

3:52

I don't have a mental health problem. until

3:54

like, I

3:57

don't know, we started this podcast.

3:58

you mean when you cried at

4:01

my house after drinking

4:03

too much wine and

4:06

we went into some really deep shit we were talking

4:08

about like, why is it so difficult

4:10

to be a woman who's about to turn 30?

4:12

It's difficult to be an Asian woman

4:14

being growing up in an Asian household

4:16

with immigrant parents. I think we went into

4:19

some really deep shit for what was supposed

4:21

to be like a, like a, Hey,

4:23

we reconnected and let's hang out,

4:25

we'll have some wine, it'll be fun. And

4:27

then just ended up crying, which was great.

4:30

I loved it. It was very cathartic. would you say

4:32

that the death of

4:34

a loved one and the

4:36

end of a relationship that.

4:40

Combination of, you know,

4:42

just so much grief kind

4:44

of made you go, okay,

4:47

I'm not okay. I need help.

4:50

yeah, exactly. It was that it was like,

4:53

this is too much. Like I cannot

4:55

handle this anymore. I think

4:57

what it is is, and

4:59

I think a lot of folks do

5:01

this as well. We

5:04

try to be strong all the

5:06

fucking time. I

5:09

know in my regular life,

5:12

I take on a lot of projects. That's something I'm

5:14

working on. Like even in therapy, like why

5:16

do I have to fill my schedule so much? Why

5:18

do I have to do all this stuff? A

5:21

part of that. Me trying

5:23

to prove, not just to myself,

5:26

but to others that I am strong. I

5:28

am capable. I am productive. I'm a value,

5:30

blah, blah, blah. And then, and

5:33

then, you know, my

5:36

dad passed away and I'm like, I'm

5:38

strong. I can do this. I can,

5:40

I can deal with all the lawyers

5:43

and the bankers and the government and

5:45

blah, blah, blah. Like I

5:47

got this while going

5:49

to school. And then the

5:52

breakup happened and it was like, did

5:55

they say? That like the toothpick on

5:57

the camel's back, the straw,

6:00

the straw, it

6:02

was like, it was like the, it

6:05

was like the breaking point. I was like, I actually

6:07

cannot, I cannot carry on, on

6:10

all of this stuff. I pretend

6:12

I can, for

6:14

whatever reason, because of my

6:16

value or whatever, because of face.

6:20

But I couldn't any more.

6:23

And I remember going to

6:25

school like walking to the bus

6:27

stop and taking the bus and

6:30

just so filled with grief

6:32

and sadness that I don't know how

6:34

I would be able to pay attention

6:36

in class. And

6:39

of course, as a student classes,

6:42

everything like your grades are your

6:44

whole life. And

6:47

God forbid, you know, my dad

6:50

passing away and me going through a breakup,

6:52

that's going to affect my grades.

6:54

Like I can't let that happen.

6:58

And that was when I'm like, okay,

7:00

well, if I can't do this by myself,

7:02

then I'm going to need some support.

7:05

And that was probably the

7:07

first time I revisited mental health

7:09

support. since, since

7:11

I was young, because I was really

7:13

against mental health professionals, because as you know, They

7:17

gave me a not great first

7:19

impression.

7:21

And how did you take that with you

7:23

into your following relationship?

7:27

I did it because after I

7:29

saw, I think they

7:31

were like school counselors or whatnot.

7:34

I have no idea what their designations are.

7:36

after I saw them a few times, I,

7:40

I don't know it, maybe it just didn't

7:42

work out. I don't really remember much of it.

7:45

I felt like it wasn't as helpful at

7:47

the time. And so I just went

7:49

back to what I did ignore, ignore, ignore.

7:51

I didn't tell anybody that I was seeing

7:54

a school counselor because embarrassment

7:57

you felt ashamed.

7:59

yeah. And I still wanted to keep up with

8:01

that, you know, facade

8:03

of I'm strong, I'm strong, independent

8:05

woman. I can do all of this, you know, And

8:07

so I didn't take any

8:10

lessons learned to my next relationship

8:13

and I just ignore, ignore, ignore. Like, I don't have a mental

8:15

health problem. I don't

8:17

need to think about that.

8:19

what was the timeframe between

8:22

when your dad passed

8:24

away and when you start, seeking help to

8:26

this point, I see you

8:28

say that again. I know. like

8:33

between, when my dad passed away,

8:35

when I looked for

8:37

support, is that right?

8:38

Yeah.

8:39

less than a year, but when I looked for support,

8:41

it really wasn't, for my dad passing

8:43

away, it wasn't about processing grief. It was more

8:45

like, yo, I just got out of this relationship

8:48

and I'm feeling really shitty about it.

8:50

I think Okay. So here's the thing I talked

8:53

about. Like ignore, ignore, ignore than

8:55

like sort of seeing a counselor, nothing

8:57

really happened. Then ignore, ignore, ignore. I

9:01

was ignoring because one face,

9:03

I don't want people to know that I have

9:06

a mental illness and I didn't really

9:08

want to accept that I have a

9:10

mental illness. I just pretended like that chapter

9:13

of my life didn't exist when

9:15

I went to the hospital. However,

9:17

in every relationship

9:20

that I've ever been in and

9:22

I am a serial

9:24

monogamous and all of my relationships are

9:26

long-term relationships. so that means

9:28

I just haven't dated around. Like, I don't know

9:30

what that means. every single one of those relationships

9:33

I have eventually

9:35

told them that, oh,

9:38

I had. Went

9:41

to the hospital before, like this thing had

9:43

happened to me because it's a, it's

9:46

a, it's a dark shadow in my

9:48

life. But if this person is

9:50

going to be the most important person in

9:52

my life, I'd like them to know that.

9:55

So eventually they all knew this story

9:57

of me. and then I always

9:59

feel like, do

10:02

they think less of me? Do

10:04

they think I'm crazy?

10:07

Do they think I'm too much to handle?

10:11

Am I going like, is this going

10:13

to affect my relationship

10:15

negatively? That has always

10:19

loomed in the back of my mind.

10:22

And to be really

10:24

honest, it still does today

10:26

in my current relationship.

10:28

right. And

10:30

how can it not because this is something that affects. Every

10:33

day. Do you communicate with your

10:35

current partner about this kind of

10:37

stuff? I know that when you had your very

10:39

depressive, episode before you

10:42

re-enrolled into your master's program.

10:45

Cause I know you have been admitted and you decided

10:48

to turn it down. And so

10:50

during this depressive episode, he was

10:52

there for you, What about the day-to-day?

10:54

And I don't mean like every single day, but you know what I mean?

10:56

Like the more consistent support,

10:58

the more consistent communication about

11:01

your mental health

11:03

Yeah. So

11:06

if I'm having a particularly low mood

11:08

day, I will

11:11

tell you. But

11:15

I I'm concerned that

11:17

one day it'll be too much to handle,

11:21

even though he hasn't displayed any signs of

11:23

that. You know what I mean? Like he's been very supportive.

11:26

I think at the beginning, especially

11:28

at the beginning of my depressive

11:32

episode last year, I

11:35

sighed because I didn't know what to call it, but

11:37

that's what we're going to call it. Now. I could

11:39

see that he took initiative because he didn't,

11:42

I don't think he really understood depression

11:45

or even understood the importance

11:47

of mental health, et cetera. And

11:51

I could see that he was doing

11:53

research on his own. It

11:55

wasn't like, he told me it was like, Hey, I'm like looking

11:58

this shit up. Right. But I, I can see

12:00

that he, he kind of changed his

12:02

behavior in a more

12:04

supportive way, rather than trying to like,

12:08

tell me what to do, you know, like trying to fix

12:10

the problem. Right. he will ask me

12:12

like, you know, tell me more, you know,

12:14

just like little things like that, that

12:16

I'm like, that's not something that he would normally say,

12:18

but he said that. So, you

12:21

know, and then like little, little clues like that. I'm

12:23

like, I feel like he's Googling,

12:24

Yeah.

12:25

he's doing some background Googling on like

12:28

how to be supportive when you're dating someone

12:30

who has

12:31

Yeah. It

12:32

what I mean?

12:32

it. Yeah. And you know what?

12:35

That's really sweet. And I

12:37

think that shows that it,

12:41

it's not gonna get too much for him.

12:44

Of course. That's just conjecture. Right? Like it

12:46

shows that the first

12:48

thing he's going to do when you're in these

12:51

moods is not running away. No,

12:54

he's not going to go out for milk and never come back.

12:57

And that

12:59

That's hella sad.

13:00

I,

13:01

Woo

13:02

I know, that he's actually gonna

13:05

his first step is to see how

13:07

he can support. Have

13:09

you told him that you appreciate

13:13

that?

13:15

Yes. But

13:17

now that you said it, maybe I don't say

13:19

it enough, thank

13:22

you for that. Oh, now I'm going to do some validation

13:25

over there on that end. Other

13:28

things, you mentioned day to day, right? So

13:30

if there are certain days, sometimes

13:33

I just have certain days where I'm not in

13:35

a depressive state, like I'm not, you know,

13:37

lying in bed for two months, but I just,

13:39

I'm in low mood for maybe two, three

13:41

days. Right. I will tell him about it.

13:43

And I think at this point, because,

13:46

you know, it's, we've been doing

13:48

this podcast, we're so much more engrossed

13:50

in the mental health awareness that I

13:53

feel like I'm more sensitive to my

13:55

own needs. So I'm a little, you know, I noticed

13:57

it earlier if I'm, if I'm dipping

13:59

in the moods, so

14:01

I will let him know. And,

14:05

and he'll, he'll be helpful

14:08

in that, you know, he'll be

14:10

like, Hey, why don't you go for a walk,

14:12

you know, or suggest something that I actually

14:14

enjoy, that could help lift

14:16

the mood up kind of a thing without trying to like, solve

14:18

all my problems. You know what I mean? Just like making gentle

14:21

suggestions and reminders of like, Hey,

14:23

like, Like

14:28

there's, you could always meditate.

14:31

Go for, he always, usually, tells

14:33

me to like, go for a walk, just like go

14:35

outside and breathe some fresh air type of thing. So

14:38

that's kind of the day to day. But

14:42

having said that, I still

14:44

think about after every

14:46

text, I'm like,

14:49

at what point will

14:53

it become too much

14:55

for him to handle? At what point

14:58

will he stop suggesting

15:01

I go out for a walk that's

15:03

my own insecurities, I

15:06

haven't really. It's

15:08

probably something I should work on, but I'm not actively

15:11

working on it. I got all the things going on.

15:13

Right. And we can only work on so

15:15

many things at the same time.

15:17

yeah, of course. And

15:20

that's when you said that earlier,

15:22

when you were rolling. You'll

15:25

wonder, like at what point he's

15:27

just going to be like, this is too much to handle when

15:30

you said that my heart like skipped a beat because

15:33

that's also my concern. Especially every time

15:37

I act like an asshole, I'm

15:40

just like F like, fuck, like he's so

15:42

patient. And like,

15:44

he's so understanding, and

15:46

I'm such an asshole, like at one

15:49

point, he'd just be like, fuck this shit. Right.

15:52

And, that's, that's something that kind

15:54

of sits in the back of my mind too. And when something

15:57

triggers it, the insecurities

15:59

around that just like really, really

16:01

highlights that really

16:04

hard. And

16:06

I would actually say that even though

16:08

our timelines are different, the

16:10

triggers of our search

16:12

for healing

16:15

and, our fears are pretty much

16:17

the. 'cause

16:19

when I started my mental health

16:21

journey, like same thing. when I

16:23

talked about my childhood, back in an earlier

16:25

episode in season one,

16:29

when I was 10 or

16:31

nine or something, and I had walked into

16:33

traffic. I

16:36

also was like, ignore, ignore, ignore to

16:38

the point where I like, totally forgot about it. And

16:41

by forgot, I mean, I, my mind subconsciously

16:43

repressed it because it was too painful to think

16:45

about. So like ignore, ignore, ignore,

16:48

ignore. there were definitely signs here and

16:50

there, you know, like when we

16:52

were making mother's day cards

16:55

in grade six we

16:57

were doing it on those old IBM computers.

16:59

Do you remember? And then you would open up that like paint.

17:02

I don't kind of remember it was paint and then

17:04

you.

17:04

Like kid picks. Oh,

17:07

random stickers and stuff on

17:09

the best, the best.

17:11

if I just unlocked a memory for a bunch of our

17:13

listeners?

17:14

fucking loves computer class kid

17:16

picks all the right type I'm

17:18

Yes. That's that's I think that's what it was. but we

17:20

were making cards and

17:22

we were printing them out and I wrote,

17:26

thanks mom, for bringing me into

17:28

this cold cruel world.

17:31

And I was like 11 or something like that. And

17:34

then I remember my friend, she like

17:36

took a look at the car. She started laughing. She's

17:38

like, why would you

17:40

write that? Or like, like, that's

17:42

she just laughed? I don't know. Cause I guess

17:45

she appreciated the dark humor or whatever,

17:47

but I totally met. Like

17:49

it was not a joke from me whatsoever. and again,

17:51

that was something that I didn't remember for

17:53

a long time as well. And, yeah,

17:56

just always like repress repress, repress,

17:58

ignore, ignore, ignore. And it

18:00

was when my friend passed

18:02

away. my friend, well, who I have mentioned

18:05

before he took his own life.

18:08

So the grief around that was, it

18:10

was almost like it was grief for

18:12

him, but then also just fear

18:15

for my own life. And

18:17

I remember after that had happened, I

18:19

was in the middle of like studying for

18:21

an exam and that exam just completely,

18:23

like, it was just not priority anymore. And

18:26

it was walking through the streets to meet my friend.

18:29

I just remember looking up, I was like downtown.

18:31

I just remember looking up past the

18:33

buildings into the sky. And I was like,

18:35

what is the point of all this? Because

18:40

he, on the surface, he was. The

18:42

perfect Chinese son. He was

18:44

going to law school at Harvard, like checked

18:47

all the boxes and

18:49

he was still absolutely depressed. So

18:51

how can someone like him

18:54

be so unhappy? How can I

18:56

be happy? And

18:58

there were these little moments where it's like, I

19:01

obviously need help. And

19:03

in my last relationship, there were even times

19:05

when I remember instead

19:09

of like wanting to hang out with friends or coworkers

19:11

after work, I was just like, I

19:13

just want to go home and sit on

19:15

the couch. And I think there was

19:17

one point where my

19:20

previous partner was like, I

19:23

think you're just like, get some

19:25

help. And

19:27

I was like, what? No. like,

19:29

it really angered me that he had brought

19:31

that up. I'm fine. I can do

19:34

this on my own. I can deal with all my own. I've

19:36

been solving my own problems since I was a child.

19:39

I'm fine. Right. and then of course,

19:41

the end of that relationship was so ugly.

19:43

and it was I got too much for

19:45

him to handle and he

19:47

decided to seek an alternative

19:50

relationship. I don't know.

19:52

He cheated basically, but it

19:54

was a weird end to the relationship because he

19:57

didn't even want out. It's

20:00

like he was waiting for me to get better, but

20:02

I wasn't getting better. when I ended that relationship,

20:05

it was like, okay, so this person

20:08

who I thought would be

20:10

like, who used to put me on a pedal. Couldn't

20:13

even handle my

20:16

depression then who

20:18

can handle it. Nobody. And

20:21

I just went into this downward spiral and

20:25

I remember talking

20:27

to my friend, Betty, who I've known

20:29

since first day of high school

20:31

in homeroom. That's how we met. I

20:35

like told her a bunch of things. I was like going

20:37

on just like this rant. And

20:39

she was like, have you ever considered going to therapy?

20:44

And I think the way she phrased it was so

20:46

different from the way my x-rays did. Right.

20:49

My ex was like, I think you need help, which

20:52

is very attacking.

20:55

It doesn't come from a place of care. And

20:57

kindness comes from a, from

21:00

a place of selfishness. And

21:03

in hindsight, yes, it did come from a place

21:05

of selfishness. Whereas my friend who

21:07

truly cared about my wellbeing. said,

21:09

have you ever thought about seeking therapy?

21:12

But the way that she had phrased

21:14

it made me think, huh, have

21:16

I ever considered it? Instead

21:18

of defending myself towards

21:21

an attack, it was kind of like, that's

21:23

a good question. And that's

21:25

what prompted me to seek help. And I,

21:28

again, same thing, same thing as you, I went

21:30

to see a counselor first and did nothing.

21:33

I was like, you know what? I

21:35

don't need therapy. I'm totally

21:37

fine. Because my facade, I was able

21:39

to trick the counselor into thinking I was

21:41

totally. 'cause

21:43

I was so good. I was so good

21:45

at putting up that front. I had been doing it my

21:47

whole life. I was so good at it. but

21:49

then I knew I needed help. So I decided

21:52

to look further for

21:54

like somebody

21:56

who had an expertise in this area.

21:58

And that's how I found my therapist.

22:02

And that started

22:04

my journey.

22:06

so one takeaway from that is don't give up

22:08

after the first time you try to go seek help

22:10

and no hate for counselors. Okay. It just, it

22:12

just so happened that I was looking

22:14

at a counselor and Andrew looked in a counselor and just didn't

22:16

work out. No hate on counselors. the other thing

22:19

that I really loved is you recognize

22:22

the difference between how your,

22:25

your ex had responded and how

22:27

your. Had responded. And

22:30

I think that says a lot because a

22:32

lot of our insecurities and the insecurities

22:34

that you mentioned is if he

22:36

can't handle me, who

22:38

else in this world can, if

22:42

even he cannot love

22:44

me then who else can

22:46

love me, but

22:52

I don't think he loved you that much.

22:53

I don't think so either.

22:55

So it's, I don't think you should be

22:57

using that as an example for anything.

23:00

Like, it's not a, not very reliable

23:02

Source of information. I'm

23:04

in like, I'm in, like at the end of

23:07

that relationship. That's what I had thought obviously

23:09

now that I've, you know, had distanced

23:11

myself from that relationship. And I can think

23:13

about it from a more rational perspective. Like

23:16

that was not real love. It was selfish,

23:18

it was abusive emotionally.

23:20

It was not real love. So,

23:24

but it was like, it took me to

23:27

love myself to realize that. And,

23:30

yeah, so, so because of that,

23:32

I was able to take that into my current relationship.

23:46

so I want to know, because

23:48

you started your mental

23:50

health journey, like right

23:52

after this X,

23:56

and now you have

23:59

grown so much more as a human,

24:01

as someone who understands yourself

24:03

a little bit more and

24:06

taking that into a new relationship.

24:09

How I

24:11

have many questions, how

24:16

differently would you say

24:18

compared to. You're a previous

24:20

relationship and your current relationship, like what

24:22

were some of the lessons that you have taken or some

24:24

of the things that you've learned through your mental health journey

24:27

that has, shown a difference in the way that

24:29

you've handled both of

24:31

these relationships?

24:32

Oh, my God. It's like the complete 180,

24:35

like it's so it's exactly the

24:37

opposite.

24:37

Okay. Go on.

24:41

Well, like I did go on, I

24:43

was dating in between on and

24:45

off. And I remember I did

24:47

go on a date with someone a

24:50

couple of times, or I can't remember how

24:52

many times, but I really liked him. and

24:55

he seemed interested and he was really

24:57

kind person. And I told

25:00

them right off the bat, like, Hey, I'm not working right

25:02

now. I'm taking a leave from work to,

25:04

you know, get my mind healed,

25:07

will get my just heal basically.

25:10

And he completely understood

25:12

that. And he was

25:15

not, he didn't

25:17

show any sort of stigma towards it. and

25:19

we were making, we were trying to make plans for our

25:21

third date and

25:23

he kind of went quiet on me and

25:26

I was like, oh no, You

25:28

know, you get that gut feeling. Of course my

25:30

friends are like, oh, you know, like, just give

25:33

him some time, like you just saw him recently,

25:35

like blah, blah, blah. And,

25:37

so we had made plans and then

25:40

he kind of went back on his plan. He say, texted

25:43

me and said, look, I think you're a

25:45

great girl, but I don't

25:48

think you're ready for dating

25:50

or for our relationship. And

25:53

I was like, oh shit. And of course,

25:55

like he set that very straightforward. He was honest.

25:58

Like, that's something that honestly,

26:00

in the, in the era of all my dating

26:03

more than what a lot of people do.

26:05

so in hindsight, I obviously appreciate it,

26:07

but when it happened, I was a mess. I cried

26:09

so hard and I talked to my therapist about

26:11

it. I'm like, I'm unlovable, I'm

26:15

on lovable. Like, nobody can love me like this.

26:19

And, After that I was just like, okay, no

26:21

more, no more dating. I still

26:23

went on dates here and there just mostly for the

26:26

practice and the social

26:28

liability or whatever. Like, I

26:30

really didn't take many of them

26:32

that seriously. I think also a lot

26:34

of it was because I was cheated on and

26:36

I realized that it wasn't real love. I need to, I

26:39

needed to prove to myself that I was indeed

26:41

desirable. So

26:43

I was going a lot of dates for that.

26:46

and it was a lot of, it was for self-esteem as

26:48

well. and through that period

26:50

of time, I was just worked on myself a lot.

26:52

I worked on getting into a relationship

26:55

with myself as cheesy as that sounds,

26:58

but that's what I did. And I

27:00

was. I was doing gray. So

27:02

I'm like, you know what, a time to go back into the dating scene

27:04

again, cause I'm doing great. And

27:07

you know, like, you know, of blood going on

27:09

first days, whatever. a friend even tried to set

27:11

me up and then I met my current partner

27:14

and on our second day when I realized

27:17

I liked him a lot and I could see this going somewhere,

27:19

I told him straight away I have bipolar.

27:21

And I mentioned this in a previous episode as well. He

27:23

said he really appreciated that. So

27:26

right off the bat, I figured there's no point

27:28

in delaying telling him he should know

27:30

right off the bat that this is what he's getting

27:32

himself into. And

27:35

I told him, I was like, my biggest fear is dying

27:37

alone. And

27:39

he was like, yeah, I

27:42

think me too. And

27:44

I guess that made me realize, Hey, that's probably.

27:47

A lot of people's fear. Right. If

27:51

it's yeah, exactly. and

27:54

I would say the relationship still

27:57

got off to a Rocky start

28:00

and I didn't really talk to my therapist

28:03

that much about the relationship because every, like,

28:05

there's all these good hormones, right? Like all the excitement

28:07

of the new relationship. And I felt like I was fine,

28:10

but really that was just all the good hormones replacing

28:12

my normal. Like

28:14

it, it basically lifted up my baseline

28:17

because of all the happiness. And

28:19

then when our first fight happened,

28:22

I was like, fuck, I'm

28:26

on lovable. So

28:29

I finally went to, my therapist was like,

28:31

this is what's happening. I suck. Nobody's

28:34

going to love me. the die alone. And,

28:37

we started going through kind of the works

28:39

again, working through all that stuff, because

28:41

I, at that point I was like, oh, I know how to

28:43

love myself. I know how to be alone.

28:45

I was healthy being alone, but then I still

28:47

don't have, don't know how to be healthy in a relationship.

28:51

So then I started going back to see her again,

28:53

more often on

28:55

this new journey on life.

28:58

And, with her help and with

29:00

a lot of homework, I was able to

29:02

integrate that into my current relationship, but

29:04

not to say there wasn't a lot of problems.

29:06

Like I was such an asshole

29:09

in so many ways and he was incredibly

29:11

patient with me.

29:12

what was one, give,

29:15

give us an example of one memorable piece

29:17

of homework that you have.

29:21

it was expressing my needs

29:23

in a relationship. because I think this

29:25

comes from a very cultural

29:28

perspective and my therapist is from the same

29:30

culture. apparently these things that I was

29:33

doing, like, I would just tell her like, oh,

29:35

this is what happened. what the fuck? And

29:38

she would be like, it sounds like

29:41

to me, like you are giving him

29:43

a lot of tests. And

29:45

I was like, oh, damn.

29:49

Oh, damn. I'm like, yeah, I think you're right. I think

29:51

these tests are like my way of seeing

29:53

if he will love me

29:57

you're almost like setting him

29:59

up hoping that yes.

30:01

But then hoping that the results will

30:04

validate your yeah.

30:09

absolutely. It was like a vicious cycle

30:11

because the more I did that, the more unlovable

30:14

I became. Right. Who

30:15

And then the more you believe that you're unlovable,

30:18

it's like you, you are. Yes. You're setting

30:20

him for failure, but you're really actually trying

30:22

to set yourself up for failure. You're

30:24

trying to prove to yourself that, Hey,

30:26

it's true. I'm not lovable.

30:29

Like, look, look at, look

30:31

at what's happening.

30:32

Yeah. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

30:34

And what my therapist said was like,

30:37

if you keep testing him, there's no way he's gonna

30:39

pass all those tests. And

30:41

you're, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

30:45

It's not fair to him because our relationship

30:47

is not about constant tests. and

30:50

it's not healthy and it's not

30:53

a healthy way to meet your needs.

30:55

And I was like, oh, damn.

30:58

down.

30:59

Yeah. So I was given the homework

31:01

of like how to. Express

31:04

my feelings, how to express what I need,

31:07

which is like, I don't know how to,

31:09

I still struggle with that. We

31:12

just, I was never taught and we don't do

31:14

that in our

31:15

Yeah, because we don't talk about our needs.

31:17

No, like what does that even mean?

31:22

Right. so yeah, that, I

31:25

unfortunately brought a lot of past

31:27

trauma into my new relationship.

31:29

and the first, like when the glass

31:32

shattered, things

31:35

got pretty bad and pretty Rocky.

31:38

and, and the reason why I told,

31:40

him right off the bat that I have both bipolar

31:42

was I met him shortly after I was diagnosed

31:45

with bipolar and I was waiting to

31:47

see a psychiatrist about it.

31:49

So I told him, I'm like, Hey, I know. I

31:52

was recently diagnosed with this. Apparently

31:54

these are all the things

31:56

that might affect

31:59

our relationship and

32:01

he was completely understanding of

32:03

it. but I definitely brought a lot of stuff into

32:05

it and I brought a lot of past trauma

32:09

into it. And one of the things

32:11

of being like, Hey, am I unlovable?

32:16

Is he talking to other girls? Is

32:19

he looking for alternatives? Because

32:22

I'm unlovable and someone

32:24

without a mental illness, someone who's not

32:26

me would be

32:28

so much easier to love than

32:31

me because I'm

32:33

unlovable.

32:35

so I needed to do that because those

32:39

are exactly the thoughts that go

32:41

through my head. It would be

32:43

so much easier for him. He

32:45

would be so much happier in

32:48

another relationship with someone

32:50

who's quote unquote normal. I

32:55

don't have any wise things to say right now

32:58

because I'm just sitting

33:00

right next to you in

33:04

the same thoughts and same feelings.

33:06

yeah, it's uncomfortable.

33:09

And it's, and we don't have

33:11

a solution to this because we

33:13

are still working on this ourselves. You

33:18

asked me about the day to day. I'm

33:20

going to ask you about the daily.

33:25

I'm starting to

33:28

recognize some of my. Never

33:32

really recognized them before. I didn't realize how

33:34

much I appreciate alone time,

33:38

because my last relationship was so codependent

33:42

and, my ex was so possessive that I

33:44

thought it was natural. And

33:47

you know, throughout my life I've always

33:49

had somebody, there to kind of

33:52

ease my emotional burden and

33:55

that person was my mom. And

33:59

because of that, I expected that if

34:01

somebody loved me, they would help me ease my emotional

34:04

burden, but that's not healthy.

34:07

And that sets up a child

34:10

up for failure. Not that I'm saying it's my mom's

34:12

fault. It's just, that's how I was raised.

34:14

And I realized that I can't, I need

34:16

to step up and draw

34:18

some boundaries for her. So

34:22

that I can be more independent emotionally.

35:27

I love what you just said there. And I'm going to paraphrase

35:31

is that. Is

35:34

that we shouldn't

35:36

expect the people that we love to carry

35:38

our emotional burdens. That

35:41

is not how someone

35:43

shows that they love you. And

35:47

I think that's really powerful because sometimes

35:52

I find that I am

35:55

the most assholey meanest

35:58

person to the people that I

36:00

love the most.

36:01

me too. Tell me why

36:03

you think.

36:05

I feel like it's because one,

36:09

They love me so they can handle it. You

36:11

know, like they're going to, basically my mom,

36:13

she's going to love me no matter what, you know,

36:16

so I can be an asshole. And

36:20

then also, I

36:25

don't know if this is a

36:28

subconscious thing that I do, but

36:30

it, it it's like I

36:34

tell myself I don't deserve love.

36:37

So then I do things to push people

36:39

away. And

36:42

I, and

36:45

I'm thinking specifically, like my partners

36:48

now, because they're not obligated

36:50

to love me. Like my mom is they

36:52

can go away at time.

36:54

That's right. It's conditional. It's absolutely

36:56

conditional.

36:57

So, but they

36:59

are like the, you know, when I'm dating this

37:01

person, they are the closest person to

37:04

me. Right. Like, I, I. Yeah.

37:08

And maybe

37:10

I'm I think to myself, like

37:13

I don't deserve that love,

37:16

or I don't deserve to have someone love me

37:18

so much, or I don't deserve for me

37:20

to love someone so much

37:22

that I take

37:24

them for granted and

37:27

therefore I become an asshole and

37:29

then I do things that will push them away

37:31

so that I can prove to myself

37:33

that I am unlovable

37:35

yes, that's right.

37:37

fucking cycles.

37:38

I, it feel the exact same way that

37:40

when the people

37:43

closest to me always gets hurt. And like

37:45

I had this boundary

37:48

issue where I treated

37:50

somebody as if they were family. This

37:53

is, somebody that I saw as a sister, like

37:55

an older sister. And it was a relationship

37:57

that was pretty much like a family,

38:00

but the thing is with Chinese families

38:02

that we don't know how to draw boundaries, properly

38:04

emotional boundaries. And we expect

38:06

to be for the other person to share

38:09

the emotional burden. And of course, that got

38:11

too much because that's absolutely unhealthy for any type

38:13

of friendship. It's also unhealthy for

38:15

familial relationships like

38:18

with your parents. So

38:21

that ended badly as well.

38:23

And after that, I was like, well, fuck that shit.

38:25

I can't friends though. Even love

38:27

me, let alone like

38:31

a partner. but having

38:34

dropped that emotional

38:38

laborer,

38:39

Like being the emotional labor.

38:41

Like having, having

38:43

lost that. I

38:48

wouldn't say it's support cause it's not support it's,

38:50

it's having lost that crutch

38:54

was healthier for the other person. So

38:56

in hindsight, I don't understand why they had

38:58

to end the friendship, but

39:01

also for my side, my therapist

39:04

never said anything about these friendships,

39:07

but when that ended, she asked me, how

39:09

do you feel now when

39:12

you have to deal

39:14

with your own emotions? And

39:16

I said, I feel more confident. And

39:22

that's when I realized I had to draw those boundaries

39:24

with my mom as well, because it's not healthy. I

39:27

have to take care of my own emotional.

39:30

No matter what Chinese culture says. Right.

39:34

And, fuck, where was I going with this? Oh.

39:37

And so when

39:40

I got into a relationship, I think this is

39:42

like very universal is that whatever

39:45

dynamic we learn with our parents, we

39:47

tried to emulate that in our adult

39:49

relationships. And so I

39:52

was looking for somebody to help me

39:54

with my emotional burden. Of course was subconscious.

39:56

It's not like I sought out somebody who would be able

39:58

to do that for me. But I remember,

40:01

there was one time where I felt really sad

40:04

for absolutely no reason. I just felt sad.

40:06

Right. Like one of my sad, low

40:09

points and I called

40:11

the, my current partner, I called my boyfriend

40:13

and I was like, Hey, are

40:16

you doing? And

40:18

I called them for no reason. I'm just like, I

40:20

don't know. I feel weird. like, like

40:24

you sound sad. I'm like, yeah, He's

40:27

like, oh, I'm sorry that you're sad. And

40:30

that made me so disappointed that he said, I'm

40:32

sorry or sad because he's not trying

40:34

to do the emotional

40:36

labor for me. Isn't

40:40

that fucked up. And

40:42

that fucked up that I expected that. And

40:46

I was like, oh my God, he doesn't love me. That

40:49

was my first reaction was like, oh my God, he doesn't love me

40:51

because he doesn't want to help me deal with this.

40:54

And then I let him go on the phone and I felt like, shit,

40:58

I didn't feel like shit because he

41:00

set the right thing obviously. But I felt

41:03

like shit, because I was like, oh my God, he doesn't love

41:05

me. Which is absolutely not true.

41:07

Right. Because he

41:09

didn't say, I don't love you. That's

41:12

not what he said. But I made this conclusion.

41:15

I jumped to this conclusion because we

41:18

were raised to think that if you love somebody, you

41:20

do their emotional burden for them. So

41:24

as the relationship went. Every

41:26

time this happened, I questioned

41:29

whether he loves me or not, until

41:32

it did get too much for him. And

41:36

we broke up for

41:38

a week. But

41:41

for me, that was kind of like, we

41:44

quote unquote broke up, but it was more like a big fight

41:48

because I'm not good at fights. Cause

41:51

because if we have a fight, then I think the other person's

41:53

going to leave me and then I don't react properly

41:56

instead of actually talking it out and working

41:58

through the fight. I just do whatever it takes

42:00

to get them back.

42:02

Yeah. Instead of using the logical

42:04

side, all of that, all

42:07

the past trauma that you have had, especially

42:09

from your previous relationship resurfaces

42:12

again, and then the emotional

42:14

side, just like completely.

42:16

yeah, that's right. That's right. And

42:18

yeah, I remember when we had a fight, all

42:21

he needed was space. He even asked me for. I

42:24

just couldn't give it to him because I was

42:26

just so scared. And then

42:28

finally I was like, okay, I'll I need to give

42:30

you space. So I went into the bathroom and I cried

42:34

and I don't know in my mind I thought that he would come

42:36

and make sure I was okay, but

42:39

that's not how he handles fights. He

42:41

needs time alone to think it through

42:43

and then talk. But I was just, I had

42:45

this like childish

42:50

expectation that if I'm in

42:54

danger, whether that's emotional

42:56

or physical, that somebody is going to come and rescue

42:58

me, somebody is going to come and rescue

43:00

me from my own thoughts. And

43:04

of course nobody's going to do that. So

43:08

then over time I had to rescue my self

43:10

from my own thoughts. And

43:13

that's still something that I have to do when

43:15

those thoughts.

43:17

I have

43:19

felt similar things. I have

43:21

been in similar situations where I

43:23

expect that the person

43:26

is going to come run after me and

43:29

check on me and then

43:32

hug me and cuddle me and tell me

43:34

that they love me and that I'm going to be okay.

43:36

And that I can just be babies because

43:39

that is how they should be showing

43:41

their love for me. That is how it

43:44

proves to me that they care about

43:46

me. And then when they don't

43:48

do that, it feels like it's affirming

43:51

that I'm not lovable,

43:53

but in reality, They

43:56

needed space themselves to work

43:59

on their own thoughts and their own emotions,

44:01

because there are also another human

44:04

being that have

44:06

their own needs.

44:07

shit.

44:08

Exactly.

44:11

And it's, it's, it's so

44:13

selfish of me

44:15

to expect another

44:18

person to drop everything, to

44:20

drop their own wellness

44:22

and their own well-being to

44:25

care for mine. When

44:28

the situation is

44:30

hurting us both

44:32

absolutely. Yeah, but the

44:34

thing is when you go through that and

44:37

when you it's completely subconscious,

44:39

it's not like you go out wanting to hurt

44:41

the other person where use the other

44:43

person for emotional labor.

44:46

And that's something I realized I'm

44:48

recovering from that friendship breakup where,

44:51

it was a very unhealthy relationship

44:55

with somebody who I saw as a sister. And

45:00

I remember my mom, when I told my

45:02

mom about everything that went down, she said,

45:06

You know, friends are friends, you can't treat

45:08

them like family. I

45:11

was like that

45:14

quote, doesn't jive with me because

45:18

you shouldn't treat family like that either.

45:22

But my mom's saying that also shows

45:24

how much she calls me. that's when I was

45:26

like, oh shit, my

45:30

mom does coddle me and I need to

45:32

draw those boundaries for her own sake.

45:35

So as

45:38

much as you

45:40

know, there were ugly breakups

45:43

relationship and friendships, in

45:45

the past few years

45:47

of my life. And it was, they were all

45:49

very painful to go through, but

45:52

I think I needed that. And

45:54

obviously, like, I don't feel good

45:57

about putting somebody through my

46:00

assholeness, but I think that has

46:02

really opened up to

46:08

how to do my

46:10

own emotional labor. And

46:14

I'm learning how to do that in my current relationship

46:17

too. And

46:19

when I say learning is because it's a forever

46:22

journey like the other day, the

46:24

other week, I was in a really low mood.

46:27

And I didn't know why. I

46:30

guess, because it had been a while since I had that low

46:32

mood, because I had been so busy with

46:34

raising a puppy that I forgotten

46:38

how to deal with these thoughts that

46:40

come to my mind where these low moods,

46:42

where my mood, just all of a sudden deaths and there aren't

46:44

even any thoughts. It just low

46:47

point, like mood not

46:49

good.

46:54

yes, like you are. So

46:56

you are so entrenched

46:58

in taking care of your puppy,

47:01

taking care of another organism that

47:03

you forgot what it was like to take care

47:05

of yourself. And as people.

47:09

Manage mental illness day to

47:11

day, low moods can

47:13

just come out of fucking nowhere.

47:16

And I can't speak for you, but I'm going

47:18

to use the definition of bipolar. Like

47:20

you're, you're, it's a pendulum, right?

47:23

And, and as

47:25

part of the pendulum, you're gonna swing

47:27

into low mood territory.

47:30

And that just fucking happens, you know?

47:32

Yeah. And my pendulum swings

47:34

like, overly it violently,

47:38

but of course it has calmed down because

47:40

I'm on medication and I'm changed my lifestyle.

47:42

But, yeah, I just felt like low mood

47:44

and I totally forgot. I was like, what the fuck

47:46

is this? So I started blaming my. like,

47:49

we don't go out enough. We

47:52

don't spend enough quality time together. You

47:54

don't take me out on dates anymore. And

47:57

I was just

47:57

oh my God.

47:58

asshole because those

48:00

things were true, but that's not why I was

48:02

in a low mood. I was trying to figure

48:04

out why I was in a low mood, like, because

48:06

it is true because we were busy raising

48:09

a puppy. Like our romantic life

48:11

had taken a step back. But

48:14

then for some reason I was blaming him. And

48:17

I, you know, went through the whole

48:19

thing, but, Fuck. I totally forgot that

48:21

I'm bipolar and that

48:23

I have these moments where I'm low

48:25

mood and like, instead of like blaming

48:28

other people, I need to like, be like, okay, why

48:30

like what let's be mindful. Right. Like, totally

48:33

forgot about that stuff. so that's

48:35

like an example of a day to day, like

48:38

is how I approach

48:41

these little moves. And of course, like when

48:43

that happened again, when I was like, oh, I'm not feeling

48:45

so great. So I decided to like go

48:47

to bed early that night when I was not feeling so

48:49

good. do some reading in bed and just like,

48:52

I was totally fine the next day

48:53

I think what's difficult is trying

48:56

to tease out, is it me?

48:58

Or is it the relationship? And

49:02

I like things like, oh, not spending

49:04

a lot of quality time together, not going out on

49:07

dates like that. That is going to take a toll

49:09

on the relationship because it takes effort

49:12

to, you know, keep the

49:14

spark alive, keep it interesting.

49:16

Keep it fun, et cetera. And

49:18

I think that is a responsibility

49:21

that comes from both. The

49:23

difference here is that your

49:25

low mood wasn't actually, because

49:27

of those things, you just attributed it to

49:29

it. Like that was your first instinctive thought

49:32

is to, oh, it's not me, it's them, you

49:34

know? And it could be that

49:36

part of your brain that's, you know, subconsciously

49:38

trying to sabotage you, right. The

49:40

whole vicious cycle that we were talking about.

49:43

That could be part of it. I do want to point

49:45

out, you know, for our listeners pay

49:47

attention, like, see, is it, is it you?

49:49

Or is it the relationship? You

49:52

know? Cause I don't want people

49:54

to also be taken advantage by

49:56

their partners. I don't want to give permission

49:58

for the other person to Gaslight you. Don't

50:01

let people be like, oh, that's, that's just

50:03

your bipolar talking

50:05

Right, right,

50:05

or that's just your depression talking. That's all

50:07

you. Yeah. So I think there's a, there's

50:10

a difference in, you know, trying to figure out

50:12

is it, is it actually me

50:15

and my subconscious thoughts

50:17

and the things that I am working on? Or

50:21

are they gaslighting you I

50:23

think in your situation, you know, the

50:25

example that you gave was different because you

50:28

were like, okay, I'm going to journal.

50:30

I'm going to do the things in

50:32

my toolbox. And then you figure it out. You're like,

50:34

Hey, you know what I do

50:36

feel better now. Like that was actually

50:38

pretty selfish of me to just completely throw the

50:40

blame on you and point the finger

50:42

at you when really I just needed to like,

50:46

oh yeah, I have bipolar. I should, I should probably

50:48

use some of the things that I have learned. And.

50:52

Try to, mediate that that's the

50:54

difference, right? It's like, you're

50:56

like, okay, you stop you pause, you questioned

50:59

you did something about it. And then you're like, okay.

51:02

And then you apologized. Whereas

51:05

if the situation is they are

51:07

gaslighting you and then you stop and

51:09

pause and question and you're like, Hmm, no,

51:11

that doesn't feel right. Or

51:15

if you use your toolbox and

51:17

it doesn't work. And you're like, no, I still feel

51:19

like something is off. Or I feel like, you

51:21

know, go with a gut, right? Red flags, these

51:23

things then revisit

51:26

that conversation with your partner and then

51:29

be confident that it's no,

51:31

it's, it's not me.

51:33

It's something going on with our relationship and we should have

51:35

a conversation.

51:36

that's right. And an example of that would

51:38

be, when I was suspicious of

51:41

my ex, I was like, oh, you

51:43

have these new friends that you've never introduced

51:45

me to. and also you told me

51:47

that you drove alone to this like group gathering,

51:50

but then I found some stuff in the backseat

51:53

and he was like, I can't believe you a question

51:56

questioned me like that. And

51:58

there was another time where I was like, Hm,

52:00

something doesn't feel right. Like,

52:02

I'm not feeling so good about this. And he just

52:04

said, I think that's her anxiety acting

52:07

up. So that would be

52:09

an example of gaslighting because you're

52:11

trying to have a conversation about something and

52:13

somebody immediately dismisses your

52:16

concerns and throws

52:19

the whole like, oh, you all you have, it's like

52:21

your anxiety or depression or your bipolar.

52:24

they're being very defensive and then using your

52:26

illness as a

52:28

weapon against yourself. Again.

52:30

to, to make you question yourself rather

52:33

than to actually have a conversation. Whereas

52:35

when this was coming up, when I was

52:37

blaming my boyfriend for like these things,

52:40

it wasn't even, like I went up to him was like, you,

52:43

you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're I wasn't yelling at

52:45

him. I just said, look, I feel like, kind

52:47

of sad lately. this is how I

52:49

feel. And he would

52:51

just be like, Hm, like,

52:54

I'm sorry you feel that way. And

52:57

that made me go, wow. You

53:01

know, rather than like, it's not like he blamed me

53:03

for anything. He, he didn't even mention

53:05

my mental illness. I

53:08

think that's, that's a big, that's how I was

53:10

thinking. I think that's what made me go. Hm.

53:13

That was not the kind of reaction I was expecting. I

53:15

was expecting to be yelled at or to be gaslighted,

53:18

but,

53:18

Or to be carrying your emotional

53:21

right. So it was that's right.

53:23

And it wasn't what I had

53:25

normally experienced. Right.

53:28

It may my neuron pathway

53:31

switch to a different

53:35

response. So instead of responding

53:37

how I used to respond in

53:39

these situations, I responded in

53:41

a new way that

53:43

worked out for me. So

53:47

that's, I guess that's an example of like day

53:49

to day as well. When,

53:52

when you do have like things like triggers

53:54

and PTSD and. Things

53:56

that make you feel really insecure.

53:58

and that's just it, right? Like you

54:00

have come a really long way

54:03

from your last relationship

54:05

to where you are at now. We

54:08

are continuing to practice and

54:10

grow and, you know, these are just

54:12

some examples and stories of

54:15

our lives. It doesn't mean. This

54:18

is the way you should do things. Or this is like the

54:20

most perfect thing. We're, we're trying

54:22

to figure this out ourselves. And

54:26

we, Angie and I have

54:29

our insecurities as well.

54:32

I think the difference is we are now trying

54:34

to recognize that these are our insecurities.

54:37

We recognize that, oh,

54:40

we, we expect other

54:43

people to carry our emotional shit and be coddled.

54:45

And maybe that's not the most healthiest thing, like

54:48

starting to have these realizations is going

54:50

to help us move forward and

54:52

managing our own relationships

54:54

and preserving our relationships. We

54:58

don't have the answers to everything, but

55:00

we just want to say that we continue to practice

55:03

and I think like what keeps

55:05

us practicing and like what keeps us in check

55:07

is that we don't want to hurt our loved

55:09

ones anymore. Like, we don't

55:11

want to hurt them. I

55:14

don't want to be an asshole. I don't want to hurt him.

55:16

I don't want to hurt my mom. I don't want to hurt my friends.

55:19

That's the last thing I want to do. And even

55:22

though I had no intentions of partying,

55:24

my friends, my actions didn't hurt. So

55:26

it doesn't matter what my intentions were. I

55:29

now need to find ways where my

55:32

actions won't hurt my loved ones.

55:34

And that's one thing that, you know, if you're

55:36

listening to this and you are a

55:39

caretaker and not caretaker,

55:41

as in like you do the emotional labor, but as in, you're

55:43

in a relationship with someone who does have

55:45

these insecurities and not even necessarily

55:47

a mental illness, but these insecurities or

55:50

these past traumas from past relationships,

55:53

you know, make sure you're drawing the right

55:56

boundaries, make sure

55:58

you are confident in your own needs

56:01

and make sure you feel appreciated

56:04

for everything that you do, because it is

56:06

not easy. And it goes both ways.

56:08

Like I'm sure there's a reason

56:11

why our boyfriends love us. I'm

56:13

sure we do things. I'm sure we do things

56:15

to make them feel loved too. And I'm sure they have

56:17

their own insecurities. Like maybe they

56:19

won't. For

56:23

us

56:24

I, that is a really great

56:27

point. We all

56:29

have insecurities. A

56:31

lot of times we just think about our own

56:33

and we forget that other people have them too.

56:37

We forget that they also

56:39

have emotional needs. We forget

56:41

that they also need to have space. We

56:44

forget that they also need to process

56:47

and think about things and work

56:49

on their own mental health as well.

56:52

yeah.

56:53

are not everybody has mental

56:55

health and mental wellbeing to

56:58

pay attention to. And sometimes

57:00

we forget that and

57:02

I think that's a great reminder and a

57:04

great way to wrap up today's episode.

57:07

yes.

57:09

So today we shared some stories.

57:13

Is there something you wanted to add?

57:14

No, I just, right now, I just want to go outside

57:16

and give my boyfriend a hug and be like, Hey, I appreciate

57:19

you.

57:20

oh.

57:21

since like, like he's a huge vitamins guy.

57:23

So at nighttime, he always like, takes all his

57:25

vitamins and he always takes my pills

57:27

out for

57:28

Oh see.

57:30

That's that's that's real nice.

57:32

Yeah. Right. Isn't it. That's so that's

57:34

why I'm like, sometimes when I'm an asshole, I'm like, how can

57:36

I be an asshole to him? Right. Anyway.

57:40

And then every day we just work on, work

57:43

on ourselves and work on our relationship and

57:45

that's all that we can.

57:47

that's right. So if you came here

57:49

to find a quick

57:51

solution to how to be

57:54

lovable in a relationship, sorry,

57:56

but there's no shortcut.

57:58

wow. It took them an hour to listen to find

58:01

that out.

58:02

Yup. Psych I'm just kidding. you know, yeah.

58:04

Sorry. There is no shortcut. You just have to put in

58:06

the work.

58:11

great.

58:11

listening.

58:12

See you next episode. Bye.

58:48

Oh, Mike. So I just went

58:50

on a WhatsApp, right. And

58:53

John just sent me a message saying there's a major

58:56

gas leak in my room.

58:59

he's not talking about flatulence, right?

59:03

Oh, maybe.