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Welcome to the Situationship to Soulmate podcast

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, your guide to navigating the complicated

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world of dating and sex in your 20s

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. I'm your host , Shelly . Content

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creator , mental health counseling graduate student

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and a trained sex and relationship coach

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. After going through a lot of traumatic

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, unhealthy and toxic experiences

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throughout my 20s , I'm finally ready

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to use what I've learned over the years to help those

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of you who are still experiencing it . I'm

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ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of

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you who are still experiencing it . I went from

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situationships , bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate , all

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within one year . Let's help you get there too . All

0:54

right , welcome back to another episode . I am in a much different mood than I was the last time I recorded

0:56

an episode . I feel like last episode I was talking about how I had really

0:58

been struggling with motivation

1:01

and like procrastinating a lot and just not

1:03

feeling like doing

1:06

episodes . Basically , this

1:09

week I am feeling a lot better and

1:11

I wanted to talk about something that I

1:13

definitely will do more episodes about in the future

1:15

, because I think it's a really interesting topic , I

1:17

think , which is how my

1:20

cycle , how my menstrual

1:22

cycle , impacts me and also

1:24

my relationship , and I know I'm

1:26

not alone in this , but when I

1:28

recorded the last episode I was

1:31

on my period and

1:33

I have

1:35

for a while been wondering if I have PMDD

1:38

. I definitely want to do an episode about PMDD

1:40

and how that can affect relationships

1:43

. Pmdd stands for premenstrual dysphoric

1:45

disorder . It is a mental health condition

1:47

where you basically have like really

1:50

intensified PMS

1:54

symptoms . So you know a lot of people

1:56

think like , oh , pms is

1:58

just , you know , you get a little bit

2:00

more , you know you get a little bit more moodier

2:02

before your period . But PMDD is like

2:04

that times a hundred . Um

2:07

and yeah

2:09

, basically I realized that the

2:11

week that my boyfriend was out of town where I was like really

2:13

struggling , it probably was in

2:16

part to do with me missing

2:18

him and just getting used to like being in the house alone

2:20

, but I think it also was potentially

2:23

PMDD . At the very least it was PMS

2:26

. I just really , yeah

2:29

, my mood and my mental health really gets

2:31

affected that week leading up to

2:33

my period . So anyway , now

2:35

I am done with my period and I am feeling

2:38

like a whole different person

2:40

. I literally feel so

2:42

much happier , like

2:44

it just . It feels like it's like depression and

2:46

fog has just been lifted and I'm like , let's

2:49

record a million episodes

2:51

. I am like so ready to get all

2:53

of this shit done and like

2:55

I'm just so productive and whatever , I'm

2:58

having the best day ever . So anyway

3:00

, I basically have decided that

3:02

I'm going to start paying closer

3:04

attention to my cycle

3:07

and really planning out my months

3:09

to where , like , I can just

3:11

get a lot of stuff done , be really productive

3:13

in the weeks where I am feeling

3:15

up for it , like I am right now , and

3:18

then kind of cut myself more slack

3:20

and be like it's okay to not be as

3:22

productive the week leading up to my period

3:25

, like , if that's not , I don't need to force

3:27

myself to record episodes

3:29

that week . I can just record

3:31

ahead of time and , you

3:33

know , take advantage of these times , like

3:36

right now , where I am feeling that motivation

3:38

. For any people out there who have

3:40

a period . I'm sure you can relate and

3:43

, yeah , I definitely will do more episodes

3:45

talking about that . But today's episode

3:47

has nothing to do with that . But

3:51

I just wanted to kind of start the episode sharing a little

3:53

bit about that . So

3:55

today I am talking on a topic

3:57

that actually my boyfriend recommended

3:59

. He was like oh what if you did an episode

4:01

about ghosting or about breadcrumbing . So I'm like I'm going to do an episode about bothing

4:04

or about bread crumbing . So I'm like I'm going to do an episode

4:06

about both , all right . So I'm sure we

4:08

are all already familiar with what

4:10

ghosting is no warning , there's

4:12

no breakup talk , there's no

4:14

, there's no communication at

4:16

all . They just go , no

4:19

communication , and typically

4:21

it's like very unexpected or sudden

4:23

. You

4:25

know , I've heard of people being ghosted who

4:27

were in actual , like long-term

4:29

, committed relationships and they

4:31

literally feel like you

4:34

know , worried that the person like passed

4:36

away or something and they find out no , they're

4:38

still alive . They

4:45

just didn't want to bring up with me to my face and have just ghosted me . So this article from Elite

4:47

Daily , which I will link in the description , says

4:49

that , unlike ghosting

4:51

, breadcrumbing doesn't end all communication

4:53

. Instead , breadcrumbing is the deceptive practice

4:56

of giving someone just enough to keep

4:58

them interested , even when you're not . Breadcrumbing

5:00

keeps someone around at your liking , taking

5:03

the form of a half-hearted instagram , like

5:05

once every two weeks , or even a text

5:07

once every few months . I also found

5:09

a cnn article which says

5:11

that bread crumbing refers to

5:13

a form of manipulation involving

5:16

one person feigning interest and acting

5:18

as though they sincerely interest , that

5:20

they are sincerely interested and invested

5:22

in a relationship , but but they're actually

5:24

not . Yeah , I think like the most

5:27

obvious difference between ghosting

5:29

and breadcrumbing is that breadcrumbing , the

5:31

person is still talking to you , whether it's once

5:34

every few weeks or months , or

5:36

maybe they are still talking to you

5:38

once a week or every day , but

5:41

something about the communication

5:43

is different or feels off

5:45

. But they are not willing to like admit

5:47

to you that they just are

5:49

not interested or they want to end the relationship

5:52

, whereas ghosting they

5:54

just end it completely , with 100%

5:56

no contact , not talking to you

5:58

at all . You have no

6:01

communication with them . They don't give you

6:03

any closure . So in this CNN article

6:05

they brought up this kind of psychological

6:07

principle , which I was obviously

6:09

interested in , since I'm studying counseling

6:12

and training to become a therapist . They basically

6:14

said that the reason why breadcrumbing works

6:16

is because the person using

6:18

breadcrumbing is using a principle

6:20

of intermittent reinforcement , which

6:23

basically means that they are

6:25

every now and then giving you that

6:28

reinforcement or assurance

6:30

that they're still there , they're still

6:32

thinking about you . So they actually compared it to

6:34

like why gambling is successful

6:36

when you're gambling , you

6:41

will win every so often , you will win some money every now

6:43

and then . So you keep playing , hoping

6:46

that you will win big

6:48

right ? The reason why gambling can be so addictive

6:50

for people is that it's not like you

6:52

never win anything right . Every

6:55

now and then you probably will win some money

6:57

and that reinforces you and makes

6:59

you feel like , oh , this is working , maybe

7:01

I could win even more and even more

7:04

. So you keep playing , you keep gambling

7:06

and then ultimately

7:08

, most people end up losing more

7:10

than they even won to begin with . So

7:12

that's kind of like breadcrumbing

7:15

, where , like , you continue

7:17

to talk to this person and continue to try

7:20

to make a relationship work with

7:22

this person , because every now and then

7:24

you do get that reinforcement , you do get

7:26

that like affirmation

7:28

or reassurance from them , but it's

7:30

not a regular occurrence

7:32

, it's not consistent . So ultimately

7:35

you are really gonna lose . If you are trying

7:37

to like play this game of winning

7:40

at being breadcrumbed , you're

7:42

not going to not to be like

7:44

you know , uh , debbie

7:48

Downer here , but you know

7:50

it is . It's like gambling . They're really

7:52

. You know the

7:54

vast majority of people are not going

7:56

to have positive outcomes

7:58

from gambling and the vast majority

8:00

of people are not going to , you

8:02

know , live happily ever after with someone who's

8:04

breadcrumbing them . So , according to a lot

8:06

of research and like my

8:08

own opinion , I feel like breadcrumbing

8:10

is actually much harder to move

8:13

past and to to

8:15

kind of process and work through , because

8:18

you know when , when you're . When you've been ghosted

8:21

, as much as it sucks , it's like

8:23

there's your closure right , like this person

8:25

is not responding to you

8:27

, they're refusing to contact

8:30

you , so it's kind of easier

8:32

almost to move on from them because it's like they're

8:35

not giving you any reinforcement or any reassurance

8:37

, they're not responding to any texts from you

8:39

, you know , whereas breadcrumbing , again

8:42

, it's like they're kind of leaving the door open a

8:44

little bit . They're leaving a window open . They're like

8:46

giving you this idea that maybe

8:49

they could still be interested

8:51

or maybe at some point in the future they might

8:53

still want to be with you . There actually are

8:55

some long-term negative

8:57

impacts on your mental

9:00

health if you have been breadcrumbed and

9:02

they've actually found that there's more of a relationship between

9:05

feeling lonely , not feeling

9:07

satisfied with life , having

9:09

feelings of helplessness . All

9:11

of those feelings have been correlated to people

9:13

being breadcrumbed . But there actually

9:16

was not a significant relation between

9:18

people who have been ghosted

9:20

and those mental

9:22

health issues that I mentioned , like feeling lonely

9:25

, helpless , all of that and again

9:27

, I think it's probably because of what I kind of just

9:29

said around like the closure , the

9:31

CNN health article that I found . They say

9:33

that over time , the target of

9:36

breadcrumbing is emotionally manipulated

9:38

, deceived and disrespected . They

9:40

feel anxious , sad , confused , lonely

9:42

, inadequate , abandoned , embarrassed , hopeless

9:45

, angry , unworthy

9:47

of love or attention . Yeah , it kind of causes

9:50

you to settle for like

9:52

scraps of attention , like settling for

9:54

those very infrequent reinforcements

9:57

that you're getting from that person , instead

9:59

of just cutting

10:01

your losses and moving on . So I thought I'd share

10:04

an example of from my

10:06

life , of when I was breadcrumbed , as I

10:08

like to do on this podcast . And

10:11

yeah , for me I think the most clear

10:14

example that I have of

10:16

being breadcrumbed was my

10:18

very first situationship that I had

10:20

in college . So

10:22

I talked about this in the first

10:24

episode of this podcast , sharing

10:27

my stories around my different situationships

10:29

. But basically this person

10:31

, you know , we dated casually

10:34

, I guess , for a few months and then I

10:37

, you know , kind of brought up

10:39

the conversation of like I

10:41

think we should talk about what , what are we , what are

10:44

we doing ? He told me he did not

10:46

want a relationship or that he wasn't

10:48

in a place to be in a relationship right then , and

10:50

so we stopped seeing each other for

10:53

the time being . But the breadcrumbing

10:55

started happening , in that he

10:58

, you know , for about a

11:00

month or two I didn't hear from him at all

11:02

and I was like I'm not going to text him because

11:04

I want a relationship . He doesn't . He

11:06

knows I want a relationship , like you

11:08

know , we kind of just cut off communication , um , but then it would

11:10

be like , yeah , after a couple know , we kind of just cut off communication , but then it would be

11:12

like , yeah , after a couple months

11:14

he texted me and started

11:17

up a conversation and

11:19

would say things like , oh , I want

11:21

, you know , we should , we should catch up , we should hang

11:23

out and catch up sometime . You know , I

11:26

, you know , like

11:28

, would text him back and be like

11:30

, yeah , that sounds great . And then he would

11:32

never follow through on actually

11:35

like planning a time for us to meet , you

11:37

know . And then , like this

11:39

, I mean the breadcrumbing really kind of

11:41

continued for like at least

11:43

a year after we had ended

11:45

things . Because , like , I went

11:47

, I did a study abroad program in Spain

11:49

, so I was in Spain for a semester , I got back from

11:52

Spain and I remember him texting me when I got back

11:54

being like , oh my gosh , I want to hear all about

11:56

your study abroad semester . Like

11:58

let's meet up and , and you

12:00

know , you can tell me all about it . And I was like , yeah

12:03

, sounds great , crickets

12:05

Again . He never followed through

12:07

but

12:09

he was , you know , he was kind of breadcrumbing

12:11

me because it was like , okay , he

12:19

hasn't completely stopped all communication and he will

12:21

sometimes give me those reinforcements that I talked about earlier , like he is telling

12:24

me that he wants to catch up with me , he wants to hear how I've

12:26

been , he wants to hear about my study abroad . Like

12:28

he's giving me this , this

12:30

reinforcement and

12:32

then not following through on it . Or

12:34

then you know , continuing to have

12:37

a few weeks or months

12:40

where he just doesn't talk to me at all and

12:42

then he comes back into my life and

12:44

more breadcrumbing , you know . So

12:46

this

12:49

was actually like when I look

12:51

back on it , it makes sense why it was

12:53

so difficult for me . I think at the time I felt

12:55

really kind of ashamed for

12:57

even responding to him . Like whenever he would

12:59

text me I'd be like I know I shouldn't

13:01

respond to him , but I felt like I

13:04

needed to because again

13:06

it was like that gambling thing . It was like , oh

13:08

well , what if ? What if there's a chance that now

13:11

he really wants a relationship ? And that's why he's texting

13:13

me again . And and oh , he seems really genuine

13:15

when he's saying like that he wants to

13:17

hear my study abroad experience Like maybe

13:20

we will meet up , maybe we will start dating , maybe

13:22

we'll live happily ever after . You know , it was like I

13:25

was holding out hope because he was giving

13:27

me those little pieces of hope instead

13:30

of just doing . You

13:33

know the more mature thing , which would have been to just stop

13:35

talking to me if he wasn't actually interested in

13:38

pursuing a relationship with me . When

13:40

I was doing some research about breadcrumbing , the first

13:42

step that , it said , was to

13:44

recognize when you are being

13:46

breadcrumbed . That's like the first step

13:48

to really be able to heal from it and move past

13:51

it . And I can look back now

13:53

and see that , like you know , I was young , I was still

13:55

in college when this experience that I just talked about

13:57

happened . I was definitely not

13:59

seeing that I was being breadcrumbed

14:01

. Like I didn't even know what the term breadcrumb

14:03

meant at the time , like I had

14:06

no awareness around it , and I think that made it harder

14:08

for me to to be

14:10

able to heal and move past it because I didn't even realize

14:13

what was like psychologically

14:15

, what was being done to me . So the experts

14:17

in this CNN Health article say that

14:19

being able to recognize breadcrumbing is

14:21

like the first and one of the most important

14:23

steps , and

14:26

then the next step is to identify the

14:28

root of why you are accepting such

14:30

maltreatment . Is to identify the root of why you are accepting such maltreatment and that can

14:32

kind of help you begin the journey of healing

14:35

, improving your self-esteem , working

14:40

on your mental health , all of that . So , yeah , I think that

14:42

, like back in college when I was being

14:44

breadcrumbed , if I

14:46

had realized that

14:48

I was being breadcrumbed , the next step for me

14:51

would have been trying to figure

14:53

out what is the root cause of this

14:55

, like why , what is it

14:57

about me , my experiences

15:00

, my mental health

15:02

, psychology that is causing me

15:04

to be accepting these breadcrumbs instead

15:06

of just moving on and finding someone

15:08

who wants to be in a relationship with

15:10

me ? You know , moving

15:13

on and finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with me , you know . So I think

15:15

that's like really good advice is , you know , I talk about this a lot on this podcast you really

15:17

have to be self aware and you really have to be willing

15:20

to do the work and to really get to know yourself

15:22

and your pattern , your negative toxic

15:24

patterns that you might have , and also , just like your

15:27

attachment styles maybe it's it's

15:29

you know trauma history

15:31

and knowing your triggers . Like you

15:34

need to figure out , like what

15:36

is causing me to allow someone

15:38

to breadcrumb me . I think I talked

15:40

about this in the boundaries episode

15:42

, so you should definitely listen to that if

15:44

you haven't already . But if you feel like someone

15:47

is doing something that is hurting

15:49

you and it's really having a negative impact

15:51

on you , one of the first things you need

15:53

to do is , like look at , like what's

15:55

going on with my boundaries ? Like , have I set a boundary

15:58

? Have I told this person hey , if

16:00

you don't want to date me , I don't want to talk to you

16:02

anymore ? Like

16:08

that might sound harsh , but like that is sometimes what you have to do to stop

16:10

the breadcrumbing from happening , because a lot of times , these , these are people that , like

16:12

they , just they don't want to completely get

16:15

rid of you from their life , they don't want to completely ghost

16:17

you , but they're also not stepping up to the plate

16:19

. You know it's like a situationship . It's like they

16:22

are not giving you what you need . So

16:24

you might need to be really straightforward with them

16:26

and be like dude

16:29

I know you're breadcrumbing me

16:31

. I don't appreciate

16:33

this , I don't deserve this , I

16:35

am going to stop talking to you and find

16:37

someone who will treat me better . And that might sound

16:39

like really crazy and really like . You know you

16:41

might think like , oh , that's like way too much

16:43

. I would never say something like that , but

16:46

why not ? You know , like why

16:48

? Why are you allowing yourself to

16:50

be mistreated ? Especially

16:52

if you do have that awareness Like , especially if you have

16:54

gotten to the place where you're like oh , I

16:56

recognize that I'm being breadcrumbed . And

16:58

then maybe you've taken the second step of like acknowledging

17:01

kind of the root cause of it , of like , oh

17:04

, I can see that I have low

17:06

self-esteem or that I have an

17:08

anxious attachment style , or I

17:12

am in this fawn response

17:14

. You know , with trauma responses it's like fight

17:17

, flight , freeze or fawn . Fawn is basically

17:19

the people pleasing . So you might be someone

17:21

that has a tendency towards the fawn

17:23

trauma response and that might be causing

17:26

you to be accepting these breadcrumbs

17:28

because you don't want to hurt the person's feelings

17:30

. So another piece of advice that this CNN article

17:32

says is that you need to let

17:34

go of your hope . That sounds really

17:36

dark , but like , let go of

17:38

your false sense of hope that this

17:41

person is actually

17:43

going to want to be in a relationship with

17:45

you or that they are going to change , because

17:47

right now , in this moment , they're breadcrumbing

17:50

you and breadcrumbing , like I

17:52

talked about earlier , actually does have

17:54

like really serious negative mental

17:56

health consequences . Dare , I say , you could

17:58

even ghost them . I think fighting

18:00

breadcrumbing with ghosting maybe

18:02

it's not the most mature move , but like

18:04

this person has been breadcrumbing you , they

18:06

don't really deserve you treating

18:09

them well Like you don't . You don't have any obligation

18:11

to them . So , honestly , if you feel like

18:13

you're not going to be able to follow through with it , if you

18:16

try to have a conversation with them , if you

18:18

feel like you're going to be kind of lured

18:20

back into their bread crumbing

18:22

trap , then just ghost

18:24

them . Like if they are bread crumbing you

18:27

, they don't want to be in a relationship with you and

18:29

, for whatever reason , they're choosing this route

18:31

over ghosting you . So you could just

18:33

ghost them Like . I don't know , maybe

18:35

that's not what I'm supposed to say , maybe that's not the

18:37

advice I'm supposed to give , but again , like

18:39

I said earlier , breadcrumbing is actually

18:41

way more like , has way more

18:44

negative mental health outcomes than

18:46

ghosting does . If you go someone

18:48

, they're going to be fine , they're going to take the hint , they're

18:50

going to move on and it's going to be okay

18:52

. But , like , you don't need to continue accepting

18:54

breadcrumbing from someone just because you're afraid

18:57

to lose them or to ghost

18:59

them or to stop talking to them . In this late

19:01

daily article that I found they say with

19:04

ghosting , although there might not be any healthy emotional

19:07

closure like you might want , at

19:09

least it's closed . When a person stops

19:11

responding to your messages and cuts off communication

19:14

, you know where things stand , they're done

19:16

. So , like I said , you

19:18

know it's much

19:20

easier to get over being ghosted than it is

19:22

to get over being breadcrumbed , or

19:25

at least I should say for most people . It is Another

19:28

quote that I love from this article says ghosting

19:30

someone is rude , while breadcrumbing someone

19:32

is deceitful . So

19:34

again , this is why I'm

19:36

saying , like , if someone's

19:38

breadcrumbing you , I personally

19:40

don't think it's the worst thing in the world to ghost

19:43

them , because what they're doing to you is

19:45

deceitful . If you were to ghost

19:47

them , yeah , it's rude , but

19:49

it's not even on

19:52

the same level as what they're doing to you Like

19:54

, when you ghost someone , you're not being as upfront

19:56

as you should be , you're not communicating effectively

19:59

, you're not doing certain things

20:01

that like , yes , technically it

20:03

would be nice for you to do that , but at least you're ending

20:06

things you know , like

20:08

at least it's over . And

20:10

I , honestly I feel like for some people

20:12

, ghosting is the only way to move

20:14

on . Like

20:17

I think that , again , it's really hard when you have been holding

20:19

out hope that this person could change

20:21

. You have been like maybe at some point

20:23

they will want to be in a relationship

20:25

with me . But , like , once you realize that

20:28

they're breadcrumbing you , that is a inherently

20:30

deceitful , dishonest thing that they're doing . Toumbing you , that is a inherently deceitful , dishonest

20:32

thing that they're doing to you . I think that , like

20:34

, you need to just make the choice to move

20:36

on . And if , again , if you don't feel

20:38

like you're someone who will be able to , like , sit down

20:40

and have a conversation with the person , or

20:43

, honestly , if you feel like , even if

20:45

you did have the conversation with them , they wouldn't

20:47

really like nothing would change , then

20:50

just ending it is probably for

20:52

the best for you and for them . Honestly

20:54

, because , again , like when someone's breadcrumbing

20:56

you , usually it's because they're just too much

20:58

of a chicken to break up with you or to

21:00

ghost you . So you're kind of doing them

21:02

a favor too by just

21:05

ending it . Another quote from this article that I

21:07

loved says ghosting cuts

21:09

off all communication , while breadcrumbing

21:11

perpetuates unhealthy communication . So

21:14

, again , with ghosting it's more like

21:16

yeah , there's a lack of communication

21:18

and a lot of people believe that

21:20

the mature thing to do is to communicate

21:23

, but with breadcrumbing you

21:25

are continuously engaging

21:27

in unhealthy communication . Again

21:29

, ghosting really sucks . I

21:31

don't feel like I've

21:33

ever actually been completely

21:36

ghosted , but I can imagine that

21:38

it's really hard because you don't really get that

21:41

closure that you might get if you have

21:43

a conversation with the person . But

21:45

at least it's over

21:47

. It's like ripping the bandaid off right , whereas

21:50

breadcrumbing is like dragging it out

21:52

and dragging it on and on when

21:54

ultimately it's going to end . So

21:56

it's kind of like it's wasting both

21:59

of your time , honestly , because you

22:01

are taking time away from or time or

22:04

energy . You know that you could be spending

22:06

focusing

22:15

on finding someone who will treat you well

22:17

. You're focusing on someone who is

22:19

not communicating in a healthy way with

22:21

you . Okay , I keep finding quotes from this article

22:23

that I love . This one says ghosting is immature

22:26

, while breadcrumbing is malicious . So

22:28

again , it's like neither one of them is good . I

22:30

don't want it to sound like I'm saying like ghosting

22:32

is okay , breadcrumbing is terrible

22:34

. It's like no , they both are bad

22:36

, they're just different types of bad

22:39

. It's like , again , ghosting

22:41

is immature . Like the mature thing is

22:43

to communicate and to have a conversation

22:45

with someone , but breadcrumbing is malicious

22:47

. Breadcrumbing is purposefully misleading

22:49

someone to think that they have a chance with you or

22:51

to think that you still are interested in them , when

22:54

you know you're not . One more quote from this article

22:56

breadcrumbers justify their own behavior

22:58

while completely ignoring the toll it takes

23:00

on someone else . Like I feel like when someone

23:02

ghosts you , they probably know

23:04

that that was a shitty thing to do , but

23:06

they probably are also like I know

23:08

I don't wanna be with this person . So

23:11

I'm ultimately doing them a favor by ending

23:13

the relationship , even if I'm not ending it in

23:15

the most healthy or like mature

23:18

way , Whereas breadcrumbing

23:20

is like continuing to justify

23:22

your behavior and saying that what you're doing is okay

23:24

because you're continuing to talk to the person

23:27

even though you know that

23:29

you don't want to be with them , which again is

23:31

deceptive , it is malicious

23:34

. It is perpetuating unhealthy

23:36

communication . So let's talk about ghosting

23:38

again for a second . Again , I don't want it to sound

23:40

like I'm like downplaying how

23:43

shitty it is to be ghosted . So

23:46

, if you've been ghosted , I want to

23:48

share some advice or some tips for how

23:50

to heal and how to move on

23:53

after that . So the

23:55

first piece of advice I have is

23:58

I know

24:00

it's easier said than done , but try not to take it personally

24:02

. Try not to , like you

24:05

know , spend a lot

24:07

of time and energy thinking like why

24:09

did they do that ? Oh , it must be something I did

24:11

. There must be something wrong with me

24:13

that this person ghosted me . Like

24:16

, what's wrong with me ? Why

24:18

? Why did they do do this ? It's more beneficial

24:21

for you to think about it as

24:23

, like this is about them , it's not about me

24:25

. If someone is choosing to ghost me , it's

24:28

about their own immaturity , it's about their

24:30

inability to have

24:32

a mature , healthy

24:35

communication style and

24:37

it has nothing to do with me . You , you know . And

24:39

yeah , I just would like advise you to like

24:42

really try not to carry that into your

24:44

next dating and relationships , because it's

24:47

not about you , it's really not like . That

24:49

person made a choice , it affected you

24:51

and it sucks that they ghosted you , but like

24:53

it's not a negative reflection on

24:55

you and who you are or on your

24:57

ability to find a good

25:00

, loving , healthy relationship

25:02

in the future , kind of along those lines . I

25:04

feel like it could be easy to

25:07

you know after you've been ghosted , have

25:09

this mindset of all or nothing or black

25:11

and white thinking . Like all men suck

25:13

, or women or people , whoever you

25:15

date , like everyone sucks , everyone

25:18

I date is going to ghost

25:20

me . Like you know , I should just

25:22

not even try to date anymore because obviously

25:24

there's something wrong with me because they ghosted me

25:27

and blah , blah . Like really try to

25:29

avoid that , because I

25:31

genuinely believe you will find someone you know

25:33

. Just because you were ghosted by someone

25:35

again , it has more to do with them than you

25:37

and that

25:39

doesn't mean you're going to get ghosted again and if you do

25:41

, you will recover again . You will regain

25:44

your confidence . You will remember that it's not

25:46

about you , it's about them . So , yeah , really try

25:48

not to like , let it like , sour your

25:50

view on dating and relationships

25:53

in general just

25:55

because you did have that one negative experience

25:58

. And then I guess my next piece of advice would

26:00

be and this might sound counterintuitive

26:02

, because I just was talking about like it's not

26:04

about you , but , like

26:06

I said earlier , with the breadcrumbing thing

26:09

, like it might be good to do

26:11

some self-reflection and to think about like

26:13

is there something that I could

26:15

work on within myself to prevent myself

26:17

from being ghosted in the future , especially

26:19

if maybe you have been ghosted multiple

26:21

times Again ? It's not you , it's

26:24

not I'm not asking you to blame yourself or

26:26

feel shame around it , but you can

26:28

kind of start to think about like this seems

26:30

to be a pattern in my life . I seem to

26:32

attract people into my life who do

26:35

not have healthy communication styles

26:37

. Why might that be ? You know , maybe

26:39

it's something with from your childhood and

26:41

or like attachment styles , like I mentioned earlier

26:43

. Maybe it's trauma related

26:47

, you know . And really working

26:49

on that , like focusing on what you

26:51

can control , you can control working

26:54

on your own mental health and

26:56

self love and confidence

26:58

and self-esteem and all those different areas

27:01

. You can choose to start

27:03

seeing a therapist or , you

27:05

know , just doing the work on

27:07

yourself so that you feel confident

27:10

in yourself and even though being

27:12

ghosted is not your fault , you

27:14

will maybe feel more confident moving forward

27:16

in dating and relationships if you feel like you've done

27:18

that inner work . So I wanted to end with some

27:20

general advice , some journaling prompts

27:23

that you could work through , whether you've

27:25

been ghosted or breadcrumbed , and

27:27

you're kind of ready to do that self-reflection

27:30

and that work for yourself . So

27:32

here are a few self-reflection

27:35

journaling prompts . I want you to fill in the blank

27:37

. Someone has breadcrumbed me , slash

27:40

, ghosted me and as a result

27:42

of that experience , I have become

27:45

blank . How has this experience

27:47

made you stronger ? Or

27:49

how has this experience caused you

27:51

to learn something about yourself , or

27:53

learn something about what you want

27:55

or what you don't want in relationships , or

27:57

caused you to become more

27:59

self-aware or more loving

28:02

towards yourself Not to be like toxic

28:04

positivity , but like what is a positive

28:06

thing that has come out of you

28:08

experiencing this breadcrumbing or ghosting

28:11

. Okay , the next prompt I want

28:13

you to think about or journal about is

28:15

list the people in your life who

28:17

are committed to you or

28:19

who do display healthy communication

28:22

with you , people who have

28:24

always been there for you , who are not

28:26

flaky or not giving

28:28

you mixed signals . Maybe it's your

28:30

best friend or your

28:33

parents , a family member . Finding gratitude

28:35

for the people in your life

28:38

who are there for you

28:40

and are displaying these qualities that you would

28:42

hope to find in a romantic partner

28:44

and just really like remind

28:47

yourself that you do have people in your life who

28:49

do treat you well and who don't deceive

28:51

you and they don't breadcrumb you , they don't

28:53

ghost you like , they're there for you , and maybe

28:55

even think about some of the qualities that those people have

28:57

and how you could try to find

29:00

those qualities in a

29:02

future romantic partner . I

29:04

hope this episode was helpful for you all

29:06

. I enjoyed talking about this . As

29:08

always , I feel like I learned some new things

29:10

from just googling and reading some

29:13

articles about breadcrumbing and ghosting

29:15

. I had never really thought about the idea of , like how

29:17

breadcrumbing is actually

29:19

more deceitful and more malicious

29:21

than ghosting is . So

29:24

, yeah , I hope you all learned a few new

29:26

things or maybe have had some new

29:28

insights . If you have been ghosted or breadcrumbed

29:31

, I would love to hear aInstagramnd stories

29:33

. Feel free to reach out @shamelesslyshelly Instagram

29:49

and TikTok , so feel free to reach out to me

29:51

on there . I would love to hear your stories and experiences

29:53

around being breadcrumbed or ghosted . So

29:56

yeah , I will talk to you all in

29:58

the next

30:15

episode . Rate and review the podcast so it can

30:17

reach other people who need it . Follow

30:19

us on Instagram and TikTok at Situationship

30:22

to Soulmate and feel free to shoot me an email

30:24

at Situationship to Soulmate at gmailcom

30:26

. See you next time .