0:00

Ever. Try a buckwheat pillow. They are

0:02

nothing like those fluffy clouds that most

0:04

of us are used to. You know

0:06

that feeling when your pillow seems to

0:08

betray you and it collapses under the

0:10

weight of your head? And no matter

0:12

what you do, you can't fix it?

0:14

Well, Hello Pillow is here to change

0:17

that. They sent me one and it's

0:19

pretty unique. Even Rudy my cat, likes

0:21

it and you can try it out

0:23

to and get a discount with the

0:25

code. Power Hullo Pillow supports your head

0:27

and neck, unlike those flimsy pillows that

0:29

leave you feeling like. You've been in

0:31

a wrestling match all night and forget

0:33

about flipping to the cool side constantly.

0:36

Hello Pillow stays cool and dry, making

0:38

sweaty nights a thing of your past,

0:40

and you can customize your comfort, add

0:42

or remove the filling to get the

0:45

perfect fit for you. Try it for

0:47

sixty nights risk free and if it's

0:49

not your gym, you just ship it

0:51

back for a refund. So go to

0:54

hullopillow.com/power for up to twenty dollars off

0:56

per pillow when you buy multiple pillows

0:58

plus free shipping on every order. Again,

1:01

that's hullo H

1:03

U L L

1:05

L pillow.com/power. Tired.

1:08

Of your gut feeling like it's

1:10

been through more drama than a

1:12

reality tv show. Say goodbye to

1:15

the chaos and hello to a

1:17

good that's as peaceful as a

1:19

zen garden with symbiotic plus from

1:21

Ritual let's be Real Alcohol turns

1:23

your got into a wild roller

1:25

ride, leaving you feeling more queasy

1:28

than thrilled. Say goodbye to the

1:30

gop battles and inflammation wars and

1:32

with twenty five percent off with

1:34

the code power at is and

1:36

great excuse to give. Your gut,

1:38

the teal see that it deserves. So

1:41

whether you're starting your day with a

1:43

green smoothie, were heading up your favorites

1:45

Derbys for a coffee. Make sure to

1:47

add symbiotic plus to your daily routine.

1:49

There's no more shame in your gut

1:51

game. Symbiotic plus and Ritual are here

1:54

to celebrate, not hide your insides. Get

1:56

twenty five percent off your first month

1:58

for a limited time. ritual.com/power.

2:03

One. Is my biggest struggles and early

2:05

sobriety was falling asleep and even now

2:07

years in some Mc brain is just

2:09

too active and to anxious to rest.

2:12

This used to cause a lot of

2:14

stress for me by now. I take

2:16

Tennessee before bed and it helps me

2:18

relax and get to sleep. My husband

2:21

has even said that he has never

2:23

seen me sleep deeper. As a former

2:25

scientist, I appreciate the Nazis commitment to

2:27

science and research. They provided a two

2:30

point five million dollar grant to Middle

2:32

Tennessee State University. To study the hemp

2:34

plant this team of scientists discovered to

2:36

nazis one of a kind patent pending.

2:38

C B D C B D A Formula.

2:41

Studies show that it's twice as

2:43

effective as C B D alone and

2:45

five percent of all revenue. As for

2:47

them, back to the university to

2:49

support ongoing research. If you're struggling

2:51

with anxiety or trouble sleeping than I

2:54

encourage you to give Canarsie a try.

2:56

It comes in a variety of

2:58

different forms, like a lotion, soft,

3:00

joel's dummies, tinctures, and drink concentrates. I've

3:02

been using the tincture before bed. Go

3:05

to canarsie.com and use the code

3:07

power to get twenty five percent

3:09

off. That's T A N A

3:11

S. I and.com to get twenty

3:13

five percent off your first

3:15

order with the promo code power.

3:18

My greatest shame the moment.

3:20

That should have been my

3:22

rock bottom. But. Was and

3:24

honestly I never thought that I

3:26

would share this story, but I

3:28

realized recently that this story doesn't

3:30

have any power over me anymore.

3:32

Shame was a big problem for

3:34

me during my drinking and when

3:36

I got sober. I. Thought that

3:38

I would never get over it. I

3:40

had bad memories play like movies in

3:42

my head and I had no control

3:44

over one. It happened and I couldn't

3:46

make it stop once it started. In.

3:49

This episode I'm telling the full

3:51

story of my greatest shame and

3:53

tips for how you can move

3:55

forward. From your own A

3:57

for memory of student. Hundred

4:21

episodes. And whether this is the

4:23

first episode that you've ever listen

4:25

to, or you've listened to all

4:27

two hundred, or somewhere in between

4:29

them. and thank you for being

4:32

here, I really appreciate you listening.

4:34

I appreciate your support. I appreciate

4:36

your nice reviews and comments. I

4:38

like to do something special for

4:40

my milestone episodes, so I thought

4:42

that we could have story time

4:45

today and I want to tell

4:47

you the story of my greatest

4:49

shame. So let's set the scene.

4:51

I was twenty eight. And. Working

4:53

in the city, my brother and

4:55

I were going to see Ghost

4:57

in concert which was his favorite

5:00

band at the time. Neither of

5:02

us had ever seen them before

5:04

and I knew that my brother

5:06

was so excited for the show.

5:08

Unfortunately, my company's holiday party was

5:10

on the same day so I

5:12

thought I'll just go to the

5:14

party for an hour and then

5:16

girl with my brother. Any you

5:18

are probably imagining what happens next

5:20

if you know about my story.

5:23

Then you know, I quit drinking

5:25

at Twenty nine. So I was

5:27

in the worst part of my

5:29

drinking care. I had unintentionally started

5:31

chugging drinks at this point. It

5:33

wasn't something that I consciously thought

5:35

about, it was just the way

5:37

that I drink. So at the

5:39

company holiday party, I drank three

5:41

glasses of wine in one hour.

5:43

And when you're kind of buzzed

5:45

and you're pouring more wine, sometimes

5:47

we either over or underestimate the

5:49

weight of the bottle and we

5:51

kind of poor it. Weird, you

5:53

know? And I mean I saw

5:56

someone observe mean doing this And

5:58

I saw the surprised. Look on

6:00

his face and I was so ashamed.

6:02

So I met up with my brother

6:04

and we went to dinner and shared

6:07

a bottle of wine. I love my

6:09

brother, she's a best friend. always has

6:11

been always will but he was a

6:13

drug pusher when we hung out. I'm

6:15

not sure why because he actually barely

6:17

drinks. The only time he ever really

6:19

did was when he was with me.

6:22

I had only plan on sharing one

6:24

bottle and then not drinking at the

6:26

concert. But as you probably know, how

6:28

often do we really follow. Through with

6:30

our moderation plans. So unfortunately we've

6:33

shown to the bottle before dinner

6:35

arrived so you can have dinner

6:38

without wind. So he decided to

6:40

get a second bottle and then

6:42

we can't allow him to. So

6:45

I had three glasses of wine

6:47

in one hour at the company

6:49

party, and then an entire bottle

6:52

of wine to myself at dinner

6:54

with my brother. and maybe like

6:57

ninety minutes, you may be starting

6:59

to cringe. That's almost two.

7:02

Bottles. Of wine in two and

7:04

a half hours. I'm a little

7:06

lady. I can not drink that

7:08

much that quickly. And. Really like

7:11

that was my limit overall before

7:13

bad things started happening to me,

7:15

but I don't want to give

7:17

any spoilers for the story. So.

7:19

By the time we got to the

7:21

concert. I. Was destroyed. The

7:23

show started and I thought

7:25

I was gonna die. We.

7:28

Were in the Boston Opera House to

7:30

which is a very big fancy venue.

7:32

not like we're at the Palladium or

7:34

something if you know the area. I

7:36

told my brother and that I had

7:38

to go to the bathroom and I

7:40

last saw this was a really big

7:42

then he like I said and we

7:44

were in the back of it. And.

7:46

It was leveled so I had to

7:49

walk down what felt like a hundred

7:51

flights of stairs and by this time

7:53

I realized I was gonna be sick.

7:55

I. Tried to calmly go down the

7:57

stairs on my way to Guy in

8:00

the back, the room at the opera

8:02

house and as I got to the

8:04

last flight of stairs that was going

8:06

down into the main lobby, I stretched

8:08

my leg out to take the first

8:11

step. And. My brain clicked

8:13

off. I must have just

8:15

dropped. I came to

8:18

probably only one second later

8:20

and I was humbling down

8:23

the stairs. I

8:25

don't remember the falling part,

8:27

I just remember the tumbling.

8:29

So I rolled down the

8:31

entire staircase into the main

8:33

lobby of the Boston Opera

8:35

House into a huge crowd

8:37

of people. They were so

8:40

concerned and they came over to check

8:42

on me to see if I was

8:44

okay, but they must have recoiled a

8:46

little bit when they saw my face

8:48

and saw how drunk I was in

8:51

my googly eyes and the sweaty mess

8:53

in the redness. I. Was that

8:55

girl? That. Showed up to

8:57

the concert drunk. It has literally

8:59

just started. Like the people in

9:01

the lobby hadn't even found their

9:03

seats yet. I was that girl.

9:06

So. I pace myself up as quickly

9:08

as possible and I ran to

9:10

the bathroom and I died in

9:13

there for an hour at least

9:15

throwing up over and over and

9:17

over and my brother was texting

9:19

me and calling me trying to

9:21

find me he didn't know where

9:23

I. When I didn't tell him

9:25

that I was going to the

9:27

bathroom to throw up, I just

9:29

told him I'd be right back.

9:31

and then I just never came

9:33

back and wasn't answering my phone.

9:35

So eventually it stopped. And I

9:37

was trying to pick myself up. To.

9:40

Go see my brother who I knew

9:42

was very mad at me and then

9:44

I drop my person the toilet Just

9:46

to add to it my brother was

9:49

pissed and it's actually and night that

9:51

we have never spoken about ever again.

9:53

But I don't think he holds a

9:56

grudge and I have actually had the

9:58

opportunity to take him. The Ghost two

10:00

more times since that time I am

10:03

actually like always on the lookout for

10:05

concerts and I think say he would

10:07

like because I feel like I need

10:09

to make it up to him. And

10:12

the last time that we went was pretty

10:14

recent and we had an amazing time. So

10:16

I feel like I've finally redeem myself. I

10:19

remember after I got home I

10:21

looked at my bruises I had

10:23

so many bruises I was actually

10:26

pretty. Her and I had the

10:28

last see red swollen eyes and

10:30

I looked at myself in the

10:32

mirror like what the frick. And

10:35

I saw it. How can you keep. Doing.

10:38

This to yourself. And

10:40

then I tried to reach out. I

10:42

told a friend who had been struggling

10:44

with her drinking too. But. To

10:46

she was really not in a place

10:48

to help me other people that are

10:51

actively suffering can't support as they can

10:53

even help themselves in that moment. So

10:55

I continued to isolate and do it

10:57

on my own and I genuinely believes

10:59

that I was the biggest loser that

11:01

had ever existed. I. Thought that

11:03

my relationship with my brother was

11:06

destroyed and I sought shame for

11:08

ruining the first time he ever

11:10

saw his favorite band and concert.

11:12

I carried a shame privately and

11:15

my heart. Until. I was,

11:17

I think close to a year silver.

11:19

So. Over two years

11:21

after this moment happened, I

11:24

finally told my husband. And

11:27

he was like that said that sir

11:29

great a shame like he thought it

11:31

was gonna be this whole big thing

11:33

and then months later I told my

11:35

therapist which was really scary because I

11:37

thought she was in can like me

11:39

anymore if I told her. So.

11:41

I'm sharing this story now

11:44

because I actually realize this

11:46

morning. That. I don't carry

11:48

the shame anymore and I want

11:51

you to feel hope that you

11:53

won't carry your shame forever either.

11:55

It took me years to recover

11:57

from the shame of the store.

12:00

Are you going broke My brand new phone

12:03

that night? I crack the back of it

12:05

and every time I looked at my Sony

12:07

was a reminder of what had happened. I

12:10

finally got a new phone recently five

12:12

years later and assault so freeing to

12:15

get rid of it. Now.

12:17

When I look back, I don't

12:19

feel shame. I still cringe, Obviously

12:21

because man, that is quite a

12:24

story. But. Mostly I just

12:26

feel so. Overwhelmingly.

12:29

Sad for myself that I had to

12:31

go through all of that. I

12:33

feel sad that after that happened,

12:35

I continued to drink and stay

12:38

in the cycle for another eleven

12:40

months, although I did have a

12:42

break in their if you know

12:44

my story. But I was in

12:46

the cycle for eleven more months

12:48

and every time I messed up

12:50

which was at least weekly, I

12:52

shamed myself for not being able

12:54

to stop and for being a

12:56

loser. And when I finally quit,

12:58

a shame myself because my greatest

13:00

shame should have been my rock

13:03

bottom. Basically, A little at a

13:05

Shame. And now after everything that

13:07

I've learned and all the information

13:09

that I've taught you across the

13:11

past two hundred episodes, I'm able

13:14

to feel empathy and compassion for

13:16

myself. It's really sad and unfortunate

13:18

that so many things aligned all

13:20

at once to create that bad

13:23

night. And it's sad that that

13:25

night of humiliation and shame wasn't

13:27

enough to shock me out of

13:29

denial. It's sad that I suffered

13:31

for another eleven months. So. Why

13:34

am I sharing the story with you that

13:36

I saw that I would never share?

13:38

Because I hope you're thinking wow, poor Jill,

13:40

I cannot believe that happened to her.

13:42

And I hope that you don't think I'm

13:44

a loser. For my greatest shame, I

13:46

hope you're surprised because you have a good

13:49

opinion of me. And if I'm not

13:51

a loser for tumbling down the stairs at

13:53

the Boston Opera House and then throwing

13:55

up in the bathroom for an hour and

13:57

ruining the cancer for my brother. Why

14:00

are you a loser for the

14:02

things that you did? If you

14:04

do the work consistently then you

14:06

will let go of your shame

14:08

too and it may take you

14:10

years. but you'll be able to

14:12

see the story differently and forgive

14:14

yourself. When we hear other people's

14:16

experiences we can find empathy and

14:18

understanding for them and for us.

14:20

And I'm also sharing the story

14:22

because I want you to know

14:24

the horrible memories that you have

14:26

an all the pain that you

14:28

carry can unless in overtime. If

14:31

you say said. I've heard from a

14:33

lot of people that they choose not

14:35

to go to therapy, not to join

14:37

a community, not to go to a

14:40

meeting or nazi get sober because they

14:42

can't cope with their past. Some things

14:44

are really horrible. The deal as and

14:46

I'm sorry that you have those things,

14:48

but we can spend the rest of

14:51

our lives avoiding. It and suffering.

14:53

Because of bad or border or we

14:55

can face it and move through a

14:57

to the other side. Avoiding things keeps

15:00

the stuck in the pain for ever

15:02

and it's easier to avoid and suffer

15:04

forever. Men it is to face it,

15:07

work on it and learn skills to

15:09

cope with it. but the work is

15:11

worth it. I spent my life being

15:14

controlled by shame, bad memories and regrets

15:16

and now I'm not. You might have

15:18

your own great a shame that keeps

15:20

popping into your head at random times.

15:23

And making you miserable. But imagine if

15:25

you could get to where I met

15:27

with mine or it's just a factual

15:29

story. That. Sure, maybe has

15:31

a little bit of cringe, but it

15:34

has no moral value at all. I

15:36

talked about the Science of Shame and

15:38

Episode eighty seven if you're interested, but

15:40

some people are more prone to shame

15:42

and others so if you're more prone

15:44

to shame then it's gonna be a

15:47

bit tougher for you. I'm very shame

15:49

prone, that's why it took me so

15:51

long. So here's what Help me. I.

15:53

Shared a Shame. I shared shame stories

15:56

one I could with my therapist with

15:58

my husband, my friend the and people

16:00

an online sober communities shame thrives on.

16:02

We keep it a secret and what

16:04

helped me the most with this to

16:07

was realizing that once a told the

16:09

story I never had to tell that

16:11

person ever again. We could just refer

16:13

to it as my great A Shame

16:16

or the Story about Barcelona or whatever.

16:18

The story can have a title and

16:20

you both know what it is and

16:22

you never have to get into it.

16:25

I also worked on building self esteem

16:27

and confidence the more that you like

16:29

yourself. The. Easier it is to

16:31

not let shameful memories be a

16:33

morality problem as soon as you've

16:35

truly changed. Of course would started

16:38

my. Self Esteem journey was keeping

16:40

a promise to myself every day

16:42

that I wouldn't drink. If you're

16:44

not keeping this promise and it's

16:46

difficult for you to build self

16:48

esteem so you need to start

16:50

their and I also did not

16:52

allow myself to ruminate. Summons.

16:55

I can't help it because like I

16:57

said in the beginning the shame hits

16:59

the like a movie and sometimes there's

17:01

no pause button But I force myself

17:03

to either tell my husband I'm thinking

17:05

of bad things which he knows is

17:07

code for i'm stuck in a shame

17:09

spiral or I forced myself to get

17:11

up and do something soon term shame

17:13

memories pop into my head the moment

17:15

that I wake up and I have

17:17

no control over it. But what I

17:19

do is I made myself get out

17:21

of bed and I go feed my

17:23

cat Rudy. Who? You've probably heard

17:26

meowing in recent episodes so I

17:28

distract myself and then the movie

17:30

stops. If you're struggling was shame

17:32

about your drinking and please now

17:34

that it will pass, the more

17:36

that you stay consistent with the

17:38

work and getting support, it can

17:40

be really helpful to get around

17:42

people who understand your experiences and

17:44

have their own shame to share.

17:46

This is why meetings are so

17:49

helpful. So if you haven't found

17:51

a community at than I hope

17:53

you'll come check out my community.

17:55

You can get more info in the show

17:57

notes and I also really encourage you to.

18:00

Into Therapy because the therapist can

18:02

help you learn skills to combat

18:04

the shame and to build your

18:06

self esteem. So thank you for

18:08

listening to however many episodes you've

18:10

listened to. I hope they'll check

18:12

out all two hundred because they

18:14

all build on each other. So

18:16

if you want the full picture

18:18

about the science of alcohol, an

18:20

addiction and go listen to all

18:22

two hundred. And here's. To. Two

18:24

hundred more episodes and I'll talk to

18:26

you in. The next one. Addiction

18:50

impacts Barnabas. Addictions consequences run through

18:52

all of us from ourselves to

18:54

or loved ones to our communities.

18:57

Addiction Free. So much loss and

18:59

grief. my name is Duane article

19:01

in the Hosts Be Addict My

19:03

podcast show featuring personal stories, expert

19:05

at information about addiction and addiction

19:08

recovery will talk with leading treatment

19:10

providers to discuss the latest research

19:12

and treatment options for this devastating

19:14

disease and advocate for middle awareness.

19:17

We discuss topics like the importance

19:19

of creating. A community of support to

19:21

helping loved ones to some of the

19:23

latest research on psychedelic medicines. Typically my

19:25

podcast has been about creating hope to

19:28

see the story, the many amazing people

19:30

that have overcome addiction and are thriving.

19:32

If you are a loved one is

19:34

struggling with addiction, subscribe to the Addicted

19:36

My Podcast wherever you get your podcast

19:39

or check out the addictive mind.com New

19:41

episodes every Monday. Fear There.