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You're listening to Stan Tall and Own it

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, the podcast for high performing

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female leaders who are ready to make an impact

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by discovering the safety that comes from

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understanding their own value and

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exercising their own authority . I'm

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your host , Andrea Johnson , and I'm here to

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tell you it is time to just

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truly be you , my strong friend . It's

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time to Stan Tall and Own

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it . Hey

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, welcome to another episode of Stan Tall and Own

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it . I am your host , andrea Johnson , and

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I have what might be considered

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an unpopular opinion . It's

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not necessarily something that people are going to throw out there

0:38

as a conversation starter , but

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if I say it this way , it might be . I

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think that unexamined , unrealized

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and uncommunicated expectations

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are the source of 90%

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of your disappointment . I

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know it's a big number 90% . It's

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not really backed up by data other than I

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know what I've been through and I see

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what happens with my clients , my friends , my

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family , my community on

1:03

a daily basis . So what

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I want to talk about today is expectations

1:09

. What are they for ? Why

1:11

do we have them ? And we'll walk through a couple of things

1:13

. I'll tell you in a minute , like literally . There's like three

1:16

main points here that I want you to see

1:18

because , once we understand this

1:20

aspect of how we function

1:22

and how our brains work and how our

1:24

conditioning is put together and how we've

1:26

been conditioned for all our lives , we

1:28

can actually make a difference immediately

1:31

. It's like something that can really flip a

1:33

switch . So every day

1:35

, I get up and I do a Google form that's

1:37

basically a morning mindset and I have several

1:39

questions that I answer , and one of them says

1:41

what could possibly trip me up today

1:44

and what could I do

1:46

to either prevent it or how could I

1:48

talk to myself in a way that would help

1:50

me get out of it or understand it . So

1:52

what I'm basically asking myself on a daily basis

1:55

is what are my expectations

1:57

for the day ? What is

1:59

my expectation for my relationships today

2:02

? What are my expectations for the

2:04

outcomes , the things that I'm going to get done

2:06

? This is where my to-do list comes in . What

2:08

are my expectations for how my work is going to

2:10

go or my life experiences

2:13

? And I need you to understand that

2:15

this podcast is not . This episode

2:17

is not about managing my expectations

2:20

. That question is not about managing my expectations

2:22

. That question is about helping me uncover

2:25

them and knowing what they are

2:27

, because managing expectations is extremely

2:29

important , but what we mean by that is very

2:32

different than what I think a lot of people present

2:34

it as . This is also not a podcast

2:36

about lowering your expectations

2:38

, and we'll talk about that later as well . It's

2:41

about recognizing what your expectations

2:43

are , why you have them and

2:45

where they show up . So first is recognizing

2:47

your expectations . Second , I

2:49

want you to understand how you do or do

2:52

not communicate them to yourself

2:54

or to others , right , how

2:56

I talk to myself about my expectations and how

2:58

I communicate my expectations to others . And

3:01

third , we're going to look at how you employ

3:03

them for benefit and

3:05

I know that sounds really controversial . This

3:08

is not manipulation , I promise , and when I

3:10

get there you'll totally be like , oh , I

3:12

totally get that , but

3:15

we're releasing this episode in

3:17

very real time . As far as

3:19

the need for examination of expectations

3:22

is concerned , in the US

3:24

, here we're releasing this in the week of Thanksgiving , so

3:26

it's the Monday before Thanksgiving . And

3:28

here's what I love about

3:31

the holiday season is that it's not just a few

3:33

holidays . If you really wanted

3:35

to have a good time and celebrate

3:37

a bunch of holidays , you could , because , depending

3:40

on what statistic you look at , between

3:42

mid-November and mid-January there are a minimum

3:45

of eight to 10 religious

3:47

slash cultural holidays right

3:49

, depending on your cultural background , your religious

3:52

background or affiliation . There's at least

3:54

eight to 10 that you could or could

3:56

not participate in . It just depends . Majority

3:59

of those are with family . A

4:02

lot of them mean that there's stress

4:05

in taking time off from work . I

4:07

have a friend who says I don't like taking time off because when

4:09

I come back there's always messes to clean up , right , so it

4:11

gives you less time to finish your work . It means

4:13

we're also in the time

4:15

of year where in the Northern Hemisphere the

4:19

light gets less and less every day

4:21

, so the weather changes , the time

4:23

changes . I've had so many conversations with people

4:25

here in the US about how the time change

4:27

recently has just really messed with

4:29

us , and with the colder

4:31

weather or the darkness in the morning it may

4:33

be harder to exercise . And then there's all the holiday

4:36

food stuff . So this is the first

4:38

of about three episodes where we're

4:40

going to talk about the different stresses

4:42

of the holidays and how to handle them . This

4:45

is the beginning kind of laying the groundwork of expectations

4:47

and how we can look at those and

4:50

make a difference in our holiday season . So

4:53

what is an expectation ? Because

4:55

I don't want to belabor this too much

4:57

, but I really want to give you a good understanding . An

4:59

expectation is a strong belief that something

5:02

should or will happen

5:04

and potentially happen in a specific

5:07

way . So when

5:09

I shared a minute ago my daily question

5:11

, what will trip me up today ? This

5:14

is an invitation to myself

5:16

to look at whatever unexamined

5:18

expectations I might have . So

5:21

when I look at my day and I look at the things

5:23

that are on my planner or my calendar

5:26

and I say , well , I have these things that

5:28

I have to get done and these are the things that

5:30

move forward from yesterday's list and all

5:32

this stuff as if I'm

5:34

opening a briefcase with all of my to-dos

5:37

each day to see what's in there , and

5:39

then I have to look at what my expectations

5:42

might be for

5:44

all of those things that are in that briefcase . Now

5:46

, if it's a briefcase that can't even close

5:48

, or a suitcase that can't even close because things are just

5:50

like too high and it's like spewing

5:53

the vomiting stuff out of it already before

5:55

I even get to opening it , then I need to really look at that

5:57

too . There's a clue there

5:59

about what my expectation might be to

6:02

get things done . But the other thing

6:04

I want you to see here is that not

6:06

only do you have to do it daily for yourself

6:08

and pay attention to your own

6:10

expectation , but expectations

6:12

go hand in hand with understanding

6:15

your core values , with understanding your

6:17

disk wiring and with understanding your

6:19

ABCs , your assumptions , beliefs and

6:21

conditioning . And as I walk through these points

6:23

, I'm going to share that with you . So let's first

6:26

look at how . The first thing to

6:28

look at is how we recognize what

6:30

our expectations are , why

6:32

we have them and where they show up . Going

6:36

back to the benign space of my to-do

6:38

list , which there are days it doesn't feel very benign

6:40

, to be honest with you , I

6:42

believe I need to get

6:44

a lot of things done . I

6:47

am constantly

6:49

saying , well , I'm going to get this done and this done and this done

6:51

, and I've shared before how I had to leave behind

6:53

certain ways of setting goals because

6:55

it was just making me too stressed out and

6:57

believing that I couldn't . I was setting

7:00

all these goals to get things done and then I couldn't accomplish

7:02

them and then I was bashing myself about

7:04

it and et cetera . But I

7:07

believe that I can get a lot done . Therefore

7:09

, I put a lot of things on my to-do

7:11

list and if I ask myself

7:13

what could trip me up . There are days when I say there

7:15

are too many things on my to-do list and I need to

7:17

whittle that down , but I'm

7:19

also conditioned to always be

7:21

moving , always be doing something

7:24

. Some of this is my personality

7:26

, and so there is a benefit

7:28

to looking at whether or not it's a personality

7:31

trait that you're dealing with or an

7:33

expectation based on a belief or

7:35

something , but I'm conditioned

7:37

to always be

7:39

doing something productive . I've

7:42

talked before about Protestant work ethic . Right , a

7:44

lot of us have this , and

7:46

it's not okay for me to be lazy and it's

7:49

not okay for me to be doing nothing . There's no

7:51

laziness around here , right ? But

7:53

yesterday is a perfect example . See

7:55

, I've set aside November and December as

7:58

months that I will do less work in my business

8:00

. Right , I'm still recording podcasts and doing those

8:02

kinds of things , but I'm going to do more on my

8:04

business , more of a CEO . Look , getting

8:06

some structures in place , getting some certifications

8:08

in place , making sure that I have my

8:10

taxes done , and the things that will

8:13

allow my business to go forward

8:15

well . Well , because of that

8:17

, I'm pulling things off my calendar , and

8:19

yesterday was a Monday and I

8:21

had nothing on my calendar . But I

8:23

knew that I had some specific

8:26

things that I needed to get done , that I called

8:28

the wiring or the

8:30

plumbing or the insulation in

8:32

the Before I could put drywall right on

8:34

the house of my business . I had some things that I needed

8:36

to do that would fall into those categories

8:38

. But I gotta tell you , not

8:40

having a structure in my day granted

8:43

some of that's personality but not having

8:45

a specific expectation to get things done

8:47

by a specific time because I had to meet someone

8:49

on a call really threw

8:52

me for a loop . It was terrible . It

8:54

just my

8:56

friends , if they listened to this podcast episode , would

8:58

probably get a roll their eyes and say , yeah , we've heard this all before

9:00

, andrew , but it just really

9:03

threw me . I just couldn't seem to focus and

9:05

I had a hard time getting started . I blew

9:07

like two and a half

9:09

hours of my day because I could

9:11

not set my own expectations , or I had this

9:14

expectation that things would just flow really well

9:16

and they just didn't . So

9:18

that's a really good example

9:20

of recognizing what our expectations are

9:22

and how we can actually work around

9:25

them or look at where they show up . So

9:27

that's in my to-do list , but let's take it out a

9:29

little bit to my family , right ? Maybe

9:32

you have Talk about concentric

9:34

circles as we go out . Maybe you have kids

9:36

, maybe you have expectations

9:38

for how they keep the room clean I'm not talking

9:41

about anybody in my house or

9:43

the homework that they get done . Or maybe

9:45

it goes out a little further to the bigger span

9:48

of your family for the

9:50

holidays and where you spend it and how you

9:52

do certain things and what

9:54

kind of money you spend on your holidays . What

9:57

about blended families ? These are all

9:59

areas where we have huge expectations

10:01

and if we don't examine them , they will come

10:03

back to bite us right ? So I have

10:05

assumptions that my kid's going

10:07

to do his homework , but if he

10:09

doesn't , I have to deal with that . So

10:12

I have to explain to him this is an expectation

10:14

that you do your work in class , that you

10:16

do these things . This is a normal kid

10:18

right that you do your work in class , that you get them

10:20

done , or you stay for study hall and you get these things done

10:22

before you come home , before you come home

10:25

and get screen time right , or you don't get screen

10:27

time . There are expectations that are laid out , but

10:30

then I have beliefs about

10:32

specific holiday traditions , and I'm sure you do

10:34

too . There are certain things that when

10:36

you start talking about the holiday meal for

10:39

Thanksgiving let's just keep it on this particular

10:41

US holiday in this week when

10:44

you start talking about specific times

10:46

for the meal , or I talked to somebody

10:48

the other day and they said they

10:51

needed to bring a family member , like

10:54

maybe their aging mother , to their house because

10:56

their spouse , their family

10:58

, doesn't do Thanksgiving meal until seven o'clock at night

11:00

. And I'm like , oh well , I never . You know , I don't know

11:03

that my family always did it at noon . So there's

11:06

all kinds of beliefs and expectations

11:08

we have for the holidays , but when we

11:10

start taking this out to

11:12

the concentric

11:15

circles of our lives or even

11:17

up in the things that

11:19

we believe , we have to look at . What are the expectations

11:22

we have for our friendships ? What are the expectations

11:24

we have for our work or the organizations

11:27

that we are in our community ? You

11:29

know , what about expectations in church

11:31

? Specific types of music , specific

11:33

ways of doing things , whether it's superstructured

11:36

or not , what about the civic organizations

11:38

that you're involved in ? Or the political or

11:40

religious belief systems that you have ? These

11:43

are all areas that we

11:45

have expectations and if we don't

11:47

understand that

11:49

we have them . They go like I said . They go

11:51

hand in hand with our assumptions , beliefs and conditioning

11:54

. We expect certain outcomes . This

11:56

is a playing out of our core values

11:58

and our ABCs . So the

12:00

other piece is social and economic belief systems

12:02

. Right , it's like specific social norms , specific

12:05

belief systems and economic norms

12:07

, that kind of thing . But I want to remind you what

12:09

I said at the very beginning . It was that unexamined

12:12

, unrealized and uncommunicated

12:14

expectations are the source of

12:17

90% of your disappointment

12:19

. All right , so

12:21

once we examine them and

12:24

once we understand what they are

12:26

, then we can communicate them

12:28

. So the second piece here is understanding how

12:30

you do or do

12:32

not communicate them to . Are you ready

12:35

for this , yourself and

12:37

to others ? Because

12:39

here's what happens communicating your expectations

12:42

confronts and combats

12:44

your ABCs . All

12:46

right , let's talk about communicating

12:49

your expectations to yourself . Again , this goes back

12:51

to my daily to-do list , my daily question

12:54

what could trip me up today ? Well

12:57

, I have plenty of things to do

12:59

and I am conditioned to always be moving . So

13:01

I have an expectation . And if I say out

13:03

loud , andrea , you've

13:05

way too many things on your to-do list . You

13:07

cannot do them all . You need to move a few things

13:10

Now . You may not need to say

13:12

things out loud to yourself , but it's amazing

13:14

how , when we say things out loud

13:16

or type them into a form , somehow

13:19

communicate them to ourselves , we

13:21

hear them . Maybe I have an expectation

13:23

of , or you have an expectation

13:25

of , things you will say today , or the way you will

13:27

be today , or a specific type of environment

13:31

that you will create . Maybe

13:34

you have expectations of how you will look

13:36

body size , health , aging

13:39

, etc . For instance , if you've

13:41

followed me at all , you may have

13:43

noticed the change in my hair color . I

13:46

have been probably

13:48

not this gray for

13:50

the last 20 years and in March

13:53

of 2023 , I stopped coloring

13:55

my hair . I said you know , I'm just done

13:57

with this . It's exhausting . I do

13:59

it myself . I was coloring it and putting

14:01

highlights in and doing all of that . What's

14:03

interesting is that if you go back to March

14:06

, or even July

14:08

or August , you're going to still see a lot of brown

14:10

and blonde , and now what you see

14:12

is dark , gray and white , and it's very

14:14

interesting because they're in the same spots

14:17

, right . But I had this specific idea

14:19

that someone my age was supposed

14:21

to look a certain way and

14:23

I just kind of had to confront that and

14:25

say , no , I don't have

14:27

to look that way . Just because that's an expectation

14:29

doesn't mean I have to do it . But

14:32

how about we communicate to others ? If

14:35

there is an outcome or

14:37

a behavior that you are looking for

14:39

that anyone else is involved

14:41

in , they deserve

14:43

to know what those expectations are

14:46

. I cannot well

14:48

, it probably wouldn't take much , but I

14:51

was going to say I cannot tell you how many times I was

14:53

so frustrated over not meeting

14:55

an expectation in a job in

14:58

my career because

15:01

they were never explained . The

15:03

number of expectations that did not get

15:06

communicated but were , but

15:08

those of us who had responsible positions

15:10

were held responsible for was

15:12

staggering , and it was one of those

15:14

things that would just that could just send

15:17

me off the edge , right . So I had had many

15:19

a fight with a boss or a faculty

15:21

member over the fact that you may have had

15:23

that expectation but you did not communicate it

15:25

. Therefore , you can't

15:27

hold these people responsible for

15:29

it , right ? So if there , if others are

15:32

involved , if there's an outcome or a behavior

15:34

, others deserve to know what

15:37

they are . Now you can do it in a

15:39

bossy way , or you

15:41

could actually do it in a way that solicits

15:44

collaboration and even

15:46

better communication , because sometimes

15:49

, when you communicate , it may not be that you

15:51

communicate well , or other people need

15:53

to hear it in a different way . So

15:55

, before you communicate , do these things , ask

15:57

yourself this is

16:00

it realistic , is it something that

16:02

could be accomplished or should be accomplished

16:04

? Or is it ? Is it a realistic thing to

16:06

ask a 12 year old to act like an 18

16:09

year old or you know , or

16:11

an adult not to act like a child ? I mean , there's different

16:13

things , right ? Is it realistic , is

16:16

it reasonable ? Is this a reasonable

16:18

expectation ? That's a phrase that you

16:20

hear a lot . That's a reasonable expectation

16:22

, but we don't stop and think

16:24

about what it means . Having a reasonable

16:27

expectation means that it's something that's accomplishable

16:29

, that is realistic

16:32

and that actually

16:34

this is my third one is it helpful that reasonable

16:36

could actually be helpful , right ? So I

16:39

should have gotten three Rs there , but I didn't want

16:41

to take the time to look for a synonym

16:43

for helpful that might start with an R , and you're probably

16:46

thinking of one right now . But ask

16:49

yourself before you communicate those expectations

16:51

, even to yourself Are

17:46

these expectations realistic , are

17:48

they reasonable and are they helpful ? Will

17:50

they contribute to human

17:52

flourishing mine or anyone else's

17:55

? And then , when you start to communicate

17:57

them . I always start with

17:59

a very simple I

18:02

have an expectation . I need to know if this

18:04

is reasonable . Right , I think it's reasonable . Tell

18:07

me if you think this is reasonable and I

18:09

do this a lot with my son . The older he gets

18:11

, the more back and forth we have

18:13

in our conversations about these things and sometimes

18:15

he'll say , yeah , that's

18:17

fair , or that's reasonable , okay , great

18:19

, let's move forward . Or no , mom , that's

18:21

terrible . Okay , let's

18:24

talk about it and figure out what a reasonable

18:26

or good facsimile of a reasonable

18:28

exploitation might be . And we

18:30

will figure them out . But if you say

18:32

them out loud to yourself , if you think saying them

18:34

out loud to yourself helps , imagine saying

18:37

it out loud to others and how that helps you

18:39

hear it and them

18:41

hear it , because you're either going

18:43

to find that it is a reasonable and

18:46

helpful and what is

18:48

my realistic expectation ? Or

18:51

you're going to say it out loud and go , oh

18:53

, hang on , that isn't past muster , right

18:56

, that doesn't actually work . Let

18:59

me rephrase that . Or help me come up with a good

19:01

expectation for the group , right

19:03

, if it's your family and you need to

19:05

communicate that , it is my expectation . For

19:07

instance , we're having

19:09

Thanksgiving dinner . Or we're going

19:11

to my sister's house and my brother-in-law has very

19:13

specific keen once , really traditional stuff . I

19:16

don't want anything traditional . So my sister

19:18

was going to try and put 50 things on the table

19:20

and like , eh , it doesn't matter to me that much

19:22

. It matters to him . It's a reasonable expectation

19:25

for him to have the traditional meal . Let's just

19:27

do that and we'll move on right . It's not a big deal . I

19:29

don't feel that strongly about it . The

19:31

whole point here is it's all

19:34

about transparency , honesty

19:36

and good communication

19:38

. This is why it also goes hand in

19:40

hand with your disc wiring . When

19:42

you understand how you communicate and

19:44

I'll talk about this in just a second and how other

19:47

people communicate or need to be communicated

19:49

with , you can actually meet them where

19:51

they are and you can communicate better . So

19:53

the very first thing is

19:55

to remember that you've got to recognize

19:57

what your expectations are , why

19:59

you have them where they show up , and second

20:02

, you need to understand how you do or do

20:04

not communicate them to yourself and others . And

20:06

then the third piece is to understand how

20:08

we employ them for the benefit

20:11

of ourselves and others , or what I would

20:13

call human flourishing . This

20:16

is not manipulation . When

20:19

we know what is expected of us , we

20:21

can respond to it positively

20:23

or negatively . Sometimes

20:26

we do need to lower expectations . Sometimes

20:28

we do need to say , oh , I don't know that it's reasonable

20:31

for my kid to be able to get these things done

20:33

or for myself to get all

20:35

this many , 30

20:37

things done in a day . It is not

20:39

realistic and it's certainly not

20:42

helpful , because it hurts my self-esteem

20:44

when I can't get all the things done that I thought

20:46

I was supposed to get done . But what

20:48

if we need to raise our expectations

20:50

? When we know what's expected

20:53

of us , we can respond to that positively

20:55

. These athletes will

20:57

recognize the phrase or

20:59

the term we play to the level of our competition

21:02

. When I had a mentor

21:04

who used to , as soon as I would meet

21:06

an expectation or reach a level of

21:09

whatever she was mentoring me on , she

21:11

would say , all right , let's , she would just raise it

21:13

another level or whatever . And

21:15

in bless her heart , half the time she would say I'm going to pray

21:18

that I'm like , no , don't do that . Because

21:20

it's like , no , I have to do it . But

21:23

that was my own conditioning , but

21:25

still , it was just that . She was just that sweet

21:28

about all of it and I wanted

21:30

to meet her expectations and

21:32

I wanted to grow . So sometimes

21:35

we need to perform at a different level

21:37

, and so sometimes we need to , or others might need

21:39

to , perform at a different level , so we might need

21:41

to require them to do so by

21:43

telling them our expectation . It may

21:45

be that your

21:48

child or a relationship needs

21:50

to come up to a different level in order

21:52

to have a really good relationship with you , and

21:54

let's talk about that right . What

21:58

can it do ? What ? How can this help us with human flourishing

22:00

and what are the benefits of actually

22:03

employing and communicating

22:05

and sharing your expectations ? You

22:07

can build others up right , just

22:09

like my mentor was building me up . She was helping me

22:11

grow . And I have another mentor

22:14

that's a colleague and we went to a conference

22:16

a couple of weeks ago and

22:18

we got in the car first thing in the morning and

22:20

I have been conditioned to express my gratitude

22:22

and in

22:24

the disc uh table

22:27

or a disc wiring , she is a very high

22:29

D and I'm a very high I and

22:32

the D or the driver dominant person

22:34

is very bottom line , like let's just go very action-oriented

22:37

. The I is inspirational and

22:39

influencing and effusive

22:41

. I was conditioned to

22:43

express my gratitude all the time , but

22:46

I was also finding that , um

22:48

, I was kind of using that as a little bit

22:50

of a way to beat myself up because I hadn't

22:52

been doing certain things that I should

22:54

have been doing or that I could have been doing to make my

22:57

business grow faster , etc . But we

22:59

got in the car and I said I just

23:01

wanted to express one more time my gratitude

23:03

and she said stop , don't go squishy

23:05

on me , I don't need to hear this and

23:07

she very clearly laid out her expectations

23:10

for how the day was going to go . There was going to

23:12

be no groveling . There was going to be . It was

23:14

all like we're on the level playing field . We are

23:16

doing this together . This is going to be a collaborative

23:18

effort , and I needed to hear that

23:20

. She not only built me

23:22

up , but she raised my level of expectation

23:25

for myself . This is a way to

23:27

do it and now , granted , that's

23:29

not the way you do it for everybody , but she and I have known

23:31

each other since we were 15 and 16 , and

23:33

so there's a level of trust

23:36

that has been built there . And that's the second thing that

23:38

you can do when you do this is , you can build

23:40

your relationships when you

23:42

express your expectations and

23:44

meet expectations and and

23:47

collaborate within expectations

23:49

, you can build trust in your relationships

23:51

. I have another friend that I've known for a really

23:53

long time and she and I are continuing

23:56

to say hang on , we need to say these things

23:58

out loud , because a lot of times we don't . So

24:00

when we say them out loud it's like , oh well , then

24:02

we're going to agree that this is never going to be something

24:04

that we have to worry about again , right ? So it helps

24:07

you build your trust . It builds depth

24:09

in your relationships with

24:11

your children , with your family , with your co-workers

24:14

. But the other thing it builds is flexibility

24:16

, because as soon as you learn

24:18

how to express your expectations

24:21

number one you you learn that not all of

24:23

them have to be met . Number two you

24:26

learn how to change them and manage

24:28

them and sometimes adjust yours

24:30

up or down , and they

24:32

learn how to do that , and we learn how to meet each

24:34

other where we are , but then we always know

24:36

where the other person stands . So

24:38

that's where you get that trust and that

24:40

depth and flexibility in your relationships . But

24:43

the other thing it does , the third thing that

24:45

employing them or being very clear

24:47

about your expectation does for you is it

24:49

reduces stress . Right , we

24:52

are in the US . This is the

24:54

releasing the Monday of Thanksgiving and we're

24:56

looking at the rest of the holiday season all the way

24:58

through the middle of January . When

25:01

we understand our own expectations

25:04

and how we communicate them

25:06

, it reduces our stress level . Now

25:08

it might cause a confrontation , but

25:12

sometimes that's needed right in order for

25:14

things to get out in the open . It's like getting

25:16

a splinter out of your skin . It takes

25:18

a little while , but once you do , it feels really good . It

25:21

hurts in the meantime , but it feels really good . Um

25:23

, I'm not saying to express your expectations

25:26

at the Thanksgiving table or at any other

25:28

holiday meal necessarily

25:30

. Maybe beforehand , or maybe

25:32

look at them this year and figure out how you want to communicate

25:34

them throughout the next year so

25:36

that the the following holiday

25:38

meal or holiday gathering is less

25:40

stressful , based on your own expectations

25:43

. Now I have homework

25:45

for you . You need

25:47

. You need to do this

25:50

before you do other

25:52

stuff . So if it's , if you start with just

25:54

yourself daily , because

25:56

this is literally looking at

25:58

your expectations . This confronts your

26:01

abc's . This confronts it helps you

26:03

see your core values . It helps you understand

26:05

your disc wiring . All of these things are

26:07

connected . So the homework

26:09

that I have for you is daily . Look , ask

26:11

yourself the question what might trip me up

26:13

today and why , and

26:15

what can I do to

26:18

help myself get past

26:20

that ? That's your first one . The

26:23

second one is what

26:25

are the different types of expectations that you have

26:27

and where do they come from

26:29

? Right , are

26:32

they conditioning ? Are they

26:34

belief system , are they

26:36

assumptions ? Are they your disquiring

26:39

? Are they your core values or principle

26:41

that you live by ? You need to know

26:43

what your different types of expectations

26:45

are and where they come from , and this is on a bigger scale

26:47

. And then , third is how will you employ

26:50

them , communicate them and employ

26:52

them today and throughout the next

26:54

month or so , or throughout , let's say , the holiday

26:56

season , because we're looking at like two or

26:58

three here that are based on helping us

27:00

reduce stress for the holidays . How

27:02

will you use and employ

27:05

your expectations for yourself and for

27:07

others to actually help reduce

27:09

stress ? Because adjusting

27:11

just adjusting them right , not

27:13

communicating them and only adjusting

27:15

your expectations , will lead to frustration

27:18

and resentment and bitterness . Please

27:20

don't do that . Let's don't do that

27:22

. You need to be willing to examine

27:24

, understand and identify your

27:26

expectations , both for yourself

27:28

and for others , and then

27:31

communicate them in ways that will lead to human

27:33

flourishing . You need to understand

27:36

you and your core values

27:38

. It's so important . You need

27:40

to understand your own disquiring and

27:42

your assumptions , beliefs and conditioning

27:44

, because as you do this work , it's all

27:47

connected , every single

27:49

bit of it . I hope this was helpful for

27:51

you . I'd love to hear from you . First

27:53

, you want to scroll down if you're listening to this , especially

27:56

in Apple Podcasts ? Scroll down or scroll

27:58

to the top and hit that follow button , because the

28:00

next couple of episodes are going to

28:02

also be in relation to stress

28:04

for the holidays , different family systems

28:06

and different traditions , food

28:09

and exercise , et cetera . But

28:11

I'd also I would love to hear from you Give us a review

28:13

, give us a five star review , if you're willing , and

28:16

tell us what you think , or DM

28:18

me on social media . I'm pretty active on LinkedIn

28:20

and Instagram . Email me at

28:22

Andrea at theintentionaloptimistcom

28:24

. Hit reply on the newsletter

28:27

if when you get that and ask me questions

28:29

, or you can hit

28:31

the link in the show notes and go straight to the

28:33

links page and sign up for the newsletter . And

28:35

, of course , if you're not watching this on YouTube and

28:38

you'd rather see all my silly faces and

28:40

all of my big gestures , feel

28:42

free to click the link in the show notes and

28:44

go over there and subscribe to that

28:46

channel as well . But

28:48

here's to you understanding

28:51

your own expectations

28:53

of yourself and others and communicating

28:55

them well for human flourishing

28:58

. Until next time , my friend , here's

29:01

to standing tall and owning it . Come

29:09

later today .