0:00

Shutter and behold. A

0:07

ruined way's land of

0:09

scored rock and barren

0:11

earth. Who

0:14

knows what ruin came

0:17

to this forsaken place.

0:20

Thank you. Who well, as I was

0:22

saying, who knows where ruin came to this forsaken

0:25

place? But

0:27

the earth was scorched.

0:30

The bones of this land laid

0:32

bare. And

0:34

when the doom came, all

0:37

that was left were Give

0:44

it over the good.

1:18

Well, I'm gonna turn it over to the wonderful

1:21

macaroni. Hi, everybody. Welcome.

1:25

Welcome the adventure zone. Dadlands.

1:29

Adjust the Mac or original concept. I

1:32

have to say that because I was gonna turn it into

1:34

a you novel and I never

1:37

I this kinda ruined that for me. And

1:39

it's the only great idea. This is post

1:41

apocalyptic wasteland that we created the rules

1:43

for as almost on a dare

1:45

sort of -- Yeah. -- and it along with

1:47

Keith Baker and Janelle's of 2 studios.

1:49

They turned it into a real game. They made our board game

1:51

too. They turned it into a real game. And

1:55

this is the second time It

1:57

has been played on the Presumably.

2:00

And so we changed it. So

2:02

we we kept our our

2:05

game mom for this episode

2:07

and less episode. Bredden Lee Morgan. Yay.

2:22

In fact, In fact,

2:25

I think we should update the rules of Dadlands

2:27

that unless is

2:29

your game mom, it's illegal. That's

2:33

our DRM. We

2:36

could tell you the rules, but honestly,

2:38

we're inventing rules five minutes

2:40

before the show So You

2:43

tell me. I'll

2:45

I'll happily explain to our wonderful audience

2:47

here. As we all know, the

2:50

elemental forces that struggle

2:52

and sometimes but sometimes

2:54

conflict within each and every dad or of course

2:57

the elemental forces of law and chaos.

3:02

Within their various fanny packs,

3:04

each of our dads here has a number of

3:06

law and chaos tokens. Red, of course,

3:08

chaos, blue, of course, law. And

3:10

to things in the game, I may ask

3:12

for polls, and they will tell me whether

3:15

the poll is for law or for chaos. And If

3:17

they succeed, then they move forward.

3:19

And if they fail, they may indeed those

3:21

tokens. We have different numbers of we

3:24

all have seven, but our balance between

3:26

law and chaos tokens available to us

3:28

is different for each character depending on how chaotic

3:30

a dad that it is. I'm

3:33

quite chaotic. So

3:39

in addition, we're adding a new mechanic this

3:41

time. You may notice large

3:44

corn hole board in the middle of the stage.

3:48

I would I would argue it's regulation size,

3:50

but When

3:52

the chips are down and the stakes are at their highest,

3:54

you may indeed see one of these dads

3:56

get up and decide. To

3:59

cornhole it. Do

4:03

we get a vote? Do you

4:05

get a vote? I

4:08

don't know if I want a corn hole I may

4:10

call for it, but you may also elect

4:13

to corn hole No.

4:15

I I've played with you before.

4:16

I know what it's like going against your intentions.

4:19

That shall not happen. No.

4:21

The backstage, he's a real bully. Yeah.

4:24

Everything's nice, sweet, brotherly

4:26

Mulligan, but we know the real guy.

4:30

Well, so if you didn't hear the first episode,

4:32

the mustache I wore was a blight against

4:34

my existence for about two and a half

4:36

hours, and I am happy to report This

4:39

is the exact same brand of mustache,

4:41

and I will be struggling in silence

4:43

again. So

4:45

for

4:45

the very big dinner list of the episode, Griven

4:48

cannot emote effectively or

4:50

apparently drink fluid.

4:53

Because with that one sip of this

4:55

delicious juicy

4:56

beer, I did give away a lot

4:59

of adhesive material. Can

5:02

I May I begin to weave? May

5:04

I We Weird. Weird.

5:07

Weird. Weird. Weird.

5:13

Once again, the blazing

5:16

sun with all of the ferocity

5:18

of its vast and cosmic

5:21

flame beats down thunderously

5:24

on the salt white flats of

5:27

the dead lands. It is

5:29

a dry heat.

5:35

We'll roll the windows down. We don't have to

5:37

use air conditioning though. And

5:39

we find this is nature's air conditioning.

5:44

With a roar of mighty

5:46

engines as dust

5:48

is kicked up into the

5:50

post apocalyptic waste. We

5:53

see a vehicle racing

5:55

for its very life across

5:57

the edge of the horizon. And as we zoom

6:00

in, we see it is being

6:02

pursued with the screams

6:04

and shouts. Of

6:06

a hard ass patrol. No.

6:10

Indeed, our

6:13

wonderful heroic dads.

6:15

Now race for life and

6:17

limb as a massive

6:19

war car, a stretch,

6:21

humbly. Almost

6:24

an eighth of a mile long, an

6:26

an abomination against creation

6:29

and logic as there's no way that

6:31

gets good gas mileage. And

6:36

you see hard asses. Oh,

6:38

these are Within

6:40

the within the cosmology of

6:42

the Dadlands, a hardass is a

6:44

dad that has given up all of

6:46

their chaos and succumbed to

6:48

a cold and unfeeling law.

6:51

These hard asses lean out of the

6:53

humvee with their skulls

6:55

exposed. Metal plates

6:57

grafted onto their butts. Yep.

7:01

They shout and hoot and holler.

7:03

Focus

7:03

up. Focus up. You gotta focus

7:05

up. Man, I

7:07

like these guys. No.

7:10

Yeah. I do. I'm identifying after

7:13

which sides. And I

7:15

Guy Ferrari adjusts his mirror and says, look at

7:17

these jokers.

7:19

As you call them jokers, all of them

7:22

spit in unison I'm no

7:24

joke buddy. Nice

7:27

to meet you. I'm no joke buddy. I'm dad.

7:36

No no pull necessary

7:39

One of the side war cars just

7:41

blows up. You just straight up blows

7:42

up. Boom. Power the

7:44

dad joke destroys it. It's

7:48

it's

7:49

he has the kids. The

7:53

lead work or the stretch hummer,

7:56

barrels down on our heroes.

7:58

It you see in the rear view mirror reading

8:00

it backwards, the name written

8:02

on the front of this war rig that you've

8:04

never seen this far into this part

8:06

of the

8:07

Dadlands, the name of this vehicle,

8:09

no son of mine. Which

8:13

-- Wait. -- spell it out. Is in

8:17

yeah.FO, info, McElroy,

8:25

With that, I think it's high

8:26

time. We meet our heroes -- Yeah. -- and the

8:28

vehicle they're traveling in. Let's go ahead

8:30

and start over here. My

8:32

name is Bridgette Horgens.

8:39

I'm It's been a rough

8:41

couple years for old brick

8:43

head. I am

8:45

now the former proprietor of

8:47

the Dadlands Number

8:50

one rib joint. Huggins

8:52

is sloppy dog. Huggins,

8:59

Who's the new owner? He

9:02

cheated me in a gambling

9:05

game. It was

9:07

Walton Gorgens. Now

9:11

it's Walton Gorgens. It's 2. What's

9:20

what's the point? God,

9:24

that's the kinda high energy character

9:26

intro that really gets your motor revving

9:29

up. Speaking of

9:31

motor

9:31

revving, And

9:33

you're a real dad. Yeah.

9:35

I'm a real dad. I'm very chaotic. And

9:38

and sad. I'll be

9:40

playing Guy Ferrari Thank

9:44

you. I am

9:46

a car I've

9:49

traded in my ten year old Hyundai

9:51

Elantra And because I took such a good

9:53

care of it, the Kelly Blue Book value was

9:55

higher than when I brought it. So

9:58

I was able to trade it in. I got myself

10:00

a real cherry minivan

10:03

and a nineteen sixty three

10:05

corvette that I've been fixing up in my

10:07

spare time.

10:07

But we don't drive

10:09

that one. It's

10:11

not ready yet. I'm

10:14

coach Red Ruff and

10:16

Sword. I'm

10:20

the sports dad. I

10:22

2 hit on some rough times.

10:25

The team I was, once the

10:27

coach of, went through

10:29

a great public outcry to

10:31

make us change the name of

10:33

our team. Oh, this will go over

10:35

Yeah. No way this is bad.

10:37

No way

10:38

this is hell on. Flex,

10:43

you're the winner. So

10:46

we had to we had to change the name of the

10:48

team and it it just has It

10:50

does not go on over

10:51

with. I can hear the ice cracking

10:54

below our fucking

10:56

feet. They

10:59

were the herpes. And I

11:03

kinda get it. I

11:05

kinda III you know, it's

11:07

hard to wrap your hands around that

11:09

and also the mask up was

11:11

just horrible. I

11:15

love that in your mind dad,

11:17

there was a time where everyone was like, I

11:19

love it. My

11:23

name's Chip Huggins being them a little

11:25

bit. And it is Disney

11:26

nut. And

11:31

I don't care what people say

11:33

Disney was real. They

11:42

oh, well, okay. Not

11:45

everybody believes it, but I've

11:47

read all the books. And if you

11:49

really look at it, Disney

11:51

was real. Well, then how come we

11:53

don't know the location of it to this

11:55

day? Well, I'm

11:57

still not sure about that. But

11:59

I am not Walt, am I?

12:02

Indeed, someday they're gonna unfreeze him

12:05

and then you're gonna look real stupid.

12:08

Now

12:08

we both know they've already unfrozen

12:11

everyone who was cryogenically frozen

12:13

during that time, and he wasn't among

12:15

them. Yeah. It was deeper.

12:17

You've got to be a member of

12:19

club thirty three to get in, so

12:21

it's exclusive. Indeed.

12:27

Just as I have scripted. Yeah.

12:30

Yeah. Just always say indeed. Does it say

12:32

indeed more often? We

12:34

see our four

12:36

dads. We know we know not whether

12:38

Disney was real. And in the

12:40

lore of the Dadlands, Though

12:42

some rumors flitter hither

12:44

and yon in the various

12:46

enclaves of the dad tribes of

12:48

the long lost mothers. Of the

12:51

children, but no, this

12:53

world holds only

12:55

dads. And more

12:57

and more dads every year, which is inexplicable.

12:59

Don't think about it too hard.

13:01

Yeah. It'll really freak out.

13:04

You find yourself racing

13:07

through the desert pursued by

13:09

a patrol of hard asses. You've

13:11

never seen them this far into the before.

13:14

Now right now, I do wanna say, them

13:16

being hard asses. As it means a cardiac, we

13:18

are going 2 speed limit. I'm

13:22

going one mile over. You

13:25

see the hard asses realizing that

13:28

at one mile an hour, you will

13:30

slowly outstrip them and

13:32

you can see them feverishly working to

13:34

overcome this. In the middle of

13:36

your minivan, there is a

13:38

bowling ball bag. That

13:40

you recovered in this

13:42

excursion. Before

13:44

we meet our dads, you had just been

13:46

to the ruins.

13:48

Of pop and pop's top stop, chop

13:51

shop. The

13:54

One more one more time a modern

13:56

pop's top stop, chop shop.

13:58

Okay. Which was the last

14:01

everyone remembered pop and pop, and

14:04

their top stop was a chop shop.

14:06

Yeah. Pop and pop. Stop. Stop. Stop. At it.

14:08

At the very edge of

14:10

the car Dadlands, close

14:12

to the old ruins of

14:13

Salberg, which you will remember

14:15

in your last great adventure together,

14:18

you burned to the fucking

14:20

ground. Yeah. Burn to the fucking ground.

14:23

And going to

14:25

the Shop Shop, you found that there were signs

14:27

of a struggle. Something terrible had

14:29

happened, but hidden away, deep in a

14:31

safe place. Was this bowling ball

14:33

bag that has been sealed. You have it in your

14:35

car with you now, but as you

14:37

found it, you heard the roar of the hard

14:39

ass' engines, and now they're coming

14:41

after you. You hear behind

14:43

you a hard ass, seeing

14:45

you slowly one mile per hour

14:47

start to strip away. Get to the

14:49

top of the war rig,

14:52

beat his chest with this

14:54

intense sort of black and decker

14:57

branded apron and go Focus

14:59

up. Focus up. And you

15:01

see everyone looks and

15:03

salutes and says, he gave a hundred and

15:05

ten percent

15:07

I really like these guys.

15:10

Don't

15:11

Can I get in that car?

15:13

No. Don't succumb. Alright.

15:16

You see this dad

15:18

takes what looks like a bunch of

15:20

expired fireworks, leaps

15:22

from the car, and I'm gonna need someone here to

15:24

do something as this dad goes, You

15:26

hear all of them back, all the hard asses back,

15:28

they're all chanting unison. He

15:31

lives forever, committed and

15:33

determined and dead hala. I

15:37

have a I have a FigMENT

15:39

branded popcorn bucket that

15:41

I feel that I

15:43

keep filled with nails

15:45

and gravel, and I'm gonna

15:48

swing it in to try to knock him off his

15:50

trajectory. Three. Okay. We're gonna

15:52

need we're gonna need a pull. We're gonna need a

15:54

pull here. Feels I mean, it's up to you.

15:56

It feels fairly chaotic. Right? Yeah.

15:58

Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Pop

16:00

gum corn bucket full of 2? Difficulty

16:02

difficulty one. We're gonna wanna see a red token

16:04

pop out. Let's just say again.

16:06

Difficulty one. So we just need one

16:08

token here. We're gonna pull one token.

16:10

Make it red.

16:20

Oh, he had a skid.

16:23

Oh, he it was a red everything

16:26

tastes better when it sits on a rig. Oh,

16:28

wait. Does he have a hold on. Wait.

16:29

Yeah. Does he have a second

16:31

rig? That's

16:36

a red token. That

16:38

is a red token. Flying

16:43

through the air from God to hit the spot,

16:46

though, for real. God,

16:48

I love our roots. Yeah. What's not

16:50

to love? Flying through the air

16:52

from the open window of the minivan. Nails,

16:55

gravel, rust, and scrap

16:57

hits this hard ass.

17:00

Square in the jaw. T

17:03

blood. You hear, oh, dead

17:05

rabbit. And boom. Disappears

17:08

under the wheels of the war rig as

17:10

everyone goes, you're

17:14

horsing around. I

17:17

put on my right transignal.

17:22

There's

17:22

gonna be a poll, but I'm gonna turn

17:25

left. This is

17:25

gonna chaos.

17:27

That's gonna drive great. This is gonna be a

17:29

pull. I'm gonna

17:30

say well, I'm gonna need to see two chaos

17:33

tokens. Holy An easy to 2 chaos

17:35

tokens. There's no

17:36

way. There's no way. One.

17:45

That's one chaos token. That's

17:47

red chaos. Now if it comes up again, wait.

17:49

Wait. Wait. Does he have to move again?

17:51

No. He does not. But it stays out.

17:54

Okay. Okay. And if the next one is law,

17:56

it's a mixed success. If it's chaos, it's a

17:58

full success. It is

18:03

chaos. The

18:09

convoy follows after you.

18:11

Turn signal goes on.

18:14

You pull to the left. Hey,

18:16

buddy. I don't know

18:17

if you noticed this. You put on

18:19

your right blinker there. You went left.

18:22

Now I was trying to confuse them.

18:26

Oh, wow. You

18:32

watch as the war

18:34

rig behind you sees the turn

18:36

signal immediately pulls to

18:38

cut the angle and

18:41

destroy you. You pull to the

18:43

left, the rig. Boom. Hit

18:45

the side of a ravine opening

18:47

up and disappears into

18:49

the emptiness of space. That's

18:52

exactly what I thought would happen. Behind

18:56

it, you see

18:58

four smaller hard ass cars

19:00

in a row. And on not just

19:02

a mixed success, but a true double

19:04

chaos success, you see every

19:06

single one of those hard asses. Yeah.

19:09

Look at what just happened and

19:11

say, he used

19:13

the right blinker. And all drive

19:16

straight into the canyon. Good

19:24

night, everybody.

19:25

We did it. We did

19:27

it. We won't. So you

19:30

see smoke rising up from the

19:32

canyon, but temporarily, you have

19:34

escaped this hard ass

19:36

excursion in a part of that

19:38

you haven't seen hard asses in

19:40

a generation. This place is deep

19:42

within the car dead land, so something is

19:45

amiss. Smoke rises, but you

19:47

also have that parcel with you

19:49

in your vehicle. What would

19:51

you like to do? I'm

19:55

driving. I'm not I

19:57

get my hands off Dadlands two. I killed 2 guy

19:59

with a popcorn bucket. So Coach

20:02

Red has a lot of sports expertise. He said

20:04

it was a bowling ball

20:04

bag. So he would probably know how to

20:07

open it. Yeah.

20:09

As a non athlete

20:12

myself, the many

20:14

puzzles of this bowling ball bag

20:16

would flummox me.

20:17

The machinations of what is

20:19

this? It's like teeth in her locket. You

20:22

said,

20:22

let me hang on

20:23

before I Yeah. I'm

20:27

gonna try to open it. Hell,

20:31

yeah. As you as you open it, I'm

20:33

gonna say this is a one token law. You're just trying

20:35

to open a 2 ball

20:36

bag. So we'll -- Yeah. -- do it. It's a

20:38

one token law pool. And

20:40

I'm having law. Yeah. Dad's

20:46

Fannie back has LEDs with a football in

20:49

the front, so everyone look at that.

20:51

He shipped it to my house

20:54

a month

20:54

ago, and it was the most confused

20:57

I've

20:57

ever been to receive a package.

21:01

Alright. Alright. Yeah. You're

21:05

welcome.

21:06

Man, this game's

21:08

broken. Is a crushing it

21:11

right now.

21:11

Who made this?

21:12

I am

21:13

curious what you would have

21:14

done if he had failed unzipping a

21:16

bowling ball thing. He walks a finger.

21:19

Yeah. We would have narrated our way through

21:21

something seemingly impossible. We would have really good you know,

21:23

we would have gotten all the way down. Oh, we got stuck on the

21:25

fabric. Yeah. There you

21:27

go. Opening the zipper

21:29

of the bowling bag.

21:35

So much more That was more creaky door. Yeah.

21:37

Mounted doors. Swings open.

21:39

The little bobble

21:42

head on the dashboard of

21:44

the minivan begins to shake.

21:46

All of you feel of

21:49

energy, overtake, even

21:52

surpassing the ambient noise of the engine and

21:54

the driving. And light

21:58

begins to emit out of the

22:00

opening in the scene of the bowling

22:02

ball. And I looked down and I go It's

22:05

beautiful.

22:07

And and these face masks out of the

22:10

game. Now, You've been tragically

22:12

killed by the bowling ball back power. Yeah.

22:14

I steady my Dantler and her

22:16

bubble head.

22:19

The bobble head Junior

22:20

or senior. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa.

22:23

Sitting

22:23

on each

22:24

other's shoulders -- Yeah. -- as it was

22:27

meant to be. Two

22:29

little bobbling heads 2 bobbling, and

22:32

you see red looking

22:34

into the book. Endless

22:38

possibility, energy,

22:41

movement, matter, time and

22:43

space, coalesces, into

22:45

a perfect summation

22:47

of all knowledge that a

22:49

dad could ever want or

22:52

need. The rest of you see

22:54

an object levitate under its

22:56

own power out of the bowling ball

22:59

bag. And coming into focus,

23:01

is a book, hardcover

23:03

with a beautiful dust jacket

23:05

covered in black and white photography

23:07

and a title on the

23:09

top of the book saying,

23:12

bottom of the ninth, Winston Churchill,

23:14

Chuck Berry, and the golden age

23:17

of aviation. Wow.

23:26

Wow. May I

23:28

step out a character I

23:30

so moved right now. The

23:37

ultimate dad book. Yeah.

23:40

I find

23:40

myself in an unprecedented

23:43

amount of arousal right now

23:46

that I

23:47

You know, for me, it's precedented, but I it's

23:49

nice to feel 2 it wants

23:51

more. The

23:56

book slowly descends,

23:58

and you can see now that some of the

24:00

pages within it are dog

24:02

eared. There are markings and inscriptions

24:05

within the book. And

24:07

as it sort of lands open in

24:09

front of you, this mythical

24:12

repository of knowledge, The

24:14

dad lands with all of the ruin and

24:15

chaos. Information is sort of the

24:18

rarest currency of all. And

24:20

you see in the margins of the book

24:22

a lot of scientific

24:25

notation, equations, molecular

24:29

structures. Only one of us was a

24:31

science dad. However,

24:33

though none of you are science

24:36

dads, you do know your

24:38

way to the tower

24:40

of the last and lonely science dad.

24:43

If that

24:45

if that man has not

24:49

self emulated. At this point, I

24:50

will be shocked.

24:52

Maybe he put up some plastic sheathing

24:55

over the windows to make

24:56

it Yep.

24:57

To make it easier to air condition.

24:59

Do y'all remember

25:00

the way to the science dad's glass

25:03

tower? Yeah,

25:04

I could do it from memory. I don't need

25:06

a map and I won't stop the ass

25:09

directions.

25:09

You know,

25:10

me too. 2, on the right straight on

25:12

2 morning.

25:13

But it's

25:14

daytime. Well, we have

25:17

to wait. Sorry.

25:20

Anyone need to go potty?

25:24

Alright. Red,

25:25

you got it. How has the

25:27

dynamic shifted? Is Red more advanced

25:29

in age than the rest of us? No.

25:32

Okay. I'm not playing

25:35

Just

25:35

we haven't addressed

25:36

the existence of grandpa's in the

25:38

Dadlance. Although that I suppose would

25:40

be predicated on

25:43

The people

25:43

Dadlands parents,

25:46

which they don't. No. Which

25:48

is fucking wise. Oh, so

25:51

you can't be a grandad without a younger

25:53

generation. You're right. It's

25:55

just dads and younger dads and

25:57

younger dads. I wish you

25:59

guys would respect Brennan's

26:01

narrative a little bit. He may have

26:04

a surprise granddad in there. No. I

26:06

hate him excellent stuff out. Hey, dad.

26:09

Surprise Granddad is a great band name.

26:18

After a a moment of red roughness

26:20

or using the

26:22

restroom, which in a vast wasteland is just sort

26:24

of anywhere you

26:24

like. Yeah. Anywhere

26:25

Anywhere that's not in the car. Oh.

26:28

Although we do have bottles, some

26:31

big gulp because

26:33

we're not stopping

26:34

to let anybody go to the bathroom. No. It's okay

26:37

because there's a bathroom next to the biggest bowl of

26:39

swine in the wasteland. It's

26:43

only this big. Not a lot

26:45

of swine in the waste land. So have

26:47

been harvested, flammable. Do

26:51

you indeed

26:54

wait until nightfall to wind your

26:56

way to the tower of the Science

26:58

Dad? Yeah. It seems like it would be

27:00

safer to go to his big glass tower

27:03

during nighttime. For sure. For sure. For

27:05

sure. If you don't remember, It reflects light in such way

27:07

that it is extremely big

27:10

microwaves any human being inside of

27:11

it. It's about hours of eleven AM and

27:14

four PM. A

27:16

giant glass tower desert does produce its fair share of

27:19

spontaneous lasers. However,

27:24

traveling there for the first time at night,

27:26

we see the clear

27:29

and moistureless air of

27:31

the desert superimposes

27:34

an illuminated glass

27:36

tower against a horizon of twinkling

27:37

stars. You approach the

27:40

tower of the science dad

27:42

once again here in the

27:44

freezing cold of desert night.

27:46

I pull into the wrong driveway first,

27:48

but

27:48

but because

27:48

I have to turn around and go back and I do

27:51

like, hey, nice to meet you. We're

27:53

going and we turn around and go back

27:54

to the right driveway. The science dad does have

27:56

one neighbor that's just It's

27:59

just a normal fucking house. Yes. Since

28:01

the last time you've been here, it is a huge

28:03

glass focused post apocalyptic tower.

28:05

And a perfect one story ranch

28:07

home. It's just right next to

28:10

2. He goes, oh, you're

28:10

good to see you there. Guys, how's

28:13

it

28:13

going? Come

28:13

very good. Kids have to talk. How's the

28:16

mess? Nope. Yeah.

28:19

None of

28:20

us have those. When

28:23

I think about it, I start to feel like 2, we're

28:26

gonna go. You

28:31

watch as this nice neighbor

28:33

man begins to fall into a hole in his

28:35

own brain and you

28:38

head I have this right to feel like if you

28:40

won't go in. I won't exist anymore ever

28:43

again. What

28:45

was your

28:46

name again? Don't

28:51

comment. You see yeah.

28:53

AAA bus drives by. And

28:55

that Jason Born style, he's gone. He's nowhere

28:58

to be seen. They glass

29:02

doors of the tower of the Science Dad

29:04

open. And you see

29:06

meridian bespectacles wearing

29:08

a dirty and stained

29:10

white lab coat. With fractals and mathematical wounds

29:13

carved into his 2, pair

29:15

of spectacles with only a single lens

29:18

inside, Professor

29:20

Peter Poppins. Well,

29:26

well, well, if it isn't

29:28

the assembled heroes of the dad

29:31

tribes. Once again, come to

29:33

my

29:33

tower. I'm sorry, can we do a

29:36

standard dad reading of, like, look with the cat

29:38

dragged in or, like, long

29:40

time. This break in

29:42

etiquette is unforgivable. Peter

29:46

bowes deeply and says,

29:48

forgive me. And this takes a step back and

29:50

goes, oh oh, here

29:52

comes

29:52

trouble. Oh, yeah. Oh,

29:56

ain't you? They let all kinds

29:58

in here. Oh, they'd have said anybody

30:00

in here. You're

30:03

working hard or Hardly. It

30:12

is good to remember the

30:15

old ways. Chip

30:21

Hugginsby walks over and drops the

30:23

bowling bag right at his feet and says,

30:25

start talking, Dwight. I

30:30

will, but only because I

30:32

choose to.

30:33

It's my era gets you

30:34

through to my partner. The

30:38

Science Dad reaches in and

30:41

removes the book from

30:43

within the

30:43

bag. My god.

30:47

Bottom of the ninth. Winston

30:50

Churchill, Chuck Berry, and

30:52

the golden age of aviation.

30:56

Everything dad's like.

30:58

Where did you

31:00

find this? Pop.

31:03

Yep. Bob's top up. Listen,

31:05

I only have the mental capacity

31:07

to remember one sort of repetition

31:10

based small business name.

31:12

And it's Walton Goggins his hogs

31:15

his dog on sloppy hogs

31:17

stop. The

31:20

fact The fact that y'all

31:22

expect me to remember pop and pop's

31:24

top, stop, chop shop is a

31:27

oh, shit. You

31:32

you snuck up on it.

31:34

Even brief exposure to this

31:37

book can span the mental capabilities of a

31:39

dad by an order of magnitude. I

31:41

feel like I've taken the pill from limitless

31:43

of this movie I watched on CBS.

31:49

TBS, a dad's favorite well, one of

31:51

top three favorite channels. Indeed.

31:54

You see all of you here. He

31:58

holds the book and says, come

32:00

with

32:00

me. I need to show you my computer

32:03

chamber. Excuse

32:05

me. Shoes off or on.

32:09

It says, at night, we do

32:11

shoes off, but I would not recommend shoes off during

32:13

the day. Call it

32:15

glass floors 2. Yeah.

32:17

Glass floors. Yeah. They'll melt your

32:18

feet. So Hey,

32:21

brother. It's been a few years. How

32:23

have you not dissolved

32:26

yourself, turned yourself into a

32:28

charred black ashes skeletal

32:30

2 the ground outside somewhere.

32:32

However, if your bird's not eaten you, I

32:34

have a lot of questions, my friend.

32:37

Well, my birds don't

32:39

eat me because they're all dead.

32:41

Oh, okay. Oh.

32:44

Nice wins. And

32:46

secondly, who's to say I

32:48

haven't

32:48

died? Well,

32:53

You just did. You're you're Why

32:55

am I doing your boys? Yeah. I don't know.

32:57

You gotta get Well, were

32:59

you a spectral science dad or

33:02

what? Go dad. I

33:04

try to run my hand through his

33:07

ruined chest. Go ahead

33:09

and give me a go ahead and give me a

33:11

chaos poll. No.

33:21

That's

33:21

a law token.

33:24

So

33:24

you're gonna lose that launch. I

33:27

only

33:27

have We just started. I

33:29

only have one law token left in

33:32

here.

33:32

You better start doing some more, like, crazy

33:35

shit. If he goes full chaos, he

33:37

becomes a deadbeat. That's

33:39

correct. Yes. Absolutely. Well,

33:42

that

33:42

would be a good thing to pull him back from

33:44

with corn

33:44

hole throughout. Stop it.

33:47

Oh. I think

33:51

that's exactly what we

33:53

should do.

33:53

Corn hole. Four

33:58

your soul. Corn

34:00

hole. Four your soul. Corn

34:02

hole. Four your soul. Corn hole. For

34:04

yourself. Wait. Please understand.

34:06

I'm the only person in this room

34:10

for whom the thing you're chanting will become immediately

34:14

applicable. You all can shout shout things

34:16

like cornhole for

34:18

your soul

34:19

I am the

34:22

the focal point of that energy. And

34:24

trying to imagine if you were

34:26

in that in my seat right now. Now, Griffin,

34:29

I would argue that normally when people chance

34:31

a thing in large numbers, it is

34:33

directed towards one person. What

34:35

does cornhole for your soul mean? It just sound good. I

34:37

don't know. It just sound like so what

34:39

I suspect. As you reach your hand

34:42

forward to

34:44

see you let us face facts. Brickett is

34:46

a man of

34:47

meat. Yes. And you wanna know? It's all

34:49

I know. And you wanna know if the man in front

34:51

of you is a meat man

34:54

or some thing else. Sure. You reach forward you

34:56

see the science dad says, no joke.

34:58

Your hand touches his chest.

35:04

The science dad splits into three separate dads,

35:06

reemerges. Again, three, again, one.

35:08

Again, three, again, one. As your hand

35:12

picks up, you feel the last bits of law leaving

35:14

your body. However,

35:16

what would normally doom you in

35:18

this moment, you have a chance

35:22

to avert. As the book

35:24

glows bright and the

35:26

drawings of those molecules, emerge

35:30

in light and swirl around you in

35:32

a Helix of energy. We

35:36

move

35:38

to the

35:39

cornhole board. You

35:42

need bourbon. You need

35:44

bags? Alright.

35:46

Now, you are

35:49

attempting to preserve

35:52

your soul and not go

35:54

full deadbeat. As I've said you a

35:56

meat man and this challenge is meat

35:58

related because you are trying to stop

36:00

yourself. 2. You

36:03

wanna not be meat, you wanna be a

36:05

man. So this is meat related. We're

36:07

gonna give you, I'm gonna

36:10

2,

36:11

two

36:12

bags. Okay. So what we've set up here, do you want to spell

36:14

out the lines? Here are the lines.

36:16

You determine how many throws

36:18

you get, then we have a couple

36:21

different difficulties. Start hit started

36:23

the easiest. This is dependent on

36:26

what was it brand what you would want your

36:28

dad to say to This is dependent the

36:30

different difficulties determine how

36:32

great the effect of the corn hole throw

36:34

is.

36:34

Griffin, would you read the line,

36:35

please? I tried

36:38

to touch One, dude. 2.

36:39

Read what the tape says. Wait. Stand

36:42

in each one. Ginner.

36:44

Difficulty. It is. You'll get

36:45

them next time, champ.

36:48

And you will, but

36:50

And then there's good hustle out there.

36:56

And there's that's my boy.

36:58

And then there's one back by ball.

37:03

This one's I

37:06

love

37:07

you son. I one

37:09

of these days, I'm gonna

37:12

hear it. I'm I'm looking

37:14

forward to it still. Even hearing you say it,

37:16

my brother, there's a little bit of shit. Chill.

37:18

Yeah. And I'll go ahead

37:20

and say that the science dad's actually

37:22

gonna aid you here and it will give you

37:24

one more bag. You got three shots at

37:26

this from

37:31

which position. You choose depending on how great

37:33

the effect Trying

37:34

to touch one torso. Sounds

37:38

like a limited effect. You can start right

37:40

there and you'll get a next on chance. Start a

37:42

good hustle. Good hustle. We'll start a good

37:43

hustle. Here we go. Arches

37:46

the bag.

37:46

I'm the only one

37:49

who did not practice before we started. Yeah. It

37:51

went off

37:51

the back of the board. Here we go.

37:53

I might step

37:54

forward to the go forward 2

37:57

time champ. This

38:00

sucks shit. We thought this

38:02

was gonna

38:03

be fun and fucking suck shit

38:05

to 2. I think

38:07

they're having

38:08

fun. Interesting.

38:12

Yeah. Yeah.

38:14

Yeah. Wait. Wait. Wait. Griffin.

38:17

You already have one success.

38:20

Try if I'm farther

38:22

back. Go for three.

38:24

Okay. Oh, yeah.

38:26

Yeah. Whoa. So we're going from that to my boy. From

38:28

that that's my boy. He

38:30

arches, he

38:32

shoots. The corner

38:35

is overhanging. Job,

38:37

Carmen. Job, don't sound to

38:39

her. We can do this. Have my

38:41

boy. You're finished. You're my boy, dude. That's

38:43

my boy. And it's

38:46

it. That's

38:49

my boy. That's

38:52

my boy.

38:56

That's my boy.

38:58

That's my boy. It kicks ass.

39:00

My boy. It's great now. Okay.

39:04

Okay. I touched the torso super, super, super good, I guess.

39:08

You use all of you watching

39:10

the sea

39:12

something truly bizarre happen.

39:14

As you threaten to

39:16

go deadbeat, feeling the last of

39:19

law, leave your body.

39:22

That role was not just to touch the torso, touching the torso

39:24

was what prompted that role,

39:26

that cornhole throw prevents

39:28

you from losing your last

39:32

law token. You do not go deadbeat in

39:34

this moment. You do not go

39:36

deadbeat in this

39:38

moment. You see at the last

39:40

second, the science dad reaches into the lab

39:41

2, pulls out some sort

39:44

of beeping barometer made

39:46

out of some scraps of old

39:48

rusted metal and plays

39:50

it in an ancient

39:52

recording of Teddy Roosevelt comes on

39:54

saying it is not the critic who

39:55

counts, not the man who points out how this

39:57

strong man stumbles, I wanna

40:00

do a rough deeds,

40:02

could've done them better. And

40:04

all of you watch briquettes start

40:09

to dissociate into sort of component

40:11

fractal 2. And

40:14

as that spectrometer

40:16

goes off, you boom. Reforged

40:20

and steam rises off

40:23

your body. You like fresh cooked

40:26

bacon.

40:26

I was at all

40:29

my boys baseball

40:32

games, but I was also

40:34

at none of my boys baseball

40:36

games. You

40:37

know, it's interesting. Disney actually

40:40

put smells into the park. You

40:42

know that? I used

40:44

to use these devices called

40:46

smelters. Like, if you're on the main street,

40:48

you'll smell the thelect.

40:50

Oh, vipers of confectionaries.

40:52

Right. And there is there is

40:54

blastin' us right in. No problem. Definitely.

40:56

But am I

40:58

dying? In a

40:59

way, we we all

41:02

are.

41:02

We talked

41:04

about Walt. We

41:05

talked about Walt. That's it. The

41:07

one way true No.

41:10

No. I'm not religious, Zelle. I just believe Disney

41:13

was real. The

41:15

science dad looks and says,

41:17

You just avoided a fate

41:19

worse than death, Briquette. You've

41:22

managed to

41:24

maintain your cohesiveness within the space time

41:26

continuum itself.

41:28

Nice. This

41:33

book, this lost artifact

41:35

of what used to be the

41:37

tribe of 2 dads,

41:40

contains the formula for continuity

41:44

obliterating

41:45

recurrent neutrinos. Yeah. Okay.

41:49

No. It's good. No. It's good.

41:51

You're right. It's good. It's

41:54

good. 2. Obliterating

41:57

recurrent neutrinos, or

41:59

as we call them,

42:02

cornrows. Yeah.

42:04

Yeah. And you don't wanna

42:06

fall into a Corn hole. Corn

42:09

hole. Now it

42:11

is my That certain temporal

42:14

rifts, also known as

42:16

cornholes. Uh-huh. Go

42:18

on. Have been opening throughout

42:22

the It is it

42:24

is Brennan. It is humbling

42:26

to do work with

42:29

you. Yeah. Because listen,

42:32

you can't Justin and Griffin and Dad and

42:34

I say dumb shit all the time. Your dumb

42:36

shit comes back around the smart

42:40

shit.

42:40

You cannot give

42:43

me an idea so dumb

42:45

that I won't say

42:47

that's cool. Yeah.

42:49

Dadlands, ribs.

42:52

Yeah. Love dad lands.

42:54

The science dad looks and says,

42:57

continuity obliterating recurrent neutrinos were believed to be a

43:00

theoretical particle. But something

43:02

recently in the composition

43:04

of the

43:06

Badlands Have you I don't know if you've

43:08

heard or seen, but the hard ass

43:10

excursions are getting more

43:11

dangerous, more

43:14

deadly. And they cut deeply into the car Dadlands.

43:16

Following the downfall of Saabberg and

43:18

the destruction of the kraft dads,

43:21

And then find

43:22

out how to do that? Bring her

43:24

next. Well, there you burned down the

43:27

camera. Your eyes. Yeah. Hey, did anybody

43:29

ever hear the total number

43:32

of fatalities? Just

43:36

ask it now. Did any did they ever have

43:38

an official count? Yeah. Actually,

43:40

a lot of other dads texted me to

43:42

let me know everyone who had died.

43:46

To

43:46

2, did you know them? You remember? Hey,

43:48

did you go

43:49

to school with 2 you get that text

43:51

from our dad, Okay.

43:53

I'll never do it again. I'm

43:56

sorry. And

43:58

but wait. What did you say the other day that

44:00

that well, since I don't need Twitter

44:02

anymore, I'd never find out who died. So

44:04

now I need that again because I don't

44:06

have Twitter. Yeah. Tell me that Gallagher died. I

44:09

missed it.

44:09

He needs me.

44:11

Few of you just found out

44:13

there. I'm very sorry about

44:16

Gala. The science dad looks

44:18

and says, the losses in sawburg

44:21

were

44:21

incalculable. Damn. No. I mean, literally, my

44:23

birds never came back. I

44:25

can't calculate how I don't know. I don't

44:27

know. Do they have any leads on whom

44:29

might have perpetrated this

44:32

heinous crime?

44:34

Well, it was immediately following the

44:36

day that I know that all four of you guys

44:38

went there. Oh, hey. So what

44:40

else were the other words you wanted to

44:43

say about for Oh, yes. This

44:44

way. And you see the science desk has

44:46

come to the computer room. That

44:49

is a long walk

44:51

to the computer. Holy shit. A whole thing happened, you know,

44:53

there was a weird doctor Manhattan kind of thing that we

44:55

were dealing with for a second. The

44:58

science dad brings you

45:00

into a glass chamber, arched

45:02

blue glass, you see a

45:04

whole set of

45:06

homal figurines. Oh, no.

45:08

And you see a massive

45:12

stone tower, a stone

45:14

desktop PC, a large stone monitor

45:17

Stone

45:17

keyboard. Wait. The whole monitor,

45:20

Stone Brennan,

45:22

because how? No.

45:24

You know what? It's a very

45:27

light quartz. So some

45:29

faint fuzzy image noise that

45:31

appears on your right

45:34

bracket. Yeah.

45:34

Yeah. right. You see that

45:36

the science dad takes the book,

45:38

inserts it into sort of a massive

45:41

omex like floppy disk drive, the

45:44

book disappears and you hear

45:46

noises of something chittering

45:48

inside of this massive

45:50

stone computer. The dad looks at the posted note with the password. He's

45:52

written on it, so he'll remember he

45:54

sucks at the monitor. Got password.

45:56

That's right out of stone

45:57

too. It's a very small

46:00

lover. You see, yeah, the science hat says, if you guys want

46:02

the WiFi password, it's right up there, you

46:04

see he's clearly also done

46:08

an incomprehensible string of

46:10

random numbers and letters.

46:12

No change to the factory settings

46:16

whatsoever.

46:16

As another dad mantra of you can never be too careful. You

46:18

can never be too careful. As

46:21

he looks at it yeah.

46:23

You hear a strange

46:26

screwing and chittering inside of the computer and

46:28

It's the many many viruses you

46:31

have unintentionally downloaded. I

46:35

have not downloaded viruses, Brekett. My

46:38

computer is filled with lizards with

46:40

calculators tied

46:42

to them. Yep.

46:48

My mistake. The

46:53

screen glows and streams shapes swim

46:55

into focus. Blizzard based shapes -- Yeah.

46:57

-- I am assuming. You

47:00

can see it's clearly a swarm of geckos that are just crawling on the

47:03

other side of it. It's especially just shadow

47:05

puppetry with geckos. So They're

47:09

making little shapes and spell out words on the back

47:11

of the courts. The best thing

47:14

I've ever heard of

47:16

my life It's like a lizard based etch a sketch essentially.

47:18

Yeah. We've been

47:22

seeing these increase in patrols for some

47:24

time. And if you gaze

47:26

at the screen here, you will see the what I have fear has

47:28

come to pass. You were able

47:30

to save this book at the last

47:32

possible moment

47:33

from a figure that has emerged within hard

47:35

ass country, a new

47:38

patriarch and dad king

47:40

of the hard asses. Can't

47:42

die beat. I'm sorry.

47:46

His name was Can't die,

47:50

peace. Can't die, I believe, is attending his name as Pete, but they call

47:52

him, can't die Pete.

47:54

He did an

47:56

ironic name, like, when a

47:59

small guy called big or a big guy's called Yeah.

48:01

He's extremely killable.

48:05

Just a

48:06

Fabry j egg of Ophela.

48:09

Like the kid from a

48:12

secret garden. Unfortunately,

48:18

whether or not he is

48:20

actually invincible and immortal,

48:22

I cannot say, because killing people

48:24

kind of, you know, except for me, it just

48:26

happens one time. So, you know, it's a

48:29

small data set, essentially. Alright.

48:32

Okay. Wait. What did you just

48:33

say? They

48:36

killed somebody. We don't

48:38

have. It's tough out there. It's tough out there.

48:40

And I've died a couple times.

48:42

Anyway, the I killed

48:44

you. Well, a couple times where I was would be killing

48:45

you? Oh, yeah. Hold

48:48

on. I remember I remember I Okay.

48:50

Now you Yes. I

48:52

remember there was that time that I said I thought

48:54

EFCOT was overrated. Yeah. Right.

48:56

It works.

48:56

Yeah. You know, some fact. Magic

49:00

Kingdom is actually the most

49:02

heavily trafficked park, yet it's

49:04

the

49:04

smallest. I

49:07

saw it's really

49:09

interesting. Now, but you have to

49:12

admit the fact about Disney World that

49:14

no one dies there that makes it

49:16

mythical.

49:16

Right? Because we will die everywhere.

49:19

Yeah. But that's not

49:21

effect. That's urban legend. It's

49:23

important to separate effects

49:25

from fiction when you're talking, but it

49:28

is. You see,

49:31

the science says,

49:33

I believe that one of these corn

49:36

holes may have opened

49:38

under this

49:40

new imperial

49:43

power growing within hard

49:45

ass country. Is he using

49:47

its power to keep

49:49

dominion over them? I

49:51

can only hope that's the limit of

49:54

what he's doing. There are worse

49:56

things you could do with an active

49:58

cornhole.

49:59

Like what? Oh, well, that's what you mean. Seven of them.

50:02

Yeah. You

50:06

could restart

50:08

a new and worse timeline.

50:10

You could go back in

50:14

time recumbently to create clones of yourself

50:16

temporally. You could use it to go forward

50:18

and steal future technology.

50:20

You could make

50:22

a friend and have a fun adventure where you get

50:24

a sports almanac and do a bunch of betting.

50:26

You could

50:28

you could cornhole your way into the the

50:31

beginning of time and space and

50:33

thereby stop creation and create a paradox

50:35

that would extrude everyone

50:38

past the event horizon of liminal possibility.

50:40

Crazy. And then you could use it to

50:43

fire big old

50:43

rocks. One

50:46

more. Think

50:49

that was You could also use it

50:51

to gaze into the past,

50:53

to answer questions of

50:56

how the dad lands came to be. Instead

50:59

of just saying, I

51:01

don't know ask your mom, As

51:04

you say, ask your

51:06

mom, the book once again glows

51:08

from within the computer and

51:11

all of you watch. The

51:13

geckos on the other side of the

51:16

screen, swirl.

51:18

And you see a

51:21

face for a Go that's it. That's

51:24

it. The guy that captain reaching out

51:26

to the net 2 message. We've left left

51:28

from a long long long long long

51:30

long long. Long ago. Max headroom?

51:33

I think

51:34

I think it was Max

51:38

headroom. I got that reference.

51:40

Now please put it on the ground

51:43

where

51:43

it belongs. Are you sure

51:46

your geckos are not sick back

51:48

there? Something happened

51:50

to not only

51:52

our world, but our timeline.

51:55

The answer lies at

51:57

the bottom of that

52:00

cornhole. Gross. You,

52:04

the four of

52:06

you, gotta get up in that corn hole.

52:08

Now hold on. Oh, wait a minute. You

52:10

gotta get up you gotta get deep in that corn

52:12

hole, and you gotta get those

52:14

answers. You know

52:15

what? You know, from the moment that we

52:17

called, Brandon, and said, listen, we're gonna

52:19

corn hole in this game. We should have seen this coming. Well,

52:22

yeah. He answered, like, I love that because I'm a

52:24

big

52:25

old pervert. Listen,

52:27

you see the science dad raises a finger.

52:29

I know a lot of dads are

52:31

scared about interacting

52:33

with the cornhole. But

52:36

don't let don't let a toxic sense

52:39

of masculinity prevent you.

52:42

Don't let a

52:44

toxic sense. A mass

52:46

layer of you. I've experimented with

52:48

corn holes for years, and let

52:50

me tell you, it's great. It's

52:54

great. It's

53:00

for science.

53:01

So what are we

53:04

ordering for

53:06

dinner, everyone? You

53:09

see the science dad looks at you and

53:11

says for whatever whether you

53:13

wish to use the cornhole to

53:15

get these answers I

53:17

leave to you. That's your decision. But I know

53:20

that certainly it's enough of a

53:22

reason to venture into hard ass

53:24

country to stop these

53:26

hard asses and can't die Pete with his

53:28

army of lackeys from using this

53:30

corn hole for their own wicked ends.

53:33

The time has to come now. They almost

53:36

got the book. They're they must be far along in

53:38

their plans

53:40

here. I'll give you what I can,

53:42

and then the choice is yours.

53:44

These are the tools that

53:46

I think would work best against hard asses.

53:48

And you see he goes and

53:51

gets four aloha shirts

53:54

on hangers. If

53:57

you wear these hard asses

54:00

won't be able to see

54:02

you. These cloaking devices will be able to protect

54:04

you for a time. Unless you make noise or

54:06

otherwise make your position known. And

54:08

then he hands you something sort of

54:10

wrapped in oil stained

54:14

canvas and you see it has a bunch of

54:16

bindings and belts tied around it. You see he hands it to you and says,

54:18

this is a secret weapon.

54:22

you what it is, but I know that

54:24

this will if

54:26

need is great, this will do

54:28

tremendous damage to any hard asses that come in contact

54:31

with it. But be careful. Don't

54:33

open it unless it is a dire emergency

54:35

and hands the parcel

54:37

to you. Immediately open it. No. No. No.

54:40

No. Okay. Wait a

54:42

minute. What what at

54:44

least can you tell us which of

54:46

the four

54:48

would be able to put this to most use.

54:52

I don't know why I held

54:54

that yes. I

54:56

think time's getting weird

54:58

and distorted around the book.

55:00

The book, the whole,

55:03

this ghost man that we are all apparently

55:05

just gonna move on

55:08

past. His

55:12

spectral admission What if

55:14

I told you I was not a ghost because

55:16

of death, but I was a ghost

55:18

because of

55:20

time. Okay. No, man. That's cool. You got to

55:21

admit that. You got to admit that. You got to

55:23

do enough. It's a We

55:26

can

55:26

talk about this later. I got work

55:28

in the morning. Everyone comes here and they get

55:30

my science stuff, and I have no other science

55:32

dads to talk to. I

55:33

got my science study. Is this the love

55:36

side? Like, workshop in, like,

55:38

some new, like, why a fiction stuff

55:40

that you're trying 2. You

55:42

say why You say

55:44

YYA fiction and the Gekko's shift on

55:46

the screen on a voice command, and you

55:48

see they bring up little

55:51

little payday pop ins and the and

55:53

the abracadabricle

55:53

formula. I said, no. My manuscript

55:56

and

55:57

he goes to Listen, that's private. It's I'm

56:00

workshopping it. My brain becomes begins

56:02

to splinter again as I go, this 2 is

56:06

your fiction?

56:08

Adults only come

56:09

in one variety, not young.

56:12

This show is

56:14

adults only.

56:15

Now listen, I Wait. Wait.

56:17

And I asked A

56:19

legitimate question. Yeah. But I didn't care

56:21

about the answer.

56:24

It made me a hint.

56:26

Science Douglas UN says, the weapon

56:28

is elementally aligned with

56:32

chaos. If you were to touch

56:34

the weapon red, it may

56:36

be a heroic act because the

56:40

weapon may arm you as

56:41

well. And I don't tell him that, man. Because you You know, can't talk with him on

56:43

his feet. So I can't ever say that certainty.

56:45

I can't touch it?

56:48

Unless you want it

56:49

to be like really heroic. Yeah. And you're like

56:51

And dad might just throw it in the garbage and have

56:53

a big heroic

56:56

moment and save money and be a hero. Now listen, I said

56:58

that this wasn't ready yet, but

57:00

I think the one thing minivan

57:05

2 in line with hard ass

57:07

dads. And I think what we're

57:09

gonna need, boop

57:12

boop. Is

57:12

a cool

57:13

car. Now I should

57:16

clarify it is a coupe.

57:19

So someone's gonna need to sit on somebody's lap

57:21

and someone will be in the

57:23

trunk. And in

57:26

nineteen sixty, free corvette

57:28

pulls up outside. Does it

57:30

though? He shouldn't he can't just

57:33

say

57:33

that. Make him do

57:35

a

57:35

chip thing. Or us bean bag

57:38

thing. Let's do a little

57:40

cornhole

57:40

throw here. Let's do

57:43

a little cornhole throw. Now

57:46

I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this. You are actively summoning

57:48

a car and you are Guy

57:51

Ferrari. We're gonna go ahead and

57:53

we're gonna do four bags. Travis,

57:56

the further back you go,

57:58

the sweeter this fucking ride will

58:00

be, man. And the more wheels it

58:02

has and I'll have more wheels.

58:05

Two, three. Transfer me

58:07

for level three. That's for boy.

58:09

We're doing that's my boy. Alright.

58:10

My boy. That's my boy.

58:13

That's my boy. Oh,

58:15

that's right. I missed the board

58:17

completely on two.

58:20

Shit.

58:21

I'll get to level two. He moved up a line. Good. Move

58:23

up a line. Oh,

58:25

just short. Just short.

58:28

We go. Here we go. Here we

58:30

go. Hi in the bottom. You'll be

58:32

on the

58:33

bottom. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Now Dad,

58:36

what? There's no amount of stomping

58:38

that's gonna Oh. What does

58:40

this mean? Outside. You don't need to

58:42

you do not need to sacrifice a token here.

58:45

Outside. You

58:49

turn and see.

58:52

A beautiful sixty

58:55

three coupe, roaring

58:58

in flame.

58:59

I said it wasn't

59:02

ready with a

59:04

with a sticky note

59:06

on the side that says This

59:10

was point zero five

59:12

centimeters over the property

59:14

line.

59:15

Can't die hate. What? What's the name of

59:18

the neighbor? The neighbor

59:20

goes, keep it on your

59:22

side of the property. He

59:26

explodes in flame as a

59:28

jetpack. Explodes

59:30

on his back. You'll never

59:32

make it a hard ass tree.

59:35

CNN. Hell, you

59:38

goofy did beat that.

59:40

And that's where we're gonna take

59:42

our prey. 2

1:00:02

to a new year, my friends. A

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new year, a new

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you, as they

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say, What do you have planned for this year? Any big

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1:01:26

you fools.

1:01:28

Jake, do you know what I love

1:01:30

more than the trivia, comedy, and

1:01:32

celebrity guests on our podcast?

1:01:36

Go fact yourself? No. What, Helen? Sharing

1:01:38

all of those things with an actual

1:01:40

audience. Yes. Well, lucky for

1:01:43

you. Go fact yourself as back to being a live

1:01:45

audience show. Yeah. We've got a free

1:01:48

recording coming up on January fifteenth in Los

1:01:50

Angeles and February eleventh

1:01:52

in

1:01:52

Pasadena. And if you can't make it

1:01:54

fair, all of our recordings will still be available as a podcast. Twice

1:01:56

a month, every month on match

1:01:59

dot org. Yeah. No excuses. So

1:02:01

if you're not listening, you

1:02:03

can go back

1:02:06

to yourself.

1:02:08

Hey there. It's Annabelle

1:02:10

Gerwig. And I'm Laura House. We host

1:02:12

tiny victories, the fifteen minute podcast that's

1:02:16

about the little things. Getting into the tiny victory frame

1:02:18

of mind is about recognizing

1:02:20

minor accomplishments and

1:02:23

fleeting joys. Isn't it a wonderful

1:02:26

day when the first password you try actually works?

1:02:28

When it's freezing cold

1:02:32

out side and toasty as I'll get out in my shower.

1:02:34

My tiny victory is that I

1:02:36

turn off the water and get on

1:02:39

with my day. We can't change this big dumb world, but

1:02:41

we can celebrate the tiny wins. So

1:02:44

join us on maximum fun or

1:02:46

wherever you listen

1:02:48

to podcasts. Let's get

1:02:53

tiny.

1:03:20

Like, hallelujah.

1:03:22

You are healed.

1:03:24

The ghastly orange glow

1:03:28

of flame. Casting

1:03:30

broad shadows from our

1:03:33

four dads as

1:03:35

Guy Ferrari's Coupé

1:03:37

smolders and

1:03:40

flickers. Event.

1:03:44

Evet, the corvette is no more.

1:03:47

I have a a

1:03:50

big, like, skewer

1:03:52

of brought worse, and I'm like, oh, it would

1:03:55

be a shame to not utilize

1:03:57

2. It's what she

1:03:59

would have 2. Thank

1:04:01

you. Yes. I start sprinting the

1:04:02

fire to cook these gorgeous

1:04:05

beer bros on there.

1:04:07

You're gonna wanna turn those

1:04:10

I look

1:04:10

back at you with a look of disgust and

1:04:12

hatred. I'm going through

1:04:14

some shit. I forgive you.

1:04:17

I'll take my

1:04:20

medium, well, yeah, well done. Let's

1:04:22

go wild. He'll

1:04:25

take yours how I'll do and we'll serve it up to you.

1:04:32

And you run like I sissy.

1:04:34

No, man. Listen. Even

1:04:37

for the dead Dadlands,

1:04:40

We're bigger than

1:04:42

that. Everyone

1:04:46

go ahead and I'm gonna ask everyone

1:04:49

to pull a token right now and let me

1:04:52

know whether you got law

1:04:54

or chaos. Or

1:04:57

order chaos. I gotta

1:04:59

unzip my bed.

1:05:04

Chaos. Chaos. Chaos.

1:05:06

Chaos from I've got one chaos.

1:05:09

From my back. In the

1:05:11

depths of your sorrow.

1:05:14

Guy Ferrari. You see harsh

1:05:16

words bandied back and forth.

1:05:19

Brekett sniping back

1:05:21

at Chip Hugginsby red

1:05:24

criticizing you feel the

1:05:26

flickering of chaos amongst

1:05:29

your crew and know

1:05:31

that this chaos thrives. In

1:05:33

the advance of the marching order of

1:05:36

hard asses. Now

1:05:38

is the time where you must act.

1:05:40

You cannot fracture here.

1:05:43

We need to get an early

1:05:46

start.

1:05:52

I look at

1:05:56

guy and I take a

1:05:58

b and a single tier

1:05:59

starts to roll down my 2.

1:06:02

But I do need to ask, could

1:06:08

someone else

1:06:10

drive? No.

1:06:14

Oh,

1:06:14

he is really in bad shape.

1:06:16

Yeah. I mean, what is

1:06:19

a car, but a

1:06:22

grill with a steering wheel

1:06:24

and pedals

1:06:26

and an engine and

1:06:30

some belts and

1:06:32

liquid gasoline. But

1:06:35

you're gonna have to sit

1:06:37

shotgun with him because you

1:06:39

do get car sick. You can't

1:06:41

breathe facets of my character

1:06:43

into being without

1:06:46

my explicit

1:06:48

consent. Was

1:06:50

talking to him. Oh, okay. Yeah. I

1:06:54

don't. Hey.

1:06:54

You're thinking

1:06:55

someone else. This is

1:06:58

good stuff. You

1:07:00

see the science dad steps in and says, but

1:07:02

perhaps in another timeline. You

1:07:05

are swear to

1:07:06

god, you are making me want to

1:07:09

take a nap where I stand. Look, I'm gonna

1:07:11

come in and I'm gonna talk about the

1:07:14

stuff I like. Okay? And I

1:07:16

like timelines.

1:07:18

You see the You see

1:07:20

the

1:07:20

van? How did I come to your glass tower

1:07:22

with a book and ask you,

1:07:25

what's happened is your

1:07:25

mustache. Alright. Got more mustache

1:07:28

lights. You

1:07:31

motherfuckers roll up out of the

1:07:34

goddamn desert with a book and you

1:07:36

say, hey, can I

1:07:37

help? No. And I don't bother you

1:07:39

at all. Alright? I'm

1:07:42

out here training lizards. That's

1:07:43

what I

1:07:44

do all day. You see the you

1:07:47

see the van is starting to pull out

1:07:49

as Chip 2. It's just sort

1:07:51

of starting to back out. He's he's moving. Yeah.

1:07:53

Yeah. That's

1:07:54

what I thought. And finding wizard treats in the

1:07:57

postapocalypse is challenging.

1:07:58

Oh, hold on.

1:07:59

I might be able to help you with that. And

1:08:02

I

1:08:02

reach into my back,

1:08:04

and I pull out just

1:08:09

a porterhouse steak. Wrong?

1:08:12

No. I

1:08:15

grilled it this morning. A somehow

1:08:18

still sizzling hot porterhouse

1:08:20

steak comes

1:08:22

out of a thermally sealed compartment in your

1:08:24

apron. Yeah. His bag

1:08:25

is, like, one of those four dash bags

1:08:27

of the aluminum boilers. Inside money.

1:08:29

Actually that you say that, a lot of

1:08:31

think it's in in my torso.

1:08:37

It's just a little, like,

1:08:40

ready rack right there. It's like

1:08:42

a a crang situation, but for sinks.

1:08:46

He's the scientist says, well, that's

1:08:48

horrifying and fascinating, and I wanna talk

1:08:50

to you about it later. But You

1:08:55

are right. An early start is needed. The corn hole awaits

1:08:57

in the lands of the hard asses. I

1:08:59

wish you all the best. And

1:09:03

and you see as the

1:09:05

sun begins to rise, a single beam

1:09:07

of light enters the

1:09:09

the tower and you hear

1:09:11

and he goes, my lizards runs inside.

1:09:16

No.

1:09:19

That man has destroyed more animals with fire than

1:09:21

I could hope to in

1:09:23

a thousand

1:09:27

lifetimes. We we

1:09:30

have our squabbles. Yes. But we are

1:09:35

2 swords of flame,

1:09:38

just sharpening one each other. Chip Hugginsby's head is pounding

1:09:40

on the steering

1:09:43

wheel. The horn is You're

1:09:46

really

1:09:47

Yeah. When I get I get in

1:09:49

shotgun. Getting lasers

1:09:51

are going shotgun. For

1:09:56

death. And with that,

1:09:58

our four dads take

1:10:01

once again to

1:10:04

the wastelands headed for hard ass

1:10:06

country. Everybody's trapped in, got seatbelts on. Is

1:10:08

anyone in to go potty?

1:10:10

Because we're not

1:10:11

gonna 2 this around. Alright. So

1:10:14

we're on the road. We're doing I look

1:10:15

at coach Red Ruff

1:10:18

and Sword. Did you hear

1:10:23

the question? Do you or do you need to before we

1:10:26

head out? Yeah.

1:10:30

Right. It's okay. But just say it now and not five

1:10:32

minutes after we pull it out.

1:10:34

Have fun in the glass bathroom.

1:10:39

Fucking

1:10:39

embarrassing that coach, Red Ruffinsore, has to

1:10:41

go back inside of the science.

1:10:43

00I thought you

1:10:45

were asking me. You were

1:10:47

asking me. character needs to go

1:10:50

to the bathroom. No,

1:10:52

man. Alright. Smash

1:10:54

cut. Smash cut. The sun

1:10:56

rising. Hard ass

1:10:59

country. Stern chain link

1:11:04

fences. Mean looking

1:11:06

dogs covered in the waste of the desert. You see telltale

1:11:12

signs of

1:11:14

hard ass patrols. You see the ruined bones of dads.

1:11:21

What? Who would not

1:11:23

submit? Oh, okay. To the order of hard asses. You see

1:11:26

their skulls mounted on

1:11:28

pikes.

1:11:31

Damn,

1:11:31

Brennan. We're all trying to have a

1:11:34

fun time 2 friends. This is a

1:11:36

mixture of Mad

1:11:38

Max and Dad

1:11:40

stuff. Dad max. Dad dad. Dad.

1:11:42

Dad. Damn, I can't believe we didn't call this thing,

1:11:45

Dad max.

1:11:48

That sucks. It's

1:11:51

way

1:11:51

too late. It's way too late to

1:11:53

name it that now. Remember,

1:11:55

Dadland, though? I think we're all very

1:11:57

excited about that name.

1:11:58

Adjusted Mac or original creation. I

1:12:01

would like to, in an effort to try and

1:12:03

pass through the 2 with this sort

1:12:06

of deadbeat cloaking technology,

1:12:09

that we attempted and failed so so

1:12:11

just dramatically before the intermission. I

1:12:14

would like to attach

1:12:17

just some grills onto the side of the

1:12:19

car to just sort of produce a badass flame decal

1:12:21

on the side

1:12:24

of this grand caravan that

1:12:26

we're

1:12:26

driving. Hell Sadly, it is wood sited, so be careful. Amazing.

1:12:32

So you're gonna go ahead and try to

1:12:34

use some deadbeat technology to cloak the vehicle. Yeah. I'm gonna

1:12:36

ask for a two chip chaos

1:12:38

2 to get that done. K. That's

1:12:42

two cans. Two

1:12:48

cans. Wow.

1:12:51

also those listening at home? One of

1:12:54

the side effects of this method

1:12:58

is the dead eyed stare comes as --

1:13:00

around on our

1:13:03

groin

1:13:03

area. Yeah. At least

1:13:06

you stayed seated. Yes. That's

1:13:08

true. Huge

1:13:10

flames lick out from grills attached

1:13:12

to the side

1:13:15

of this minivan. A

1:13:19

true war wagon of the

1:13:21

desert Dadlands, flames rushed to

1:13:23

the side. And I just have

1:13:25

two half racks support ribs out

1:13:27

each window just like getting

1:13:29

a good color on them.

1:13:32

Incredible. You surge

1:13:34

forward, I'm gonna ask chip

1:13:37

Hugginsbee for a poll here as well. As you are moving

1:13:39

to the space because we have

1:13:41

guy riding shotgun,

1:13:44

briquette driving, red,

1:13:46

you've got this sort of parcel up done

1:13:48

in the back and shipped, I want a pull from you.

1:13:50

We're gonna call this I wanna see if you

1:13:53

can pull one order chip for me.

1:13:56

Looking for law.

1:13:57

Let's see. This is

1:13:59

the quietest of room filled

1:14:02

with this many people has ever

1:14:04

ever been. There

1:14:06

you go. He

1:14:11

didn't even look No. I mean, none

1:14:14

of us -- That was a lot of us are looking. Right? It's like a

1:14:15

rule of the game. You're

1:14:18

not supposed to look. Oh, okay.

1:14:22

Should you should it be a

1:14:24

rule of the game that you're not

1:14:26

allowed to look? You just assume

1:14:28

you got it right? Yeah. That is

1:14:30

a very dire thing. Yeah.

1:14:35

It's Cannon. Chip. As

1:14:38

you approach, though the

1:14:41

vehicle is disguised, you

1:14:43

see the horrifying project

1:14:45

unfolding as you approach

1:14:47

the capital of hard ass country, the seat

1:14:49

but can't die Pete, and

1:14:51

his army of

1:14:54

hard asses. A structure that begins to

1:14:56

fill your heart with a

1:14:58

sense of panicked madness, towering

1:15:02

towards the sky, are massive columns of burnt

1:15:04

wood. The recovered bones

1:15:06

of sawburg have been

1:15:09

brought here to

1:15:12

Hardass Country. And you see defying logic

1:15:14

or reason, catching it at an early distance

1:15:16

so that you can see it

1:15:18

before you are indeed under it.

1:15:21

A massive roof being built to block out

1:15:23

the entire landscape and you

1:15:26

begin to see posters of

1:15:30

a skull faced hard ass

1:15:33

father pointing out and

1:15:36

saying, while you're under my

1:15:38

roof, You follow

1:15:44

my rules. Fair.

1:15:48

Yeah. And on

1:15:51

that poll, I will

1:15:53

say one other thing,

1:15:56

Chip Hugginsby. Something stirs

1:15:58

deep in your heart. You look at the landscape, hard

1:16:04

ass architecture, bleach

1:16:06

white, bony, brutalist buildings, but the landscape,

1:16:09

there's something

1:16:12

familiar here. I

1:16:15

look around and

1:16:18

I notice

1:16:21

that that every trash can within

1:16:24

thirty steps of me.

1:16:26

And I know if

1:16:28

there's a trash can within

1:16:30

thirty steps no matter where I

1:16:32

am, It's gotta

1:16:35

be

1:16:37

Disney World.

1:16:40

In this moment,

1:16:43

you see what you can

1:16:45

only assume is sort of the

1:16:47

beating heart of this hard

1:16:51

ass, metropolis. You see various sort of

1:16:53

posters with stern figures. You see

1:16:55

there appears to be

1:16:57

sort of giant propagandistic posters There's

1:16:59

one of a a massive figure that

1:17:01

has two hooked hands

1:17:04

that's with the

1:17:06

name imperator, caster, Osteel. It

1:17:09

says, with just a giant block

1:17:11

letter sign, it just

1:17:14

says, knock it off.

1:17:18

In the center, you see there's the most buildings possible.

1:17:20

But you also see the city, there are

1:17:23

there's some sort of stoney

1:17:25

ridge towards the back, which has sort of

1:17:27

ancient carvings in it as well.

1:17:30

You're a cloaked for the

1:17:32

moment, so you see the hard asses

1:17:34

controlling the streets you see that they you know have

1:17:36

bright red polo shirts

1:17:38

that are tucked into

1:17:42

khaki shorts that are just so high,

1:17:44

just so high up over the

1:17:46

belly button and the bottom of the

1:17:48

shorts is like right where the nuts are.

1:17:50

It's like all the way up. And

1:17:53

then just the thickest white crew socks all the way up

1:17:55

to the knee and then thick white tennis

1:17:57

shoes and hairy

1:18:00

forearms and the watch

1:18:02

is so thick. It's amazing. They can even look right over there. There's just so everything's just so Yeah.

1:18:06

Let

1:18:07

him process this. They're

1:18:10

Dadlands. Yeah. For sure. You say that like it's a bad thing.

1:18:17

They patrol it with your deadbeat clocking technology you

1:18:19

move without being seen. Where

1:18:22

do you venture here?

1:18:25

In the heart and heart

1:18:27

ass country. Well,

1:18:29

where's the best

1:18:30

parking. I'm looking for that free

1:18:33

spot. You know what I mean?

1:18:35

Without something on either side. Yeah. Free spot, there's no meter. In the center

1:18:37

of the ruins of old

1:18:39

Disney world. Yes. Go

1:18:44

ahead and give me a pull. One pull

1:18:46

for order. I'm finding the best parking spot.

1:18:52

Alright. It's Wow,

1:18:56

our token. You

1:19:00

find what you feel to be the best spot.

1:19:02

You see that there's a great spot that you

1:19:05

can back right into It's Friday

1:19:08

alternate side of the street park.

1:19:10

Who's your fucking keys? He's shouting.

1:19:12

You pull the car into

1:19:14

this spot. You see that the street

1:19:16

signs here are absolutely ludicrous. You see there's,

1:19:18

like, barbed wire and crossed spheres behind

1:19:20

them, and then just this

1:19:23

intense thing of, like, Sunday

1:19:25

from six AM to eight AM, only permit side of the street. We've designated it from this side of

1:19:27

the industry. And everything

1:19:30

has that weird little Fidora

1:19:34

wearing neighborhood watch guy on it. We're suspicious.

1:19:40

Mhmm. You find parking there. You

1:19:42

see several paths going from this place.

1:19:44

There is one path that

1:19:46

leads up onto a 2. Headed

1:19:49

towards this massive rusting tower of burnt wood

1:19:51

and scorched parts

1:19:55

at the center you get

1:19:58

the feeling that that might be the

1:20:00

sort of the the actual, like, you know, imperator,

1:20:02

can't IP, although that power structure might be there.

1:20:05

But you see behind you as

1:20:08

well, I think Chip, you noticed this too,

1:20:10

that there are some cordoned off caves in this rock

1:20:12

wall that

1:20:15

have some archaeological signs of

1:20:17

older structures underneath them.

1:20:20

And you see that some of

1:20:22

those doors that are sealed off

1:20:24

have symbols on them.

1:20:26

You see one symbol of a a baseball mitt and a ball

1:20:31

going towards it. You see

1:20:34

another of beautiful picnic table, laden with brats and hot

1:20:36

dogs. You see

1:20:39

another one of happy.

1:20:44

Looks like multiple people. Are they

1:20:46

all dads? You can't quite be

1:20:48

sure, but they're all

1:20:50

singing in a car together. Musical

1:20:53

notes carved into the

1:20:54

rock, and you see one with a

1:21:00

And two other

1:21:03

smaller circles. The Olympics.

1:21:09

Towards the end, they canceled peace and

1:21:11

dignity, such as the three

1:21:14

circles, the symbolic circles that

1:21:16

remain. Endurance,

1:21:20

sportsmanship, timing.

1:21:24

Gatorade. Gatorade.

1:21:26

Gatorade. That's what fills in the circles. Well,

1:21:29

that doesn't look like

1:21:31

anything. Let's go. Wait

1:21:34

now. Hold on. Now Yeah.

1:21:36

Chip. The Chip walks down

1:21:38

to the the so there's

1:21:40

one door that has Wait.

1:21:42

I put on the aloha shirt. Yo. Yeah.

1:21:44

We all yeah. We all put those

1:21:46

on. Yeah. Nice try trying to classic DM trick. Trying to trick us. I

1:21:49

go I go to

1:21:51

the the Mickey door and I

1:21:53

take the book we

1:21:54

got, and I just rub it off

1:21:55

the top. And I I think it's something like this. This is this

1:21:57

and this is why

1:21:59

we keep you around. Seems

1:22:02

to be Our puzzle our puzzle got

1:22:04

chip Hugginsby. I never in

1:22:06

a million years, man. That

1:22:08

is some real lateral stuff. As you

1:22:10

rub the book on the door, the book

1:22:13

and door glows and the door

1:22:15

creaks open, you have

1:22:17

solved my Disney door puzzle.

1:22:19

Wait. Wait. Wait.

1:22:21

Hold on, man.

1:22:24

Chip, rub the book on

1:22:26

our doors too. I'm already in

1:22:28

I take

1:22:29

the secret weapon and that's

1:22:32

wrapped up and put

1:22:34

it in the bowling ball

1:22:36

bag. So I don't have to.

1:22:38

Okay. I rub it on my door. I don't know why dad is milking this. No. You get us your weapon in that

1:22:43

bowling ball bag. You head to your door as

1:22:46

well. As the book closed, you see that all of them open. I'm gonna need everyone

1:22:48

here to give me a poll

1:22:50

and I wanna see a

1:22:52

chaos. Chip

1:22:54

if you can. It's gonna

1:22:57

be hard to do. And I'm

1:22:59

not supposed to look. No. Damn

1:23:02

it.

1:23:03

Shit. Alright. None

1:23:06

of you lose

1:23:08

those tokens,

1:23:10

but as Chip disappears down the

1:23:12

Disney door, that was me,

1:23:14

dad, and Griffin all

1:23:17

got law, Justin got a chaos.

1:23:19

Travis is the only one making this listenable in

1:23:21

the future. Thank

1:23:24

you, Travis. You

1:23:26

see that just inside each door, all

1:23:32

all three of you see

1:23:34

that just past the door

1:23:36

is a amazing, like, perfectly

1:23:38

worn just the right amount bark

1:23:41

a lounger. There's a reclining chair and you

1:23:43

can just all tell it's the good chair inside each one. How

1:23:49

how much longer do we have in

1:23:51

the live show? Am I so I don't actually this as well

1:23:56

But I want it as as the

1:23:58

three of you see these see these chairs It's it's muscle memory.

1:24:01

I'd walk towards it

1:24:03

already, like, getting my my

1:24:06

little lunch

1:24:06

going. Right. I mean, you know, wait. What do I what's going on mean? You see it, and with your pull

1:24:09

of a cast

1:24:11

token, you realize only

1:24:14

a moment too late that it's

1:24:17

trapped. The three of you

1:24:19

take a seat and all

1:24:21

the same one big share or three

1:24:23

Three separate shares. Three separate shares. You all take

1:24:25

a seat and all of you here in

1:24:28

automated. Nice try buddy. Nice

1:24:30

try buddy. Nice try buddy. Nice

1:24:32

try and alarms go off and you

1:24:34

hear the thumping feet of hard asses.

1:24:40

However, chip you had having not

1:24:42

sat in that seat, you do see that deeper into the caverns, you

1:24:44

smell 2 dust and

1:24:47

fresh air. Whatever you 2

1:24:49

these doors has opened doors in all four chambers further

1:24:51

in. You hear people pursuing you. Do

1:24:53

you continue further into

1:24:56

the cavern? Are we

1:24:58

in separate chambers? Are we Yeah. At this point, you were all just taking a look inside, but now you've all

1:25:01

walked into

1:25:04

separate chambers. Further

1:25:07

in? Or do you go back

1:25:09

out to face the hard asses?

1:25:10

Well, you see, Brennan, life is

1:25:13

a highway. Yeah. And I wanna ride

1:25:15

it all night long. So I head deeper into

1:25:20

2, we're they're hard at

1:25:22

work. Well, I thought you were just Justin. Oh, no. were

1:25:25

security measures

1:25:28

set up knowing that a dad

1:25:30

could not resist sitting in one. Oh, I'm sorry. I

1:25:31

thought we had been restrained to these chairs. No. No. No.

1:25:33

No. 2 an alarm system. You

1:25:35

sat in them. They

1:25:38

know you're here. You may continue

1:25:40

further. I mean, the alarms are already going.

1:25:42

I'm gonna enjoy myself. Like, you know what

1:25:44

I mean? Like, it has come

1:25:47

at such tremendous cost. I must extract every moment of sweet relaxation. You

1:25:53

get every moment you can. I'm gonna run over here

1:25:55

to Chip. Chip, you surge further in. You see them. Signs.

1:26:01

Ancient rails of what could

1:26:03

have been roller coasters, fractured plastic

1:26:05

of what might have been a

1:26:07

spinning tea cup. You

1:26:11

look around and you begin to feel 2. You

1:26:13

begin to feel the

1:26:16

presence of continuity obliterating

1:26:18

recurrent new

1:26:19

what I say? Continuity obliterating

1:26:24

recurrent neutrinos. You

1:26:30

push forward.

1:26:32

You begin to

1:26:35

see that these caverns have

1:26:37

an ancient technology coming to life around them. Almost like this is a

1:26:39

living, breathing piece

1:26:43

of some ancient spacecraft

1:26:45

from some energy source you can't possibly

1:26:48

recognize. And as it

1:26:50

starts to light up, you

1:26:53

see and hear other

1:26:55

visions of other lives you could have led and you

1:27:00

arrive at a

1:27:02

chamber that sort of sputters

1:27:04

into holographic life. And

1:27:06

there is a humanoid figure

1:27:09

composed of sort of

1:27:11

fractal ones and zeros holographically who looks at you. And

1:27:15

you get the sensation in this chamber

1:27:18

that this is once again

1:27:20

some sort of

1:27:23

test or puzzle The

1:27:26

figure floats and goes, they're they're so so tired.

1:27:29

They're so

1:27:32

so tired.

1:27:35

Do we really need to drive forty five

1:27:37

minutes to see the world's

1:27:39

biggest kaleidoscope. I

1:27:44

start like rubbing the book

1:27:46

on the figure, just sort of waving it through, like,

1:27:48

back and

1:27:49

forth. That's my one

1:27:51

move I have.

1:27:54

I feel like

1:27:58

this is something. Okay.

1:28:01

Give me a chip pull. I'm we

1:28:03

need a we need a chaos. Okay. Okay. Good

1:28:10

work? Oh, that's a blue,

1:28:13

that's a

1:28:16

law token. So you

1:28:18

rub the book on a you rub the book on a hologram and there's no it

1:28:19

of it's

1:28:23

a white saber.

1:28:27

Okay. I'd turn the

1:28:29

book upside down and

1:28:32

try again. With

1:28:35

cornhole. Let's do

1:28:37

it. There we

1:28:40

go. How many bags,

1:28:42

Brennan? So I'm gonna say unless

1:28:44

you can tie this into vacation

1:28:46

dating. Somehow, it's gonna be one bag, unless you can fund factor

1:28:50

2 to three. I

1:28:53

think it's

1:28:55

obvious everybody to an extent where

1:28:58

I don't even need to dignify

1:29:00

that. With

1:29:03

an answer. So

1:29:07

just two then. Just

1:29:10

the two or one. How many? Yeah.

1:29:12

We'll do you know, I can't knock

1:29:14

the hustle. You can get 2 two.

1:29:19

I'm gonna try at second bigger go home baby or go small

1:29:22

or go small or go small or go

1:29:24

small or go home. I'm gonna

1:29:26

try for me and that's my

1:29:28

boy. Here we go.

1:29:30

Okay.

1:29:30

Here's the first bean bag.arching to the air.

1:29:31

Oh. Off the right.

1:29:34

Corner. Here's the second one.

1:29:37

He missed the board

1:29:39

altogether. He it. I don't need that.

1:29:41

I don't need that. I don't

1:29:44

deserve it. Chip,

1:29:48

you feel yourself

1:29:52

being extruded through

1:29:55

time and

1:29:56

space. Which is

1:29:58

the worst way to go through

1:30:00

time and space. You don't wanna

1:30:02

be extruded? No. You hear voices.

1:30:05

Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah.

1:30:07

Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah.

1:30:10

Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah.

1:30:12

Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah. Dah.

1:30:14

Dah. Dah. You can't recognize these voices. You don't know

1:30:17

what they mean. You don't know what they

1:30:19

are. But something is saying

1:30:22

that it wouldn't be cool to go to the world's largest kaleidoscope.

1:30:24

I know it's sex,

1:30:26

but it's in a fun

1:30:28

way. And it is important

1:30:30

to me as a kid. Just

1:30:33

look at the how

1:30:35

the deer's

1:30:36

lots of different reds. Lights go

1:30:38

dark and the last thing you feel

1:30:41

are the hands of hard asses grabbing you and

1:30:43

pulling you out of the chamber. We're gonna move to 2

1:30:49

Hey. So in your

1:30:50

parking lounger, you're at the beginning of

1:30:52

your

1:30:53

chamber. You hear hard asses approaching

1:30:55

you. Alright. God damn.

1:30:59

I dump out a grill

1:31:00

like behind me as I

1:31:02

run towards the cavern. Mhmm.

1:31:05

You dump out a grill

1:31:07

hot coals sort of scatter across. You

1:31:09

could buy yourself a little bit

1:31:11

of time. You run

1:31:14

ever deeper. Into the cavern. You

1:31:16

arrive at a similar

1:31:18

holographic chamber, strange figures made

1:31:21

of these binary pieces of

1:31:23

code floating in three-dimensional yeah. Oh, I'm

1:31:30

just saying this

1:31:32

looks fucking awesome.

1:31:35

A holographic flame. Appears

1:31:38

in front of you. 2

1:31:41

to cook a real

1:31:43

hotdog on him. You go for

1:31:45

a real hotdog,

1:31:46

and what you pull out of

1:31:48

that, right, if you're the normals for

1:31:51

storage, my

1:31:51

chest, catheter, your chest

1:31:54

cavity. The room reanimates

1:31:56

and recodes those and you

1:31:58

see you are holding zucchinis.

1:32:01

Well, not impossible to grill. Not impossible to grill, but you hear

1:32:04

a voice

1:32:07

saying to you. 2. It

1:32:10

would just I would consider it a favor. Could

1:32:13

you just I would consider it a

1:32:15

favor. If you would just

1:32:18

make some grilled veggies for our friend, friend, friends, friends,

1:32:22

friends,

1:32:23

friends. Our

1:32:26

from are France? Are

1:32:30

there no more

1:32:34

friends? Yeah. Wait. I'm confused. Dads

1:32:36

can be friends. Can't they? Well, not in

1:32:38

this world. You're

1:32:39

like, you don't think so. Oh,

1:32:42

there's there's chondler and an phobia. Yes, sir.

1:32:50

I take a look

1:32:52

at it and try to get excited

1:32:54

about it. And I'm gonna close my

1:32:57

eyes and enter a deep

1:32:59

sort of interior grilling meditative

1:33:02

state where I

1:33:05

can sort of project

1:33:07

the image of this zucchini is

1:33:10

actually sort of a large sort of lumpy hot

1:33:12

dog. Just

1:33:15

a sort of mental projection, so I don't have to confront the

1:33:17

fact that I am grilling a non meat

1:33:19

based product. Alright. Let's

1:33:22

see some corn oil. Let's

1:33:26

do let's do three.

1:33:29

2 we

1:33:32

go. To

1:33:42

the air. Oh, just to the left. Yeah. It was on the board but not in the hole. Just to the right.

1:33:44

Here's the next one. Oh,

1:33:46

to

1:33:47

the left. Too much 2

1:33:50

to be gone. And he's moved up to

1:33:56

second distance. SIP. He

1:33:58

did not get it. He did not work. No.

1:34:01

You go to

1:34:04

a deep internal

1:34:08

place. Zucchini is just

1:34:10

a type of meat. If

1:34:12

you really think about

1:34:15

it, what is a plant, if not,

1:34:18

an animal. An animal.

1:34:22

If you read -- Really? -- a ground animal

1:34:24

from sun and water. A ground

1:34:26

animal from sun and water. It

1:34:29

doesn't scream when you cook it.

1:34:31

You go deep internally and the only thing

1:34:33

that could drag you out of

1:34:35

your meditative state. Is

1:34:39

being thrown to the floor by the

1:34:41

hard asses that surrounds you suddenly

1:34:43

in this moment. We're gonna cut

1:34:45

from you. We're gonna go

1:34:47

to Guy Ferrari. Yeah? Yeah.

1:34:51

Yeah. Yeah. Guy.

1:34:56

Yeah. You go deep

1:34:58

into the caverns ancient technology, to illuminating,

1:35:00

thrumming to life in

1:35:02

the presence of the book.

1:35:06

You arrive and in

1:35:09

the holographic chamber,

1:35:12

there is a physical

1:35:15

seat. And a car forms around it. Mhmm. You

1:35:17

feel the humming of an engine

1:35:19

and movement. But try though,

1:35:22

you might, the roots that

1:35:24

appear front in front of

1:35:26

you to that you are unfamiliar. You are lost.

1:35:32

You feel a tapping

1:35:34

on your shoulder and up ahead, you see a local

1:35:40

waiving and smiling,

1:35:43

someone from the area. wave.

1:35:49

See your plates

1:35:52

are out

1:35:56

of stage. Yeah.

1:36:07

I've never seen someone do their

1:36:09

own sort of game

1:36:11

mixing live. I've

1:36:14

never seen somebody interior fader

1:36:16

before. That was

1:36:19

incredible. Thank

1:36:19

you. Guy,

1:36:24

What do you do?

1:36:26

Well, of course, immediate reaction. I wanna ignore them. But but

1:36:32

Right now, guys in

1:36:35

his own deep dark forest

1:36:39

of the soul, and

1:36:40

doesn't know his way out. And it thinks about

1:36:43

the moment of

1:36:43

asking someone for help and

1:36:45

having someone else drive

1:36:48

the car.

1:36:50

And how it ate. Thank you. How

1:36:52

it enabled him

1:36:54

to move forward and against

1:36:57

seemingly his

1:36:58

own will he pulls over to Ashley directions. Same.

1:37:04

Three bags.

1:37:05

Go for

1:37:07

it. I even left my own bags

1:37:09

on the board for you as

1:37:12

a sort of

1:37:15

homing. Oh, okay. Okay.

1:37:17

That's they if they got it, you realize if you hit either of my bags

1:37:19

which were flanking the hole, it was not going

1:37:21

to go into the hole in the first

1:37:23

play. Okay.

1:37:25

2 position.

1:37:27

Here's the first one. He's coming from the first

1:37:29

line. Before. You have failed to fly. This

1:37:32

looks

1:37:34

like a fire Oh, man. I had stopped

1:37:36

her right there. Man,

1:37:38

I can't hold. Yes.

1:37:41

First one was a

1:37:43

dangler rim. I got it,

1:37:46

but I'm gonna go

1:37:47

again. Here we go. Here

1:37:50

we go. First one are down.

1:37:53

Oh my god. We're going all the way

1:37:55

down. you all People in the front three

1:37:58

rows. I want you to practice

1:38:03

hands sort of boxing around your face and

1:38:05

then chopping any object that

1:38:07

may come

1:38:10

at you violently. My brother, my brother is not liable for any.

1:38:12

Oh my god. It

1:38:14

was very close.

1:38:15

Almost there. First one

1:38:17

in.

1:38:18

It's okay. You already got one.

1:38:21

Nice. Credible. Alright. That was that was so

1:38:23

close. It was so close.

1:38:31

You stop as you

1:38:34

Better than a rinse.

1:38:40

You stop. You roll

1:38:42

down your window. You

1:38:44

hear new powerful crystal computational

1:38:46

engines and structures around

1:38:48

you. But

1:38:51

the little timeline convergence

1:38:53

will be administered, but

1:38:55

no new continuity

1:38:58

discovered. You roll down the window and the figure leans over.

1:39:00

How you doing there, mister? It

1:39:02

looks like you're looking for

1:39:05

your way out.

1:39:08

guess, If you say so, it's

1:39:10

alright. Here's what you're gonna

1:39:12

do. Don't tell

1:39:15

anyone about this. This

1:39:16

dies with us. You

1:39:19

hear, go straight until

1:39:21

you get to

1:39:23

Tom Rowland's house. Not his new

1:39:25

one, his old one. And you're gonna bear. Right.

1:39:27

Keep going past the old

1:39:29

Kellogg's ridge, then cut through

1:39:32

the ax road

1:39:34

where they do the flea market on Sundays. Yeah. Another one get

1:39:36

it. And

1:39:41

you realize that you do know these references

1:39:43

somehow and know these things. And the voice a

1:39:47

voice from the direction from when you felt a hand

1:39:50

on your shoulder just says,

1:39:56

thank you. We're

1:39:57

gonna cut to Red Ruff and

1:39:59

Thor. Yeah. Yeah. We added lore to the Dadlands. We added lots of

1:40:02

lore. Lots of lore.

1:40:08

Red. You are you

1:40:10

are in your cavern as

1:40:12

well. Moving

1:40:15

further in, you see

1:40:17

the holographic chamber

1:40:20

lights up.

1:40:22

Plasma screen, 0LED.

1:40:26

The game is just

1:40:30

getting started. You

1:40:33

hear the

1:40:36

whistle blown. Sucks,

1:40:43

sucks, sucks. Sucks. Hey,

1:40:46

do you

1:40:47

hear that sound? That was the

1:40:49

sound of the audience asking

1:40:51

for their money back.

1:40:53

Come on. Now listen, I know that that's not the only witness. Matt, you hooked

1:40:55

it under special old man hearing

1:41:00

aid. Matt?

1:41:02

Thank you,

1:41:03

Mac. Mac,

1:41:04

I swanda John if you

1:41:06

pull

1:41:07

another. No. No. No.

1:41:09

No. Map, nodded to the

1:41:12

microphone.

1:41:13

Good. I'll make

1:41:15

you eat it.

1:41:17

Brandon, I swear to God, man. When you

1:41:19

when fart your I swear God, don't another one You're gonna eat it.

1:41:24

Incredible. That incredible that of

1:41:26

all the things that have

1:41:28

happened on stage tonight. I'd

1:41:31

say it's extremely credible. The

1:41:35

comfort you feel,

1:41:39

the game

1:41:43

begins. And the player on the team

1:41:45

that you said was underrated

1:41:47

and that all your

1:41:49

friends told you they

1:41:51

were a

1:41:52

hack. You see they score

1:41:54

a touchdown in the first minute of the game. Wow. Prove you right.

1:41:59

And they're on your fantasy team.

1:41:59

on your fantasy team.

1:42:01

You hear a voice

1:42:04

behind you. 2

1:42:06

this Red, red. It's

1:42:10

Sunday night, tomorrow's the

1:42:11

workweek. You said you weren't

1:42:14

gonna clean the gutters this weekend.

1:42:19

How many

1:42:24

bags? You've got to

1:42:26

respond

1:42:27

first. That is something. Who

1:42:30

are you?

1:42:31

A good start. You realize you

1:42:33

don't know who this voice is.

1:42:35

Something is strange. You

1:42:39

can feel them floating around the same molecular forces that were in

1:42:41

the tower of the science dead. They're here

1:42:43

as well. Something strange you feel like

1:42:46

you've known this in another life or

1:42:48

another I am.

1:42:50

Yeah.

1:42:50

That didn't help. No. I'm No. I'm

1:42:55

watching the game. Ill

1:42:57

with your girders. Okay. Now you saw

1:42:59

what I did. Right?

1:42:59

You were also in the

1:43:02

room when I get a thing.

1:43:04

Right? No.

1:43:07

In a different room. He is in

1:43:09

a different room, Travis. With

1:43:11

respect to fiction. Go

1:43:17

ahead and I'm gonna ask for a

1:43:19

cornhole throw one

1:43:24

bag. One bag. Whoa. One bag.

1:43:26

Wait. Get that get that stomper off of there.

1:43:28

Or else, there

1:43:31

could be a mixed Jesus

1:43:34

Christ. Thank God

1:43:34

for the placement of

1:43:35

the fanny pack. Alright,

1:43:35

Mac. No. It's not

1:43:38

a slam dunk. Okay.

1:43:43

Where is this man going to think he can

1:43:45

2. This is going to be

1:43:48

a 2

1:43:51

to remember. Hubris, Diane Amos claims.

1:43:53

He is three levels back.

1:43:55

Alright. This is all the

1:43:58

way from that's my boy. He

1:44:00

has changed his digital fanny pack

1:44:02

to a baseball

1:44:03

animation. Dad has not fracked him.

1:44:05

Wait. Can we

1:44:08

place aside bet on whether or not it

1:44:10

hits the board. You know, I think he's gonna ace it. I believe I don't see

1:44:12

it. Here

1:44:13

we go. It's

1:44:16

a swish. That's high.

1:44:18

Boy. That's high. What what play is he

1:44:23

gonna go with? Slid

1:44:31

right

1:44:36

down the top, so close.

1:44:38

The voice dissipates. You continue to watch the game 2

1:44:42

the game is incredible.

1:44:45

First, second, third quarter, end of the

1:44:47

fourth quarter. And fourth quarter, they did a

1:44:49

fourth y too. That's like

1:44:51

all of them.

1:44:52

2 me

1:44:55

there's overtime, Brandon. Right

1:44:58

before the right before

1:45:00

the kick in overtime,

1:45:02

right as you're about to see whether they win or

1:45:05

not.

1:45:05

You paves your pants.

1:45:08

The club of

1:45:11

a hard ass connects with the

1:45:13

back of your head

1:45:15

and you go unconscious. Guy. Yeah. You

1:45:19

and you alone see the final

1:45:22

door open to revealing a

1:45:24

chamber. There

1:45:27

in the middle of a Helix in one

1:45:29

of the ancient laboratories at the

1:45:31

heart of Disney World.

1:45:33

The home of

1:45:36

the imagineers, a

1:45:41

glass column of pure, imagineering

1:45:43

fluid. That's what

1:45:47

they use. Yeah. It's

1:45:51

Cannon. You said it. Yes.

1:45:53