My wife doesn't respect me! What I am going to do about that?

This is a refrain we often hear from husbands.

Obviously, we would all hope that our partners would treat us with kindness and respect, but sometimes that’s not the dynamic we have established. If we were talking directly to your wife, we’d be giving her her own coaching, but assuming we’re talking to you, the husband, we’ll focus on what you have some control over, namely your own behavior and how you communicate with her.

Not being respected can show up for you in a myriad of different ways. You might experience that she …

- Belittles you

- Emasculates you

- Puts you down

- Nags

- Criticizes

- Withholds affection, touch, love, sex

- Doesn’t appreciate you

- Doesn’t acknowledge the things you do do

- Questions your choices

- Doesn’t trust you

- Talks down about you to other people

- Tries to control or micro-manage you

Or perhaps it’s something else for you?

When you have the experience that your wife doesn't respect you, there's her responsibility in that situation, and there’s your responsibility. It’s not all on her, nor is it all on you. It’s a co-created dynamic. When we coach couples, we help each person take their share of ownership. As mentioned above, we’ll focus on what you can do to change this dynamic and in effect encourage her to respect and appreciate you more.

For starters, look at what she’s judging you for. What is she criticizing you for?

Then, take an honest look at yourself and ask, What’s the grain of truth in what she’s saying about me? Notice, we say “a grain of truth”, i.e. it’s not the full story about you.

Next thing to focus on …

Listen to the episode to get all the tips.