0:00

Welcome , welcome , welcome . This is Dr Emanquor

0:02

, and each week we will bring you an important

0:04

message as we explore how

0:07

to detox toxic relationships

0:09

. The aim of this podcast is

0:11

for you to unlock your own inner

0:13

knowing , your own inner greatness

0:16

, so you can know how to heal

0:18

from the impact of a toxic relationship

0:20

, so you can get your life back on track

0:23

and live your best life . After

0:25

all , we are all worthy of

0:27

loving our life After

0:36

narcissistic abuse . So many

0:38

people ask certain questions

0:41

and sometimes we can

0:43

go over these questions over and

0:45

over again . Why can't

0:47

I let go ? How did this happen

0:49

? Why do I

0:52

hold on to this pain

0:54

, even though it's hurting ? Why

0:56

can't I just let go of

0:58

everything that this person

1:01

done to me ? How do I

1:03

let go ? Unfortunately

1:05

, it's not as simple as

1:07

just starting over or

1:10

just getting over a normal

1:13

, healthy relationship . So

1:15

how do I let go of the past identity

1:18

I've created and the stories

1:20

? We looked at some of this

1:23

last week in terms of the stories

1:25

that we tell . And I want to

1:27

dig even deeper and

1:30

I've reached to Eckhart Tolle's

1:32

work to help navigate some

1:35

of this . The common trauma responses

1:38

, because rumination

1:41

is one of the common

1:43

trauma responses that

1:45

gets overseen

1:48

, because it's the inability

1:51

to be able to process

1:54

everything that's happened . And

1:56

I really want to explore this Because

1:59

a lot of the times , rumination

2:01

occurs to people or

2:03

is a common trauma response

2:05

to people that are really good at

2:08

analyzing things . So

2:12

why is there an inability

2:14

to

2:17

stop the rumination and

2:19

why is rumination so difficult

2:22

to deal with and live

2:24

with ? It's because rumination

2:27

actually stops us from actually

2:29

being present in the now , and

2:32

from last week , one

2:35

of the comments was that it's really

2:38

resonated with Eckhart Tolle's work

2:40

. So I've gone to it and got my book

2:42

out again , so we're going to explore

2:44

this further and how it applies to narcissistic

2:47

abuse . So if you have been

2:49

in a situation where you're listening

2:51

to someone talk about the same thing

2:53

over and over again , maybe

2:56

even for decades , and actually you're

2:58

finding that you're holding

3:00

onto something for so long

3:02

and it's like you're stuck in

3:04

a maze of going in

3:06

a loop , round and round and life

3:09

is carrying on and you feel stuck

3:11

and you just don't know if there is a

3:13

way out , if you can ever stop , and

3:16

you might have even got to a point where you're thinking

3:18

I'm just going to carry on the way I am

3:20

because there's no way of stopping this and

3:22

it's becoming an addiction . You

3:25

might be trying so

3:27

hard to find a

3:29

way out and if you were to

3:31

look at yourself as if

3:33

you're looking at a friend a good

3:35

friend you will start

3:37

to see that you're struggling

3:40

and you're suffering

3:42

, but there's still a part

3:44

of you that's unwilling to

3:47

break free because

3:49

you're stuck in an old

3:51

identity or

3:53

perhaps is a current identity

3:55

, and that can be

3:57

the frustration of

4:00

being in a trauma bond sometimes

4:02

. So if there is

4:04

someone that's watching or listening

4:06

and is thinking , yeah , I know someone

4:09

that is going through this or you're actually seeing

4:11

actually it's me and

4:14

you know this is kind of off

4:16

but you're consistently

4:19

in this psychological pain

4:21

, this loop , and you can't figure out

4:23

how to break free

4:25

and feel that sense of harmony

4:27

internally where you can

4:29

get peace , then carry

4:32

on listening to this podcast . But before

4:34

we dive in , a quick

4:36

message if you've been listening

4:38

and watching to this but

4:40

you haven't had a moment yet

4:43

to click on the subscribe button , if

4:46

you have gained anything at

4:48

all that's valuable from this series

4:50

or or the podcast , honestly

4:53

it would mean so much

4:55

to me if you could click and

4:57

subscribe on the button

4:59

right now , because it is

5:01

your support . It's only

5:03

through people like you

5:05

and me that have been through this

5:07

, so that not only

5:09

will you be able to

5:12

get access to the free releases

5:14

first and get notified

5:16

when you know a podcast or

5:18

video comes out , but you

5:20

will support other people

5:23

to find this information , you

5:25

will support other people in healing

5:28

from narcissistic abuse

5:30

and it will help me to

5:32

continue with the content . So

5:35

thank you so much again

5:37

, as always , for your support

5:39

. It genuinely means so

5:42

much to me to be able

5:44

to continue to do this work so

5:47

that we can all create

5:49

more freedom from narcissistic

5:53

trauma in the world , not

5:55

just for yourself , but for others around

5:57

you . So make sure you do click

5:59

and subscribe and

6:01

let's dive into the conversation

6:04

. So , after observing

6:06

people that are super

6:09

smart and

6:11

they're in this situation where they've got a

6:13

trauma bond , people that

6:16

are super good at analyzing

6:18

and they're good at fixing

6:21

things and overcoming difficult

6:23

situations . They're really

6:25

good at making connections and seeing

6:28

things that other people can't

6:30

see . They are smart

6:32

. These people

6:34

and this could be you that I'm talking about

6:36

you can get stuck in

6:38

a trauma bond for longer . Why

6:41

? Because of the rumination

6:44

. Rumination is when we

6:46

go over everything again and again

6:48

, and again in our head and

6:51

we're reliving the scenario and

6:53

I did talk about this in the last podcast

6:55

, but I want to build on on it

6:58

with this one rumination

7:00

means we're reliving

7:02

what's happened now . What

7:05

happens when we relive something ? Our

7:07

brain actually doesn't know

7:10

if it's real or not . It

7:12

will create the same

7:14

hormones , the same

7:17

toxic chemicals in

7:19

the body as if it's happening

7:22

right now . So

7:24

what does that mean for you if it means

7:26

that the chemicals in your body are

7:28

being released over and over

7:31

again , so you

7:33

can't fully detox

7:35

from the kebbing calls and

7:37

you get more and more addicted

7:39

? So imagine , you

7:42

know you've got a cocktail

7:44

of drugs being pumped

7:47

into you every single time you

7:49

talk about what they've done or you relive

7:52

it going round in your head . Look

7:54

, I know

7:57

that there's going to be challenges . There's

7:59

going to be things that come our way as

8:01

human beings , but there'll

8:04

be more challenges coming your way

8:06

after you're trying to get out

8:08

of a toxic relationship . As

8:11

we continue to grow and evolve

8:13

, you will experience

8:15

stress , there will be a release

8:18

of these chemicals , but

8:20

it's after a toxic relationship

8:22

. If we don't stop retelling

8:24

the story , we've

8:27

lost that kind of baseline

8:29

, everyday baseline , you know

8:31

, of peace and harmony . So

8:33

there's going to be times where that

8:36

you will feel stress , you will feel

8:38

increased emotions or

8:42

those chemicals being pumped into your

8:44

body , but your baseline

8:46

has shifted and in

8:49

a toxic relationship , your baseline

8:51

has shifted and we're not shifting

8:53

that baseline back . So there's a level

8:56

of peace and harmony a

8:58

lot of the time and we can't

9:00

figure out how to get back to our normal

9:02

, authentic self . Look

9:05

, when we're going through healing after

9:07

a toxic relationship , you

9:09

might be going through a lot

9:12

of issues around the

9:14

illusion that we've been living in . There

9:16

could be illusion around the finances

9:19

. Perhaps you're having to divorce

9:22

because they've created an illusion

9:24

that you were in a loving relationship

9:26

and now they're with somebody

9:28

else there's so much betrayal or

9:31

just the illusion of around

9:34

the breakup . Or

9:36

it could be that you're having to

9:38

change your career now also

9:40

because you've just not been

9:43

on your A game or being

9:45

. You found that the narcissistic

9:48

, toxic relationship impacted

9:50

your confidence so much and your self-esteem

9:53

, or that the chemicals that you

9:55

were releasing created a lot of panic attacks

9:57

or anxiety . It's

10:01

normal and it's understandable

10:03

that this relationship

10:05

would have impacted you in some

10:07

way , shape or form in

10:09

your life , not just the relationship

10:11

, but in lots of different ways . How

10:14

, then , can we be in the

10:17

present moment ? You can't

10:19

be in the now when you're constantly

10:21

thinking about all

10:23

the things that have happened , because

10:26

you have to deal with all these problems

10:28

on a day to day level and it's

10:30

taking up all this energy , any energy

10:32

that you have . You

10:34

may have a challenge that you

10:37

immediately need to deal with

10:39

. For instance

10:41

, if you were going for a walk and

10:44

a lion turned up , you're not going to

10:46

be thinking about all

10:48

the things that are going on in your life . You're going

10:50

to be dealing with how do I

10:52

keep myself safe here

10:55

? Interestingly

10:57

, we do get into the present moment

10:59

, with forgetting everything else

11:01

and our heads not going

11:03

to be ruminating about all the things

11:06

that are going round and round in our head before

11:08

. We have to learn

11:11

somehow , because it is possible

11:13

for us , if we need to

11:16

, to be able to

11:18

get into the present moment so

11:20

that we feel safe , to

11:23

be you in

11:25

the now . You need

11:27

to slowly wean yourself

11:29

off of the toxic chemical

11:31

that are getting pumped into your

11:33

body every single time

11:36

you think of the narcissist and what they

11:38

did . The moment

11:40

you can feel safe

11:43

in the now is

11:45

the moment that you can start

11:48

to change your life for the

11:50

future , because

11:52

you're a spiritual being . Our

11:59

spirituality is

12:01

our future extension , or

12:04

our future , and

12:07

it's an extension of the state

12:09

of consciousness that we have in

12:12

the present moment . That is what

12:14

Eckhart Tolle talks about . If

12:17

your state of consciousness

12:19

is negative right now

12:21

because you're living in the past

12:24

, it's

12:26

likely that we're going to attract negativity

12:29

into our future , and this

12:31

can be seen with other methods like

12:33

law of attraction . It's

12:36

basically saying whatever you're thinking

12:38

and where you are right now , what

12:40

vibration you're

12:43

resonating with right now , your state

12:45

of consciousness . If it's negative

12:48

because you're reliving the past

12:50

, it's likely you're going to attract

12:53

negativity in your future and

12:56

that's how you're feeling

12:58

right now . We have

13:00

to find a way

13:02

of stopping the chemicals in

13:04

our body being produced by

13:07

the brain by going over

13:09

and over things in the past . Then

13:13

you know this whole thing about positive

13:15

attitude and being positive

13:17

, and I you know , then

13:19

you're already positive . Just by

13:21

being in the moment , being in the now

13:24

being , you , you're positive

13:26

. You're positive

13:29

. You know if you can really be now , in

13:31

the moment , right now , you're

13:34

already positive . You have this kind

13:36

of innate wisdom that

13:38

you can pull through , that

13:41

you know there's a part of

13:43

you that already knows how

13:47

you can get through all of this

13:49

and it's a lot you've got to get

13:51

through . But there inside

13:54

of you there's a part

13:56

of you that knows

13:58

you can get through

14:00

this . It will tell you . Your

14:03

next best step

14:05

is when the anxiety

14:07

kicks in . We don't

14:09

listen to our guidance , we're

14:11

switched off from our guidance system and

14:15

perhaps you've got a lot of pain

14:17

around self-worth because

14:19

you can't invest

14:22

in the healing so that you can move

14:24

forward . Perhaps there's a block around

14:26

releasing emotional barriers

14:29

to love . You

14:31

might think that you you're not worthy of

14:33

love . Maybe you feel you

14:35

shouldn't be feeling emotional

14:37

about anything and you have to carry on

14:39

. These

14:42

might be the difficulties that you feel

14:44

in the present moment , when we can actually

14:47

sit and

14:49

be in the present moment . We're going to feel

14:51

all the emotional pain . We're

14:54

going to become aware that

14:56

we're carrying so much

14:58

emotional pain that our body

15:00

feels different

15:02

from what it used to . We feel

15:05

anxiety , but we've

15:07

been numbing it all down and pushing it

15:09

all down to try and carry on and survive

15:11

. We'll

15:13

have to work through that to

15:16

be able to be able to access

15:18

feeling safe again in the present

15:20

moment , where you're no

15:23

longer in your own head

15:25

. You have to give yourself the

15:27

chance to appreciate everything

15:30

that you have by being present , so

15:33

you can access

15:35

the resources available to us

15:37

, such as joy , happiness

15:39

, and start moving forward . You

15:41

can't feel joy unless

15:44

you're in the moment . You can't feel

15:46

happiness unless you're in the moment

15:48

. And the narcissist

15:50

this is the best part the

15:52

narcissist is all about power and

15:55

control . The narcissist

15:57

cannot take away from you

15:59

your present moment , this

16:02

moment . Right now you

16:04

can have peace . Right now you

16:07

can walk and enjoy

16:09

the goodness around you , the flowers

16:12

, the birds , the

16:14

. There's so much peace around you , the

16:17

love around you , because

16:19

unless you can be present with

16:22

people that you love , you

16:24

can then feel the

16:26

love you have in

16:29

the present moment . If

16:32

you want to make the most of 2024

16:34

, if you want to stop the stories

16:37

in your head , then please

16:39

do look at the resources section . I

16:42

do have a program called Reclaim

16:45

your Power . It's a 21

16:47

day program . It's a great

16:49

toolbox of

16:51

helping you process the anxiety

16:53

that might come up in the now because

16:56

of everything that's happened . It

16:59

might help you process some of the pain

17:01

, the emotional pain that you're carrying

17:03

and the thoughts we

17:06

talk through , how to process

17:09

your thinking patterns so you stop

17:11

that rumination , so you can

17:13

start being present in the now . Look

17:17

, it is a difficult path

17:19

to heal after toxic relationships

17:22

and there's different elements that

17:24

you need to heal so you can feel

17:26

whole again , to be in the moment

17:28

. But remember

17:31

, the most important thing

17:33

in this healing journey is

17:35

to be gentle , to be loving

17:38

, to know that you have done

17:40

your best . You

17:42

no longer want to allow the

17:44

narcissist to speak to you in

17:47

the way that they did or treat you in

17:49

the way they did . Then

17:51

start speaking to yourself

17:53

in a loving way . Treat

17:57

yourself as if you

17:59

are so important . Be

18:01

kind , be loving , be

18:04

compassionate . Remember

18:06

you're incredible . So

18:09

if this is something that you

18:11

want to look at , please do

18:13

look at the resources section . This

18:15

really is a way of getting

18:18

yourself back to

18:20

who you want to be . Remember

18:22

you are amazing and sending you

18:24

so much love as always , till

18:26

next time as we really

18:28

go deeper into

18:30

how to find happiness again .