0:00

Today we're going to deal with . Why is it so

0:02

hard ? Why is it so

0:04

hard dealing with the aftermath or

0:06

even whilst you're in the

0:08

narcissistic relationship ? It's just crazy

0:11

how much you're dealing with . But before

0:13

we go into this , I thank you so much

0:15

for joining me today . It's

0:18

so important . Hopefully

0:21

you get more insights from me into healing

0:23

. If it is that you're finding the

0:25

useful , please do subscribe

0:27

If you want to be part of helping

0:29

more people understand the impacts

0:32

of narcissistic trauma . Share

0:34

, review , rate this podcast and

0:37

as a community , we can help people

0:39

understand so that we can make

0:41

a change , moving forward , and

0:44

so , as a society , we can support

0:46

more people who have experienced

0:49

narcissism , so

0:52

that we're not alone . It's worth

0:54

it . Okay , let's get back to

0:57

what we want to speak to about

0:59

today . Why is it so hard

1:01

to move forward and heal If

1:04

you've got , say , kids

1:06

maybe you've got three

1:08

kids , two kids , I don't know how many children

1:10

you have and you've got responsibilities

1:13

, you've got a job , you're stressed and

1:15

you don't have time to

1:17

deal with all of this , and then , on top of that

1:19

, you've got a narcissist that is causing so

1:22

much trauma and

1:24

drama and you're constantly

1:26

dealing with the consequences

1:28

of everything that they create

1:31

. So remember what a narcissist does

1:33

is like imagine they go

1:35

in , they pop off a bomb and

1:37

they walk away and leave you

1:39

to clear up the mess . That's what it is

1:42

, where you're dealing with trauma and you're carrying

1:45

on and you're so exhausted you

1:48

might think you have no time to do

1:50

anything else like therapy work , and

1:52

sometimes it can feel like there's so many

1:54

different weights on top of you , especially after

1:57

dealing with a narcissist , and I'll be honest

1:59

, you won't want to deal with the trauma

2:01

after . I mean , who wants to deal with difficult

2:03

emotions ? Really

2:06

, nobody wants to go towards pain . We're not

2:08

made that way . So it

2:10

can feel like healing is just

2:12

impossible in considering everything

2:14

that you're doing today . But I want to give

2:16

you hope today . My

2:19

whole thing this year is help one

2:21

person every day , so it's H-O-P-E

2:24

. Help one person every

2:26

day , so it's all about hope . It

2:28

isn't impossible . It's really

2:31

doable , because the work requires

2:33

for you to use what

2:35

is happening in your life right now

2:37

and incorporate the

2:40

actual therapy into your daily

2:42

life . So it shouldn't be extra

2:44

work . You shouldn't be using your

2:46

energy to suppress those thoughts

2:49

, those feelings that keep coming up when

2:51

things go wrong . What you want to do

2:53

is use different techniques . So it's not about

2:55

talking , because talking isn't going to make a difference

2:58

. It's about using techniques so

3:00

that you learn how to cope with and

3:03

let go and release

3:05

all the emotions as and

3:07

when they come up . That is when you

3:09

do your best work . So it's not a

3:11

task , it's not something that's separate

3:14

from the rest of your life . It's actually something

3:16

that you do that

3:18

is accessible and practical

3:20

for what you need right

3:23

now . And the reason why

3:25

I think it's important to do it that

3:27

way is because , whatever trauma you're feeling

3:29

right now , normally there's emotions , maybe

3:32

that have occurred before , and

3:34

what you need to do is also heal

3:36

what's happening right now , but also go back

3:38

to the original trauma and heal

3:41

that at the same time . So it's about

3:43

letting life , whatever

3:45

is thrown up , help you heal

3:48

so that you can move forward

3:50

and work through whatever is and

3:52

then move through it . And I think trauma

3:55

therapy needs to be accessible to anyone

3:57

at any time , because

3:59

otherwise

4:02

, how are you going to do that ? You know you'll numb

4:04

yourself otherwise . So I believe that

4:06

people need to do

4:08

the work , what works for them , and

4:10

so it's got to be as easy as possible

4:13

for you to have as many different

4:15

techniques at different times in

4:17

different situations , so you

4:19

can even respond to small things

4:21

but also huge things , and

4:24

over time you

4:26

know you'll make a huge difference

4:28

because it's incorporated into your

4:30

life . It's a new way of living

4:32

. So it's not so much therapy

4:35

, it's learning how to manage

4:37

your emotions and

4:39

let go of things that you no longer

4:41

want . So it's about

4:44

learning to cope with

4:46

daily life , but processing

4:48

it so that you can then move on and feel

4:50

happy . So neuroscience is telling us it

4:52

takes approximately three to

4:54

400 repetitions of

4:57

any sort of nervous system

4:59

restoration practice or body

5:01

memory to start shifting , and

5:03

trauma is actually somatic , is in the body

5:06

. So you need

5:08

to practice it over a longer period of time

5:10

, and the more you do it , the more it's integrated

5:13

into your life . So you've

5:15

got all these tools that you use on a daily

5:17

basis . Even if you use something

5:19

for five minutes a

5:22

day and you're thinking something

5:24

different , you're doing something different . It's

5:26

the compounding impact that

5:28

we're doing here . It's you

5:31

will continually see the benefits

5:33

over time . It compounds on everything

5:35

else that you've worked on . It's literally

5:37

you're creating a foundation

5:40

of how to live

5:42

and you start to see that you

5:44

react to things differently than you did before

5:46

. You're not as down and if you do

5:49

get down , you bounce back quicker

5:51

. It's like your nervous system is

5:53

actually experiencing a lot

5:55

more ease , a lot more calm than

5:57

it was experiencing before and it takes a

5:59

lot more to get you to

6:01

get triggered than you did before

6:04

, say 12 months ago or six months ago

6:06

, and you start to show up differently

6:08

. You glow , you

6:11

just seem different and

6:13

everyone knows it as well , because

6:15

when we're pretending that

6:17

we're OK and we're not OK

6:20

, everyone kind of knows they can pick

6:22

it up . When you feel joy from within

6:24

, people know it's almost

6:26

instantaneous . They know

6:28

and people especially that

6:30

are closest to us , especially if you're living

6:32

with people children , they

6:35

children . They can pick up very

6:37

easily on nonverbal clues , especially

6:41

young children . When they

6:43

can sense there's not

6:45

calm , they will pick up your nervous

6:47

system . So

6:49

if you are feeling trauma , you

6:52

can pretend you're OK , you can have this

6:54

, you know you

6:57

can attend , you're okay , but actually they

7:00

will pick it up and adults sometimes

7:02

can be preoccupied and get

7:04

angry or not

7:07

have as much time . This is all your nervous

7:10

system , that the child is picking

7:12

up , that you're feeling more stressed than

7:14

normal and we need

7:16

to know that people look . At the

7:18

end of the day , we're all energy . You

7:20

know the science is revealing we're all energy

7:22

. Frequency and vibration

7:25

is the thing . So we as

7:27

people can pick up energy . And if , when we

7:29

start to heal , we'll pick up on other

7:31

people's energy and

7:34

that will make sure that we don't get into

7:36

another toxic relationship , which will be great

7:38

. So maybe you can offer

7:40

more motivation for other people

7:43

to heal as well . This bit

7:45

I love . When you start to heal

7:47

your trauma and your nervous system starts

7:49

to calm down and you feel calmer

7:51

, you will be an inspiration

7:54

, not just to your children

7:56

but to so many other people

7:58

around you , because healing

8:00

is giving other people hope . Hope

8:03

is the thing today . Right , we're looking at hope . How

8:05

do we give each other hope ? So

8:07

if you're a parent and you're listening and watching and

8:09

you're thinking , oh , my goodness , I have had

8:11

a huge effect on my children . I'm not a good parent

8:14

. Blah , blah , blah you , because you've

8:16

been stressed . Honestly , they

8:19

have had to deal with trauma . Just

8:21

being around the narcissist has probably had

8:23

an effect on them . But the way you

8:25

can start breaking the cycle , for them

8:27

and for you is to

8:30

know that one . They have a developing brain

8:32

, so they still have

8:34

time . It depends on how old they are , but

8:37

if you can teach them how

8:39

to talk about

8:41

emotions , you

8:44

will help them not repeat that

8:46

cycle . Because the big thing here is , when

8:48

we've been in a toxic relationship , we

8:51

don't allow ourselves to feel

8:53

our emotions . So it's important for parents to really

8:56

understand if you

8:58

didn't know better , how could you do

9:00

better ? So please don't give yourself a hard time

9:02

. You didn't wake up one morning and go

9:04

oh yes , I am going to be a bad parent

9:06

today . You never decided

9:08

to be a bad parent . You're doing the best

9:11

you can and you are doing amazingly

9:14

. Given the fact that you

9:16

have got some narcissistic person

9:18

in your life or did have , and

9:20

you're dealing with trauma . You

9:22

are doing so amazingly If

9:25

everything you're doing is incredible

9:27

. So if you're struggling , say

9:29

, with generational

9:32

trauma , or if you

9:34

yourself have seen toxic relationship

9:36

cycles , or your child

9:38

then is also seeing that in their

9:41

life , they will absorb

9:43

it . You absorbed it . It's the

9:45

normal thing that happens . We're all going to pass

9:47

on some trauma to our children . It's

9:50

normal . But if we can heal

9:52

some of it and if we can help them manage

9:56

their emotions , then they

9:58

will learn what

10:00

to do about it , because they're going to have trauma

10:02

in their life as well , not just from

10:04

you , but from life itself but then

10:06

they need the tools to be able to

10:08

move through it . That's important

10:11

. If you know better now

10:13

, you can take action . You can

10:15

decide today . I am going to do

10:17

something with the information I have and

10:19

I'm going to disrupt the pattern so

10:22

that I can shift things for the

10:24

next generation . That decision and choice

10:27

is really where you

10:29

can make a step in the right direction , especially

10:31

when it comes to children . It's

10:33

important to understand that children will

10:36

also engage in the healing process

10:38

. There's lots of age-appropriate

10:40

ways to integrate healing

10:43

for children . Children can meditate

10:46

, can do breathwork , just like you can . Children

10:49

can talk about their emotions , like you

10:51

can , only when your nervous system

10:53

is okay to do that . Children

10:55

can do dance parties

10:57

at home if you want . They're moving

10:59

and they're letting

11:01

go of emotions and the stress

11:04

and tension of the day . All

11:06

of these are good things

11:08

that we need to learn . If

11:10

you look at a deer that's been chased by a lion

11:13

, for instance , what they do is

11:15

they shake it off . They shake off that nervous

11:17

energy . We need to shake

11:19

things off . Sometimes we

11:21

have to learn how to manage

11:24

ourselves so that we don't hold

11:27

everything in an age-appropriate

11:29

way . If we can teach them from a younger age

11:31

, that's amazing . It doesn't matter what age

11:33

you start . It's about

11:35

learning how to deal with things

11:38

now so that you can have a better

11:40

life moving forward , not just for yourself , but

11:42

for the people around you as well , for

11:44

the rest of your life

11:47

. You can do something now to

11:49

help them heal and incorporate

11:51

that into your family life

11:53

. It's part of your way

11:56

of being

11:58

. There's so many different ways of doing

12:00

this . You can go for a walk . Being in

12:02

nature is so calming

12:05

. That's a really good way of

12:07

helping people restore their nervous

12:09

system . Now I want to really bring

12:11

something else up Humming . There's

12:14

so much research on humming . Singing

12:16

, dancing is very , very calming . It

12:19

can actually help you feel calmer

12:21

. There's science backing up

12:23

that . Lots

12:26

of people have heard the sound omm

12:29

. It's like humming . At the same time

12:32

, it's like an ancient spiritual

12:34

leader . Omm

12:36

is , I think

12:38

it means God , or the source , the

12:40

creator

12:43

. You're connecting to God

12:46

. Breathing All these

12:48

things . You're helping your whole

12:50

nervous system slow

12:52

down because there's different

12:54

branches of the nervous system . What

12:58

we're trying to do through humming is

13:01

stimulating the ventral

13:03

vagal nerve

13:06

. When we're doing the omm we're actually

13:08

doing that . If your child is struggling

13:11

, pick a song that they

13:13

like , that's age-appropriate

13:16

, and help them hum it

13:18

. Just something like that Also

13:21

for you , if

13:23

you're struggling with rumination

13:25

and you're going around the story over

13:28

and over in your head , start humming

13:30

. You know you can break that cycle

13:32

. Do whatever you

13:34

need to do and integrate the practices

13:37

that feel good to you to

13:39

restore your nervous system

13:41

. And we can do

13:43

it in ways that we're not shoving

13:45

mental health down people's throats

13:47

in a way where it feels like it's really stressful

13:50

, like you know talking , and it's heavy

13:52

. But what you will do

13:54

is your integrate different

13:57

things that feel comfortable to you into

13:59

your daily life . That's what you want

14:01

. You want to use practical

14:03

skills that help you make life

14:06

easier . You know , make make

14:08

life better , make life

14:10

happier . If

14:12

we are ruminating and telling

14:15

that story in your head , start

14:17

humming . It's not going to release the trauma

14:19

, but what it will do is

14:21

it will stop the trauma from getting worse

14:23

, because every time you tell

14:26

the story you're numbing yourself and you're retraumatizing

14:28

yourself . At least you're calming the nervous

14:30

system down so you don't have all

14:32

these thoughts that just won't go away

14:35

. And then your role modeling

14:37

to your children you know , I'm just

14:39

calming myself down and then

14:41

they have another tool . So

14:43

as the children get older , they have

14:45

more and more tools and they will

14:47

become the generation of cycle breakers

14:49

as well . So if you've gone

14:51

through something , then it becomes

14:54

a . It can be potentially a

14:56

repeating pattern for your children so

14:58

they can then break that pattern

15:01

so they don't pass it on

15:03

the trauma on . So you

15:05

yourself , using the tools , you're stopping that

15:07

trauma going forward , but

15:09

also your children or your the

15:11

next generation or people around you . And

15:13

also you can go back to your parents . I mean , I don't know how I've

15:15

been minded they are but

15:19

you know , sometimes even the older

15:21

generation need tools

15:23

to help them feel calmer , feel more at peace every day . And

15:29

you know , if the truth is when we've been

15:31

in a situation where we're parenting

15:33

with a toxic person who's high in their ego mind and

15:35

you're wanting to heal and

15:38

they don't want to heal , they want

15:41

to call suffering and pains because that's the way they get supply

15:43

and

15:46

they're going to be unwilling to break

15:48

their own cycle that they're not going to come

15:50

in on this , by the way , they're not going to want

15:53

to help you heal and change the cycle and not want to Because

15:55

they have no empathy , so they

15:58

don't have empathy for children either . It

16:00

is going to be so hard doing all of this

16:04

is going to be so tough . So

16:09

one I really want to empathize with

16:11

you that it's going to be tough

16:14

, but you will need more tools To

16:18

get through . Okay , to keep your nervous

16:21

system calm , because you

16:23

have lived , maybe , in this environment and

16:25

when you've got , the source of your pain has been at home . That

16:27

is the ultimate place we go to , to feel safe . Right

16:29

, that's supposed to be our safe haven , our home

16:31

. To

16:36

feel safe physically , you

16:38

know , emotionally , psychologically , and

16:40

to feel spiritually connected , and to have

16:42

that all compromised Is

16:48

is tough , right , you know . So your nervous system

16:50

hasn't had anywhere , you've not had anywhere to go , so

16:56

you have to , you know , show up

16:58

as your healed version of yourself for yourself , you

17:04

know , do it for yourself because

17:07

you know it will help

17:09

your children . It's , you know , it doesn't matter where it's come from . It could be your parents

17:11

, it could be your partner , it could be your friends , it

17:18

could be your work colleagues , it could even be a stranger

17:20

that you've you've , you've

17:23

had an interaction which which has caused a

17:25

lot of trauma , but you

17:27

want to get to a space where you

17:29

want to live your life , where you've transformed

17:32

yourself . Ultimately , all

17:34

the narcissists is about is devaluation

17:36

, that's the ego mind , which is

17:38

all about limiting you and

17:41

instilling fear based

17:43

responses in you , so that you start

17:45

limiting yourself , so you

17:47

don't push yourself forward , so you

17:49

start to doubt yourself . What

17:51

we want to do is transmute

17:54

the fear into love

17:56

, so you start loving

17:58

your life instead of fearing it every

18:00

day . We want to live a

18:02

life that we love . So

18:05

how do we do that ? How do we model showing

18:07

up differently ? We want we don't want

18:09

to feed the cycles

18:11

, we want to break these cycles

18:14

down . We want to break down

18:16

these patterns , not feed them . So

18:19

we don't want to feel more

18:21

like our nervous system is

18:23

feeding them all the time , so we're more , even

18:25

fearful . We want to radiate love

18:28

and live our life full of joy and happiness

18:30

. And

18:32

there might be . You know that there's

18:35

so many challenges with

18:37

the narcissist and maybe

18:39

other people pop up and try and hold

18:42

you back , because you know the truth

18:44

is , narcissists always have enablers

18:46

, let's face it , and they are

18:48

fantastic . You know being

18:50

the victim and and there's

18:52

so much better , everything like that then

18:54

then we are . So we

18:57

have to keep showing up as our healed

18:59

person , where it doesn't touch

19:01

us anymore . And in

19:03

order to process someone

19:05

else's reaction or to

19:08

process when someone crosses your boundary

19:10

, you've got to keep processing

19:13

that and still keep those

19:15

boundaries in place . If it's a challenging

19:17

thing to do , it really is , but

19:19

after a while it's so rewarding

19:21

because what you're really

19:24

doing genuinely is

19:26

your overcoming your own internal

19:29

barriers , your own

19:31

internal fears , and that

19:33

is the biggest challenge of all , because

19:36

the fear that they've planted

19:38

within us is the

19:40

hardest to release because we're not

19:43

aware of it a lot of the

19:45

times . We're more aware of what they're doing

19:47

externally , but

19:49

we're no longer aware of our

19:51

own internal fear , of how

19:53

they've impacted us , and that

19:55

is one of the biggest fears , that

19:57

the biggest barriers is To

20:01

people continuing to heal and break

20:03

the cycle and the generational cycle

20:05

. It's so easy

20:07

to not look at

20:09

breaking your pattern or breaking the generational cycle and

20:13

loads of people before us have done that

20:15

right . Where you go to

20:17

spaces that you know you just don't feel comfortable

20:19

Going

20:22

where no one else could go before

20:24

. If it was easy they would have done it . You

20:27

know it's really tough to heal with

20:29

generation . Deal with generational trauma , let's

20:31

face it or repeating patterns . It's

20:35

such a measure of

20:37

strength , like how

20:39

much trauma are you carrying like

20:42

seriously and how

20:44

much have you suffered ? It's

20:47

so challenging and you have so

20:50

much tolerance higher

20:52

than most right , because the

20:54

trauma work is about processing

20:56

the guilt and the shame and all the other

20:59

horrible , yucky emotions

21:01

that we no longer want to carry , and

21:03

to do that we have to be honest with ourselves

21:05

. But we also

21:07

have to be honest that we have a high

21:10

level of level of Tolerance

21:12

for these type of emotions Because

21:15

you've been around someone who's projected

21:17

their shame and guilt onto

21:19

you every time they

21:21

abused you , they

21:23

did something wrong . That's what a

21:25

narcissist done shame and guilt you

21:28

whilst they're abusing you . So

21:31

in a weird kind of way

21:34

, you've been primed to be able

21:36

to do the trauma work because you're stronger

21:38

than the average person to be able to Process

21:40

these emotions and still get up and

21:43

keep getting Carrying on . It's just

21:45

that you don't know how to tools , maybe right now

21:47

, to be able to heal that . So

21:49

the one thing that will heal

21:51

, stop you from healing , is

21:54

self-worth , honestly

21:57

, you know , because if you think about devaluation

21:59

, they've been devaluing you and your level

22:01

of self-worth isn't going to be the same it used

22:03

to be . You might question am

22:05

I worth investing in ? Because

22:08

there is a degree of programming that you

22:10

have had from the narcissist and

22:13

then you've got the trauma bond , the

22:15

guilt , the fear that comes along with

22:17

no longer being in control and

22:19

maybe not wanting to heal . But

22:22

the greatest revenge in

22:24

your healing from a narcissist , and

22:27

the only way to really get justice

22:29

Is to heal . If

22:32

you have experienced childhood abuse

22:34

from a narcissistic parent , it

22:36

is so tough on top of everything else

22:38

, because we start to believe

22:41

that this trauma is a part of us

22:43

. We identify with the trauma

22:45

. The trauma isn't you . I

22:47

just want you to take a moment . Your

22:50

emotions and thoughts are not

22:52

you . This has been talked

22:54

about in so many spiritual texts

22:56

and set by so many mystics , but

22:59

I really want you to think about this . Your

23:02

emotions have changed over the years and

23:04

and sometimes your emotions change day

23:07

by day . One minute you're feeling good

23:09

, next minute you might be feeling sad . That

23:12

means the emotion isn't you , because

23:14

if your emotions are you

23:16

, that means that

23:19

your emotions shouldn't change . Because who

23:21

are you ? When your emotions change , then your

23:23

thoughts and your thinking patterns

23:25

have changed . You've

23:28

changed your mind about people and things

23:30

. You've changed your mind about the narcissist , so

23:33

your thoughts are not you . So

23:36

we shouldn't identify with our thoughts and our

23:38

feelings there . Yet

23:40

we might have thoughts , we might have

23:43

feelings , we

23:46

might experience thoughts , we might experience

23:48

feelings , but that is not you . So we shouldn't

23:50

identify with

23:53

our trauma either . All trauma

23:55

is is an overwhelming experience

23:57

from something that's happened . Maybe

24:02

it's from a trusted person , and we can't

24:04

let go of the thoughts , the emotions that are

24:07

associated with it , because it's

24:09

too overwhelming and we just need a way of doing it , and

24:11

if you knew a way , you would have

24:13

done it by now . Once we have

24:15

trauma , it does affect every part

24:17

of our life and we do tend to

24:19

compartmentalize it . So we

24:21

go okay , that's my home life

24:24

, I'm going to pretend I'm okay and going to work

24:26

and pretend I'm happy . But it's

24:28

important to know when , where

24:31

there is big triggers . There is

24:33

work to be done . If you're finding that you're getting

24:36

triggered by the narcissist and it's showing up in

24:38

your body . Those thoughts

24:40

and feelings should not be pushed down . You

24:46

know , even if they have trained us to , we need to know that on the other side

24:48

of this , you can live an abundant life . Once

24:51

you start doing the work , the

24:54

parts that trigger us is coming up so that we

24:56

can create a different

24:58

life , moving forward . Imagine that you're

25:00

you're going on holiday but you're trying to take

25:02

your time . You're you're going on holiday

25:05

but you're trying to take your kitchen sink and everything

25:07

else with you . You know you want to move

25:09

forward . You've got to let go of

25:12

the old Person that you were

25:14

. You've got to let go of this , otherwise

25:16

you're holding on to that version of you that's

25:19

going to attract more of the same . So

25:21

in any kind of trauma that you

25:23

know , there's two types of responses

25:25

, only two you

25:28

either get bitter or you get better . And

25:30

I really , really resonated with

25:32

this because I had to tell myself

25:34

often , and I would question

25:36

myself often I mean , do

25:39

you want to get bitter or do you want to get better

25:41

? Choose , because that's the only option

25:43

that you have . And really , when we look

25:45

at any TV show or anything we

25:48

see , you know people can

25:50

either use pain to

25:52

create pain in others . So you get

25:54

your , your evil people you

25:56

know the , the baddies , if you like in

25:59

in TV shows and stuff , or

26:01

films or movies . Or

26:03

you can get those that transmute

26:06

their pain into compassion

26:08

and Come from

26:10

a space of love and

26:12

want to make a difference and make the world

26:14

a better place . And that's a

26:16

hero normally in in in

26:20

Movies and stuff . And I say

26:22

you're a hero . So self-love

26:25

is so important in the healing

26:27

process . When we're choosing

26:29

to live in fear , we're

26:32

going bitter , or we can

26:34

choose right now to start moving into

26:36

love and

26:38

our life will start to get better . When

26:41

we have trauma in relationships

26:43

, we feel vulnerable that

26:45

other people will hurt us . Why

26:48

, why is it that we stay in

26:50

these relationships so long ? The

26:53

truth of the matter is there's nothing wrong with

26:55

you . You're doing what any normal

26:57

person would do because you're trying

26:59

to feel safe . I know

27:01

it doesn't make logical sense , but

27:04

there's a part of you that felt safe

27:06

in that relationship somehow

27:08

, or they created an illusion

27:10

where they felt safe . You know they say

27:12

these things over and over again . No one

27:15

will love you the way I do . No

27:17

one wanted you . You can't

27:19

manage without me . You can't

27:21

, you know , manage this without you

27:23

. Who ? How are you going to deal with this ? You

27:26

might Understand logically

27:28

you really don't need this person and it's all a little

27:30

rubbish . But on a subconscious level , you

27:33

know , you might think , oh , what about the kids ? They

27:35

need this , you know , and you've heard this

27:37

over and over , and it's so steeped in

27:39

. So , even though this person is hurting

27:42

you , you might think

27:44

that it's better to , you

27:49

know , give up your life For

27:52

your children and stay in the relationship

27:54

so that let you give them safety

27:56

. But really you think that's the right

27:58

and safe thing to do , but all we're

28:00

doing is allowing ourselves to be controlled

28:03

. And is that what you

28:05

really want moving forward ? And

28:08

that is because there's some subconscious

28:10

programming that's happened and

28:12

we need to acknowledge that . Okay , I wouldn't

28:14

have done this . It's not logical for

28:16

me to do this . It must

28:18

be because there's some sort of subconscious Programming

28:22

that's made me think that this is the best

28:24

solution . This is the safest thing

28:26

for me to do . So sometimes

28:28

it's really tough , but

28:31

by healing all of that

28:33

, the reward is so much more because

28:35

we're releasing all the fear . So

28:38

look to people that

28:40

have been through the healing journey there's

28:43

so many . There's gonna be people , find people

28:45

that you can look to that

28:48

have gone through this experience

28:50

and now they're living a better

28:52

life , rather than people that

28:54

are still in the journey to help you through . And

28:57

as you start going through the journey , it's a

28:59

normal normal , totally normal

29:01

to forget how bad it was because

29:03

you're starting to heal and this is your new

29:06

normal now . But as you heal

29:08

, you will become an inspiration

29:10

for the people around you . They will be like huh

29:12

, you were like this , but now you're

29:15

like this and you will engage and

29:17

help other people heal and

29:19

they will trust that

29:21

it's possible to heal

29:23

, cause , you know , part of the problem

29:25

is there is no self trust

29:27

, because we put our trust into

29:29

analysis , unfortunately . But

29:32

sometimes we need one person

29:35

to believe in us for a short period

29:37

of time until we can then start

29:39

believing in ourself . And if you

29:41

want someone to believe in you , I believe in

29:43

you . I know you

29:46

can heal , I know you can get

29:48

through this , I know it , I

29:50

know you can , and sometimes we

29:52

just need someone to tell us so

29:54

, keep going , you can do

29:57

this , do the work , and it will all

29:59

come together in ways

30:01

that you can't currently comprehend

30:04

, and that is okay . So

30:06

what happens if we don't heal ? This is

30:08

something that I would invite you to

30:10

look at . What happens if you carry

30:12

on the way you are ? Usually our children

30:15

will continue the wound . You

30:18

don't have to . You know , if you

30:20

don't experience the wound , you're gonna keep

30:22

passing it on . So there's a number

30:24

of ways that you know we pass

30:26

on generational

30:28

wounds . There's biological connections

30:31

, there's epigenetics

30:33

perspective . There's a potential

30:36

where

30:38

it's passed on in the gene Traumatic

30:41

is passed on in the gene and then when

30:43

there's a stressful scenario in

30:46

the child's life , it gets activated

30:48

. And

30:50

also , if they witness difficult

30:53

relationships , they will normalize

30:56

patterns like this and just live

30:58

in trauma as if it's normal . And

31:01

so you know and

31:03

it's say , if we're less present with

31:05

our children because we've been in trauma , then

31:08

they will . That potentially could cause some

31:11

trauma for them as well . So

31:13

there's so many different stresses , with narcissistic

31:16

relationships as well . We have to be honest

31:18

that you know you're not super person , you're

31:21

not a super woman or super man . You

31:23

know there's financial

31:25

abuse . There's emotional abuse , psychological

31:27

. There's your nervous system there's

31:30

your brain has changed so you're getting

31:32

more triggered , so it's

31:34

so difficult to support the child and

31:37

they're usually doing the complete opposite of what would support

31:39

the child . So you're

31:41

having to deal with that as well , and

31:44

so it's difficult to manage all these scenarios

31:46

. But if you're processing

31:48

your emotions on a daily basis

31:51

to help you through , you're not

31:53

only healing , stopping that from

31:55

impacting you , you're also healing some of the

31:57

old pain . And

31:59

I also wanna say just to reassure

32:01

you , the truth always comes out . You

32:05

know . Ultimately it

32:07

will always come out . You know the

32:09

games will always come out If , as long as

32:11

you disengage , allow

32:14

the game to go on , whatever

32:16

the narcissist is doing , disengage , don't

32:19

engage . Let them . The let them theory

32:21

here is so important . Let them

32:23

do their game , let them . You get

32:25

on and start healing yourself . Look , you

32:27

can't change them , so just let them get on with

32:29

it . So the more

32:32

we try and change scenarios , the more we get

32:34

stooped into their game

32:36

and then we get controlled

32:38

by them , yeah , and we get triggered by them

32:40

. So just go with the let them , you

32:43

know , let them do whatever they want . And it's

32:45

really important for us to understand that . We

32:47

have been through a lot of trauma

32:50

and a lot of triggers and

32:52

sometimes it's really really , really

32:54

, really hard to see our

32:56

child , our own child , go

32:59

through the same thing because

33:01

of this toxic person . And

33:03

the reason why is one , we

33:05

would do anything for our children . But two

33:08

is also because we've also got

33:10

unresolved unresolved inner

33:12

child healing . To do

33:14

so , we not only have to parent

33:17

our child our real child

33:19

, if you like but we've got to parent our

33:22

own wound within our self , because

33:24

sometimes our children are mirroring what

33:27

we need to heal within our self and

33:29

that is why it's so , so

33:32

difficult . So if your child

33:34

has a narcissistic parent , we

33:36

really can't change that . So

33:38

it's really important that we heal and

33:40

allow our self to

33:43

heal and understand how to , you

33:46

know , deal with our emotions , so that our

33:49

children can heal and become

33:51

aware of narcissism in an age-appropriate

33:54

way . Because , look , will their

33:56

children need to know about

33:58

the fact that there are people

34:00

without empathy , so they don't get

34:02

trapped into this sort of thing . They

34:04

need to learn how to process their emotions

34:07

. They need to take responsibility

34:09

for themselves without blaming others . That

34:12

is a good way of dealing

34:14

with stuff , without engaging in the

34:16

game with the narcissist , because we

34:19

can't win with the narcissist , by the way . I

34:21

just want to make it clear You're not made to win

34:23

with a narcissist . If you have empathy

34:26

, you can't beat someone that has

34:28

no empathy . It's not going to be possible . So

34:30

don't worry about trying to prove

34:32

and explain , because you'll never be able

34:34

to catch up with them , because they

34:36

are ruthless in the way they work in comparison

34:38

to us , because we have empathy

34:41

. But your child can go

34:43

through therapy . You

34:45

can go through therapy where

34:47

you can engage in your higher self and

34:50

navigate this scenario the best

34:52

way you can and create more and

34:54

more boundaries . We want our children

34:56

to be the evolved version of ourselves

34:59

. They will be okay

35:02

, they will be better and they will be quicker

35:04

at dealing with theirs than we are

35:06

. And more and more people in society

35:08

are learning about this and we're doing our bit

35:10

as well to help

35:12

people understand how to stop enabling

35:15

narcissists to continue the

35:17

abuse . So this is a huge topic

35:20

in today's society and

35:22

we want to help our children navigate

35:25

these people . So don't worry too

35:27

much if you're co-parenting

35:29

with a narcissist , because

35:31

what we will get is children

35:33

that are more evolved , in a stronger

35:36

position to change , and

35:38

they will have a better quality of life because

35:40

they will heal and they will create

35:42

more and more boundaries , but please

35:44

do look at healing

35:47

yourself so that you can help

35:49

yourself as well . You're worth it . This

35:52

is also where the spiritual aspect of

35:54

narcissism comes to play . Heal

35:56

yourself , let go , become

35:58

the highest , best

36:00

version of yourself and let

36:02

the universal God , or whatever it

36:04

is that you believe in , find

36:07

your way back to truth and let them

36:09

deal with the narcissist . They will Get

36:12

yourself back to the authentic

36:14

, loving , peaceful , joyous

36:17

, loving person that you are and

36:19

get to that self-love

36:22

. That is what our aim is

36:24

here . In a way , if you

36:26

want to get the lesson from the narcissist , we

36:29

want to release all the fear , as

36:31

much fear as we can , within ourselves

36:33

so we can be the best version of

36:36

ourselves and live our freest life

36:38

, so that we can get back

36:40

to our true , authentic self . No matter

36:42

what they're doing around us , we're

36:45

getting on with our life and feeling good and

36:47

feeling blissful wherever we can . And

36:49

then , when we get into a space of self-worth

36:51

, self-love , things

36:54

will just open up and miracles can

36:57

happen . And if you are

36:59

looking to heal , to get us to

37:02

a space of self-love , if you want to get

37:04

to a space of self-worth and that is

37:06

something that really resonates with you . That

37:09

is something that I really focus on in

37:11

the Heal to Fry program is

37:13

getting to a space of self-love and

37:16

really understanding that part

37:18

of that process is healing your trauma . So

37:21

you know , healing is self-love ultimately

37:24

. So do look in the resources section till

37:27

next time , but whatever happens , keep

37:29

being loving , compassionate towards

37:31

yourself .