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there was weird moments as tension

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0:41

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0:44

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0:53

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0:54

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0:57

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3:09

i was always a strange kid

3:11

and i think i thought that i was kind

3:13

of odd and not like anyone else because

3:16

i had a grasp on

3:18

sexuality from

3:21

a very young age and i

3:23

knew that it was different from what

3:25

i'd seen other people

3:27

expressing

3:32

i grew up with my mother

3:34

my sister a half sister and

3:36

my grandmother and my father

3:38

was there but there was not really there

3:41

really there kind of one of those guys that was always out at

3:43

a bar for out doing something else usually

3:46

out having sex with some other women

3:48

which my mother found out much later on

3:51

and which led to their divorce were

3:53

, type of people that kind of shouldn't know he

3:55

tells fsf nets kind of weird to say

3:58

about your father by it's

4:00

that the only way i know how to put it

4:04

my grandmother hated me

4:06

for no reason see picked a family

4:09

member every generation

4:11

that she just despise one

4:14

day my grandmother was babysitting

4:16

man she was knitting and watching general hospital

4:19

and there was there was where this woman

4:21

was tied to a chair and another

4:23

woman was going to inject her with this poison and kill

4:26

her and i remember feeling

4:30

so warm and streams and

4:32

i like things were happening but i didn't

4:35

quite understand what and it

4:37

it was definitely the first time that i had found myself

4:39

aroused by something i just i didn't quite know

4:41

how to deal with

4:43

it sank center ran away to my bedroom

4:46

and just kind of laid on my stomach and repeated

4:48

what i had seen over and over and over in my head

4:51

snows probably about five or six years old

4:53

when that happens i

4:56

didn't really know what masturbation

4:59

was but i would do things like

5:01

time myself up were back

5:04

in the eighties when it was okay to leave your kids

5:06

in the car while you ran into

5:08

ran store i used store pin

5:10

myself down with or the seat belts

5:13

in the backseat of backseat car a poet very tight

5:15

now it's with my arms like into the

5:18

actual part of the seatbelt i would struggle

5:20

and struggle and squirm and that was

5:23

really how that lot of that got started i

5:27

pick up a time i understood that there was something

5:30

shameful about the things that i was doing

5:33

i didn't really understand fully

5:35

i guess that it was sexual but

5:37

just that it was something that other people didn't

5:40

do i , have a specific

5:42

memory of being chastised for it but

5:44

i'm sure there was something where where

5:46

parents caught me time myself up for doing

5:48

something like that and he told me not

5:50

to do that are not to do that and public or public

5:54

i remember much better my

5:57

early teens when i really started to discover

5:59

things like masturbate in that was

6:01

really rare

6:02

i really kind akeem intimate known

6:07

they didn't like cartoons

6:09

and things like that i was much more into adult shows

6:12

my version of adults shows was

6:15

as the reruns of the

6:17

nineteen sixties batman television show

6:20

the , time i ever master fitted with

6:22

to an episode of batman batman

6:26

with chasing catwoman down an down and

6:29

she kind of gets ahead of amd climbs up like a fire

6:31

escape ladder and he

6:34

catches up to where she was and

6:36

it's almost like he stopped on invisible acts

6:38

that's like this is the worst possible place you could

6:40

stop you're obviously in a trap and

6:43

he starts to look around and see springs down

6:45

and knocks him to the ground and is kind of

6:47

dazed and he gets up and

6:49

you kind of on his knees in front of her she

6:52

pulls out this cat seats golden gun and

6:54

she's pointing it at his head and he's

6:56

on his knees in front of her now this paints a picture

6:58

of essentially what a dominatrix

7:01

is for like a very small child you

7:03

have a woman in a tight black outfits

7:05

you know in a man on his knees in front of her but

7:08

in this particular moment she says

7:11

to him that the that the waves

7:13

in the gun after his brain

7:15

like a hot knife through butter and i

7:18

yell say goodbye to his life his

7:20

his his mortal existence is at

7:22

an end and i have this

7:24

episode on on vhs it was taped off

7:26

of television and i'm are whining and over

7:29

and over and over again and in my other hand of

7:31

jerking off for the first time and sitting

7:33

on edge of my bed and i'm really going

7:35

for

7:38

rewind it again and again and again and eventually

7:40

instead of watching it through there's

7:43

an over the shoulder shot where

7:46

it's from behind batman and you see

7:48

julie newmar are pointing the gun it

7:50

almost looks like she's pointing a gun at me and

7:53

i paused and and there's the city vhs

7:56

tracking lines and i slid

7:58

their homes and more of my

8:00

bedroom the hardwood floor and i got on my knees

8:03

so that i could feel the floor digging into

8:05

my knees the way that the pavement was

8:07

digging into adam west's knees and

8:10

, started writing my own dialogues for

8:12

the show instead of listening to what she actually

8:14

said said started hearing

8:16

her say things say really

8:18

cheesy thing as mind you like holy hard on

8:20

that man what's that you've gotten your pets

8:24

and amidst

8:29

who and on to say things like i

8:31

want you to jerk off for me before i kill you and

8:33

it was i got variances it's kind of masturbation

8:35

instruction you know come masturbation

8:37

my boots and they are all this

8:39

very we're

8:42

dominate and and for a thirteen year

8:44

old kid how old i was

8:46

when this when this happened i

8:48

feel like i was way

8:51

ahead of myself as far as knowing

8:53

what i guess like a dominant

8:55

submissive relationship was

9:01

how many batman had a very interesting

9:04

relationship where she was both in

9:06

love with him and she wanted to kill him

9:08

and it was this weird dynamic that's

9:11

i just i always understood

9:13

and resonated with and then of course the

9:15

other interests that i had ah

9:17

you know about women's feet and boots and things

9:20

like that kind of got tied into that as well so

9:22

as i was writing this dialogue for her i

9:25

was able to put in place these other things that i

9:27

knew that i liked and

9:30

at the end of so many of those episodes batman

9:33

and robin would be tied up in they

9:35

would cut off they wouldn't end and

9:38

they would stop with them in

9:40

these death traps and those

9:42

weird moments of tension

9:45

where

9:46

i didn't know if they were going to liver if they were going

9:48

to die and they were tied down

9:50

and restrains that

9:53

moment of uncertainty and but

9:56

impending doom i don't think

9:58

anything really the ever

10:00

match the hat and those moments of my

10:03

my early teens were i started exploring

10:05

with some self love ssssss

10:08

i

10:10

would see other kids flirting

10:13

with each other i

10:15

didn't really have that because i never really

10:17

had an interest in romantic

10:20

, i guess i was much

10:22

more thinking about how i

10:24

wanted to tie

10:26

people up for be tied up with it

10:30

was very interesting

10:32

of being around other guys you

10:34

know in in class and they're talking

10:37

about like who i saw down sally's

10:39

blouse last weekend i you know

10:41

i saw tits

10:44

i would be thinking well

10:45

i jerked off last week thinking about melissa

10:47

cutting my head off ssssss

10:50

and no one ever said anything like that so

10:52

it was very interesting i

10:55

felt very seemed in a lot of ways

10:57

and very alone and kind of like or

10:59

what's wrong with me i didn't really

11:01

understand why no other guys

11:03

talked about the things that

11:05

things found interesting it

11:08

never really clicked in my brain as to why that

11:10

was i just i just knew i was different

11:15

when i was sixteen i

11:17

was dating a girl named lexi

11:20

as , she was another

11:22

fellow punk person that

11:25

with a kind of met in the see we were actually in a band

11:27

together she was this the punk rock drummer

11:29

that all the punk rock boys were in love

11:31

with and she was much older than me and

11:34

, and and had gotten drunk

11:36

one night and just

11:39

out of nowhere threw me into a wall

11:41

it my bedroom wall to be precise

11:44

and as she could upend yourself up against

11:46

me she pulled a knife out had no idea

11:48

where this knife came from but he pulled out

11:50

how to put it my face

11:52

and i must have gas in

11:55

this sort of like

11:57

quivering tests

11:59

either way

12:01

and i vividly remember her

12:03

saying oh you like that and

12:06

and and me sort of whimpering like her yes

12:08

assistance and he

12:11

ended up taking the knife and putting it the

12:14

bottom of my shirt and

12:16

out through the color of my shirt and pointed it

12:18

out kind of cut down and

12:21

i'd like to say that it was this movie

12:23

scene asked thing where she's repped it

12:25

down in one motion and my clothes came

12:27

up but no is very awkward and we're

12:29

susie if took a few tries slicing

12:32

and cutting and she finally got my clothes

12:34

cut off

12:36

she then took the knife and started kind of running

12:38

it up and down my body with the points

12:40

and with the side of the the the edge we

12:43

, up on the floor and she climbed on me

12:45

me she's pushing the knife into my rib cage

12:48

while she's riding me riding i

12:50

have this kind of little cat scratch almost

12:52

marks all over my body and

12:55

when i got off i was i bucks so

12:57

hard that i actually

12:59

sort of stabbed myself on her holding

13:02

, metics often may may not

13:04

mortally obviously mortally enough

13:06

where it just kind of jabbed and a little bit and

13:09

, just it was such as satisfying

13:11

experience the

13:14

sex itself was the i mean

13:16

it was fucking mind blowing right

13:20

the thing that really left an impression

13:22

on me was oh my god

13:25

there are other people that want to do these weird

13:28

violence

13:30

then

13:32

it's sort of open the floodgates very briefly

13:34

where i started talking about everything

13:39

i , to be tied down to a table

13:42

with a saw blade attached to it and to it

13:44

it's slowly coming towards me while i

13:46

got jerked off and you know when

13:48

i com the saw blade start

13:50

cutting through me and then i dialects

13:52

and assists i learned very

13:54

quickly that like okay that's way too

13:56

much dial it back a little bit because you're

13:59

years you're scaring the shit have

14:01

his host the things that you're saying but

14:03

i also knew that if i didn't say

14:05

that i had an interest in these things

14:08

i would never me more people that

14:10

were into these thing

14:14

one of the times i would find

14:17

women that were like oh i kind of

14:19

think about similar things about being

14:21

tied up and pushed around her head or this

14:23

and so it led to a lot of exploring

14:27

with other partners but many of them

14:29

were more submissive women

14:32

so i didn't get to play out my

14:34

desk fantasies or my

14:36

pain or my things that i liked as

14:38

much but i did get to indulge in these other

14:41

fantasies and and and that i

14:44

enjoyed as well

14:46

everything was really great in

14:49

my early twenties when i was just sort of out

14:51

there hooking up with people and

14:53

finding partners and i

14:55

eventually met someone know that

14:57

i fell in love with that with

15:00

not really into any of those things i

15:04

guess after a few years of kind of not

15:06

expressing any of that stuff it started

15:08

to get a little hard to keep

15:11

the around and so he talked

15:14

about exploring opening up our relationship

15:16

and being poly and

15:18

ultimately it ended up

15:21

to sinking that relationship completely

15:26

i was devastated because it was it was really

15:30

i felt like the relationship fail

15:32

because i was a weird person

15:35

i didn't really know the steps to take

15:37

to try to get over that other than

15:40

to just try to ignore

15:42

the thoughts and desires when i was with a

15:44

person that wasn't into it because

15:47

that's what life is about rate you meeting the

15:49

woman that's going to be with you for the rest of your

15:51

life and yeah all

15:53

those foolish childhood a things

15:55

that get baked in from disney movies and

15:58

all that nonsense

15:59

and

16:02

after that relationship fell apart i

16:06

decided that i also wanted

16:09

to punish myself and of weird where his

16:11

so i actually sort

16:13

out the absolute worst person

16:16

for me the day this person

16:18

was very emotionally abusive

16:22

very physically abusive she would

16:24

hit me in and in and off on me and

16:27

and i didn't provoke her she was just

16:31

if you've ever seen a

16:33

television show where someone snaps

16:35

and kills their husband had of anger

16:38

this is the type of person i would not be surprised

16:40

would end up on one of those shows so

16:42

i think i was both mentally

16:45

and physically torturing

16:47

myself on purpose i was

16:49

both aroused by the fact

16:51

that she was heading me but because it wasn't

16:54

that , consensual way

16:57

of that i would play with other people

16:59

were you know we knew and negotiated

17:02

while we were gonna do beforehand and of is heading

17:04

for fun this was not heading for

17:06

fun so in a way yes a enjoyed

17:09

being beaten but i also enjoyed

17:11

that i was mentally being punished

17:14

for putting myself in

17:16

this position this

17:18

went on for years i spent years

17:20

with this person in in this

17:23

horribly toxic relationship and

17:25

toxic don't even necessarily know that necessarily knew

17:27

that at the time that i had done that on purpose

17:30

but it was something that it very quickly realized

17:33

after realized ended that relationship

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the air burst

19:45

the feelings are frustrated

19:48

mr acted sexuality and pushing all that

19:50

stuff down and making myself try to be more

19:53

normal i i kind of replace

19:55

that with my pride in my job he

19:57

gave me something to focus on that wasn't me

20:01

missing the weird stuff that i was

20:03

into i think

20:05

that worked for a while as far as keeping

20:07

me distracted enough to think

20:10

that i could have a shot at a normal

20:13

quote unquote relationship with somebody

20:15

and in fact that was when i met

20:18

the person who i ended up marrying we

20:23

met we ran a band together and he

20:26

walked into , room and

20:28

i made fun of her for liking the beatles beatles

20:32

and i took her out

20:35

to see inglorious basterds

20:38

the next weekend i was completely

20:40

in love with her with is it's

20:42

just nothing really sell really

20:45

anymore unless i gotta tell her

20:47

about it like i swear to share everything

20:49

with her and we

20:51

, a conversation very early on in our

20:53

relationship infected may have been on

20:55

our first states where i was like

20:57

listen i'm into some things

21:00

and you know she kind of came back at me with i don't

21:02

have much experience with anyone and anything

21:06

and that sort it doesn't seem like it would be to pleasurable

21:08

at all so i think i'll pass

21:12

then

21:13

i was willing to move forward with it

21:18

the susie and i had been dating for

21:21

a little over a year everything

21:23

was going well so about

21:25

a year into our relationship

21:27

i ended up going on a camping

21:30

trip with some friends of mine this

21:32

weekend's this is there was warnings on the news

21:34

that there is a was a heatwave and you know try

21:36

to stay indoors and user air conditioning and fuck

21:39

all that we knew what we're doing we're gonna go camping

21:41

we were going to drink and we were going to eat screw

21:44

the weather and

21:47

we're on this trip and and i'm

21:49

sweating profusely throughout it's

21:51

and i start getting a little bit nauseous and i'm

21:53

thinking like are crap like i have heatstroke

21:56

maybe maybe we should have listened to the his son

21:58

his i was ago

22:00

well maybe i'll go sit in my car

22:02

and i'll put the air conditioning on and i'll try sleeping

22:05

in there and see how assess

22:07

though and

22:09

i went and did that too and i

22:11

ended up to sitting up all night and

22:14

eventually started getting kind of dizzy to

22:16

and i , i didn't know is

22:18

going on and in the morning com

22:20

and i had slept maybe two hours and

22:23

i got up i

22:25

said to my friends listens as his sons

22:27

something's not right something's not terrible

22:29

i i have to go home i

22:31

ended up just jump in in my car and driving myself

22:34

home

22:36

my mother and that upcoming to check

22:38

on me while i was at home she took

22:40

one look at me and she said you

22:43

idiot you're having you're having attack

22:47

there is is weird look in her eyes it

22:49

concerned me enough like i know my

22:51

mom's a little out there in a little crazy but it

22:54

, enough of a look of concern that i was

22:56

like a little shaken

22:58

by it the

23:00

oh my god iterate you know what let me take a shower

23:03

and then you could take me to the hospital and

23:05

about and minutes into

23:08

the drives the pain

23:14

my vision guy

23:16

to a point where everything

23:19

was whitewashed with light it just seemed

23:21

like everything

23:23

everything have like and this

23:25

i don't want to thing and zelikow it was almost

23:27

like a and annoying glow i

23:29

got a migraine title

23:32

white everything just was so blown out

23:35

i got this year than i already had been sweat

23:38

was pouring off of me and now

23:41

i , this pain in my chest

23:44

that felt like there was some

23:46

kind of spikes sticking into my heart with

23:48

a buick sitting on top of vets

23:51

the pressure was i

23:54

don't even know how to describe it was breathing

23:57

was such an effort and effort and a chore

23:59

the

24:01

she pulled right up for the doors i don't

24:03

know how i made it into the door but i i

24:05

ended up i went in and

24:08

i walked right up to the counter and i

24:10

said i'm having and having chest pains

24:12

they are like will get you right end so the

24:15

doctor comes and this guy looked like mark twain

24:18

he walks right i say and

24:20

, says i'm how much cocaine

24:22

are you doing less head head

24:26

i and i start immediately put it together

24:28

i'm like okay of chest pains i'm sweating

24:30

i look like shit like , tattoos

24:32

all over me

24:33

thirty years old this this guy this

24:36

guy is making me out to be some had a derelict

24:38

i'm pleading with him like i don't do drugs

24:40

like you know this that the other thing

24:42

and so they're like oh well maybe it is

24:44

a panic attack but you know what just just in

24:46

case let's let's take a look at his heart

24:49

so they will me down to where

24:51

they do the sonograms

24:54

before they even started doing it the

24:56

phone rings and , technician

24:58

picks it up and i can hear

25:01

in her voice something isn't good

25:03

good she hangs up immediately and she runs

25:06

out in the hallway and she sees

25:08

an orderly and she's like hey hey she's hey hey

25:11

you have to come here right now right need you to

25:13

take this kid back to emergency he's

25:15

having to emergency attack the

25:18

orderly is kind of yelling down the hall i'm

25:20

clocked out for break like i can't wheel

25:22

and down that's a liability and

25:24

she's like well i can't wheel

25:26

and because i have that's not my job and

25:28

that's a life skill at it so

25:30

they're arguing with each other and

25:33

and i feel my heart going to let the like i'm starting

25:35

to get nervous now like because i've just heard

25:37

from this scared technician that i'm having

25:39

a heart attack for the first him

25:43

i end up standing up

25:45

then i say i walk myself backs

25:48

and they both sides that that's a terrible idea

25:51

my my my breathing is now very labored

25:54

and i'm probably having a panic attack on

25:56

top of a heart attacks because i'm

25:58

like oh my god i'm having a hard

25:59

and they ended

26:02

up calling

26:03

another hospital to come and get me

26:07

my girlfriend's i knew that she had

26:09

no idea what was going on and and and i was

26:11

thinking oh my god like if i die

26:15

like that it like i'm never going to see her again

26:18

and that was what i fixated on and

26:20

and i think putting

26:22

it on her and that like

26:24

i wasn't going to see her again

26:26

was where i succeeded to

26:29

, from actually thinking about

26:31

what was happening to me it's

26:33

very strange disconnect the

26:35

you that you have even when you're faced

26:37

with what is really happening

26:44

when i think back on how i tried to deal

26:46

with it i'm headed disappointed in

26:48

myself the , that i decided

26:50

to try to sleep off what i was feeling

26:53

i there was all these other things that other

26:56

what ahead of my own

26:58

safety and my own life and a lot

27:00

of ways you know your

27:03

parents are bad hearts that's

27:05

like doubling your chances and you're a smoker

27:07

that's also like upping your chances and

27:10

you , you don't really exercise you just see

27:12

you know he drink and leave play music

27:14

and and i thought like oh

27:16

like you know you'll stop eating bacon and

27:18

stop smoking when you're when you

27:21

know you don't have to worry about this till till

27:23

then as you know how many thirty

27:25

year olds to you know that that that have heart attacks

27:28

have and you know you

27:30

don't think about it until you know it's

27:32

either happening or after the fact when you

27:34

reflect back on at me like wow

27:37

like was stupid was

27:42

i they they weren't really sure of

27:44

the full extent of the damage that had been

27:46

done because some

27:48

of it could sort of heal but they said it

27:50

would never be a would never seal

27:52

completely i've never going to seal

27:54

the way that i felt again felt again

27:57

kind of forever damaged

27:59

and

28:01

the bottom the birther the bottom portion

28:03

of my heart really doesn't work that

28:05

well as , a lot of dead

28:07

muscle tissue they're having

28:09

the heart attack or having the thing that happens

28:12

you happens you is absolutely

28:14

the easiest part of it

28:16

it happened to me what would you what you

28:18

don't really see your so

28:20

much is

28:22

the

28:23

mental anguish that comes

28:25

along with not

28:28

just having the heart attack but being

28:30

a thirty year old who needs to have a pacemaker

28:33

and a distributor later put in their body and

28:37

, had been rushed back to the hospital

28:39

eleven times in the next two years

28:41

because i was having recurring bouts

28:44

of para carnitas which is

28:46

the swelling of the sack around your heart it

28:48

starts to crush your hearts or and

28:50

is immensely painful the

28:52

constant fear of

28:55

of death that had been according

28:57

to me those things

28:59

are the things that the hardest to

29:02

deal with because you you feel like you're never quite

29:04

out of the woods

29:07

about a year after the initial heart attack

29:11

my , and i ended up getting married

29:14

i was in the middle of may real

29:16

deep depression and and i said yeah you can

29:18

you can leave like you don't have to like be

29:20

your i'm damaged i may not be here for

29:22

long long don't have to

29:25

stick around it's not like

29:27

i'll even be it ever be able to tell you i can

29:29

love you from the bottom of my heart's like you

29:31

know heart's was kept the sense of humor

29:34

the has of

29:36

the heard

29:37

credit c c did not

29:39

wanna leave c c wanted to

29:41

stay by my side and she wanted to marry me and

29:43

and and that was what we ended up doing awesome

29:47

as it was getting married and and as

29:49

happy as i was to get married to her

29:51

ah i was still dealing with dealing lot

29:53

of the depression and depression and and

29:56

still wasn't enough to pull

29:58

me out of like the fear what may

30:00

come next i , depressed

30:03

to the point where where

30:05

are watching something on tv that you

30:07

don't wanna be watching and the remote

30:09

control is sitting right next to you and

30:11

you don't care enough to change set up

30:14

just because you're just letting life happened

30:16

to you because your

30:18

ambitions are gone you are you

30:20

can't work , the same

30:23

department that used to work in because used

30:25

to work in a room with electromagnets the now those

30:27

old completely fuck up

30:29

your pacemaker and see you have

30:31

to take have to desk job as

30:33

his job that you'd wrath so much of your pride and

30:35

to your whole life when

30:39

it changes like that it's is it becomes

30:42

the ceiling of of of thinking and thinking

30:44

and thinking and you're trying to claw your way out

30:46

and then you end up giving up on trying

30:48

to claw your way out need just let life happened to

30:50

you and that's how you end

30:52

up sitting on a couch watching

30:55

shows like say yes to the dress for

30:57

twelve hours as it's

31:03

one day the

31:05

tv happened to be on the

31:08

id discovery channel and

31:11

a television show came on the

31:13

guy with called wives with knives and

31:16

it was basically about

31:18

women who killed their husbands of

31:20

by you know in various methods poisoning

31:22

stabbings i'm i'm watching this show

31:25

and you know where where say yes the

31:27

dress was kind of like a miserable

31:29

as the wives is nice

31:32

started to arouse me a lot of bed and

31:34

the him watching this woman plot her husband's

31:36

death and i'm like who like

31:39

the really fantasize about being

31:41

being murdered by a woman that was that

31:44

was always one of my deepest fantasies

31:47

from childhood and childhood and and it's been

31:49

so long since i since i thought about

31:51

it and and and that fear of death

31:53

and that that impending doom was the thing

31:55

about it that

31:57

that me so arouse i've been sitting

31:59

on a couch for

31:59

years terrified that i'm

32:02

gonna die tomorrow wired

32:04

that turned me on for

32:07

the first time in a while a while celts

32:10

this glimmer of

32:12

hope

32:15

i knew i couldn't talk to susie about

32:17

it because she

32:19

had spent so much of the past two years

32:21

being so positive for

32:24

us and for me

32:26

i was like i can't talk

32:28

to you about

32:30

me fantasizing about dying because

32:33

all you do is try

32:35

to make me not think about that part of my life

32:38

my life i didn't think it was fair i

32:40

didn't think she would though

32:42

i was go new and of talking to

32:44

ah kam girls about

32:47

it if you're unfamiliar

32:49

at cam girls they are women

32:51

, basically strip over

32:55

the internet for you ah

32:57

and put on shows usually sexually

32:59

based or they do like a girlfriend

33:02

experience type of thing where they you

33:04

know talk to you and things like then you

33:06

pay them money to them money this i

33:08

ended up contacting have so

33:11

many of them and sort

33:13

of explaining the situation and telling them

33:15

what i wanted hey would you

33:18

sort of look at the camera and pretend to

33:20

have me tied to a chair and murder me a

33:24

, of the responses that i got back were

33:27

were a little out of my comfort my

33:30

or this is this is of weird

33:33

you should definitely see a therapist this

33:35

isn't someone you want to be talking to account for hours

33:39

so i started to kind of

33:42

do that little glimmer of hope that i had had

33:44

momentarily when i started to put this

33:47

together and until one

33:49

woman on on on one of these websites

33:52

named deseret looked very

33:54

comfortable to me in a way that was she

33:57

looked like she would be a friend of mine she looked like

33:59

someone who i probably would have done

34:01

some of the is like kinky weird things with

34:03

growing up she had tattoos and

34:05

and a short punkish red hair

34:07

and just looking at a picture of you know something

34:10

about you just to seems right and

34:12

then ask her i'm going to ask her this gonna

34:14

be the last time last time and if she says

34:16

no them them okay i'll i'll start

34:19

seeing a therapist or i'll do something or

34:21

figure something else out but but but

34:23

i have to try i

34:26

waited all out there i told her the entire situation

34:28

i told her how many other people i contacted

34:31

have no one wanted to do it i

34:33

got that

34:34

the email minutes later

34:36

the said

34:38

this is fascinating

34:41

then i would totally want to do this trio

34:44

ramius grant

34:47

i was so overjoyed so

34:51

i wrote a script hi

34:54

to a chair in her dirty basements

34:56

and i've been been lurking

34:59

around her house and c house c c

35:01

me out and tied me up and and and

35:03

she has such said a jumper cables in our hands

35:05

and started asking me these questions like we're

35:07

redoing in my house and then pretending

35:09

to electrocute me like once when i wouldn't

35:12

answer her and who is this very it's sort of

35:14

basic interrogation type of thing where

35:17

you know she would say one part of a script

35:19

and then in my brain i was

35:21

able to fill in the dialogue that i would be saying

35:24

the she said minute video back a

35:27

couple of days later that

35:30

it was incredible and and and and it really

35:32

turned me on ends i

35:34

start thinking about well i

35:36

know that if she was actually electrocuted me right

35:38

now there's a good chance it will like completely

35:41

fuck up my pacemaker and my my my

35:44

internal the for relate or and like

35:46

that could kill me and i know what dying feels

35:48

like so i can actually think about what

35:51

dying feel like now because i always fantasized

35:53

about dying but now i actually

35:55

know what that feeling feels like i know

35:57

what heart failure feels like i know

35:59

being

36:00

just on that edge of death feels like and

36:03

i can actually put my

36:05

memories of those feelings that have been in

36:07

my brain as a scary thing for for

36:10

the past he used i could put those feelings

36:12

into this fantasy

36:14

and really tied together

36:16

such a way that makes this feel very

36:19

very real

36:24

the video kind of ends with to

36:27

tell me what i want to know and i'll let you go i'll stop

36:29

hurting you type of interrogation the whole video is

36:31

set up like that nuts on being resistance

36:33

is torturing mates and and then at the end

36:35

of the video i eventually confess

36:37

my tell her what she wants cause i can't take anymore

36:39

of the of the pain instead

36:41

of letting me go she says oh i'm i'm i'm

36:43

sorry the or i can't let you can you know too

36:46

much i have to kill you now and

36:48

that's that's the moment that i was raised really

36:50

waiting for this approaching

36:53

me for for the last time with

36:55

the said a jumper cables and

36:57

, a communal levy's i knew this time and i'm gonna

36:59

watch you fries and it's gonna turn

37:01

me on watching you die and i'm

37:04

and i'm my brain is going

37:06

crazy because i'm like oh my god i know

37:08

what it feels like and i'm i'm actually sitting on

37:11

one of my hands as if my arm is

37:13

is is tied behind a chair and then with my other

37:15

hand up to an early jerking off like

37:17

a fucking maniac this and and

37:19

i'm panicking because i'm like oh my god she's gonna

37:22

to going to put the silver cables on me and i'm gonna

37:24

it's gonna kill me it's gonna kill me and and i i know

37:26

what it feels like it's earth as an

37:28

end and bam i've been like com

37:31

ropes and all

37:33

for that and it was like

37:35

it was like the depression left me

37:38

with this one fucking orgasm that i had

37:40

the get blue adhamiya like in in

37:42

the most

37:44

in seen league cathartic way that i

37:47

i don't even know how to put to words

37:52

they did so much more for me

37:54

in any amount of talking to doctors

37:57

about you know them trying to comfort me or friends

38:00

or anything like that like this this

38:02

pornographic video that pornographic had hired

38:04

this this woman to make for me

38:07

it it it it it six to me

38:18

it was just another day on the mediterranean

38:20

island of malta doesn

38:22

, carolina galatea matthews

38:24

mother was running late i

38:26

has a walking away away

38:29

press resume on the laptops conte obtained

38:31

the music i was going was die

38:34

, exposure please god of

38:36

these calls to be another call from

38:40

wondering the makes i

38:44

was a story about what happened in

38:46

the mood of a local journalist reveals

38:48

dark secrets there's going to be in the no

38:51

just kidding that's neat but also very

38:53

stories and her memory the police didn't

38:55

take action did you didn't do what booties you

38:57

usually do as a as big and small

38:59

engine as you never get i'm steven

39:02

gray an investigative reporter

39:04

who killed destiny premieres on july

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early

39:55

then in is weird sort of ah

39:57

when it rains it pours kind of fashion

40:00

once she had said that she would do this video

40:02

for me of course a bunch

40:04

of other people that hadn't gotten back to me before

40:07

back to me and era like oh yeah i do that the

40:10

now i had all these other women that were willing

40:13

to make these videos for me

40:15

and so i

40:17

just started ordering and commissioning these

40:19

these videos and which ah

40:22

i murdered and

40:23

if you could think aware of a way to kill somebody i

40:26

have a custom video of

40:28

me being measures him

40:32

i've always been a big fan of electrocution so that

40:35

was that was the first one that i did and

40:37

some of the really fun ones were ah

40:40

the being injected with a poison that

40:43

would it kill me if my heart

40:45

rate gets too high and then someone gives me

40:47

a hand has assess assess and

40:49

so like when i fucking get off my heart

40:52

stops there was was one ah

40:55

there's another one where someone my

40:57

pacemaker out of my body and just

40:59

would watch me slowly go into heart failure

41:02

and she was masturbating while she was watching

41:04

me die that was a fun one a

41:06

, of kind it's easy as

41:09

me and will type of you know

41:11

or batman sixty six like you

41:13

know held over a vat of

41:15

acid type of cz

41:17

they're all very can't be and very fun

41:19

and some of them get very graphic and very brutal

41:22

and they're they're this assesses

41:24

yeah they're they're all they're all i treasure

41:26

all of them but the one i i'd

41:28

the one that i truly you

41:31

come back to the most is that first once

41:34

i mean i i watch it once a week in this

41:36

is this is years later and as for

41:38

years later and a half i

41:40

don't think anything that i ever could one

41:43

would ever top my emotional

41:45

connection to this to this one's this

41:47

one's and this one person who i've actually

41:50

become very close friends with ah

41:52

subsequently after she after she made

41:54

these these movies for me because we we

41:56

started speaking very intimately about you

41:59

know

41:59

i nodded my life and and this and that

42:02

an end in a we started talking off

42:04

of the website and and we we we've

42:06

hung out in person and it's it's

42:08

it's a true friendship

42:12

the thing after a two months of

42:15

me ordering these videos i

42:17

was completely

42:19

over i no longer am afraid

42:21

to die i've come to terms of the fact that

42:23

i may die tomorrow i ,

42:25

want to die i

42:28

have a fantasy about dying but about

42:30

don't want to be murdered

42:33

i don't want her for you know i'd i want to let him

42:36

i want to keep the have being less like a circus

42:38

the thinking of have been record and

42:42

ever that initial two months where months where ordered

42:44

all these videos and and really kind of came to come

42:46

to terms with my depression

42:49

and with my fear i decided i had

42:51

to talk had to talk to my wife about it and

42:53

i and i laid it all effortless and like this is

42:56

this is what i've been doing a be talking to these these

42:58

women about ah pretending to kill me

43:01

when , was a kid i had these fantasies about this

43:03

and they really turned me on and i was

43:05

watching the show one day i guy just i laid

43:07

it all out for her and

43:10

she actually said why didn't you ask me

43:12

to do

43:14

then i was it well

43:15

you're not

43:17

into that stuff i mean we talked about that a long time

43:19

ago and in i wanted to share

43:21

it with you but i didn't i didn't want

43:23

to make you are or make you feel forced into participating

43:26

in this she

43:28

was no i would have done that for yoda do anything

43:30

for you

43:32

i didn't and put the faith in her that that she would

43:35

have done that i i i was in have been trying

43:37

to protect her i sort of disrespected

43:39

her in a way you

43:41

know i would explain some of the the

43:44

fantasies the had or the play that i had done with other

43:46

people and , seemed

43:48

okay like doesn't really

43:50

doesn't really interest me but

43:52

i can always wanted to do something with

43:54

like another girl ssns

43:57

is like oh well

43:59

we can do that

44:03

we ended up i hate to say

44:05

dating but i guess we were does we were dating

44:07

other that the female drummer of

44:09

the band i was in at the time she

44:11

got some weird feelings about it about it there was some

44:14

jealousy and we ended up

44:16

having to and it never used it as

44:18

it got messy but but what it did

44:20

do is it made us say okay

44:22

we we obviously don't know how to make

44:25

something like that work

44:27

we need to meet other people that do this

44:29

so we ended up ah

44:32

of finding a website that is sort of a

44:35

social media for

44:37

kinky people and

44:39

we found a local munch munch

44:41

is basically ah

44:44

a dinner at a regular

44:47

sports bar or vanilla type place

44:49

but a bunch of kinky people

44:52

go there and meet up and have dinner

44:54

and talk to each other i

44:57

could say anything that i

44:59

thought was hi even

45:01

if everyone in the room like

45:03

well i don't get that they were accepting

45:06

of it and they , relate to

45:08

and and say like oh well maybe i don't want to get my head

45:10

chopped off but i do want

45:12

half a broomstick are inserted

45:14

in me and i want to be called

45:17

called you know a little girl's

45:19

name i don't know like serve someone

45:21

t like balloon popping

45:24

any you name it like is is there something

45:26

for it if it's something can be done

45:28

or if there is an object somebody

45:30

has sexual has that in some way i've

45:33

really i found

45:35

my home in a lot of ways in

45:38

fighting mccain community

45:43

i would be so frustrated that i that i wasn't

45:46

that i wasn't having sex or wasn't

45:48

so filled in some ways i think

45:50

that that got me curious once i

45:52

had gotten past all that ah

45:54

into some chastity play

45:57

because that's you know giving someone else control

45:59

over your

45:59

your genitals

46:03

i have always been a bit of a

46:05

masochist when it comes to pain and so instead

46:07

of buying a , cage

46:10

made of plastic or even metal

46:12

i got one that was made of steel

46:15

and and lined with spikes

46:17

very sharp spikes on the inside

46:20

so if you get aroused

46:22

it basically stamps and cuts your penis

46:28

ah a i typically typically a good

46:30

seen for me would be would be me

46:32

locked up in that spike chastity kid with

46:35

one or two or are more

46:37

on women

46:39

the time me up and and

46:41

relentlessly beating me with things

46:44

that you didn't wouldn't thanks to beat

46:46

someone with unless you were trying to kill him like a baseball

46:48

bats m s a yeah

46:51

i like being beaten to the point where

46:53

my body turns purple

46:56

with bruises on and

46:58

i'm almost not recognizable as of

47:00

as the skin tone of a human

47:02

being

47:05

and i take the sting year beatings

47:07

like with canes and things like that

47:09

as more

47:12

of an endurance that i'm proud of that i can take

47:14

where i don't really like it but i like the

47:16

fact that i don't like it's whereas getting hit

47:18

with a bat or something the

47:21

bit more thirty i i

47:23

could probably orgasm from

47:25

getting hit the right place with

47:27

his assess assess just

47:29

just for the idea i

47:33

have card ,

47:35

and and blood clotting issues and and i

47:38

i shouldn't take such deep tissue beatings

47:41

ah so often so

47:43

i try to kind of keep them to special

47:45

occasions assess special

47:51

i was talking to a friend of mine and he said

47:54

oh , think you know you're into wait six months

47:57

and i was kind of like yeah of yeah yeah

47:59

you know like i've been into the stuff that i've been into

48:02

since i was a little kid i know me

48:04

i know what i like i've played with plenty of people oh

48:07

my god i was wrong ssssss

48:10

because the more you hear about other people's

48:12

things the

48:14

more you see other people do these things

48:16

in like a dungeon setting or something like that

48:19

you start to get ideas for how

48:22

you can relate that either your thing or

48:25

even just be like i never thought i'd be interested

48:27

in that let me let me try it's i have

48:31

play partner of mine who is

48:34

a transgendered mail into

48:37

puppy play and if you asked

48:39

me two years ago if i'd be playing with a transgendered

48:41

man ah doing puppy

48:43

place i have been like it's

48:46

probably not but

48:49

we did a scene when they were i i dressed

48:51

up like a mad scientist and i had a

48:54

medical kit including a dissection kitten

48:56

front of me in front of him

48:59

and , i had him down on

49:01

all fours fours

49:03

i had him look at this diagram that where

49:06

i had drawn up which was ah

49:08

the human anatomy being dissected

49:11

and turned into forcing them to

49:13

basically be a dog for the rest of their lives

49:16

and , i put him in his position and made him

49:18

stare at this paperwork and i picked

49:20

up a scalpel and i scalpel and in front of his face

49:22

and i i walked behind him and i i slipped

49:25

scalpel in my pocket and i pulled

49:27

out a butter and ss and i had a packet

49:29

of ice sitting on his back for a while so that it got

49:31

nice and numb i took

49:33

the ice pack it off and i took that

49:35

butter knife and i started just kind of the

49:38

some weird cutting things were you're

49:41

not being caught but he can feel the pressure

49:43

to conceal this knife blades but he's none

49:45

so he also doesn't really understand what's going

49:47

on i did as

49:49

much surgery scene and i even had the

49:51

sake bloody rags in my pockets mates

49:54

took them out next through them in front of his face know that gotta

49:56

worry about that ox are clean it up later

49:58

and you know you're going to bureau the such a pretty puppy

50:01

when when i'm done with you and it l

50:04

it was so it got so intense he

50:06

actually cried but that's that's

50:08

the place said he likes to be pushed to

50:12

for some reason at the end of this scene hi

50:16

that's so tapped

50:18

into my primal self he

50:20

wasn't barking like a dog he was whimpering

50:22

like a puppy and and so i got down

50:25

on all fours in

50:27

his face and i started barking and his face

50:29

to and this i was like i

50:31

like i want to hear you park was a happy

50:34

home stuff what's what's that the system

50:36

wrists and like i did the this

50:38

is something and i never i never would have expected

50:40

doing and it's just sets word went and

50:43

, so i think that that

50:46

you is the do meet other people

50:48

that can give you that experience in that

50:50

knowledge you don't you

50:52

don't know when you can't get there

50:57

for about two years

50:59

my wife and i you know we

51:02

played together a little bit but we really we

51:04

really found that are play styles weren't

51:06

super compatible so we we

51:08

had other play partners she

51:11

was going along with an a lot of ways as far

51:13

as when we started and

51:15

then she to develop some real relationships and she

51:17

found her own tanks and things

51:19

like that but

51:21

i couldn't be where i am if it wasn't for her

51:23

and i appreciate her and i respect her for that i

51:25

love her for that's by

51:28

eventually started growing apart and

51:31

our relationship

51:33

there's not really working out ah

51:36

the way that because we're always thought

51:38

it would and so on

51:41

sadly we are separated now

51:47

a lot of people

51:50

the the started writing me the

51:52

emails and messages on that

51:54

ah that kinky website i had been talking about

51:57

and asking me to you know both

52:00

is what should they do about the situation

52:02

or they said oh i

52:05

, to my first month because i heard you talking

52:07

about it's you know and analyze

52:10

i feel this responsibility to sort of get

52:12

people that are in that last limbo

52:15

space and bringing them into

52:17

the community and into finding where they need

52:20

to be finding them the home that either i

52:23

talk to another guy who had

52:25

been kinky for

52:28

about the same amount of time that i had

52:30

but he had been in the public community

52:32

for all that times and the two

52:34

of us decided

52:36

to start like start little you know stupid

52:38

podcasts to just document

52:41

my journey through the coming

52:43

into the kinks seen that you know like forty

52:45

of our friends with listen sale and that would be that's

52:48

and that ended up kind of blowing up

52:52

you know if you feel you

52:54

need to be

52:55

doing something in and you're ashamed of that

52:58

there is a community out there that you

53:00

fit into and that you can learn

53:02

from in the you grow with and it will support you

53:05

and you know this dumb

53:07

little podcast that i started is

53:09

this gateway of finding

53:11

these people and ends and

53:14

and helping get them where they need to go i mean

53:16

sharing

53:18

my life experience

53:20

with people and reaching out to people that are

53:22

that are that have this interests

53:25

the most like amazing thing that i've

53:27

done with my life and i've and i've i've so many

53:30

true friends and i feel

53:32

he to use the word blessed perplexed at

53:34

all

53:39

if i hadn't had my heart attack

53:41

and gone through the years

53:43

of suffering that i went through

53:45

and subsequently from that happening

53:48

that happening know that i would have ever found

53:50

my way here i am i may have just

53:53

been that person that never really was

53:56

getting what it was that the neatest

54:01

i don't know that that's true i don't know that there's

54:03

any way to actually know

54:05

that but in a weird way i'm

54:07

grateful assess assess

54:10

and there's things about

54:11

you know my life now and and

54:13

even still i'm i'm i'll never be

54:16

one hundred percent the way that i was before

54:18

i still have a lot of restrictions on my life and

54:21

but i think of emotionally happier

54:24

on and because of the place that i am and of

54:26

the work that i do and the ,

54:28

that i feel and been new express who i

54:30

actually am as a person instead

54:32

of the ceiling that there's

54:35

something wrong with me that i need to fix or

54:37

i need to push down or i need not be

54:39

this way

54:41

maybe of having a heart attack was

54:44

when i had to the price that i had to pay the

54:47

be okay with myself as a person i'm

54:50

one hundred percent okay with that

55:01

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55:04

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