0:00

Hi, Chris and Jen here. Hello. You're about to

0:02

listen to episode four of Truth and Claw. But

0:04

just before that, a quick message to say that

0:07

we'll be taking a mid-season break next week before

0:09

returning in two weeks with episode five and the

0:11

rest of the season. In the

0:13

meantime, a reminder that this Thursday, the 14th

0:15

of March, sees the publication of the first

0:18

Victorious D novel, High Voltage. We

0:20

are extremely excited about High Voltage.

0:22

It's a brand new Fleet and

0:24

Clara adventure. It's got kidnappings, bank

0:27

heists, the Brunellians, and how they

0:29

really work. Because it's a

0:31

novel, it's an absolutely huge story

0:33

of true victoriosity scale. And we

0:35

want to say an enormous thank

0:37

you to everyone who has already

0:40

ordered, and in some cases, because

0:42

of some very eager bookshops, received

0:44

your copies. Now, if you're thinking,

0:46

oh, High Voltage sounds like a lot of fun,

0:48

I'll get around to ordering that at some point.

0:50

First of all, you are right. It is fun.

0:52

But also, what would really, really help is if

0:54

you place your pre-order or order right

0:56

now, or at the latest by Friday

0:58

night. Why? Because they all go into

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week one sales, which is our best

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and online search rankings, both of which

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would obviously be a huge boost, bringing

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new readers and new listeners to the

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show, and ultimately helping us keep making

1:12

more of both. We don't have

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a huge marketing campaign behind us. We are relying

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on people who love the show to buy the

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book and spread the word. So if you like

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what we do and would like to support us,

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please consider placing a pre-order or order of High

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Voltage by Friday night. Every single copy

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can make the difference. You can

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order from lots of places in the

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in the USA and worldwide, you can

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order with free international shipping from the

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the details are on our website at

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victoriosity.com. Thanks

1:45

for listening, and enjoy episode

1:47

four of Truth and Claw.

1:53

Victoria City, Truth and Claw by Chris and Jen

1:55

Sugden. Episode four. Money

2:18

can't be happiness, the writer and social

2:20

commentator Michael Monkfish wrote in his third

2:23

book of Discount Wisdom's Penny for My

2:25

Thoughts. But, he continued, money

2:27

can keep certain kinds of unhappiness from

2:29

getting totally out of hand, which is

2:31

why all royalties from this book will

2:33

be going towards the restoration of the

2:35

Baroness Kiel's dining room. And once again,

2:37

my deepest apologies for what I now

2:39

realize was behaviour wholly unsuited to awake.

2:43

Monkfish's fate temptingly positioned dominoes of debt

2:45

aside, his point was, in general, a

2:47

good one. But what it didn't

2:49

account for were some situations in which money

2:51

itself was the cause of the circumstances getting

2:53

totally out of hand. As Inspector

2:56

Fleet and Clara Entwistle were now discovering,

2:58

tasked by Detective Chief Inspector Keller with

3:00

tracking down whoever was responsible for the

3:03

so-called Beast attacks plaguing the city, they

3:05

had travelled to the village of Bishop

3:07

Bromley, on the edge of the Boundary

3:09

Forest, where the Beast had supposedly first

3:11

struck. Once there, however, they

3:13

learned that the supposed killing by the Beast of

3:15

a young man, Otis Heepee, had in fact been

3:17

simply a terrible accident in which he had fallen

3:20

off a roof and broken his neck. Or rather,

3:22

a terrible accident in which he had fallen off

3:24

a roof and broken his neck, and then his

3:26

friend had panicked and dragged his body out to

3:28

the woods for the wolves to nip-lat. Which

3:31

they did. Barely moments

3:33

after Fleet and Clara had untangled this

3:35

mystery, however, they had run across an

3:37

even more curious one. A man, or

3:39

man-shaped thing, but seven feet tall and

3:41

covered in brambles in the middle of

3:44

the woods, throwing money at some villagers

3:46

in exchange for them having performed, at

3:48

its behest, a minor act of poultry-based

3:50

mischief. This is still,

3:52

it seemed that Otis Heepee's death had itself

3:54

been the result of a similar exchange prompted

3:56

by this lightly terrifying forest person. What

3:59

was this? creatures' business with the villagers of Bishop's

4:01

Bromley? Was it related somehow to the

4:04

other deaths attributed to the beast? What,

4:06

above all, was it? And what other

4:08

horrors might lurk in this immense, city-bounding

4:10

woodland, where most people knew better than

4:13

to go? These were the

4:15

sort of questions that Fleet and Clara had

4:17

in their minds as they chased this lavishly-spending

4:19

Bramble person through the blackness of the midnight

4:21

forest. These, as well as the more

4:23

pressing question, exactly how far does

4:25

this stupid thing plan on running? Where

4:30

is he going? There's nothing out here! Maybe

4:33

there is. Maybe he has a lair. A

4:35

lair? A hideout, please. But Wilder, I'm more

4:37

sinister. I know what a lair is. Then

4:39

what's the problem? It's inadvisable to run into them.

4:41

All we need is the element of surprise. We're

4:44

in a pursuit! It's the opposite of surprise!

4:46

Wait! What? Can

4:48

you hear him anymore? No. Bah!

4:51

Bah? Bah! An expression of irritation,

4:53

Fleet. I'm not sure I've ever heard

4:55

you express irritation. Well, what would you say? I

4:58

wouldn't know. I'm never irritated. He certainly

5:00

moves quickly for someone covered in brambles. Maybe

5:02

there's a track or he's dropped something. It's

5:04

hard to tell. I can barely see the

5:06

trees. Everything all right? Can

5:10

I offer

5:13

you a handkerchief, Clara? Can't you smell

5:15

that? Smell what? Well... Hmm...

5:18

Almost. Almost what? Almost.

5:21

Hmm... It's ham! It is

5:23

ham! It

5:25

is ham! I think it's honey

5:27

glazed. No, I've heard of this.

5:30

We're outside the city in the middle of the

5:32

woods, no idea where we are. We've gone forest

5:34

mad. We haven't gone forest mad. There's

5:37

ham here somewhere. I think

5:39

it's over. Oh yes! Here it

5:41

is on this stump. Just the ham

5:43

by itself or any mustard set out. Mustard?

5:45

With honey glazed? Oh, quite right. I don't know what I

5:48

was thinking. Maybe it's a clue to the location of

5:50

the lair. Wait. Let's have

5:52

a look here. That's not looking. That's grabbing. Wait! AHHHHHHHHH!

6:00

Hello? Who's down there? Well,

6:03

well, well. Miss Pap was

6:05

told! Oh god. Would you

6:07

rather someone else had caught us?

6:09

Possibly. Look what old Gertie's caught

6:11

in her best creature-catching net! The

6:13

fabled detective of the forest! Solving

6:15

crimes of the woodlands since time

6:17

immemorial! I never thought I'd see

6:19

the day. It's night! And what

6:21

on earth are you playing at? I would

6:23

have thought that was obvious from your current

6:25

predicament, Inspector. Showing the Baron here

6:28

how to place the perfect beast trap. The

6:30

old net and ham. It's a classic. Because

6:32

it works! The black dog's claws

6:34

would slice through that netting in seconds. And

6:37

I do not think it would be fooled

6:40

by bait you clearly acquired at a butcher's.

6:42

E contrario, Baron! The net and ham was

6:44

how I caught the Grimsby Grimm. You didn't

6:46

catch the Grimsby Grimm. There's several

6:48

local newspaper headlines, along with

6:50

some really smashing photographs of my

6:52

profile, that say I did. Although

6:55

in truth, the Grims did turn out to

6:57

be just an Irish wolfhound who'd fallen in

6:59

some mud. And you mark my

7:01

words, Baron, the beast will be just the

7:03

same. Or possibly a great day.

7:06

Or a push, a German shepherd. The breed,

7:09

obviously, not Fraulein Bopeef. If you

7:11

are quite finished. She is never

7:13

finished. I am not trained for this. Is

7:15

there something you need, you two? Need? No,

7:17

we're perfectly happy up here in this net, aren't

7:19

we, Clara? Maybe a wall hanging wouldn't go amiss.

7:22

A nice rug for wherever the hell our feet

7:24

are. Since you've established we're not the beast,

7:26

could you let us down, please? Of

7:28

course. Brace yourselves. Slowly.

7:30

I'd do it quickly, if I

7:32

were you. No, I- AHH! AHH!

7:34

AHH! AHH! Ow! AHH! You're

7:38

welcome. Thank you. Now,

7:40

I don't suppose either of you saw a

7:42

seven-foot part tree, part bush, part man thing

7:45

come this way. It threw some

7:47

money at some people from Bishop's Bromley, in exchange

7:49

for them releasing someone else's chickens. You

7:51

speak of the Barganer. Barganer? A myth.

7:53

From around the old forests of the

7:55

Midlands, when the Midlands were the actual

7:58

Midlands and not the Boundary Forest. If

8:00

I'm not mistaken, hey Baron. Apart from calling

8:02

it a myth rather than a creature, you

8:05

are correct. The Bargainer is

8:07

a trickster spirit of the woods, enticing

8:09

foolish people with silver to undertake jests

8:11

and japes on others for its own

8:13

amusement. Well, trickster spirits aren't a real

8:15

thing, but it sounds like we're after

8:17

someone dressed in a Bargainer costume. Don't

8:19

get distracted, detectives! We're here to

8:21

find the Beast. This person dressed

8:23

as a Bargainer is why Otis

8:25

Heepee is dead. We have to

8:27

find out who they are and put a stop to it. And

8:30

besides, maybe it's the Beast as well. The

8:33

Bargainer and the Beast are from

8:35

completely different branches of the cryptotaxanomical-

8:38

They're both mythical creatures. They're both causing harm

8:40

or mischief to people. And if you're willing

8:42

to play dress-up as one sort of monster,

8:44

why not another? Right. Plus we're

8:46

only even up here in this forest because of

8:48

a supposed Beast sighting, and now we run into

8:51

this Bargainer thing. It's too coincidental. They can't

8:53

be swayed, Baron. They have

8:55

the passion of the traits in their hearts. Come

8:57

with us. Our tracking of the Beast is not

8:59

yet done. We'll catch up with you. Or

9:01

perhaps we'll just catch you if you

9:04

go ham-tinging again. Ha ha ha ha!

9:06

Right, Baron. Five pounds says the Beast is

9:08

two Labradors side by side covered in pudding

9:11

or something. Last one to find them's a

9:13

rotten egg! I

9:16

did not agree to the pudding, wager. We will vouch

9:18

for your honour, Baron. You might be a rotten egg, though,

9:20

if you don't get a move on. She has

9:22

no power to make such pronouncements. I

9:24

refuse to participate in... Ha ha ha! There

9:28

he goes. Fleet

9:32

and Clara resumed their pursuit of the Bargainer through

9:34

the forest. They moved

9:36

slowly now the trail was cold, and the

9:39

hot-footed frenzy of the chase had given way

9:41

to cool perseverance, and the room

9:43

temperature hoped that their quarry could still be

9:45

found. The investigators clumped their

9:47

way doggedly across the moss, earth,

9:50

and undergrowth, until finally they were

9:52

greeted by the sight through the

9:54

trees of the low-burning orange of

9:56

the sunrise, a sight that would

9:58

have been more comforting had it arrived several times. hours

10:00

later when it was supposed to. What

10:03

is that? I don't know. As

10:07

they approached the false dawn, it grew brighter

10:09

and higher, and resolved itself into what it

10:11

truly was, a town. Or

10:14

rather, a vast number of streetlights tracing out

10:16

the length and breadth of the town, and

10:18

casting their glow up the sides of enormous

10:20

brick buildings, standing in a grid that was

10:23

as orderly as the forest around it was

10:25

wild. Fleet and

10:27

Clara soon reached the edge of the

10:29

settlement, hopped over a low-boundary wall, and

10:31

wandered into town. The

10:33

cobbled streets were lined with

10:35

buildings of industry, factories, warehouses,

10:38

offices, all the same red brick,

10:40

all as clean as the day they'd been built.

10:43

There were no people to be seen, however,

10:45

and after a few turns, Fleet and Clara

10:47

found themselves on a wide avenue. It

10:50

was grand, flanked by columns of

10:52

neatly pruned ash trees, a

10:54

banner suspended from the buildings on either

10:57

side introduced this thoroughfare as Determination Way,

10:59

and on an island in the center

11:01

of the avenue there stood a large

11:03

statue, a man, in his early fifties

11:06

perhaps, sitting on a bench in

11:08

a smart but modest suit, beaming with

11:10

satisfaction through his ample thicket of facial

11:12

hair at either the town or the future

11:14

or both. At the

11:16

base of the statue there was another bench,

11:18

and on it another man, a very

11:21

similar-looking man, except this one was

11:23

actually real. He was

11:25

in his late fifties perhaps, in a

11:27

slightly tattered modest suit, beaming with

11:30

a satisfaction even greater than that of his

11:32

stone twin above, and so enraptured by his

11:34

surroundings that he gave no sign of even

11:36

noticing Fleet and Clara until they were right

11:39

in front of him. Can't

11:42

sleep, eh? Nor I.

11:44

Who can with all that's yet to

11:46

be done? Sorry? I envy them,

11:48

you know, those whose lights turn out as soon

11:51

as they hit the pillow. I

11:53

don't begrudge them, hard work deserves hard

11:55

rest, but some dreams can

11:57

only be dreamt awake, can't they? How

12:01

can I keep my eyes shut in

12:03

my bedroom when all this is out

12:05

here? Curtains, maybe. Curtains,

12:09

good one. Good

12:12

to see you both. Restless

12:14

minds, that's what I like to see. And

12:17

there's nothing like a stroll round town

12:19

for mind and body. I

12:21

do advise not making a habit of it though. Leave

12:24

the sleeplessness to the older folk. I

12:27

need you both fresh as a pair

12:29

of dew-sprinkled daisies. Need us for what?

12:32

Whatever it is you do here. What

12:35

building are you in? No, don't tell

12:37

me. I can usually guess. Let's see.

12:40

Glass workers. No. Welders

12:43

on the belt line? No. Clugs.

12:47

Shipping clugs. No. A receivables

12:50

clug. Oh, good guess. No,

12:52

it isn't. We don't work

12:54

here. Oh, well then, my

12:57

apologies. Some 15,000 employees

12:59

we house here. I just assumed.

13:02

Name's Burn. Titus Burn. Welcome

13:05

to Burnhaven. My little slice

13:07

of paradise. And

13:09

who might you be wandering through? Clara

13:12

Entwistle and Inspector Archibald

13:14

Fleet. Private investigators. Oh,

13:17

don't often get visits from detectives. What

13:20

are you here for then? And why are

13:22

you here so late? We chased someone

13:24

here who was behaving suspiciously in the

13:26

forest earlier tonight and that. And

13:28

you think this person's hiding out here? Oh,

13:31

they work here. You think one of

13:33

my employees is messing about in the forest?

13:35

Unless it was you. Kind of you not

13:37

to assume my forest running days are behind

13:39

me. But no. Oh,

13:42

you know what this calls for.

13:44

A warrant. A tour. Of the

13:46

factory. Factory singular. There's a

13:48

dozen factories on this side of town alone, miss.

13:51

Where to start? We really don't need a

13:53

tour. We need to find someone. And how

13:55

do you propose to do that without knowing

13:57

your way around, eh? Exactly.

14:00

Actually, No. It's

14:02

settled. authorities. Oh,

14:04

I'd never get to the movies myself.

14:06

Come on then. We'll take

14:09

a less down a to the old buildings

14:11

where it all started. Titus.

14:15

Been that the investigators along the avenue

14:17

and deeper into town explaining the purpose

14:19

of every building they passed and occasionally

14:22

throwing up facts and figures about their

14:24

output that Sleet and Tara could not

14:26

understand but assumed from Burns beaming smile

14:28

were impressive. And. They were correct

14:31

to do so because Bernie even was

14:33

indeed impressive and home to some of

14:35

the largest and most efficient factories and

14:37

all of even Greater London, making every

14:40

conceivable good plus if you inconceivable ones

14:42

just for good measure. As

14:44

they walked the buildings grew even larger

14:46

and from their rooftops giant tower receivers

14:49

picked up was into the sky and

14:51

found out into ornate fractal patterns sucking

14:53

from the at all the energy they

14:55

could like leaves in the sunlight. Burn.

14:58

Through open the doors of several the they

15:01

passed and quickly explained what each made as

15:03

he as fleet and Clara to poke their

15:05

heads inside. But. There was clearly

15:07

one building he had in mind to

15:09

take them to another. It looked identical

15:11

to the rest. Burned began almost to

15:13

skip with anticipation as they reached the

15:15

door. right?

15:18

This is building a team. Used

15:20

to my tin cans in there.

15:22

Now something even more exciting

15:25

when everyone sleep sleep on.

15:27

Giving you a personal to

15:29

are these majestic factories and

15:31

you want to know where

15:33

the beds are? Suited.

15:35

To size is a crime noom. Sticky list

15:37

A house smoke. We're not looking for a

15:39

factory. were looking for a person. There.

15:41

In the dormitory or something dormitory.

15:44

What's your take me for? Every

15:47

worker gets their own little

15:49

slats a one of the

15:51

accommodation neighborhoods larger sized family.

15:54

Little schools, doctors' surgeries,

15:56

everything paid for. Nobody.

15:59

Wants for any. everything, and every

16:01

worker knows their job matters.

16:04

That's very noble, Mr. Byrne. Well,

16:06

you can't take it with you, can you? And

16:09

it doesn't hurt to be able to walk around

16:11

town and show off the new contraptions we're working

16:13

on? Such as this

16:15

beauty! Byrne

16:18

flung open the door, and led Fleet and

16:20

Clara into a vast space that was unlike

16:22

the other factories they had seen in several

16:24

respects. Firstly, that it was

16:26

almost entirely empty. And

16:28

secondly, that the part of it that

16:31

wasn't empty was an enormous cuboid machine

16:33

in the centre, towering upwards to the

16:35

factory's ceiling like a decent-sized building in

16:37

its own right, and with

16:39

various levers, pulleys, buttons and screens

16:41

adorning its side, and giant mechanical

16:43

arms reaching inwards, as though it

16:46

might tear itself apart from within.

16:52

What do you make of that, then? It's...big.

16:56

Big? It's eight

16:59

storeys' eyes, son. I did say

17:01

big. What is it? Good evening,

17:03

Mr. Byrne. Oh, Trotter! Didn't see

17:05

you there, burning the midnight oil

17:07

again, eh? Well, it tends to

17:09

be the only way I can

17:12

get work done without being constantly

17:14

interrupted. Miss Entwistle, Inspector. This is

17:16

Dr. Algernon Trotter, Chief Boffineer at

17:18

Burnhaven. Been with me

17:20

over thirty years. Pleasure to meet you,

17:22

Dr. Trotter. Hello. Yes,

17:25

well, founding engineer, technically. I

17:27

don't love the term Boffineer. It

17:29

tends to make the sciences seem

17:31

remote and arcane, rather than a

17:34

disciplined profession. Trotter, show them the

17:36

watch-a-ma-make-its. Sir? The

17:38

what? The watch-a-ma-make-its. What's a watch-a-ma-make-it?

17:40

What does it sound like? Gibberish.

17:43

You know, Trotter. This, the

17:45

turn things into other things

17:48

machine, the watch-a-ma-make-its. The arbitrary

17:50

outputs constructor. What's that?

17:52

The name of what I believe you're referring to.

17:56

Good thing it's not you that names the

17:58

machines then, isn't it? Already forgotten it. But

18:00

we're talking about the same thing, right? Doesn't it

18:02

make whatever you ask for? Not

18:04

even remotely, sir. Oh, it's

18:07

made everything I could think of. That

18:09

is true. Fire it up, Trotter. I

18:11

was actually running through some diagnostics. Trotter,

18:13

we have guests! Fire

18:15

up the colossal doodad! This

18:20

is the future of manufacturing.

18:24

Son, go on then. Sorry? Ask

18:26

you for something. What kind of thing? Anything!

18:29

All right, machine, do you in any way

18:31

aid our investigation? I'm not

18:33

a question, son. Ask

18:35

it to make something. Oh,

18:38

an apple. An

18:40

apple? No. No,

18:43

something affectory with me. No. A

18:46

bird! Exactly. That

18:49

input is insufficiently bounded. As

18:51

is the person we are actively trying to

18:54

pursue. You've asked for something a bit broader.

18:57

What kind of birdcage? What

18:59

size? What type of door?

19:01

What material? It's difficult because

19:04

I already have a birdcage. What

19:07

if you did it? I

19:09

suppose I'd go to a shop. A

19:11

shop? Where people are. People like the

19:13

person dressed as a thicket bribing villagers

19:15

into debt by misadventure. We're a fat

19:17

tooness. Where do

19:19

you think the shops get their

19:22

stock from? Wholesale? Well,

19:25

that's correct. They get them

19:27

from fat toons. Look,

19:29

shut your eyes. Let go

19:31

of your preconceptions. In

19:34

your wildest dreams, what

19:37

might it be? Okay.

19:43

Watch me make it. Please make me

19:45

a birdcage. Three feet tall,

19:47

two feet wide, made of wrought

19:49

iron painted cobalt blue. Good.

19:52

Anything else? Um... Oh,

19:55

make the carry handles in the shape of wings.

19:58

Swift wings. And have two... There are

20:00

no three perches running through the centre, but

20:02

make them of wood, horse chestnut, so it

20:05

feels like a branch under the birds' little feet. Lovely!

20:08

Right, I think that's it. Catch a cage

20:11

on a stand. No, legs! It should be

20:13

able to walk around by itself to take the birds

20:15

into different parts of the roof, so they can follow

20:17

the sun or the shade. So it will need

20:19

ponces to know the temperature and stay of the cage,

20:21

and to know to move about when it gets too

20:23

cold or warm. There should be a container

20:26

in the roof of the cage that can release little

20:28

treats on a schedule to keep the birds happy, and

20:30

the cage should be able to adjust the schedule as

20:32

needed. It should be able to

20:34

go outside to take the birds to a walk

20:36

and get them some fresh air. The female might

20:39

try to snore the birds, so it needs to

20:41

be able to defend itself. So it needs arms,

20:43

it needs to understand basic hand-to-hand combat techniques, and

20:45

even if the whole gang of birds sees, the

20:48

cage needs to know to run and hide. And

20:50

if it can't, then as a last resort, it needs

20:52

to release the birds, and to throw itself at the

20:54

assailants, sacrificing itself as a distraction so

20:57

the birds can fly away. And

20:59

you know, they won't be my birds anymore. But

21:01

do birds really ever belong to people? Or

21:04

do we just keep them for a while and tell the birds

21:06

that we're keeping them safe, and really, they should be asking

21:08

why are they being birds? I don't

21:10

know. You get some birds in the birthday

21:12

present, and then one day you wake up

21:14

and you're asking yourself what it means to

21:16

be free for birds or people. Certainly not

21:18

marrying some rich idiot like you're supposed to,

21:20

that's just a different kind of cage. And

21:22

yes, it can move around from fun to

21:24

shade and keep you comfortable, but is comfort

21:26

really what we are all aiming for? And

21:29

if not that, then what? A

21:31

purpose, surely. Bringing the news to

21:34

the people and bringing criminals to justice. What

21:36

more could you want? A birdcage? A

21:38

cobalt blue walking, popping birdcage? Aren't

21:41

fancy things just a distraction from the purpose you

21:43

moved the length of the country to fulfil? The

21:46

vain, impossible notion of becoming the person the

21:49

younger version of you thinks you ought to be?

21:51

But then what else can one do? Is

21:54

the life of a hermit and do without all material goods?

21:57

Go down to furniture, just use in the nude

21:59

in the dark. in your bed in the corner

22:01

making a nest out of your dressing gown until they

22:03

eventually find you and taught you how to

22:05

deadpot. And the people say, oh,

22:07

what a shame. Another promising

22:09

young woman driven mad by society's demand that

22:12

they instruct a machine the size of a

22:14

building at half-past four in the morning to

22:16

design the perfect birdcage. I

22:20

think we're actually out of blue. That's fine.

22:23

Here it goes. Everything

22:25

all right, Clara? She's very late,

22:27

Pete. She's very, very late. It's

22:30

just her midnight everything, Pete. I'll be fine

22:32

after she sleeps. It's my... Look

22:36

at that. Hi, I'm

22:38

Birdcage. Oh, that

22:40

you are. My word. Hi,

22:43

I'm Birdcage. Very good, automaton. I

22:45

must contain birds. Well, we're fresh out

22:47

at the moment. Where are my birds?

22:49

You don't have birds yet, automaton. You've

22:51

just been created. Where are my birds?

22:54

Birds. Where are my birds? Oh,

22:56

God. Stay back. Automaton, await

22:59

instructions. Birds, birds, birds,

23:01

birds. Aah! Birds, birds,

23:03

birds, birds. Birds, birds,

23:05

birds, birds. Hey.

23:11

Well, pipe sir. That's the second robot we've

23:13

watched die in two days. Well, technically the

23:15

first one just got turned off. This one

23:17

is definitely dead. Right.

23:22

I think that concludes this nighttime tour of

23:24

the Naiven. I hope you've been

23:26

inspired by our efforts to build the future.

23:29

Keep up the good work, Trotter. Maybe

23:31

sweep up these dead robot bits before you

23:33

clock off, if you don't mind. You

23:35

two, let's head to my house and get

23:37

a few hours' kip. Right,

23:42

here's your room. I take

23:44

it you're happy sharing. What? Only

23:47

joking. You'll be in this one, Inspector.

23:49

And then miss and twistle your one

23:52

door down. At try to tiptoe if

23:54

you don't mind, my Francis will be

23:56

asleep in the next one over. Francis,

23:58

my daughter. Three and twenty

24:01

this year, if you can believe it.

24:03

Depends when she was born, I suppose.

24:05

Geez, all I've got left since we

24:07

lost my poor Samantha. But

24:09

then who would dare say that's not enough?

24:12

A child is more than any man

24:14

deserves. Anyway, I'm on the

24:16

floor above, so I'll leave you to get

24:19

some sleep. See you

24:21

both for breakfast at six. Six? Factory

24:23

hours here, miss. Early to rise,

24:25

early to bed. But it's not early to bed.

24:27

It's extremely late to bed. Any

24:30

kips better than none. First

24:32

thing tomorrow, we'll figure out if that person

24:34

you're after is here in the town. I've

24:37

got just the idea. Oh, what? Ah, ah,

24:39

ah, ah, ah. Tomorrow.

24:43

Goodnight, detectives. Well,

24:46

two bargainer suspects down, a few

24:48

thousand to go. Think

24:50

it could be Burn or Trotter? It could

24:52

be anyone, but we need something that

24:54

links them. The bargainer costume or being

24:56

spotted arriving back. We'll find

24:58

some more people to talk to tomorrow. Let's talk

25:00

to Dr Trotter again. We didn't get much of

25:02

a... Is that the

25:04

window? Yes. Is there someone out there? Quick,

25:06

in this room. We should confront them. You don't

25:08

want to confront Housebreakers Clara, and you really don't

25:10

want to confront their crowbars. We should take them

25:13

by surprise. What

25:18

can you see? Rippens or something, Clara, because

25:20

you've put yourself above me looking through the

25:23

crack in the door when I'm clearly taller

25:25

than you. Sorry. My first time spying. I

25:27

thought I could use you for greater stability. It

25:29

seems to be working. I can see very well.

25:31

I'm glad. They're coming in. They're

25:36

coming this way. It's a woman. Housebreakers

25:39

often women. Sometimes. Not often. She

25:43

stopped outside Francis' room. Fleet. Wait

25:45

a minute. Wait. Wait for what? She

25:48

has a key. She does have a

25:50

key. That's either the most prepared housebreaker I've

25:52

ever seen or... Or Francis

25:54

Burn wasn't quite so asleep after all.

25:59

Morning came. or rather since it was

26:01

already morning, continued for a bit until it was time

26:03

to get out of bed. And Fleet and Clara left

26:05

their rooms to find they were alone in the house.

26:08

In the dining room downstairs, no places were

26:10

set. In fact, it looked as though it

26:12

was hardly used at all, and instead there

26:14

was simply a note which read, Head

26:17

to the canteen. Detectives!

26:23

Signed you a spot! Oh, for God's sake. Would

26:25

have preferred to choose your own. I would have

26:27

preferred to thousands of other people in this room,

26:30

including any bargainer in hiding, not to know who

26:32

we are. Well, I don't think we would have passed

26:34

the factory work for a lot. What job could

26:36

you ever do here? I don't know. I

26:38

could smelt something, maybe. Do you know

26:40

the first thing about smelting? Yes, but

26:43

not the second thing, so I doubt it'll last long.

26:46

And you? Rivets. Rivets? Rivets, indeed.

26:48

Not making them, or fixing them?

26:50

I don't mind. I just like

26:52

the word rivets. Good morning, Mr.

26:54

Byrne. And a very good

26:56

morning to you, Miss Entwistle. Inspector.

26:59

Rave a fuse. Let's get you some

27:01

grub. Oh! Menu's on the console there.

27:04

You've got your eggs, sausages, fried

27:06

bread, your good, honest porridge, all

27:09

in whatever combination you feel will best get

27:11

you through the day. Just push the buttons

27:14

in front of you, and within a few

27:16

minutes, your food will appear like magic. But

27:18

it's not magic, of course. It's the hard

27:21

work of the army of chefs we've got

27:23

in the kitchen facility. And all delivered using

27:25

Trotter's food delivery system. You

27:28

remember Trotter here, do you? Yes, we met

27:30

only hours ago. Good morning, Buzz. How do

27:32

you all survive on so little sleep? Strength

27:35

and will, and a lie-in

27:37

on the weekends. Also a nap in

27:39

the afternoon. Also the coffee pipes? The

27:41

what? Do you know how much more

27:44

productive the average worker is with coffee?

27:49

We measured it. But pipe? Right

27:51

in front of you. See the little taps

27:54

coming up from the table? That's a coffee

27:56

tap. Try it, son. Grab a

27:58

mug from the basket. All right. My

28:04

God, he came to me in a dream

28:06

and then Trotter figured out how to actually

28:08

make it work. He's a genius,

28:10

you know. Can you tell us

28:12

the secret, Trotter? The pipes are hot. Amazing.

28:15

Very impressive. In truth, transporting

28:17

the liquid with tolerable temperature

28:19

loss is the easy part.

28:22

The hard part is labelling all the

28:24

pipes clearly enough that the scalding coffee

28:26

doesn't get rooted into the workers bath

28:28

taps. I imagine that'd

28:30

be a joke you wouldn't

28:32

forget. No, but if

28:34

it was into the kitchen taps, surely.

28:38

Have you thought about bringing this into homes in

28:40

London? Yeah, you don't want coffee coming out of

28:42

a tap in your kitchen. You don't know that.

28:44

Who would want to mess about trying to get

28:46

permission to build things in the city when there's

28:48

the paradise of Bernaiven here to keep tinkering away

28:51

with? Half of how this

28:53

town works is thanks to Trotter and

28:55

no blooming planning committees to deal with.

28:58

Just whatever works best. It sounds

29:00

very rewarding. It really is. And

29:03

speaking of rewarding, here's my

29:05

greatest treasure on the earth. Francis,

29:08

good morning, my dear. Good morning,

29:10

father. You look a bit tired.

29:12

Did you sleep well? I

29:15

was reading, perhaps a little too late. You know

29:17

I can't help myself when I have a good

29:19

book. I do indeed. Well,

29:21

pipe yourself some coffee and you'll

29:23

soon feel yourself again. Thank you.

29:26

Now, Francis, this is Miss Entwistle

29:28

and Inspector Fleet. Please make your

29:30

acquaintances. And we yours. Oh, a

29:33

handshake. How awfully modern. Miss

29:36

Entwistle is very modern, Francis.

29:39

She and Inspector Fleet here are

29:41

detectives. I thought I recognised the

29:44

names. Aren't you also a writer

29:46

for the Morning Chronicler? Yes. I

29:48

have a monthly crime poem. Have you read

29:50

it? I have. Most diverting, I must say.

29:53

Really? Is that a suitable

29:55

subject for young ladies who are out in

29:57

society, Francis? But now I'm a... The

30:00

you said to some source, in fact

30:02

I had my breast. Yes, most industries

30:04

have you a bit like you will

30:06

have to be France's once you take

30:09

over this place. I know you will

30:11

not let me down. Sources: You'll have

30:13

the help of your husband when suddenly

30:15

find him. See them do we

30:17

don't discover he's a complete idiot or

30:20

was a poor innocent with so. What

30:23

brings us to by than after seeing

30:25

business and no one ever comes the

30:27

pleasure I'm sure. They're looking for

30:29

someone who's been playing Miss Chief

30:32

in the Woods pro. Interesting. Nothing

30:34

too serious. I have. Series and as

30:36

a follow them here. Good

30:38

luck to you! Oh that reminds

30:41

me I had that idea for

30:43

finding the first year. after that

30:45

he just kind of hundred adventure.

30:47

I hope we get into stab disturb

30:50

me when we arrived very late last

30:52

night. And your father the kinds that

30:54

pisses off in the guess transsexual. Careful

30:58

it out! Thanks

31:00

to. The morning,

31:02

all. We. Have with us

31:05

today some special guess detectives

31:07

from the city. Looking.

31:09

For someone playing tricks on my friends are

31:11

in the village of Bishops Bromley. Now.

31:14

Personally, I don't take kindly

31:16

to trickery. Trickery stands

31:19

against integrity. And. Demands

31:21

Integrity is a candle that one

31:23

snuffed is bloody. Odds are a

31:25

light. On. Do not expect

31:28

any person a to be this woodland

31:30

miscreants. But. If you all. This.

31:32

Is the opportunity to set things

31:34

right. We. All make mistakes,

31:37

not all make amends. And

31:39

that is where lies character.

31:42

Soil. For this one opportunity

31:44

for anyone here to stand up

31:47

and say what I've seen. Or.

31:49

What they've done. That. Opportunity.

31:53

Is now. Detectives.

32:00

The anyone standing. I don't think

32:02

says. Average age was a. Know

32:05

nor. Do I. Miss.

32:07

Burn Do you see anyone? Know.

32:11

All. Rights load Six Disease Then I'll

32:13

take you at your words, thank you

32:16

and carry on with the a break.

32:18

He's. Is. Aldo

32:21

Much more than that. Can? Yes, yes,

32:23

You can interrogate people. Fifteen thousand people.

32:25

We. Would probably me to. This is help. With that.

32:28

ah he's noise and zags

32:30

same breakfast every morning to.

32:35

You my. Son's

32:38

would have a nice you from

32:40

switchboard of this is for you

32:43

to us looks like this in

32:45

our system a spell we did

32:47

well. he's waiting on a location

32:50

to for we're apparently surgeons. Where

32:52

can we receive the full as

32:54

a blue than the street outside.

32:57

The operated in connect you to choose a.

32:59

The truth Confessed midst of an. Oath

33:02

as good a lot. That's right,

33:04

them since Nixon was So yes,

33:07

I would love to hear a little about

33:09

selling Sun City. Meeting

33:11

an hour at the Balance down the

33:14

road it's very early in the mood

33:16

for the probably Us and financing send

33:18

me. Wellfleet.

33:24

Well as a dinner which evidence for

33:26

the item see the balcony Oh yes

33:28

would you think. It's

33:31

from C Span of course. What makes you

33:33

say that? Woman

33:35

from a wealthy and. Very

33:39

like the present and is looking for

33:41

the excitement. Semi rich that took

33:43

silver titans play pranks on us and

33:46

it's an elaborate costumes Not to mention

33:48

she clearly has barely set up we

33:50

saw has me seen last night. Strong

33:53

case, don't you think? Oh no, it's

33:55

definitely her. So the reasons I said

33:57

partly that mainly because her father's didn't.

34:00

bench in front of thousands of people and

34:02

asked if anybody there was responsible. And? Well

34:05

that's quite an interesting question. And? And

34:07

she just stared at the table, which isn't what

34:09

you do if you're curious about the answer. It's

34:13

quite a small phone booth, do you want to

34:15

speak to Septimus or...? Oh! Oh!

34:18

Clara! See? There's

34:20

easily room for both of us in here. Not decently!

34:22

You know people can see us, right? This thing

34:24

is entirely Windows! People have better things to

34:26

worry about than two people in a phone booth. You'd

34:29

think so, but... Operator! Hello!

34:32

This is Clara Entwistle and Inspector Pete. Switchboard said there was a

34:34

woman waiting for us. Connecting. Miss Entwistle! Inspector!

34:37

Good. I thought you might have wound up at Bernaven. I've

34:40

seen sardines with more elbow room. Just proving a point, Dr. Bell. I'm

34:43

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not

34:45

sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

34:47

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

34:50

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

34:52

not sure. I'm not sure. I've

34:55

seen sardines with more elbow room. Just

34:57

proving a point, Dr. Bell. Well, whatever

34:59

it was, point proven. Do

35:01

you have something for us, Septimus? I certainly

35:04

do, Inspector. You know how last

35:06

night I was camping out outside the village of

35:08

Bishop Spromley? Yes, we were

35:10

with you. And how I was waiting

35:12

until the mid-list night to exhume the

35:14

body of poor Otis Heepee, the young

35:16

man believed to have been the first

35:18

victim of the beast? Yes, Dr.

35:20

Bell. So that... ...that I

35:22

might conduct a post-mortem examination,

35:25

determining if his injuries were consistent with

35:27

such a theory? Septimus, what have

35:30

you found? Well, brace yourselves. We're

35:32

already braced! We can't move an

35:34

inch in here! Then curd your

35:36

loins! Excuse me? Metaphorically, of course.

35:38

Septimus. Sorry. My conclusions are

35:40

as follows. The young man was

35:42

indeed savaged, but only after his

35:44

death by grievous trauma to the neck.

35:48

Yes, he fell off a roof playing a prank, but

35:50

then he was moved to the forest where his body

35:52

was mauled by something. Indeed, but not the beast. Well,

35:55

of course not the beast, Septimus. There's no such thing. No,

35:58

no! I mean it. Even

36:00

whatever it is. People. Think is the

36:02

beast? Are you sure? Well. It's

36:05

the last solutions you see. Dead.

36:07

Give away. The

36:11

rules are simply not as decreases in or

36:13

be strict. As all of

36:15

these calls them, I try not to engage

36:18

in conjecture, but given where the body was

36:20

found, Who. says.

36:22

Food know who? He

36:24

thought most like. I'm

36:27

afraid the with with is simply

36:29

no evidence of any person or thing

36:31

we are calling the. Beast. well

36:34

he told them i'm sort of the now

36:36

that we actually saw particularly given what we

36:38

are the heard people saying about into the

36:41

Barguna to the what know the given a

36:43

to see if he was the entire reason

36:45

we've and came up to the his bromley

36:47

said loner the heat than a than. Mean.

36:50

It's. Open A waste of time thought would go

36:52

that far as factor no time with when.

36:56

He sees them on a case where

36:58

the wrong end of a bloody country

37:00

is a bit of a sit back

37:02

and particularly unfortunate timing given the most

37:05

recent. What nice. Oh you have seen

37:07

it's been in the papers today. Know

37:09

what is it? Well I'm afraid that

37:11

has been another be scaling back in

37:13

the heart of the city, quite far

37:15

away from where you are. Oh bloody

37:18

hell, who is is no details? Yes,

37:20

I must get that. Sweet to

37:22

live by services and. Built

37:24

the picture that stupid aristocratic foods the

37:26

victim interesting guess knowledge you know if

37:29

you collect inspector know devries. It was

37:31

his whole idea to come up here

37:33

and been a wild goose chase. You

37:36

tell him symptoms you tell him he

37:38

is a fool. Well I'm leaving soon.

37:40

As I pack up shop it's easy

37:42

to stop by. I

37:45

probably would. Thank you for

37:47

your help! Talked about ruling out and series

37:49

valuable even if it means we need to

37:52

start again somewhere else. Quite quite. safe

37:55

travels back We

38:05

shouldn't have listened to him. He was very insistent.

38:07

It was tenuous. And now we've

38:10

nothing to show for being here for days.

38:12

Not nothing. Oh? No fleet. A

38:14

young man died because of a prank. A

38:17

prank precipitated by the cruel mischief of a

38:19

bored rich young woman who is waiting for

38:21

us down the street, either to bribe us

38:23

or warn us off, so that she can

38:26

keep doing what she's doing. It's

38:28

not the beast case, but someone died up

38:30

here, Fleet. And we can stop

38:32

it happening again. That's not

38:34

nothing. You're right.

38:37

Let's go speak to the bargainer. No

38:45

coffee taps or pipes in this place, but the landlord brewed

38:47

some up for us. Ooh, thank you. Oh,

38:51

that's hot. He just brewed it up for us.

38:54

Any sign of Francis yet? No sign of anyone.

38:56

But then it is very early to be

38:58

in a pub. And as for Francis, she's

39:00

only 15 minutes late. Why

39:02

are you smiling? You like being kept waiting? No, no, but it's a

39:04

game, isn't it? Game? The mind game, Fleet. The

39:07

mind game. Cat and mouse. She's already started.

39:10

She's done something wrong. We know she's done something wrong. She knows we

39:12

know she's done something wrong. She's...

39:16

Yes, I understand. Probably

39:18

true. What would you suggest we do? We're

39:20

going to be waiting for you. We're going to be waiting for you. Well,

39:23

she will have her line of attack firmly

39:25

planned and rehearsed. Our

39:28

best strategy will be to unsettle

39:30

her by adopting conflicting personalities against

39:32

both of which she cannot hope

39:35

to succeed. Good comfortable, bad

39:37

comfortable. It's a new technique I've been reading

39:39

about. That's not a thing. Also, comfortable

39:41

don't do interrogations. I think we know

39:44

who the grumpy constable is. Oh, she's

39:46

coming. She's the one talking. Miss Entwistle, Inspector. My

39:48

apologies for being late. May I see you for a minute? Of course,

39:50

Miss Byrne. And yes, you are a little late, but no harm done.

39:52

I'm sorry. You'll

40:00

have to pay the good one. Neither of us are constables.

40:02

I'm sorry? Never mind. Miss Burn, you wanted to

40:04

speak with us about what's new in London Central.

40:07

That is what I said. It's

40:09

my word! Clara! Tell us the truth, Francis.

40:11

What? The truth if you know what's good

40:13

for you. What truth? You haven't asked me

40:15

anything. Don't play clever with me. Clara, I'm

40:17

sure if we can't... How many of the poor

40:19

people of Bishop's Bromley have you done your

40:22

bargain address up, Miss DuVonne? Ten? A

40:24

hundred? Ten thousand? That's far more

40:26

than the population. Is there no end to your

40:29

wickedness, Francis? Spending your nights

40:31

tormenting people with your depraved whims?

40:34

I know your type. You would pluck the

40:36

wings of a butterfly suffering as a form

40:38

of sport. And there you sit without a

40:40

shred of remorse, even now only concerned with

40:42

how you might pull the wool over our

40:44

eyes and carry on. But think again, young

40:46

Miss, for you might be as cold and

40:48

unfeeling as steel in the snow, but we

40:50

are not the sort to. Ha ha ha

40:52

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

40:55

There. Wait, what's happening? She's crying, Clara.

40:57

Yes, I can see that, but... Why

40:59

do you think I even came here? To

41:02

bribe us or warn us off? To confess!

41:05

You obviously know what I've done. It

41:07

was just stupid pranks. I didn't know

41:10

someone would get themselves killed. I didn't

41:12

want that! Then why are you so

41:14

late, if not to put us on the back

41:16

foot? I wanted to come clean to my father

41:18

first, if that's quite all right with you. He

41:21

was very upset with me, of course. He

41:24

thinks I'm perfect, which nobody is, and I

41:26

only just got him to calm down, and

41:28

now you're shouting at me as well! It

41:31

was all just stupid pranks! It's

41:34

so boring here. I

41:36

can't work, I can't leave. Nobody dares even

41:38

look at me because they work for my

41:40

father. I didn't want any of

41:42

this. Just tell me what to do!

41:46

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well,

41:49

you were right, Clara. About what?

41:51

You are a bad, bad comfortable.

41:57

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh,

42:00

wilderness lad tidying up the head you've never

42:02

let me down yet. Dr.

42:05

Bell. Oh, good lord. Not quite, Doctor.

42:07

Just old Gertie. And the Baron? Well,

42:09

yes. Baron, Miss Babbo's home? Where did

42:11

you come from? Through the flat, man. Good

42:13

to see you too. I'm sorry for

42:16

being jumpy. It's just the people

42:18

of Bishop's Bormley didn't exactly sign off

42:20

on the post-mortem examination that just took

42:22

place here. But it's all

42:24

done and dust to dusted. My

42:27

men booken done, re-burying the coffin as

42:29

we speak. Awfully good of them.

42:31

I offered to help them, but they were

42:34

really quite insistent I didn't accompany them. And

42:37

equally insistent that the body would definitely

42:39

be re-interred and there would be no reason for

42:41

me to check. Such

42:43

professionalism. Sir, what can

42:45

I do for you both? We're looking for Miss Entwistle

42:47

and the Inspector. Have they not returned from

42:49

Burnhaven? No, but never

42:51

fear. I spoke to them just a moment

42:53

ago and they are very well. Oh,

42:56

the Inspector actually had a message

42:58

for you, Baron. Although you might have to

43:01

give me a minute to summon the will

43:03

to tell you it. Never mind that. We

43:05

have a message for them. Oh, but

43:07

about what? It's a little tricky to

43:09

get hold of them, but I was able to pass along

43:12

the outcome of the post-mortem of Otis Heepee. What did

43:14

you tell them? Well,

43:16

just that the death was unrelated to

43:18

the lacerations and that the lacerations were

43:20

unlike those found in the city. From

43:24

which they concluded that the beast was never here at

43:26

all and that they had been wasting their time at

43:28

the wrong end of the country. And,

43:31

if I recall correctly, that

43:33

you, Baron, are, um, slightly

43:36

misguided. Fool! Yes, actually that was

43:38

it. I couldn't bring myself to

43:40

say it. He means you, Doctor.

43:42

What? Why? Because

43:45

you have left those detectives in Bernaven

43:47

thinking the beast was never here. But...

43:50

but it wasn't. Otis

43:52

Heepee's body, it was all a

43:55

misunderstanding. What is that? A

43:57

plaster cast. Yes, yes, I see. see

44:00

that. But of

44:02

what? You know damned well of

44:04

what. I'm

44:10

sorry. It's all just a bit

44:12

much sometimes. Being the owner's

44:14

daughter. Having an entire company

44:16

town waiting for you to take it over. I

44:20

don't know if I want that. But I

44:22

don't know what else I would do. We

44:24

understand. My mother wanted to

44:26

choose a path for me too. I

44:28

never really knew my mother. I just

44:31

know my father misses her desperately

44:33

and he wants my life to be so

44:35

perfect. He means well but...

44:38

It's stifling. Yes. Yes

44:41

that's the word. Ahem. Fleet?

44:45

What is it? Well there is the small

44:47

matter of you dressing up as a woodland monster

44:49

and tricking the villagers of Bishop's Bromley. Of

44:51

course. Of course. Why

44:55

are you here? You invited us. No

44:57

no. I mean why are you even up here

44:59

at the edge of London at all? This

45:01

can't be where you spend your time. We're on

45:03

a different case. Which case? Miss

45:06

Byrne. Please. I was telling

45:08

the truth when I said I was interested in what's

45:10

going on out there. Have you

45:12

heard of the beast? Ah.

45:14

The beast no less. Serial

45:17

murders. Possible mythical creature.

45:19

That's quite a case for a couple

45:21

of private detectives. We help where we can.

45:24

And I'm sure Scotland Yard appreciates it

45:26

very much. How's the case

45:28

going? Fine. And even better once you

45:30

cooperate and we can get back to it.

45:32

Quite the theatrics isn't it? This beast business.

45:34

Is it? From

45:36

what I've read. Miss Byrne.

45:38

Quite the sensation. These things

45:41

on the edge of nature. The

45:43

size. The fur. The

45:46

teeth. The heart-stopping

45:49

sound it must make. Miss

45:51

Byrne this isn't what we're talking about. Different

45:53

yet? But...

45:57

but this is a footprint. An

46:00

enormous... it's the footprint! It's

46:03

the one from the underground! Yes, it

46:05

is. Where did you find this?

46:07

Everywhere, man! Once we were

46:10

deep enough in the forest, we

46:12

found it everywhere. Someone here must

46:14

know something about the beast! They

46:16

may even command it. But

46:18

if such a person finds the Inspector

46:20

and Miss Entwistle, and they

46:22

think the beast was never here, um,

46:24

because I told them that, but

46:27

the person believes they do think it was here,

46:30

then, um, then they're

46:32

cooked, Septimus! Get on the phone!

46:34

And yes, yes, of course. Oh,

46:36

God, which of these boxes did I pack it

46:39

away in? Oh, label,

46:41

Septimus, first thing tomorrow,

46:43

buy some labels! Why

46:47

do you go by Miss? I'm

46:49

sorry? Miss Entwistle.

46:52

Isn't that how you introduced yourself? That's not

46:54

the topic at hand, Miss Burn. Ah, now I

46:57

am a Miss. The question is why

46:59

Lady Entwistle here would go by that.

47:01

You don't know what you're talking about. You're

47:04

a lady! Your father is an earl. My

47:06

father is dead. And my father is new

47:08

money. You think he hasn't had

47:10

governesses teach me about the gentry? The

47:12

Yorkshire Entwistles? Good family.

47:15

Looks like the daughter's down in London

47:17

playing pretend with a policeman, though. I

47:20

am not playing pretend. I am building

47:22

my own life. It's not fun, is

47:25

it? Miss Burn. It's not fun when

47:27

people see you as your family instead of

47:29

as yourself. Everyone who

47:31

speaks to me in this town is speaking to

47:33

someone else. They're putting on an act.

47:36

They think I might tell on them to my father

47:38

or maybe put in a good word. Good

47:40

morning, Miss Burn. Nice to see

47:42

you, Miss Burn. Didn't you

47:45

further my best wishes, Miss Burn? They're

47:47

never talking to me. They're talking

47:49

to the founder's daughter with him standing

47:52

behind and his big, loving hands on

47:54

my shoulders, ready to throw an anvil

47:56

onto anyone who would do me wrong.

47:59

I can't believe it. I'm being

48:01

lied to constantly by everyone.

48:04

But those people at night in the woods,

48:07

they don't see the great Titus

48:09

Byrne, they just see me. You

48:12

understand? I have

48:14

to disguise myself beneath a costume for people

48:16

to see me as me. As

48:19

do you. Only

48:21

my disguise is fabric, a little voice changer

48:24

and the night. Yours,

48:26

Miss Entwistle, is much

48:28

cleverer. But I know

48:30

how it's made. And I can see right through

48:32

it. Miss Byrne, that's enough.

48:35

Is it? What time is it? What? The

48:38

time, do you have it? Quarter

48:40

two. You're right then. Right about

48:42

what? That that's probably enough.

48:45

Enough what? Clara? See,

48:47

I don't know.

48:49

Clara! Bang on time. What

48:53

have you done? And you, Inspector, you brought it

48:55

to her. The coffee. There

48:59

are advantages to being the top man's daughter,

49:01

of course. I can do more

49:03

or less whatever I want in this town. Even

49:06

playfully ask the landlord if I can

49:08

wait in the back and prepare the

49:10

drinks. Oh, God. Help!

49:14

Help! Oh, no, I sent him home. You

49:17

know, it's a shame. You really shouldn't have

49:19

even been here at all. What

49:22

might you call luck that bad? I'd

49:25

say it's positively beastly. And

49:32

in the deep of the midnight forest, you

49:34

imagine yourself alone. Why do you do that? Good

49:37

luck, or at least prevent it. You're

49:41

superstitious. Who can

49:43

say what hell and blind

49:45

wing, beyond the perimeters of

49:47

our quotidian existence? There's

49:50

no such thing as beast. Just

49:53

you, the tree, the

49:55

breed. Talky Joe.

50:00

The smuggling ring last year now. Not

50:02

what lies ahead. Not

50:04

who. There

50:12

are no beastly people. We

50:16

never leave this forest. And

50:20

daylight never comes. Welcome!

50:22

Welcome, baby! Good to see

50:25

you. Join us

50:27

for a hug. Come on,

50:29

baby! Come on, baby! Come

50:32

on, baby! Come

50:34

on, baby! Oh...

50:42

I have... Oh,

50:50

no... Snoring... Huh?

50:56

Oh, yeah? Huh?

51:00

Oh, God, it's fake! Huh?

51:06

Wait, are you guys a

51:08

girl as well? Huh? Oh,

51:12

I got it! Are you a girl

51:14

as well? Oh, God, how can I cough

51:16

a bit on this angle? I'm sorry, yes.

51:21

Huh? There.

51:29

And Mother said me learning to tie a knot in

51:31

a cherry stalk with only my tongue would give people

51:33

the wrong idea. What? Still

51:35

tied up, though. These knots are better

51:37

than the gag. Hold on. What? Okay,

51:40

hold on. I'm going to start the

51:42

tear. I can't understand you, Fleet. Maybe

51:44

you can remove the gag. How strong

51:46

is your tongue? How strong is my

51:48

tongue? What's that noise? I don't know,

51:50

and I couldn't tell you if I

51:52

did. I can't imagine it's anything

51:54

that takes that long to explain. But

51:57

probably we shouldn't wait to find out. No. Hold

52:00

on! Maybe we can break the chairs. That's

52:02

right! Oh, I forgot. Oh,

52:05

you're doing it! Yes,

52:07

good, good! It

52:13

doesn't sound like it broke feet. I think these

52:15

are just quite good quality chairs. What

52:19

on earth? Hello? Awaken

52:26

to bacon! Dr. Bell? Very

52:28

fine. Oh, you're already up!

52:31

Or down, Inspector. Let

52:33

me untie you both. But whom first

52:35

to help? Me. Of course. Can't let

52:38

a lady sit down, that wouldn't do.

52:40

Let me just put this... Oh,

52:43

I smell the bacon now. It's

52:46

in sandwich form. Here, let

52:48

me help you, Miss Entwistle. Oh,

52:53

thank you, Dr. Bell. Help yourself to

52:56

a sarnier, as they say. I'll

52:58

just untie the inspector. Septimus!

53:07

Bacon sandwich, Inspector? They're barbed. I

53:09

know my way around the washer.

53:12

Gave it's the old Septimus sizzle.

53:15

Have one, Inspector. Yes, obviously I am

53:17

going to eat the bacon sandwich. My

53:19

question is, why have you made them?

53:22

I think you've rather answered your own

53:24

question there, Inspector. Because they're irresistible. But

53:26

why now? Here. You knew

53:28

we were in here bound and gagged, and

53:31

you decided to make breakfast. Well, you certainly

53:33

weren't going to make it. You were bound

53:35

and gagged. That's exactly what... That's

53:37

similar to my point. How long have we

53:39

been in here, Dr. Bell? Um, I'm not

53:41

sure. I found you about an hour ago.

53:43

Why didn't you wake us? Well,

53:46

you were unconscious so peacefully. Let

53:49

sleeping dogs lie, that's what they say.

53:51

Dogs! Septimus, dogs! Not victims

53:53

of a drugging and kidnap, and it's

53:55

a metaphor. Well, I have to say

53:57

that of all the receptions I've experienced...

54:00

to my making someone a big surprise,

54:02

this is among the worst! Are we

54:04

in a beer cellar? You are

54:06

indeed, Miss Entwistle. Or

54:09

one assumes, given the kegs and the fact that

54:11

we're slightly below ground. Are we still in the

54:13

bellows? Oh, you know it. We were just drugged

54:15

in it. Is there no one else here? It's

54:17

not even open, Inspector. I only

54:19

stopped here once I hurried into town, because

54:21

I thought it was curious where Pub's lights

54:24

to be on so early. I

54:26

tried the door. The door was locked. But

54:28

fortunately I was able to James

54:31

it open. Using some

54:33

of the little tools from the pocket

54:35

pathology kit, I keep about me at

54:37

all times for just such an emergency.

54:40

Well actually, I suppose it's for an

54:42

entirely different emergency, but it did the

54:44

twig. Wait, Frances drugged us?

54:47

And tied us up in a beer cellar? Why?

54:51

What is she playing at? We should give her a piece

54:53

of our mind. We should give her a four to

54:55

eight year prison sentence. But yes, why has she even

54:57

done this? She wasn't in that much trouble.

54:59

All she's done is a bit of bargain

55:01

and mischief. Septimus.

55:10

Septimus, do you know something? Well, it's

55:12

funny. We'll see. You

55:14

remember how on the telephone I explained the

55:16

results of the post-mortem? I do. And

55:18

you remember how we agreed that

55:21

that meant the beast has never been

55:23

anywhere near here. I do. Ha!

55:27

Well. Has the beast actually

55:29

been somewhere near here, Septimus? Oh,

55:32

we'll look back on this one day

55:34

with fondness. Aunt,

55:37

where things have gone a bit wrong,

55:39

often what give us the best memories?

55:41

And the worst. Granted? Did

55:44

you see where she went? Miss Entwistle, our

55:46

phone call was quite some time ago. I

55:48

suspect that if this woman has scarpered, she

55:51

was several hours into said scarpering by the

55:53

time I arrived. Have you

55:55

tried her home? While bound to Chez. Either

55:57

there or at the home of her friend.

56:00

Or perhaps she made them a lovely breakfast. How

56:02

thoughtful. No, we're still alive, so she must have

56:04

just wanted a head start getting out of town.

56:07

And given she seems to have access to enough money

56:09

to throw silver at people in the woods, if she

56:12

makes it to London Central she'll vanish. Let's go catch

56:14

her then! Where? We'll figure it out on the way!

56:16

On the way to what? Septimus, do

56:18

you have your vehicle? The

56:20

sail...cycle...thing? The Mobile Forensics Laboratory,

56:23

yes? No. Is it quick? It can

56:25

pick up a fair few knots. I'm

56:27

not sure what that translates to on

56:29

land, mind. It only goes on land.

56:31

And oh, how it goes on land.

56:33

Come on then! Oh, the

56:36

three of us together, Widing the

56:38

air along the world, Swooping a

56:40

hill and dale like the graceful

56:43

hobby-hawk. The wind may fill

56:45

our sail, but it is friendship that

56:47

shall lift our spirits. That's...lovely.

56:51

Let me just grab... Ow! Hey, my

56:53

bacon! We're in pursuit, Inspector. This is

56:55

hardly the time for a saunty. But,

56:58

Francis Byrne, we are coming for you.

57:00

To the vehicle! This

57:16

episode of Victoriosity featured Tom Crowley

57:18

as Inspector Fleet, Layla Khatib

57:20

as Clara Entwistle, and Peter Ray as

57:22

the narrator. Gertrude

57:24

Babworth-Tone was played by Sarah

57:27

Bunnell-Seiper, Pip Bedwin was Baron

57:29

de Vrese, and Philip Cottorill was Septimus

57:31

Byrne. With Richard Rycroft

57:33

as Titus Byrne, Susan Harrison as

57:35

Francis Byrne, and Ben Keaton as

57:38

Dr. Tutter. The

57:40

sanders owners were Odin Orne Hillmarthon

57:42

and Dominic Hargreaves, and the

57:44

editor was Maggie Searles. Victoriosity

57:46

is written by Chris and Jen

57:49

Sebbdon, produced by Dominic Hargreaves, and

57:51

directed by Nathan Peter Grassi, with

57:53

original music by John Owen. The

57:56

programme was recorded at Evolution Studios

57:59

in the Pacific. ATTORNEY ARCHIVE