0:04

Hey, it's Jeffrey Cranor here. Couple things

0:06

to mention before we start the episode. First, the

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We love you. Blood. The

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other thing to mention is that if you like horror

0:56

movies or are just horror movie

0:58

curious, I have a podcast that

1:00

I do with the voice of Night Vale, Cecil Baldwin.

1:02

It's called Random Number Generator Horror

1:05

Podcast Number 9. Listen, Cecil

1:07

loves horror movies, and he's helping make this

1:09

genre more approachable for me and hopefully for

1:11

you, too, one film at a time

1:13

in a random order. It's

1:15

a wild ride where we run the gamut from

1:17

Psycho to The Craft to, oh god,

1:20

Leprechaun 4 in space. So check

1:22

out Random Horror 9 at nightvalepresents.com

1:25

or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, I

1:27

think we're all good. And hey,

1:29

thanks.

1:32

Welcome to Night Vale is brought to you by Progressive, where customers

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1:55

Speak strangely and carry

1:57

an incomprehensible stick. Welcome

2:01

to Night Vale!

2:30

We apologize once again for accidentally

2:33

providing a platform to Dr. Janet Lubell

2:35

of the University of what it is. A couple

2:39

of weeks ago I was tricked away from

2:41

my post here at the station and she was allowed to

2:43

broadcast freely over our airwaves.

2:46

I'm sure many of you experienced anger,

2:48

sorrow, ear ulcers, maybe

2:51

even peed yourself a bit and that's my fault.

2:54

I should not have been so easily duped by her assistant

2:57

Dr. Blake Jones. He

2:59

was just so convincing with

3:01

his tiny little mustache, some

3:03

narrow eyes and knife wound

3:05

of a mouth. I'm more

3:08

disappointed in myself than you are at Night

3:10

Vale. But there's

3:13

no such thing as an error, only

3:15

a learning experience. For

3:18

instance, the Night Vale Spider Wolves Enfield

3:20

committed four learning experiences last night

3:22

in a seven run loss to the Red Mesa

3:25

Ant Carpeters. It can only

3:27

get better from here. And

3:30

as station manager, I've doubled up the locks

3:32

on the doors to keep Dr. Lubell and her lackeys

3:34

out of here. Now I've

3:37

received some kind and understanding emails

3:39

from listeners and I'm really appreciative

3:41

of those. Like this one from

3:43

Morris Sanderson who said, love

3:46

your show Cecil, I always listen while running

3:48

my blender. I love running my

3:50

blender. It is very loud and I love fast

3:53

moving blades. I wish I could

3:55

wear the blender as a hat every day. I hope

3:57

you'll do a show about hats someday.

3:59

Anywho, I was very sad

4:01

to hear Dr. Lubell's voice on the radio because

4:04

it is not as good as yours. And

4:07

also because she's a scientist. And

4:09

I think maybe we should run the scientists out.

4:12

They don't deserve to know about my hat

4:14

ideas. Thank

4:16

you, Morris. But I do

4:19

want to caution you all that we're not

4:21

against science. Remember

4:23

that we're all on the same side, which is against

4:27

Dr. Lubell. But we're also

4:29

on the side

4:29

that science is good. As

4:32

my husband, Carlos, says, science

4:35

is objectively, empirically

4:37

and measurably very neat. And

4:40

he's right. So let's love science,

4:43

but hate the University of what

4:46

it is.

4:48

And now the news. Night

4:51

Vale Coroner, Ryan Medellin, has

4:53

issued a report on the body dug up in

4:55

the sand wastes earlier this month. Officials

4:58

believe these remains to be of former

5:00

mayor Dana Cardinals doppelganger or

5:03

possibly Dana herself.

5:05

While interning at this radio station in 2013,

5:08

Dana murdered her doppelganger with a stapler

5:11

or perhaps it was the other way around. And

5:13

the sheriff's secret police, as well as

5:15

those terrible researchers at the University

5:17

of what it is, we're hoping that this body

5:20

would close the case on this mystery.

5:22

So now is Coroner Medellin's

5:25

printed report. So

5:31

yeah,

5:34

I got a trash bag a

5:36

couple of weeks ago from the sheriff's office, and

5:38

I finally got around to checking it out. This

5:41

is really good. Oh my

5:43

God, what is this? A Reuben? It's

5:45

messy though. And yeah,

5:49

I finally got around to checking it

5:51

out. And I was a little busy because I adopted

5:53

a new dog and she's just been keeping

5:55

me awake at night, flapping her wings on my face

5:57

and screeching. But at least she's eating. all

6:00

the mosquitoes so I love her. I

6:02

named her Robert. Oh dang

6:05

this bread is good. Rye.

6:07

Definitely

6:09

rye. Ooh and marble too. Anyway

6:13

after careful examination I Ryan

6:18

Medellin, Nightville Corner, can

6:21

confidently declare that these remains

6:23

are not of Dana Cardinal nor

6:25

are they of her doppelganger. I

6:28

know these remains to be a pile of

6:29

Atari video game cartridges of the

6:32

much maligned film tie-in game

6:35

E.T. the extraterrestrial. Peace.

6:39

And with that report it seems that

6:41

the case is not closed on Dana

6:43

Cardinal. In fact Dr. Lubell

6:46

has demanded a second opinion on the coroner's

6:48

report. She claims that coroners don't

6:50

have to be actual medical professionals

6:52

and Mr. Medellin clearly wasn't analyzing

6:55

the body but instead rummaging through a garbage

6:57

bag he found out back of the antique mall. Coroner

7:00

Medellin then issued a follow-up statement which

7:03

I will read here verbatim. La

7:06

la la la la la la la la

7:08

la. Can't hear you lady.

7:15

I'm thrilled that Nightville is refusing

7:17

to cooperate with these monsters but

7:19

sadly it doesn't seem to be working.

7:23

The University of what it is has trailers and

7:25

campers set up just outside the town

7:27

limits. They've legally obtained

7:29

this land and there's no law to prevent them from entering

7:32

our city. Freezing them out

7:34

has been impossible

7:35

but there's a new approach coming.

7:38

Tamika Flynn who is a member of our city

7:40

council has taken on the role of

7:42

diplomat. Tamika wants to

7:45

negotiate and reason with the

7:47

university imploring them to stop

7:49

their scientific explanations because

7:52

they're destroying everything we love. Tamika

7:55

begins talks today with Dr.

7:57

Blake Jones. She has suggested

7:59

that

7:59

that Pine Cliff is a much more

8:02

scientifically interesting town because

8:05

everyone there is a ghost. Maybe

8:07

check that place out instead. But

8:10

it was a no-go. So she

8:12

said why not Sagebrush Valley? They

8:15

have cacti there that grow in the shape of horses.

8:18

They also have horses that have cactus-like

8:21

skin. Surely there's

8:23

an interesting paper to publish from

8:25

that, Tamika said. But

8:28

again, Dr. Jones reiterated

8:29

that there is no town more scientifically

8:32

interesting than Night Vale. They're

8:34

not going anywhere. Sadly,

8:38

listeners, I'm I'm not

8:40

so sure this tactful adult Tamika is

8:43

as effective as teenage militia

8:45

leader Tamika. In fact, young

8:48

people all across our city are calling for the

8:50

formation of a new militia if Tamika

8:52

has abdicated her responsibilities with

8:54

the old one. I

8:56

love how civically minded youth today

8:59

are. And

9:00

I know that diplomacy hasn't worked yet.

9:04

But let's give it a chance. And

9:08

now financial news. The

9:10

invisible corn market has collapsed.

9:12

Futures are trading at less than one cent after

9:15

scientists from the University of what it

9:17

is explained that the many acres of invisible

9:19

corn belonging to John Peters, you

9:21

know, the farmer, are just infertile

9:24

dirt fields. He's been selling

9:26

empty crates and calling it produce. Everyone

9:29

buying his invisible corn was being ripped

9:31

off, according to these awful

9:34

people. Because of this, John

9:36

has lost his entire

9:37

clientele, his whole identity,

9:40

his livelihood. Plus, there is

9:42

a massive shortage of invisible corn.

9:46

Or perhaps a glut of

9:48

it. No one is really sure what they've

9:50

been eating if it was never really real

9:53

to begin with. John says

9:55

he's doing fine and that no one should cry

9:57

for him. He's been meaning to pivot to

9:59

a new career.

9:59

as a singer-songwriter. He

10:02

just put out a new album called Quiet

10:04

Covers, 12 completely silent

10:07

versions of folk classics. So

10:10

look for it on Bandcamp, or just

10:12

pretend you already have it.

10:14

He hopes you'll love it.

10:18

An update on diplomatic efforts. Tameka's

10:21

second round of meetings with the university did

10:24

not go well. They just laughed and laughed

10:26

when she offered tax-based financial

10:28

incentives to focus their studies outside of

10:30

Night Vale. Dr. Jones said

10:33

they're too productive to leave.

10:35

Why,

10:36

this morning alone they explained a way Invisible

10:38

Corn is non-existent, the demon-possessed

10:41

girl on William Street, as having an allergic

10:43

reaction to her cats, and the brownstone

10:46

spire as an unusual rock formation

10:48

that someone wedged a Bluetooth speaker into.

10:51

Dr. Jones said there's no way they

10:53

could leave this gold mine of a city.

10:56

Unless, he said, unless

10:59

there was an incredible story,

11:02

something that was truly arcane

11:05

or even supernatural. Dr.

11:08

Jones said so much of what they've explained

11:10

away so far has been commonplace. There

11:13

was the Chupacabra that was simply a rabid

11:15

coyote, and the UFO, which

11:17

was a single-engine Cessna that forgot to

11:19

file a flight plan. That's boring, Dr. Jones said.

11:23

But what if there

11:25

was something truly

11:26

beyond explanation, something

11:29

that would take us months, maybe

11:31

even years, to resolve?

11:35

And then Dr. Jones got a glint in his eye

11:37

and asked, what about the man

11:40

Josh Creighton? We

11:42

hear he's a shapeshifter. Someone

11:45

said he turned into a waterfall in class.

11:48

We could study him. We'd absolutely

11:51

take him and then leave town. That

11:53

would be the discovery of the century.

11:56

Tamika truly

11:58

insulted.

11:59

said no. She

12:02

refused to hand over any one of her citizens

12:04

to these madmen. She even went to

12:07

Josh's mother, Diane, to warn her. But

12:09

Diane said Josh wasn't even in town. Diane

12:13

said he had gone to visit his father,

12:15

but she looked away when she

12:17

said it like she didn't even believe her own lie.

12:21

No one has seen Josh in days.

12:25

I hope he's okay. Keep

12:28

a lookout for a 23-year-old man who

12:30

could look like absolutely

12:33

anything. And if you do find him, keep

12:36

it to yourself. We

12:39

hope Josh is safe, wherever

12:43

he is.

12:47

And now a public service announcement from

12:49

the Night Vale medical community.

12:51

It's never too early to start thinking about

12:53

your colon. First thing

12:55

in the morning, think about that colon. Really

12:58

envision it. Colors,

13:01

shape, texture. Doesn't

13:04

matter how early. It's never too

13:06

early to completely visualize

13:09

your own colon. Gross,

13:11

you say? Well, that's just your

13:13

opinion, man. Maybe you'd be

13:15

healthier if you didn't think of your own

13:18

body as a disgusting garbage pit of

13:20

blood and poo.

13:21

Attitude matters. And we don't like

13:23

the energy that you are bringing to this

13:25

conversation. Not one bit. You

13:28

know, you should learn to love yourself. Like even

13:30

the parts of you that handle the commode stuff.

13:33

Okay, look at you cringing and

13:35

going, ewwwwww! Pssst,

13:38

grow up. You're a child. This

13:42

has been a PSA from the Night Vale

13:44

medical community.

13:46

Frustrations have swelled

13:48

to a new high in Night Vale after council member Tomika Flynn's failed diplomatic

13:51

attempts with the University of what it is. Tomika tried offering them

13:53

everything from

13:56

limitless use of the PSA.

13:59

the scrublands to a coupon book

14:02

full of cute tasks like free back

14:04

rubs.

14:05

She even offered an extra hour in the ball

14:07

pit at the Night Vale Convention Center, but

14:10

Dr. Lubell and Oliver Henchman will

14:12

not budge. They

14:14

want Josh Creighton.

14:17

They'd also settle for the faceless old woman who

14:19

secretly lives in our homes. They

14:22

even asked if Hiram McDaniels was still around,

14:24

but Tamika would not give them

14:27

any single person.

14:30

We are all so tired of these people

14:33

destroying our citizens through scientific

14:35

explanations, but we're

14:37

also tired of nothing working.

14:41

So in lieu of the diplomatic breakdown,

14:43

Night Vale citizens have formed a vigilante group

14:45

to combat the university. Night

14:47

Vale, I beg you that while non-violence

14:49

hasn't worked yet, and

14:53

in the scope of history, it's

14:55

worked way less often than you

14:57

were taught. It still can. We

15:00

cannot

15:00

resort to physical aggression.

15:03

Sure, the sheriff's secret police

15:05

might look the other way if you did a harmless

15:08

little arson or just a friendly

15:11

coordinated assault against the University

15:13

of what it is, but is it

15:15

right? What are

15:17

we? Are we a community

15:19

or are we a mob? A gang. Wait,

15:22

are we a gang? Do we have a cool gang

15:25

uniform and like matching hats and turf that

15:27

we protect using switchblades and dancing? Is

15:30

that

15:30

what we are, Night Vale?

15:34

I don't always know what's right from wrong, especially

15:37

when emotions run high. I sure

15:40

did want to punch Dr. Jones in the face, so I'm like,

15:42

I get it.

15:43

But take a moment to think first.

15:47

And while you do, here is.

15:49

Well, sadly, it's not the weather anymore.

15:51

Now that Dr. Lubell has explained that away, it's

15:55

just a song.

15:56

Here is a song

15:58

for you. listen

16:00

to.

16:30

When I

16:33

fell hard you left me. When

16:37

I moved on you called me. Just

16:41

a little slip up for me. Swear

16:44

that you could smell when

16:47

I moved on. The

16:55

salt and sand

16:58

means we've almost reached

17:00

the end. Nothing

17:02

left to

17:04

do with plunging to the sea. Well

17:09

I've been watching the time fly

17:11

by cranking up the tempo. Rolling

17:14

down the window thought it wasn't

17:17

real though. Everything you're

17:19

telling me is wrong.

17:40

Right now oh I'm feeling furious

17:43

that I'm missing your lips. I

17:45

already mourned there so why'd you

17:47

have to call? When you left it took

17:49

me ages just to feel okay.

17:52

So don't you try to tell me

17:54

or miss me after all. Well

18:01

I've been driving for hours, can't

18:04

stop looking in the rear view Think

18:06

I'm trying to find you,

18:08

think I never had you You

18:10

keep finding ways

18:12

to keep me up, oh Well

18:16

I've been watching the time fly

18:19

by cranking up the tempo Rolling

18:22

down the window, thought it wasn't

18:24

real though Everything

18:26

you're telling me is wrong

18:30

Oh, well When

18:33

I fell hard you left me When

18:37

I moved on you called me Just

18:41

a little slip up for me Swear

18:44

that you could smell when

18:47

I moved on

18:59

At dusk, the mob gathered

19:02

outside the mobile trailers of the University

19:04

of what it is

19:06

Just on the edge of town Torches

19:08

lit, axes sharpened

19:12

Throwing stars tucked into cute little crisscrossing

19:14

sashes At the forefront

19:17

of our frontier justice was

19:19

the sheriff themself Sheriff

19:22

Sam stared down Dr. Janet Lubell

19:25

just outside her trailer Both

19:27

Sam and Dr. Lubell had diabolical

19:29

glints in their eyes and tight sinister

19:32

grins Dr. Blake

19:34

Jones looked uncharacteristically nervous

19:37

just over Dr. Lubell's shoulder He

19:39

held his head high but you could

19:41

see a slight falter to his jaw A

19:44

hesitancy in his breath At

19:47

one point he whispered to Dr.

19:49

Lubell, no one knows what he said

19:51

to her Possibly he pleaded

19:53

for a truce, possibly he called

19:55

for war Possibly he just

19:57

had some thoughts on the new season of success

19:59

We can't be sure but we did

20:02

know he could

20:04

be shaken

20:07

Conflict was imminent Hundreds

20:09

of people ready to fight maybe even die or

20:12

worse kill for what they believed

20:14

in the grumbles from the crowd grew

20:16

into a chant of down with

20:19

science down with

20:21

science which eventually devolved

20:24

into a cacophony and As

20:27

the dam was about to burst at the moment

20:29

just before the first torch was tossed

20:32

or punch thrown Tamika Flynn

20:35

arrived and Dana Cardinal

20:37

was with her

20:40

Tamika stood between the nightville mob and

20:43

the university staff She

20:46

made her final offer for a truce She

20:48

had the supposed remains of

20:51

Dana Cardinal or her double Tamika

20:54

agreed to give it over to the University of what

20:57

it is. It would be an incredible Scientific

21:00

discovery to prove the existence of

21:02

double gangers That's what

21:04

you want, right? Tamika

21:07

asked to make a name for yourself with an

21:10

unprecedented

21:10

find

21:13

Dr. Lubell did not say yes But

21:16

she did not say no either Tamika

21:18

said that if the remains were of Dana

21:21

or her double then Dana would accept

21:23

justice for her actions Dana

21:26

was tired tired of running from her past

21:28

tired of the guilt tired of the University

21:31

Literally digging up her worst memories.

21:34

It had all gone too far and if dr.

21:36

Lubell wants to study her doppelganger

21:39

So be it but after that the

21:41

University of what it is had to agree

21:43

to leave night Vale and never

21:46

to return

21:48

Dr. Lubell said show

21:51

me the body and

21:54

a cadaver pouch on a gurney

21:56

was rolled over to her The

22:01

crowd was quiet, but

22:03

tense, hanging on every word.

22:07

They felt terrible for Dana, but they were so

22:09

proud of her heroism, her

22:11

honesty. Many in this crowd

22:13

had killed their own doubles ten years ago too, but

22:16

would they sacrifice themselves for this cause?

22:20

They weren't certain that they would.

22:23

Sheriff Sam took Dana into

22:25

custody until the remains could be inspected

22:28

by Dr. Lubell. It could be days

22:30

or weeks or longer until the study was

22:32

complete. As the sheriff's

22:34

prowler drove away, so did the crowd.

22:37

Dissipate quietly, heads full of anger,

22:40

sadness and confusion. Only

22:43

council member Flynn and Dr. Lubell

22:45

remained. They shook hands, but

22:48

just as Tamika loosened her grip, Dr.

22:50

Lubell squeezed harder and pulled Tamika in

22:52

close.

22:53

You realize, Dr. Lubell

22:55

said, that if this body bag has no doppelganger

22:58

in it, we're staying. We're staying

23:00

indefinitely. We'll never

23:03

leave. We'll explain your libraries,

23:06

your angels, your dog

23:09

parks, your houses that don't

23:11

exist. We'll explain

23:14

everything. Until

23:17

you understand Night Vale is just

23:19

a bland little town full

23:22

of normalness

23:23

as far as the eye

23:26

can see. Tamika

23:32

smiled, a friendly smile

23:35

full of poison. No,

23:38

you won't. I anticipated

23:40

you might go back on your promise. So I've

23:43

drafted a city ordinance making the practice

23:46

of science a felony. We vote

23:48

on it in two weeks. I already know it will

23:50

pass unanimously. You have until then

23:52

to be gone.

23:53

And as Tamika drove

23:55

away, Dr. Lubell all alone on

23:58

the edge of the desert.

23:59

her lip and tried

24:02

to imagine what it must be like to not

24:04

get what she wants. Council

24:07

Member Flynn, Night Vale, all

24:10

you listeners out there, I

24:13

urge you not to take such extreme measures.

24:18

Yes, I am biased because my husband Carlos

24:20

is a scientist. It would ruin him. But

24:24

it would ruin everything. Science is

24:26

so... neat?

24:29

It's the best.

24:34

It's vital to teach it and practice it. You

24:38

can't just outlaw science, right?

24:40

Right?

24:46

Stay tuned next for bathwater being

24:49

thrown out, among

24:51

other things. Good

24:54

night, Night Vale. Good

24:56

night.

25:13

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. How

25:16

much time do you spend on yourself? What about on

25:18

other people? How do you balance the two?

25:21

It's so easy for me to get caught up on what everyone

25:23

else needs from me and never take a moment to think about

25:25

what I need for myself. Just

25:27

being with friends or family can take a lot out

25:30

of me. For different reasons, of course. But that's why

25:32

I have therapy. Therapy has been a safe

25:34

place for me to hear myself reflected back to

25:36

me. I learn so much about who I am and

25:38

how to be with the help of my therapist.

25:41

If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp

25:44

a try. It's entirely online, convenient,

25:46

flexible, and suited to your schedule. Fill

25:49

out a questionnaire and you get matched with a licensed therapist.

25:52

You can switch therapists at any time for no additional

25:54

charge. Find more balance with BetterHelp.

25:57

Visit betterhelp.com slash night

25:59

veil to get 10% off your first

26:01

month. That's BetterHelpHELP.com.

26:12

Welcome to Night Vale is a production

26:14

of Night Vale Presents. It is written

26:16

by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor

26:19

and produced by Disparition. The

26:21

voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

26:23

Night Vale Music by Disparition. All

26:26

of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

26:31

This episode's weather was Rearview

26:34

by NotJupiter. Find

26:36

more at wearenotjupiter.bandcamp.com.

26:42

Comments, questions, email

26:44

us at info at welcometonightvale.com

26:48

or follow us on Twitter at Night

26:51

Vale Radio and Instagram at

26:53

Night Vale Official. We

26:55

now also have a TikTok at Night Vale

26:57

Official as well if you like short

26:59

videos by a fictional radio station run

27:02

by Symphony Sanders, voice of Tamika Flynn.

27:05

Also, check out welcometonightvale.com

27:07

where we have a twice-monthly mailing

27:10

list and info about our

27:12

merch store, which we are cleaning out with

27:14

big sales on items that won't be coming back, so

27:16

don't miss them. Today's proverb.

27:19

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

27:22

A grilled cheese is a dish best served

27:25

hot. Unless it's a revenge

27:27

grilled cheese, in which case, that

27:29

also should be cold.

27:39

I'm Jeffrey Cranor and my friend Cecil

27:42

Baldwin, well, he loves horror movies,

27:44

and he's helping make scary films more approachable

27:46

for me, one film at a time, in a random

27:48

order, and hopefully for you too.

27:51

If you love horror, you can watch along with us each

27:53

week, and if you're a bit squeamish, don't worry, we'll

27:55

tell you what happens. Our show is called

27:57

Random Number Generator Horror Podcast.

27:59

podcast number nine and it is available

28:02

where the podcasts are.