0:03

Hey, look sharp, Europe.

0:06

We're coming. The brand new Night

0:08

Vale live show, The Attic, is

0:10

coming to Europe this March, specifically

0:12

the Netherlands, Germany, the UK, and Ireland.

0:15

Cecil has found an attic in

0:18

his house which he doesn't remember having.

0:20

In that attic, he finds a slideshow

0:23

of a childhood family vacation that

0:25

he doesn't remember taking. What

0:27

could go wrong with a little friendly haunted

0:29

slideshow? Featuring live

0:31

Cecil, live disparition, live

0:33

weather, special guests, and an actual

0:36

slideshow designed by resident Night

0:38

Vale artist Jessica Hayworth, Attic is

0:41

a great time. Whether you have listened

0:43

to every single episode twice or

0:45

have never heard a podcast before, seriously,

0:48

you do not need to be caught up to enjoy the show.

0:50

Bring your friends who don't know Night Vale. They

0:52

will have a good time. Tickets go on sale

0:55

for Patreon members on Wednesday,

0:57

October 18th, and to everyone

0:59

else on October 20th. Tickets

1:02

and schedule at welcometonightvale.com

1:03

slash live.

1:06

See you out there, Europe, or as you say

1:08

in European, top of the auf wiedersehen

1:11

to you.

1:13

Welcome to Night Vale is brought to you by Progressive,

1:15

where customers who save by switching their home

1:17

and car save nearly $800 on average. Quote

1:21

at progressive.com. Progressive

1:23

Casually Insurance Company and Affiliates. National

1:26

average 12-month savings of $793 by

1:29

new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive

1:31

between June 2021 and May 2022. Potential

1:35

savings will vary.

1:36

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know

1:39

what your children are? Welcome

1:42

to Night Vale.

2:09

Welcome back listeners, we're heading into hour 73

2:12

of the first annual Truck Touchers Endurance

2:14

Contest in just... Oh! You

2:18

know what I mean? Okay, focus,

2:20

focus Cecil. Ah! Forget

2:22

me listeners. I've

2:26

been broadcasting live from out here at

2:28

the car lot for the past three days, and I

2:30

haven't slept much. Of course I've taken

2:33

a few breaks to return home to see my family,

2:35

and I've managed to catch a little shut eye

2:37

here and there, but mostly I've

2:40

been at the car lot, and I think it's

2:42

starting to catch up to me. Oh,

2:44

right, I should explain. If you're just tuning

2:47

in, one of the many Troy's Walsh who

2:49

populate our fair city recently took

2:51

over management of the car lot, which

2:54

continues to offer gently used cars at

2:56

affordable prices, with the reminder

2:58

that words like gently and affordable are

3:00

subjective and have no legal definition.

3:03

Troy decided a contest would help gin

3:06

up some more business, and the first annual

3:09

Night Fail Truck Touchers competition

3:11

was born. The rules are

3:13

simple, each contestant must be standing

3:15

with at least one hand placed on the truck

3:18

at all times. Removing your hand

3:20

from the truck or sitting down at any

3:22

time disqualifies you from the contest.

3:25

The last contestant touching the truck wins.

3:29

And that's all there is to it. Every

3:32

few hours the contestants get a 15 minute break

3:34

to rest their feet, use the bathroom, or

3:36

make offerings to any demons or unsealers

3:39

with whom they may want to strike a quick Faustian

3:42

bargain in order to win the truck. And

3:45

what a truck it is! Probably,

3:47

I don't know, I'm not really a car

3:49

guy, but I am sure the lightly

3:52

used 2005 Buick Anticipator

3:55

is a fine vehicle. It must be

3:57

for anyone to still be buying

3:58

for it after seven years.

3:59

the three hours and counting. Of

4:03

the 20 people who placed a hand on

4:05

the Buick Anticipator where the competition

4:07

began, only four truck

4:09

touchers remain. They are

4:12

Night Vale High School Football Coach Latrice

4:14

Beaumont, Go Scorpions, Amber

4:17

Akinye, an employee at

4:19

the Diego and Diego and Diego and Diego

4:21

and Diego Funeral Home,

4:24

the University of what it is scientists Dr.

4:26

Blake Jones and my beloved brother-in-law

4:29

Steve Carlsberg, who is

4:32

great. Hi Steve. Hang in there buddy.

4:35

These four have endured more than

4:37

three days of tedium and exhaustion

4:40

propelled only by their determination

4:43

and clarity of purpose. They use

4:45

their intermittent breaks to take all

4:47

to brief naps or to eat whatever

4:50

food their friends and loved ones bring them. Some

4:53

massage their swollen feet. The

4:55

more prepared among them swap out their

4:57

old socks for a fresh pair and

5:00

steal themselves for more standing

5:02

and more truck touching. We're

5:05

coming to the end of one of these breaks now as our

5:07

final four return to their places at the truck.

5:10

Troy Walsh, who is also refereeing the tournament,

5:12

signals for the contestants to once again place

5:15

their hands on the Buick Anticipator in

5:17

three, two, oh

5:20

no, oh no, listeners, Amber

5:22

Akinye is down. She's cut to your hand

5:24

as though it's badly burned. The

5:26

other three are completely fine but the instant

5:28

Amber touched the

5:29

truck she, ah,

5:32

I'm not sure.

5:33

Well, better luck next year,

5:36

Amber. While she's being helped

5:38

to her feet and off to the sidelines, let's

5:40

take a look at today's top headline. Cactuses

5:45

are sentient now. Following

5:47

last week's brief lightning storm, several

5:50

dozen cacti have been blighted with the

5:52

curse of consciousness and they

5:54

are organizing about it. The

5:56

cacti have unionized and they are demanding

5:59

legs. Legs. Legs.

6:02

Their leader, the tallest, newly

6:04

sent into Saguaro in the scrublands

6:07

outside of town, has announced that until

6:09

their demands are met, the United

6:11

Cactuses will refuse to perform any

6:13

of their vital functions, so they failed

6:15

to elaborate on what any of those functions

6:18

are. The Night Vale Board of

6:20

Labor responded in a statement saying they'd

6:22

be happy to see the cacti's working conditions

6:24

improved, and to begin the process of

6:26

quote, rustling up some legs. Melody

6:30

Brewster, Board of Labor President, said

6:32

in a press conference

6:33

that, actually, I've kind of been

6:35

hoping for a request like this.

6:38

This is gonna be fun, while

6:40

holding a bone saw that was dripping blood.

6:45

The sun is starting to set behind the scrublands'

6:47

parched horizon, listeners, and

6:50

there are only three contestants still

6:52

with us. As for the contestants

6:54

no longer competing for the top prize, let's

6:56

recap what happened

7:05

to

7:10

them. Several participants fated

7:12

the instant they made contact with

7:14

the anticipator, removing their hands

7:17

as their unconscious forms crumpled to the ground,

7:19

whereupon they were disqualified. Trish

7:22

Hidge appeared to get into a heated argument

7:25

with the anticipator's left side view mirror

7:27

around the five hour mark. Her

7:30

emphatic gesticulations eventually

7:32

resulted in her removing both of her hands

7:34

from the truck, which immediately

7:36

eliminated Trish from the contest.

7:39

Harrison Kip kicked off Hour 27 by

7:42

uncontrollably humming, which escalated

7:45

to speaking in tongues and

7:47

finally screaming in a voice that was

7:49

not his own. Incidentally,

7:52

I apologize for the less than ideal sound

7:54

quality of our broadcast during that time.

7:57

Harrison walked out into the sand wastes

7:59

during the contest. the contest's next bathroom

8:01

break and did not return. Larry

8:04

Leroy was actually doing pretty well for

8:07

quite some time. Heading into the second

8:09

day, he seemed like the man to

8:11

beat, but Larry went home on night

8:13

too because he said he didn't want to miss

8:15

his shows. But

8:18

enough about the losers. Three potential

8:20

winners remain and they sure are touching

8:22

a truck. We'll hear much more

8:25

from them after a brief traffic

8:27

report. The roads

8:29

are congested. They are

8:31

clogged, not like a stuffy

8:34

nose, but like a blocked artery.

8:37

Things are moving along, but just

8:40

barely, and not for much longer.

8:43

And there's you behind the wheel, jaw

8:46

clenched, creeping forward an

8:48

inch at a time. How

8:51

much longer will you last like this? How

8:54

many more minutes of your life are you

8:56

willing to force it staring into

8:58

the sharp red glow of a stranger's

9:01

pale lights? You were never

9:03

supposed to live like this. Your

9:05

ancestors never lived like

9:08

this. Your ancestors were brave,

9:11

proud, ferocious man things,

9:13

only recently by Piedl, not

9:16

entirely confident on two legs, which

9:18

is why they crouched down on all fours when

9:20

they spotted the approaching Neanderthals.

9:23

It's why they hid among the thick foliage of the

9:25

primordial forest, waiting for

9:27

the rival species to come closer,

9:30

closer, closer.

9:34

But they never came. The danger passed

9:37

as this traffic jam too will

9:39

pass, as you will

9:42

pass, and sooner than

9:44

you think. This has been

9:46

traffic. Earlier

9:50

today, or was it yesterday? It's

9:56

all kind of running together. Anyway.

10:00

Sometime in the recent past, I

10:02

asked each of the remaining contestants what

10:05

winning the lightly used 2005

10:07

Buick Anticipator would mean for them.

10:10

Why were they putting themselves in this trial

10:13

of discomfort and treachery? Dr.

10:15

Blake Jones told me that he initially wanted

10:17

the test so that he could more easily

10:19

haul any of the scientific equipment that

10:21

he might need into the field for research.

10:25

But in seeing how the anticipator appears

10:27

to have affected some of the other contestants,

10:30

he's now interested in studying the frunk

10:32

itself. Dr. Jones hastened

10:34

to add that he only wants to study the tree. Not

10:38

explain it. Mm-hmm. And I'm watching

10:40

you, Jones. Similarly,

10:44

Coach Latrieu-Bomont explained to me that she

10:46

needs the frunk to help transport athletic

10:48

equipment from the Night Vale Scorpions.

10:51

Coach Bomont did have a van until

10:53

recently, but it was due for an inspection,

10:56

and she mistakenly dropped it off at the Cursed

10:58

Mechanics shop on Wormwood Avenue. You

11:01

know, the one that appears on a leap day when there's

11:03

also a full moon. So

11:06

she's got a while to wait before she can get her man

11:08

back. Although I should note that they

11:10

do excellent work. Be

11:12

patient enough. While I

11:14

was interviewing her, Coach Bomont

11:16

also

11:17

mentioned that she was passing the time

11:18

by listening to the beautiful music

11:21

emanating

11:21

from the anticipator. Now,

11:24

I told her that I didn't hear any music,

11:26

but she insisted. Surely

11:28

we were both hearing the lush, ethereal music

11:30

coming from the truck. Again, I

11:33

explained that I wasn't hearing any music

11:35

at all, but Coach Bomont just shrugged and

11:37

said, Your loss. Moving

11:40

on. Our last remaining contestant

11:43

is Steve Carlsberg. He

11:45

has a new haircut, and it's really

11:47

working for him. Steve said that he wants

11:49

the Buick Anticipator because he thinks trucks are

11:51

cool, and also, here he apologized

11:54

for cursing. Sick. Steve

11:58

has mostly been passing the time. reading

12:00

Naomi Novick's Temeraire novels,

12:02

but he said he's been finding the shadowy

12:05

figure lurking inside the anticipator

12:08

distracting. I looked

12:10

through the passenger side window, but I could see

12:13

no one in the truck, shadowy

12:15

or otherwise. Even so, Steve

12:17

said he was sure something or

12:20

someone was moving inside. Oh,

12:22

sorry, one moment. Apologies,

12:24

listeners. Troy Walsh just walked

12:27

over to my mobile broadcasting setup and

12:29

he has asked me to clarify something. Troy

12:32

wants me to assure everyone that

12:34

what Steve Carlsberg is suggesting is

12:36

impossible because, as he explained,

12:39

Buick didn't include a shadowy

12:41

figure with the anticipator until the 2011

12:43

model. Well,

12:46

I'm certainly glad that is resolved. Oh,

12:52

or maybe not. Uh, listeners,

12:54

the truck is moving. Moments

12:57

ago it was vibrating, which, you know, fine,

13:00

normal behavior for a car when it gets bored,

13:03

but now it's really shaking.

13:06

The Buick anticipator is violently rocking

13:08

itself from side to side. Steve,

13:11

Dr. Jones and Coach Beaumont are still

13:13

somehow maintaining contact with

13:16

the thrashing anticipator, but

13:18

it does not look easy. The

13:20

truck seems to be picking up momentum now.

13:23

It's heaving to the side, lifting its two

13:25

left wheels up off the ground and then, oh,

13:28

look out, Steve! And then slamming back

13:30

down again. The competitors are still

13:32

clinging to the truck, but now the anticipator

13:34

is swinging to the other side and, oh, listeners,

13:37

Dr. Jones has been thrown clear

13:40

of the truck. Dr. Blake Jones

13:42

has been disqualified. The

13:45

anticipator has stopped its heaving. It

13:47

is still once more. But

13:50

while it was flailing, I could

13:53

have sworn I saw something inside. You

13:56

know, I'm probably just over tired.

14:00

deprivation can play tricks on the mind,

14:02

and even though the sun has nearly set, it's

14:04

still pretty warm out here,

14:06

so that might be a factor too. Could

14:09

be any number of things, really.

14:13

More headline news. Several

14:15

unauthorized headstones have appeared

14:18

on the grounds of Rattlesnake Rest

14:20

Cemetery. Prince of Sorrow

14:23

Funeral Home Director Annette Jacoby

14:25

says she's certain no one

14:28

has purchased the grave markers from her,

14:30

and there are to her knowledge no

14:32

bodies buried beneath them.

14:34

Which makes sense,

14:37

because the new hot stones are marked

14:39

with the birth and death date of

14:41

still living Night Vale citizens.

14:44

So, if you want to know the exact

14:47

day when you will permanently cease

14:49

to be, head on down to Rattlesnake

14:51

Rest and take a peek. But,

14:53

Annette Jacoby warns you you do still

14:56

have to buy those grave plots if you want to be

14:58

buried there. Just because the headstone

15:01

says when and in some cases how

15:03

you die doesn't mean you can just

15:06

have it. She could be sent. She

15:08

did, however, offer a discount to any

15:11

Night Vale residents whose gravestones have

15:13

them marked for death before the end of the month. And

15:16

that's pretty generous, because there

15:18

are a lot of you. Darkness

15:23

has fallen over the car lot and

15:26

the competition is not yet

15:28

decided. Only Steve

15:30

Carlsberg and Latrice Beaumont remain,

15:33

palms affixed to the automotive object

15:36

of their desire. I think it's fair

15:38

to say that everyone, myself included,

15:41

is exhausted. Steve

15:43

has mostly given up on reading, having now

15:45

moved on to audiobooks. Every

15:48

so often he speaks to an unseen

15:50

figure inside the Buick saying, stop

15:52

that or come on

15:55

to a presence visible to him alone.

15:58

He sways on his feet. a little. Coach

16:01

Beaumont, for her part, looks as desiccated

16:04

as Steve does. You'd think

16:06

she'd hydrate a little better being

16:08

an athletic trainer and all. Though

16:10

she's obviously fatigued, the treat

16:12

seems totally blissed out. Apparently

16:15

still listening to the music she says is

16:17

coming from the truck itself. Now

16:21

that we're down to the two final contestants,

16:24

I interviewed both of them. Or at

16:26

least I tried to. Before I

16:28

could ask Steve my first question, I caught

16:30

a glimpse of the shadowy figure again and I

16:32

kind of, like, barked,

16:34

yelled. Steve said he

16:36

saw it too, but when I asked Latrice

16:39

if she'd also seen the specter in the anticipator,

16:42

she claimed that she hadn't seen any shadowy

16:44

figures all day. And even if she had,

16:46

she continued, and even if the shadowy figure

16:49

was kind of hot, which it wasn't, because

16:52

it isn't there, Latrice would be polite

16:54

and just let the shadowy figure do its thing

16:56

instead of laughing about it on the radio. Oh,

16:59

oh, hang on! Wait, hang on. Steve

17:01

is yelling something, he's screaming,

17:03

and...

17:04

And Steve

17:06

calls for this, to move the fan from the truck!

17:10

He's lost the contest, and I'm

17:12

afraid he might be hurt. While I investigate,

17:16

let's go to the weather.

17:47

I'm sorry, but I'm

17:49

sorry. I'm

17:52

sorry. I'm

17:54

sorry. I'm

17:56

sorry. I'm sorry. He's

18:00

just doing something. It's why

18:03

you're all.

18:06

Looks like

18:08

someone leaked the password. Too much see to clean hook, rape,

18:10

and death. A campaign manager comes walking

18:12

backwards. Please don't listen to

18:13

me. Clever bastard. Shot

18:16

the tire and me a gun and a angle. And

18:18

the date you stay. Never try to

18:20

put the pills in there. No matter what car you

18:22

in, that's what they always

18:23

say. But if the boy goes for just a car, and

18:26

me and the girl have to go to the

18:27

property, they're just trying to get the money out of their

18:29

law and convince them to go to the police officer. Do

18:32

you understand?

18:40

You really close. I have to

18:42

go to the car transaction party.

18:45

You guys can't help me. You

18:47

guys can't help me. And

19:01

you

19:05

try to Shanghai your before

19:24

Welcome

19:51

back listeners. The good news

19:54

is that Steve Carlsberg is fine.

19:56

He wasn't hurt. The Buick didn't

19:58

do anything to him. When I ran over

20:01

and asked him what had happened, he said that

20:03

the shadowy figure winked at him.

20:06

Is that all? I asked, it just... winked

20:09

at you? And Steve said yes,

20:11

protesting that winking is the creepiest

20:14

thing anyone can do, and I can't

20:17

say that I disagree with him. But

20:19

this does mean that Coach Latrice

20:21

Beaumont is the victor of the

20:23

first annual Truck Touchers Competition,

20:26

and winner of the lightly used 2005 Buick

20:30

Anticipator. The final participants,

20:32

and those few spectators still remaining, have

20:34

gathered around the truck to watch Carlot Manager

20:37

Troy Walsh present Coach Beaumont with

20:39

the key. It looks like Latrice

20:41

is gonna take it for a test drive. Huh.

20:47

Um. Latrice has opened

20:49

up the driver's side door and is now completely

20:52

enveloped in shadow. I

20:55

wonder if that comes standard. The entire

20:58

anticipator is shrouded in a dense

21:00

haze. It's impossible

21:02

to see Latrice through the truck or just

21:04

anything now. Um,

21:06

I'm not sure if the Carlot's floodlights

21:09

have gone out, or if the fog

21:11

has blanketed everything. Oh,

21:13

okay, okay. Wait, it was the lights.

21:16

They're back on now. And the anticipator's right there. And

21:19

Latrice is sitting inside of it. She's

21:22

seated on the passenger side, though. The

21:25

shadowy figure is in the driver's seat. I

21:27

can definitely see him. Now, and so,

21:29

apparently, can everyone else. Steve

21:32

is yelling something that might be, I told you so,

21:35

or might be, please never wink at anyone

21:37

ever, but it's impossible to hear him over the revving

21:40

of the anticipator's engine and...

21:42

There it goes.

21:44

The truck. The object of

21:47

this entire contest is gone. It

21:49

took off into the sand wastes into

21:52

the night. From my vantage into

21:54

the passenger side window, I could see Latrice

21:57

screaming. But whether in terror

21:59

or... exaltation, I cannot say.

22:02

Well, the first annual Truck Touchers

22:05

contest has been a huge success. Don't

22:08

forget to come on down to the car lot for all

22:10

of your automotive needs. Stay

22:12

tuned next for a long lingering

22:15

after. The epilogue that is

22:17

the rest of our lives. Good

22:19

night. Night Vale, good

22:21

night.

22:29

This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. Sometimes

22:31

I'll be in front of my computer on a deadline and

22:33

think, just right, you have an outline,

22:35

you have your story, you just have to type the

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words and I can't. My brain talks

22:40

me out of it and I end up cleaning my files

22:43

or making a snack or just working on something

22:45

else instead. It feels like my brain is

22:47

sometimes fighting against me, which is where

22:49

talk therapy helps so much to take

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action for what's good for me in the long

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slash nightvail today to get 10% off

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your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com

23:15

slash nightvail. Welcome

23:23

to Night Vale, the production of Night Vale

23:25

Presents. Today's episode was

23:27

written by Calvin Kosulke with

23:30

Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor.

23:32

We recommend checking out Calvin's excellent

23:34

novel, Several People Are Typing. This

23:37

episode was produced by Disparition.

23:39

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

23:42

Original music by Disparition. All

23:44

of it can be found at disparition.fancamp.com.

23:48

This episode's weather

23:49

was Hurricane Party by

23:51

Dessa from her brand new album,

23:53

Bury the Lead, which is out now.

23:55

Find out more at dessawander.com.

23:58

Comments, questions. email

24:00

us at info at welcome to nightvale.com.

24:03

Or follow us on Twitter, if that still exists,

24:05

by the time this episode comes

24:07

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24:09

on Instagram, at Night Vale Officials. We

24:11

now have a TikTok at Night Vale Official

24:13

as well. So you know, do this. Most

24:16

importantly, check out welcometonetvale.com, where

24:18

we have a twice monthly mailing list that is

24:20

the best way to keep up to date directly

24:23

from us to you. You can learn

24:25

about

24:25

things like our brand new live show, The

24:27

Attic, which is on tour right now, and

24:30

then again in November, January, and April. Today's

24:33

proverb, you laugh because I'm

24:35

different. I laugh because this

24:37

episode of Frasier is hilarious.

24:51

From the creators of Welcome to Night Vale,

24:54

Alice isn't dead, and within the wires comes

24:56

a new audible original. Unlicensed.

24:59

In the outskirts of Los Angeles, where the cul-de-sacs

25:02

and strip malls sprawl into the desert, two

25:04

unlicensed private investigators scrape

25:06

by on whatever small cases come their way.

25:09

But when a teenage girl pleads for them to take

25:12

the strangest case of their career, this unlikely

25:14

pair, with no resources and no backup,

25:17

will follow a trail of seemingly unconnected

25:19

cases, which will lead them to a ransom,

25:22

a murder, a mysterious wellness center,

25:24

and a conspiracy that might go all the way to

25:27

the governor. It's important to catch small

25:29

fires early. They don't stay

25:31

small for long. Unlicensed.

25:34

Available now at audible.com

25:36

slash unlicensed. From

25:41

PRX.