0:03

Have

0:03

you ever needed a vacation from a

0:05

vacation? Have you ever

0:08

even taken a vacation to need

0:37

It's odd that I'm doing this, isn't it? When

0:39

I really know so little about you, I

0:41

know some things, of course. I didn't

0:43

embark on this without doing any research

0:45

at all. I know about your job,

0:48

I know about a few of your friends, I

0:50

know really a little bit about how you spend

0:52

your day to day life, but

0:55

holidays aren't part of your day to day life,

0:57

really. They're an occasional thing. a

0:59

break from the routine.

1:01

So I don't know how many you've taken.

1:04

I

1:04

don't know where you've been or how long

1:06

for.

1:08

Maybe I shouldn't know all of this. Maybe

1:11

I shouldn't know anything about you.

1:13

There's a limit to how much anyone can

1:16

know about another person course.

1:19

And then there's an appropriate amount

1:21

to know of someone based on your relationship

1:23

to them. Maybe

1:25

I know too much about you, but

1:27

it feels like I don't know nearly

1:30

enough. In another world,

1:32

in another version of the world, you

1:35

would be my daughter, not

1:37

genetically, of course, but

1:39

why should genes be so important? I

1:42

have never approached you in public. I

1:45

would never approach you in public. I would never

1:47

put you in danger. I

1:48

just wanna know you.

1:50

the person you became after you were born?

1:53

I

1:53

know who you were

1:54

before you were born. Oh,

1:57

this is weird. I'm being weird. Shouldn't

1:59

have brought it up. I'm

2:01

not too old to feel shame, but I am

2:03

too old to care enough to start this tape over,

2:05

so we'll both just have to live with it.

2:08

Let's start over. Where

2:11

was I? Okay. Oh, yes. Okay. Have

2:14

you ever needed a vacation from a vacation? then

2:17

I pointed out that I didn't know if you'd ever

2:19

left Amarillo or wherever

2:22

you lived before, you lived in Amarillo.

2:24

Maybe you hadn't.

2:26

So it's possible that you don't know how exhausting

2:28

it can be. But until now, you

2:30

didn't know that vacations are

2:32

tiring. You know

2:34

your time is limited, so you try to make

2:36

the most of it. You focus all your energy

2:38

on relaxation and in a way

2:41

it becomes a job. Plus

2:43

vacations are rare compared to the

2:45

daily grind of work or socializing

2:47

or taking care of a home. So

2:50

even if all you do is drink dacaries

2:52

on a beach all day every day,

2:54

it's a different

2:55

experience. And that's a kind of

2:57

stress.

2:58

Just being out of your routine is too

3:00

much sometimes, so you have

3:02

to do something else. You need to go back

3:04

to

3:04

where you are comfortable.

3:07

It's always the penultimate day of vacation

3:09

when you think to yourself. I

3:11

wish my flight home was today.

3:14

Your body starts to reject all the laying

3:16

in the sun. It gets exhausted from

3:18

all the rest and it just wants to get back

3:20

to a desk to a computer,

3:23

to a meeting even. Well,

3:26

that's how Rose and I were in Adelaide.

3:29

We were there for a couple of months. It

3:31

was supposed to be refreshing, energizing,

3:34

and relaxing. Our

3:36

first triple way together in more than a

3:38

Arusha

3:39

didn't have to work. There was no research.

3:41

No deadlines. There

3:43

was a dream life on a sunny beach

3:45

every fucking day.

3:48

for two months.

3:51

That was our mistake.

3:53

We stayed too long.

3:55

I started to miss our home, my little

3:58

stationary shop, rose

4:00

started to miss traveling with a purpose,

4:02

exploring in the service of something greater.

4:05

The something greater was just writing travel

4:07

guides and local profiles, but it was still

4:09

a purpose. She

4:12

was writing while we were an Adelaide a

4:14

lot. poems, short

4:16

stories, in a little journals.

4:19

She wasn't writing anything she wanted to publish.

4:21

She just needed to write. Sometimes

4:24

she'd read me what she wrote and it

4:26

was I believe her

4:28

best work because it wasn't

4:30

conforming to any editors or

4:32

published idea of what was good.

4:35

It

4:35

was just it

4:37

was just rose. She

4:40

wrote this impeccable sonnet

4:42

about seaweed, not

4:44

an ode, just a description

4:47

of how it feels. smells, tastes,

4:50

and and

4:50

I don't know. It it moved

4:52

me so much. Something

4:55

so mundane, so common, so

4:57

boring. and rose

4:59

finds these words and

5:01

and rhythms that

5:03

feel more

5:06

true than

5:06

anything. The

5:08

sky is blue? Oh,

5:10

sure. Of course, that's true, but

5:13

not as true as this.

5:16

I included the poem in the box

5:18

along with a couple more photos of Rose and

5:20

Me at Kilimanjaro. I

5:23

hope you find the poem as touching as I

5:25

did, the lying about

5:28

beneath my feet, the feel

5:30

of

5:30

Eel's debris.

5:32

still leaves my lips on occasion.

5:35

A real earworm that's on it.

5:38

So

5:38

enjoy that. Rose

5:41

wasn't writing for publication. She

5:43

was writing just to write. She

5:45

was also writing to entertain me,

5:47

but she missed writing for a job.

5:50

I

5:50

told her she could publish her poetry,

5:52

maybe write a novel, something

5:54

artistic, something profound.

5:56

She was very good at it.

6:00

But that's not what she wanted. She

6:02

didn't miss having readers, an audience.

6:05

She missed the job, the hustle

6:07

of it. She

6:08

missed the pitch meetings. She missed the

6:11

research.

6:11

She missed the notes and the questions and

6:13

the rejections and the complaints.

6:16

she missed her travels.

6:19

And I missed them too. The

6:21

Adelaide vacation was wonderful

6:23

to a point. So

6:26

she gave up on her sabbatical. She

6:28

reached out to one of her regular editors

6:30

and they wanted something about Africa. Rose

6:33

pitched an essay style account

6:35

of hiking Kilimanjaro,

6:36

sold.

6:40

travel was massive in the

6:42

eighties. I mean, it is today

6:44

too. The society has always promoted

6:47

travel as a means of preventing the now nationalistic

6:49

fervor that led to the reckoning. The

6:52

more

6:52

you know of the wider world, the more

6:54

you learn to appreciate

6:55

its variety. Your

6:58

home is special, but no more special

7:00

than everyone else's. But

7:02

in the eighties, there was a real craze

7:05

Maybe that's just how long it took for the world to

7:07

feel safe again. And when it did,

7:10

everyone

7:10

wanted to experience it.

7:13

or

7:13

maybe the rebuild had reached a point where

7:15

there was more to see than the remnants

7:17

of battle, whatever

7:18

the reason. Everyone

7:20

wanted to move around,

7:22

change their scenery, even

7:24

maybe change their residents, really

7:27

shrink the world, Why

7:29

track down two hundred pounds of encyclopedia volumes

7:31

when you could just hop on a ship to

7:33

Rabat or a plane to Tokyo?

7:37

We were this whole generation of

7:39

thirty somethings, born without families

7:41

and raised by a new society encouraging

7:44

global movement.

7:45

and we needed extravagant places

7:48

to visit.

7:49

So Rose's work was in demand.

7:52

People needed someone to in aspire

7:54

them to help them look

7:56

out at the world and decide what parts

7:58

they most wanted to experience.

8:01

Our generation was starving for

8:03

new adventures, and

8:05

Kilimanjaro would be

8:07

a huge adventure. So

8:11

a couple of months after we got home from Adelaide,

8:13

we went to Mumbai by plane and

8:15

then by ship. Then

8:18

we took a cargo to Russia where we

8:20

stayed for four weeks. We

8:22

took ten days in the middle to go

8:24

to Kilimanjaro. Rose

8:27

interviewed guides and tourists.

8:29

She talked to the local shops and

8:31

restaurants. She bought some beautiful

8:33

woven blankets and took photos.

8:36

We also hired a guide to walk with us

8:38

up the mountain and back. I'm

8:41

gonna be honest, Anita, and tell you that I don't

8:43

remember the mountain that well. From the

8:45

photos, you can see how memorable the trip

8:47

should have been, but it

8:48

wasn't. To me it wasn't.

8:52

Looking at the photo of rose and the puffy

8:55

ochre coat and the sunset

8:57

behind

8:57

her, I remember

8:59

that. I remember it when I looked

9:01

at the photo. but it

9:03

was like the image had been locked

9:05

away and the picture was the

9:07

key to release it again into

9:09

my consciousness.

9:12

The hike is long and physically taxing,

9:15

though. You really have to

9:17

focus on your breathing and your steps.

9:20

It's easy to slide comfortably into

9:22

false confidence because it doesn't feel

9:24

as steep as you think it's going to

9:26

be. but

9:28

sometimes I'd suddenly get

9:30

dizzy, even a little queasy. And

9:32

Rose would hold me upright and remind

9:34

me to breathe and then I'll breathe.

9:37

in and

9:39

out.

9:40

We would breathe together

9:44

slowly fully.

9:47

I

9:47

do remember a moment

9:50

when Rose had her palm pressed

9:52

against my chest. her

9:55

eyes closed and we were

9:57

breathing. I could

9:59

see the Savannah

9:59

below the thick trunk of

10:02

Bob, the the worn down paths

10:03

of tourist safari jeeps, and

10:06

the endless sea of sky

10:08

above. I don't

10:11

actually remember that photo of

10:13

us from the peak, but

10:15

I remember breathing together. It's

10:18

rare, Anita.

10:20

Rare to find

10:23

someone you can breathe with.

10:26

someone who feels almost like

10:29

an extension of you.

10:33

I don't know how I'm still alive

10:36

right now without

10:38

her.

10:45

How does a human body keep

10:47

functioning after half a heart? half

10:49

of brain, half of everything

10:52

is removed.

10:57

Well, I guess there's no accounting for

10:59

Spirit, whatever that is. I'm

11:02

still alive for time.

11:05

and

11:05

I wanna be in

11:07

spite

11:07

of my loss.

11:11

You

11:11

were lost too.

11:13

Hey,

11:14

it's Jeffrey Kramer. This holiday

11:16

season, I want to give a gift to my loved ones

11:18

that makes them feel special and

11:20

unique. just like the relationship we share.

11:22

That's why I'm giving everyone I care about

11:25

story worth. So every week, story

11:27

worth emails your relative or friend a

11:29

thought provoking question of your choice.

11:31

from a pool of possible options like,

11:33

what's the bravest thing you've ever done in your life?

11:35

Or if you could see into the future, what

11:37

would you want to find out? can also

11:39

customize your own like, what's the

11:41

tallest horse you've ever taken to a baseball

11:43

game? Or, I don't know, whatever fits your

11:45

situation. You know the best question

11:47

to ask. at the end of the year, they or

11:49

you you can do this for yourself too. They

11:51

get their stories bound in a beautiful

11:53

hardcover book. I know my family loves to

11:55

share stories with each other, and this is a great way

11:57

for us to record our feelings and experiences.

11:59

Through this kind of sharing in the past, I've

12:02

learned some really cool stories about my

12:04

Swiss immigrant great grandparents as

12:06

well as some juicy gossip about old

12:08

spots between cousins? Hey, you

12:10

need some sweet with your salty for a good

12:12

story. Right? With story worth, I am

12:14

giving those I love most a thoughtful

12:16

personal gift from the heart and preserving their

12:18

memories and stories for years to come. Go

12:20

to story worth dot com slash

12:22

Wires and save ten dollars on your first

12:25

purchase. That's story worth dot com

12:27

slash wires to save ten dollars on

12:29

your first purchase. Hey, it's

12:31

Jeffrey Krayner telling you to listen

12:33

to the new Audible Original

12:35

Night Presents unlicensed.

12:37

So unlicensed is a modern noir

12:39

detective story from the creators of Welcome to

12:41

Night Vale. Hey, that's me.

12:43

And Joseph Fink, We made a

12:45

new podcast together, something we have not

12:47

done since we launched Night Vale back

12:49

in twenty twelve. So

12:51

here's what unlicensed is

12:53

a out. In the outskirts of Los

12:55

Angeles where the cul de sacs and strip malls

12:57

sprawl into the desert, two

12:59

unlicensed private investigator scrape on

13:02

whatever small cases come their way. But

13:04

when a teenage girl pleads for them to take

13:06

the strangest case of their career,

13:08

this unlikely pair with no resources

13:10

and no backup will follow a trail

13:12

of seemingly unconnected cases,

13:14

which will lead them to a ransom,

13:16

a murder, a mysterious wellness

13:18

center a conspiracy that might go all the

13:20

way to the governor. I genuinely think this

13:22

is one of the best things either of us have

13:24

put together and there's some incredible

13:26

actors here. Some of whom will be very

13:28

familiar to Night Vale listeners. There's

13:30

a gorgeous score by desperation

13:33

and IMHO a

13:35

pretty amazing story. I cannot

13:37

wait for you to hear it. Visit audible

13:39

dot com slash unlicensed to

13:41

listen now. All twelve episodes are available right

13:43

away. And if you're not already an audible

13:45

subscriber, they offer a thirty day free

13:47

trial. Thirty days sounds like

13:49

plenty of time to listen to all twelve

13:51

episodes, but of course, I think you

13:53

might even wanna stick around anyway for

13:55

nearly limitless original podcasts and

13:57

audiobooks. That is audible

13:59

dot com. slash unlicensed.

14:02

Do it how you do it. audible dot

14:04

com slash unlicensed.

14:09

Rose would have loved to have

14:11

met you. Well, she'd

14:13

forgotten you, of course, after the protocols.

14:16

But maybe if she'd met you, maybe

14:18

even if she'd just seen you,

14:20

she would have remembered. but

14:23

I didn't know where you were until after

14:25

she died.

14:28

Kilimanjaro. Right.

14:30

Rose was there to write a story.

14:33

And I was there, well well,

14:35

I was there to be with Rose.

14:37

but I needed to carve out my own experience.

14:40

Something that wasn't hiking Kilimanjaro

14:42

for other people's edification. I

14:45

hyped Kilimanjaro for myself.

14:47

And in turn, those memories

14:49

weren't stored in my mind as

14:51

sweeping Savannah spreads or

14:53

detailed descriptions of the snow

14:55

beneath my feet. Kilimanjaro

14:58

was a journey. not a

15:00

narrative. It was

15:02

as ethereal as the

15:04

fog below the vast peak.

15:07

As long as

15:09

you're in a Anita, you might as

15:11

well go do the hike

15:12

for yourself.

15:13

I wish I could have found a copy of

15:16

the say Rose wrote about it, I would

15:18

have given it to you. She could have

15:20

sold you on the trip much better

15:22

than

15:22

I. So

15:24

I don't remember a kilimanjaro that

15:27

well, but I do remember Arusha.

15:29

It's still a huge

15:31

travel destination because of the safaris.

15:34

There are resorts and

15:35

restaurants and dance clubs and theaters

15:38

there too. As you can see, it's a

15:40

thriving city. Not Jakarta,

15:42

not Miami, but it was

15:44

special. Still is

15:46

from what I can tell.

15:51

So in the stack of photos I left for

15:53

you, look at the ones out at the

15:55

bottom. rose is the smaller

15:57

of the two of us. Not that I'm so

15:59

tall, but rose

15:59

was tiny. And at that

16:02

time, she wore glasses. Her

16:04

hair

16:04

was very short then. It pretty

16:06

popular style for people with straight

16:08

hair. What do you call that look?

16:11

Wait. Not a bob. Almost a

16:12

bowl cut. It's

16:14

cute. And a

16:15

little

16:17

well, I almost said dated,

16:19

but I just saw that movie

16:21

with Justin Brown last year.

16:23

What's it called the Budapest robbery? The

16:25

the the the the the the

16:28

boomerist heist? That's it.

16:30

And she had a similar hairstyle.

16:32

So I guess it's coming back into vogue.

16:35

Anyway, find the picture of us

16:37

in front of a large fireplace. She's

16:41

standing a little sideways with her arm

16:43

around my neck. Don't look at my

16:45

face in that picture. I didn't realize that the

16:47

camera timer was already going off. I thought I

16:49

had a couple more seconds. I wish

16:51

I had a better smile here

16:53

because rose looks so

16:55

radiant. so

16:57

happy. And I

16:59

look so, well,

17:02

dopey. But the point isn't

17:04

me. The point is rose. She's

17:07

glowing and proud, renewed.

17:09

We were so

17:11

thrilled

17:12

to be around people

17:14

again to be able to walk to shops

17:16

and museums, to go out to bars, to

17:18

go dancing. We were both

17:20

dating again. Each other, other

17:23

people, and it was it was different this time.

17:25

We were older, more comfortable with ourselves,

17:27

more at peace with our

17:30

relationship. We

17:32

didn't date together. Some

17:33

people are into that. No. It

17:34

wasn't our thing. If

17:36

it's your thing, that's good. Some people

17:38

like rugby, not for me. but

17:40

people who like it seem to enjoy it quite a bit and good

17:42

for them. So for a

17:45

couple

17:45

of weeks in Arusha, our vacation

17:48

from our vacation we

17:50

rejuvenated. All the sunshine

17:52

and ocean waves and lush

17:55

wildflowers couldn't account for East

17:57

Africa's tiny jewel of a city in

17:59

the middle of the prairie at the

18:01

foot of the mountain. And you

18:03

can see it in the photo. Rose's

18:05

face, not mine, that

18:07

we felt

18:07

young again. I mean, we

18:10

were young. This was what? Eighty

18:12

two, eighty three. We were in

18:13

our thirties, around thirty

18:16

five. the

18:17

kind of age that feels ancient when you're

18:19

twenty years old. I

18:22

suppose for Rose, it was

18:24

gaining back some vitality after the

18:26

pregnancy and birth. It

18:28

took it out of her at the end there.

18:31

I don't know Anita if you've ever been

18:33

around someone in the last few days

18:35

of pregnancy. but they tend to

18:37

be exhausted. Rose was

18:39

so Wires. I felt guilty about

18:41

having energy around her. She

18:43

was giving all her energy to you.

18:45

I wonder if

18:48

you have questions about your

18:51

father. I don't know who he is.

18:53

He wasn't important, not to

18:55

me. Rose told me his name

18:57

once, I think. I may

18:58

even have met him at some point,

19:01

maybe not. But he

19:02

would not have known about you, or

19:05

even if he did, he would have

19:07

not cared. fathers

19:09

are not asked to contribute to the repopulation

19:12

program beyond providing sperm,

19:14

either via a bank or accidentally.

19:17

The second way is more fun, of

19:19

course. Your father

19:21

at best would have seen you as nothing more

19:23

than a sign of his own virility.

19:25

he

19:25

had no responsibility to

19:28

you. I'm sure he

19:29

was a caring man,

19:32

but well, no. I'm not sure

19:34

of that. Why would I be sure of that?

19:36

Who who cares? Rose

19:38

loved you. I know she

19:40

loved you. I'm sure she

19:43

did. before she was made to forget.

19:47

And I loved you. I

19:50

never stopped.

19:51

It's like I said earlier

19:53

about importance. It sneaks up

19:56

on you. You

19:57

think it's just a little feeling

19:59

Of course,

20:00

we care about a baby we're helping

20:03

to bring into the world. That's

20:05

not interesting or

20:06

important. And when the

20:07

child is born, it's given over to

20:09

the childhood development center. And

20:12

you feel sad. Of course, you

20:15

feel sad. That's

20:16

normal. And normal

20:19

isn't important. No

20:21

need to bring it up.

20:24

If you were the one who went through the

20:27

pregnancy, you are given treatment.

20:29

Put through the h ten

20:30

protocol so you may forget your child.

20:33

so you will be spared the pain of missing them,

20:35

the trauma of separation.

20:38

But I didn't

20:40

have

20:40

any treatment. I wasn't

20:42

offered any. It

20:44

never even came up. So

20:49

you're sad. in the years pass and the sadness

20:51

doesn't leave you, and the love

20:53

continues to grow.

20:55

But it's not every day. moment

20:57

here, an afternoon there,

20:59

a day, a

21:02

week.

21:02

Before you know it, the immensity

21:04

and ubiquity of your feelings

21:06

is normal, and

21:08

normal

21:10

isn't important.

21:15

I'm

21:16

going to send you

21:18

to Venice, Anida. There's

21:21

a small inn at the

21:23

end of I

21:26

think that's how you said. I wrote

21:28

it down on a postcard inside this

21:30

box. Go there. I've

21:32

left you with manual, the in

21:35

keeper. how bad

21:37

luck

21:39

Within the wires

21:40

is written by Genina Mathiesen and

21:42

me, Jeffrey Kramer, with original

21:44

music by Mary Upworth,

21:46

Find more of Mary's music at mary epworth

21:49

dot com. This show was produced

21:51

by me and directed this season

21:53

by Janina voice of Elena

21:55

Jimenez is April Ortiz.

21:57

Support our Patreon and get exclusive episodes

21:59

and video chats with me and Janina

22:01

at patreon dot com slash within the

22:04

wires. Also, read our novels

22:06

set in the within the wires universe. It's

22:08

called you feel it just

22:10

below the ribs. It is available wherever

22:12

you get your books. Within the wires

22:14

as part of Night Presents listen

22:16

to other amazing shows at night

22:18

Vale presents dot com. Okay.

22:20

Our time is done. It's

22:23

you time now. Time

22:25

to take a trip. hit

22:27

your ride on a snowmobile to the

22:30

city of Johannesburg. Commonly

22:33

referred to by locals as the

22:35

sunshine state. and

22:37

go see their famous landmark, The Chamber

22:40

of Commerce. I'm

22:42

Jeffrey Krayner,

22:43

and my friend, Cecil Baldwin. Well,

22:46

hello, Luvs horror movies helping make scary films

22:48

more approachable for me. One film at a

22:50

time in a random order and

22:52

hopefully for you too. If

22:54

you love horror, you can watch along with us each weekend. If

22:56

you're a bit squeamish, don't worry. We'll tell you

22:58

what happens. Our show is called random

23:01

number generator horror podcast

23:03

number nine, and it

23:04

is available where the

23:07

podcasts

23:08

are.

23:12

From PRX,