Original spoken word poetry about facing fears and accept myself during gender transition.

As a transgender woman, I needed to prove to myself that I could face the world as me. There were lots of doubts and self reflection, and fear and anxiety filled every moment. When they day came to step out into the world, and prove to myself that I could do, I almost did not. I almost quit. And then, from nowhere, I heard a voice in my head and it was her.

FROZEN AT THE DOOR

Whilst getting ready this morning,

Thoughts are lost, distant, with warning.

I want to stop, break-down and cry,

Possibly worse, I think to try.

But I need to prove to myself,

That my head is not full of crap.

That I can step into the world,

Outside, and deal with all of that.

I get ready, ready as me.

Make-up on, a false guarantee.

Slip on heels, the moment draws near.

Joy leaves me, surrendered to fear.

Stood by the door, holding the latch.

Body froze, like waiting to hatch.

Freeze frame, an unseen exhibit.

I can’t do it, I admit it.

What will people really think?

What will people really do?

What will people really say?

Will I ever just be, okay?

I feel fear for my family,

I feel fear for my closest friends.

I feel to blame for everything,

That I live my life to defend.

I look deep into the mirror,

And the mirror looks back at me.

I am a fool, a foolish mess,

A joke, is all that I can see.

Fear and doubt, and critical self.

It’s just a door I tell myself.

My fingers numb, they will not move.

Just what am I trying to prove?

I look again, in the mirror.

The view makes me reconsider.

Who am I kidding? I'm a fool.

Hate the world, our world is cruel.

You don’t pass, they will laugh and say.

Demons in my head have their play.

“A middle-age man that's where you're at!”.

Demons say, "have you thought of that?".

I try to cry, but no tears come,

Hating myself, what have I done?

A foolish plan should be undone.

No love for me, for what begun.

And then, a hope, and then, a thought,

And then, a sound, and then, its caught.

What was that sound, what can I hear?

I swear I heard, “when?”, in my ear.

"Today is good, the day is here".

"Trust me", said the voice in my ear.

And then I knew, knew it was she.

“I'll take it from here”, trust in me.

She turned the latch, confidently.

And I felt her smile, she is free.

And I accept her, joyfully.

For I am her, and she, is me.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Frozen By The Door Photo by Maria Orlova from Pexels

Music Chords of Harmony by Aakash Gandhi