George: Oh weeds! Weeds! Dick’s kingdom for the killing of weeds! Down by LougFeg’s Lough Feg, it’s Floyd with some ‘Floyd’ and a Mauldy part too.

Floyd: Let's just say that we knew for sure that he was a sexual pervert...

Mauldy: Ah, he kept that quiet didn’t he?

Floyd: All that leather and spandex. It was over the top.

Mauldy: ‘Ere, are you on that social media?

Floyd: Nah, I don't want to follow anybody, I follow myself.

Mauldy: Yeah, they encourage self-importance and narcissism don’t they?

Floyd: They are trivial distractions and serve little purpose! Mnyeh, that’s it.

Mauldy: Fuckin’ right,

Floyd: You said it. You.

Mauldy: Once someone really analyses its so called popularity-

(Music slows down)

Floyd: Uh, batteries need replacing, and we ran out of shit.

Mauldy: Not to worry! Have some more! Take the edge off... Heheheh. Mauldy likes taking the edge off. Just gettin’ stoned.

Floyd: Woah, the talented Mr. Mauldy!

Mauldy: More where that came from.

Floyd: Yeah?

Mauldy: Get it into ya, look at ya… I want to see you fuckin’ stoned. I love seein’ people off their face, get a fuckin’ buzz out of it.

Floyd: Who are your family?

Mauldy: Fuckin’ stupid lad. Ah bite the fist. Huehuehuehuehue!

(Flamethrower bursts in distance).

Floyd: What was that? I think I’m tripping. Is there somebody on the other side of the lake?

Mauldy: Ah there is too! Ah look. It’s me daddy! You wanted to know who my family is, he’s skinny dipping in the lake. What’s he like?

(Flamethrower)

Floyd: The world is burning! Get down!

Mauldy: What’s goin’ on? Huehuehuehue huaargh.

Floyd: Mauldy?

Dick: Two Charlies in the bush! Recon update sir; heat, rain, smoke! Smell of diesel. VC is out there. It’s a hot zone. They’re in the foxhole! Air support won’t be long. Lay down that rolling thunder!

(Flamethrower blast)

Floyd: Mauldy? Mauldy? Ya fuckin’ eegit, you left me again haven’t you? It’s hot, ah flames. Shit! Shit! Water! Water! Water!

(Floyd jumps into the water)

Floyd: What is that? It’s shiny! Woah. It’s, it’s silver!!

(Gets out of the water)

Floyd: (coughs) ooh, oh head spins, woah. Dick!

Dick: (Shock) Kooks in the bush! Can’t run! Booby traps.

Floyd: What are yo u doing?

Dick: Hah? Hah? Wassit, Floyd? Floyd?

Floyd: Dude, relax!

Dick: Ah Floyd, I didn’t see you for the dweeb amongst the weeds. Ace and Bubbles are looking for you. They wait to intervention you.

Floyd: Wait, inter-what?

Dick: Well you’re like, off your head here I’d say, in the water and everything... No one in their right minds would swim in that sludge.

Floyd: Yes they do. There was another guy doing it on the other side. Mauldy’s father!

Dick: Floyd, Floyd, take it from experience, no one believes a stoner.

Floyd: What? Em, that wasn’t why I was, you were aiming a flamethrower at my head!

Dick: What’s that in your hand?

Floyd: Nothing.

Dick: Show it to me!

Floyd: No.

(Suddenly a man screaming from the bushes on fire)

Dick: It’s a dragon! Kill it!

Tash: Save me you imbeciles.

Floyd: He’s engulfed, put him out Dick!

Dick: Mr Tash? Sorry Norman! Ung! (Punch)

Tash: Ahhh!

(Flies into water, splash, sizzle)

Dick: Floyd! Go get an ambulance! 

Floyd: What the, uh, uh, my legs don’t work.

Dick: Do I have to do every fucking thing around here?? I have to work. All this Hogweed needs clearing. And the teaching! Here, I’m only normal. I can see how the Professor feels now. Hey, Floyd?! Where’s he gone, hey! Fuckface, come back and help me ya lyin’ bollix!

(Hogweed)

George: Meanwhence at UCLS Science block, Prefab 1, a bilious Professor begins his belch.

Keith: I don’t care if the- and I’m paraphrasing “last teacher had a breakdown and tried to cremate everybody!” As far-fetched as you make it sound- that’s what teachers do! They have breakdowns! I’M having a breakdown! And you had an assignment! Where is it? And why is the classroom half-empty and smelling like Mehfooz AlFajar’s lamb Bhindi? I turn my back for one minute and plankton, photosynthesises into morons!

(Phone rings)

Keith: Meeh, this cretin. You lot, open the book. Somewhere, learn! That’s what you’re here for isn’t it? Oh, hello Broadleaf. Checking in again? What’s that? (Laughs snidely) … Norman Tash? Again? Is he trying to kill himself? Heh oh, he’s so baaad at doing that. Why was he- What? A flamethrower? Dick? Oh Dawkins! The weeds! They were… No, this is all getting out of hand. Thank- yes thank you Broadleaf. When will you be back? We’re light on staff here… (Phone hangs up) Mr O’Hara? Broadleaf? Hello? … Right! (Gets up) Right! Class suspended! Go back to following your parents into becoming useless adults. (Door bang).

Dick: Professor Keith! Did you hear the news?

Keith: You are an idiot! I’m going to the hospital. It’s Norman, again!

Dick: I’m fine by the way.

Keith: Go be a fucking teacher, science, prefab 1, room full of degenerates, you’ll fit right in. No actually, do your fucking real job and burn all that shit! Provost Broadleaf wants it, well you shall have him get it!

(Hogweed)

George: Poor Professor Keith, he sounds sick. He’s not the only one as we return you now to LoughFeg State Hospital and a convalescing craayture.

Wubba: Sinead! Sineaaaad? Where the fwuck are ya?

Sinead: What do you want?

Wubba: Sinead, go to the shop and get me some jelly babies and then you can give me a blow job. Go on or I’ll tell your fwatha. (Cough cough)

Sinead: I’m not giving you a blow job! Oh my god!

Wubba: You’re mine. You pwomised!

Sinead: I didn’t promise that!

Wubba: I’ll tell!

Sinead: Okaaay, the deal is, one hand job. And that’s it!

Wubba: Fwair enough! You have to get some palm oil, loosen it up.

(Trolly commotion) (Curtain flashes open)

Doctor: Sorry Mr O’Toole, we have to move your bed over a bit.

Wubba: I’m getting a woom mate? Jesus, he looks like the elephant man!

Sinead: Should I go? I can go.

Wubba: You stay here!

Doctor: It’s fine. He’s bandaged up. Time is 3.42pm. Stabilised the body’s vital functions, patient assessed for shock and respiratory failure; all clear.

Wubba: Are you alright Boss? What happened to ya?

Doctor: Okedoke, eh, initial debriding of patient with antiseptic solution removed dead skin plus coagulated secretions from previous incident. Anti-anxiety medication delivered. Ok, superb, I think nurse all we need is a little light sedation, what do you think? Yeah? Right-o, I’ll leave that with you then sweetheart. Ok, back in a while…

(Curtain closed)

Sinead: This is so uncomfortable.

Wubba: Hello? Don’t say much do ya? Did you lose your tongue in whatever happened?

Tash: Shut up you fat-lipped miscreant.

Sinead: Oh, Mr Tash?!

Wubba: Is that you? You’ve bwoke yourself up again? First time; on the school twip to the woods, now twice in a week?

Tash: Shut up shut up Settal dowan! Leave me alone. You, Sinead, seeing as you are the only one mobile; pull over the dividing curtain till I get some privacy.

Sinead: Of course Mr. Tash yes.

(Pulls curtain)

Sinead: I should go.

Wubba: You will not, he won’t hear a thing. I hear you bite your fist anyway…

Sinead: What the fuck are you saying?

Wubba: Here, what you waiting for Sinead? Here’s the oil. Get the hand in…

(Hogweed)

George: Mmm, sordid muck! Let’s change the subject. Did you know that LoughFeg has a bowling alley? Rack em’ lads…

UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast.

Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe.

Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears.

Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.