(Elevator ding) Keith: Yes, yes, I know where I’m going, I know every fucking corridor in this place.

(Curtain flashes open)

Keith: Ohmigod Norman! I just wanted to apologise for… Norman? Are you awake? I think this might be my fault. I had the boys on detention on Saturdays for the last two months planting ‘Hogweed’. It can grow up to 14 feet tall! And for a toxic plant, Hogweed is surprisingly pretty. I last autumn planted my ‘Devil’s Trumpet’ seeds into the lough perimeter too! But- it was because- HEY! HEY! I can see you through the curtain! What are you looking at?

Wubba: Wha? Uh…

(Curtain flashes open)

Keith: Oh it’s you! You’re still here. If you have damaged any one of my comics, I swear I will garrotte you with a cheese cutter. What? What are you staring at?

Wubba: Don’t you stop.

Keith: Don’t stop what? Staring? Are we having a staring competition now, here?

Norman: Chisel, is that you?

Keith: Yes, yes it is Norman. Hold on a moment. Wubba? Why is your bedsheet moving? Oh Portnoy’s complaint no! But both of your hands are in plain sight! What the-

Wubba: Uuurnggfff. Fuuuucchhh.. Aw it’s thebest day in my life.

Norman: Keith?

Keith: Shut up Norman, busy here. Why are you crying Wubba?

Wubba: I’m so fwukin’ happy. Waahahaha!

Keith: You are a teenage-grade moron.

Wubba: Aw, it feels so good. The semen is still drippin’ out the top of it.

(Curtain flashes open)

Floyd: Hey.

Keith: What in Dawkin’s name are you-?

Floyd: I came to apologise.

(Curtain flashes open)

Mauldy: Me too.

Keith: Who are you?

(Curtain again)

Ace: What are you doing here, I thought you pissed off to do another deal?

Mauldy: Shut your mouth.

Floyd: Oh, you’re back?

Keith: Ace? Brian? What is this; an exorcism?

Floyd: Mr Tash, Norman, eh, I’m sorry. I took your medal. Woah, you look, where is your face? Anyway, I wanted to tell you. I took it… Sorry,

Norman: (Starts to cry)

Floyd: Stop, I didn’t mean-

Keith: Why is everybody crying, has a famous rock star died inevitably young?

Norman: Oh Floyd, you are not a bad boy, and you do not have to apologise to me.

Floyd: No way man, I stole your medal,

Norman: It is I who has to apologise to you.

Floyd: It was in the lake, I uh found myself under the water and I saw it, and I took it.

Keith: ‘Found myself under water?’

Floyd: Long story.

Tash: I know… I threw it there. I couldn’t accept such an award.

Floyd: But you saved me.

Ace: But you were stealing from the school with this idiot.

Keith: Stealing?!

Mauldy: I’m not the idiot here.

Tash: My god, why did you come here?! I told you not too!

Keith: You know this recidivist?

Mauldy: So, that was the medal you got for me burning down the school?

(Collective shock)

Ace: Holy Neelix and the Traitor!

Floyd: Woah! Bad chong man!

Bubbles: Fucksake fucksake!

Keith: Richard Dawkins!

Tash: Settal down you imbecile!

Mauldy: The medal and the large amount of insurance money you planned to make from it. 10% still for me yeah? Huwaaa Huwaaa!

Ace: I didn’t see that one coming.

Floyd: You mean you tried to burn me alive in the school? For money?

Mauldy: I would’ve got you out if he hadn’t, ask him!

Keith: Norman? Is this true?

Tash: That’s why I through the medal away. I couldn’t live with it. But as you can readily see, I got my just rewards for my actions.

(Curtain flashes open)

Wubba: Youse lads are a bunch of sick fukkas, hospitals the right place for you. Hawahawha!

Bubbles: What are you smiling at wet face?

Wubba: Wouldn’t you like to know.

Bubbles: Where’s Sinead?

Wubba: None of your business.

Keith: It is MY business however! But, hold on everyone- I hadn’t finished. Norman, is this fact? You arranged a fire?

Mauldy: You’re born of a jackal you know that?

Floyd: You’ve, you’ve a head like a sock full of cum.

Keith: I’m unsure of your all of your breeding.

Bubbles: Well he’s half alien anyway.

Tash: Go home!

Mauldy: Shove it.

(Curtain flashes open)

Doctor: Now, Wubba is it? Good news! We have a tox screen of your stomach back from the lab! My my, hello everyone! Popular aren’t you Mr Wubba? But really, there should only be a maximum of three visitors per patient and there are six of you here now so…

Keith: Sorry, your Doctor’s qualification obviously doesn’t cover numerical dexterity. There’re only five of us here!

Doctor: No, no, there’re six of you.

Keith: No, no, count with me for a moment; me 1, hairy idiot 2, new found son 3, Accursis 4 and him 5.

Bubbles: I have a name.

Keith: And Norman is hardly visiting. He’s a mummified immobile! Look one hand; five, see? How did you become a Doctor?

Doctor: That’s not right. There’s five of you standing and a young lady kneeling under my patients bed with her hand under the sheet.

Keith: What?

Bubbles: Oh, oh please no.

Wubba: Heheheheheh, this one’s for you Brian… (Lifts sheet up)

Keith: SINEAD!!

Sinead: Dad I’m sorry, I had to!

Keith: No, no, no, no…

Accursis: Oh shit.

Floyd:  Dude, that’s, that’s your Candy girl Bubbles,

Ace: Oh shit.

Floyd: Right?

Sinead: No. No. NO! I’m sorry!

Mauldy: You’re truly the invisible man now Norman dear daddy.

Keith: You are not my daughter.

Doctor: So we agree on six then yeah? Fantastic! Ok-

Keith: As for you lippadrome, I’m will exterminate you.

Doctor: Eh, stand back please, this patient is in my care, keep your threats for when he is discharged ok?

Wubba: Wha?

Doctor: Now, Wubba, if I can call you that odd name… we’ve just discovered young man that you ingested 29 grams of a highly toxic mix of Heracleum Mantegazzianum and Datura Stramonium seeds. Enough to bring down a bull elephant… They are more commonly known as ‘Giant Hogweed’ and ‘Devil’s Trumpet’ ‘Devil’s Weed’ or if you like ‘Hell’s Bells’...

Sinead: Daddy, don’t look at me like that… wait, Excuse me? Devil’s Trumpet seeds?

Floyd: I like ‘Devil’s Weed’ better.

Wubba: Really? (Smiles) How’d I get them into me now I wonder?

Keith: (Laughs to himself) You bulbous labia-‘d baaaastard.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Tash: Hell’s bells.

Doctor: The plant is often fatal when ingested by humans and animals. It produces a complete inability to differentiate reality from fantasy. And as I look around me, maybe I ate them at dinner meself. Wubba, you’re lucky you have a throat!

Mauldy: What’s goin’ on? Huehuehue!

Sinead: But I only gave you a coffee!

Wubba: Obviously wasn’t coffee though was it?

Keith: Ngggn I’ll give you a cleft palette you bastard!

Sinead: There was no coffee on the counter, you said there was none, but then, in the cupboard, in the jar of Nescaf; DAD?

Keith: Darling, I can explain…

UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast.

Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe.

Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears

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