0:00

Time for a quick break to talk about some delicious

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breakfast options at McDonald's, like a steak

0:04

egg and cheese bagel, or you can get steak

0:06

on a McMuffin or biscuit or any other

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of your favorite breakfast sandwiches. And for

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even more deliciousness, pair it with a caramel

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macchiato or one of our other Mcafe beverages

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to make sure your day gets off to a great

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start. At participating McDonald's, single

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item at regular price.

0:23

Hey, it's LeVar. We're getting

0:25

more new episodes ready for you

0:27

later this month. And to help

0:29

us celebrate the new year, we're

0:31

releasing new three d immersive

0:34

remix of some of my favorite episodes

0:36

about new beginnings. I

0:39

sincerely hope you enjoy. Hi.

0:46

I'm LeVar Burton, and this is

0:48

Lavar Burton REIT. In

0:52

every episode, I handpicked a different

0:54

piece of short fiction and I

0:57

read it to The only thing

0:59

these stories have in common is that

1:01

I love them, and I

1:03

hope you will too. I

1:07

am excited to read another

1:09

classic author, none other

1:12

than mister Vonnegut.

1:15

In his career, spanning over

1:18

fifty years, Kurt Vonnegut wrote short

1:20

fiction, plays, essays,

1:22

and novels including slaughterhouse

1:25

five and Katz Cradle. He

1:27

was an icon of American

1:29

counterculture. Today's

1:32

story is from his collection entitled Welcome

1:34

to The Monkey House. The

1:36

Foster Portfolio is

1:38

one of the first things he ever

1:41

published. He was fairly young

1:43

when he wrote this story in his late twenties,

1:45

but he had already lived quite a

1:48

bit of life. He had served in the

1:50

army during the Second World

1:51

War, and he'd also been a Nazi

1:53

prisoner

1:54

during that war. And he later used

1:56

those experiences to write slaughterhouse five.

2:00

Now, this story isn't one of his famous

2:02

works of science fiction and it isn't

2:04

one of his satires either. And

2:07

maybe that's why I chose it. This

2:09

is a little mystery

2:12

about a quiet unassuming

2:14

man named Herbert Foster.

2:18

I

2:18

hope you enjoy it. I

2:21

did. Now,

2:23

if you're ready, let's take

2:26

that deep breath. And

2:39

let's begin. The

2:42

Foster portfolio by

2:45

Kurt Margaret. I'm

2:57

a salesman of good advice

2:59

for rich people. I'm

3:02

a contact man for an investment counseling

3:04

firm. It's a living

3:06

but not a whale of a one or

3:09

at least not now when I'm just starting

3:11

out. To

3:13

qualify for the job, I had

3:15

to buy a Hamburg, a

3:17

navy blue overcoat, a double

3:19

breasted banker's gray suit,

3:22

black shoes, a regimental striped

3:24

tie. Half a dozen white shirts,

3:27

half a dozen pairs of black socks

3:29

and gray gloves. When

3:34

I call on a client, I

3:37

come by cab and I am

3:39

sleek and clean and

3:42

foresquare. I

3:44

carry myself as though I've made

3:46

a quiet killing on the stock market, and

3:48

have come to call more as a public

3:50

service than anything else. When

3:54

I arrive in clean wool, with

3:56

crackling certificates and confidential

3:58

stock analysis and crisp vanilla

4:00

folders. The reaction, ideally

4:03

and usually, is the same,

4:06

a quarter to minister or physician.

4:10

I am in charge and

4:12

everything. Is going to be

4:14

just fine. Ideal

4:18

mostly with old ladies The

4:20

meek, who by dint of cast iron

4:23

constitutions, have inherited sizable

4:25

portions of the earth. I thumb

4:27

through the client's lists of securities

4:30

and relay our experts' suggestions

4:32

for ways of making their portfolios or

4:35

bonances or piles thrive

4:38

and increase. I can

4:40

speak of tens of thousands of

4:42

dollars without a catch in my

4:44

throat. And look at a list of securities

4:46

worth more than a hundred thousand with

4:49

no more fuss than a judicious.

4:56

Since I don't have a portfolio,

4:59

my job is a little like being a hungry

5:02

delivery boy for a candy store

5:04

But I never really felt that

5:06

way about it until Herbert

5:08

Foster asked me to have a

5:10

look at his finances. He

5:14

called one evening to say a friend

5:16

had recommended me and could

5:18

I come out to talk business? I

5:21

washed shaved, dusted

5:23

my shoes, put on my uniform,

5:26

and made my grave arrival by

5:28

camp. People

5:30

in my business and maybe

5:32

people in general have an unsavory

5:35

habit of sizing up a man's

5:37

house, car, and

5:39

suit in estimating his annual

5:42

income. Herbert Foster

5:44

was six thousand a year or

5:46

I'd never seen it. Understand,

5:49

I have nothing against people in moderate

5:51

circumstances. Other than the crucial

5:54

fact that I can't make any money of

5:56

them, It made me little sore

5:58

that Foster would take my time

6:00

when the most he had to play

6:02

around with, I guess, was no more than a

6:04

few hundred dollars. Say

6:06

it was a thousand. My

6:08

take would be a dollar or two at

6:10

best. Anyway,

6:20

there I was in the Foster's

6:22

jerry built post war colonial

6:24

with expansion attic. They

6:26

had taken up a local furniture store

6:28

on its offer of three rooms of

6:30

furniture, including ashtrays, a

6:32

humidor, and pictures

6:34

for the wall, all for one

6:36

ninety nine ninety nine. Hell.

6:39

I was there and I figured I

6:41

might as well go through with having a look at

6:43

his pathetic problem. Nice

6:46

place you have here, mister foster, I

6:48

said. And this is your charming

6:51

wife? A

6:53

skinny, shrewish looking woman

6:55

mild up at me vacuously.

6:57

She wore a faded house coat,

6:59

figured with a fox hunting scene.

7:02

The

7:02

print was at war with the

7:04

slipcover of the chair, and I had

7:06

to squint to separate

7:08

her features from the LASH ABOUT

7:10

HER. A Pleasure, missus

7:13

Foster. I SAID. SHE

7:15

WAS SURROUNDED BY UNDERWEAR AND

7:17

SOX TO BE MENDED. And Herbert

7:19

said her name was Alma, which

7:21

seemed entirely possible.

7:25

And this is the young master,

7:27

I said. Bright little chap

7:29

believe he favors his father. The

7:32

two year old wiped his grubby hands on

7:35

my trousers, snuffled, and

7:37

patted off toward the piano. He

7:40

stationed himself at the upper end

7:42

of the keyboard and hammered on the

7:44

highest note for one minute,

7:47

then two, then

7:49

three. Musical.

7:52

Bike father, Alma said,

7:55

you played, do you mister Foster? Classical.

8:00

Herbert said, I took my

8:02

first good look at him. He

8:04

was lightly built with the

8:06

round freckled face and big

8:08

teeth I usually associate with

8:11

the off or wise guy.

8:13

It was hard to believe that he had

8:15

settled for so plain a wife

8:17

or that could be his fond

8:19

of family life as he seemed.

8:22

It may have been that I only imagined

8:24

a look of quiet desperation

8:27

in his eye. Eyes. Shouldn't

8:29

you be getting onto your meeting to you?

8:32

Hereford said. It was

8:34

called off at the last minute.

8:37

Now about your portfolio, I

8:39

began. Herbert looked

8:40

rattled. How is that?

8:43

Your your securities?

8:47

Yes.

8:47

Well, I think we'd better

8:50

talk in bedroom. It's quieter

8:52

in there. Alma

8:54

put down her sewing. What

8:57

securities? The bonds,

8:59

dear. The government bonds.

9:02

Now Herbert, you're not

9:04

going to cash them in. No

9:06

album. Just want to talk them

9:08

over. I

9:11

see. I said tentatively.

9:14

Approximately, how much in

9:17

government bonds. Three

9:19

hundred and fifty

9:19

dollars. Alma said proudly.

9:23

Well, I

9:24

said, I I don't see

9:26

any need for going into the bedroom

9:28

to talk. My advice,

9:30

and I give it free,

9:32

is to hang on to your nest egg

9:34

until it would hours. And

9:36

now if you'll let me phone a cab,

9:38

please. Herbert said

9:40

standing in the bedroom door. There

9:42

are a couple of other things I'd

9:44

like to discuss. What?

9:47

Emma said, oh,

9:50

long range investment planning.

9:52

Herbert said vaguely. We could

9:55

use a little short range planning

9:57

for next month's grocery

9:58

bill. Please Herbert

10:02

said to me again. I

10:05

shrugged and followed him into the bedroom.

10:07

He closed the door

10:09

behind me. I sat

10:11

on of the bed and watched him open

10:13

a little door in the wall,

10:16

which bared the pipes servicing the

10:18

bathroom. He slid his

10:20

arm up into the wall,

10:22

grunted, and pulled down

10:24

an envelope. 00I

10:28

said apathetically. So

10:31

that's where we've got the bonds. Hey?

10:33

Very clever. You needn't

10:35

have gone to that trouble, mister

10:37

Foster. have an idea of what government

10:39

bonds look like. Alma,

10:42

he called? Yes,

10:44

however. Will you start some

10:46

coffee for us? I

10:48

don't drink coffee at night. I

10:50

said. We have some

10:52

from dinner. Alma

10:54

said, I can't sleep if

10:56

I touch it after upper, I

10:59

said.

10:59

Fresh. We want some

11:01

fresh. Herbert said.

11:04

The chair springs creaked and her

11:06

reluctant foot steps faded

11:08

into the

11:08

kitchen. Here, said

11:11

Herbert, putting the envelope in my lap. I

11:13

don't know anything about this

11:15

business and I guess I ought

11:17

to have professional help.

11:20

Alright. So I'd give the poor

11:22

guy a professional national talk about his

11:24

three hundred and fifty dollars in government

11:26

bonds. They're

11:28

the most conservative investment you

11:30

can make. They haven't the

11:32

growth characteristics of many securities

11:34

and the return isn't great,

11:36

but they're very safe

11:38

by all means hey, honor

11:40

them. I stood

11:41

up. And now, if you

11:44

let me call a cab, you haven't

11:46

looked at them. I

11:48

side and untwisted the red

11:51

string holding the envelope shut.

11:53

Nothing would do, but that I

11:55

admire the things, the

11:58

bonds. And a list of

12:00

securities slid into my lap.

12:02

I rippled through the bonds quickly

12:04

and then read the list securities

12:06

slowly. Wow.

12:14

I put the list down

12:16

on the faded bedspread. I

12:19

composed myself. Uh-huh.

12:24

I said, do you

12:26

mind telling me where the

12:28

securities listed here came

12:30

from? Grandfather left

12:32

them to me two years ago.

12:35

The lawyers who handled the

12:37

estate have

12:37

them, they sent me

12:40

that list. Do

12:42

you know what these socks are

12:43

worth? They

12:45

were appraised when I inherited

12:47

them. He told me the figure,

12:50

and to my bewilderment, he looked

12:52

cheapish, even a little

12:54

unhappy about it. They've

12:56

gone up a little since then.

12:59

How much? On

13:02

today's market, maybe

13:04

they're worth seven hundred and fifty

13:06

thousand dollars, mister Foster.

13:09

Sir? His

13:12

expression didn't change. My

13:14

news moved him about as much as

13:16

if I'd told him it'd been a chilly

13:18

winter. He raised his

13:20

eyebrows as Alma's footsteps came

13:22

back into the living

13:23

room. She

13:26

doesn't know? LBRThe,

13:28

no. He seemed to have surprised

13:30

himself with his vehemence. I

13:33

mean, the time isn't

13:35

ripe. If

13:37

you let me have this list of

13:39

securities, I'll have our New York

13:41

office give you a complete analysis

13:44

and recommendations by

13:46

whisper. May I

13:48

call you Herbert? Sir?

13:54

My client, Herbert Foster.

13:57

Haven't had a new suit in three

13:59

years. He had never owned

14:01

more than one pair of shoes at

14:03

a time. He worried about

14:05

payments on his secondhand car

14:07

and ate tuna and cheese instead

14:09

of meat because meat was too

14:11

expensive. His

14:13

wife made her own clothes and those

14:16

of Herbert junior and the

14:18

curtains and slip covers

14:20

all cut from the same bargain

14:22

bolt. The

14:24

fosters were going through hell trying

14:26

to choose between new tires

14:28

or retrads for the

14:29

car. And television was something they

14:31

had to go two doors down to treat to

14:33

watch. Determinatively,

14:35

they kept within the small

14:38

salary Herbert made as a

14:40

bookkeeper for a wholesale grocery

14:42

house. God

14:44

knows it's no disgrace to live

14:46

that way, which is better than the

14:48

way I live, but it was pretty

14:50

disturbing to watch. Knowing

14:53

Herbert had an income after

14:55

taxes of perhaps twenty thousand

14:57

a year. I

14:59

had our securities analyst look

15:01

over Foster's holdings and report on

15:03

the stock's growth possibilities. Prospective

15:06

earnings, the effects of war and peace,

15:08

inflation, and deflation, and

15:10

so on. The report ran

15:12

to twenty pages, a record for any

15:15

of my clients. Usually, the

15:17

reports are bound in cardboard covers,

15:19

herds, was done up in

15:21

red, leather hat. It

15:24

arrived at my place on a Saturday afternoon,

15:26

and I called up Herbert to ask if

15:29

I could bring it out. I had exciting

15:31

news for him. My

15:33

by eye estimate of the values

15:35

had been off and his

15:37

portfolio as of that day

15:39

was worth close to eight hundred and

15:42

fifty thousand. I've

15:52

got the analysis and recommendations,

15:55

I said, and things

15:57

look good. Mister Foster, very

15:59

good. You need a little

16:01

diversification here and there

16:03

and maybe more emphasis on

16:04

growth, but I

16:05

go ahead and do whatever

16:08

needs to be done. He

16:10

said, when could we talk

16:12

about this? It's something

16:14

we ought to go over

16:14

together, certainly. Tonight

16:17

would be fine

16:17

with me. I work tonight.

16:20

Over time at the Wholesale House?

16:24

Another job in a restaurant.

16:26

Were Friday, Saturday, and

16:29

Sunday

16:29

night. I winced. The

16:32

man had maybe seventy

16:34

five dollars a day coming in from his

16:35

securities, and he worked three nights

16:38

a week to make ends meet.

16:40

Monday, Play

16:42

Oregon for choir practice at the

16:45

church. It's

16:46

Tuesday. Volunteer fire

16:49

department drill. Wednesday

16:53

play piano for folk dancing at

16:55

the church. Thursday,

16:58

morning night for albumin Me. Win

17:02

this. You go

17:04

ahead and do whatever needs to

17:06

be

17:06

done. Don't

17:07

you want to be in on what I'm

17:10

doing?

17:10

Do I have

17:13

to be? I'd feel

17:15

better if you were. Alright.

17:19

Good day, noon, lunch.

17:23

Fine with me. Maybe you'd

17:25

better have a good look at this report

17:27

before then, so you can

17:29

have questions ready. He

17:33

sounded

17:33

annoyed. Okay. Okay.

17:36

Okay. Be here till

17:38

nine. Drop it off before

17:40

then. One

17:40

more thing, Herbert. I'd saved

17:43

the kicker for last. I

17:45

was way off about what the stocks

17:48

are worth. They're now up to about eight hundred and fifty

17:50

thousand dollars.

17:54

I said, You're about a hundred

17:57

thousand dollars richer than you

17:59

thought. Uh-huh. Well,

18:03

you just go ahead and do

18:05

whatever needs to be done?

18:08

Yes, sir. The

18:11

phone was dead. I

18:16

was delaying my other

18:19

business, and I didn't get out to the

18:21

fosters until quarter of ten. Herbert

18:24

was born. Alma answered

18:26

the door, and to my surprise,

18:28

she asked for the

18:29

report, which I was hiding under

18:32

my

18:32

coat. Herbert said, I wasn't supposed

18:34

to look at it. She said,

18:37

so you didn't worry about

18:39

me peeking. Herbert

18:43

told you about

18:44

this? I said

18:45

carefully. Yes.

18:47

He said it's confidential ports

18:50

on stocks you wanna sell him?

18:53

Yes. Uh-huh. Well,

18:55

if he said to leave it

18:57

with you, here it is.

18:59

He told me he had

19:01

to promise you not to let anybody

19:04

look at it. Mm-mm.

19:07

Oh, Yes. Yes.

19:10

Sorry. Company rules. She

19:12

was a shade hostile.

19:14

I'll tell you one thing without

19:16

looking at any

19:17

report. Thoughts. And that is he's not going to

19:19

cash those bonds to buy any stocks with.

19:21

I'd

19:21

be the

19:22

last one to recommend

19:25

that. Missus Foster.

19:27

Then why do you keep after

19:29

him? He may

19:31

be a good customer at

19:33

a later date.

19:34

I looked at my hands, which I realized had

19:37

become ink stained on the earlier

19:39

call. I wonder if

19:41

I might Wash up.

19:44

Reluctantly she let me in,

19:46

keeping us far away from me as the

19:48

modest floor plan would

19:49

permit. As

19:50

I washed up, I

19:53

thought of the list of securities Herbert

19:55

had taken from between the plasterboard

19:58

walls Those securities

20:01

meant winters in Florida,

20:03

Philippe Mongon and twelve year old

20:05

bourbon, jaguars, silk

20:07

underwear and handmade

20:08

shoes, a trip around the world.

20:10

Name it Herbert Foster

20:12

could have it. I

20:15

side heavily. The

20:18

soap in the foster soap dish

20:20

was modeled in

20:21

dingy. A dozen little chips moistened and

20:24

pressed together to make a new

20:26

bar. I

20:27

thanked Emma and started to

20:30

leave. On my way out, I

20:32

paused by the mantle to look at a

20:34

small tinted photograph. Good

20:39

picture of you. I said, a

20:41

feeble effort at public relations.

20:43

I like that. Everybody

20:46

says that. It

20:49

isn't me. It's Herbert's

20:51

mother, amazing

20:54

likeness, and it was. Herbert

20:57

had married a girl just like the girl that

20:59

married dear old

21:00

dad. And this

21:03

picture is his father.

21:05

My father.

21:07

We don't want a picture

21:09

of his father. This

21:13

looked like a sore point that might prove

21:16

informative. Herbert

21:18

is such a wonderful person.

21:20

His father must have been wonderful too.

21:23

Uh-huh. He deserted

21:25

his wife and child.

21:28

That's how wonderful he was. You'll

21:30

be smart not to mention him to

21:32

Herbert.

21:33

Sorry. Everything

21:36

good about Herbert comes

21:38

from his

21:39

mother. She was

21:41

a saint. She taught Herbert

21:43

to be decent and

21:46

respectable, and god

21:48

fearing. Emma

21:50

was grim about

21:51

it. Was

21:53

she musical to?

21:55

He gets

21:55

that from his father.

21:58

But what he does with it is something quite

22:01

different. His taste in music

22:03

is his mother's, the

22:05

classics. His father

22:07

was a jazz man. I take it.

22:09

I hinted. He

22:11

preferred playing piano and dies

22:14

and breathing

22:15

And drinking gin to his

22:18

wife and child and

22:20

home and job. Herbert's

22:22

mother finally said he had to choose

22:25

one life or the

22:26

other? I nodded,

22:30

synthetically. Maybe Herbert

22:32

looked on his fortune as

22:34

filthy. Untouchable since it came from his

22:37

father's side of the family. This

22:40

grandfather of Herbert's who died two

22:42

years

22:42

ago He supported Herbert and

22:45

his mother after his son

22:47

deserted them. Herbert

22:49

worshipped him. She

22:51

shook her head sadly. He

22:53

was penniless when he died. What

22:58

a shame. I'd

23:00

so hoped he would leave us a little

23:02

something, so Herbert wouldn't have

23:04

to work weekends.

23:17

Time for

23:21

a

23:23

quick break to talk about some delicious

23:25

breakfast options at McDonald's. Like

23:27

a steak egg and cheese bagel, or you can get steak

23:29

on a McMuffin or biscuit or any other

23:31

of your favorite breakfast sandwiches. And for

23:33

even more deliciousness, pair

23:35

it with a caramel macchiato or one of our

23:37

other Mcafe beverages to make sure your day gets

23:40

off to a great start. At

23:42

participating McDonald's, single item at

23:44

regular

23:44

price.

23:46

Now, let's get back to

23:48

our story. We

23:52

were trying to talk above

23:54

the clattered tinkle in crash of the

23:56

cafeteria where Herbert ate every day.

23:59

Lunch was on me.

24:01

Or on my expense account. And I'd

24:03

picked up his check for eighty seven

24:06

cents. I

24:08

said, Now, Herbert, before we go any

24:11

further, we'd better decide what you want

24:13

from your investments. Growth

24:16

or income. It

24:18

was a cliche of the counseling

24:21

business. God know what he wanted from the

24:23

securities. It didn't seem to be

24:25

what everybody else

24:26

wanted. Money. Whatever

24:29

you say. Herbert

24:31

said, absently. He was

24:33

upset about something and not paying much

24:35

attention to me. Herbert.

24:38

Look, you've got to

24:40

face this thing. You're a

24:42

rich man. You've got to

24:44

concentrate on making the most of

24:46

your holdings. But that's

24:48

why I call you. I want

24:50

you to concentrate. I want

24:52

you to run things for me.

24:54

So I won't have to bother with the

24:57

deposits and proxies and taxes.

24:59

Don't trouble me with it at all.

25:03

Your lawyers have been banking the

25:05

dividends. Most of

25:07

them took out thirty two

25:10

dollars for Christmas, and gave a

25:12

hundred to

25:13

the church. So

25:14

what's your balance? He

25:16

handed me the deposit

25:19

book. Not

25:22

bad, I said. Despite

25:25

his Christmas splurge and largess

25:27

toward the church, he'd managed to

25:29

salt away fifty thousand two

25:32

hundred and twenty seven dollars and

25:34

thirty three cents. May

25:37

I ask what a man with a balance

25:39

like that can be blue

25:42

about? Got balled

25:44

out at work again? By

25:46

the place and burn it

25:47

down, I suggested. I

25:51

could. Good and I.

25:53

A wild look came into his eyes

25:55

then disappeared.

25:57

Herbert, you can

26:00

do anything your hard

26:02

desires.

26:03

No. I suppose so.

26:06

It's all in the way you look at it.

26:09

I leaned forward. How

26:12

do you look at it Herbert?

26:15

I think every

26:17

man for his own self

26:19

respect should

26:21

what he lives on. But

26:24

Herbert, I

26:24

have a wonderful wife and child,

26:26

a nice house for them

26:28

and a car and I've earned

26:30

every penny of the way. I'm

26:33

living up to the full measure of

26:35

my responsibilities. I'm

26:38

proud to everything my mother

26:40

wanted me to be and

26:43

nothing my father was. Do

26:46

you mind my asking what

26:49

your father was? I don't

26:52

enjoy talking about

26:53

him. Home and

26:56

family meant nothing to

26:57

him. His real love

27:00

was for low down music

27:02

and honky tonks. And

27:05

for the trash in them. Was

27:08

he a good musician, do you think?

27:12

Good. For an instant, there

27:14

was excitement in his voice, and he

27:16

tensed as though he were going to make an

27:18

important point. But

27:20

he relaxed again. Good.

27:24

He repeated flatly

27:27

this time. Yes.

27:30

In a crude way.

27:33

I suppose he was passable.

27:37

Technically, that is. And

27:39

that much you inherited

27:41

from him, his wrists

27:43

and hands, maybe. help

27:46

me if there's any more of him in me.

27:48

You've got his love of music too.

27:52

I love music. But I'd never let

27:54

it get like dope to me. He

27:56

said with more force than seemed necessary.

28:01

Uh-huh. Well, never.

28:03

Big your pardon? His

28:06

eyes were wide. I said I'll

28:08

never let music get like dope to

28:10

me. It's important to me,

28:12

but I'm master of it. And

28:14

not the other way around.

28:20

Apparently, it was. A treacherous subject,

28:22

so I switched back to the

28:24

matter of his finances. Yes.

28:29

Well, Now about your

28:31

portfolio again, just what

28:33

use do you expect to make

28:35

of it? Use some

28:37

of it for almas and my

28:39

old age, the most of

28:41

it to the boy. The

28:43

least you can do is take enough out of the kitty

28:46

to let you out of working weekends.

28:48

He stood up suddenly.

28:53

Look, I want you to handle my securities,

28:55

not my life. If you can't do

28:57

one without the other, I'll find

28:59

someone who can. Please.

29:04

Herbert, mister Foster, I'm

29:06

sorry, sir. I was only

29:09

trying to get the whole picture for

29:11

planning.

29:11

He sat down, red faced.

29:14

Alright LBRThe. Respect

29:17

my convictions

29:19

I want to make my own way. If

29:21

I have to hold a second job to

29:23

make ends meet, then

29:25

that's my cross to bear.

29:30

Sure. Sure. Certainly.

29:32

And you're dead right.

29:34

Herbert, I respect you for I

29:36

thought he belonged in the bug house for

29:39

it. You leave everything

29:41

to me from now on.

29:44

I'll invest

29:44

those dividends and run the

29:47

whole show. As

29:49

I puzzled over Herbert,

29:51

I glanced at a passing blonde

29:54

Herbert said something I missed. What

29:56

was that? Herbert? I

29:59

said, if thy right

30:01

eye offend

30:02

thee, pluck it out

30:04

and cast it from the I

30:08

laughed depreciatively, then cut

30:10

it short.

30:11

Herbert was deadly serious. Well,

30:14

pretty soon you'll have the car

30:16

paid for and then you can take a

30:18

well earned rest on the weekends.

30:21

And you'll really have something to be proud of.

30:23

Earn the whole car by the

30:25

sweat of your brow right down

30:27

to the tip of the exhaust pipe.

30:31

One more payment. Then

30:34

buy buy

30:35

restaurant. There'll still be Alma's

30:38

birthday present to pay for. I'm

30:40

getting her television.

30:41

Going to

30:42

earn that too, are you?

30:46

Think how much more meaningful it

30:48

will be as a gift. If I

30:49

do? Yes, sir. And

30:52

it'll give her something to do on

30:54

weekends too. If

30:56

I have to work weekends for twenty eight more

30:59

months, god knows it's little enough to do

31:01

for her. If

31:04

the stock market kept doing what it had been

31:06

doing for the past three years, Herbert

31:08

would be a millionaire

31:10

just about the time he made the last

31:13

payment on Alma's birthday

31:14

present. Fine.

31:18

I love my family. Herbert

31:21

said earnestly. I'm sure

31:24

you

31:24

do. And I wouldn't trade

31:27

the life I've got for

31:28

anything. I

31:30

can certainly see why, I

31:32

said. I had the impression that he was arguing

31:35

with me, that it was important

31:37

to him, that I'd be convinced.

31:41

When I consider what my father

31:43

was and then see the life I've made

31:45

for myself, it's the

31:47

biggest thrill in all

31:49

my experience. Very small

31:51

thrill could qualify for the biggest

31:53

in Herbert's experience I thought.

31:56

I envy you It must

31:58

be gratifying.gratifying. It

32:04

is. It is. It

32:07

is. My firm

32:11

began managing Herbert's Portfolio3D,

32:14

converting some of the slower moving securities

32:16

into more lucrative ones, investing

32:18

the accumulated dividends, diversifying

32:21

his holdings, so he'd be in better

32:23

shape to weather economic shifts.

32:25

And in general, making his

32:27

fortune all together ship

32:30

shape. A sound portfolio

32:32

is a thing of beauty in its way.

32:34

Aside from its cash value, putting one

32:36

together is a creative act,

32:39

if done right, with solid

32:41

major themes of industrials,

32:44

rails, and utilities. And

32:46

with the lighter, more exciting

32:48

themes of electronics, frozen

32:50

foods, magic drugs, oil

32:52

and gas, aviation, and

32:54

more speculative items. Herbert's

32:58

portfolio was our masterpiece.

33:00

I was thrilled and

33:03

proud of what the firm had done

33:05

and not being able to show it

33:06

off, even to him was

33:09

depressing.

33:09

It was too much for me

33:12

and I decided to engineer

33:14

a coincidence. I would find

33:17

out in which restaurant Herbert

33:19

worked and then drop

33:21

in like any other citizen for something

33:23

to eat. I would happen

33:25

to have a report on his overhaul

33:28

with me. My

33:31

telephone down who told me the name of the

33:33

place, one I'd never heard

33:35

of, Herbert hadn't wanted to talk about

33:37

the place, so I gathered that it was

33:39

pretty grim. As he

33:41

said, his cross to bear. It

33:47

was worse than I'd expected. Tough,

33:52

brassy, dark, and

33:55

noisy. Herbert had

33:57

picked one hell of a place indeed

33:59

to do pennies for a wayward

34:02

father, or to demonstrate his

34:04

gratitude to his wife or to

34:06

maintain his self respect by earning his

34:08

own way or to do whatever it

34:10

was he was

34:12

doing there. I elbowed my way

34:14

between bored looking women and

34:16

racetrack types to

34:18

the bar. I had to

34:20

shout at the bartender to be heard. When

34:22

I did get through to him, he yelled

34:24

back that he'd never heard of no

34:26

Herbert Foster. Herbert

34:28

then was about as minor an

34:30

employee as there was in the

34:32

establishment. He was probably

34:34

doing something greasy in

34:36

the kitchen or

34:37

basement. Typical. In

34:39

the kitchen, a Chrome was

34:41

making questionable looking

34:44

hamburgers and nipping at a quarter

34:46

of

34:46

beer. I'm looking for

34:49

Herbert

34:49

Foster. You know,

34:51

damn Herbert Foster in here.

34:53

In the

34:54

basement? Ain't no damn

34:57

basement. here

34:59

of Herbert

34:59

Foster? Ain't never heard a no damn

35:02

Herbert

35:02

Foster. Thanks.

35:10

I sat in a booth to think it

35:12

over. Herbert had apparently

35:14

picked the joint out of telephone

35:18

book and told Alma it was where

35:20

he spent his weekend

35:22

evenings. In

35:24

a way, It made me

35:26

feel better because it began to

35:28

look as though Herbert

35:30

maybe had better reasons than he'd

35:32

given me relating eight hundred

35:33

musty. I remembered

35:36

that every time I'd mentioned his

35:38

giving up the weekend job,

35:42

he'd reacted like a man hearing a dentist tune

35:44

up his drill. I saw it

35:46

now. The minute he let Alma

35:49

know he was

35:50

rich, he'd lose his excuse

35:52

for getting away from her on weekends.

35:55

But what was it?

35:58

That was worth more to her birth

36:00

than eight hundred and fifty thousand.

36:02

Benjes,

36:03

dope, women, eyes eyed

36:06

and admitted

36:08

I was kidding myself that I was no closer to the answer

36:10

than I'd ever

36:11

been.moral turpentoon

36:13

on Herbert's

36:16

part was inconceivable. Whatever

36:18

he was up to,

36:20

it had to be for a good cause

36:24

His mother had done such a thorough job on him and

36:26

he was so awfully ashamed of

36:28

his father's failings that I was

36:30

sure he couldn't operate any other way

36:33

but rightiously. I

36:35

gave up on

36:36

the puzzle and ordered

36:39

a night cap. And

36:42

then, Herbert

36:43

Foster, looking drab and

36:46

hunted, picked his way

36:49

through the crowd. His

36:51

expression was one of

36:54

disapproval of a holy

36:56

man

36:57

in Babylon. He was oddly stiff necked and held

37:00

his arms at his sides as he

37:02

pointedly kept from brushing

37:04

against anyone or from meeting

37:06

any

37:07

of the gazes. That fell

37:09

upon him. There was no question that

37:11

being in the place was

37:14

absolute humiliating hell

37:16

for him. I

37:18

called to him, but

37:20

he paid no attention. There was

37:23

no communicating with him. Herbert

37:26

was in a near coma of sea,

37:28

no evil, speak no

37:30

evil. Here,

37:32

no evil. A

37:34

crowd in the rear parted for him, and I expected to

37:36

see Herbert go into a dark

37:38

corner for a broom or

37:41

a mop. But

37:43

a light flashed on at the far

37:45

end of the aisle the crowd made

37:47

for

37:47

him and a tiny

37:50

white piano

37:52

sparkled there. My jewelry.

38:00

The

38:00

bartender set a drink on the piano and went back to

38:03

his post. Herbert dusted

38:04

off the piano bench with

38:08

his handkerchief. And sat

38:10

down gingerly.

38:12

He took a cigarette

38:14

from his breast pocket and lighted

38:16

it. And then the cigarette started

38:18

to droop slowly from his lips. And as

38:21

it drooped, Herbert hunched

38:24

over the keyboard and his

38:26

eyes narrowed as though

38:28

he were focusing on something

38:32

beautiful on a faraway

38:34

horizon, startlingly,

38:37

Herbert Foster disappeared

38:40

in his place, sat an excited stranger, his hands

38:43

poised like claws.

38:48

Suddenly, he struck and a spasm

38:50

of dirty, low down,

38:52

gorgeous jazz shook

38:54

the air. A of

38:56

the twenties. Late

39:04

that night,

39:08

I went over my masterpiece, the

39:10

portfolio of Herbert foster

39:12

alias Firehouse Harris.

39:14

I hadn't

39:15

bothered Firehouse with it

39:17

or with myself.

39:19

In a week or so, there would be

39:21

a juicy melon from one of his steel

39:24

companies. Three of his oil stocks

39:26

were paying

39:28

extra dividends, The farm machinery company in which he owned five

39:30

thousand shares was about to offer

39:32

him rights were three

39:34

dollars apiece. Thanks

39:36

to me and

39:37

my company and an economy. In

39:39

full bloom, Herbert was about

39:42

to be several

39:44

thousand dollar richer than

39:46

he'd been a

39:47

month before. I had a right to

39:49

be proud, but

39:52

my triumph. Except for the

39:54

commission, was gall and wormwood.

39:58

Nobody could do anything

40:00

for Herbert. Herbert

40:02

already had what he wanted. He

40:04

had had it long before the

40:07

inheritance or I intruded. He

40:10

had the respectability his mother

40:12

had hammered into him. But

40:14

just as priceless as that was,

40:17

and income not quite

40:19

big enough to go

40:22

around. He'd left him no

40:24

alternative, but in the holy

40:26

names of wife,

40:27

child, and home to play

40:30

piano, and a

40:31

dive, and breathe smoke,

40:33

and drink beer. To be

40:37

Firehouse Harris, his father's

40:42

son, Green Knights, nine

40:47

seven.

40:57

Firehouse Harris,

41:00

you know, I

41:02

love a good bar. IIIIII

41:06

think I think bars can be

41:08

terrific places to observe

41:11

human nature. And

41:14

and as an actor.

41:16

I've spent

41:17

more than my share

41:20

of time in bars

41:22

ostensibly observing humanity.

41:26

But there's nothing like

41:29

a good bar. And and a good

41:31

bar with a hockey ton player at the

41:34

piano. That's a

41:37

place I I'm always willing to sit down, spend

41:40

a little time in. When I

41:41

when I first read this

41:43

story, I was I was through with Herbert.

41:45

I was done with him. I

41:47

mean, that is until I got to the end of the

41:49

story. I was I was just pissed

41:52

at this guy who didn't

41:53

seem to want.

41:55

What clearly was in

41:58

my mind the thing

42:00

to

42:01

want, the money. What I didn't

42:03

see coming was

42:06

he had what he needed.

42:10

And I guess

42:12

the sad

42:13

thing for me

42:14

for Herbert is that

42:17

in order to have his

42:18

his cake and eat it too.

42:19

He had to hide his

42:22

cake from

42:23

his wife. And

42:26

see, even at

42:27

the end, he struggles.

42:30

Right? He's still he's

42:32

struggles with these two sides of himself. The the the

42:35

family man, right, who's making all

42:37

the right moves, who's doing all

42:39

the right

42:40

things, And then this part

42:42

of himself that he just can't ignore,

42:44

but it it

42:46

it's joy

42:47

and pain at the

42:49

same time. Right? If I've

42:53

learned anything

42:55

over the

42:58

thirty some odd years I've been with my

43:00

wife, Is

43:01

that transparency

43:06

is sexy?

43:10

I don't wanna hide

43:12

anything from my wife necessarily

43:18

because secrets they

43:21

become poison

43:23

in a relationship.

43:27

And so I really

43:28

I I'm sad for

43:31

her word in

43:33

the story because his

43:36

heart's desire is

43:38

pitted up against the

43:40

thing that he's been conditioned to

43:44

want. And need,

43:47

home, and hearth,

43:49

and a

43:49

family. And

43:52

he's been taught by his

43:53

mother and reinforced by his wife to

43:56

be ashamed of a

43:57

very integral part

44:00

of himself. That's hard.

44:04

That's that

44:06

sucks. Because

44:08

all we are

44:10

really looking for is at

44:12

least all I'm really looking

44:15

for is security

44:18

in the knowledge

44:20

that I am doing

44:22

what I came

44:24

here to do

44:26

in as best

44:28

away as I possibly can,

44:32

honorably with

44:36

integrity as well as

44:37

passion. And knowing

44:39

that I don't have

44:42

to hide

44:43

any

44:44

aspect of myself. I feel like I've

44:48

earned I've earned my

44:50

place

44:51

here. Not

44:54

having to hide is

45:00

the luxury. Afforded by process

45:04

and and determining to

45:06

not keep

45:08

secrets from my spouse. It's

45:10

one of the best decisions I think

45:12

I ever made as a man. Certainly

45:15

as a husband. Maybe

45:18

even as

45:20

a man.

45:26

Our producer on

45:29

this episode of

45:31

LeVar Burton reads is

45:34

Julia Marie

45:36

Smith, the best in the business with help from New York's own

45:38

Harry Huggins and Renee

45:40

Culvert out of LA, one

45:42

of my favorite humans on

45:45

the planet. Our editing and sound design by

45:47

Brendan Birds. Who knew? The

45:49

kid was so

45:52

so talented. My most sincere thanks to the

45:54

estate of Kirk Vonnegut for allowing me to

45:56

read his You can find

45:58

it in collection,

46:00

welcome to the Monkey House

46:02

copyright nineteen sixty

46:03

eight. And

46:07

here's an idea. If you like listening to the

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