0:07

Welcome to the Anxiety Coaches podcast!

0:09

Relaxing and informative show where we

0:12

explore anxiety and and Ptsd sharing

0:14

how you can overcome them for

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a life. Know.

0:23

How will come back to

0:25

the Anxiety Coaches Podcast! I'm

0:27

your host and coach Geno

0:29

Ryan and I am so

0:31

happy to be with you

0:33

again. Today is together We

0:35

can consider the many ways

0:37

to bring your mind and

0:39

body bear to it's natural

0:41

peace and calm. In. Today's

0:44

episode I'm talking about emotional reasoning,

0:46

examples and solutions for self defeating

0:48

beliefs that you might be having

0:50

and I know you're having them

0:52

because you tell me about them

0:54

and I have had them to

0:56

and of course I still have

0:58

them, but I give other ways

1:00

of dealing with them now than

1:03

I used to his to beat

1:05

myself up for. Give

1:07

myself a kinds of reasons

1:09

to be extra stressed out.

1:11

so let's explore some real

1:14

life examples for self defeating

1:16

beliefs and the solutions. I.

1:19

Wanted to start out, let's see

1:21

how many of them I have here,

1:23

I think I have them numbered Sullivan

1:26

of them yea, so I have

1:28

number. Filtering. And

1:30

this is known as of focusing

1:32

on the negative. I wonder if

1:34

anybody out there is ever done

1:37

that yet? I think it's pretty

1:39

common and one of the examples

1:41

of there would be. You.

1:43

Received positive feedback from maybe

1:46

some of your colleagues

1:48

about a presentation, but one

1:50

person points out a minor

1:53

flaw and instead of appreciating

1:56

the positive comments, you dwell

1:58

on the one. criticism

2:01

feeling like a failure. Now

2:04

this is not uncommon. We all

2:06

fall into this because again, I

2:09

know I talk about this here all the

2:11

time, we are built with a negative bias.

2:14

We're supposed to make ourselves try to do

2:16

better and better and to not get, you

2:19

know, caught without having all of

2:21

the answers which we will never have.

2:24

But we want to know that we're doing this.

2:26

If we catch ourselves doing it, know that we

2:28

are doing it and work on it. And

2:30

how can we do that? We can actively

2:34

focus on the

2:36

positive aspects and the constructive

2:38

feedback. Challenge

2:40

the urge to filter

2:42

out the good by

2:44

consciously acknowledging and appreciating

2:47

the positive feedback. Now this

2:50

can all happen through mindfulness.

2:53

If you are in the present

2:55

moment and find yourself focusing

2:57

on the negative, you can catch

2:59

yourself because you will be aware

3:01

of it. And then you

3:03

can do what I said here with the solution,

3:06

actively focusing on the positive and

3:08

the constructive feedback. It's like we

3:10

have to force ourselves to go

3:13

in a little bit of a

3:15

different direction. We just

3:17

have to say, okay, I see the

3:19

negative, but I'm going to look over

3:21

here now. I'm going to change where

3:23

I am looking because the

3:25

positive came in too. So why not

3:28

look at that? The

3:30

second one that I have, and you've probably

3:32

heard me talk about these before in a

3:35

little bit of a different way. The

3:37

second one is black and white

3:39

thinking. And this is that all

3:41

or nothing kind of mentality. An

3:44

example of that would be that you

3:46

believe that if you don't succeed

3:49

perfectly in a particular project,

3:52

it's a complete failure. There's

3:55

no room for acknowledging partial

3:58

success or improvement. It

4:00

has to be all or nothing. Either

4:03

the project was perfect or

4:06

it is terrible. Now

4:09

the reality is nothing is ever

4:11

perfect and the sooner

4:13

that we can grasp that and

4:16

bring that to our awareness when we're working

4:18

on something and hand it in and

4:20

say, oh, I hope it's okay. The

4:23

better off we will be because it will

4:25

help us stay out of

4:28

this black and white all or nothing

4:30

thinking. And a solution

4:32

for that would be looking for

4:34

the middle ground, right?

4:37

Recognizing that success is on

4:39

a spectrum because there is

4:41

no perfection so

4:43

that we can see success

4:46

on a spectrum and not

4:48

everything is entirely good or

4:50

bad. We can embrace the

4:52

idea that there can be

4:54

shades of gray in our

4:57

achievements. And if we want

4:59

to move the needle toward more

5:02

success or a better outcome

5:04

than we do that, that's how we

5:06

get better at things. But

5:08

beating ourselves up and only

5:11

seeing the bad and calling

5:13

it a bad project or

5:15

a failure won't help us move

5:19

the next project in the better

5:21

direction. We have to

5:23

be gentle with ourselves. It's a lot

5:25

of work and we have to actually

5:27

strive for what we believe

5:30

is the best outcome in

5:32

what we are doing. But we

5:34

cannot have it be all good

5:36

or all bad. Number

5:39

three is overgeneralization.

5:43

And this would be like exaggerating

5:46

or taking things to the extreme. Now,

5:49

we all do all of these, so don't feel

5:52

like I'm trying to point fingers at anybody. These

5:55

are all familiar to me anyway. I

5:57

think the more that we know about them and the more that we

5:59

do, we know that we do

6:02

them and where we might do them and

6:04

what the solutions are, the more we can

6:06

change and have some relief in

6:08

our life where we're not always

6:10

feeling so bad about

6:13

ourselves. So over-generalization

6:15

and exaggerating and taking

6:18

things to the extreme,

6:20

an example of that could be that

6:23

if you made a mistake at work

6:25

and you think, I always mess things

6:27

up, I'm a complete

6:29

failure. Again, these sound like,

6:32

oh, I would never say that, but

6:34

I bet there might be times where

6:36

this comes up and it

6:38

does come up for people. So we

6:41

do have to be aware of it when we

6:43

hear it. This is the whole beauty of

6:46

becoming a mindful person and living

6:48

mindfully. You will see when these

6:50

things come up. You won't be

6:52

just sailing through life, doing them

6:54

over and over again. And

6:57

a solution would be to

6:59

avoid using such extreme language,

7:02

such as using the words

7:04

always or never and

7:06

acknowledge that making a mistake

7:09

doesn't define your entire

7:11

existence. We want to

7:13

question the idea that it's

7:15

a consistent pattern also.

7:19

So again, we do these things,

7:21

but we don't have to keep doing

7:24

them. And we can actually

7:26

learn a lot about ourselves when we find

7:29

ourselves having that thought. It's

7:31

like, wow, was that just

7:33

out of habit? Have I been saying that all

7:35

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7:38

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Number four that I have here

9:18

is mind-reading. Making assumptions

9:20

about an outcome or

9:22

someone's motivation and

9:25

an example of that could be if

9:27

you were planning to go to dinner with

9:29

a friend and they cancel those plans you

9:32

would assume that they must be

9:34

avoiding you or they dislike spending

9:36

time with you and if you

9:39

were thinking those things without checking

9:41

in with them first to ask

9:44

them. That would be mind-reading and

9:46

this is really troublesome because

9:48

we do not know what other people

9:51

are thinking. This is an easy one to fall into.

9:53

We don't know what

9:55

other people are thinking. We don't know what their mood

9:57

is. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

10:00

So we want to check in with

10:02

people. If we are having a thought

10:04

of someone, maybe why did

10:06

they cancel those plans and you feel kind of bad about

10:09

it, communication would

10:11

be helpful here. And

10:13

the solution, the solution is to

10:15

challenge the assumption by

10:17

asking your friend directly with

10:20

communication about the

10:22

situation. Hold yourself back from

10:25

jumping to conclusions about

10:27

other people's motivations without concrete

10:29

evidence. Now yes, people do

10:32

do things to us. People

10:34

are mean to other people and to

10:36

us, and that might very well be true. But

10:40

we don't want to be

10:42

assuming that. We want

10:44

to have concrete evidence. Number

10:47

five, number five

10:49

is catastrophizing. And this is

10:52

expecting and projecting the worst.

10:55

And anybody who has struggled

10:57

with anxiety knows this one.

11:00

This is might be our creed, what we

11:02

live by when we are anxious. An

11:05

example of it would be that

11:07

you have a minor health symptom

11:09

and you immediately assume it

11:11

must be a severe illness, catastrophizing

11:14

the potential outcomes. You

11:17

know it means death. That's all

11:19

there is to it. Suffering

11:22

and death, that little

11:24

pain in your shoulder. It's the end.

11:27

This is what anxious thinking can do

11:29

to us. And catastrophizing

11:31

is very common. So

11:33

again, you are not alone. But what

11:35

is the solution? What can we do to make

11:38

it different? Well, we can remind

11:40

ourselves that there are various

11:43

possible explanations for the symptom.

11:46

We can seek professional advice

11:48

or from those loved ones around us who

11:51

know us well, and they

11:53

can give us a more accurate

11:55

perspective and alleviate some of

11:57

the unnecessary anxiety. This

12:00

one in particular with the health

12:03

example, I also want to say

12:05

this is a good place to stay away

12:07

from Dr. Google because there

12:09

are always horrendous reasons why

12:11

you have pain in your shoulder.

12:14

So obviously you want

12:16

to take care of yourself. You

12:19

want to know that you're doing all

12:21

the right things and if it is an issue

12:23

that you are taking care of it. But

12:25

we don't want to jump to that, to

12:27

the worst conclusion from

12:30

one simple event

12:32

or pain or

12:34

symptom in our body. It's a

12:36

tough one, especially if you've had illness

12:39

or you've been not well.

12:42

Like the body almost goes there by

12:44

itself. The feelings all come up. It's

12:46

like, oh, here we go again. I know this is a

12:48

problem. Or if none

12:51

of your things in the past have been a

12:53

problem, what I hear from clients

12:55

all the time is, yeah, but this

12:57

time is different. This

12:59

time I know it's a heart attack. And

13:02

this is hard because no one wants

13:04

to ignore the symptoms of a heart

13:06

attack. This is why you

13:09

want to be able to know for

13:11

yourself that you can calm

13:13

yourself down because you

13:16

know how to do your breathing and

13:18

come into the present moment and ground

13:20

yourself. And of

13:22

course you get help if help is needed, but

13:25

you don't jump to a conclusion. You

13:28

just say, maybe this needs to be

13:30

looked into. The thing

13:32

is, is that we say the scary

13:34

stuff to ourselves. We say, oh

13:37

my God, here we go. This

13:40

is it. What could

13:42

this be? I'm in trouble. I'm

13:44

going to die. We say

13:47

these scary things to ourselves. And

13:49

all that does is increase

13:51

our stress hormones,

13:54

our anxiety, and

13:56

the pain we're feeling. It

13:59

All goes up. So. What

14:01

we want to learn to do is

14:03

to stay present, stay grounded. And

14:05

get ourselves to help. That's needed is help is

14:08

need. But we. Don't have

14:10

to jump to the negative conclusion.

14:13

Believe. Me as it's an emergency. it's

14:15

pretty much you will know. Now.

14:19

I wanna share this because I hear this

14:21

all a time. I. Get

14:23

to hear the things that were not an

14:25

emergency. People don't share with me that something

14:27

came up, They ignored it and then it

14:30

was an emergency. That's not the issue they

14:32

come to me with, They come to me

14:34

with I have called. The ambulance

14:36

four times. I

14:38

have had this team and when

14:41

I call for the ambulance the

14:43

pain goes away. You might

14:45

not think this is true, but I hear this all

14:47

the time. It's the same.

14:49

Things are mind and body work like

14:51

they're Oh, health is on the way.

14:53

I feel better. That's

14:56

all he needed was to know I was gonna

14:58

be taking care of. I was going to get

15:00

help. This. Is

15:02

how it works. So if you

15:05

can grounds herself, com yourself down

15:07

with your breathing, give yourself some

15:09

space, you don't have to jump

15:12

to the immediate and clues and.

15:15

That. Catastrophe is about to

15:17

happen. Number. Six

15:19

is personalization. Meaning.

15:21

It's all about mean everything's about me.

15:24

For an example, Another.

15:27

Work example: there's a project

15:29

at work and sales he

15:31

just didn't work out and

15:33

you're automatically assume it's your

15:35

fault entirely. Ease and

15:38

is external factors played a

15:40

significant. Role. Now this

15:42

can happen to any of us

15:44

with all kinds of things. not

15:47

just us work examples, but at

15:49

home with parents, parenting with our

15:51

friendships, with our relationships, So

15:53

what is the solution here? We.

15:55

could consider other factors

15:58

that contributed to outcome.

16:01

We could challenge the belief that everything

16:03

revolves around us and allow

16:07

others to share in the

16:09

responsibility. Now

16:11

that takes some effort

16:13

and that takes some

16:15

learning, that takes some boundaries,

16:17

but this can all happen.

16:21

The amount of relief you will get from being

16:23

anxious ends incredible. So you really

16:25

want to work on if you find one or

16:28

two of these that really pop out to you.

16:30

I work on it. Get

16:32

some help with it. Get a coach or

16:34

a therapist. Talk to your clergy. Whoever you

16:37

go to. Family member, great

16:39

friends that can help you work on these.

16:42

Number seven, control

16:44

fallacies. So either

16:47

you have no control or you

16:49

control everything. So it can

16:52

go either end of the spectrum here just like

16:55

black and white thinking it can go either way.

16:58

So an example of this would be believing

17:00

that if you can't control

17:03

every single aspect of a

17:05

situation, you have no influence

17:08

whatsoever. So you see again

17:10

that's that black and white, but

17:13

you either have no control or

17:15

you control everything. I had

17:17

this, definitely had this. Way worse than

17:19

I have it now, but I

17:22

really thought either I thought I controlled

17:24

the price of tea in China. Let's just say

17:26

that I felt like the world was on my

17:28

shoulder. So what is the

17:31

solution here? Recognize that

17:33

there's a middle ground. Again that

17:35

spectrum. We are

17:38

on a continuum. Life is all

17:40

happening not at the end, but

17:42

all in the middle there and

17:44

identify what aspects you

17:47

can realistically control. And

17:50

here's the kicker, let go

17:52

of the rest. And

17:54

remember that not everything is within your

17:57

power. Next up

17:59

is the fallacy. of fairness, you

18:01

think that everything in life should be fair. And

18:05

that's a tough one because life is not fair.

18:08

As an example, you feel resentment

18:10

because a colleague received praise for

18:12

something that you believe you did

18:14

better, expecting equal

18:17

recognition. Yes,

18:20

it doesn't happen that way. And

18:23

it's okay to let go of that. It

18:25

really, really is. It will make your life

18:27

so much more enjoyable. And

18:29

so what's the solution? Accept

18:32

that life is inherently unfair.

18:36

Focus on your efforts and your

18:38

personal growth rather than comparing

18:40

yourself to others. Like

18:42

I said, this will lighten your load. Number

18:46

nine, blaming. You

18:48

don't take responsibility for your choices

18:52

and project fault onto

18:54

others. And

18:56

what would be an example of

18:58

that? It would be like blaming

19:01

a colleague for your missed deadline

19:03

instead of acknowledging that you procrastinated.

19:07

And what's the solution? Take

19:09

in responsibility for your actions and

19:11

choices. Recognize that

19:13

others can influence you, but

19:16

ultimately, your responses are

19:18

under your control. And

19:22

number 10, the shoulds. Words

19:26

like should, ought, and

19:28

must foster impossible expectations.

19:31

Again, just like perfection,

19:33

it's not possible. And

19:36

an example would be

19:38

like believing you should always

19:41

be perfect in every aspect of life,

19:44

leading you to constant

19:46

dissatisfaction. And

19:49

the solution would be to

19:51

practice flexibility in expectations, understanding

19:55

that perfection is

19:57

unattainable. Like I said earlier.

20:00

It's not possible. And

20:02

give yourself and others some

20:05

leeway. This is crucial

20:07

for your well-being. And

20:10

number 11, emotional

20:12

reasoning. This

20:14

is like a belief that your

20:17

emotions, how you feel, is always

20:20

based on truth. So

20:23

an example would be feeling that

20:25

because you're anxious about a situation,

20:27

it must be genuinely

20:30

dangerous. Now

20:32

I hope you can see that because this

20:35

is the one that people get stuck in

20:37

quite a bit. And the solution would be

20:39

to challenge your emotions with some logic. Look

20:43

for evidence that supports or

20:45

contradicts your feelings, allowing

20:48

for a more balanced assessment

20:50

of the situation. None

20:53

of these are easy to change. A

20:57

lot of them we do out of habit. We just

20:59

did it. It helped us at

21:01

some point somewhere, got us out of a

21:03

jam or something. We just keep doing it. But

21:07

again, with mindfulness and awareness,

21:09

you can see what you

21:11

are doing and you can

21:13

make changes and make your

21:15

life so much more enjoyable

21:17

and lighten that load that you

21:19

carry. I hope today's show

21:21

was helpful for you and I'll be back before you

21:23

know it. And

21:26

now for today's quote. Life

21:32

is a series of

21:34

natural and spontaneous change.

21:37

Don't resist them. That

21:40

only creates sorrow. Let

21:42

reality be reality. Let

21:45

things flow naturally forward

21:48

in whatever way they like.

21:51

And that's from Lao Tzu. I'll

21:53

be back in a few more days with another

21:55

podcast. Until then, be

21:58

well and aloha. Thanks

22:02

so much for joining us

22:04

for today's episode of the

22:06

Anxiety Coaches Podcast. Find more

22:08

information at theanxietycoachespodcast.com.